The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 31, Episode 10 - Bobby: It's Cold Outside - full transcript
Sideshow Bob gets the role of Santa Claus at Santa's Village amusement park. Meanwhile, someone is stealing all the Christmas packages off people's front porches.
("Deck the Halls" playing)
Ho, ho, ho!
D'oh! Ho, ho!
? ?
(caws)
And now to order
my Christmas gifts
with plenty of time.
(tires screech)
Hmm. UPS tracking says
my packages just arrived.
All I have to do is look down.
D'ah!
Who could've done this? Who?
? Ding-dong, merrily on high ?
? In heaven the bells
are ringing ?
? Ding-dong, Bart is gonna die ?
? His little neck
I'm stringing. ?
(sinister laughter)
Hmm. Needs tinsel
to reflect
the horror in Bart's eyes.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, a visitor. Coming.
Ahoy! Are there any lonely
lighthouse keepers abaft here?
(sighing): Oh, hello, Cassandra.
Surprise! I made you muffins.
You want to know a secret?
I used two sticks of butter.
Do you have any
deep dark secrets?
? ?
(grunting)
(groaning)
Merry Christmas, Father!
(chuckles) Stay out of trouble.
(wind gusting)
Nope. No secrets.
So, have you ever
thought about children?
Missed me! Missed me!
Now you gotta kiss me!
(kissing)
Oh, if you'll excuse me,
my gimbals need
a good whale oiling.
- Ta!
- Oh,
you might get
some other visitors.
I mentioned you in town today.
You told people about me?
What did you tell them?! What?!
That you had kind eyes,
a beautiful voice,
and no wedding ring.
- There he is!
- (gasps)
I was a fool to let
my guard down with a woman
who runs a seaward-aiming
Fresnel lens!
From hell's heart
I stab at thee!
Oh, my God. Just listen to that
mellifluous baritone.
He's perfect for the role.
Role? Role?
You're offering me
an acting job?
Yes! It's to play Santa Claus
at a small amusement park.
Oh, what the hell.
It is the lead. I'm in!
Dinner is served.
("Carol of the Bells" playing)
? ?
Hey, let's see
what's on your tag.
"Cadaver-sniffing dog"?!
Ah, that's another job
I didn't get.
(tires screech)
It's gone.
My porch repair kit is gone!
(blowing forcefully)
(breathing heavily)
(engine running)
D'oh!
(grunting)
A little help!
(chuckling)
Another crafts project
gone out of hand?
- Yes.
- If you're not tied up tomorrow,
I took the day off from work.
I was thinking we could watch
an R-rated movie.
Finally, the sexy story
of Tony Roma's ribs.
But tomorrow I promised the kids
I'd take them out of school.
It can be our family day.
Yawn.
We'll go to Santa's Village.
Oh, I hate that place.
It's so crowded at Christmas.
And the giant candy canes
are not real.
But they are electrified!
Well, we're going
and taking the kids.
Why couldn't that be me?
- Homer!
- Oh...
(horns honking)
? Baby shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
? Baby shark, doo-doo-
doo-doo-doo-doo ?
-? Baby shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
-Oh, God, I'm so sick of this.
-Thing just keeps
going on and on.
-? Baby shark, Mommy shark ?
- ? Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
- I don't want to hear a shark
-or "baby" or "doo" ever again.
-? Mommy shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
-? Mommy shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
-Marge, you traitor!
-It's so catchy.
-? Mommy shark, Daddy shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
Oh, what the hell.
ALL: ? Daddy shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
? Daddy shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
? Daddy shark. ?
Play this at my funeral!
(grinding)
Why do the low-budget parks
we go to
have so many white trash idiots?
Oh! Boy, that's good.
Why? Why?
Well, I'm getting
right in line for Santa.
Eight hours to see
a fat lazy drunk-o?
I came to this park
to get away from one.
Wow. Even Chanukah Hollow
is packed.
("I Have a Little Dreidel"
playing)
Check out the Dreidel Casino.
Come on, gimmel, gimmel, gimmel!
Ah, shin again!
I thought this would be
the one part of Judaism
I'm good at.
(chuckles)
(groans)
Typical.
