The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 26, Episode 15 - The Princess Guide - full transcript
Moe falls in love with a Nigerian princess whose father is working out a uranium deal with Mr. Burns.
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(whirring)
Mmm. Paper jam.
♪ The Simpsons 26x15 ♪
The Princess Guide
Original Air Date on March 1, 2015
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606
Okay, Dad, I'm ready for Take
Your Daughter to Work Day.
How come there's never
a Take Your Son to Work Day?
'Cause boys are already on
track to get all the good jobs.
The Dirty Dozen? All guys.
Twelve Angry Men? Uh, men!
The X-Men? Mostly men.
(Bart and Homer laugh)
Good one, Dad.
Yeah.
Well, despite all that,
today's going to be fun, Dad!
Will there be lots
of other girls there?
Just a few. For some reason, there's been a
lot of infertility at the nuclear plant.
After we show you the wealth
of jobs in the steno pool,
a hearty luncheon of bison
with lake beaver will be served.
GIRLS:
Ew!
And upon leaving, you will each
receive a piece of orangewood
to bite down on
during childbirth.
(chuckles)
Excellent.
(person applauds)
It's getting harder and harder to
maintain my sunny disposition, Smithers.
Oh, you're always my ray of...
Shut up.
- Dad, what does that do?
- I don't know.
- Who's that guy?
- I don't know.
- Where do those pipes lead?
- Not sure.
Is it called the cooling
tower because there's...
- Not my department.
- How many kilowatts are...?
Look, sweetie, would you like to go to
the cafeteria and get some ice cream?
- How many kinds are there?
- 12.
Curse that Elon Musk! Thanks to
that Earth-smooching buttinski,
I'm on the verge of bankruptcy.
All I have left are the
clothes on my back
and the clones in my freezer.
43 is missing again.
I had to replace my beloved
hounds with teacup poodles.
It's pathetic. Watch.
Release the hounds.
(barking)
(chuckling):
Aw.
No. Help. Oh, stop.
Oh, spare me.
And all I got from Mr. Musk
was an electric car,
which I charge by stealing power
from my nosy neighbor.
Hey, dippily-do, neighbor-oni!
Stupid Branson.
But I have a new scheme that will undo the
terrible damage done by my other schemes.
I have an appointment
with a Nigerian King
to negotiate a uranium deal that
will put me right back on top.
Huh. Nothing can stop you, sir.
But, uh, not that you're not
at the top of your game.
Uh, what if you
don't get the deal?
I'll just have to sell everything and
move to the South Pacific with you.
What a grim fate
that would be.
And with your omelet, would you like the
fried potatoes or the mixed berries?
I'll have the berries.
Ah.
A terrible fate
indeed, sir.
Oh, no. My almond milk
leaked all over everything.
Dad, do you have anything
I can eat?
Hmm?
Oh, uh, I will turn this corn
chip into a wonderful meal,
using my greatest skill...
lunchroom trading!
Shut your eyes.
("The Thieving Magpie"
by Rossini plays)
- Pretty impressive, Homer.
- But what about the presentation?
The eyes taste first,
then lips, then palette.
Then the body's
harshest critic... the colon.
(Rossini's
"Thieving Magpie" plays)
Okay, sweetie,
open those baby blacks.
(gasps)
Wow, Dad.
(giggles)
Thank you. Ooh.
Welcome, Your Majesty.
Mr. Burns, I don't know
what you have heard,
but I do not eat monkey brains
from a skull.
Oh, this is for me.
Before we begin,
I have a favor to ask.
(sucking
through straw)
My daughter is
traveling with me.
Hello.
She is my true treasure. During
our complicated negotiations,
I need someone to look after
her, keep her out of trouble.
Hmm.
That man is the perfect choice.
What?! Sir, that's
Homer Simpson.
You forgot that
he's the most incompetent...
(both laughing)
Homer Simpson
would be perfect.
Simpson, all you have
to do is babysit the princess...
keeping her in this hotel
room during the negotiations.
Babysitting, eh?
What do I know about kids?
Homer Simpson, I give you
Princess Kemi of Nigeria!
