The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 26, Episode 1 - Clown in the Dumps - full transcript
Upset by stinging remarks at a comedy roast Krusty the clown turns for comfort to his father who promptly dies on him but there is little sympathy for him in the cut and thrust world of show biz and, after a dream in which he meets his father in Jewish heaven, he decides to retire and open an animal sanctuary. Fortunately the ever loyal Bart has a way of showing him that his father respected him and loved his jokes whilst Lisa's over-concern for Homer's safety pays off.
(exclaiming)
(school bell ringing)
(barney belches)
(whistle blows)
(yells)
(beeping)
(playing the harp)
(tires screeching)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(electric humming)
(shouting)
D'oh. D'oh. D'oh. D'oh. D'oh.
Family.
Meet me at...
The kitchen cube.
D'oh. D'oh.
D'oh. D'oh. D'oh.
(electric crackling)
(growling voice):
I am simpson.
I am simpson.
I am simpson.
(gurgling)
(distorted)
don't... Don't
have cow, man.
I am simpson.
I am simpson.
Don't... Don't have cow, man.
Don't... Don't have cow, man.
I am simpson.
I am simpson.
(distorted):
Hail the dark lord
of the twin moons.
I am simpson.
I am simpson.
Don't have cow, man.
(gurgling)
(growls) simpson.
Cow, man.
I am simpson.
I am simpson.
(babbling)
(squishing)
(low voice):
Make purchase
of the merchandise.
D'oh.
Don't have
cow, man.
I have... Memories.
(high-pitched tone)
i have.... Memor... Memor...
(grinding, beeping)
(gentle piano playing)
(high-pitched):
Still love you, homar.
(high-pitched, distorted):
We are happy family.
All animals can scream.
(low growling)
make purchase of
the merchandise.
I am simpson. I am simpson.
Don't have cow, man.
D'oh.
Three feet, nine inches.
That should do it.
Don't you know
What kind of animal
we're dealing with?
Okay, enough theory.
Hey, dad.
We made popcorn.
Homer:
Woo-hoo!
Huh? Out of my reach?
(grunts)
must... Make... Effort.
(grunting)
(bones crack)
Yay.
Mr. Simpson,
you earned this.
(quiet grunts)
What's on tv?
Krusty's getting
roasted tonight.
Hey.
(grumbles)
sometimes the language
On these gets a
little b-l-u-e.
What?
Oh.
If you don't let us watch,
we'll just go to a house
Where some more
permissive parents will.
How permissive?
Chief wiggum shows us
crime photos at sleepovers.
So this is what a body
looks like
After it drops
60 stories.
Uh, come on, milhouse,
don't pretend you're asleep.
This is the world we live in.
Yeah.
(crowd laughs over tv)
Hey, krusty, our local deli
just named a sandwich after you.
It's called
"the unfunny comedian."
(crowd laughs)
You will always be
remembered for
Your countless
appearances on
The krusty the clown show
And your one appearance
on to catch a predator.
(crowd laughs)
Hey, i spent a lifetime
making people happy.
Yeah-- plastic surgeons
and divorce lawyers.
I was just about to say that.
Oh, he took my laugh.
Screw it, i'm doing it anyway.
Plastic surgeons
and divorce lawyers.
(man coughs)
What a legend. Krusty
the clown is to comedy
What martin luther king
is to comedy.
(laughter)
We've seen a lot
of top-flight comics tonight,
But that's over,
because it's time
To hear from krusty the clown.
Welcome, krusty.
I grew up watching you.
Oh, uh, sorry.
I threw up watching you.
(laughter, applause)
(grumbles)
Sarah silverman.
I say this with love,
you disrespectful skank.
You've had more... Oh.
Suddenly, i don't
feel like doing this.
(gasps)
Sorry, mini-ha-ha.
Canceling the bit.
Tell the others.
I thought this night would be
fun for me and my friends.
I don't even know these people.