The one ride is a stupid,
boring kiddie ride.
At least you get to have fun.
(ominous music playing)
(cackling)
? It's a scary place
in the world outside ?
? Gnomes are watching you,
so you'd best not cry ?
? Don't display any fear,
this we know ?
? Yes, it's clear,
all our eyes ?
? Are watching you ?
? It's a scary place
in the world outside ?
? Gnomes are watching you,
so you'd best not cry ?
? Don't display any fear,
this we know, yes, it's clear ?
? All our eyes
are watching you. ?
(camera clicks)
Hey, buddy, thanks
for saving me a spot.
Bart, you cut the bullies.
(grunts)
In this situation,
we assign equal blame
to the cutter and the cuttee.
Let him go.
I don't want to get blood
on my Christmas sweater.
Oh, there's gonna be blood
on your sweater, all right.
I just said I didn't want that!
(grunting)
(humming)
(grinding)
Hello, young man.
Climb right up.
Santa?
Bartholomew Simpson.
- You don't know me, but...
- Oh, but I do.
Hello-ho-ho, Bart.
Sideshow Bob!
Merry Christmas.
(laughing maniacally)
(laughter continues)
He's in a good mood.
Yes. This is the year
I get the monkey.
I keep telling you,
a monkey is a huge
responsibility.
I'm raising a kid.
I think I can raise a monkey.
(thunder crackles)
(yelling)
So easy.
After all these years,
I get to watch the life drain
from your eye, your I...
I can't kill you!
- Want to know why?
- Mm, nah.
I am a trained method actor.
I inhabit my roles.
Like Daniel Day-Lewis
in Phantom Thread.
Or Mike Myers
in The Love Guru.
Why should I trust you?
Because I am utterly incapable
of stepping out of character.
I am Santa Claus.
The jolly old elf himself.
Ho, ho, ho.
MAN:
So can we get in to see you?
15-minute break.
Santa's making presents.
Ooh...
(all groaning)
I'm telling you,
this is Sideshow Bob!
- He tried to kill me!
- Well?
I am a card-carrying
seasonal Santa.
Kris Kringle Union, Local 5732.
Hey, I was a mall Santa, too.
I still wear the belt.
Uh, if you're gonna spend
this much time with our Santa,
you have to pose for a photo.
Photos with Santa, $40.
Marge, just take one
with your phone!
- Got it.
- Run!
This will stop the jerks
who've been stealing packages
off my porch: a decoy with
an exploding dye marker inside.
You don't think you packed in
a little too much gunpowder?
Relax. I learned how to do this
from my Uncle Two Fingers.
Oh, my God.
You're the package thief?
(tires screech)
(feeble muttering)
Lenny. Who did this to you?
Can you say it?
- Eh.
- Can you whisper it?
- Eh.
- Can you write it
with your blood?
Ooh.
I'm a little worried
our Christmas packages
haven't arrived.
Marge, relax.
There's plenty of time.
It's 8:00 p.m. Christmas Eve!
Just sit back and watch
this Fox News yule log.
("Silent Night" playing)
We interrupt this yule log
with a special report.
Package delivery thefts
continue in Springfield.
Local man
Leonard "Lenny" Leonard
had his jingle bell rung
in a package deal gone boom.
Our only clue is these initials
next to the corpse.
He's not a corpse.
He's breathing.
- I say he's a corpse.
- (blows) And I say I'm not.
Uh... (scoffs)
you don't get a vote.
(gasps)
"S.B." is Sideshow Bob!
That's what he's up to.
He's stealing Christmas!
A fellow Santa
could not steal Christmas.
I know who this mysterious
"S.B." is.
Welcome to jail, Selma Bouvier.
Uh, tell Scott Bakula,
Steve Ballmer
and Sandra Bullock
they're off the hook.
I should've been back
at NCIS: New Orleans
two hours ago.
Why don't you just
Quantum Leap there?
Why don't you learn
how to be a cop, fatso?
I loved it!
Mistaken identity!
I sold ten, ten season tickets
to the guys in my cell.
Everything we do is successful,
booyah!
? ?
Santa's Village, please.
What do you want
to go there for?
