The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 24, Episode 10 - A Test Before Trying - full transcript

(exclaiming)

(school bell ringing)

(Barney belches)

(whistle blows)

(yells)

(beeping)

(playing the blues)

(playing the blues)

(gunfire)

(tires screeching)

(horn honking, Grampa shouts)



D'oh!

(tires screeching)

(grunts)

ANNOUNCER:
In a world,

in a hemisphere,
in a continent, in a country,

in a state, in a city,
in a neighborhood,

in a street, in a house,
in a living room,

five heroes would be called.

♪ The Simpsons 24x10 ♪
A Test Before Trying
Original Air Date on January 13, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

To tackle the most dangerous
quest of their lives.

Let's sit on that couch.

♪

They're in.



And in retrospect,
city officials regret holding

the gang truce negotiations
at Santa's Village.

In other news,
we're about to go live

to Mr. Burns' announcement
of his annual rate hike.

Springfielders are about
to find out how much

their electricity bills
will go up.

I'm being told that Mr. Burns
is approaching the lectern now.

Apparently there are a few
stairs he's struggling to climb.

He's up the stairs but is now
being buffeted by the breeze.

And they've put
some rocks in his pocket and...

we're ready to go.

To decide how much your
electricity bills will rise,

I've assembled a team
of distinguished economists

and placed plausible rate hike
percentages on their backs.

Now we will use unfettered
free market principles

to arrive at a number.

Release the hounds.

(dogs growling, people shouting)

Notice how the
Keynesians climb trees

while the Austrian school
economists hide under rocks.

That is fascinating.

And there you have it,
folks, rates will rise a healthy 17%.

And now, to help you disperse...

Let me guess, you're going
to release the hounds again.

(chuckling):
Oh, don't be silly.

Release the radioactive steam.

(screaming)

Electricity costs
are going up 17%.

(laughing):
This station can't afford that.

We're barely keeping
the lights on as it is.

I know it's a kid's show,
but I got to see you topless.

This isn't your dressing room.

I know, but the
monkey's got a girl

in my dressing room.

The decision to pull
the plug is never easy.

But with electricity so
expensive now...

Do I get a vote?

That's just air
escaping his lungs.

Oh, I guess we'll be peeling
our shrimp by hand this year.

We can keep the shrimp
de-veiner, though, right?

I'm afraid not.

And this goes, too.

Yeah. Good riddance.

When I found out
shrimp cocktails had no alcohol,

I really lost interest.

Children,
we can no longer afford

to use anything electric.

However, we will still be able
to watch today's film,

thanks to the magic
of potato power.

Ha!

NARRATOR: Sometimes Y: the story
of a vowel that goes both ways.

(losing power)

Emergency meeting in the
faculty lounge. BYOB.

Well, class,
I don't mind leaving you,

because one of you is my spy.

You said
you weren't going to tell.

Oh, wait, you didn't.

So no one knows
who the Milhouse is.

The school is broke.

I had to sell
all the trombone mutes.

(wah-wah)

(groans)
Why did I sell one to Nelson?

(wah-wah)

Hmm. Sounds better than
half the kids in the band.

So does a leaf blower.

Look, the district can't afford
to keep every school open,

so all the kids will take
a standardized test.

Whichever school scores the
lowest will be closed forever.

So you're saying, if our kids
don't pass this test,

you're shutting down
Springfield Elementary?

I don't teach to the test.
I teach 'em to dodge balls.

Things they can use in life.

How is that useful?

Ow.

We all came here
to avoid scrutiny.

Who else would
hire a lunch lady

accused of poisoning
her husband?

Never convicted.

They couldn't find the body.

Anyone care for some
chicken-Pete pie?

Did you say "chicken-Pete pie"?

His friends called him Pete.

Good-bye, my electrical friends.

I can't afford to use you,
so I'm doing what any good

American would do:
throw you away.

(gasps)
A Parking meter.

(gasps)
And it still works.

This could come in handy.

Ah, ah, ah, but let me check
that list of things

Marge said never to bring home.

Dogs, cats, octopuses,
octopi, octopuseseseses.

Parking meter,
you're working for me now.

Mannequin heads,
you're working for me now.

Lot of people at the dump today.

The proctors are here.

Their leader seems
to be a woman.

Catalog poses.