And i guess i don't
have any friends.
My only comfort
is the roast is over
And will only be shown
four times a day
For the rest of all time.
Krusty.
Yeah?
Is your nose red
Because it's embarrassed
to be seen with you?
(laughter)
oh, nobody warned me
This roast would treat me
the same way
As every roast i've seen
and laughed at.
...And the husband says,
"who paid you a nickel?"
And the wife says,
"everybody."
(laughs)
Oh, sorry,
wrong for this audience.
I thought swapper jack's
was something else.
Krusty, sorry
about the roast.
They had no right to say
those hilarious things.
How could they say
i'm past my prime?
Me-- the voice of ovaltine.
Krusty, why don't you
talk to your dad?
He'll cheer you up.
He's a rabbi.
He must've learned something
from that giant star scroll
He's always reading.
Kid, does talking to your dad
make you feel better?
Well, no, but he's not a rabbi.
More of a flabbi.
(snorts, laughs)
Why, you little...
I'll show you who's a flabbi!
(grunting)
(muffled):
No, you're not a flabbi!
Yeah, all muscle.
In minnesota,
i'd be a supermodel.
Okay, i got it.
So, basically, i came here
so you could tell me the truth--
That i'm great.
As the torah says:
Judgment belongs to god.
The torah also says
you can't eat ham,
And i'm the spokesman
for hamco ham.
This is why i only call you
on christmas and easter.
Wait, wait, wait. Please, dad.
Do you even think i'm funny?
I'm not gonna lie
to you, for funny,
I prefer rabbi rudenstein.
He puts the "ha" in hanukah
and the "levity" in leviticus.
As for you, son,
if you want to know
My honest opinion of you,
you've always been... Eh.
Go on.
I've always been
"eh... Ntertaining"?
Dad?
Show me nose fog.
Oh, god, he's dead.
And he never lived
to see me be successful.
(sobbing)
A pusten fas hilcht hecher.
"an empty barrel
reverberates loudly."
And today, my heart
is that barrel.
Even though my father and i
had our difficulties,
(sobs) he was a great man.
And, well, he always...
Wha?
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
(sighs)
Look, i'm an entertainer.
So maybe the best way to say
how i feel about my dad
Is through a song
That someone else wrote
that i hired people to sing.
This is for you, dad.
(to the itchy & scratchy theme):
♪ he fought and fought ♪
♪ and fought for jewish rights ♪
♪ wisdom sought ♪
♪ students taught ♪
♪ rabbi krustofsky's gone. ♪
Yeah, well, it's just...
Well, i thought...
Seriously, it can be really
tough to lose your father.
(crying)
Rudenstein:
Yasher co-ack.
Let us all please rise.
(snoring)
homer, get up.
Huh? Oh, uh...
(grunting)
Oh! Oh!
Ooh!
(panting)
Dad, are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, great. (sighs)
I guess my getting-up
days are over.
(gasps)
(humming a tune)
Dad, you're eating
too much.
I'm worried about
your health.
I don't want
to lose you.
(softly):
Oh, no.
Krusty, i brought some
homemade chicken soup.
We used the play-doh maker
for the matzo.
Uh, thanks, but i don't
really like soup.
But you wear that little spoon
around your neck.
(chuckles)
You really notice
stuff, don't you?
Yes. And i can tell
how hard it was
To lose your father.
But at least you were there
to share his final thoughts.
Eh.
No, no, it's a big thing.
No, that's what he called me.
"eh."
Mm. It could be worse.
Oh, yeah? How?
I don't know, uh...
How about...
(blows raspberry)
That's a lot worse.
Can you stop
comforting me now?
Krusty, condolences
on your loss.
So this is the bob
Whose comedic genius
i can never live up to.
Believe me, all of us
have thought about killing him.
(sighs)
Clowns have it tough,
krusty.
I understand.
I was professor pickles
With ringling brothers
for several years.
