The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 26, Episode 16 - Sky Police - full transcript

(snoring)

Chief, there's a sniper down
in the warehouse district!

Let's roll!
Sniper?

Ah, um, well, you know
how I love to roll,

but, uh, my wife ordered a new
dust ruffle for our bedroom,

and, uh, she had it shipped
to the station.

If I'm not here to sign for it,
they'll take it back

to the package place,
and that is a whole nightmare.

Love you guys.

(sighs)

♪ The Simpsons 26x16 ♪
Sky Police
Original Air Date on March 8, 2015



== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606

(grunts)

(sighs)

Uh, yeah, I got a delivery
here for, uh, Clancy Wiggins.

"Wiggins"?
N-N-No, it's Wiggum.

Wiggins? That's not
even a real name.

What's a Wiggins? No, really, tell me.
Wh-What is that?

Okay, so you're not
Clancy Wiggins

who ordered this, uh,
Skymaster X5000 Jet Pack.

Jet pack?

Of course I'm Clancy Wiggins,
you idiot!

"Chief Clancy...
Jetpack."

Wow. Well, boys, justice
has a new name... up.

Uh, Chief, it says here you need
to take a 40-hour training course



and get certified
before you can legally...

I'm not the police anymore.
I'm the Sky Police.

(grunts)

Okay, okay.
I think I got it.

No, I got it,
I got it.

WIGGUM (to tune of "Baby Face"):
♪ Sky Police ♪

♪ Chief Clancy Wiggins
is the Sky Police ♪

♪ A floating future cop,
Sky Police ♪

♪ Fly, police ♪

♪ Squash perps on their heads ♪

♪ They won't know
why they're dead ♪

♪ Sky Police ♪

♪ In my jet pack,
I'm flying high above the law ♪

♪ I'm just like Superman ♪

♪ Powered by great big fans ♪

♪ I'll kill you all ♪

♪ I'm Sky Police. ♪

Ugh, why don't you take
that thing off, Chief?

It's starting to smell.

What, so you can steal it
and be Sky Police?

Oh, no. No way.

I'm Brigadier General
Clancy Wiggins.

Apparently a military-issue jet
pack was mistakenly delivered here

while I received this
off-brand dust ruffle.

Um...
oh.

Well, there's only one
floating future cop

who can find that missing jet pack...
the Sky Police.

♪ This is the end
of Sky Police. ♪

(screams)

You were the wind
beneath my ass.

Stupid church. Why would Jesus
want us to waste our weekend

on extra boring, no-recess,
dress-up school?

Exactly. The dude
was a carpenter.

And those guys like to
kick back on Sundays.

(chuckles)

And I mean kick back.

Guys, church is good
for your souls.

And remember, God is
listening to your prayers.

What percentage of prayers
really come true?

Well, not all of them.

Like, um, 90%?

God doesn't hear my prayers.
If he did,

I'd be at home on the couch
playing video games in a diaper.

Oh, God gets your prayers,

but he just clicks delete
without reading them,

like e-mail updates
from LinkedIn.

I hope no one was hurt.

So no church?

(gasps)
My prayers were answered.

(sighs)
Boom.

Don't worry, Reverend,
according to your policy,

your church is covered for
everything but acts of God.

But we believe everything that
happens everywhere is an act of God.

My jiminy,
you're right!

We're off the hook!
Hey!

Those Cornell men at the head office are
gonna be doing the Saluki Strut tonight!

Go Southern Illinois!

ALL:
Saluki Strut!

So we have no money
to repair the church.

And developers are itching
to build on our land.

Fast-casual dining downstairs,

live-work lofts upstairs,
and as an anchor store...

a chain pharmacy.

(gasping)

Why, it's a mixed-use nightmare!

This building is the
heart of our community.

We have our weddings
here, our funerals.

Our fun runs begin
and end here.

I will not rest
until it is rebuilt.

I can't believe it, but the church is
going to have to ask people for money.

Who keeps putting
pickle slices in here?

I think I can help you get
the money that you need.

