The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 33, Episode 11 - The Longest Marge - full transcript
♪ ♪
Shut up!
It's starting!
The Springfield Atoms
have earned
the number-one pick
in this year's draft,
after intentionally losing
every game last season.
Nobody tanks like Springfield--
City of Intentional Losers.
Tank! Tank! Tank!
- And with the first pick
of the draft,
the Springfield Atoms select...
Grayson Mathers.
All right!
Yeah! All right!
We have witnessed the most
beautiful birth in the world--
that of a football dynasty.
Let's show Philadelphia what
a real victory riot looks like!
What a needless tragedy.
You say our corporate revenue
is down?
Well, the losses are
all coming from one division--
your liquor company.
Sales of Mr. Gentleman Brandy
have reached zero and
are only projected to go down.
Impossible.
Mr. Gentleman is sipped
by every trustee
of the Narragansett
Whale Oil Concern.
Well, maybe the problem
is the ad campaign.
It's encouraging consuming
as little of the liquor
as possible.
Ah. That'll hold me
for quite a while.
So, I brought
in a branding expert
to reimagine Mr. Gentleman.
These days,
which in the branding business
is called "the present,"
the only liquor brands
people care about
are endorsed by big celebrities.
People think,
"If I buy this tequila,
then I'm as fun
as George Clooney."
Or, "I need to be more smug
and unbearable.
Hey,
Ryan Reynolds has a gin."
So we find the perfect celebrity
to represent my brandy.
But who?
What about Harrison Ford?
- Too Hollywood.
- Dolly Parton?
Too Dollywood.
With that, we end the list
of every celebrity
who does not already have
an existing liquor company.
So what we need
is a brand-new celebrity,
one adored by the common man.
Grayson Mathers!
Grayson Mathers!
Grayson Mathers!
Grayson!
Grayson, some have dubbed you
"The Savior of Springfield
Football".
Isn't that a lot of pressure
for a rookie?
I do me.
If you don't like it,
that's on you.
Mm-hmm.
Grayson, some people are put off
by your tell-it-like-it-is
attitude.
What do you say to them?
I'm an open book,
but the media and haters
and people who have
never played the game,
I carry myself
with a certain confidence,
and I don't apologize
for your perception
of statements I did not make,
but stand by.
Truth bomb.
I sleep at night.
What did you just say?
I do me.
Man, that dude
keeps it so real.
He's all, "This is me.
I don't apologize.
What up, haters?"
He does him.
I wish I was
half as myself as he is.
They adore this pigskin-tossing
football thrower.
He's brash, outspoken,
willfully uninformed.
He has no filter.
In our sanitized,
clickbait-ready,
media-driven world,
what people crave
is authenticity.
If you don't believe me,
look at the metrics.
Now you believe me.
Why didn't you mention
any of this before?
I don't know.
This bad boy must be the new
face of my brandy company.
Smithers, hire him at once.
And get rid of this.
But my metrics!
I got no problem being me.
Opinions exist.
Think about it.
Do you seriously doubt
I know what I'm like?
And when it comes to brandy,
go ahead and sip.
Me?
I'll chug.
I do me.
You do you...
my way.
Congratulations, my boy.
You are the face of America's
most marked-up trash liquor.
There's one thing
that's unique about me--
I've always admired rich people.
And now I'm getting paid by one.
That's on you.
Aw, come on, Burnsy.
Bring it in.
Yeah. I got you, bro.
♪ ♪
So this is what it feels like
to be brought in.
Cheers!
To the money
that comes from business.
To friendship hugs.
Well,
first game
of the season tomorrow,
so I'd better hit the Hay.
That's the name of the club
I'm going to.
Then I'm gonna hit the Sack.
That's where the after-party is.
There he is, kids.
The QB who will one day
take us to the Super Bowl,
own several
local car dealerships
and host a middling
Saturday Night Live.
Oh, look at that baby face.
I hope
there's no tackling today.
Babyface looks
a little hungover, Mom.