The elephant and i
had our differences.
So,
What brings you here?
And don't say clown car.
I'm a sad, tragic clown.
Like what's his
name-- liberace.
Tell me about
your father, huh?
Ah!
Herschel, did you
read your exodus?
Oh, uh, oh, sure.
Really? Then tell me,
what did the burning bush say?
It said "ow! Put me out!
How many talking bushes
do you think there are?!"
(laughs)
My son, you are a
big needy nothing
That only
laughs can fill.
(scoffs)
i don't need laughs.
Ha.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
A big needy nothing.
(sniffles)
Wow. Wow.
Krusty, would you like
a therapy dog?
Yeah. With extra relish!
Hey-hey! I still
got it, huh?
Yes, if by "it"
you mean reflexive denial
Of your inner sadness.
(sadly):
Hey-hey.
Sideshow mel:
Shut up, children.
Boys and girls, you know
That we've been dark
for a couple of days because
Of a tragic loss
in the krustylu family.
Now put your hands together
For the man who's falling apart
before our eyes,
Krusty the clown!
(kids cheering)
(jaunty theme music plays)
No monologue. Roll the cartoon.
(swing creaking)
Oh, my god!
Who made
this monstrosity?
I did everything!
Kids, i'm experiencing
a crisis of conscience.
(canned applause)
No, no, no, no!
I don't deserve the prerecorded
applause of children long gone.
(canned applause)
kid: I like ike!
Therefore,
i'm quitting the show.
And i know mel
will be quitting it with me.
Yes, yes, buy the house.
It'll be...
Uh, what?!
Today is the day
the pity laughter died.
Krusty the clown has retired.
For a brief overview
of a half-century of ha-has,
Here is channel six
tv critic clive meriwether.
Krusty the clown
will perhaps best be remembered
For taking up two spots
in the channel six parking lot.
On a personal level, he used to
call me little lord tingaling.
I shan't miss that.
This man's only lasting legacies
are a law in his name
Limiting the working hours
of chimpanzees to 14 hours a day
And the invention
of the payment of alimony
By dropping hot pennies
from a helicopter.
I give his life a d-plus.
Good day to you.
What will krusty do now?
I suppose only time will tell.
Which is true
for all news stories, i guess.
Until anyone realizes,
I'm kent brockman
adding no useful information.
And here's another sentence.
You can tell i'm winding it up
because my voice is going up
And down like this.
Well, at least now
i have plenty of time
To solve this rubik's cube.
All right, what if i did...
Oh!
(homer snoring unevenly)
(snoring, gasping)
(quietly):
Mom, dad.
Yes, lisa?
(snores)
what?
I've been listening,
and dad stops breathing
For as long as
five minutes.
Mind if i sleep with you guys
and keep an eye on him?
Sweetie, you shouldn't have
to worry about such things.
(gasps, snores,
wheezing)
The doctor gave us this machine
to help him breathe
In his sleep. Go to bed.
I'll take care of him.
No good. No good.
(grunting)
oh! Ooh! Ah!
(gasping)
what do i do?
What do i do?
Oh. Breathe,
homie, breathe.
(grunting)
Well, at least
teeny's doing okay.
He's in the odd couple
with david hyde pierce.
Now, really, oscar, would it
kill you to use a coaster?
(screeching)
If you're going to go up there,
at least dust!
Finally, done the way
i first imagined it.
I'm gonna prove
you did groundbreaking work.
Krusty, i want you
to binge-watch
All the shows you've ever done.
Well, i've never
said no to a binge.
(static crackles)
Deuteronomy?
Isn't that the study of deuters?
Hippocampus?
Isn't that another name for
the university of mississippi?
Okay. I've been
on 50 years.
You're bound
to repeat yourself a little.
Unless i wanted to be sat on
by mama cass.
Unless i wanted to be sat on
by dom deluise.
...By the cast of
what's happening!
...William "the refrigerator"
perry, everyone!