("Halloween Main Theme"
by John Carpenter playing)

(sighs) When will they finish
grading those tests?

I hate waiting; that's
why I hate risotto.

Even mushroom risotto?

What do you think?!

So...
(chuckles nervously)

...how'd we do?

Not as bad as the worst school
in the state.

Oh, thank God.

You did worse than the
worst school in the state,

which now makes this school
the worst school in the state.

Why did you say that to us
in the meanest way you could?

To show you
that there's no way out.

- Except...
- Except what?

No, I meant you should
accept your terrible fate.

Oh.

This place is worse

than the elementary
school in prison.

This student filled in
everything but the ovals.

In art school he'd be a genius.

This isn't an art school.

We tried to have ourselves
accredited as one,

but no one here could,
uh, draw the pirate.

Children, Groundskeeper Willie
will direct you

to your new school district.

Any correlation to your talents,
needs, or friends

is completely coincidental.

Sherri, you're going
to West Ogdenville.

Terri, North Haverbrook.

But we've never been separated.

I'm not sure
we can even live apart.

Stop your whinging.

It's not like you're losing
a rake or a backhoe.

Nelson, you're off to
Arkham Elementary School

for the Criminally Insane.

(whistling)

Well, I'm glad
you're not upset.

All my extra credit
points are like

frequent flyer miles
on a bankrupt airline.

Hey, don't blame me.
I didn't even take the test.

You didn't?

Is there no limit
to your disrespect?

Eh, I had
something better to do.

(laughing)

Driving you crazy instead
of pulling off your legs.

I've really matured.

Wait a minute.

If you take the test now,
your score could raise

the average
and save the school.

Proctor Clarkson, one student
still hasn't taken the test.

(gasping) Let it be Martin,
let it be Martin.

It's Bart.

(all groaning)

I have an aunt named Hope.

Perhaps you'd like
to kill her as well.

Bart will take his exam

first thing tomorrow morning.

Bart, I'm begging you
to try and study.

When I think begging, I don't
imagine someone standing up.

Sorry, I can't grant a favor

to someone I don't
respect anymore.

You can spin in my chair!

Whee!

Spinner!
Slow down.

(chuckles)

Well, sure the Lord wouldn't
have placed his meter there

if he didn't want me to park.

This is the easiest money
I've ever made.

Lugging around
a 90-pound parking meter.

It's not that kind.

All right, now to drag
the meter to the next idiot.

Oh, God, my back.

(laughing)

Suckers.

Oh, my disks are grinding.

(laughing)

Easy money.

(grunting)

♪ Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

♪ Turn and face
the strange ch-ch-changes ♪

♪ Don't wanna be a richer man

♪ Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

♪ Turn and face
the strange ch-ch-changes. ♪

(laughing)

Thanks for the
freedom of speech, dorks.

(whistling)

Uh, we're cool, right, boy?

Nothing a few George
Washingtons won't solve.

(grunts)

Now, to sleep
the sleep of the just.

(sighs)

(humming)

Godspeed, old chum.

Pass the test
and your lunch money is yours.

I'm a kid you've never seen,
and I speak for all

the kids you've never seen.

Do it, man, or you'll
never see us again.

Principal Skinner, could you help me
sharpen this pencil?

I guess a little circular
grinding might relax me.

I can't do this.
I'm not ready.

You really didn't study?

Well, I slept on my books,

so I might have gotten
something through osmosis.

So, you know what osmosis is?

Uh, pajamas?

Let me make this crystal
clear to you, Simpson.

If you don't pass this test,

it will destroy the school.

(laughing)

Our entire school riding on
that coffee can head of yours.

We've got to get you
more time to study.

But how?

Pull the fire alarm.

I'd do it,
but everyone's looking at me.

What to do, what to do?

Don't do it, Seymour.

You've never broken
school rules. Ever.

You wimp.

(alarm ringing)

Children, remain calm,
find your disaster buddy,

which is different
from your lab partner

but may be the same
as your lunchroom buddy.

BART:
Well, well, well...

Looks like Mr. Vanilla
just grew some chocolate chips.

Save your analogies for the
analogy portion of the exam.

I bought you time, boy.
Don't blow it.

I won't.

I'm going to ignore everything
else on my schedule.

Pass this test
and the eggs are on me.

