The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 25, Episode 22 - The Yellow Badge of Cowardge - full transcript
Bart wins the annual "last day of school" race - with a little help from Nelson - and Homer attempts to bring back 4th of July fireworks, which have been canceled due to low budget cuts.
(cheering)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(clamoring)
Okay. Next question.
Yes. Will there be
another Simpsons movie?
♪ The Simpsons 25x22 ♪
The Yellow Badge of Cowardge
Original Air Date on May 1
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
♪ ♪
LISA:
Our Lord, Buddha, says,
"The secret of existence
is to pass beyond fear."
My brother is about
to meet fear...
and as usual...
he won't pass.
Wake up, Lis! It's the
last day of school!
(groans)
Wake up, Maggs!
It's the last day of school!
(singsongy):
Last day of school!
(metal clanging rhythmically)
Last day of school!
Found my summer hobby!
Banging pots together!
Don't worry, Marge.
As a favor to you,
I'm enrolling that precious little
jerk in this fresh air summer camp.
That's a prison road crew.
I did that last summer.
I'm not allowed back.
(humming)
(whirring)
Good-bye forever,
multiplication!
(slurps)
Uh... needs more
numerators.
Ah, "July 4th..."
What the...?
No fireworks?!
Can't this stupid city entertain
me one night a year?!
The city's broke.
The fire department has to raise
money by delivering pizza.
My baby!
Back ribs!
Marge, when you're broke, that's
when you got to keep up appearances.
The Fourth of July is the one day
a year when our city puts on
her high heels and tube top and
leans into America's car window.
(crying):
God bless her.
LISA: The last day of school.
Field Day.
When you learn to balance
an egg on a spoon
and run with your leg tied to someone
who wouldn't talk to you all year.
Hey! Are you coming to the
after-school pool party?
Not now.
(giggles)
Aw... no fair!
He actually has
three legs.
You lay off my son Tripod!
He won fair and square,
just like my twins
Wheel and Barrow.
Now, take you brother
to the face painting.
But don't make yourselves
up to look all freaky.
One, two, three, toss.
(laughs)
The eggs are supposed to be tossed
between students, not at the principal.
Once more and hurl! Aah!
We will do this until
we get it right.
Look, do you want this to be
your last school memory?
(groans)
Pull harder! What is
wrong with you people?!
Hey. I have thumbs, too.
(chiming)
(yells)
I like the Play-Doh
that comes out the back.
See you next June, Macaroni.
(door latch slides shut)
And now the climactic
Race around the School.
Previous winners include Sideshow
Mel, Señora Bumblebee Man
and Olympian Edwin Moses.
I'll bet your biggest hurdle was
leaving your beloved hometown.
All hurdles are the same size.
Man... who is this loser?
I've got a secret, Bart.
- That's good.
- Want to know what it is?
No.
My secret is I've been training for
this race and no one suspects.
Check it out:
I'm wearing a dummy tummy.
I'm gonna win
and it'll change my life!
Wow!
Breaking that tape
cured your asthma.
(deep voice): Marvelous!
Ha-ha-ha!
(guffaws)
(gasps)
(lisping):
Six on Bart Simpson.
BOTH:
Two on us to win.
$20 on Milhouse.
Milhouse?!
(scoffs)
That's a
thousand-to-one odds.
Perhaps I should take
my action to Willie.
(grunts)
I ain't makin' book no more.
I lost the deed
to my shack!
You are late with
the rent, Willie.
I'll have it by Friday, Mr. U.
I swear.
We can handle your action.
(trumpet playing
in the distance)
Betting is now closed.
(panting)
And now, the 79th running
of the Race around the School.
- Gun in the school!
- What the...?
Just, just go.
And they're off!
We've got a pack of
fifth-graders on the rail,
Simp-son holding
down the center
while Database and Cosine are
still testing the wind speed.
As the runners go into the first
turn, Lewis is in the lead!