...Newman from seinfeld.
...The whale from whale rider.
...Adele!
(laughs)
What? She's a guest star?!
(sobbing)
(groans)
(static hissing)
So that's why all
my cameramen have ptsd.
Where's my whiskey funnel?!
(german accent):
Young man, you should go.
When the master is like this,
it is no place for children.
Pour, helga!
It begins.
(gulping)
(angelic choir singing)
Whoa. Where am i?
Why, you're in
jewish heaven.
Oh, this place is great.
Why, my necktie
straightens itself.
Even portnoy has no complaints.
And i tell you,
i get so much respect.
Wow. So i made it to heaven.
(klezmer playing)
(crowd cheering)
This place is amazing!
Schmuck,
there's no jewish heaven.
Our faith teaches us
that once you're dead,
That's it, kaput.
It's dark, it's cold.
It's like that apartment
we lived in
Before i started
doing weddings.
But you, my son,
remain...
Eh?!
(groans)
Go back to earth.
Do something with your life.
Help people.
(echoing):
Help people. Help people.
Help people.
Nothing. I'm not
getting a pulse.
(gasps)
I got to change my life!
Still no pulse.
I guess i'm just
really bad at this.
Woman:
♪ someone to watch ♪
♪ over me. ♪
I'm afraid
lisa's getting obsessed
With keeping her father
out of danger.
She's gotten our resusci annie
doll to breathe on its own.
(wheezes)
why?
In this new shelter,
we provide a home
For animals put out of work
by cirque du soleil.
(gorilla growls)
Um, krusty,
Have you fulfilled the promise
you made to your father
In the dream you never
told anyone about?
Uh, no.
Somehow a brief act
of uncharacteristic generosity
Solved nothing.
Hey, krusty.
What?
Have you been
going to temple?
Yeah, and i've learned that all
religions are equally boring.
But there's a reason i went.
Come and see.
Kid, there's no way
you can cheer me up.
Not when whiskey, good
deeds and hookers failed.
Who's a hooker?
Uh, with me, it's easier to say
which ones aren't hookers.
Hmm?
(grunting)
Lisa, what are you doing?
Wrapping you in bubble wrap.
I can't always be around
to protect you, so it will.
But...
(bubble wrap popping)
Oh, lisa, honey,
You can't insulate yourself
from life.
Why, i could live till 100
or a bus could hit me tomorrow.
That's why i never plan
more than four seconds ahead.
Oh, i guess
you're right.
Now come on.
Give daddy a hug.
(grunting, bubble wrap popping)
Bubble wrap!
(bubble wrap popping)
Your daughterly love
saved me, sweetie.
That's all i wanted,
a tiny bit of control.
Ooh. I suppose we should
exchange insurance information.
I don't have any.
Me neither.
Then we have the same company.
They'll work it all out.
(tires screeching)
(quietly):
Rabbi rudenstein.
Your father's favorite.
Today's reading
is from deuteronomy,
Which i believe
is the study of deuters.
(laughter)
Hey, that's my joke.
Eh, must be
a coincidence.
Uh, but before we begin,
I'd like to quote
the burning bush, which said,
"hey, put me out.
How many talking bushes
do you think there are?"
Hey-hey.
(laughter)
Me again.
So if dad loved
his jokes, then...
Dad loved my jokes.
(crying):
Oh...
Yeah, i guess he just
hated your delivery.
He loved my jokes.
My father respected me
but could never tell me.
That's jewish heaven.
♪ heaven ♪
♪ jewish heaven ♪
Rabbi krustofsky:
♪ we're a father and a son
who didn't speak ♪
♪ but up here we found
the happiness we seek ♪
♪ and i can't wait
till you join me next week ♪
You!
(music continues)
Uh, just this once,
You think you could turn
water into a bloody mary?
I'll tell you, you're
all right, you know?
