The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - Cape Feare - full transcript
After being released from prison on parole, Sideshow Bob plots to murder Bart.
" The Simpsons "
D'oh!
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Up Late With McBain.
I'm your announcer,
Obergruppenfuehrer Wolfcastle.
And here's McBain!
Ja. Thank you. Ja.
That's nice.
Let's say hello to
my music guy, Scoey.
That is some outfit, Scoey.
It makes you look like
a homosexual.
Oh.
Maybe you all are homosexuals too.
This is horrible.
The Fox network
has sunk to a new low.
Lisa, you got a letter.
It's from my pen pal, Anya.
Dear Lisa... As I write this, I am very sad.
Our president
has been overthrown and...
Replaced by the benevolent General Krull.
All hail Krull
and his glorious new regime.!
Sincerely, Little Girl.
- Oh.
- You got a letter too, Bart.
"I'm going to kill you. "
" The Itchy and Scratchy Show "
Huh? Oh!
Oh!
Ah!
Ahh!
Bart, what's wrong with you?
Oh, my God.
Someone's trying to kill me! Eh!
Oh, wait. It's for Bart.
Hmm, this one's done
in different handwriting.
Oh, uh,
I wrote that one...
after Bart somehow put
this tattoo on my butt.
Ha-ha!
But who'd want to hurt me?
I'm this century's Dennis the Menace.
It's probably the person
you least suspect.
That's good, Dad.
I say we call Matlock.
He'll find the culprit.
It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod
or George "Goober" Lindsey.
Grampa, Matlock's not real.
Neither are my teeth,
but I can still eat corn on the cob...
if someone cuts it off
and smushes it into a fine paste.
Now that's good eatin'!
Oh, I checked around.
The girls are calling you "fatty-fat fat fat"...
and Nelson's planning
to pull down your pants.
But nobody's
trying to kill ya.
Oh, that's good.
Fatty-fat fat fat. Fatty-fatty fat fat.
All right.
This is dedicated to Bart Simpson...
with a message:
"I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully. "
Wipeout.
Bart, I'm going to get you...
some ice cream at the store...
since I'm saving
so much money on diet cola.
Say your prayers, Simpson.
- Because the schools
can't force you like they should.
Maude, these new finger razors make hedge
trimming as much fun as sitting through church.
You're going to be
my murder victim, Bart...
in our school production
of Lizzie Borden.
Starring Martin Prince
as Lizzie.
Forty whacks
with a wet noodle, Bart.
I'd like to help you, ma'am, but...
I'm afraid there's no law against
mailing threatening letters.
- I'm pretty sure there is.
- Ha!
The day I take cop lessons
from Ma Kettle...
- Uh, hey, she's right, Chief.
- Well, shut my mouth.
It's also illegal to put squirrels down
your pants for the purposes of gambling.
Boys, knock it off.
Bart, I figured it out.
Who's someone you've been making
irritating phone calls to for years?
- Linda Lavin?
- No, someone who didn't deserve it.
Hello, Moe?
We know you're the one behind this,
so knock it off, or we're going to the cops!
No, no, I'll take care of it.
Okay, it's over.
Get 'em outta here!
Ha! Ha! Hmm! Hmm!
You're out there somewhere.
But where? Where?
Dear Life
in These United States,
A funny thing
happened to me...
Eh, oh!
Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.
Parole granted.
Next up for parole,
Bob Terwilliger,
a. k.a. Sideshow Bob.
Take care, Snake.
May the next time we meet...
- be under more felicitous circumstances.
- Ga?
- Take care.
- Ba.
Sideshow Bob has no decency.
He called me "Chief Piggum. "
Oh, now I get it.
That's good.
Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
How many people in this court
are thinking of killing her right now?
Be honest.
Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Robert, if released...
would you pose any threat
to one Bart Simpson?
Bart Simpson?
The spirited little scamp
who twice foiled my evil schemes...
and sent me to this dank,
urine-soaked hellhole?
Uh, we object to the term
"urine-soaked hellhole"...
when you could have said
"peepee-soaked heckhole. "
- Cheerfully withdrawn.
- What about that tattoo on your chest?
Doesn't it say
"Die, Bart, Die"?
No, that's German for...