Followed by Lovejoy's
daughter, Fat Tony's nephew,
- Brockman's little girl...
- (screams)
...and Jailbird's kid!
The Frank Sinatra kid...
well, he's doing it his way!
Rounding out the pack are all
the kids that we never see.
What's this? Milhouse
takes the lead?
The same boy who sprained his shoulder
doing the Pledge of Allegiance?
(panting)
Uh-oh! If Milhouse wins this
race, we're out a fortune.
Don't worry. The race takes a turn
through the trees where no one can see.
When Milhouse gets there,
you know what to do.
Oh, yeah. Totally.
I mean, it's so obvious.
- Just punch him!
- Exactly.
Right in the nnn...
fff... dee...?
There is no wrong answer!
CHALMERS: And Milhouse, the boy
nobody loves, is widening his lead!
And what does he
have to jump over?
Nothing, that's what.
I'm out of here.
(grunting)
Good job, Edwin.
I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
And when I win, I'm
changing my name.
To something cool
like Winnie!
Did you come to give
me a cup of water?
(both grunt)
The best day of my life just turned
into every other day of my life.
LISA:
Bart faced a terrible choice--
take a beating with his friend
or slither off like a coward.
And like he did with every
multiple choice question
he ever saw,
Bart chose "B."
(crowd cheering)
The winner is Bart Simpson!
LISA:
Bart won a blue ribbon.
But was it worth it?
MARGE:
Lisa! Bath time!
LISA:
Mom! I'm narrating!
MARGE:
The water's gonna get cold!
LISA:
Fine.
LISA: As the pin on the back
of the blue ribbon made its way
through Bart's shirt
and into its housing,
the seeds of his comeuppance
flew out of the woods.
Son! What happened to you in the
dark place behind the school?
Something good?
I'm afraid I
don't remember.
Whew.
Well, it looks like Milhouse
has traumatic amnesia.
He may never remember
what happened to him.
The most important thing is, the
race results are now official.
Now I've got to look at some severe
cases of ice cream headache.
(theme from MASH playing)
(Bart groaning)
(gasps)
Help me, Bart!
(screams)
Help me, Bart!
(shouts)
(gasps)
Help me, Bart!
(gasping)
Why am I having nightmares?
I'm no coward.
(screams)
A chicken feather? Why
would you hand this to me?
Oh, you must've figured out
I chickened out during the race.
Well, who are you
to judge me?
I suck? You suck!
LISA: While Bart was being
outwitted by a baby,
something was coming to a
boil in our pop's brainpan.
Marge, if this stupid, one-reactor town
won't put on a fireworks show, I will.
I've mapped it out.
(laughs)
- Hmm?
- (groans)
Maybe we should just light
sparklers in the backyard.
Eh, I've had my problems
with sparklers.
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
Fun! Fun! Fun!
(screams)
LISA: But Fourth of July fireworks
were a different story.
They meant more to my dad
than my Mom could ever know.
It was the one night
of every year
that he couldn't hear
his parents argue.
He figured it was because they loved
the fireworks just as much as he did.
I want to take a class!
Why can't you be happy
ironing my shirts?!
I need space!
Then close your eyes
and go to Hawaii!
LISA: With his mom gone,
Homer needed a hero,
and no one was a bigger hero
than the magical little man
behind the controls.
(fireworks whistling)
- Are you God?
- No, no.
But I shoot rockets
into his a-face.
Here's-a my card. Don't
forget to treasure it.
Hmm.
Now let's see. Which
pants have that card?
Board shorts,
interested shorts.
Here we are.
Kaboom.
Giuseppe, I want you to
come out of retirement
for the greatest fireworks
show of your career.
Why do you come here and
remind me of a time in my life
when I made a-tons of money
doing a-what I love?
If the Expendables movies
have taught us anything,
it's that people do their best work
after they're old and forgotten.
Well, I am younger
than Sylvester Stallone.
I will do it!
- Hey, buddy.
- Bart, my truest friend.
I brought you a cake.
