The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 8 - The Fight Before Christmas - full transcript

♪ The Simpsons 22x08 ♪
The Fight Before Christmas
Original Air Date on December 5, 2010

...Βαρύ!

Aah!

Λάθος γιορτή, χαζό

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho, ho...

Ho, ho, ho!

I could use some help!

Marge, I'm watching a rerun
of an important bowl game.

And that last
touchdown makes it 67 to 13.

Maggie!



Lisa, what
are you doing?

Marking a crime scene.

To celebrate
an ancient pagan ritual,

this tree was cut down

and tarted up like a
dime-a-dance floozy.

Oh...

Next you'll have a problem
with my gingerbread house.

You mean
your gingerbread McMansion.

Hey, show some respect.

Three gingerbread workmen
died making that.

I'm sorry,
but this leg's gonna have to go.

You're gonna be okay.

It's almost over.

Now to take care
of the witnesses.



Hey, I need those
cookies for Santa.

At least someone around here's
got the Christmas spirit.

Yep. Come midnight,
I'll be sitting here

with cold cookies,
warm milk, and hot lead.

What...?
For the last three years,

I've asked that rosy-cheeked
nog-hog for a dirt bike,

and all he brought me
was a zillion lame-o toys

that I immediately broke
and threw in this bag.

But you wanted those toys.

I wanted them
till I got them.

But this year,
I'm gettin' my dirt bike.

Even Mac Davis himself
couldn't save this Christmas.

Great, Mom. Now I lost track
of my pump count.

One pump, two pump...

Bowl full of jelly,
pump lead in his belly...

What?

All aboard the Polar Express!

Direct service
to the North Pole,

with stops
at Candy Cane Corners,

Sugarplum Square,
Jack Frost Junction,

Fa-La-La-La Lane,

Nutcracker Street,
and Hanukkah Heights.

Some "express."

We're flying!

Yep, she'll fly, all right.

You just got to
keep her happy.

♪ Strange days have found us ♪

♪ Strange days
have tracked us down... ♪

Excuse me, Mr. Goblin?

Elf! I'm an elf!

Whatever you say.

Um, look, how do
I get to Santa?

Oh, no. Only the top
elves get to meet Santa.

You start in the
wrapping room.

That'll take
you right down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doin'?

That leads to the
daycare center.

You take the
freight elevator.

Isn't this the busy season?

Where is everybody?

Laid off.

After NAFTA, a lot of these
jobs went to the South Pole.

Well, who needs
wrapping paper, anyway?

Just stick a bow on the toy
and you're ready to go.

Bow, bow, bow, bow,
bing, bang, boom!

Ooh. You are
clearly too smart

to be down here with
these dingle-bells.

I'm promotin' you
to Toy Inspector.

Uh, the rest of youse,
you're laid off.

Scram.

I can't lose
my health insurance.

My lungs are full
of candy cane dust!

Hey, you twos can go work
for the Easter Bunny.

Oh that's right.
He ain't real.

Kid, you got a lot of
shoddy, money-saving ideas.

Like a major airline, but
you were here on time.

Come with me.

So you're the
brown-nosed reindeer

that's jingled all
the way to the top.

Just point me to Santa.

Oh, I know
what you're after.

The toy you never got.

You're out
of your elfin mind.

Oh, really?
Well, let me ask you this.

How many kids bring
a gun to meet Santa?

Okay. You got me.

And I'm gettin' my dirt bike.
And you can't stop me.

Security!

No disrespect, fat man,

but you'd better
crap out a dirt bike.

Close the door, boy.

I can't afford to heat
the whole North Pole!

Listen here, Kringle.

I may have
been naughty this year.

But by today's standards,
naughty's nothing.

I didn't get
anybody pregnant.

I didn't Facebook
a kid to death.

Make with my dirt bike!

Kid, this company's bust.

For years I've been
giving out free toys

and getting
cookies in return.

It's not a sustainable
business model.

Oh, come on, man.

Things aren't that bad.

They're pretty bad.

I'm eating my own reindeer here!

Oh... You win.

That's a good boy.

You go home now,

and maybe there'll
be a nice pair

of work socks
under your tree.

You don't have
to do that.

I have socks.
I'll give you socks!

Thanks, kid.

Now you better
head home.

I'm sure in the 25 years of
Earth time you've been gone,

your parents have
gotten worried.

Kids never change.

Always dumb as potatoes.