Krusty, let's face it, you might
not be cutting-edge anymore,
But your show still does
really great in that key demo
Of people who died
with the tv on.
(laughter)
whoa.
Of course, krusty's responsible
For itchy & scratchy,
Which is also
what he calls his testicles.
(groans)
D'oh.
Shh!
(school bell ringing)
(barney belches)
(whistle blows)
(yells)
(beeping)
(playing the harp)
(tires screeching)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(electric humming)
(shouting)
D'oh. D'oh. D'oh. D'oh. D'oh.
Family.
Meet me at...
The kitchen cube.
D'oh. D'oh.
D'oh. D'oh. D'oh.
(electric crackling)
(growling voice):
I am simpson.
I am simpson.
I am simpson.
(gurgling)
(distorted)
don't... Don't
have cow, man.
I am simpson.
I am simpson.
Don't... Don't have cow, man.
Don't... Don't have cow, man.
I am simpson.
I am simpson.
(distorted):
Hail the dark lord
of the twin moons.
I am simpson.
I am simpson.
Don't have cow, man.
(gurgling)
(growls) simpson.
Cow, man.
I am simpson.
I am simpson.
(babbling)
(squishing)
(low voice):
Make purchase
of the merchandise.
D'oh.
Don't have
cow, man.
I have... Memories.
(high-pitched tone)
i have.... Memor... Memor...
(grinding, beeping)
(gentle piano playing)
(high-pitched):
Still love you, homar.
(high-pitched, distorted):
We are happy family.
All animals can scream.
(low growling)
make purchase of
the merchandise.
I am simpson. I am simpson.
Don't have cow, man.
D'oh.
Three feet, nine inches.
That should do it.
Don't you know
What kind of animal
we're dealing with?
Okay, enough theory.
Hey, dad.
We made popcorn.
Homer:
Woo-hoo!
Huh? Out of my reach?
(grunts)
must... Make... Effort.
(grunting)
(bones crack)
Yay.
Mr. Simpson,
you earned this.
(quiet grunts)
What's on tv?
Krusty's getting
roasted tonight.
Hey.
(grumbles)
sometimes the language
On these gets a
little b-l-u-e.
What?
Oh.
If you don't let us watch,
we'll just go to a house
Where some more
permissive parents will.
How permissive?
Chief wiggum shows us
crime photos at sleepovers.
So this is what a body
looks like
After it drops
60 stories.
Uh, come on, milhouse,
don't pretend you're asleep.
This is the world we live in.
Yeah.
(crowd laughs over tv)
Hey, krusty, our local deli
just named a sandwich after you.
It's called
"the unfunny comedian."
(crowd laughs)
You will always be
remembered for
Your countless
appearances on
The krusty the clown show
And your one appearance
on to catch a predator.
(crowd laughs)
Hey, i spent a lifetime
making people happy.
Yeah-- plastic surgeons
and divorce lawyers.
I was just about to say that.
Oh, he took my laugh.
Screw it, i'm doing it anyway.
Plastic surgeons
and divorce lawyers.
(man coughs)
What a legend. Krusty
the clown is to comedy
What martin luther king
is to comedy.
(laughter)
We've seen a lot
of top-flight comics tonight,
But that's over,
because it's time
To hear from krusty the clown.
Welcome, krusty.
I grew up watching you.
Oh, uh, sorry.
I threw up watching you.
(laughter, applause)
(grumbles)
Sarah silverman.
I say this with love,
you disrespectful skank.
You've had more... Oh.
Suddenly, i don't
feel like doing this.
(gasps)
Sorry, mini-ha-ha.
Canceling the bit.
Tell the others.
I thought this night would be
fun for me and my friends.
I don't even know these people.
And i guess i don't
have any friends.
My only comfort
is the roast is over
And will only be shown
four times a day
For the rest of all time.
Krusty.
Yeah?
Is your nose red
Because it's embarrassed
to be seen with you?
(laughter)
oh, nobody warned me
This roast would treat me
the same way
As every roast i've seen
and laughed at.
...And the husband says,
"who paid you a nickel?"
And the wife says,
"everybody."
(laughs)
Oh, sorry,
wrong for this audience.
I thought swapper jack's
was something else.
Krusty, sorry
about the roast.
They had no right to say
those hilarious things.
How could they say
i'm past my prime?
Me-- the voice of ovaltine.
Krusty, why don't you
talk to your dad?
He'll cheer you up.
He's a rabbi.
He must've learned something
from that giant star scroll
He's always reading.
Kid, does talking to your dad
make you feel better?
Well, no, but he's not a rabbi.
More of a flabbi.
(snorts, laughs)
Why, you little...
I'll show you who's a flabbi!
(grunting)
(muffled):
No, you're not a flabbi!
Yeah, all muscle.
In minnesota,
i'd be a supermodel.
Okay, i got it.
So, basically, i came here
so you could tell me the truth--
That i'm great.
As the torah says:
Judgment belongs to god.
The torah also says
you can't eat ham,
And i'm the spokesman
for hamco ham.
This is why i only call you
on christmas and easter.
Wait, wait, wait. Please, dad.
Do you even think i'm funny?
I'm not gonna lie
to you, for funny,
I prefer rabbi rudenstein.
He puts the "ha" in hanukah
and the "levity" in leviticus.
As for you, son,
if you want to know
My honest opinion of you,
you've always been... Eh.
Go on.
I've always been
"eh... Ntertaining"?
Dad?
Show me nose fog.
Oh, god, he's dead.
And he never lived
to see me be successful.
(sobbing)
A pusten fas hilcht hecher.
"an empty barrel
reverberates loudly."
And today, my heart
is that barrel.
Even though my father and i
had our difficulties,
(sobs) he was a great man.
And, well, he always...
Wha?
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
(sighs)
Look, i'm an entertainer.
So maybe the best way to say
how i feel about my dad
Is through a song
That someone else wrote
that i hired people to sing.
This is for you, dad.
(to the itchy & scratchy theme):
♪ he fought and fought ♪
♪ and fought for jewish rights ♪
♪ wisdom sought ♪
♪ students taught ♪
♪ rabbi krustofsky's gone. ♪
Yeah, well, it's just...
Well, i thought...
Seriously, it can be really
tough to lose your father.
(crying)
Rudenstein:
Yasher co-ack.
Let us all please rise.
(snoring)
homer, get up.
Huh? Oh, uh...
(grunting)
Oh! Oh!
Ooh!
(panting)
Dad, are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, great. (sighs)
I guess my getting-up
days are over.
(gasps)
(humming a tune)
Dad, you're eating
too much.
I'm worried about
your health.
I don't want
to lose you.
(softly):
Oh, no.
Krusty, i brought some
homemade chicken soup.
We used the play-doh maker
for the matzo.
Uh, thanks, but i don't
really like soup.
But you wear that little spoon
around your neck.
(chuckles)
You really notice
stuff, don't you?
Yes. And i can tell
how hard it was
To lose your father.
But at least you were there
to share his final thoughts.
Eh.
No, no, it's a big thing.
No, that's what he called me.
"eh."
Mm. It could be worse.
Oh, yeah? How?
I don't know, uh...
How about...
(blows raspberry)
That's a lot worse.
Can you stop
comforting me now?
Krusty, condolences
on your loss.
So this is the bob
Whose comedic genius
i can never live up to.
Believe me, all of us
have thought about killing him.
(sighs)
Clowns have it tough,
krusty.
I understand.
I was professor pickles
With ringling brothers
for several years.
The elephant and i
had our differences.
So,
What brings you here?
And don't say clown car.
I'm a sad, tragic clown.
Like what's his
name-- liberace.
Tell me about
your father, huh?
Ah!
Herschel, did you
read your exodus?
Oh, uh, oh, sure.
