The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 9 - Homer Goes to Prep School - full transcript

(exclaiming)

(school bell ringing)

(Barney belches)

(whistle blows)

(yells)

(beeping)

(playing the blues)

(playing the blues)

(tires screeching)

D'oh!

(tires screeching)



(grunts)

(humming)

♪ The Simpsons 24x09 ♪
Homer Goes to Prep School
Original Air Date on January 6, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Learn Zone? Mom, you said
we were going someplace fun.

Yeah, Mom, you promised!

Homer, I told you,
don't call me "Mom."

Sorry, Mrs. Simpson.

(groans)

(laughter)

(excited vocalizing)

(whirring, children cheering)

Ooh!

This isn't a learn zone.



Darn it, it's a fun place!

- Yay!
-(whoops) Yay!

(laughter)

For maximum safety,
all children must wear

anti-kidnapping bracelets.

(laughs)

Is this a kid
you'd pay ransom for?

Dad, what would you do
if you got my ear in the mail?

I don't know.
Feed it to the dog?

You'd have
to wrap cheese around it.

Don't you tell me
how to feed you to the dog!

(laughter)

(snoring)

(whooping and laughter)

Whoa!
(screaming)

Where do they go?

Whoa!

FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to the Mormon Church,

America's most respectable cult.

(whooping and laughing)

Keep an eye on the kids, Homer.

Can I keep an eye on that kid?

He's fabulous.

Bart and Lisa.

Oh! It's always my kids.

Yay!
(laughing)

Where'd they go?

Oh. Hmm.

Almost.

Holy moley.

What the...?!

Oh, it's hopeless!

What's hopeless?

Who the hell are you?

(laughter and cheering)

Dad, come up, come up!
Pretty, pretty please!

Absolutely not!

My adult frame
is simply too large.

- Come on, Dad!
- No! Never!

- Come on, Dad!
- Fine. Here I come.

(grunting)

Crawling.

So... painful.

(grunting)

Duck walk.

Infinitely worse. Ooh!

(grunting)

(panting)

Only wanted...
to be fun.

Shh, shh, shh.

Soon you'll know peace.

(panting)

I made it, kids!

I am king
of Learnington Castle!

(laughing)

- We tricked you.
- Eat Nerf, Homeboy!

Real... mature...!

(grunts)

Yay! (laughing)

Ralphie! Shoes!
(Homer grunting)

Huh? Hmm.

What cool kid thing's in here?

No kids. That's what's cool.

(humming)

I have a phone.
It's very tiny.

Ain't no shame
in being poor, boy.

What's pitiful is
if you is ignorant.

Is these mice pillows here
for the taking?

I hate working here.

At least at Krustyburger,

you could burn yourself
and go home.

(siren blaring)

MALE VOICE:
Unauthorized child departure.

Lockdown mode initiated.

(gasping)

(yelling)

Another stupid kid got out.

I can't tell the manager.

I am the manager. Duh!

We're locked in!

(whirring)

These lasers are nothing more
than colored lights!

Calm down, everyone.
Calm down.

I'm sure they'll have us
out of here soon.

Until then, why don't we bond

by sharing
our childbirth experiences.

The nurses were so great.

My husband held
my hand the whole time.

See? All you need
to get through a crisis

is a little
friendly conversation.

Bet you the dads
are doing the same thing.

(clamoring)

The sneeze guard is broken!

There is no law!

Oh, I just came here
to pick up my daughter.

But now I'm gonna kill you all!

(laughing maniacally)

Don't forget your
jacket, sweetie.

(laughing maniacally)

Get out of there, you!

Never!

(screaming)

Mmm. Butter.

(clamoring)

(humming)

Round and round.

Round and round.

Freedom!

(grunts)

MAN: Let's get out of
here! Come on!

(loud chatter)

(hooting)

Apes. Deep down,
we're all savage apes.

Leave your body, Homer.

What the hell was that?

(barking)

You've been through
a traumatic experience.

Are you sure you want
to go to work today?

Well, I've taken
eight months off.

It's time to get
back on the horse.

(baby cooing)

(chittering)

Ho, ho, ho.
(electrical buzzing)

Ho, ho, ho.

Hey, neighbor, your welcome
mat's looking a little dusty.

Mind if I come over
and sweeten your greetin'.

Sweeten your greetin'!

BOTH:
Sweeten your greetin'.

ALL:
Three Neds are better than one!

(shrieks)

(panting)

(grunting)

I hate to be a nag,
but this is my real head.

(loud grunt)

I guess, despite all
our so-called civilization,

anarchy lurks
around every corner,

like a racially-diverse
street gang

on a network cop show.

My friend, you just experienced
W.R.O.L. firsthand.

Hey, hey, read the sign, pal,
no acronyms.

You see?

And that goes
for the rest of youse, too!

Okay, okay.

Hey, in this bar,
we say "Old Kinderhook!"

What's W.R.O.L.?

It means "Without
the Rule of Law."