Watch that girl
like a hawk.
(screams)
Princess, why'd you put on
that coat?
You're obviously cold. May I
escort you to the radiator?
No. I want to go out.
I'm 25 years old.
(phone ringing)
Uh, just a second. Hey, Marge.
Yeah, I'm working late.
Yup, special project.
Lenny said you were babysitting,
and if you are babysitting,
why can't you do some at home?
I could use a night out.
Sorry, Marge, but I am
the royal babysitter.
If I start watching commoners, the
tongues of the court will be awag.
Really? Awag? Really?
Well, if you think that...
(beeps off) I want to go
out and see the America
whose greatest cities I've
only seen destroyed in movies.
I see. You want excitement.
Princess, have you ever heard of
Studio 54, CBGBs, the Roxbury?
- Yes! I've dreamed of...
- All gone.
But in their place, we have
500 channels of television.
All awesome.
Sit down, and I'll show you.
So, all these concubines belong
to this one tyrant?
He's called "The Bachelor."
Please let me go out.
All right, Princess. I'll take you to a
place that's fun with a capital "F."
(grunting)
Moe, this is Kemi.
She's an honest-to-God princess.
Ah, really?
Hey, tell me something.
I heard that Queen Elizabeth in
person is actually not that funny.
I am from Africa.
Wow, Africa. I had a good friend
who really wanted to go there.
So, uh, you speak
English there?
I speak five languages.
(sputters)
Nobody does.
(speaking Portuguese)
(speaking French)
(speaking Spanish)
(speaking Japanese)
- Uh, which means what?
- "I don't wish to show off."
Yeah, that's pretty good there, uh, but
don't expect me to bow and scrape.
Uh, well,
I'll give you one scrape.
Yeah, that's it, Majesty.
Notice I didn't say "Your."
(laughs)
Oh, they don't make them
like you in Nigeria.
Nigeria? Homer, can I
speak to you in private?
(grunting)
- Can I try it?
- Ah, you got to be mad at something.
Well, I'm mad
I'm not doing it.
Okay, I'll tell you
why I'm mad.
A few months back, I got an unsolicited
e-mail from an actual Nigerian prince.
♪ ♪
The prince needed to transfer
$40 million out of the country.
He offered to split that with me if I paid
the five grand for the transfer fees.
HOMER: And you gave it to him?
MOE: Yeah, I did.
I was sure the guy was on the level
because of his bad spelling and grammar.
Now, guess how much
of the $20 million I saw?
- $8 million?
- Ze-ro.
Get out of here!
If Kemi there is a
Nigerian princess,
her brother just might be the
Nigerian prince that took my money!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Listen,
Moe, I'm Kemi's guardian.
She and I are going back
to the hotel now!
(gasps) She's gone!
And she trashed my bar!
Oh, no, wait. She actually cleaned
up a little bit. Yeah, good for her.
(panting): Chief, thank God!
I was drinking at Moe's, and
I lost an African princess!
Lost African princess, eh?
Well, lucky for you, she just happens
to be in the back of my cruiser.
Yes! The prayer I forgot
to say has been answered.
What the...?
You're going straight
to the drunk tank, rummy.
"African princess."
(distant gunshots)
Chief, I just saw someone
robbin' the Kwik-E-Mart!
Oh, now African princesses are
robbing the Kwik-E-Mart, huh?
Get in the car, booze bag.
Chief, I have been
shot in the shoulder!
In the car!
What is this, St. Patrick's Day?
Why, this is terrible. Can't even think
of anything to mumble to myself.
That's how upset I am here.
Hello. First of all,
I wanted to pay.
Also... maybe... I wanted
to talk more to you?
Really?
Okay there, Moe,
you got to get to the brother,
because he knows what
my PIN number is, and I forgot.
Yeah, duly noted.
Uh, so, Your Tootsieness,
tell me about your family.
Got any aunts, uncles,
cousins, sisters... brothers?
I have a brother.
Yes. One.
I see.
Now, Moe, don't jump to conclusions.
A lot of people have brothers.
- Does he have a computer?
- Yes.
MOE:
It's him!