"The Bart, The. "
No one who speaks German
can be an evil man.
Parole granted.
Wow.! The "pooblic libary. "
Let's stay here
for a while, Vern.
Oh, that man is so rude.
Yeah.
If you don't mind,
we're trying to watch the mov...
Hey, Vern.
Help me get my head out of this toilet.
Oh, really now,
that's too much.
It's Sideshow Bob!
- You wrote me those letters.
- You awful man!
- Stay away from my son.
- Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right.
Stay away... forever.
- Oh, no!
- Wait a minute. That's no good.
Wait. I've got a good one now.
Marge, say "Stay away from my son" again.
No!
- And turn and flex.
- And shake and bounce and turn.
And flex and shake and bounce.
Now Sideshow Bob can't get in
without me knowing.
And once a man is in your home,
anything you do to him...
- is nice and legal.
- Is that so?
Oh, Flanders,
won't you join me in my kitchen?
- Uh, doesn't work if you invite him.
- Hidilly-hey!
Now don't you fret.
When I'm through...
he won't set foot
in this town again.
I can be very, very persuasive.
- Come on! Leave town!
- No.
- I'll be your friend.
- No.
Oh, you're mean.
The following
neighborhood residents...
will not be killed by me:
Ned Flanders...
- Maude Flanders.
- Oh, isn't that nice?
Homer Simpson,
Marge Simpson...
Lisa Simpson,
that little baby Simpson.
- That is all.
- Whoo-hoo! Did you hear, Bart?
Eh... Oh.
Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson.
We've helped hundreds of people in danger.
We'll give you a new name,
a new job, new identities.
Whoo!
I wanna beJohn Elway.
Elway takes the snap
and runs it in for a touchdown.!
Thanks to Elway's patented
last-second magic...
the fnal score
of Super Bowl XXX...
Denver, 7
San Francisco, 56.
- Whoo-hoo!
- I don't think this is such a good idea.
This isn't just because
of Sideshow Bob.
It's a chance to turn around
all our stinkin' lives.
I'll be Gus,
the loveable chimney sweep.
Clean as a whistle.
Sharp as a thistle.
- Best in all Westminster. Yeah!
- Shut up, boy.
We have places your family can hide
in peace and security.
Cape Fear, Terror Lake,
New Horrorfield, Screamville.
- Ooh, Ice Creamville.
- No, Screamville.
Tell you what, sir.
From now on, you'll be, uh,
Homer Thompson at Terror Lake.
Let's just practice
a bit, hmm?
When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson,"
you'll say, "Hi. "
- Check.
- Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Remember now...
your name is Homer Thompson.
- I gotcha.
- Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Now, when I say,
"Hello, Mr. Thompson"...
and press down on your foot,
you smile and nod.
- No problem.
- Hello, Mr. Thompson.
I think he's talking to you.
- Here you go.
- Oh, what a cute convertible.
You guys at the bureau
thought of everything.
Hey, look! The F.B.I. Light Opera Society
Sings the Complete Gilbert and Sullivan.
"Three little maids
from school are we "
" Pert as a schoolgirl
well can be "
" Filled to the brim with girlish glee
three little girls from school "
" Everything is a source of fun "
Eh, lousy speed bumps.
Ooh! Whoa! Hey!
Oh, this coffee's too hot!
Hey, kids, wanna drive
through that cactus patch?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- No.!
- Whoop, two against one.
" The Thompsons "
Wow, a houseboat.
You know, the great thing is,
if you don't like your neighbors...
you can just pull up the anchor
and sail someplace else.
- Homer, where's the dog?
- I tied him up out back.
We've left it all behind.
How can you make a clean break
with your life?
Relax, Marge. I tied up
all the loose ends before we left.
Hello! Hello!
You have my pills!
Hello? I'm cold,
and there are wolves after me.
Hello, Bart.
Down here, Bart.
Ow!
- What do you want?
- Surely there's no harm...
in laying in the middle
of a public street.
Not the elephants!
Ahh!
Mom, Dad! I saw Sideshow Bob,
and he threatened to kill me!
- Bart, don't interrupt!
- Homer, this is serious.
Oh, it is not.
Roman numeral three:
Surprise boy in bed...
and, uh, disembowel him.
No, I don't like that "bowel" in there.