(scoffs) I'm saving Christmas.
Every kid thinks they're
doing that this time of year.
And as for you, Santa's Village
is closed, I'm afraid.
If I wanted your life story,
I would've taken an Uber.
Well, that shuts me up.
I'm not gonna leave
till I find out
what Bob's up to.
If you don't hear from me
in one hour, call the police.
I have my own problems, Bart.
My mom just locked my dad out
in the snow.
He keeps tapping at my window.
She said if I open it,
no presents.
- Useless.
- Don't hang up.
(laughs)
Classic evil villain mistake.
Life goals?!
Don't pooh-pooh.
Now for God's sake,
how can I convince you
that I am not
going to kill you?!
Find the person
who stole the presents.
Very well. I shall begin
by clearing my initials,
catching the true "S.B."
and, if I must,
save Christmas for everyone.
Now let me drive you home.
You want me
to ride with you? Fine.
Shotgun!
Let's roll.
Shotgun means you pay the tolls.
So I'm here to save Christmas,
and here's my plan.
First, I conceal myself
within this box.
(all gasp)
Where'd you learn
how to do that?
When you ride cross-country
in a clown car, you learn a lot.
(shuddering laugh)
- (applause, cheering)
- HOMER: Who knew?
- Brava!
- Who knew?
SIDESHOW BOB:
Thank you.
Now, Homer,
gently place me on the porch,
and when they steal me,
follow them to their lair.
Will do.
(both grunting)
(grunting continues)
Ah!
- And... (grunts)
- Ah!
Godspeed.
They'll be here any minute.
? ?
(cameras clicking)
(bells jingling)
(straining):
Can't breathe.
(breathing deeply)
ALL:
? Baby shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
? Baby shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
? Baby shark, doo-doo-
doo-doo-doo-doo. ?
(gasps) Oh, my God, S.B. is
Smithers and Burns!
Since when does Smithers
go first?
The jig is up!
Also, leg cramp.
Ow.
The police are on their way.
Who will they believe?
You or the billionaire
who just sent them
a Montgomery Ward's cheese log?
Mr. Burns, why did you do this?
Ooh, general Scroogeyness.
No, it's deeper.
It's much deeper than that.
(gasps)
I think Mr. Burns is depressed.
Ooh, you're a very
perceptive girl.
(melancholy piano music plays)
- That's close enough.
- (music stops)
I just wanted everyone
to experience
the same Christmas heartbreak
that I once did.
? Good King Wenceslas
looked out ?
? On the feast of Stephen. ?
Papa, sweet Papa,
may I sit on Santa's lap?
Well, I don't know.
Santa Claus,
giving away free toys,
undercutting my friends,
Bill Mattel and Fred Hasbro.
Please?
(shouts)
Well, what's on your wish list,
little boy?
A Rockford sock monkey,
Studebaker pedal car,
or the most popular gift
this year, an orange.
All I want is a hug
from my mommy
and a smile from my daddy.
Oh, well I'm sure
there's a hug and a smile
on their way to you right now.
Ho, ho, ho.
Next.
What do you want for Christmas?
I want you to marry my mom
like you said you would.
Next!
? ?
BURNS:
Christmas day came...
I'm here to take you
to boarding school.
- On Christmas Day?
- Hey, no traffic.
BURNS:
The next time I saw my parents,
they weren't in a smiling mood.
Too late!
You two never gave me anything
except $100 million.
Santa lied.
But, Monty,
you misunderstood me.
Ho, ho, ho.
Santa? It can't be.
Monty, it's 1935,
and this is
Gimbels Department Store,
with the toy train
in the window
and Maxie the elevator man.
You're looking
at the lingerie department.
You can look. It's okay.
(laughs)
Yes. Yes. Yes!
I am a child again.
And the truth is,
your parents did love you,
not with hugs and kisses,
but with something better--
they made you strong.
Where are all the other tycoons
from your day?
Broke, dead, a lot of #MeToo.
But you're the richest,
most ruthless man in town,
thanks to your parents' love.
It's true.
Smithers, it's Christmas,
which is a work day for you,
so help me out.
- And it's my birthday.