HOMER: Guys, thanks for bailing me
out, but I still have a huge problem.
Well, till we find her, maybe we could
get somebody to pretend to be her.
You know, get a nice wig
and a dress.
Oh, no, I am not dressing up
like an African princess.
I am not! I am not! I am not!
Thank you for listening
to my objections.
Well, you were
really vehement.
(phone ringing)
Uh, hello, Simpson. Just checking up.
May I speak with the princess?
Um, yeah, sure. Uh...
(high-pitched Southern accent):
Hello, this is the princess.
I'm with Homer Simpson, and
I do declare he's wonderful.
Oh, that's right, I'm from South Africa.
Fiddle-Dee-Dee.
(laughing): Well, sounds like everything's
going just the way I want it.
Yeah, so all my money's
tied up in this "jernt."
Can't even afford elocution lessons
to teach me how to pronounce "joint."
I guess I could do it online,
but, uh, what's the "pernt"?
(laughs)
What-What's so funny?
I thought my English was perfect, but
you make me feel even better about it.
(chuckles) Eh, usually people that
tease me get thrown out on their ass.
But, uh, your sayin' it
made me feel good.
Geez, I sound like one
of those guys in them Rom coms
that play at the theaters
next to the theater I'm in. Heh.
So, uh, what's a "princessess"
like you, uh, do all day, huh?
A lot of spinning wheels and
witches treating you like crap?
I read. Are you familiar with the
books by my countryman Chinua Achebe,
Things Fall Apart
and No Longer At Ease?
Hey, you guys got real
optimistic literature there.
(giggles)
Fair comment.
(yawns)
I haven't eaten all day.
Well, don't eat those eggs! Uh, we don't
know what kind of bird they turn into.
But there's a string cheese or something in
the fridge in the back. Uh, help yourself.
All right, after she eats,
I'd better close up.
(yawns)
Oh. Come on, pal.
(grunts)
Come on.
That's really stuck there good.
Ah, I can't be mad
at her no more.
Good night, moon.
Good night, broom.
Good night, jukebox
that won't play a tune.
Good night, eggs.
Good night, dregs.
Good night, bugs
crawlin' up my legs.
Good night, beer.
Good night, mice.
Good night, princess
who treats me nice.
Yeah.
(yawns)
So my offer for one ton
of your uranium is a goat.
Will you stop
offering me that?
I come from a modern nation
of 90 million people.
Two goats.
You are starting to insult me.
All right,
let's cut to the chase.
My board has given me
permission to go up to 12 goats.
(grumbles)
- How about here, sir?
- Looks good to me.
I'm so sorry I pretended not
to be gay for all those years.
Well, better an old queen
than never a queen at all.
(chuckles)
Pay attention. My last
offer: 20 million goats.
Okay, but no dogs
disguised as goats.
Oh, great,
here comes the haggling.
Well, well, look
who's up. Heh.
Uh, Princess, I'm gonna
do something for you
I've never done for anyone
in this bar. Call you a cab.
No. I want to spend time with you.
I want to see this town.
Do you mind ridin' a cute little scooter
with your arms around my waist?
- I don't.
- To the scooter store.
♪ ♪
And after you eat the soup you can eat
the bowl or you can put "kerns" in it.
What, uh, whatever
you like.
I have a confession to make.
This is my first montage.
Just relax and enjoy the music.
Moe Szyslak. This is the
part of the fairy tale
where the princess goes back
to the hotel and watches TV.
Come with me.
- So where are we headed, dude?
- Just go and go fast.
Okay, um, usually I do kind of a
funny take on an airline pilot
greeting the passengers. You
know, like, "Hey. Thank you
"for flying Air Kevin. If you look out
to the left of the pedicab, you..."
Just move the pedals.
Whoa, sounds like the tower
has cleared us for takeoff.
We're tryin' to escape that guy.
Well, dude, as long as he
can run, he can beat us.
D'oh!
So, anyways, the place that I really
feel the pedaling? It's my legs.
Okay, all right,
we're safe.
Actually, I wanted
to go back with him.
I don't want to get
my father mad, O.