Geez. He's kind of got
that "Dad asleep in his car
outside Moe's" look going.
The icy stare of a born winner?
Yes. That one.
And so begins a new era
in Atoms football.
The golden child's mighty arm
shall spiral a grim warning
to all who would oppose him.
Hut, hut! Hike!
Oh, God.
- Get off the field!
- Boo!
- You suck!
Oh, my God.
The 22-year-old
I bet all my happiness on
is nothing but a bust!
Bust! Bust! Bust! Bust!
But you were just
cheering for him.
You've been talking
about how great he is
every day for months.
But he's sucking.
It's the second-best thing
he could do
next to playing great.
How dare they jeer that boy?
He's like the arrogant,
out-of-control son
I never sent to boarding school
and forgot about.
And Grayson Mathers
has just been benched.
And here comes the Haterade.
Aah!
Boo an angel, why don't you?
Thunder-stick him!
There are far worse things
to be buried under.
Launch the souvenir
loaded nachos!
Ah. Nothing like
a nice body-temperature bath.
I've never been booed before.
Not even when I trolled
the Florida State fans
by dancing on their coach.
Am I, like, a loser now?
If I am a loser,
then maybe I shouldn't be...
doing me.
Pish posh.
Doing you is what you do best.
And I'll prove it,
by putting you
in front of an adoring crowd.
Captain Underpants here!
Wimpy Kid!
I got Narnia!
Goosebumps here!
Our guest has achieved great
things in life by hard work
and being six-foot-four.
Please welcome Grayson Mathers.
Your principal
brought me here to tell you
that school is important.
But I got to keep it real.
This is the first time
I've ever been in a school,
and I own
three identical Ferraris!
That's wassup!
I have a question.
You suck!
You're garbage
outside the pocket!
Your average depth of target
is a joke.
Bust! Bust! Bust!
The children are destroying him
with their hot takes!
Bust! Bust! Bust!
Shut up, you stupid kids!
I'm a man! A football man!
All I throw is dimes!
Here's a dime for you!
- A dime for you!
Nothin' but dimes!
Boom! Dime!
Boom! Dime!
- Oh!
The Madagascar
hissing cockroaches are loose!
♪ ♪
All I drink is brandy!
My urethra is on fire!
I heard what you said
about your urethra.
Are you feeling okay?
I'm fine. Beat it, media.
You listen here, young man.
Just because you're embarrassed
by your own behavior
is no reason to lash out at me.
I'm the one person in town
who feels sorry for you,
and even I've about had it.
Now apologize.
I'm sorry.
Um... ma'am.
Good. Now, tell me what's wrong.
I mean, it doesn't make sense.
I can't stop partying.
I barely sleep.
I called Peyton Manning
a chicken-fried Frankenstein
on Twitter.
I-I'm doing me more than ever.
So why don't I play good?
Oh, sweetie.
It sounds like you just need
to slow down.
I actually have
six identical Ferraris.
I want to own
all the blue ones.
I know what's wrong with you.
Not enough Ferraris.
What this boy needs
is a home-cooked meal
and a good night's sleep.
At my house.
A partnership
betwixt a man and a woman
to provide for the care
of a young person.
You supply
the nurturing home life,
and I'll be
the emotionally-withholding
yet somehow worshipped
father figure.
It's a deal.
You're coming home with me.
I really want to,
but I'm kind of supposed
to get into it
with some hockey players
outside a strip club later.
I'll call them
and tell them you're sick.
Yo. Two parents and some kids?
This is a straight-up family.
For real.
I guess we are.
So, Grayson, you just graduated
from college, right?
What did you major in?
Oh, they never told me.
That means communications.
You see, I grew up
on the Florida-Texas border,
where football is king.
One day, I saw this other baby
crawling a post pattern,
and I hit him with my pacifier.
Perfect spiral. 20 yards.
My folks did what
any loving parents would do--
they packed me off
to football academy.
I'm real grateful.
If you keep a kid at home
till he's two,
it can screw up his development.