♪ It was December 24th,
on Hollis Ave at the dark ♪

♪ When I seen a man chillin'
with his dog at the park ♪

♪ I approached him very slowly,
with my heart full of fear ♪

♪ Looked at his dog--
oh, my God!-- a ill reindeer! ♪

♪ But then I was illin'
'cause the man had a beard ♪

♪ And a bag full of goodies,
12:00 had neared ♪

♪ So I turned my head
a second and the man... ♪

Pull over!

Hey kid, you ever wanted
a train for Christmas?

This one's yours.

Why can't they leave a poor tree
in the woods where it belongs?

♪ I'll be home for Christmas ♪

♪ If only in my dreams. ♪

Hey, hey, that song
goes out to all the G.I.s

overseas and the folks
missing 'em here at home.

Brought to you by
Chesterton cigarettes.

Chesterton-- they feel like me,
singing in your throat.

Can it really be Christmas

when one of our parents
is facing the German army?

Simpson, get your helmet on

I'm trying.

It just keeps popping off.

Ach du lieber!

You can make it
through this, Marge.

Just think of Homer.

Hey, Simpson.

How come you ain't in
combat like a real man?

I'm too fat to
fit in a foxhole.

Kids, remember
when I promised to feed us

from that victory garden?

Well, instead, I grew this tree.

Don't dare bring that
thing in here.

What? You don't want
a Christmas tree?

That's crazy.

Next you won't want
a Christmas ham.

Don't worry about that.

I love meat and I always will.

Mm-mm! That is
some sweet pig meat.

But as for Christmas trees,
I used to love them,

until last year...

This tree reminds me
of your father.

It's round in the middle,
thinning on top,

and your hands get sticky
when you touch it.

Simpson, you're shipping
out tonight.

Right before Christmas?

Hitler doesn't
take a holiday.

Well, he does, but he
doesn't tell people

till the last minute,
so they can't make plans.

Bastard.

But I... oh...

So I never want to see
another Christmas tree

until Mom comes back,
safe and sound.

Sweetie, if your mother
was in trouble,

they'd tell us as
soon as they could.

Telegram!
D'oh!

Marge is Mia?

Oh, my God!

She changed her name!

No, that says she's
missing in action.

Oh, no!

See?

Every time we get
a tree, Mom disappears.

Why couldn't it have been me?
It still could be.

You just have to go down to
the recruiting station and--

Shut up.

Huh?

Oh, no!

This is where
they took Mom from me.

I've been waiting for you.

Your mom paid for this tree

last year, but never took it.

I've watered it,
kept it fresh,

and every time
I look at this blue spruce,

it reminds me
of your good old mom.

Here, let me trim it for you.

And decorate it a little.

It's a sign. Mom's okay.

Thank you.

Yeah. My only sale all year
and it's not even a sale.

Whose turn is it to cry?

Yours.

Quit your bellyaching about
Marge and let me read the paper.

Look at that picture!

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

Huh?

I thought you said you
didn't want a tree.

Yes, but then I learned that
there's always hope.

Someday this war will be over.

Someday our mom will be back.

Someday TV will be invented,
and it will be free.

Then it will cost money.

But until then,
this tree will stand

for everything Mom believes in:

home, family, and constantly
sweeping up needles.

♪ O tannenbaum, o tannenbaum ♪

♪ Wie treu sind deine bl tter ♪

♪ Du gr nst nicht nur ♪

♪ Zur sommerzeit ♪

♪ Nein auch im winter,
wenn es schneit... ♪

I pooped my tights.

Ah!

Nein, nein, why did I go
to the 9:00 show?!

Das ist Hitler.

Auf Wiedersehen.

This is the last time
I bring these two

to bed at the same time.

I've always believed in you
even when others didn't.

Can you help save
our family Christmas?

Marge Simpson.

Marge Simpson, I'm on my way.

Wake up, Marge.

Magical memories
don't make themselves.

Martha Stewart!

How did you get in here?

A picket fence
stood on its end

makes a sturdy
and attractive ladder.

Now let's make that bed.

A smattering of pinecones.

And with a little bit of work,
this wedding dress

can make a great dust ruffle.

B-But I was gonna--
oh... Ooh!

So this stuff will
just shampoo out, huh?

Why would you want
to shampoo it out?

Me and Milhouse had
a snowball fight,

then an ice-ball fight,
then a fight-fight.

You boys want to play soldier?

I can't think of a better way
to spend Jesus's birthday.

I'm not sure I like
where this is going.

Well, I'm not sure anyone
asked your opinion.

Squeeze your shoulder
blades together.

Now march,
and after an hour you can relax

with some hand-shaved hot cocoa

and a trial subscription
to Martha Stewart Living.

Yay!

And out.
Ms. Stewart,

I made a star for the tree
out of discarded water bottles.