Go back? But I didn't show you the
place where Dave Grohl got mugged.
I have to leave, but I
still had a wonderful day.
MOE: Thank God I shaved
my forehead this morning.
(gasps) A paparazzo.
Please don't send that.
If my father sees it,
it will ruin my life.
Well, thanks
for making it so easy.
And you have
the 20 million goats?
Two, now. 19,999,998
on delivery.
- Very good.
Um, shouldn't we see how the princess
is doing before you sign, Your Majesty?
What are you talking
about, Smithers?
(phone dings)
(gasps) I can't even trust you to watch an
impetuous adult who does what she wants.
The deal is off.
SMITHERS: Wow. After spending
my life serving others,
I'm finally gonna get what I want.
Uh, uh, sir, there may
be a bright side.
There's never a bright side.
SMITHERS (chuckles):
He's almost mine.
Yes, you've torn
that up, all right.
Father, I want to explain.
I was a young woman
who wanted to see the world,
and this kind man
has shown it to me.
And stolen your heart.
Eh, well, that's what I do.
Uh, sorry, but there ain't
no off switch for this.
(laughs)
He has not stolen my heart.
Wha?!
Why has he made the ancient
tribal sound of confusion?
I think he is a sweet,
sweet man.
But when I kissed him on the
forehead, it was not romantic.
More like when
Snow White kissed Dopey.
Oh, no, no, not
this comparison again.
I'm sorry, Moe.
I don't love you.
But I really like you.
Well, daughter, even though you have
done nothing seriously wrong,
first I will tear this
contract one more time.
(grunts)
And as for you,
your punishment will be...
Uh, may I speak to you,
Majesty, father to father?
A woman has allowed you
to sire her children?
There was beer involved.
I have two daughters.
And I've learned you have to
let them go their own way.
Even the one-year-old.
Majesty.
And the older one, I can't
tell her what to do.
- And she's only 12.
- Eight.
See what I mean?
Always an argument.
But the thing you
have to remember is
that you have to let them be who
they are because you love them.
I am not convinced.
Uh, because you
want them to grow.
Still not convinced.
And because you can't
strangle a girl.
That makes sense.
Oh...
Come here, daughter.
Oh, father.
Little girl, let me
give you some advice.
Never dream big, because
it will blow up in your face.
You're talking to the girl
who wants a career in jazz.
Oh, poor thing.
So the good king's cheap uranium will allow
me to sell you expensive nuclear power.
- Everyone wins.
- Yes, yes. Princess.
Can you tell us about
the man you kissed?
MOE:
Uh, yeah, I'll field that.
Uh, yesterday, a local
man "may or may not"
have given a tour to
a certain princess,
who, uh, one assumes, turned
all his thoughts of revenge
to love and then
love to respect.
And yesterday, a certain
princess may or may not
have seen much of your
world with a certain man,
and she certainly
might be eternally grateful.
Oh, this is vague stuff.
Vague stuff!
I did not think this through.
Moe, before I left, I just wanted
to give you these examples
of our most beloved, albeit
depressing, literature.
MOE: Ah, some nice
bedtime readin'.
Fun premise.
I'm laughing already.
Really not
cheerin' me up here,
but, uh, let me offer you the
only literature in this bar...
sure works for me, though.
This coaster.
I will treasure it.
Well, I guess you'll pine forever
for a man who doesn't care,
while I just grow old
here in this bar.
Yeah. Here's to
suffering in silence.
Oh.
Mm. Can't wait to see those
numbers hanging from my rafters.
(sighs) I can't believe it's been
three years since Smithers left.
Man, have I been aging badly.
But I guess I can finally
wash this forehead.
Oh, divine.
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, God, what do you want?
Well, neighbor, now that your streak of rum
luck is at its end, I have a favor to ask.
It involves charity.
I've set up the Virgin Earth
Challenge, a $25 million prize
to eliminate greenhouse gases,
that I was hoping you would add to.
Where are the hounds
when I need them?
They're on a free Virgin Galactic
flight around the world.
Can you go five blasted minutes
without saying the word "virgin"?