Growing up in an
all-football environment
helped me avoid the distractions
that come with being a kid--
friends, laughing, that junk.
For college, Alabama Tech
was an easy choice.
Coach is an amazing recruiter.
You really feel his passion.
Wait, so you never
see your parents?
Oh, I see them all the time!
I see them at games,
in documentaries about me,
in the Campbell's Soup
commercial
my mom did without my knowledge.
Oh, Grayson,
growing up with nothing
but football
can't have been healthy.
No, no, I'm good.
Gimme that back!
Starters eat before scrubs!
Everybody knows that!
You know, I'm beginning to see
the appeal of football.
Hit him again!
Kids, behave!
In a family,
we do not steal food.
- But...
- No buts.
Just because there aren't
coaches and minders
watching your every move doesn't
mean you can act selfishly.
In a family, you don't do you.
You do...
others?
And don't you forget it.
Now, boys, clear the table.
Bust. Bust. Bust.
You sure the rookie
doesn't mind sharing?
Maggie loves company.
Um, Mrs. Marge,
do-do you think
it'd be all right
if I stayed here for a while?
I've never been around
a real family before.
Of course you can.
You sure? I'm a lot of work.
I need 9,000 calories a day
or I'll die.
So does my husband, silly.
♪ ♪
Wow!
I've never seen such
a tiny megachurch.
It's a normal-sized
regular church, Grayson.
Hey, here's a little fuel
for your private jet, Reverend.
When did the faces
on the paper money get so big?
♪Happy birthday to you! ♪
Wow.
My first birthday party.
I made you a card.
We're all playing catch.
You've all given me so much.
I have a family now.
A family that's shown me
I don't have to be selfish
to be a success.
Huddle up, team.
Feelings on three!
One, two, three!
Feelings!
Who wants presents?
- I do! I do!
Ooh, ooh, I do!
- I do! I do!
- Merch!
Try this on, big fella.
Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns!
I'm so glad you came!
Now it's a party, huh, guys?
Oh, I would never miss
the birthday
of football's brashest bad boy.
Now let's head out.
You and I are having
a night on the town.
It's time to party
with Brandyman!
Or Do-You-Man? I'm...
Can we decide on a catchphrase?
Catchphrase TBD!
Are you nuts?
You do realize that Grayson has
a career-defining
football game tomorrow.
He's gonna go to bed early
after a nice hot bath.
You can try out
the Silly Soap I bought. Huh?
All right!
This man plays a game
for a living
and you infantilize him?
Fine, but your mollycoddling
will have dire consequences.
Mark my words.
Mathers with
his fourth touchdown of the day!
And in a never-before-seen move,
the opposing defense
is resigning en masse
to try their luck
in the Canadian Football League.
Good luck, fellas.
There he is! The man I never
thought was a bust for a second!
A 53-point win.
Bet you can't wait to say
something really arrogant.
Just lucky
to have great teammates,
what a game plan,
keep my head down and work.
But also the greats who paved
the way in this league.
Where's my bad boy?
Come on, son. Be a sore winner.
Make Daddy proud.
Maybe you could call
the other team soft?
I mean, it's just us reporters
here. No one will know.
No, sir. I'm just trying
to be the kind of guy
who makes a mother proud.
Are you saying...
you're a mama's boy?
I'm the biggest mama's boy
on the planet!
Mmm. Tastes good.
Marge Simpson,
what have you done?
You've ruined
our beautiful, arrogant boy!
Ruined? He's happy now.
What's wrong, guys?
Why are you fighting?
Oh, this woman's got you as
twisted as a Cossack's mustache.
What happened to the bad boy I
raised up from recent adulthood?
Don't listen to him, Grayson.
I'm so sorry
I ruined your spokesperson.
He's not just my spokesperson.
He's my spokes-son.
And you stole him from me.
You're so merged
with your own selfishness,
you don't even identify it
as selfishness anymore.
You're a monster!
And you're winning!