- Don't expect two presents.
- ? Christmas ?
- ? The snow's coming down ?
- ? Christmas ?
- ? I'm watching it fall ?
? Christmas... ?
My raisins came!
- Mmm!
- (sighs)
Well, at least he's eating.
? Christmas... ?
Huzzah for Mr. Burns!
God bless us, every one.
Seriously, this is,
this is really nice.
("Carol of the Bells" playing)
(yawns) We did it.
Got all the presents
under the tree.
I'm lucky because no one
could possibly steal my gift.
All I want
is one peaceful moment
to hold my wife in my arms.
Aw.
BART:
It's Christmas!
Awake already?
- (chuckles) Slide whistle.
- Kazoo!
(all playing instruments)
(quietly):
Meet me in the basement.
Okay.
Picture time.
Janey, haven't you learned
that silly tune yet?
You play it over and over
again. Now stop it, stop it!
That girl is pretty bad
at the piano.
(knock on door)
Ugh. Hello, Cassandra.
I brought you
a Christmas present.
(grumbling)
I know who you are,
and I know what you've done,
and I want you to kiss me.
- ? You really should go ?
- ? It's 20 below ?
- ? I can't have you here ?
- ? Just get me a beer ?
- ? I'm being a gent ?
- ? I'm giving consent ?
? You are quite inviting ?
? I will put it in writing ?
BOTH:
? Baby, it's cold outside. ?
(crashing)
Yarr. Will someone
turn on the damn light?!
A little late, don't you think?
Yarr!
Steve. Psst. Steve. Wait.
Sorry, I'm just about ready
to leave your wonderful town.
Great place. Fantastic!
The best Springfield
I've ever been in. Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Can you teach me to do that?
Do what? This is just me.
Fantastic coffee!
Send a truckful to Seattle.
How can you possibly
be so happy?
- It's in you, too.
- I really don't think so.
Monty, look me in the eye.
I don't know if I can.
(neck cracks)
You're amazingly alive,
you're rich beyond
any sense of justice,
you're C. Montgomery Burns.
- Whoo!
- (weakly): Whoo.
- (bones crack)
- Ow! (groaning)
Hurt yourself
on the landing, huh?
No, on the way up.
Shh!
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
Ho, ho, ho!
D'oh! Ho, ho!
? ?
(caws)
And now to order
my Christmas gifts
with plenty of time.
(tires screech)
Hmm. UPS tracking says
my packages just arrived.
All I have to do is look down.
D'ah!
Who could've done this? Who?
? Ding-dong, merrily on high ?
? In heaven the bells
are ringing ?
? Ding-dong, Bart is gonna die ?
? His little neck
I'm stringing. ?
(sinister laughter)
Hmm. Needs tinsel
to reflect
the horror in Bart's eyes.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, a visitor. Coming.
Ahoy! Are there any lonely
lighthouse keepers abaft here?
(sighing): Oh, hello, Cassandra.
Surprise! I made you muffins.
You want to know a secret?
I used two sticks of butter.
Do you have any
deep dark secrets?
? ?
(grunting)
(groaning)
Merry Christmas, Father!
(chuckles) Stay out of trouble.
(wind gusting)
Nope. No secrets.
So, have you ever
thought about children?
Missed me! Missed me!
Now you gotta kiss me!
(kissing)
Oh, if you'll excuse me,
my gimbals need
a good whale oiling.
- Ta!
- Oh,
you might get
some other visitors.
I mentioned you in town today.
You told people about me?
What did you tell them?! What?!
That you had kind eyes,
a beautiful voice,
and no wedding ring.
- There he is!
- (gasps)
I was a fool to let
my guard down with a woman
who runs a seaward-aiming
Fresnel lens!
From hell's heart
I stab at thee!
Oh, my God. Just listen to that
mellifluous baritone.
He's perfect for the role.
Role? Role?
You're offering me
an acting job?
Yes! It's to play Santa Claus
at a small amusement park.
Oh, what the hell.
It is the lead. I'm in!
Dinner is served.
("Carol of the Bells" playing)
? ?
Hey, let's see
what's on your tag.
"Cadaver-sniffing dog"?!