That's another Virgin Challenge. That
I will not be Virgin taking. Virgin.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606
Shh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(whirring)
Mmm. Paper jam.
♪ The Simpsons 26x15 ♪
The Princess Guide
Original Air Date on March 1, 2015
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606
Okay, Dad, I'm ready for Take
Your Daughter to Work Day.
How come there's never
a Take Your Son to Work Day?
'Cause boys are already on
track to get all the good jobs.
The Dirty Dozen? All guys.
Twelve Angry Men? Uh, men!
The X-Men? Mostly men.
(Bart and Homer laugh)
Good one, Dad.
Yeah.
Well, despite all that,
today's going to be fun, Dad!
Will there be lots
of other girls there?
Just a few. For some reason, there's been a
lot of infertility at the nuclear plant.
After we show you the wealth
of jobs in the steno pool,
a hearty luncheon of bison
with lake beaver will be served.
GIRLS:
Ew!
And upon leaving, you will each
receive a piece of orangewood
to bite down on
during childbirth.
(chuckles)
Excellent.
(person applauds)
It's getting harder and harder to
maintain my sunny disposition, Smithers.
Oh, you're always my ray of...
Shut up.
- Dad, what does that do?
- I don't know.
- Who's that guy?
- I don't know.
- Where do those pipes lead?
- Not sure.
Is it called the cooling
tower because there's...
- Not my department.
- How many kilowatts are...?
Look, sweetie, would you like to go to
the cafeteria and get some ice cream?
- How many kinds are there?
- 12.
Curse that Elon Musk! Thanks to
that Earth-smooching buttinski,
I'm on the verge of bankruptcy.
All I have left are the
clothes on my back
and the clones in my freezer.
43 is missing again.
I had to replace my beloved
hounds with teacup poodles.
It's pathetic. Watch.
Release the hounds.
(barking)
(chuckling):
Aw.
No. Help. Oh, stop.
Oh, spare me.
And all I got from Mr. Musk
was an electric car,
which I charge by stealing power
from my nosy neighbor.
Hey, dippily-do, neighbor-oni!
Stupid Branson.
But I have a new scheme that will undo the
terrible damage done by my other schemes.
I have an appointment
with a Nigerian King
to negotiate a uranium deal that
will put me right back on top.
Huh. Nothing can stop you, sir.
But, uh, not that you're not
at the top of your game.
Uh, what if you
don't get the deal?
I'll just have to sell everything and
move to the South Pacific with you.
What a grim fate
that would be.
And with your omelet, would you like the
fried potatoes or the mixed berries?
I'll have the berries.
Ah.
A terrible fate
indeed, sir.
Oh, no. My almond milk
leaked all over everything.
Dad, do you have anything
I can eat?
Hmm?
Oh, uh, I will turn this corn
chip into a wonderful meal,
using my greatest skill...
lunchroom trading!
Shut your eyes.
("The Thieving Magpie"
by Rossini plays)
- Pretty impressive, Homer.
- But what about the presentation?
The eyes taste first,
then lips, then palette.
Then the body's
harshest critic... the colon.
(Rossini's
"Thieving Magpie" plays)
Okay, sweetie,
open those baby blacks.
(gasps)
Wow, Dad.
(giggles)
Thank you. Ooh.
Welcome, Your Majesty.
Mr. Burns, I don't know
what you have heard,
but I do not eat monkey brains
from a skull.
Oh, this is for me.
Before we begin,
I have a favor to ask.
(sucking
through straw)
My daughter is
traveling with me.
Hello.
She is my true treasure. During
our complicated negotiations,
I need someone to look after
her, keep her out of trouble.
Hmm.
That man is the perfect choice.
What?! Sir, that's
Homer Simpson.
You forgot that
he's the most incompetent...
(both laughing)
Homer Simpson
would be perfect.
Simpson, all you have
to do is babysit the princess...
keeping her in this hotel
room during the negotiations.
Babysitting, eh?
What do I know about kids?
Homer Simpson, I give you
Princess Kemi of Nigeria!
Watch that girl
like a hawk.
(screams)
Princess, why'd you put on
that coat?