Read it.
That's an odd message.
But who am I to
argue with icing?
Will you watch Cassidy
the Crocodile with me?
- Um, that's kind of a baby show.
- It's all I can handle now.
(sighs)
Henrietta Kitten?
Will you marry me?
Meow, meow, maybe.
Why would a kitten marry a crocodile?
Wouldn't it eat her?
(shushes)
Suspension of disbelief.
Friends help friends
in trouble.
No! Turn it off! It's
too intense for me!
Some guys just can't
handle crocodiles.
Is it over yet?
(chicken clucks)
And if you're dissatisfied
for any reason,
I will refund your money
in the form of acorns.
(groans)
Hey, this gunpowder,
it has a-crystal meth in it.
Crystal meth? Then what the heck did
I sell to them Colombian drug lords?
Brandine! We're feuding
with the Escobars again!
Does that mean I ain't
talking to Maria?
Duh! Yes.
Homer, we will get the
fireworks someplace else.
The pig's been eating
the C-4 blocks again!
(burps)
(dog barks)
We've invited a new athlete to
join our do-gooding dream team.
Please welcome fleet-footed
phenom, Bart Simpson.
(crowd cheering)
Hey, everyone. I sure
got a lot of attention
for winning this year's
Race around the School.
(crowd cheering)
Completely deserved!
Yeah, yeah. Thank you, Mel. But I
am not here to talk about myself.
Milhouse, would you
join me at the podium?
(clamoring)
What's going on? Seriously,
what-what's transpiring?
I've got to set things straight.
During that same race, my friend
Milhouse was in the lead,
when something
horrible happened!
LISA: Bart knew the worst thing
to do was pile lie upon lie.
And that's exactly
what he did.
Rather than try to figure
out what happened,
Milhouse had the
courage to move on.
To me, that's a hero.
(crowd cheering)
Nicely done.
Now we will give out
free rubber bracelets.
Do not wear them to bed. They smell
like truck tires. They're disgusting.
Crotch or forehead?
Uh, forehead for once.
Wha...?
Bart Simpson!
You ran away when I
was getting beat up!
(crowd booing)
- Bart's a coward!
- He lied to us!
Stop the tattoo!
Uh, I could make it
a bag of groceries.
All right, make sure there's
some French bread sticking out.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow!
(crowd rabbling)
Look how he runs now!
LISA: So Bart was
revealed as a coward.
And now it seemed like the
whole world was against him.
(screams)
(panting)
MALE ANNOUNCER: Have you ever
considered a reverse-equity mortgage?
That's what put
me in this dump!
Grampa, everyone's
calling me a coward.
Well, join the club.
Anyone who makes it to old age
has got to be part-coward.
Come on, you were
in World War II.
Do you know how I
survived D-Day?
(retches)
Don't worry-- just a
day at the beach.
I'll be back around 1946!
But don't people
hate cowards?
Sure do. But we
outlive the brave.
Leaving us cowards to make
time with the heroes' widows.
After Korea, I was
drowning in boobies.
Wow, that sounds
pretty sweet.
Well, there is a price.
Do you wake up sweating
in the middle of the night?
- Yes.
- So do I.
But I get back to sleep by
counting the men I let down.
There's Jerry, Izzy, Brooklyn, the
O'Donnell boys, the lost ship PT-108,
the Poor Buggers of Meatloaf
Ridge, the Andrew sisters...
(snoring)
(gasps)
I understand. You
have standards.
(gasps)
This is an angry sleepover.
I'm only doing it 'cause
it was on the books.
LISA While Bart was in hell, Homer was
happily surrounded by fire and brimstone.
Okay, let's make
some fireworks.
Now drive slowly and
a-carefully to my workshop.
It's in-a the
Cobblestone a-District.
Oh, thank God--
a rickety bridge.
Don't worry. We'll be safe in
the Gas a-Lamp a-District.
(tires screeching)
("Stars and Stripes Forever"
playing)
- Can I pitch something?
