The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 9 - Donnie Fatso - full transcript

D'oh!

♪ The Simpsons 22x09 ♪
Donnie Fatso
Original Air Date on December 12, 2010

I don't even want to smell
sparkling apple juice again.

Aw. Poor baby.

Come on, Bart.

Afraid of a little
apple juice?

Pig in a blanket!
Dad's underwear.

Aunt Selma's leg.

I hate New Year's Eve.

I can't believe I made out

with Ryan Seacrest
on the TV screen.



Let's just
take it easy.

We all made mistakes
on New Year's Eve.

There's only one
upside to today.

Come on,
just one more drink, Marge.

Happy New Year!

Aah!

Everyone shush!

Why are you hungover?

I didn't see you drink
last night.

I didn't.

I got secondhand wasted
from smooching your father.

So not a peep out of anyone
till the Fiesta Bowl.

That's not
for five hours.

I know when the freaking
Fiesta Bowl is!



Sweetie, relax.

Let's just watch some TV.

New Year's Eve might be over

in America, but we're still
rocking hard in Samoa.

And here come the Blue Angels

waking up the shrieking
wah-wah birds.

Well, well, well.

Simpson, you've committed

Springfield's first
crime of the new year.

Write him up, Lou.

Huh? What'd I do?

Failed to separate

your bottles
and newspapers.

50 bucks?!

That used to cover
two public nudities

and a poop in the park.

Aah! That's vandalizing
city property.

Write him up
again, Lou.

What the hell?!
Mild obscenity before 10:00 a.m.

Also illegal.

Come on, Lou.
Give me a break.

Sorry, sir.
I take no pleasure in it.

♪ Da-da-da, dee,
da-da-da, da-hah ♪

Oh, yeah.

Since when is all this
against the law?

Since today.

As of Jan one,
a bunch of new ordinances--

with, uh, outrageous financial
penalties-- took effect.

Oh, I get it.

The government runs out
of money,

so they pass a bunch
of lame-o laws

to sock it to the little guy.

Fine. You're telling
it like it is.

Also a crime now.

And that one's
going to cost you.

That's almost $1,000!

Rounding up your total--
that's a $50 fine.

Wow, Homer.
This year's only 11 hours old,

and it's already
your annus horribilis.

My New Year's resolution
was to learn Latin.

Uh, listen, Homer--
I know a guy who fixes things

for folks who need
things fixed.

But, uh, I can't talk
about it here.

Eh, still not private enough.

Uh, this is private,
but a little dank.

Uh, whoopsie.

Glinda, Madame Morrible,
flying monkeys there,

can you tell me how I can
get back to my bar?

Moe, you've always had the
power to get back to the bar.

Whoa! It's a chimpan-me.

Maybe we should let these
people enjoy their show.

Homer, what you do

is go down to window
nine at the courthouse.

You slip the
guy 100 bucks,

and your record
is as clean as...

Uh, I ain't got nothing,
uh, clean to compare it to.

Ten minutes?

I can't wait that long.

I left an ice cream cone
in my cup holder.

Hold on. I will get help.

Must break glass.

No!

Homer Simpson, you
are under arrest

for attempted bribery
of a public official.

Chief, this is just
a big misunderstanding.

I meant to write "bride."

It's a wedding
present.

Oh, how thoughtful.

Aah! My bribe!

Cuff him, Lou.

Oh, this is supposed to be
the happiest day of my life,

and it's ruined.

Homer Simpson, you
are hereby sentenced

to ten years
in the federal penitentiary.

It's okay. It's okay.

I can be out in 18 months
with good behavior.

We're Simpsons, Dad.

We don't do
good behavior.

Don't tell me I'm not capable
of good behavior!

Your Honor, I would like
to request a sidebar.

Granted.

Ten years.

That is a long time to be
away from your family.

All that time I'll be stuck
in my cell, unable to exercise.

Actually, most convicts
work out like crazy.

I repeat: unable to exercise.

Look, Simpson,
there is one thing

you can do
to get out sooner,

but, uh, it is
extremely dangerous.

Simpson, we are
currently conducting

a 20-year investigation

into the activities of
Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico.

What, this guy?

Oops.

We're going to plant you

in Fat Tony's gang
as an undercover informant.

I can't go undercover
with Fat Tony.

He's met me.

I've been in his house.

I was briefly
his "conserigliary..."

consugly... canoliar...
Robert Duvall.