You've got to choose, my boy.
Me or her.
Can't you see
you're tearing me apart?!
I need to grind tape
of blitz protections
against an eight-man box!
I haven't heard
from Grayson in days.
Neither has the NFL Network,
ESPN or Adam Schefter.
The football world
hangs in the balance,
waiting for
this rookie phenom quarterback
to choose
between his surrogate parents.
My sources tell me that Mathers
hasn't gone back to Mr. Burns
and that Marge has just
this second finished folding
the sheets Grayson
may never sleep on again.
What sources?
What if I never see my special
big football boy again?
Mom, a fancy invitation
came for you.
Grayson sent me a ticket
for the Sports Channel's
annual awards show.
You're going
to the Sportswardsies?
That's the one night
when pro athletes
finally get to thank
their agents.
And Grayson picked me
as his plus-one,
not Mr. Burns.
You won!
Motherhood won!
Yippee!
All good, all good.
♪ ♪
- You!
- You!
Wait, I'm supposed
to be sitting next to Grayson.
So am I.
I know what's happening here.
Obviously, our boy
sat us together thinking
we would reach
some sort of rapprochement.
He Parent Trapped us!
Too bad for him--
we're never gonna
see eye to eye.
Amen, sister.
A toast
to never-ending animosity.
I'll drink to that.
Enemies forever.
Mm. Ah.
The Sportswardsies are starting.
Kids, have you filled out
your betting sheets?
Look at these categories.
Worst Contract?
Best World Series?
The Donald Sterling
Appalling Owner
Lifetime Achievement Award?
James Dolan,
James Dolan, James Dolan.
For me, it's all about
Best Stretcher Ride Thumbs-Up.
Most of all,
I'd like to thank Gordo,
who I pay six figures
to carry my trophies.
Gordo, this is for you, buddy.
When we come back,
the Sportswardsy
for Most Inspiring Athlete.
Oh, he's looking
at the wrong camera.
He's such a cutie.
How could two people like us,
with all our flaws,
make this perfect creature?
I'm a terrible father.
I should have raised him
to be a man, not a brand.
Ah. Let's promise
we'll do better, Monty.
Together.
The winner
for Most Inspiring Athlete is...
Grayson Mathers.
-♪ ♪
You all know I've had
some personal struggles lately.
I was losing
the football game of emotions.
But there's one person
who got me through it.
He's talking about you.
You're the nurturer.
But you're his inspiration.
It's got to be you.
And that person is...
- my fiancée Kaitlyn!
The three days I've known her
have seemed like a lifetime.
An Instagram model,
a YouTube reactor
and the creator of Yoga Yogurt,
the faith-based yogurt
you eat while yoga-ing.
Kaitlyn is so much more
than a business manager to me.
Though she's that, too!
As of this morning!
Hope you can handle
total financial control, baby!
Good news, babe!
You're fighting Floyd Mayweather
on a Valentine's Day
pay-per-view!
She's getting me out
of the brandy business,
into something
more wholesome, y'all:
our new line
of all-ages hard seltzers.
@Katilicious_97,
I can't wait to marry you.
Tell me there's a prenup.
No prenup!
That's how I roll!
Who wants some seltzers?
Dime for you!
And just like that,
we've been replaced.
One day, they're these sweet,
innocent creatures
who are totally reliant on you.
Then, suddenly,
it's two weeks later
and they're gone.
When we return, find out
who takes home the Sportswardsy
for Best
Press Conference Meltdown
and Most Valuable MVP.
Plus, Cirque du Soleil
will reimagine
this year's Most Flagrant Fouls.
Later, it's
Least Racist Team Name
and Coldest Bud Light,
brought to you by Bud Light.
And don't miss Kenny Chesney
and his musical tribute
to the 100 all-time
worst-run vanity charities.
Then, find out which
baseball player will take home
Highest Batting Average.
And five living legends
battle it out
for the Most Tone-Deaf
Hall of Fame Speech.
And lots more.
