The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 21, Episode 23 - Judge Me Tender - full transcript

Ah!

D'oh!

Hello, boy.
Why, you...!

♪ The Simpsons 21x23 ♪
Judge Me Tender
Original Air Date on May 23, 2010

That is disgusting!

Hang on. Here's a spot
that still looks good.

So, do we have a winner?

Hmm...

Not ugly enough.

I want something
that looks like this...

Ay, caramba!



...had a baby with this,

and it got sat on by this.

I think I've come up
with the answer.

Oh... my... God!

You never fail
to nauseate me, boy.

Just call me "Barf Simpson."

I wanted to,

but your mother said
kids might tease you.

Half an hour to showtime,
your ugliness.

Dad, do you realize

we've put more time
into this

than all my schoolwork
combined?

But if we win this,
we get a gift certificate.

For what?



It doesn't matter.

How ya doin'?

I need a diaper
for my chimp

that won't upset
my tiger's stomach

if he eats the chimp.

Fear not.
Our chimp diapers have

that nutty cinnamon taste
tigers love.

Mmm!
It's a great time to be a tiger.

Mr. Flanders,
how did you make

these amazing fish?

Actually,
God made some fish

that were pretty
close to these,

so naturally we selected those
for further breeding.

So that natural selection was
the origin of this species?

Yup, that's exactly...

Whoa-oa-oa!

You almost got me.

Not on my watch!

This seat taken?

Uh, yes,
I'm saving it for...

this soy sauce packet.

Aw, man, you know
you're a loser

when they don't even work hard
on the excus

I'll just sit here, then.

Thanks a lot, everyone.

Choke on yourselves.

Ah, here we go.

Oh, no, you don't.

Whoa, that one's so ugly,

it reminds me
of my ex-wife! Hah!

That one reminds me
of her lawyer.

Congress...

elderly drivers...

commercials...

Bella Abzug...

Hey, clown, we've heard
your stand-up!

Now how about
some shut-up!

Everybody's a comedian.

Except you!

Well, why don't you come up here
and try to entertain 'em?

Do it, Moe!
Come on, Moe!

Entertain us!

Well, I guess
I could. Uh...

At least
I'd get a chair.

Check it out.

Two train wrecks
connected

by a strip of leather.

I don't wanna say it's ugly,

but PETA called and said
we should kill this one.

And now, owned by one
of the ugliest families

in Springfield...

Satan's Little Helper!

Oh! Whoa!

Even the Koreans
wouldn't touch this dog!

We have a winner!

Oh...

Ooh, everyone's coming over
to congratulate us!

Humble faces, kids!

Humbler!

Lisa, too humble.

Hmm?!

You're hilarious!

Judge my baby!

Say something cruel
about me!

Would you do
my kid's birthday party?

ALL
Moe! Moe! Moe!

Wow, they love me for my bile.

And I got a spleenful!

Hel-lo!

No, no, no, I don't need your
fair-weather friendship...

...is what I'll say
tomorrow morning!

Man, you sure saved
that dog show.

Moe, you were hilarious.

Ah, I was just doin'
what comes naturally to me;

being mean to animals.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

I was wondering
if you would judge

an outrageous beard contest
I'm in tonight.

Well, uh, anyone can get
a laugh

at the expense
of an ugly dog.

But crazy beards?

That's where
the big boys play.

You got
the gift, baby!
Come on, Moe.

Can you make it sound
like girls askin' me?

Oh, Moe,
please do it! Oh!
Please? Moe, please?

Okay, you crazy
dames, I'll do it!

Which means this joint is closed
for the night.

Don't be that way!
You kidding me?

You can't close!

I'll have to go home
and drink better beer

at half the price
in natural lighting!

I didn't want
to have to do this.

Yeah, that's right!
Scatter, ya cockroaches!

Mr. Szyslak, would you like
to buy some band candy?

That doesn't work
on me.

Oh, yeah?

How 'bout this
scary face?!

I can see that down deep is
a decent man.

Fine.

You're home early!