Anarchy. The end
of civilization.

Coming soon
to an America near you.

America can't collapse!

We're as powerful
as ancient Rome!

Ah, take a look at this.

NARRATOR:
The modern world--

an inexorable march
of progress.

Sweet.

Or is it?

(screams)

We're slaves to the system.

Close the supermarket,
and we starve.

Cut off the tap,
we drink our cat's blood.

(dramatic music playing)

NARRATOR: Who will survive
in this new world?

The man who is prepared.

(upbeat tune plays)

Oh, my God!

This unsourced, undated video

has convinced me
beyond any doubt!

And I'm the guy you want to know
when the stuff hits the fan.

Hey, man, no need
to almost swear.

Come with me.

Well, Homer's gone.

Let's all go into our suspended
state till he gets back.

Homer, meet
the Springfield Preppers.

Preppies? Oh, I hate you guys!

Always partying on deck
with your Docksiders

while us townies
are scrubbing the bilge!

Not preppies. Preppers.

But I like your hatred.

It's based on nothing.

That's super.

Now, Homer, what would you do
in the case of an E.M.P.?

Electromagnetic pulse.

A burst of radiation

that knocks out every electrical
system in the country.

I'd slash my wrists.

But how,
without my electric knife?!

There is an alternative
to suicide.

Mm. I can't conceive of any.

We can teach you the skills
you need to survive any crisis.

Ooh.

All we ask is

that you keep
your prepping secret.

We won't have room
for all the unprepared.

Don't worry. I'm very good
at keeping secrets.

"Impending doom."

What you reading, Dad?

(screams)

Honey, everything's fine.

There's nothing to worry about.

When grown-ups say that,

it means there is something
to worry about.

Just go play your saxophone.

While you can.

What does that mean?

Secrets? I have no secrets!

Just enjoy this golden time

you will soon cling desperately
to the memory of.

Smell some bread!

When things go south,

the sheeple will clean out
every supermarket in town.

Typical sheeple.

Uh... are you eating my grain?

Maybe.

That was a five-pound bag!

Yeah, but I'll go
home, weigh myself,

and I'll have
gained six pounds.

What's that about?

♪ Prep, prep, prep.

(humming)

Hey, Dad, are we going camping?

I guess an open garage
isn't the best hiding place.

What's up? Going
crazy again?

(scoffs)
I wish.

Son, the best way
to explain this is

to show you
some age-inappropriate movies.

So, what have you
learned so far

from our post-apocalyptic
movie marathon?

Guys who call themselves
Preacher or Deacon are very bad.

Water is money,
unless gasoline is money.

And even though lots of things
are razor-sharp,

no one ever shaves.

Hollywood has
taught you well, my son.

Now let's push play.

Now the Ice Bishop
of Beverly Hills

will teach you
the true meaning of cold!

(laughing maniacally)

I have come from a place
where the land is warm,

and the only ice is made
by machines called...

fridge-ra-torrs.

ALL (chanting): Fridge-ra-torrs!
Fridge-ra-torrs!

Fridge-ra-torrs!

Aren't they just
saying "refrigerator"?

Do not question
the wisdom of Tom Skerritt.

Here it is, Homer.

The Springfield Preppers'
top secret Bug-Out Retreat.

Wow! Your end
of the world

is better than my
during the world.

Homer, we all know
America's collapse

is about three months away.

Six weeks at most.

There's always one alarmist.

Anyway, when
the Four Horsemen ride,

we want you and your collaterals
right here with us.

Aw.

Uh, listen, I've got to know--

you're not just being nice to me

because in a pinch you could
make candles from my fat?

Well, that is a big part of it.

It's okay.
I know what I am.

MARGE:
Hmm?

I can't find
all our cereal crackers,

juice boxes,
the butter brush...

Um... a lot of that stuff
must've got lost in the move.

What move?
We haven't moved.

What's going on?

Oh! I want to tell you, but I
promised to keep it a secret.

You can't have secrets
from your wife!

It's very late in the marriage
to tell me that.

I've hidden all our supplies
behind a fake wall.

I thought the basement
looked cleaner.

See? These are
our bug-out bags.

In here is everything
we need to survive.

Survive what?

The looming kablooey.

It's reassuring to see
you're aware of the future,

but this is all a little...
creepy.

Creepy?!

Marge, the apocalypse is coming.

Maybe not tomorrow, maybe never,
but it's coming.

And soon.

I'm going to bed.

There's no handle on this side!

The one thing
I couldn't prepare for.

Oh, these here
are my snack chips.

Your cheese puffs.
Those are doodles.

I will eat anything orange
except an orange.

(siren blaring, clattering)

And that's
how you deliver a baby calf

with a bathroom plunger. Mm-hmm.

(siren blaring)

(electrical buzzing)

(clippers stop)

An E.M.P.?!

You know what that means!

Hand scissors.

(electrical buzzing)

(gasps)

(gasping)

(all muttering)

(electrical buzzing)

Oh.