You're obviously cold. May I
escort you to the radiator?
No. I want to go out.
I'm 25 years old.
(phone ringing)
Uh, just a second. Hey, Marge.
Yeah, I'm working late.
Yup, special project.
Lenny said you were babysitting,
and if you are babysitting,
why can't you do some at home?
I could use a night out.
Sorry, Marge, but I am
the royal babysitter.
If I start watching commoners, the
tongues of the court will be awag.
Really? Awag? Really?
Well, if you think that...
(beeps off) I want to go
out and see the America
whose greatest cities I've
only seen destroyed in movies.
I see. You want excitement.
Princess, have you ever heard of
Studio 54, CBGBs, the Roxbury?
- Yes! I've dreamed of...
- All gone.
But in their place, we have
500 channels of television.
All awesome.
Sit down, and I'll show you.
So, all these concubines belong
to this one tyrant?
He's called "The Bachelor."
Please let me go out.
All right, Princess. I'll take you to a
place that's fun with a capital "F."
(grunting)
Moe, this is Kemi.
She's an honest-to-God princess.
Ah, really?
Hey, tell me something.
I heard that Queen Elizabeth in
person is actually not that funny.
I am from Africa.
Wow, Africa. I had a good friend
who really wanted to go there.
So, uh, you speak
English there?
I speak five languages.
(sputters)
Nobody does.
(speaking Portuguese)
(speaking French)
(speaking Spanish)
(speaking Japanese)
- Uh, which means what?
- "I don't wish to show off."
Yeah, that's pretty good there, uh, but
don't expect me to bow and scrape.
Uh, well,
I'll give you one scrape.
Yeah, that's it, Majesty.
Notice I didn't say "Your."
(laughs)
Oh, they don't make them
like you in Nigeria.
Nigeria? Homer, can I
speak to you in private?
(grunting)
- Can I try it?
- Ah, you got to be mad at something.
Well, I'm mad
I'm not doing it.
Okay, I'll tell you
why I'm mad.
A few months back, I got an unsolicited
e-mail from an actual Nigerian prince.
♪ ♪
The prince needed to transfer
$40 million out of the country.
He offered to split that with me if I paid
the five grand for the transfer fees.
HOMER: And you gave it to him?
MOE: Yeah, I did.
I was sure the guy was on the level
because of his bad spelling and grammar.
Now, guess how much
of the $20 million I saw?
- $8 million?
- Ze-ro.
Get out of here!
If Kemi there is a
Nigerian princess,
her brother just might be the
Nigerian prince that took my money!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Listen,
Moe, I'm Kemi's guardian.
She and I are going back
to the hotel now!
(gasps) She's gone!
And she trashed my bar!
Oh, no, wait. She actually cleaned
up a little bit. Yeah, good for her.
(panting): Chief, thank God!
I was drinking at Moe's, and
I lost an African princess!
Lost African princess, eh?
Well, lucky for you, she just happens
to be in the back of my cruiser.
Yes! The prayer I forgot
to say has been answered.
What the...?
You're going straight
to the drunk tank, rummy.
"African princess."
(distant gunshots)
Chief, I just saw someone
robbin' the Kwik-E-Mart!
Oh, now African princesses are
robbing the Kwik-E-Mart, huh?
Get in the car, booze bag.
Chief, I have been
shot in the shoulder!
In the car!
What is this, St. Patrick's Day?
Why, this is terrible. Can't even think
of anything to mumble to myself.
That's how upset I am here.
Hello. First of all,
I wanted to pay.
Also... maybe... I wanted
to talk more to you?
Really?
Okay there, Moe,
you got to get to the brother,
because he knows what
my PIN number is, and I forgot.
Yeah, duly noted.
Uh, so, Your Tootsieness,
tell me about your family.
Got any aunts, uncles,
cousins, sisters... brothers?
I have a brother.
Yes. One.
I see.
Now, Moe, don't jump to conclusions.
A lot of people have brothers.
- Does he have a computer?
- Yes.
MOE:
It's him!
HOMER: Guys, thanks for bailing me
out, but I still have a huge problem.