Everyone knows Fat Tony,
so we're going to plant you

in the prison with a
disguise and a new name.

Can I be Johnny Undercover?

That's a little obvious.

Okay. Melvin Mafia.

No. You will be known

as Nicky "Blue Pants"
Altosaxophony.

Can I keep the name
after I'm done?

No. It belongs to
the government.
Oh.

MAN
No ice cream available!

Children, stay away!

Now, pay attention.

We're going to move
in on Fat Tony

when he takes delivery on a
shipment of Belgian guns.

In your left sideburn
is a fiber-optic camera.

In your right,
a wireless mic.

To zoom in, you go, "Ayyy!"

To zoom out, go, "Ohhh!"

Ayyy. Ohhh! Ayyy. Ohhh!

Fuhgetaboutit!

That activates
the auto-destruct.

Dear Lord, watch over
my sweet Homie

while he's in
the hoosegow.

Keep him safe
from shanks and shivs.

Let him become rich
in the jail yard currencies

of cigarettes and dried fish.

Uh, what's my
name again?

Okay, I'm coming.

I'd like a third
helping, please.

You do know the meat is made
from diseased pigeons.

Just get the ladle
down there deep.

That's where
the beaks are.

Hey, you're that guy
from the FB-- mmph!

Time to go to work.

Stop licking my hand.

There was
barbecue sauce on it.

Here's how it goes down:
I rough up Louie.

Then you stand up to me,
earning his trust.

But I haven't earned his trust
if it's based on a lie.

Enough of your
dime-store morality.

What's a dime store?

I...

Aah!

Blue pants power!

Ow! Hey.

Hey, Nicky Blue,
you're one tough yegg.

If you come out of your
beating in one piece,

you and I should
have a face-to-face.

Beating? What beating?

Oh, that beating.

Don't worry. We're not
going to touch you.

We'll make it sound
like a beating

by tenderizing
these steaks.

Can I have any of the steaks?

No.

That's so mean!

Whoa! I'm impressed over here
with that guy over there.

Please! Let me have it!

Come on!

Give it to me
right in the mouth!

Well, back in my keister you go.

We brought someone
to spring you.

Now, let us escort
you to freedom.

How are you going to do that?

Let's just say this prison

was built
by Mob construction workers.

He's in.

Aw, for-- I was
going to say that!

What's going on?

I called the prison and they
won't tell me where Homer is.

Sorry, Marge,
I can't tell you.

If it makes you feel better, I
can tell you about someone else.

Ooh! How about Krusty
in the drunk tank? Aha.

If, if Jews control the media,

why can't I get on
Jimmy Kimmel, huh? Huh?

So. What do you think
of the sauce?

I detect a distinct
lack of oregano.

I'll take care of this.

You carry oregano with you?

Oregano, basil,
rosemary...

I-I think I got a ketchup
packet for you, boss.

Did you order French fries
and not use it?

Well, they gave me two packets,
but I only needed one.

What other secrets
are you hiding from me?

I-I-I bring my own candy
to the movie theater.

Louie...

My beloved Anna Maria.

I hope Heaven's powder room
is painted that eggshell blue

you could never
achieve on Earth.

Sorry, boss.

No apology necessary.

I am touched.

You and me, Nicky.
We feel.

Legs, Louie, Jimmy the Axe,
Tommy the Face-Shooter--

they never share my grief.

Yeah. Those guys are
probably FBI informants.

You think an informant
could get that close to me?

Oh, yeah.

I got in your gang, and you
barely know who I am.

That is good
counsel indeed.

You have earned my complete,
unquestioning trust.

But first,
one little thing.

You must make your bones.

Wh-What are
we doing here?

I will tell you.

When I call for my Russian
business partner, Yuri Nator,

I don't expect
to be screamed at

like I was some ten-year-old
punk making a prank call.

Yuri Nator?
Yuri Nator!

Hey, my mouth is begging
for a Yuri Nator!

Be careful what
you wish for.

Why, you... I'm going to
chop you into little pieces,

and make you
into a Rubik's cube,

which I will never solve!

Well, I guess
I could tell him

he could improve
his phone etiquette.

Tell him with fire.

Ooh-hoo.

What's the matter, Nicky?

You got a problem
with this job?

Oh, no, no!
I was, uh, just thinking

how cheap this crime
would've been in the 70's,

when gas was 35 cents a gallon.