- Go ahead.
Boom! Biddy bom-bom boom!
Biddy bom bow! Ba-dip-boo!
Boom! Boom!
That's-a nice.
(laughs)
♪ Sometimes when we touch ♪
♪ The honesty's too much... ♪
Wrong holiday, Charlie Brown.
(overlapping chatter)
Yoink. Ha-haw!
We're on it, ma'am!
Okay, coarse gunpowder,
get the ball in there,
don't forget the wadding, tamp, tamp,
tamp, fine gunpowder in the pan,
firing stance, take
careful aim and...
(grunts)
Uh, yeah, not enough
tamping, Chief.
Coarse gunpowder, ball, wadding,
tamp, tamp, tamp, tamp, tamp, tamp,
fine gunpowder in the pan.
Come on...
Aw, my boy's having
a bad night.
We should get this
show on the road.
No, the time is
not yet right.
When they look at their
watches and mutter,
"Hey, when are these
a-jerks going to a-start?"
That's when they're
ready to be enchanted.
Come on, let's go!
I can't stand to see my family
unhappy on America's holiest day.
Actually, July 2 is when
congress declared independence,
the date that-a
should be celebrated.
Hey, Super Mario. Don't you
tell me about America!
- Idiot! I'm-a right!
- No, you're a-wrong!
"July 2" -- I am
quoting John Adams!
Who the hell is that?
(both grunt)
(all screaming)
Oh, dear. The term "target audience"
is taking on a sinister connotation.
Milhouse, this is my chance
to make things right.
What are you up to now?
Get on that bus! I'll explain
during the explosions!
Don't a-panic! We'll be okay as long
as the sequence doesn't a-start.
Hit Bart's dad in the butt!
Roger that.
Did you factor
in the wind?
No.
♪ Sometimes when we touch. ♪
♪ The honesty's too much... ♪
Don't worry, boys! I'll be with
you all the way to Berlin.
(cackles)
(all clamoring)
(coughing)
So, who is our hero?
- I hope it's Carl.
- Nah, no such luck.
I was just Tweeting a picture of
what I thought was my last meal.
Hot dog and French fries!
(all gasping)
Milhouse is our
unlikely savior!
MAN: Quit explaining
everything, let him talk.
Well, it wasn't me.
It was Bart who...
Saw everything you did.
Milhouse is the hero.
Take it from me, the boy
who's lied throughout.
ALL:
Milhouse! Milhouse!
Oh, I get it now.
Thanks, Bart.
LISA: So Milhouse got the
redemption he deserved,
and so, in a
way, did Bart.
ALL:
Coward! Coward! Coward!
LISA: Which meant
that, at long last,
my brother could get
a good night's sleep.
(slow melody playing on piano)
Oh, enough doom and gloom!
(playing upbeat melody)
Look, Maggie, I
undid my deed.
So I'm just gonna take your
feather and say good night.
Oh, where are these
coming from?
Oh, I see. That's
all you wanted.
How's that, kiddo?
(clucking)
HOMER:
♪ Sometimes when we touch ♪
GIUSEPPE: ♪ The honesty,
she's-a too much ♪
BOTH: ♪ And I have to
close my eyes and hide ♪
GIUSEPPE: ♪ I wanna
hold you till I die... ♪
HOMER (laughing):
One more year, tops.
GIUSEPPE: I live-a longer than you.
I take a senior spin class.
Always I'm increasing
the tension.
HOMER: Then, burn on you 'cause
you'll be holding onto a dead guy.
(laughs)
GIUSEPPE:
♪ I wanna hold you ♪
♪ A-till the fear
in me subsides... ♪
HOMER: Believe me, if you're
holding onto a 300-pound dead guy,
fear is not gonna be
your problem.
GIUSEPPE: Congratulations, you
have ruined a beautiful song.
HOMER: It's a song? I thought
we were just riffing.
GIUSEPPE: I apologize to Dan
Hill and all of our viewers.