But you don't go
to our church.

Granted, I do not
share your faith,

but the yahoos in this town
need a church

to deliver weekly reminders
not to steal... from me.

And not to take
a life... my life.

Yar, without organized religion,
I've lost me moral compass.

Also I've, uh, I've
been addicted to Oxy

for a while
now... yar.

Yar.

Now, this is what
I have got in mind.

I will whisper
even though we are alone.

All right, people, Marge
has brought this heathen

to aid us in our time of need.

Please do not call me a heathen.
It offends Hanuman,

the monkey-headed lord of winds,

who believed the sun
to be a ripe mango...

Okay, I get it,
I get why you say it.

Apu thinks we can get the money
at the casino playing blackjack.

(gasping)

The casino?!

Blackjack's
for suckers.

My brother? He used to own
three Arby's franchises.

Lost 'em all at the tables and gave
himself a shotgun tonsillectomy.

But you told me Uncle
Stevie moved to Okinawa.

What I told you was
to wait in the car.

No, no, you can beat the house.
By counting cards.

I myself have done it...
when I was a student at MIT,

the Mumbai Institute
of Tantric Sex,

where I was recruited
by a card-counting ring.

I won enough money
to buy fake SAT scores

I used to get
into the real MIT,

where I failed every class
and was kicked out

and had to move to Springfield.

Mm-hmm.
Mmm.

Am I hearing this right? Is the church
council truly considering gambling?

You know, Ned, the Bible never
explicitly condemns gambling.

Biblical folks were always
playing games of chance,

like, uh,
drawing lots.

(gasps)

Leviticus drew lots. Joshua
drew lots, Nehemiah.

Even the apostles
were lot-drawers.

(gasps) If gambling's okay, then I'm
getting health insurance for the kids.

Card counting is not gambling.
It is math.

And it's not even
against the rules.

Exactly. If you are caught, you
cannot be charged with any crime.

The worst they will do is beat you with
a phone book or break some fingers.

But what is a little pain
if your church is to be saved?

It is all good.

Counting cards requires
absolute focus.

You must ignore
all casino distractions.

(slot machines ringing
over stereo)

(all coughing)

And beware of
cocktail waitresses

with free drinks and
eyeball-height cleavage.

They're not attractive,
but you cannot look away.

Freshen your drink, hon?

Who had the Scotch and soda?

Cocktails. Cocktails.

Another one, hon?
You, what is the count?!

(stammers)

Get your head
in the game, Mel!

Now remember, for this legal-
but-frowned-upon scheme to work,

we must have complete secrecy.

Do not tell anyone
what you are doing.

Not even Homer?

(sighs) Homer is many things
but not a good accomplice.

If he gets involved and this scheme
fails, what happens to our church?

(dance music plays)

(all groan)

Oh, even I saw that.

I guess I can't tell Homer.

I'm leaving for my fund-raising meeting.
Don't wait up.

Why are you church-Os getting
together so late?

I'm asking because I'm supposed
to care about things.

Well, to raise money, we're...

putting on a revue.

Well, you can't go
wrong with a revue.

Skits and songs?

(chuckles) I'm
entertained already.

Yeah, so, uh...
I'm going out to rehearse...

the revue.

Go. Go make magic. You just go.

(chuckles)

Revue.

APU:
Card counting is simple.

All sit at different tables,
betting low,

playing hand after hand,

counting in your head
how many high cards

are left in the deck.

Ignore all distractions.

(stammering)

When the count is high,
you have a "hot deck,"

and the odds are in your favor.

Then you use a secret signal
to call in "the Closer."

The Closer bets big,
wins bigger,

and the casino never suspects
that it has been the victim

of a morally acceptable
screw job.

But use caution...
there are eyes everywhere.

Sooner or later,
the casino will catch on.

And that is when you must flash
the "get the hell out" signal.

LOVEJOY:
What a haul.

MARGE:
Ooh.

One more night like this, and we'll
be able to fix the church in style.

What a rush... it got
my blood pumping

in a way I thought
only quiet reflection could.