Oh, can't a guy rush home
from work

to see his beautiful...

Moe's is closed, huh?

Yeah.

Now what
am I supposed to do?

We can enjoy each
others' company.

Okay.

Still wanna be
at Moe's?

She's right, Homer.
You're happier there.

Mr. Szyslak, you want
to buy some band candy?

Even in the thought bubble,
I gotta buy band candy?

Looks like you ate

a Rastafarian, and he's
comin' back up on ya!

Now looky here.

I'm no judge of talent,

but I am a judge
of judging.

And in my judge
judgment,

you have a talent
fojudging talent.

You talk like my ass plays
harmonica.

You should share

your hilarious hate
with everyone!

♪ Why can't you be nicer
to me? ♪

♪ My pride is dying ♪

♪ I think I'm all done
lying, oh... ♪

I didn't see you come in.

Well, since Moe's is
closed again,

I thought I'd help
you cook dinner.

Well, I don't need
much help,

but you can keep me company.

You know what?

I'll just cook this later.

What are we watching?

Uh, I'm gonna go
read a book.

Huh?

After the title page,
it's Bob Dole's memoirs.

This is terrible!

I've seen better stitching on
a baseball glove!

Can I have another corpse?

They weren't corpses.

Uh-oh.

Moe Szyslak?

I'm from U.C.A.A.,
the Uncreative Artists Agency.

We represent some
of the biggest stars on TV.

TV, huh?
That crap still on?

Yes, sir. Never been crappier.

Listen, Moe,
reality shows are
looking for judges,

and you're that
mythical creature

we thought we would
never find:

you're mean, you're funny
and you're not British!

I am so not British.

Don't let this pasty face
and bad teeth fool ya.

Perfect!

So, what kind of reality shows

are we talkin' about here?

Well, to name
just a few:

America's Ripest Bananas,
So You Think You Can Judge,

Who Wants to be a Welder?
Poodle Versus Elephant...

Leg Swap, Old People Try
to Figure Out Computers,

American Idol,
Dancing With Cars of the Stars,

America's Drunkest Nobody,
Let's Make a Veal...

Love that show.

Somali Pirate Apprentice.

Right, yeah,
with those guys.

Fix Andy Dick.

It's about time.

Bottom Chef,
My Life On Kathy Griffin,

Pimp My Crypt, Are You Fatter
Than a Fifth Grader?

and Grave Robbers
of Orange County.

Geez, that's, uh,
quite a list.

Hang on.
I'm getting a text.

Ooh, those were all
just canceled,

except for American Idol.

Did you just say
"Armenian Idol"?

'Cause that's my favorite show!

No, no, no, no, no,
American Idol.

Oh, yeah.

Who's their Egor Glumov?

Randy Jackson.

Ah, good enough.

Uh, hey, driver,
could you put on a song

about California
or Los Angeles?

Ah, they all suck.

But here's a great one
about Alabama!

♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪

♪ Where the skies are so blue ♪

♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪

♪ Lord, I'm coming home
to you. ♪

Now that I have
all this free time,

I thought I would do you
a huge favor.

That's nice.

What kind of favor?

I organized
the kitchen.

I labeled everything
with a labelmaker...

and I mixed all the spices
together into one super spice!

Oh-oh, what kind
of ventilating is that?

Hyper!

Wow, Marge,

I can't believe you're
taking me to a sports bar.

Well, it's been such a blessing
having you around the house.

Making my life easier,
as you so put it.

So I thought you
deserved a reward.

Watching hockey.

Watching them
pass that puck.

Oh, yeah.

Lacrosse, idiot.

Hey, man, can you
settle a bet?

What was the
greatest XFL team

that never won
a championship?

Uh, the Long Island
Iced Teas?

I think you want the gay bar
across the street.

As an eight-year-old girl
in 21st-century America,

I know how it is to feel
insecure about your looks.

But you've got so much
going for you.

I'd kill for your
sense of smell.

You have a nice firm handshake.

And when you wag your tail,
it really lights up a room.