Ah, that's another job
I didn't get.
(tires screech)
It's gone.
My porch repair kit is gone!
(blowing forcefully)
(breathing heavily)
(engine running)
D'oh!
(grunting)
A little help!
(chuckling)
Another crafts project
gone out of hand?
- Yes.
- If you're not tied up tomorrow,
I took the day off from work.
I was thinking we could watch
an R-rated movie.
Finally, the sexy story
of Tony Roma's ribs.
But tomorrow I promised the kids
I'd take them out of school.
It can be our family day.
Yawn.
We'll go to Santa's Village.
Oh, I hate that place.
It's so crowded at Christmas.
And the giant candy canes
are not real.
But they are electrified!
Well, we're going
and taking the kids.
Why couldn't that be me?
- Homer!
- Oh...
(horns honking)
? Baby shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
? Baby shark, doo-doo-
doo-doo-doo-doo ?
-? Baby shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
-Oh, God, I'm so sick of this.
-Thing just keeps
going on and on.
-? Baby shark, Mommy shark ?
- ? Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
- I don't want to hear a shark
-or "baby" or "doo" ever again.
-? Mommy shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
-? Mommy shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
-Marge, you traitor!
-It's so catchy.
-? Mommy shark, Daddy shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
Oh, what the hell.
ALL: ? Daddy shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
? Daddy shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
? Daddy shark. ?
Play this at my funeral!
(grinding)
Why do the low-budget parks
we go to
have so many white trash idiots?
Oh! Boy, that's good.
Why? Why?
Well, I'm getting
right in line for Santa.
Eight hours to see
a fat lazy drunk-o?
I came to this park
to get away from one.
Wow. Even Chanukah Hollow
is packed.
("I Have a Little Dreidel"
playing)
Check out the Dreidel Casino.
Come on, gimmel, gimmel, gimmel!
Ah, shin again!
I thought this would be
the one part of Judaism
I'm good at.
(chuckles)
(groans)
Typical.
The one ride is a stupid,
boring kiddie ride.
At least you get to have fun.
(ominous music playing)
(cackling)
? It's a scary place
in the world outside ?
? Gnomes are watching you,
so you'd best not cry ?
? Don't display any fear,
this we know ?
? Yes, it's clear,
all our eyes ?
? Are watching you ?
? It's a scary place
in the world outside ?
? Gnomes are watching you,
so you'd best not cry ?
? Don't display any fear,
this we know, yes, it's clear ?
? All our eyes
are watching you. ?
(camera clicks)
Hey, buddy, thanks
for saving me a spot.
Bart, you cut the bullies.
(grunts)
In this situation,
we assign equal blame
to the cutter and the cuttee.
Let him go.
I don't want to get blood
on my Christmas sweater.
Oh, there's gonna be blood
on your sweater, all right.
I just said I didn't want that!
(grunting)
(humming)
(grinding)
Hello, young man.
Climb right up.
Santa?
Bartholomew Simpson.
- You don't know me, but...
- Oh, but I do.
Hello-ho-ho, Bart.
Sideshow Bob!
Merry Christmas.
(laughing maniacally)
(laughter continues)
He's in a good mood.
Yes. This is the year
I get the monkey.
I keep telling you,
a monkey is a huge
responsibility.
I'm raising a kid.
I think I can raise a monkey.
(thunder crackles)
(yelling)
So easy.
After all these years,
I get to watch the life drain
from your eye, your I...
I can't kill you!
- Want to know why?
- Mm, nah.
I am a trained method actor.
I inhabit my roles.
Like Daniel Day-Lewis
in Phantom Thread.
Or Mike Myers
in The Love Guru.
Why should I trust you?
Because I am utterly incapable
of stepping out of character.
I am Santa Claus.
The jolly old elf himself.
Ho, ho, ho.
MAN:
So can we get in to see you?
15-minute break.
Santa's making presents.
Ooh...
(all groaning)
I'm telling you,
this is Sideshow Bob!
- He tried to kill me!
- Well?
I am a card-carrying
seasonal Santa.
Kris Kringle Union, Local 5732.
Hey, I was a mall Santa, too.
I still wear the belt.