(sighs)

(humming)

(electrical buzzing)

♪

(electrical buzzing)

(clamoring)

All electronics in Springfield
have been disabled.

Even the musical greeting cards.

(clamoring)

This is it.
Bug-out time.

Everyone but us is doomed.

I am so jazzed.

(high-pitched giggling)

Mr. Mayor, what's your
administration doing

to ensure there's no panic?

I don't know. What is
your administration doing?

There you have it.

A town without rules,
without leadership,

without television.

This is Kent Brockman,
talking to himself.

Marge, this is it, TEOTWAWKI!

(gasps) "The end of the world
as we know it"?

Uh-huh. Where's
the kids?

Lisa and Maggie are downstairs,

and Bart's in his room
with Milhouse.

Boy, get in the car,

and say good-bye
to your best friend forever.

Bye forever, Milhouse.

See you, Bart.

Mmm.

This is my daughter.

She brings the gift of
music to the new world.

- Is that sax alto or baritone?
- Baritone.

This is gonna be
a long apocalypse.

Ay, caramba!

Ay, caramba indeed.

Dad, how are we supposed
to spend the rest of our lives here?

We're already bored.

Here's something
to pass the endless time.

Write down which celebrities

were rumored to be gay
for future generations.

Yes, sir.

Society will not

have to start from square one.

(groaning)

Homie, I never thought
we'd turn our backs

on our loved ones at the first
hint of trouble.

Marge, when I started prepping
for the end of the world,

everyone laughed at me.

No one was laughing.

You kept it a secret!

Well, just because
I imagined it,

doesn't make it any less true.

And now all those
people are on their own.

How can you call yourself
a Christian?

If Jesus had a gun,
he'd be alive today.

Homer Simpson!

When I fell in love with you,

it was because of your big heart
and your good looks.

But some day, those good looks
are gonna fade.

What?!

Soon we'll be approached

by people who haven't prepared.

Now, do not look at their faces.

That can trigger feelings
and emotions,

which have no place

in Civilization 2.0:
Rise of the Weirdos.

I may have solved that problem.

This rifle scope I modified

makes any human face
look dangerous and threatening.

Boom.

Why do we have
to shoot them at all?

Are you that good with a knife?

No! I want to help the people
who didn't prepare.

Boom. Boom.

- Boom.
- What'd you shoot me for?

You were thinking I'd gone mad
with power, weren't you?!

I wasn't, but I am now.

Boom-boom-
boom-boom-boom.

(snoring)

(muffled horn honking)

(others gasp)

Oh, God, now what?

Every time you wake us up early
in the morning,

it's either church or we have
to change our identities.

Don't be silly, Mary Ellen.

Now we're going
to leave this place.

I'm sorry, Bart.

I know you've made
a bug-out camp girlfriend.

I've got to be honest with you.

It was just a bag of rice
I drew a face on.

White rice or brown?

I never noticed.

Good boy.

So we'll take these supplies

back to Springfield where
they're needed most.

You're a good man,
Homer Simpson.

(alarm blaring)

You said you cut the wires
to the alarm.

Hmm, I cut the wires
to something.

Okay everybody,
keep your eyes peeled

for an unlit mile post marked
"23" or "36" or something.

If we miss it, we're dead.

Dad, there are lights
following us.

How can that be?
I took every last can of gas.

(horses whinnying)

Now, everyone relax and pretend
we're about to be hit

by a soft brick wall.

(screaming)

Out of our way, corn!

The starving people
of Springfield

are desperately in need
of our delivery of canned corn,

corn flakes
and flash frozen corn niblets!

(tires squealing)

I'm proud of you.

Society may have crumbled,
but our decency hasn't.

Now to save these sorry souls
from a life of anarchy,

starvation and having
sex for procreation.

Huh?

Oh, everything's normal.

The world didn't end!

Dad, you said people would be
drinking each other's blood.

You got to watch a VHS
copy of Red Dawn 13 times!

Stop complaining!

What happened
with the E.M.P.?

Only Springfield lost power,

you see, and after a few
days, it came back.

Maybe a little bit brighter.
(mutters)

And the spirit of neighborly
cooperation broke out

as if all the weird,
angry people had left.

Then society didn't crumble?

The zoo animals weren't eaten?

No-- well, a couple.

This non-disaster
is a catastrophe!

Are you really so disappointed
the world didn't end,

just so you could
be proven right?

No, no.

It's just that,
in the new world,

I would have been a big shot.

Well, not for long.

Me and the others were planning

to overthrow you
and seal you in a cave.

Yeah, but what you didn't know

was I was gonna poison
all your drinking water.

Which is why I'm only drinking
my own urine.

(groans)

Guys, can't you see
that even an imperfect society

is better than the savagery
of creating a new one?

I for one am glad we're stuck
with civilization,

and I think we will be
for a long, long time.

I'm hungry.

Look, you can have
potato chips now,

or if you wait ten
minutes, you can have

all the brains you can eat.

I want both.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Shh!