Fizzy water
for everyone.

I think we can do something
a little harder than that.

Mmm!

Now, that's a marshmallow-y
s'more-garita.

Homer, Homer,
we did it.

(mumbling):
Wh-What'd you do?

We're going to
save the church.

I feel like
celebrating.

B-But... but it's not
on the calendar.

Okay, but if I'm sleepy at work
tomorrow, I get to tell everyone why.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

1:00 a.m. loving
and 2:00 a.m. steak?

Night-marriage rules!

(sighs)

I guess nothing gets the heart
pumping like a church revue.

Huh?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah,
the revue.

Oh, I got so
many questions.

What are the
skits about?

Uh, pop culture
and current events.

How do you transition
between scenes?

Hard blackouts or
spotlight fades?

Uh, both.
Nice.

You know, it wouldn't be
a revue without songs.

Tell me about one.

Okay, uh, there's
a song about, um...

how Democrats and Republicans
can't get along.

It's called,
"Cats and Dogs."

(laughing):
Oh.

You got yourself
one hell of a show, Marge.

One hell of a show.

(sighs)

Okay, okay, don't get cocky, you
rapture-waiting baby-baptizers.

You had one good night,
but now the casino is on to you.

They're not going to let you anywhere
near those blackjack tables,

unless you wear these.

MARGE:
Disguises?

I'm worried our scam
is becoming dishonest.

Relax, Marge. If God lets the
Jews have Sunday on a Saturday,

he'll be cool
with this.

Why, I bet the Lord
is pleased as punch

that we're using that dirty casino
money to rebuild his temple.

Our mission is
100% pure.

LOVEJOY:
Where has this been all my life?

(Helen and Mrs. Skinner moan)

I could be Sideshow...
anyone.

I'm telling Mom about how
the school freezer broke,

and they had to cook
all the Tater Tots,

and the teachers took the extra
Tots home in manila envelopes.

I'm telling her!

You never let me tell.

Mom, the freezer broke and...

Cooked all the Tater Tots,
Cooked all the Tater Tots.

and there were too many Tots,
Too many Tots.

and there were manila envelopes,
Manila envelopes.

and the teachers
took them home...

BOTH:
I hate you!

MARGE: Okay, Mel. I'll be
at the casino by 10:00.

Meet me at the lounge
by the J. Geils cover band.

Mom, why are you
going to a casino?

Are you...
a hostess?

Actually, my friends and
I are using a system

to win money to save the church.

I can't believe
you're gambling.

It's not gambling.
It's math.

Is Dad in on this takedown?

It's not a takedown.

And I haven't told him
about it. Yet.

But it's okay
for you guys to know

because you're finally
grown-up enough

to be trusted
with adult information.

Yeah, we are grown-up.

I know how much
to tip a waiter.

I go on hikes with my friends
where we talk about our problems.

I'll tell your dad everything in the
morning when we have the money.

But until then, I appreciate you
keeping this very grown-up secret.

(sighs)

♪ ♪

Dump that money on the bed.
I'm taking a Franklin bath.

(imitates gargles, laughs)

Yeah...

Dear Lord, thank you
for granting us the gift

of rationalization to allow us
to scheme and swindle

so that we might honor you.
Amen.

MARGE: Homie.
Homie, I can finally tell you

how we really got the money.
(chuckles)

Homie?

(phone rings)

Uh, Marge?
Some casino guys have me,

and they want the money
you took from them or else.

(gasps)

This is all my fault.

Just tell me one thing, Marge.

Why did you lose faith
in the revue?

I mean, "Cats and Dogs"
writes itself.

♪ Cats and dogs
on Capitol Hill ♪

♪ They don't get along
and never will ♪

♪ Cats and dogs,
squabbles never ending ♪

♪ Even with so much
legislation pending. ♪

Homie, how did you end up
at the casino?

Well, I was taking a moment to
enjoy my after-dinner night cap...

Dad, Mom trusted
us with a secret.

But she hasn't come home yet, and
we're worried she's in trouble.

(burping):
What?!