All that when
the Sportswardsies continue.
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
Shh!
Shut up!
It's starting!
The Springfield Atoms
have earned
the number-one pick
in this year's draft,
after intentionally losing
every game last season.
Nobody tanks like Springfield--
City of Intentional Losers.
Tank! Tank! Tank!
- And with the first pick
of the draft,
the Springfield Atoms select...
Grayson Mathers.
All right!
Yeah! All right!
We have witnessed the most
beautiful birth in the world--
that of a football dynasty.
Let's show Philadelphia what
a real victory riot looks like!
What a needless tragedy.
You say our corporate revenue
is down?
Well, the losses are
all coming from one division--
your liquor company.
Sales of Mr. Gentleman Brandy
have reached zero and
are only projected to go down.
Impossible.
Mr. Gentleman is sipped
by every trustee
of the Narragansett
Whale Oil Concern.
Well, maybe the problem
is the ad campaign.
It's encouraging consuming
as little of the liquor
as possible.
Ah. That'll hold me
for quite a while.
So, I brought
in a branding expert
to reimagine Mr. Gentleman.
These days,
which in the branding business
is called "the present,"
the only liquor brands
people care about
are endorsed by big celebrities.
People think,
"If I buy this tequila,
then I'm as fun
as George Clooney."
Or, "I need to be more smug
and unbearable.
Hey,
Ryan Reynolds has a gin."
So we find the perfect celebrity
to represent my brandy.
But who?
What about Harrison Ford?
- Too Hollywood.
- Dolly Parton?
Too Dollywood.
With that, we end the list
of every celebrity
who does not already have
an existing liquor company.
So what we need
is a brand-new celebrity,
one adored by the common man.
Grayson Mathers!
Grayson Mathers!
Grayson Mathers!
Grayson!
Grayson, some have dubbed you
"The Savior of Springfield
Football".
Isn't that a lot of pressure
for a rookie?
I do me.
If you don't like it,
that's on you.
Mm-hmm.
Grayson, some people are put off
by your tell-it-like-it-is
attitude.
What do you say to them?
I'm an open book,
but the media and haters
and people who have
never played the game,
I carry myself
with a certain confidence,
and I don't apologize
for your perception
of statements I did not make,
but stand by.
Truth bomb.
I sleep at night.
What did you just say?
I do me.
Man, that dude
keeps it so real.
He's all, "This is me.
I don't apologize.
What up, haters?"
He does him.
I wish I was
half as myself as he is.
They adore this pigskin-tossing
football thrower.
He's brash, outspoken,
willfully uninformed.
He has no filter.
In our sanitized,
clickbait-ready,
media-driven world,
what people crave
is authenticity.
If you don't believe me,
look at the metrics.
Now you believe me.
Why didn't you mention
any of this before?
I don't know.
This bad boy must be the new
face of my brandy company.
Smithers, hire him at once.
And get rid of this.
But my metrics!
I got no problem being me.
Opinions exist.
Think about it.
Do you seriously doubt
I know what I'm like?
And when it comes to brandy,
go ahead and sip.
Me?
I'll chug.
I do me.
You do you...
my way.
Congratulations, my boy.
You are the face of America's
most marked-up trash liquor.
There's one thing
that's unique about me--
I've always admired rich people.
And now I'm getting paid by one.
That's on you.
Aw, come on, Burnsy.
Bring it in.
Yeah. I got you, bro.
♪ ♪
So this is what it feels like
to be brought in.
Cheers!
To the money
that comes from business.
To friendship hugs.
Well,
first game
of the season tomorrow,
so I'd better hit the Hay.
That's the name of the club
I'm going to.
Then I'm gonna hit the Sack.
That's where the after-party is.
There he is, kids.
The QB who will one day
take us to the Super Bowl,
own several
local car dealerships
and host a middling
Saturday Night Live.
Oh, look at that baby face.
I hope
there's no tackling today.
Babyface looks
a little hungover, Mom.