Lovely, dear, except
I would have soaked

the labels off
with warm water.

Then I would have
melted the plastic down

in the double boiler

and poured it
into a candy mold.

And finally, I wouldn't have
presented it quite so proudly.

I'll go outside
and make snow angels.

Lie face down

and your beautiful smile
will be molded into the snow.

Okay.

Now this is
a challenge.

There, a slumbering hubby

is now a traditional
Christmas tableau.

Copyright
Martha Stewart.

He's starting
to wake up.

A little
of my Hubby's Holiday Helper

will calm him
right down.

Don't worry, Marge,
it's a good thing.

There, there.

Shh...

Martha, the house
looks beautiful.

It's like Christmas with
a childless gay couple.

But it's just
not the same

without my family
being themselves.

Well, thanks for
wasting my time.

I'll just wave my magic wand

and turn everything
back the way it was.

You have a magic wand?

Yes, I made it myself.

Take an old car antenna,
marinate it overnight

in the tears of a heartbroken
leprechaun, bake at 350

till a rainbow shoots out of
the oven, and there you go.

I guess I'll never have
a perfect Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Mom!

We brought you
breakfast in bed.

Now we just
have to make it.

♪ It's beginning to
look a lot like ♪

♪ Breakfast ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ You'll be oh so pleased ♪

♪ When the OJ is
freshly-squeezed ♪

♪ And the toast is made
from homemade-- d'oh! ♪

♪ We're gonna go out
for breakfast ♪

♪ We'll go out to eat ♪

♪ It'll be any place you choose,
as long as it's run by Jews ♪

♪ 'Cause they don't think
this holiday's so great. ♪

♪ Aloha'oe, aloha'oe ♪

Hurry up, kids.
We got to get to the airport.

Did you get a good
house sitter?

Moe Szyslak,
house sitter extraordinaire.

Sticks and stones
may break my bones...

Ow! Hey, stop it!

Ooh, cookies!

Great at the chewing,
not so hot at the swallowing.

Now, remember,
pack only necessities.

Hey, baby, it's Moe.

Calling youse
from my new bachelor pad

at 742 Evergreen Terrace.

Yeah, okay, sugar plum,
I'll see you soon.

Hey, get this off.
Hey, get this off!

Now nothing stands between
us and sunny Hawa...

Merry Humbug, everyone.

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

What's wrong, Homie?

I got the week off
by telling Mr. Burns

I had a neck injury.

Mr. Burns, why'd you
come to see me?

Well, last night, I had a
visit from three spirits.

I wish this show had a visit
from three new writers.

Wait, what's this?

Carpetbags and
portmanteaus?

Going somewhere,
Simpson?

Uh, uh...

Hey, guys, uh, you'll need this
on your trip to Hawaii... aah!

Hmm, your
goblin fainted.

Not a goblin.

Simpson,
where's your Christmas tree?

Coming!

Homer, give me
back my tree!

Well, I won't interrupt
your holiday any longer.

Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good--

pop superstar/fashionista
Katy Perry?!

What are you people doing in
my boyfriend Moe's bachelor pad?

That's right,
she's into puppets.

Just what's going on here?

Fine, I'll come clean.

It's a Christmas miraculum.

No, it's not.

I just told a lie
so we could go to Hawaii.

You lied to me.

Release the hounds.

Oh, they'll be here
any minute.

We, uh, blew the budget
on Katy Perry.

D'oh.

Someone totally needs a hug.

I kissed a girl
and I liked it.

All is forgiven,
Simpsons.

Go and enjoy "Ha-vah-ee."

Just as soon as we sing
one Christmas carol.

Oh, man, not the lame-o
"12 Days of Christmas."

Of course not.

I want to sing
the original, unabridged

"39 Days Of Christmas."

And-a one and-a two...

♪ 39 fops a-fopping ♪

♪ 38 fishwives hawking ♪

♪ 37 coopers cooping ♪

♪ 36 bootblacks buffing ♪

♪ 35 buskers busking ♪

♪ 34 something something ♪

♪ 33 alchemists transmuting ♪

♪ 32 Dutchmen plotting ♪

♪ 31 doctors leeching ♪

♪ 30-year average lifespan. ♪

Tonight's Simpsons episode

was brought to you
by the symbol umlaut

and the number e.

Not the letter e,
but the number

whose exponential function
is the derivative of itself.

Well, it's been a long run,
but I think this'll kill it.

What, The Simpsons?

No, Christmas.

We did that one already.

Shh.

I-I'll just kiss
your belly button.

Oh, uh, that's not
my belly button.

But I didn't say stop.