BOTH: Mom's counting
cards at the casino!

Oh, if anything
happens to Marge,

(gasps) we'll all
be orphans!

(gasping)

I'm coming for you, baby.

Have you seen this woman? Have you?
Have you seen my wife?

This is your wife?
Do you know where she is?

Uh, we'd like to ask you some
questions in our "beating room."

All right, as long as
it's just questions.

Reverend! Reverend!
They took Homer!

Why are you still
dressed like that?

Um, well...
(chuckles nervously)

HELEN:
Oh, Asphodel...

Your corpse bride
is getting cold.

Uh, one second,
Belladonna.

Helen and I have found that, uh, these
new personas have been quite liberating.

HELEN: Was that a woman's voice?
Send her in.

(throws up)

If we don't give back the
money we won counting cards,

the casino people are
going to hurt Homer.

Okay, uh...
Tiny snafu.

I've already given the money
to the contractor.

Then we'll just have to ask that
contractor to give the money back.

(laughs)

Give the money back?

(laughs)

Hey, Jerry, Th-they want
the money back.

La dama azul quiere
devolver El dinero.

(all laughing)

Are you gonna put
my head in a vice?

We don't do that...
we don't even have a vice.

We just want the money
your wife stole from us.

Stole? How is
counting cards stealing?

Well, it's not really stealing.

Is it even cheating?

No, but it's just not allowed.

I don't get it. Football players
can do the quarterback sneak

and baseball players
can steal bases.

Why can't I just remember
which cards have been played?

I can't take any more of this guy.
Get the vice!

I knew you had a vice.
I knew it.

(grunting):
I knew it.

I... knew it.

I'm sorry, Marge.

Maybe your husband's suffering
was all part of God's plan.

God's plan?

God isn't some video gamer
up there controlling us

like we were Pac-Men
and Dig Dugs.

God isn't Sky Police.

God didn't do this.
I lied to my husband.

And made my kids lie, too.
We did this.

She's right. We thought we
could enter the den of sin

and emerge unscathed,
but we were scathed.

Those free ginger
ales at the casino,

I-I didn't declare
them on my taxes.

(grunts)

I'm going to do what I should
have done in the first place.

Put on a revue?

(grunts)

(groans)

MARGE: Dear Lord, I don't have
anywhere to pray anymore,

so I've come
to your new temple... here.

Um, I don't know if you watch
us all the time,

or if we're just like an ant
farm you got for your birthday

and left on the shelf,
and every once in a while,

you check out what kind
of crazy tunnels we've built.

Maybe we got it all wrong, praying for you
to give us things we selfishly want.

Maybe prayer is just taking
a moment to tell yourself

that there is good
in the universe.

And I'm going to sit here
and focus on that good,

and maybe, just maybe,
I'll get my husband back.

(gasps)

I'm Doug Blattner, COO of the gaming and
resorts division of Stuffers Italian Foods.

My family loves your
microwave lasagnas.

It's not my division, but I'll
tell Bill Kelley you said so.

Your unsanctioned religious
gathering has caused

a marked decrease in
gambling activities.

HPMs are down...
that's hands per minute.

IAMs, GDCs...
they're all down.

I want my
husband back.

Hmm, let me run it
by Jennifer Yang.

Oh, wait, she's
on maternity leave.

Don't worry... I'm sure Chuck
Bennett will sign off on it.

We are going
to release your husband.

See, Marge, someone up in the
sky did hear your prayers.

They sure did...
casino management.

(grunts)

You are free to leave as long as
your faith-based card-counting group

never return to this or any
other river or maritime casino.

No deal!
But we don't need to come back.

We saved the church.

No! An injustice has gone on
here for too long!

I'm not leaving this casino until you
stop punishing people for counting cards.

They're just playing the game
by the rules.

(people cheer)

(shouts)

Homie, after all this, do
you still believe in God?

On a beautiful night
like tonight,

how could I not?

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606

LOU:
Next week on Sky Police...

(chuckles)

♪ ♪

"Sky police"

Shh!