Uh, if you're gonna spend
this much time with our Santa,
you have to pose for a photo.
Photos with Santa, $40.
Marge, just take one
with your phone!
- Got it.
- Run!
This will stop the jerks
who've been stealing packages
off my porch: a decoy with
an exploding dye marker inside.
You don't think you packed in
a little too much gunpowder?
Relax. I learned how to do this
from my Uncle Two Fingers.
Oh, my God.
You're the package thief?
(tires screech)
(feeble muttering)
Lenny. Who did this to you?
Can you say it?
- Eh.
- Can you whisper it?
- Eh.
- Can you write it
with your blood?
Ooh.
I'm a little worried
our Christmas packages
haven't arrived.
Marge, relax.
There's plenty of time.
It's 8:00 p.m. Christmas Eve!
Just sit back and watch
this Fox News yule log.
("Silent Night" playing)
We interrupt this yule log
with a special report.
Package delivery thefts
continue in Springfield.
Local man
Leonard "Lenny" Leonard
had his jingle bell rung
in a package deal gone boom.
Our only clue is these initials
next to the corpse.
He's not a corpse.
He's breathing.
- I say he's a corpse.
- (blows) And I say I'm not.
Uh... (scoffs)
you don't get a vote.
(gasps)
"S.B." is Sideshow Bob!
That's what he's up to.
He's stealing Christmas!
A fellow Santa
could not steal Christmas.
I know who this mysterious
"S.B." is.
Welcome to jail, Selma Bouvier.
Uh, tell Scott Bakula,
Steve Ballmer
and Sandra Bullock
they're off the hook.
I should've been back
at NCIS: New Orleans
two hours ago.
Why don't you just
Quantum Leap there?
Why don't you learn
how to be a cop, fatso?
I loved it!
Mistaken identity!
I sold ten, ten season tickets
to the guys in my cell.
Everything we do is successful,
booyah!
? ?
Santa's Village, please.
What do you want
to go there for?
(scoffs) I'm saving Christmas.
Every kid thinks they're
doing that this time of year.
And as for you, Santa's Village
is closed, I'm afraid.
If I wanted your life story,
I would've taken an Uber.
Well, that shuts me up.
I'm not gonna leave
till I find out
what Bob's up to.
If you don't hear from me
in one hour, call the police.
I have my own problems, Bart.
My mom just locked my dad out
in the snow.
He keeps tapping at my window.
She said if I open it,
no presents.
- Useless.
- Don't hang up.
(laughs)
Classic evil villain mistake.
Life goals?!
Don't pooh-pooh.
Now for God's sake,
how can I convince you
that I am not
going to kill you?!
Find the person
who stole the presents.
Very well. I shall begin
by clearing my initials,
catching the true "S.B."
and, if I must,
save Christmas for everyone.
Now let me drive you home.
You want me
to ride with you? Fine.
Shotgun!
Let's roll.
Shotgun means you pay the tolls.
So I'm here to save Christmas,
and here's my plan.
First, I conceal myself
within this box.
(all gasp)
Where'd you learn
how to do that?
When you ride cross-country
in a clown car, you learn a lot.
(shuddering laugh)
- (applause, cheering)
- HOMER: Who knew?
- Brava!
- Who knew?
SIDESHOW BOB:
Thank you.
Now, Homer,
gently place me on the porch,
and when they steal me,
follow them to their lair.
Will do.
(both grunting)
(grunting continues)
Ah!
- And... (grunts)
- Ah!
Godspeed.
They'll be here any minute.
? ?
(cameras clicking)
(bells jingling)
(straining):
Can't breathe.
(breathing deeply)
ALL:
? Baby shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
? Baby shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ?
? Baby shark, doo-doo-
doo-doo-doo-doo. ?
(gasps) Oh, my God, S.B. is
Smithers and Burns!
Since when does Smithers
go first?
The jig is up!
Also, leg cramp.
Ow.
The police are on their way.
Who will they believe?
You or the billionaire
who just sent them
a Montgomery Ward's cheese log?
Mr. Burns, why did you do this?
Ooh, general Scroogeyness.
No, it's deeper.
It's much deeper than that.