It was either this,
or put in a ladies' room.

Exquisite.

As a reward, I've planned
a little surprise for you.

This is horrible!
I keep smelling my own breath!

Nicolas Blue Pants,

you have shown
great fazagabool

in the face of overwhelming
spoogatzagatini.

Huh?

You're a made man, my friend.
Welcome!

Ooh...

Nicky, welcome to
the family.

From now on, you don't know
where you end and we begin.

Your problems
are our problems.

My neck is kind of itchy.

Then all of our necks are itchy.

Now that you mention it,
itchy like crazy!
I gotta shave my back.

Aw.

Nicky, my friend,

tonight is a big score I've
been setting up for months.

Just you and me.

Sharing it together.

To heterosexual
male friendship,

the kind the Greeks
wrote about.

Huh?

Here they are!
My Belgian guns.

Belgian guns. I've been waiting
half my life for this moment.

All units, move in!

Tony, you got to get
out of here, now!

What? Why?

Don't ask questions, just go!

What's gotten into you?
You're as nervous as a cat

when Johnny Kick-A-Cat
walks into the room.

Verlaat de vuurwapens

op het dok En wij kunnen
een Chimay bier drinken!

Get a shot of
Tony with the guns.

Um, eh...

Closer.

Ayyy...
Too close.

Ohhh!
Closer.

Ayyy.

Too close.
Ohhh!

Perfect.

Wait a minute.

How could you, Nicky?

I would have
given you everything.

In the strip club
of my heart,

you held the key to
the champagne room.

I loved you, man.

He's dead.

No. You're wrong! Check again!

Fuhgetaboutit.

Homer, I just want to say

that of all the rat bastards
we've had working for us,

you were the snitchiest.

So that's it. You
used me to kill a man,

and all I get is a
handshake and a blanket?

We didn't say you
could use the blanket.

And I'm not gonna
shake your hand.

Poor Tony.
He didn't deserve this.

He was just a soldier
in a war he started.

Homie, I know you had
a terrible experience,

but it's over.

It's not over, Marge.
It'll never be over.

When I shut my eyes, all I see
is Fat Tony and me

having drinks
at that bar on the beach.

You never took me to
that bar on the beach.

Oh. Well, uh...

you wouldn't like it;
it's not very good.

Sounds pretty good.

No, no, I oversold it.

I'd give anything
to bring you back.

Wake up, Homer.

Huh? Wha...?

Fat Tony.

No. I'm his cousin
from San Diego--

Fit Tony.

Wow, I've never seen a mobster
use a track suit for exercising.

And there's no better exercise
than killing and disemboweling

a big, fat snitch.

I understand.

I loved him too.

Your tears seem
in no way crocodilian.

Do what you got to do.

The quicker you
kill me up here,

the quicker he can
kill me down there.

Join me on the
elliptical machines.

I will let you live for...

20 minutes.

I worked for Fat Tony.

And he was the best
boss I ever had.

Well. This is awkward.

What? Oh, uh, Mr. Burns!

Uh, you were cool, too.

Oh, I so believe that.

He took me to a fight that
he fixed, but he never let on,

not even when I bet $500
on the wrong guy.

Then he said he would
dope a horse for me.

Homer, it is time...

to switch your elliptical
machine to cool-down mode.

Are you going to kill me now?
'Cause I'm super ready.

No. Because my cousin
lives on in your memories.

And to extinguish you

would be to whack
what still remains of him.

Wow. The killers
have been kind to me.

While the people who are
supposed to protect me

treated me like dirt!

What kind of
a world is this?

It's pretty screwed-up.

That's why I keep
my friends close.

And your enemies closer?

No, why would I do that?

If they were close,
they would kill me.

Fit Tony took
his cousin's place

running the Springfield mob.

The pressures got to him,
so he started to eat.

Soon, he was known as
"Fit Fat Tony,"

then just "Fat Tony" for short.

And me?

Now I'm just an average schnook
like everyone else,

stuck in this backwater burg

where all you can count on
is your family,

and the only one who ever
shot anyone is the baby.

I have to admit,
it's a pretty good life.

♪ Regrets, I've had a few ♪

♪ But, then again,
too few to mention ♪

♪ I did what I had to do ♪

♪ I saw it through
without exemption ♪

♪ I planned
each chartered course ♪

♪ Each careful step... ♪

Shh!