Geez. He's kind of got
that "Dad asleep in his car
outside Moe's" look going.
The icy stare of a born winner?
Yes. That one.
And so begins a new era
in Atoms football.
The golden child's mighty arm
shall spiral a grim warning
to all who would oppose him.
Hut, hut! Hike!
Oh, God.
- Get off the field!
- Boo!
- You suck!
Oh, my God.
The 22-year-old
I bet all my happiness on
is nothing but a bust!
Bust! Bust! Bust! Bust!
But you were just
cheering for him.
You've been talking
about how great he is
every day for months.
But he's sucking.
It's the second-best thing
he could do
next to playing great.
How dare they jeer that boy?
He's like the arrogant,
out-of-control son
I never sent to boarding school
and forgot about.
And Grayson Mathers
has just been benched.
And here comes the Haterade.
Aah!
Boo an angel, why don't you?
Thunder-stick him!
There are far worse things
to be buried under.
Launch the souvenir
loaded nachos!
Ah. Nothing like
a nice body-temperature bath.
I've never been booed before.
Not even when I trolled
the Florida State fans
by dancing on their coach.
Am I, like, a loser now?
If I am a loser,
then maybe I shouldn't be...
doing me.
Pish posh.
Doing you is what you do best.
And I'll prove it,
by putting you
in front of an adoring crowd.
Captain Underpants here!
Wimpy Kid!
I got Narnia!
Goosebumps here!
Our guest has achieved great
things in life by hard work
and being six-foot-four.
Please welcome Grayson Mathers.
Your principal
brought me here to tell you
that school is important.
But I got to keep it real.
This is the first time
I've ever been in a school,
and I own
three identical Ferraris!
That's wassup!
I have a question.
You suck!
You're garbage
outside the pocket!
Your average depth of target
is a joke.
Bust! Bust! Bust!
The children are destroying him
with their hot takes!
Bust! Bust! Bust!
Shut up, you stupid kids!
I'm a man! A football man!
All I throw is dimes!
Here's a dime for you!
- A dime for you!
Nothin' but dimes!
Boom! Dime!
Boom! Dime!
- Oh!
The Madagascar
hissing cockroaches are loose!
♪ ♪
All I drink is brandy!
My urethra is on fire!
I heard what you said
about your urethra.
Are you feeling okay?
I'm fine. Beat it, media.
You listen here, young man.
Just because you're embarrassed
by your own behavior
is no reason to lash out at me.
I'm the one person in town
who feels sorry for you,
and even I've about had it.
Now apologize.
I'm sorry.
Um... ma'am.
Good. Now, tell me what's wrong.
I mean, it doesn't make sense.
I can't stop partying.
I barely sleep.
I called Peyton Manning
a chicken-fried Frankenstein
on Twitter.
I-I'm doing me more than ever.
So why don't I play good?
Oh, sweetie.
It sounds like you just need
to slow down.
I actually have
six identical Ferraris.
I want to own
all the blue ones.
I know what's wrong with you.
Not enough Ferraris.
What this boy needs
is a home-cooked meal
and a good night's sleep.
At my house.
A partnership
betwixt a man and a woman
to provide for the care
of a young person.
You supply
the nurturing home life,
and I'll be
the emotionally-withholding
yet somehow worshipped
father figure.
It's a deal.
You're coming home with me.
I really want to,
but I'm kind of supposed
to get into it
with some hockey players
outside a strip club later.
I'll call them
and tell them you're sick.
Yo. Two parents and some kids?
This is a straight-up family.
For real.
I guess we are.
So, Grayson, you just graduated
from college, right?
What did you major in?
Oh, they never told me.
That means communications.
You see, I grew up
on the Florida-Texas border,
where football is king.
One day, I saw this other baby
crawling a post pattern,
and I hit him with my pacifier.
Perfect spiral. 20 yards.
My folks did what
any loving parents would do--
they packed me off
to football academy.
I'm real grateful.
If you keep a kid at home
till he's two,
it can screw up his development.