Well, till we find her, maybe we could
get somebody to pretend to be her.
You know, get a nice wig
and a dress.
Oh, no, I am not dressing up
like an African princess.
I am not! I am not! I am not!
Thank you for listening
to my objections.
Well, you were
really vehement.
(phone ringing)
Uh, hello, Simpson. Just checking up.
May I speak with the princess?
Um, yeah, sure. Uh...
(high-pitched Southern accent):
Hello, this is the princess.
I'm with Homer Simpson, and
I do declare he's wonderful.
Oh, that's right, I'm from South Africa.
Fiddle-Dee-Dee.
(laughing): Well, sounds like everything's
going just the way I want it.
Yeah, so all my money's
tied up in this "jernt."
Can't even afford elocution lessons
to teach me how to pronounce "joint."
I guess I could do it online,
but, uh, what's the "pernt"?
(laughs)
What-What's so funny?
I thought my English was perfect, but
you make me feel even better about it.
(chuckles) Eh, usually people that
tease me get thrown out on their ass.
But, uh, your sayin' it
made me feel good.
Geez, I sound like one
of those guys in them Rom coms
that play at the theaters
next to the theater I'm in. Heh.
So, uh, what's a "princessess"
like you, uh, do all day, huh?
A lot of spinning wheels and
witches treating you like crap?
I read. Are you familiar with the
books by my countryman Chinua Achebe,
Things Fall Apart
and No Longer At Ease?
Hey, you guys got real
optimistic literature there.
(giggles)
Fair comment.
(yawns)
I haven't eaten all day.
Well, don't eat those eggs! Uh, we don't
know what kind of bird they turn into.
But there's a string cheese or something in
the fridge in the back. Uh, help yourself.
All right, after she eats,
I'd better close up.
(yawns)
Oh. Come on, pal.
(grunts)
Come on.
That's really stuck there good.
Ah, I can't be mad
at her no more.
Good night, moon.
Good night, broom.
Good night, jukebox
that won't play a tune.
Good night, eggs.
Good night, dregs.
Good night, bugs
crawlin' up my legs.
Good night, beer.
Good night, mice.
Good night, princess
who treats me nice.
Yeah.
(yawns)
So my offer for one ton
of your uranium is a goat.
Will you stop
offering me that?
I come from a modern nation
of 90 million people.
Two goats.
You are starting to insult me.
All right,
let's cut to the chase.
My board has given me
permission to go up to 12 goats.
(grumbles)
- How about here, sir?
- Looks good to me.
I'm so sorry I pretended not
to be gay for all those years.
Well, better an old queen
than never a queen at all.
(chuckles)
Pay attention. My last
offer: 20 million goats.
Okay, but no dogs
disguised as goats.
Oh, great,
here comes the haggling.
Well, well, look
who's up. Heh.
Uh, Princess, I'm gonna
do something for you
I've never done for anyone
in this bar. Call you a cab.
No. I want to spend time with you.
I want to see this town.
Do you mind ridin' a cute little scooter
with your arms around my waist?
- I don't.
- To the scooter store.
♪ ♪
And after you eat the soup you can eat
the bowl or you can put "kerns" in it.
What, uh, whatever
you like.
I have a confession to make.
This is my first montage.
Just relax and enjoy the music.
Moe Szyslak. This is the
part of the fairy tale
where the princess goes back
to the hotel and watches TV.
Come with me.
- So where are we headed, dude?
- Just go and go fast.
Okay, um, usually I do kind of a
funny take on an airline pilot
greeting the passengers. You
know, like, "Hey. Thank you
"for flying Air Kevin. If you look out
to the left of the pedicab, you..."
Just move the pedals.
Whoa, sounds like the tower
has cleared us for takeoff.
We're tryin' to escape that guy.
Well, dude, as long as he
can run, he can beat us.
D'oh!
So, anyways, the place that I really
feel the pedaling? It's my legs.
Okay, all right,
we're safe.
Actually, I wanted
to go back with him.
I don't want to get
my father mad, O.
Go back? But I didn't show you the
place where Dave Grohl got mugged.