Gut him.
Ah, le motjuste.
- Bart, you want some brownie
before you go to bed?
Come on. Let me cut you a brownie
while they're still hot.
Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now.
I'd appreciate you not coming in my room
screaming and brandishing a butcher knife.
Why? Oh, right.
The Sideshow Bob thing.
Oh, I'm sorry, boy.
Bart, do you want to see
my new chainsaw and hockey mask?
Oh, sorry.
What am I thinking?
Hello, Bart.
- Mom! Dad!
- Your family can't help you now.
- Oh, no, Dad's been drugged.
- No, he hasn't.
Uh-oh.
Oh!
Oh, yeah.
Well, Bart, any last requests?
Well, there is one, but...
- Nah.
- No, go on.
Well, you have
such a beautiful voice.
- Guilty as charged.
- Uh-huh.
Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing
the entire score of the H.M.S. Pinafore.
Very well, Bart.
I shall send you to heaven
before I send you to hell.
And a-two, and a-three, and...
"We sail the ocean blue "
"And our saucy ship's
a beauty "
"We are sober men and true
and attentive to our duty "
" I'm called Little Buttercup "
" Poor Little Buttercup "
"Though I could never tell why "
"What, never? No, never "
"What, never "
" Hardly ever
He's hardly ever sick at sea "
"For he himselfhas said it "
"And it's clearly to his credit "
"That he is an Englishman "
" He remains an E-E-E-En "
" Glish "
" Man "
And now... the final curtain.
Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob.
You're under arrest.
By Lucifer's beard!
Ah, yeah. It's a good thing
you drifted by this brothel.
I knew I had to
buy some time...
so I asked him to sing the score
from the H.M.S. Pinafore.
Ooh, a plan fiendishly
clever in its intricacies.
Take him away, boys.
Hey, I'm the chief here.
Bake him away, toys.
- What'd you say, Chief?
- Do what the kid says.
Mm, it's so good to be home again.
Look what happened without my pills!
Bart, run upstairs!
Get Grampa's medicine.
Not so fast.
I wanna court this fair, young maiden.
There's somethin'you should know about me.
I've got Steve and Eydie tickets.
I'm all yours.!
D'oh!
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Up Late With McBain.
I'm your announcer,
Obergruppenfuehrer Wolfcastle.
And here's McBain!
Ja. Thank you. Ja.
That's nice.
Let's say hello to
my music guy, Scoey.
That is some outfit, Scoey.
It makes you look like
a homosexual.
Oh.
Maybe you all are homosexuals too.
This is horrible.
The Fox network
has sunk to a new low.
Lisa, you got a letter.
It's from my pen pal, Anya.
Dear Lisa... As I write this, I am very sad.
Our president
has been overthrown and...
Replaced by the benevolent General Krull.
All hail Krull
and his glorious new regime.!
Sincerely, Little Girl.
- Oh.
- You got a letter too, Bart.
"I'm going to kill you. "
" The Itchy and Scratchy Show "
Huh? Oh!
Oh!
Ah!
Ahh!
Bart, what's wrong with you?
Oh, my God.
Someone's trying to kill me! Eh!
Oh, wait. It's for Bart.
Hmm, this one's done
in different handwriting.
Oh, uh,
I wrote that one...
after Bart somehow put
this tattoo on my butt.
Ha-ha!
But who'd want to hurt me?
I'm this century's Dennis the Menace.
It's probably the person
you least suspect.
That's good, Dad.
I say we call Matlock.
He'll find the culprit.
It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod
or George "Goober" Lindsey.
Grampa, Matlock's not real.
Neither are my teeth,
but I can still eat corn on the cob...
if someone cuts it off
and smushes it into a fine paste.
Now that's good eatin'!
Oh, I checked around.
The girls are calling you "fatty-fat fat fat"...
and Nelson's planning
to pull down your pants.
But nobody's
trying to kill ya.
Oh, that's good.
Fatty-fat fat fat. Fatty-fatty fat fat.
All right.
This is dedicated to Bart Simpson...
with a message:
"I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully. "
Wipeout.
Bart, I'm going to get you...
some ice cream at the store...
since I'm saving
so much money on diet cola.
Say your prayers, Simpson.