Growing up in an
all-football environment
helped me avoid the distractions
that come with being a kid--
friends, laughing, that junk.
For college, Alabama Tech
was an easy choice.
Coach is an amazing recruiter.
You really feel his passion.
Wait, so you never
see your parents?
Oh, I see them all the time!
I see them at games,
in documentaries about me,
in the Campbell's Soup
commercial
my mom did without my knowledge.
Oh, Grayson,
growing up with nothing
but football
can't have been healthy.
No, no, I'm good.
Gimme that back!
Starters eat before scrubs!
Everybody knows that!
You know, I'm beginning to see
the appeal of football.
Hit him again!
Kids, behave!
In a family,
we do not steal food.
- But...
- No buts.
Just because there aren't
coaches and minders
watching your every move doesn't
mean you can act selfishly.
In a family, you don't do you.
You do...
others?
And don't you forget it.
Now, boys, clear the table.
Bust. Bust. Bust.
You sure the rookie
doesn't mind sharing?
Maggie loves company.
Um, Mrs. Marge,
do-do you think
it'd be all right
if I stayed here for a while?
I've never been around
a real family before.
Of course you can.
You sure? I'm a lot of work.
I need 9,000 calories a day
or I'll die.
So does my husband, silly.
♪ ♪
Wow!
I've never seen such
a tiny megachurch.
It's a normal-sized
regular church, Grayson.
Hey, here's a little fuel
for your private jet, Reverend.
When did the faces
on the paper money get so big?
♪Happy birthday to you! ♪
Wow.
My first birthday party.
I made you a card.
We're all playing catch.
You've all given me so much.
I have a family now.
A family that's shown me
I don't have to be selfish
to be a success.
Huddle up, team.
Feelings on three!
One, two, three!
Feelings!
Who wants presents?
- I do! I do!
Ooh, ooh, I do!
- I do! I do!
- Merch!
Try this on, big fella.
Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns!
I'm so glad you came!
Now it's a party, huh, guys?
Oh, I would never miss
the birthday
of football's brashest bad boy.
Now let's head out.
You and I are having
a night on the town.
It's time to party
with Brandyman!
Or Do-You-Man? I'm...
Can we decide on a catchphrase?
Catchphrase TBD!
Are you nuts?
You do realize that Grayson has
a career-defining
football game tomorrow.
He's gonna go to bed early
after a nice hot bath.
You can try out
the Silly Soap I bought. Huh?
All right!
This man plays a game
for a living
and you infantilize him?
Fine, but your mollycoddling
will have dire consequences.
Mark my words.
Mathers with
his fourth touchdown of the day!
And in a never-before-seen move,
the opposing defense
is resigning en masse
to try their luck
in the Canadian Football League.
Good luck, fellas.
There he is! The man I never
thought was a bust for a second!
A 53-point win.
Bet you can't wait to say
something really arrogant.
Just lucky
to have great teammates,
what a game plan,
keep my head down and work.
But also the greats who paved
the way in this league.
Where's my bad boy?
Come on, son. Be a sore winner.
Make Daddy proud.
Maybe you could call
the other team soft?
I mean, it's just us reporters
here. No one will know.
No, sir. I'm just trying
to be the kind of guy
who makes a mother proud.
Are you saying...
you're a mama's boy?
I'm the biggest mama's boy
on the planet!
Mmm. Tastes good.
Marge Simpson,
what have you done?
You've ruined
our beautiful, arrogant boy!
Ruined? He's happy now.
What's wrong, guys?
Why are you fighting?
Oh, this woman's got you as
twisted as a Cossack's mustache.
What happened to the bad boy I
raised up from recent adulthood?
Don't listen to him, Grayson.
I'm so sorry
I ruined your spokesperson.
He's not just my spokesperson.
He's my spokes-son.
And you stole him from me.
You're so merged
with your own selfishness,
you don't even identify it
as selfishness anymore.
You're a monster!
And you're winning!
You've got to choose, my boy.
Me or her.