(gasps)
I think Mr. Burns is depressed.
Ooh, you're a very
perceptive girl.
(melancholy piano music plays)
- That's close enough.
- (music stops)
I just wanted everyone
to experience
the same Christmas heartbreak
that I once did.
? Good King Wenceslas
looked out ?
? On the feast of Stephen. ?
Papa, sweet Papa,
may I sit on Santa's lap?
Well, I don't know.
Santa Claus,
giving away free toys,
undercutting my friends,
Bill Mattel and Fred Hasbro.
Please?
(shouts)
Well, what's on your wish list,
little boy?
A Rockford sock monkey,
Studebaker pedal car,
or the most popular gift
this year, an orange.
All I want is a hug
from my mommy
and a smile from my daddy.
Oh, well I'm sure
there's a hug and a smile
on their way to you right now.
Ho, ho, ho.
Next.
What do you want for Christmas?
I want you to marry my mom
like you said you would.
Next!
? ?
BURNS:
Christmas day came...
I'm here to take you
to boarding school.
- On Christmas Day?
- Hey, no traffic.
BURNS:
The next time I saw my parents,
they weren't in a smiling mood.
Too late!
You two never gave me anything
except $100 million.
Santa lied.
But, Monty,
you misunderstood me.
Ho, ho, ho.
Santa? It can't be.
Monty, it's 1935,
and this is
Gimbels Department Store,
with the toy train
in the window
and Maxie the elevator man.
You're looking
at the lingerie department.
You can look. It's okay.
(laughs)
Yes. Yes. Yes!
I am a child again.
And the truth is,
your parents did love you,
not with hugs and kisses,
but with something better--
they made you strong.
Where are all the other tycoons
from your day?
Broke, dead, a lot of #MeToo.
But you're the richest,
most ruthless man in town,
thanks to your parents' love.
It's true.
Smithers, it's Christmas,
which is a work day for you,
so help me out.
- And it's my birthday.
- Don't expect two presents.
- ? Christmas ?
- ? The snow's coming down ?
- ? Christmas ?
- ? I'm watching it fall ?
? Christmas... ?
My raisins came!
- Mmm!
- (sighs)
Well, at least he's eating.
? Christmas... ?
Huzzah for Mr. Burns!
God bless us, every one.
Seriously, this is,
this is really nice.
("Carol of the Bells" playing)
(yawns) We did it.
Got all the presents
under the tree.
I'm lucky because no one
could possibly steal my gift.
All I want
is one peaceful moment
to hold my wife in my arms.
Aw.
BART:
It's Christmas!
Awake already?
- (chuckles) Slide whistle.
- Kazoo!
(all playing instruments)
(quietly):
Meet me in the basement.
Okay.
Picture time.
Janey, haven't you learned
that silly tune yet?
You play it over and over
again. Now stop it, stop it!
That girl is pretty bad
at the piano.
(knock on door)
Ugh. Hello, Cassandra.
I brought you
a Christmas present.
(grumbling)
I know who you are,
and I know what you've done,
and I want you to kiss me.
- ? You really should go ?
- ? It's 20 below ?
- ? I can't have you here ?
- ? Just get me a beer ?
- ? I'm being a gent ?
- ? I'm giving consent ?
? You are quite inviting ?
? I will put it in writing ?
BOTH:
? Baby, it's cold outside. ?
(crashing)
Yarr. Will someone
turn on the damn light?!
A little late, don't you think?
Yarr!
Steve. Psst. Steve. Wait.
Sorry, I'm just about ready
to leave your wonderful town.
Great place. Fantastic!
The best Springfield
I've ever been in. Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Can you teach me to do that?
Do what? This is just me.
Fantastic coffee!
Send a truckful to Seattle.
How can you possibly
be so happy?
- It's in you, too.
- I really don't think so.
Monty, look me in the eye.
I don't know if I can.
(neck cracks)
You're amazingly alive,
you're rich beyond
any sense of justice,
you're C. Montgomery Burns.
- Whoo!
- (weakly): Whoo.
- (bones crack)
- Ow! (groaning)
Hurt yourself
on the landing, huh?
No, on the way up.
Shh!
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH