The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 22, Episode 1 - Elementary School Musical - full transcript

D'oh!

♪ The Simpsons 22x01 ♪
Elementary School Musical
Original Air Date on September 26, 2010

It's 4:00 a.m.

You kids should have been
in bed a half-hour ago.

We're watching the
Nobel Prize announcements

live from Stockholm.

Ooh, the Nobies!

For Economics...

Jagdish Bhagwati.

Huzzah!
I had him in the pool.

Lucky.



Quiet!

It's time for the noblest
Nobel Prize of all:

the Peace Prize.

I would kill for that.

And the Nobel Prize
for Peace goes to...

Isn't this
exciting?

Krusty the Clown.

And now, to comment
on joining the ranks of

Martin Luther King, Jr.,
Ghandi, and Desmond Tutu,

here's the man who
always parks in my spot,

Krusty the Clown!

I'd just like to say:

this thing is worth
nearly two million dollars.

How do you like me now,
Teen Choice Awards?



Will you be flying
to Norway to accept the prize?

I'm looking forward to
visiting the Arctic Circle,

or as I call it,
my wife's side of the bed!

For the purposes of
that joke, I'm married.

Hey! You!
Big Chief Laugh-at-Crap.

Meet me in my limo
in five minutes.

Arctic Circle--
I just got that!

All right, all right,
settle down.

Homer, you're the
easiest laugh I know.

How easy am I?

Shut up!

I'm gonna need you
in the audience

when I accept the
Peace Prize in Oslo.

Can my son come, too?

He knows what to do
when I swallow my tongue.

Eh, why not?

♪ They fight and bite ♪

♪ They fight and bite
and fight♪

♪ Fight, fight, fight ♪

♪ Bite, bite, bite ♪

♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! ♪

They fight and bite?

I never go to Europe
without learning something.

Now listen, I need you two
to hold these for me.

Your drugs
put me to sleep.

Your drugs
wake me up.

If I ask you to give
me more, you say no.

If I ask you again,
you give 'em to me.

Why aren't I
going to Oslo?

The Nobel Prizes
are my freakin' thing.

But no, Bart
gets everything

because he's the oldest,
and he's a boy.

And Maggie gets
what's ever left over,

because she's the youngest
and she's a baby.

Meanwhile, I just
stand and wave

to people going
to better places.

Would half a bottle of
confiscated water cheer you up?

Ew, no thanks.

Oh. Quite the little
princess, ain't she?

I'm just gonna chill out with
a little This American Life.

I'm Ira Glass. Remember when
you were five years old,

putting ketchup on your hot dog?

Today, in five acts: condiments.

Act one, mustard.

Act two, mayo.

Act three, relish.

Act four, corn relish...

Mom, this isn't
the way home.

Maybe we're not going
home right away.

Oh, I get it.

They go to Oslo,
we get some ice cream.

Well, you could get
some ice cream, or...

spend a week at
performing arts camp!

Whoops-- didn't
time that quite right.

Oh, my God! Mom, thank you!

I just need my...

Did you really
think I'd forget?

Now have
a great time.

Victory for
the middle child!

Aw, you think
I forgot you?

Babies shouldn't
jump to conclusions.

Hello? Hello...?

Huh?

♪ I... ♪

♪ I love the elegant
pearls you wear ♪

♪ And the starfish shape
that constitutes your hair ♪

♪ You'll... ♪

♪ Be staying in Cabin 12... ♪

♪ And we think that
you'll be very happy there. ♪

♪ You're gonna like
arts camp, Lisa ♪

♪ Marge paid with
her debit VISA ♪

♪ Arts, arts,
arts education... ♪

♪ You're gonna like
arts camp, Lisa ♪

♪ Marge paid with
her debit VISA ♪

♪ Arts, arts,
arts education... ♪

♪ You're gonna like
arts camp, Lisa ♪

♪ Marge paid with
her debit VISA ♪

♪ Arts, arts,
arts education... ♪

♪ You're gonna like
arts camp, Lisa ♪

♪ Marge paid with
her debit VISA... ♪

Knock, knock!

Lisa, I'm Kurt,
and this is Ethan.

We're the counselors-
slash-musical directors-

slash-community
outreach liaisons-

slash counselors.

You said
counselors twice.

We do a lot
of counseling.

Yeah, but we don't do
twice as much counseling.

Well, don't question me
in front of the children!

She can't hear us,
we're stage whispering.

I can hear you.

No, you can't.

Okay, Lisa, let's get
your camp T-shirt.

♪ All our camp
T-shirts are medium ♪

♪ Well, I hope you wear
medium, girl-- huh! ♪

We should also
find you a meal plan.

♪ Meal-planning lady... ♪

♪ Plan my meals, baby... ♪

Do you guys
always do that?

♪ Do what? ♪

Sing what
you just said,

then play
a little guitar riff?

♪ No, we
don't do that ♪

♪ We never
do that ♪

♪ Well, we
sometimes do that ♪

♪ But very
infrequently, lady. ♪

How 'bout that
airline food, huh?

They should've called it
"chicken cordon blech"!

Another good one.

Huh? Wait a minute...
This doesn't look like Oslo.

Where are the
wood-stave churches?

Historic
Akershus Fortress?

You are
not in Oslo.

You are
in Holland...

specifically, The Hague.

Did you say
a Hague?

I said The Hague.

What's going on?
Where's my Nobel Prize?

There is no prize.

It was merely a ruse

to get you to Europe,

so we could try you
for the terrible crimes

you've committed
on this continent!

It was all a setup!

You gotta read
me the charges!

You dropped a monkey
from the Eiffel Tower...

Uh-huh.

In Greece, you committed
something called

"aggravated hey-hey"...

Forgot about
that one.

And here in Holland,
you stole the entire act

of our beloved
clown "Van Kru sten."

U bestolen al
mijn jokenchortles!

Gaah! Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute!

One of the most
important skills

a performer can learn
is dealing with hecklers.

And... action!

Top of the evening,
Officer Krupke.

Your dog's dead!

Um... that's not
really a heckle.

Right, yeah, right.

I've seen more life in the
Wellington Botanic Gardens!

That is a heckle,
but if you're not

from New Zealand,
it loses some of its sting.

How much?
Well, most of it.

Do you think they
won't know the reference?

If they did
know the Gardens,

then they would know that
they're teeming with life.

So, what do
you guys do

when you're not
camp counselors?

We're highly
successful artists.

And as artists, we live in

Springfield's most
artistic borough...

Sprooklyn.

We spend our days
acting and painting...

dancing and sculpting...

playing my Gibson...

rehearsing my Ibsen.

Because, you see,
young artists,

♪ Artists are the people
who hold up a mirror ♪

♪ Artists make society
see its faults clearer ♪

♪ Artists help stamp out
oppression and wars ♪

♪ And when we
camp outdoors ♪

♪ We make
the best s'mores. ♪

Three layers,
Mother Nature.

Mmm... Mmm...
Yeah, yeah.

♪ Artists end poverty
with music and dance ♪

♪ Artists make art
on the beaches of France ♪

♪ I never knew artists
were all so amazing ♪

♪ Excuse me while I talk
to this cow that is grazing ♪

♪ I give art
like you give milk ♪

♪ Everyone listens when
artists are talking ♪

♪ 'Cause artists are smarter
than Mr. Stephen Hawking ♪

Oh, yeah.

Break it down for me, fellas.

♪ Do you think that I could be
an artist in the city? ♪

♪ Hold on, Lisa, let me
check with the committee ♪

So, what do
you guys think?

Yes.
I agree.

♪ Yes, Lisa, you could be
an artist in the world ♪

♪ So move to the city when
you're less itty-bitty, girl ♪

♪ To the gritty city when
you're less itty-bitty, girl ♪

♪ The city's pretty gritty for
an itty-bitty pretty girl. ♪

I am really, really sorry

for everything
I've been charged with

and all the stuff
you don't know about yet.

There is only
one possible way

to earn your freedom.

Oh, I get it.

Everyone's windmill needs
a new blade now and then, right?

No! Our windmills are
the envy of the world!

To win exoneration, you must
prove that you have made

a singular contribution
to Western culture.

Western, huh?

Did you ever see
my "Wyatt Burp" sketch?

Everyone on my payroll
says it's great.

I am not familiar
with this "Wyatt Burp."

Oh, uh...
then, uh...

Let me do my "Dutch Oven" bit!

It's about other Dutchmen,
not you.

You know, uh...

Those clouds look like
a casting director saying,

"You've got the part."

That cloud
looks like legendary

Broadway lyricist
Betty Comden.

I finally found
the place I belong.

You're week's up.
Time to go home!

It can't be Saturday already.

Monday was orientation.

Tuesday, we did mime.

Wednesday we did Mame.

Thursday we got
attacked by bees.

Friday morning, Andrew Lloyd
Webber and Elaine Stritch

helped us make wallets.

Friday evening, we performed

Angels in America: A Gay
Fantasia on National Themes.

Part One: Millennium
Approaches.

Part Two...

Perestroika?

That's right!

Strike the set,
pizza party,

Saturday morning,
and then...

No!

Good-bye, Lisa.

I'll miss you a lot, then a
little, then not too much.

Lisa, do you have
to leave this minute?

No time.

I don't want to get stuck behind
the joggers from the fat camp.

I can't go home.

Something happened this week
that completely changed me.

Oh, you didn't see a boy lose
his swim trunks, did you?

No.

I fell in love with theater,
dance, and song.

We've got plenty
of songs in the car,

by Maggie's
favorite singer: Roofi.

♪ Brush your teeth,
comb your hair ♪

♪ Have an apple or a pear... ♪

Bup-up-up. Safety locks.

♪ Brush your teeth,
comb your hair ♪

♪ Have an apple
or a pear ♪

♪ Brush your teeth,
comb your hair ♪

♪ Have an apple
or a pear ♪

♪ Brush your teeth
comb your hair ♪

♪ Have an apple or a... ♪

What's the matter, Lisa?

You're usually the first
one out of this death trap.

Well, the combination
of me leaving arts camp

and you driving
on and off the shoulder

has made me a little ill.

Sorry. I guess I shouldn't be
playing this driving game

while I'm driving.

Okay, maybe it won't
be that bad.

Hey Lisa, how
was farts camp?

Farts camp--
that's great.

Arts camp was lovely.

Did you paint a picture
on toilet paper?

Lisa Simpson, please stick

to the illegally
Xeroxed sheet music.

But arts camp encouraged us
to spread our wings and fly.

Lisa, I went to arts camp, too.

And all it does
is fill your coconut

with banana-cream dreams
that can never come true.

How do you cope?

Vanilla Wafers, plum wine
and take it from the top.

♪ My country 'tis of thee ♪

♪ Life disappointed me ♪

♪ I'm 53. ♪

We gotta find a clip
that proves

Krusty's made
a cultural contribution.

Let's see what
we've got here.

Ah, here we are--

Top to bottom, left to right,
readin' things is outta sight.

Speaking of out of sight,
you've gotta hide me.

I slept with the lighting
director's wife, and...

No appetite, honey?

It's just dinner
conversation at arts camp

was a bit more stimulating.

One night we spoke only
in lines from famous poems.

Because I could
not stop for death,

he kindly stopped for me.

Emily Dickinson.

No, I was just
describing my day.

If you need me, I'll be upstairs
saying good-bye to my dreams.

My dream is to be able
to walk up stairs

like an eight-year-old girl.

Maggie, your
big sister is leaving

for a more
artistic life.

I'll send for you
when I'm famous.

We'll take the town by storm,
like the Bronte sisters.

Oh, Maggie, don't ever turn two.

Aha!

Lisa Simpson.

What are you doing here?

I came to share in the esteem

that the world bestows
on its artists.

Uh, yeah.

Brrr!

Boy, it sure is
cold in here.
No heat.

It's, uh, part of our art.

More art.

Ethan, look what
I stole from work.

Yes!

Tomatoes?

What kind of artists are you?

Sandwich artists.
But we get to eat

any sandwiches we
drop on the floor.

Unless we drop
them on purpose.

They've got cameras
on us at all times.

Are you saying
that arts camp was a lie?

Well, not the swimming.

Look, Lisa, I think it's time
we can sang you the truth.

♪ Artists are the least
important people in the world ♪

♪ So whatever you do,
don't be an artist, girl... ♪

♪ Artists make a living
dressing up like a falafel ♪

♪ Artists shed a tear ♪

♪ When they're called
something awful ♪

You ain't no falafel!

♪ Artists sit in jail,
on a lifetime hitch ♪

♪ The only way out is
become a prison snitch ♪

Oh, why did I sing
that out loud?

♪ What I don't get is ♪

♪ Why all the lies ♪

♪ We wanted you to think ♪

♪ We were happening guys. ♪

Well, philosophically,
we're happening,

in the sense
that we exist.

Not for long, if we don't
drop more sandwiches.

CHIEF MAGISTRATE:
Herschel Krustofsky,

you stand accused of
the most heinous crimes

known to clowndom.

Have you anything to say
in your defense?

I'm sorry, Your Honor.

I've led a worthless life.

I've been this way
since I was a little...

squirt!

Heh? Heh?

Come on, I thought you
Euro-jerks loved unfunny comedy.

We don't put "Euro"
in front of everything.

Euro-guards!

Take him away
in Euro-cuffs.

Wait! Not so fast!

We found something
to save Krusty!

And it's on this DVD.

Is it region one or region two?

Uh, what region is America?

Region one.

Woo-hoo!

We're region one!

We're region one!

Well, this is
region two,

so I'm afraid your
exculpatory evidence

will produce nothing more
than an error message

stating
"unreadable disc."

If it please
the court,

my brother has a
multi-region player.

I just pray he's not
on a state-mandated

five-week vacation.

Get this back
to me by 6:00.

I'm having a Real Housewives
of Atlanta season two party.

My dressing room has
regular potato chips,

but my contract
specifically stated

half regular, half ruffled!

Krusty, please...

Forget it! Forget it!

The gig's off!

I ain't gonna play Sun City.

Vuvuzela me out of here.

Three days later,

South Africa freed
Nelson Mandela from prison.

Krusty the Klown, your
selfishness has saved the world.

Case dismissed.

I'm just glad you
all finally saw

what an amazing
human being I am.

Now, where's the
nearest place

I can score a little
victory weed?

That would be the
courthouse cafeteria.

I'll be right there.

Order me, um,
a raspberry crepe

and a brick of hash.

How do you smoke it?

I melt it and inject
it into my eyelid.

Hey, you're all right.

♪ Playing guitars ♪
♪ Playing guitar,
guitars ♪

♪ It's hard to sing ♪
while playing ♪

♪ Guitars... ♪

♪ Guitars. ♪

What's she doing
with her hands?

It's called applause.

I'm not sure I like it.

Lisa?
Are you in here?

Mom! Take me home!

Hi. I'm Moe.

It's good that little kid left,

'cause this song is gonna get
into a very dark area.

Good-bye, guys.

I'll try again
when I'm older.

Remember us for
our exaggerations,

not our reality.

And we gave you a little
surprise for your trip back.

Is it your laundry?

Okay, two surprises.

In a way, I think
we learned more from her

than she did from us.
Yeah, well,
obviously,

because we taught
her nothing.

Lisa, look!

Oh...

Thanks, guys.

How did we get way up here?

Weren't we just back there?

The magic of art.

Sorry we're late.

Oops.

Nice one.

♪ It's hard to sing
while playing ♪

♪ Guitars... ♪

♪ Guitars. ♪

♪ Artists are the people
who hold up a mirror ♪

♪ Artists make society
see its faults clearer ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ Artists help stamp out
oppression and war ♪

♪ And when we camp outdoors ♪
♪ We make the best s'mores ♪

♪ Three layers, Mother Nature ♪

♪ Mmm, mmm ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Artists end poverty
with music and dance ♪

♪ Artists make art
on the beaches of France ♪

♪ I never knew
artists were all so amazing ♪

♪ Excuse we while I talk
to this cow that is grazing ♪

♪ I give art ♪

♪ Like you give milk... ♪

♪ Do you think that I could be

♪ An artist in the city? ♪

♪ Hold on, Lisa, let me
check with the committee ♪

♪ Yes, Lisa, you can be
an artist in the world ♪

♪ So move to the city when
you're less itty-bitty, girl ♪

♪ The city's pretty gritty for
an itty-bitty pretty girl. ♪