They will be, Seymour.
They will be.

(laughing)

I'm king of the bus station.

Meter, meter, quarter cheater?

A rogue parking meter has been
terrorizing the streets.

Experts estimate the cost
to taxpayers at north of $50.

That's right, Kent.

The entire force is on
the lookout for anyone

with an excessive
amount of change.

Our top criminologists
have a theory

as to what the suspect
just might look like.

But, of course,
that question mark could be

an exclamation point
or an interrobang.

And the man or woman
could be Hispanic or,

most frightening,
contain no punctuation at all.

So, how's the studying going?

When I start I'll tell you.

This is the most selfish
thing you've ever done.

You're letting your friends
go hang because you

are lazy and selfish and, hey,
are you falling asleep

just to spite me?

Hey, why aren't
you eating that?

There's four of us
and eight slices.

We don't know how to divide it.

Something Stu forgot
the music he loves.

Mrs. Krabappel?
Are you a teacher of the night?

Ha, I wish I was a hooker.

No one in this town
has any money.

But the worst thing is what's
happened to the school.

No, no!

(all grumbling)

(groans)

What have I done?

Spinach farm, huh?

That's right,
you talk in your sleep.

Lisa, I want to pass that test.

But I need your help.

I have all sorts of problems:

Lack of attention,
I'm afraid of ovals,

I only know 24 letters.

Don't you fall asleep on me.

Excuse me, you're that proctor

that's shutting down
my children's school.

I don't shut anything down.

People cut their own heads,

and I just tip 'em
into the basket.

You've been in public education
a long time, haven't you?

(grunting)

Freeze,
Jack Nickel-scum.

Wha...?

You know what they do
to parking meter thieves in prison?

They probably treat 'em
pretty well.

But when you get out, you're
not eligible for jury duty.

Which, again,
sounds pretty good.

Eat silver, copper.

D'oh!

(tires screeching)

Stay with me, man.

Stay with me.

No, no!

You're the first successful
business I've ever run.

It's hopeless.

I can't make up for ten years
of goofing off in one day.

I need two days.

Look, the thing is,
it's more important to know

how to take a test
than knowing what's on it.

So do the ones you know first.

If you don't know one,
guess "B" and move on.

Now, what is the capital
of Massachusetts?

Uh, "B"?

Very good.

(ticking)

BART:
Okay, this is it. Do or die.

D'oh. Will you stop that?

Burly Paper Towels,
Burlyville, Minnesota.

Dear Sir or Madam:

Your paper towel packets
promised 102 sheets of towels.

But I was blessed
to receive 103.

I'm returning
the extra towel, unused...

(jingling)
Hmm?

A pillow case full of quarters?

Where did you get that money?

And what have you done
with the pillows?

The pillows are safe
at my workstation.

As for the quarters, well,

I'm ashamed to tell
you what I did.

How long have
you been in there?

Well, we're going
to turn this change

into change for the better.

Whoo-hoo!

And I wish that Mr. Teeny
gets a banana,

that the Isotopes emerge
from this season

with a great blooper reel.

I wish that
wishing wells worked

so I wasn't tossing
my money away

and that Marge loves me forever

no matter what
stupid things I do.

(grunts)

(splash)

And I hope Bart passes his
test and saves the school.

Way to get us back
on topic, Marge.

If you have to
guess, guess "B."

Not every question!

The second that boy fails,
we're knocking down this school.

Please have a little faith.

I hear you, Seymour.

Start the upswing!

The least common blood type is
A) B,

B) A, C) AB,

- D) O... d'oh!
- Ten more seconds.

("Halloween Main Theme"
by John Carpenter playing)

And the last
answer, "C."

Is correct.

Congratulations,
you made it by one.

That'll do, bug, that'll do.

("Superman Theme"
by John Williams playing)

He passed.

Stop that ball!

Now your mom can see you
work from her house.

Seymour, stop slouching!

I'm not sure if you gave
my son any extra help,

but if you did, thank you.

Perhaps this was
a test of my humanity.

A test I like
to think I passed.

Would you like to have coffee
or dinner, or just talk?

None of the above.

Testward ho!

(Beethoven's "Symphony No. 6"
playing)

(wind blowing)

(growls)

Is this Wilson Elementary?

- No.
- Sorry.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Shh!