- HOMER: I don't!
- Shh!
HOMER: Usher, will you stop that
person who's shushing?
Captioning sponsored by 20TH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(clamoring)
Okay. Next question.
Yes. Will there be
another Simpsons movie?
♪ The Simpsons 25x22 ♪
The Yellow Badge of Cowardge
Original Air Date on May 1
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
♪ ♪
LISA:
Our Lord, Buddha, says,
"The secret of existence
is to pass beyond fear."
My brother is about
to meet fear...
and as usual...
he won't pass.
Wake up, Lis! It's the
last day of school!
(groans)
Wake up, Maggs!
It's the last day of school!
(singsongy):
Last day of school!
(metal clanging rhythmically)
Last day of school!
Found my summer hobby!
Banging pots together!
Don't worry, Marge.
As a favor to you,
I'm enrolling that precious little
jerk in this fresh air summer camp.
That's a prison road crew.
I did that last summer.
I'm not allowed back.
(humming)
(whirring)
Good-bye forever,
multiplication!
(slurps)
Uh... needs more
numerators.
Ah, "July 4th..."
What the...?
No fireworks?!
Can't this stupid city entertain
me one night a year?!
The city's broke.
The fire department has to raise
money by delivering pizza.
My baby!
Back ribs!
Marge, when you're broke, that's
when you got to keep up appearances.
The Fourth of July is the one day
a year when our city puts on
her high heels and tube top and
leans into America's car window.
(crying):
God bless her.
LISA: The last day of school.
Field Day.
When you learn to balance
an egg on a spoon
and run with your leg tied to someone
who wouldn't talk to you all year.
Hey! Are you coming to the
after-school pool party?
Not now.
(giggles)
Aw... no fair!
He actually has
three legs.
You lay off my son Tripod!
He won fair and square,
just like my twins
Wheel and Barrow.
Now, take you brother
to the face painting.
But don't make yourselves
up to look all freaky.
One, two, three, toss.
(laughs)
The eggs are supposed to be tossed
between students, not at the principal.
Once more and hurl! Aah!
We will do this until
we get it right.
Look, do you want this to be
your last school memory?
(groans)
Pull harder! What is
wrong with you people?!
Hey. I have thumbs, too.
(chiming)
(yells)
I like the Play-Doh
that comes out the back.
See you next June, Macaroni.
(door latch slides shut)
And now the climactic
Race around the School.
Previous winners include Sideshow
Mel, Señora Bumblebee Man
and Olympian Edwin Moses.
I'll bet your biggest hurdle was
leaving your beloved hometown.
All hurdles are the same size.
Man... who is this loser?
I've got a secret, Bart.
- That's good.
- Want to know what it is?
No.
My secret is I've been training for
this race and no one suspects.
Check it out:
I'm wearing a dummy tummy.
I'm gonna win
and it'll change my life!
Wow!
Breaking that tape
cured your asthma.
(deep voice): Marvelous!
Ha-ha-ha!
(guffaws)
(gasps)
(lisping):
Six on Bart Simpson.
BOTH:
Two on us to win.
$20 on Milhouse.
Milhouse?!
(scoffs)
That's a
thousand-to-one odds.
Perhaps I should take
my action to Willie.
(grunts)
I ain't makin' book no more.
I lost the deed
to my shack!
You are late with
the rent, Willie.
I'll have it by Friday, Mr. U.
I swear.
We can handle your action.
(trumpet playing
in the distance)
Betting is now closed.
(panting)
And now, the 79th running
of the Race around the School.
- Gun in the school!
- What the...?
Just, just go.
And they're off!
We've got a pack of
fifth-graders on the rail,
Simp-son holding
down the center
while Database and Cosine are
still testing the wind speed.
As the runners go into the first
turn, Lewis is in the lead!
Followed by Lovejoy's
daughter, Fat Tony's nephew,
- Brockman's little girl...
- (screams)
...and Jailbird's kid!