Can't you see
you're tearing me apart?!
I need to grind tape
of blitz protections
against an eight-man box!
I haven't heard
from Grayson in days.
Neither has the NFL Network,
ESPN or Adam Schefter.
The football world
hangs in the balance,
waiting for
this rookie phenom quarterback
to choose
between his surrogate parents.
My sources tell me that Mathers
hasn't gone back to Mr. Burns
and that Marge has just
this second finished folding
the sheets Grayson
may never sleep on again.
What sources?
What if I never see my special
big football boy again?
Mom, a fancy invitation
came for you.
Grayson sent me a ticket
for the Sports Channel's
annual awards show.
You're going
to the Sportswardsies?
That's the one night
when pro athletes
finally get to thank
their agents.
And Grayson picked me
as his plus-one,
not Mr. Burns.
You won!
Motherhood won!
Yippee!
All good, all good.
♪ ♪
- You!
- You!
Wait, I'm supposed
to be sitting next to Grayson.
So am I.
I know what's happening here.
Obviously, our boy
sat us together thinking
we would reach
some sort of rapprochement.
He Parent Trapped us!
Too bad for him--
we're never gonna
see eye to eye.
Amen, sister.
A toast
to never-ending animosity.
I'll drink to that.
Enemies forever.
Mm. Ah.
The Sportswardsies are starting.
Kids, have you filled out
your betting sheets?
Look at these categories.
Worst Contract?
Best World Series?
The Donald Sterling
Appalling Owner
Lifetime Achievement Award?
James Dolan,
James Dolan, James Dolan.
For me, it's all about
Best Stretcher Ride Thumbs-Up.
Most of all,
I'd like to thank Gordo,
who I pay six figures
to carry my trophies.
Gordo, this is for you, buddy.
When we come back,
the Sportswardsy
for Most Inspiring Athlete.
Oh, he's looking
at the wrong camera.
He's such a cutie.
How could two people like us,
with all our flaws,
make this perfect creature?
I'm a terrible father.
I should have raised him
to be a man, not a brand.
Ah. Let's promise
we'll do better, Monty.
Together.
The winner
for Most Inspiring Athlete is...
Grayson Mathers.
-♪ ♪
You all know I've had
some personal struggles lately.
I was losing
the football game of emotions.
But there's one person
who got me through it.
He's talking about you.
You're the nurturer.
But you're his inspiration.
It's got to be you.
And that person is...
- my fiancée Kaitlyn!
The three days I've known her
have seemed like a lifetime.
An Instagram model,
a YouTube reactor
and the creator of Yoga Yogurt,
the faith-based yogurt
you eat while yoga-ing.
Kaitlyn is so much more
than a business manager to me.
Though she's that, too!
As of this morning!
Hope you can handle
total financial control, baby!
Good news, babe!
You're fighting Floyd Mayweather
on a Valentine's Day
pay-per-view!
She's getting me out
of the brandy business,
into something
more wholesome, y'all:
our new line
of all-ages hard seltzers.
@Katilicious_97,
I can't wait to marry you.
Tell me there's a prenup.
No prenup!
That's how I roll!
Who wants some seltzers?
Dime for you!
And just like that,
we've been replaced.
One day, they're these sweet,
innocent creatures
who are totally reliant on you.
Then, suddenly,
it's two weeks later
and they're gone.
When we return, find out
who takes home the Sportswardsy
for Best
Press Conference Meltdown
and Most Valuable MVP.
Plus, Cirque du Soleil
will reimagine
this year's Most Flagrant Fouls.
Later, it's
Least Racist Team Name
and Coldest Bud Light,
brought to you by Bud Light.
And don't miss Kenny Chesney
and his musical tribute
to the 100 all-time
worst-run vanity charities.
Then, find out which
baseball player will take home
Highest Batting Average.
And five living legends
battle it out
for the Most Tone-Deaf
Hall of Fame Speech.
And lots more.
All that when
the Sportswardsies continue.
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
Shh!