Really? Then tell me,
what did the burning bush say?
It said "ow! Put me out!
How many talking bushes
do you think there are?!"
(laughs)
My son, you are a
big needy nothing
That only
laughs can fill.
(scoffs)
i don't need laughs.
Ha.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
A big needy nothing.
(sniffles)
Wow. Wow.
Krusty, would you like
a therapy dog?
Yeah. With extra relish!
Hey-hey! I still
got it, huh?
Yes, if by "it"
you mean reflexive denial
Of your inner sadness.
(sadly):
Hey-hey.
Sideshow mel:
Shut up, children.
Boys and girls, you know
That we've been dark
for a couple of days because
Of a tragic loss
in the krustylu family.
Now put your hands together
For the man who's falling apart
before our eyes,
Krusty the clown!
(kids cheering)
(jaunty theme music plays)
No monologue. Roll the cartoon.
(swing creaking)
Oh, my god!
Who made
this monstrosity?
I did everything!
Kids, i'm experiencing
a crisis of conscience.
(canned applause)
No, no, no, no!
I don't deserve the prerecorded
applause of children long gone.
(canned applause)
kid: I like ike!
Therefore,
i'm quitting the show.
And i know mel
will be quitting it with me.
Yes, yes, buy the house.
It'll be...
Uh, what?!
Today is the day
the pity laughter died.
Krusty the clown has retired.
For a brief overview
of a half-century of ha-has,
Here is channel six
tv critic clive meriwether.
Krusty the clown
will perhaps best be remembered
For taking up two spots
in the channel six parking lot.
On a personal level, he used to
call me little lord tingaling.
I shan't miss that.
This man's only lasting legacies
are a law in his name
Limiting the working hours
of chimpanzees to 14 hours a day
And the invention
of the payment of alimony
By dropping hot pennies
from a helicopter.
I give his life a d-plus.
Good day to you.
What will krusty do now?
I suppose only time will tell.
Which is true
for all news stories, i guess.
Until anyone realizes,
I'm kent brockman
adding no useful information.
And here's another sentence.
You can tell i'm winding it up
because my voice is going up
And down like this.
Well, at least now
i have plenty of time
To solve this rubik's cube.
All right, what if i did...
Oh!
(homer snoring unevenly)
(snoring, gasping)
(quietly):
Mom, dad.
Yes, lisa?
(snores)
what?
I've been listening,
and dad stops breathing
For as long as
five minutes.
Mind if i sleep with you guys
and keep an eye on him?
Sweetie, you shouldn't have
to worry about such things.
(gasps, snores,
wheezing)
The doctor gave us this machine
to help him breathe
In his sleep. Go to bed.
I'll take care of him.
No good. No good.
(grunting)
oh! Ooh! Ah!
(gasping)
what do i do?
What do i do?
Oh. Breathe,
homie, breathe.
(grunting)
Well, at least
teeny's doing okay.
He's in the odd couple
with david hyde pierce.
Now, really, oscar, would it
kill you to use a coaster?
(screeching)
If you're going to go up there,
at least dust!
Finally, done the way
i first imagined it.
I'm gonna prove
you did groundbreaking work.
Krusty, i want you
to binge-watch
All the shows you've ever done.
Well, i've never
said no to a binge.
(static crackles)
Deuteronomy?
Isn't that the study of deuters?
Hippocampus?
Isn't that another name for
the university of mississippi?
Okay. I've been
on 50 years.
You're bound
to repeat yourself a little.
Unless i wanted to be sat on
by mama cass.
Unless i wanted to be sat on
by dom deluise.
...By the cast of
what's happening!
...William "the refrigerator"
perry, everyone!
...Newman from seinfeld.
...The whale from whale rider.
...Adele!
(laughs)
What? She's a guest star?!
(sobbing)
(groans)
(static hissing)
So that's why all
my cameramen have ptsd.
Where's my whiskey funnel?!
(german accent):
Young man, you should go.
When the master is like this,
it is no place for children.
Pour, helga!
It begins.
(gulping)
(angelic choir singing)
Whoa. Where am i?
Why, you're in
jewish heaven.
Oh, this place is great.
Why, my necktie
straightens itself.
Even portnoy has no complaints.
And i tell you,
i get so much respect.
Wow. So i made it to heaven.
(klezmer playing)
(crowd cheering)
This place is amazing!
Schmuck,
there's no jewish heaven.
Our faith teaches us
that once you're dead,
That's it, kaput.
It's dark, it's cold.
It's like that apartment
we lived in
Before i started
doing weddings.
But you, my son,
remain...
Eh?!
(groans)
Go back to earth.
Do something with your life.
Help people.
(echoing):
Help people. Help people.
Help people.
Nothing. I'm not
getting a pulse.
(gasps)
I got to change my life!
Still no pulse.
I guess i'm just
really bad at this.
Woman:
♪ someone to watch ♪
♪ over me. ♪
I'm afraid
lisa's getting obsessed
With keeping her father
out of danger.
She's gotten our resusci annie
doll to breathe on its own.
(wheezes)
why?
In this new shelter,
we provide a home
For animals put out of work
by cirque du soleil.
(gorilla growls)
Um, krusty,
Have you fulfilled the promise
you made to your father
In the dream you never
told anyone about?
Uh, no.
Somehow a brief act
of uncharacteristic generosity
Solved nothing.
Hey, krusty.
What?
Have you been
going to temple?
Yeah, and i've learned that all
religions are equally boring.
But there's a reason i went.
Come and see.
Kid, there's no way
you can cheer me up.
Not when whiskey, good
deeds and hookers failed.
Who's a hooker?
Uh, with me, it's easier to say
which ones aren't hookers.
Hmm?
(grunting)
Lisa, what are you doing?
Wrapping you in bubble wrap.
I can't always be around
to protect you, so it will.
But...
(bubble wrap popping)
Oh, lisa, honey,
You can't insulate yourself
from life.
Why, i could live till 100
or a bus could hit me tomorrow.
That's why i never plan
more than four seconds ahead.
Oh, i guess
you're right.
Now come on.
Give daddy a hug.
(grunting, bubble wrap popping)
Bubble wrap!
(bubble wrap popping)
Your daughterly love
saved me, sweetie.
That's all i wanted,
a tiny bit of control.
Ooh. I suppose we should
exchange insurance information.
I don't have any.
Me neither.
Then we have the same company.
They'll work it all out.
(tires screeching)
(quietly):
Rabbi rudenstein.
Your father's favorite.
Today's reading
is from deuteronomy,
Which i believe
is the study of deuters.
(laughter)
Hey, that's my joke.
Eh, must be
a coincidence.
Uh, but before we begin,
I'd like to quote
the burning bush, which said,
"hey, put me out.
How many talking bushes
do you think there are?"
Hey-hey.
(laughter)
Me again.
So if dad loved
his jokes, then...
Dad loved my jokes.
(crying):
Oh...
Yeah, i guess he just
hated your delivery.
He loved my jokes.
My father respected me
but could never tell me.
That's jewish heaven.
♪ heaven ♪
♪ jewish heaven ♪
Rabbi krustofsky:
♪ we're a father and a son
who didn't speak ♪
♪ but up here we found
the happiness we seek ♪
♪ and i can't wait
till you join me next week ♪
You!
(music continues)
Uh, just this once,
You think you could turn
water into a bloody mary?
I'll tell you, you're
all right, you know?
Krusty, let's face it, you might
not be cutting-edge anymore,
But your show still does
really great in that key demo
Of people who died
with the tv on.
(laughter)
whoa.
Of course, krusty's responsible
For itchy & scratchy,
Which is also
what he calls his testicles.
(groans)
D'oh.
Shh!