The Frank Sinatra kid...
well, he's doing it his way!
Rounding out the pack are all
the kids that we never see.
What's this? Milhouse
takes the lead?
The same boy who sprained his shoulder
doing the Pledge of Allegiance?
(panting)
Uh-oh! If Milhouse wins this
race, we're out a fortune.
Don't worry. The race takes a turn
through the trees where no one can see.
When Milhouse gets there,
you know what to do.
Oh, yeah. Totally.
I mean, it's so obvious.
- Just punch him!
- Exactly.
Right in the nnn...
fff... dee...?
There is no wrong answer!
CHALMERS: And Milhouse, the boy
nobody loves, is widening his lead!
And what does he
have to jump over?
Nothing, that's what.
I'm out of here.
(grunting)
Good job, Edwin.
I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
And when I win, I'm
changing my name.
To something cool
like Winnie!
Did you come to give
me a cup of water?
(both grunt)
The best day of my life just turned
into every other day of my life.
LISA:
Bart faced a terrible choice--
take a beating with his friend
or slither off like a coward.
And like he did with every
multiple choice question
he ever saw,
Bart chose "B."
(crowd cheering)
The winner is Bart Simpson!
LISA:
Bart won a blue ribbon.
But was it worth it?
MARGE:
Lisa! Bath time!
LISA:
Mom! I'm narrating!
MARGE:
The water's gonna get cold!
LISA:
Fine.
LISA: As the pin on the back
of the blue ribbon made its way
through Bart's shirt
and into its housing,
the seeds of his comeuppance
flew out of the woods.
Son! What happened to you in the
dark place behind the school?
Something good?
I'm afraid I
don't remember.
Whew.
Well, it looks like Milhouse
has traumatic amnesia.
He may never remember
what happened to him.
The most important thing is, the
race results are now official.
Now I've got to look at some severe
cases of ice cream headache.
(theme from MASH playing)
(Bart groaning)
(gasps)
Help me, Bart!
(screams)
Help me, Bart!
(shouts)
(gasps)
Help me, Bart!
(gasping)
Why am I having nightmares?
I'm no coward.
(screams)
A chicken feather? Why
would you hand this to me?
Oh, you must've figured out
I chickened out during the race.
Well, who are you
to judge me?
I suck? You suck!
LISA: While Bart was being
outwitted by a baby,
something was coming to a
boil in our pop's brainpan.
Marge, if this stupid, one-reactor town
won't put on a fireworks show, I will.
I've mapped it out.
(laughs)
- Hmm?
- (groans)
Maybe we should just light
sparklers in the backyard.
Eh, I've had my problems
with sparklers.
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
Fun! Fun! Fun!
(screams)
LISA: But Fourth of July fireworks
were a different story.
They meant more to my dad
than my Mom could ever know.
It was the one night
of every year
that he couldn't hear
his parents argue.
He figured it was because they loved
the fireworks just as much as he did.
I want to take a class!
Why can't you be happy
ironing my shirts?!
I need space!
Then close your eyes
and go to Hawaii!
LISA: With his mom gone,
Homer needed a hero,
and no one was a bigger hero
than the magical little man
behind the controls.
(fireworks whistling)
- Are you God?
- No, no.
But I shoot rockets
into his a-face.
Here's-a my card. Don't
forget to treasure it.
Hmm.
Now let's see. Which
pants have that card?
Board shorts,
interested shorts.
Here we are.
Kaboom.
Giuseppe, I want you to
come out of retirement
for the greatest fireworks
show of your career.
Why do you come here and
remind me of a time in my life
when I made a-tons of money
doing a-what I love?
If the Expendables movies
have taught us anything,
it's that people do their best work
after they're old and forgotten.
Well, I am younger
than Sylvester Stallone.
I will do it!
- Hey, buddy.
- Bart, my truest friend.
I brought you a cake.
Read it.
That's an odd message.
But who am I to
argue with icing?
Will you watch Cassidy
the Crocodile with me?