- Because the schools
can't force you like they should.
Maude, these new finger razors make hedge
trimming as much fun as sitting through church.
You're going to be
my murder victim, Bart...
in our school production
of Lizzie Borden.
Starring Martin Prince
as Lizzie.
Forty whacks
with a wet noodle, Bart.
I'd like to help you, ma'am, but...
I'm afraid there's no law against
mailing threatening letters.
- I'm pretty sure there is.
- Ha!
The day I take cop lessons
from Ma Kettle...
- Uh, hey, she's right, Chief.
- Well, shut my mouth.
It's also illegal to put squirrels down
your pants for the purposes of gambling.
Boys, knock it off.
Bart, I figured it out.
Who's someone you've been making
irritating phone calls to for years?
- Linda Lavin?
- No, someone who didn't deserve it.
Hello, Moe?
We know you're the one behind this,
so knock it off, or we're going to the cops!
No, no, I'll take care of it.
Okay, it's over.
Get 'em outta here!
Ha! Ha! Hmm! Hmm!
You're out there somewhere.
But where? Where?
Dear Life
in These United States,
A funny thing
happened to me...
Eh, oh!
Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.
Parole granted.
Next up for parole,
Bob Terwilliger,
a. k.a. Sideshow Bob.
Take care, Snake.
May the next time we meet...
- be under more felicitous circumstances.
- Ga?
- Take care.
- Ba.
Sideshow Bob has no decency.
He called me "Chief Piggum. "
Oh, now I get it.
That's good.
Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
How many people in this court
are thinking of killing her right now?
Be honest.
Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Robert, if released...
would you pose any threat
to one Bart Simpson?
Bart Simpson?
The spirited little scamp
who twice foiled my evil schemes...
and sent me to this dank,
urine-soaked hellhole?
Uh, we object to the term
"urine-soaked hellhole"...
when you could have said
"peepee-soaked heckhole. "
- Cheerfully withdrawn.
- What about that tattoo on your chest?
Doesn't it say
"Die, Bart, Die"?
No, that's German for...
"The Bart, The. "
No one who speaks German
can be an evil man.
Parole granted.
Wow.! The "pooblic libary. "
Let's stay here
for a while, Vern.
Oh, that man is so rude.
Yeah.
If you don't mind,
we're trying to watch the mov...
Hey, Vern.
Help me get my head out of this toilet.
Oh, really now,
that's too much.
It's Sideshow Bob!
- You wrote me those letters.
- You awful man!
- Stay away from my son.
- Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right.
Stay away... forever.
- Oh, no!
- Wait a minute. That's no good.
Wait. I've got a good one now.
Marge, say "Stay away from my son" again.
No!
- And turn and flex.
- And shake and bounce and turn.
And flex and shake and bounce.
Now Sideshow Bob can't get in
without me knowing.
And once a man is in your home,
anything you do to him...
- is nice and legal.
- Is that so?
Oh, Flanders,
won't you join me in my kitchen?
- Uh, doesn't work if you invite him.
- Hidilly-hey!
Now don't you fret.
When I'm through...
he won't set foot
in this town again.
I can be very, very persuasive.
- Come on! Leave town!
- No.
- I'll be your friend.
- No.
Oh, you're mean.
The following
neighborhood residents...
will not be killed by me:
Ned Flanders...
- Maude Flanders.
- Oh, isn't that nice?
Homer Simpson,
Marge Simpson...
Lisa Simpson,
that little baby Simpson.
- That is all.
- Whoo-hoo! Did you hear, Bart?
Eh... Oh.
Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson.
We've helped hundreds of people in danger.
We'll give you a new name,
a new job, new identities.
Whoo!
I wanna beJohn Elway.
Elway takes the snap
and runs it in for a touchdown.!
Thanks to Elway's patented
last-second magic...
the fnal score
of Super Bowl XXX...
Denver, 7
San Francisco, 56.
- Whoo-hoo!
- I don't think this is such a good idea.
This isn't just because
of Sideshow Bob.
It's a chance to turn around
all our stinkin' lives.
I'll be Gus,
the loveable chimney sweep.
Clean as a whistle.
Sharp as a thistle.
- Best in all Westminster. Yeah!
- Shut up, boy.
We have places your family can hide
in peace and security.