I have to leave, but I
still had a wonderful day.
MOE: Thank God I shaved
my forehead this morning.
(gasps) A paparazzo.
Please don't send that.
If my father sees it,
it will ruin my life.
Well, thanks
for making it so easy.
And you have
the 20 million goats?
Two, now. 19,999,998
on delivery.
- Very good.
Um, shouldn't we see how the princess
is doing before you sign, Your Majesty?
What are you talking
about, Smithers?
(phone dings)
(gasps) I can't even trust you to watch an
impetuous adult who does what she wants.
The deal is off.
SMITHERS: Wow. After spending
my life serving others,
I'm finally gonna get what I want.
Uh, uh, sir, there may
be a bright side.
There's never a bright side.
SMITHERS (chuckles):
He's almost mine.
Yes, you've torn
that up, all right.
Father, I want to explain.
I was a young woman
who wanted to see the world,
and this kind man
has shown it to me.
And stolen your heart.
Eh, well, that's what I do.
Uh, sorry, but there ain't
no off switch for this.
(laughs)
He has not stolen my heart.
Wha?!
Why has he made the ancient
tribal sound of confusion?
I think he is a sweet,
sweet man.
But when I kissed him on the
forehead, it was not romantic.
More like when
Snow White kissed Dopey.
Oh, no, no, not
this comparison again.
I'm sorry, Moe.
I don't love you.
But I really like you.
Well, daughter, even though you have
done nothing seriously wrong,
first I will tear this
contract one more time.
(grunts)
And as for you,
your punishment will be...
Uh, may I speak to you,
Majesty, father to father?
A woman has allowed you
to sire her children?
There was beer involved.
I have two daughters.
And I've learned you have to
let them go their own way.
Even the one-year-old.
Majesty.
And the older one, I can't
tell her what to do.
- And she's only 12.
- Eight.
See what I mean?
Always an argument.
But the thing you
have to remember is
that you have to let them be who
they are because you love them.
I am not convinced.
Uh, because you
want them to grow.
Still not convinced.
And because you can't
strangle a girl.
That makes sense.
Oh...
Come here, daughter.
Oh, father.
Little girl, let me
give you some advice.
Never dream big, because
it will blow up in your face.
You're talking to the girl
who wants a career in jazz.
Oh, poor thing.
So the good king's cheap uranium will allow
me to sell you expensive nuclear power.
- Everyone wins.
- Yes, yes. Princess.
Can you tell us about
the man you kissed?
MOE:
Uh, yeah, I'll field that.
Uh, yesterday, a local
man "may or may not"
have given a tour to
a certain princess,
who, uh, one assumes, turned
all his thoughts of revenge
to love and then
love to respect.
And yesterday, a certain
princess may or may not
have seen much of your
world with a certain man,
and she certainly
might be eternally grateful.
Oh, this is vague stuff.
Vague stuff!
I did not think this through.
Moe, before I left, I just wanted
to give you these examples
of our most beloved, albeit
depressing, literature.
MOE: Ah, some nice
bedtime readin'.
Fun premise.
I'm laughing already.
Really not
cheerin' me up here,
but, uh, let me offer you the
only literature in this bar...
sure works for me, though.
This coaster.
I will treasure it.
Well, I guess you'll pine forever
for a man who doesn't care,
while I just grow old
here in this bar.
Yeah. Here's to
suffering in silence.
Oh.
Mm. Can't wait to see those
numbers hanging from my rafters.
(sighs) I can't believe it's been
three years since Smithers left.
Man, have I been aging badly.
But I guess I can finally
wash this forehead.
Oh, divine.
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, God, what do you want?
Well, neighbor, now that your streak of rum
luck is at its end, I have a favor to ask.
It involves charity.
I've set up the Virgin Earth
Challenge, a $25 million prize
to eliminate greenhouse gases,
that I was hoping you would add to.
Where are the hounds
when I need them?
They're on a free Virgin Galactic
flight around the world.
Can you go five blasted minutes
without saying the word "virgin"?
That's another Virgin Challenge. That
I will not be Virgin taking. Virgin.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606
Shh!