- Um, that's kind of a baby show.
- It's all I can handle now.
(sighs)
Henrietta Kitten?
Will you marry me?
Meow, meow, maybe.
Why would a kitten marry a crocodile?
Wouldn't it eat her?
(shushes)
Suspension of disbelief.
Friends help friends
in trouble.
No! Turn it off! It's
too intense for me!
Some guys just can't
handle crocodiles.
Is it over yet?
(chicken clucks)
And if you're dissatisfied
for any reason,
I will refund your money
in the form of acorns.
(groans)
Hey, this gunpowder,
it has a-crystal meth in it.
Crystal meth? Then what the heck did
I sell to them Colombian drug lords?
Brandine! We're feuding
with the Escobars again!
Does that mean I ain't
talking to Maria?
Duh! Yes.
Homer, we will get the
fireworks someplace else.
The pig's been eating
the C-4 blocks again!
(burps)
(dog barks)
We've invited a new athlete to
join our do-gooding dream team.
Please welcome fleet-footed
phenom, Bart Simpson.
(crowd cheering)
Hey, everyone. I sure
got a lot of attention
for winning this year's
Race around the School.
(crowd cheering)
Completely deserved!
Yeah, yeah. Thank you, Mel. But I
am not here to talk about myself.
Milhouse, would you
join me at the podium?
(clamoring)
What's going on? Seriously,
what-what's transpiring?
I've got to set things straight.
During that same race, my friend
Milhouse was in the lead,
when something
horrible happened!
LISA: Bart knew the worst thing
to do was pile lie upon lie.
And that's exactly
what he did.
Rather than try to figure
out what happened,
Milhouse had the
courage to move on.
To me, that's a hero.
(crowd cheering)
Nicely done.
Now we will give out
free rubber bracelets.
Do not wear them to bed. They smell
like truck tires. They're disgusting.
Crotch or forehead?
Uh, forehead for once.
Wha...?
Bart Simpson!
You ran away when I
was getting beat up!
(crowd booing)
- Bart's a coward!
- He lied to us!
Stop the tattoo!
Uh, I could make it
a bag of groceries.
All right, make sure there's
some French bread sticking out.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow!
(crowd rabbling)
Look how he runs now!
LISA: So Bart was
revealed as a coward.
And now it seemed like the
whole world was against him.
(screams)
(panting)
MALE ANNOUNCER: Have you ever
considered a reverse-equity mortgage?
That's what put
me in this dump!
Grampa, everyone's
calling me a coward.
Well, join the club.
Anyone who makes it to old age
has got to be part-coward.
Come on, you were
in World War II.
Do you know how I
survived D-Day?
(retches)
Don't worry-- just a
day at the beach.
I'll be back around 1946!
But don't people
hate cowards?
Sure do. But we
outlive the brave.
Leaving us cowards to make
time with the heroes' widows.
After Korea, I was
drowning in boobies.
Wow, that sounds
pretty sweet.
Well, there is a price.
Do you wake up sweating
in the middle of the night?
- Yes.
- So do I.
But I get back to sleep by
counting the men I let down.
There's Jerry, Izzy, Brooklyn, the
O'Donnell boys, the lost ship PT-108,
the Poor Buggers of Meatloaf
Ridge, the Andrew sisters...
(snoring)
(gasps)
I understand. You
have standards.
(gasps)
This is an angry sleepover.
I'm only doing it 'cause
it was on the books.
LISA While Bart was in hell, Homer was
happily surrounded by fire and brimstone.
Okay, let's make
some fireworks.
Now drive slowly and
a-carefully to my workshop.
It's in-a the
Cobblestone a-District.
Oh, thank God--
a rickety bridge.
Don't worry. We'll be safe in
the Gas a-Lamp a-District.
(tires screeching)
("Stars and Stripes Forever"
playing)
- Can I pitch something?
- Go ahead.
Boom! Biddy bom-bom boom!
Biddy bom bow! Ba-dip-boo!