Cape Fear, Terror Lake,
New Horrorfield, Screamville.
- Ooh, Ice Creamville.
- No, Screamville.
Tell you what, sir.
From now on, you'll be, uh,
Homer Thompson at Terror Lake.
Let's just practice
a bit, hmm?
When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson,"
you'll say, "Hi. "
- Check.
- Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Remember now...
your name is Homer Thompson.
- I gotcha.
- Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Now, when I say,
"Hello, Mr. Thompson"...
and press down on your foot,
you smile and nod.
- No problem.
- Hello, Mr. Thompson.
I think he's talking to you.
- Here you go.
- Oh, what a cute convertible.
You guys at the bureau
thought of everything.
Hey, look! The F.B.I. Light Opera Society
Sings the Complete Gilbert and Sullivan.
"Three little maids
from school are we "
" Pert as a schoolgirl
well can be "
" Filled to the brim with girlish glee
three little girls from school "
" Everything is a source of fun "
Eh, lousy speed bumps.
Ooh! Whoa! Hey!
Oh, this coffee's too hot!
Hey, kids, wanna drive
through that cactus patch?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- No.!
- Whoop, two against one.
" The Thompsons "
Wow, a houseboat.
You know, the great thing is,
if you don't like your neighbors...
you can just pull up the anchor
and sail someplace else.
- Homer, where's the dog?
- I tied him up out back.
We've left it all behind.
How can you make a clean break
with your life?
Relax, Marge. I tied up
all the loose ends before we left.
Hello! Hello!
You have my pills!
Hello? I'm cold,
and there are wolves after me.
Hello, Bart.
Down here, Bart.
Ow!
- What do you want?
- Surely there's no harm...
in laying in the middle
of a public street.
Not the elephants!
Ahh!
Mom, Dad! I saw Sideshow Bob,
and he threatened to kill me!
- Bart, don't interrupt!
- Homer, this is serious.
Oh, it is not.
Roman numeral three:
Surprise boy in bed...
and, uh, disembowel him.
No, I don't like that "bowel" in there.
Gut him.
Ah, le motjuste.
- Bart, you want some brownie
before you go to bed?
Come on. Let me cut you a brownie
while they're still hot.
Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now.
I'd appreciate you not coming in my room
screaming and brandishing a butcher knife.
Why? Oh, right.
The Sideshow Bob thing.
Oh, I'm sorry, boy.
Bart, do you want to see
my new chainsaw and hockey mask?
Oh, sorry.
What am I thinking?
Hello, Bart.
- Mom! Dad!
- Your family can't help you now.
- Oh, no, Dad's been drugged.
- No, he hasn't.
Uh-oh.
Oh!
Oh, yeah.
Well, Bart, any last requests?
Well, there is one, but...
- Nah.
- No, go on.
Well, you have
such a beautiful voice.
- Guilty as charged.
- Uh-huh.
Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing
the entire score of the H.M.S. Pinafore.
Very well, Bart.
I shall send you to heaven
before I send you to hell.
And a-two, and a-three, and...
"We sail the ocean blue "
"And our saucy ship's
a beauty "
"We are sober men and true
and attentive to our duty "
" I'm called Little Buttercup "
" Poor Little Buttercup "
"Though I could never tell why "
"What, never? No, never "
"What, never "
" Hardly ever
He's hardly ever sick at sea "
"For he himselfhas said it "
"And it's clearly to his credit "
"That he is an Englishman "
" He remains an E-E-E-En "
" Glish "
" Man "
And now... the final curtain.
Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob.
You're under arrest.
By Lucifer's beard!
Ah, yeah. It's a good thing
you drifted by this brothel.
I knew I had to
buy some time...
so I asked him to sing the score
from the H.M.S. Pinafore.
Ooh, a plan fiendishly
clever in its intricacies.
Take him away, boys.
Hey, I'm the chief here.
Bake him away, toys.
- What'd you say, Chief?
- Do what the kid says.
Mm, it's so good to be home again.
Look what happened without my pills!
Bart, run upstairs!
Get Grampa's medicine.
Not so fast.
I wanna court this fair, young maiden.
There's somethin'you should know about me.
I've got Steve and Eydie tickets.
I'm all yours.!