Boom! Boom!
That's-a nice.
(laughs)
♪ Sometimes when we touch ♪
♪ The honesty's too much... ♪
Wrong holiday, Charlie Brown.
(overlapping chatter)
Yoink. Ha-haw!
We're on it, ma'am!
Okay, coarse gunpowder,
get the ball in there,
don't forget the wadding, tamp, tamp,
tamp, fine gunpowder in the pan,
firing stance, take
careful aim and...
(grunts)
Uh, yeah, not enough
tamping, Chief.
Coarse gunpowder, ball, wadding,
tamp, tamp, tamp, tamp, tamp, tamp,
fine gunpowder in the pan.
Come on...
Aw, my boy's having
a bad night.
We should get this
show on the road.
No, the time is
not yet right.
When they look at their
watches and mutter,
"Hey, when are these
a-jerks going to a-start?"
That's when they're
ready to be enchanted.
Come on, let's go!
I can't stand to see my family
unhappy on America's holiest day.
Actually, July 2 is when
congress declared independence,
the date that-a
should be celebrated.
Hey, Super Mario. Don't you
tell me about America!
- Idiot! I'm-a right!
- No, you're a-wrong!
"July 2" -- I am
quoting John Adams!
Who the hell is that?
(both grunt)
(all screaming)
Oh, dear. The term "target audience"
is taking on a sinister connotation.
Milhouse, this is my chance
to make things right.
What are you up to now?
Get on that bus! I'll explain
during the explosions!
Don't a-panic! We'll be okay as long
as the sequence doesn't a-start.
Hit Bart's dad in the butt!
Roger that.
Did you factor
in the wind?
No.
♪ Sometimes when we touch. ♪
♪ The honesty's too much... ♪
Don't worry, boys! I'll be with
you all the way to Berlin.
(cackles)
(all clamoring)
(coughing)
So, who is our hero?
- I hope it's Carl.
- Nah, no such luck.
I was just Tweeting a picture of
what I thought was my last meal.
Hot dog and French fries!
(all gasping)
Milhouse is our
unlikely savior!
MAN: Quit explaining
everything, let him talk.
Well, it wasn't me.
It was Bart who...
Saw everything you did.
Milhouse is the hero.
Take it from me, the boy
who's lied throughout.
ALL:
Milhouse! Milhouse!
Oh, I get it now.
Thanks, Bart.
LISA: So Milhouse got the
redemption he deserved,
and so, in a
way, did Bart.
ALL:
Coward! Coward! Coward!
LISA: Which meant
that, at long last,
my brother could get
a good night's sleep.
(slow melody playing on piano)
Oh, enough doom and gloom!
(playing upbeat melody)
Look, Maggie, I
undid my deed.
So I'm just gonna take your
feather and say good night.
Oh, where are these
coming from?
Oh, I see. That's
all you wanted.
How's that, kiddo?
(clucking)
HOMER:
♪ Sometimes when we touch ♪
GIUSEPPE: ♪ The honesty,
she's-a too much ♪
BOTH: ♪ And I have to
close my eyes and hide ♪
GIUSEPPE: ♪ I wanna
hold you till I die... ♪
HOMER (laughing):
One more year, tops.
GIUSEPPE: I live-a longer than you.
I take a senior spin class.
Always I'm increasing
the tension.
HOMER: Then, burn on you 'cause
you'll be holding onto a dead guy.
(laughs)
GIUSEPPE:
♪ I wanna hold you ♪
♪ A-till the fear
in me subsides... ♪
HOMER: Believe me, if you're
holding onto a 300-pound dead guy,
fear is not gonna be
your problem.
GIUSEPPE: Congratulations, you
have ruined a beautiful song.
HOMER: It's a song? I thought
we were just riffing.
GIUSEPPE: I apologize to Dan
Hill and all of our viewers.
- HOMER: I don't!
- Shh!
HOMER: Usher, will you stop that
person who's shushing?
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