Now let's scoot together.

Wow, I can't believe I'm here.

The place where magic is made.

I really appreciate you
showing me around, Simon.

Always happy to
help the newbies.

And how do you like L.A.?

Oh, it's a helluva city.

It's like somebody
stepped on New York

and scraped it off
on the beach.

Clever.

Slightly nasty.

Very impressive.

You know, I don't say
this often, Moe,

but I actually think you're
quite good at this.

Oh, well... Oh, nuts.

Here come the paparazzi.

Homie, I thought you
were at that sports bar.

Well, that place was for
die-hard sports fans.

Not guys like me, who are

only fans when their team
makes the playoffs.

So I decided to take
apart the washing machine

to see where that penny
I left in my pants went.

Well, I am glad you're
spending more time with us,

but maybe you should get a
plumber to help you with that.

Oh, those guys
are all crooks.

They charge you for
parts and labor?

Pick one, buddy.

I can do this
just fine by myself.

Don't worry, I got it.

Sure is hell to have
your husband around all
the time, ain't it?

At least in hell,
the heat still works.

Well, I do know something
that could occupy his time.

A lot of his time.

Seen it work with plenty
of men my age.

Only thing is,
you may not get him back.

What is it?

Golf.

Hey there, neighbor.

You look as puffed up
as a peacock in a...

Golf it is.

Golf what is?

Uh, you wanted
to see me, Simon?

Moe, as you know,

over the past few days I've
grown rather fond of you.

I can't believe you gave
me your home phone number.

That's not my home number.

That's my assistant's
work number.

Now, Moe, I want to give you
a friendly warning--

don't do what I did.

Don't become the mean judge.

But it's brought you everything
a man could want.

Uh, I bet you throw out
your paper plates

instead of reusing them
till the food drops through.

That's true. Everything
you said is true.

But there's a cost.

I'm lonely, Moe.

No one dares to be my friend,

for fear I'll say
something nasty.

But what we do is just
kiddin' around, right?

People know that.

Do they?

They've been preparing
a bio of you,

with interviews of
people you've judged.

Let's have a look.

He's the meanest
man in town.

Nasty.

Uncouth.

We hate you.

So does Stu.

Edit that so it
rhymes with something.

He's a...

Wow, I can't believe
this, Simon.

Simon?

Huh.

Was he really here, or was it
just my imagination?

I'm here.

My black tee shirt makes me
blend into the shadows.

I'm here, I'm gone.

I'm here, I'm gone.
I'm here, I'm gone.

I'm here.
I get it. I get it.
That-That's your thing.

♪ Happy birthday to... ♪

♪ You! ♪

This is it, Moe--

America's going to learn
just what sort of man you are.

Okay, Randy, what'd you
think of that performance?

A'ight, a'ight, you know what?

I was feelin' that, dawg.

"Happy" was very cool, right?

But "birth" was definitely
a little pitchy.

But I gotta tell you something,
you worked it out on "day," man.

And then when you hit that "to
you", dude, that was the bomb.

You blew out
all the candles, baby.

If you think that
answer was a yes,

text the number at
the bottom of the screen

Giant secret charges
may apply. Kara?

I have to admit, I dn't think
you could comeack

from last week, when your
version of "Brown Sugar"

made Mick Jagger
retire from singing rever.

But you rocked it.

Ellen, what's your
"ramble" on this?

Ryan, I don't ramble anymore.

Although Ive that
song "Ramblin' Man" by
The Allman Brothers.

I used to think that they were
"The Almond Brothe,"

which was ol,
because I love nuts.

Except for filberts,
which is weird

because I love Dilbert--

'cause when you're stuck
workinin a cubicle,

sometimes you just gotta dance.

♪

Now let's hear from
the new guy, Moe Szyslak.

Uh... Well, let's
see here, um..

Don't become the mean judge.

Mr. Cowellwould you
likee band candy?

Security.

Uh, I'm afraid

you're wasting your
time on this stage.

...because you should be
on Broadway

chargin' a hundred
bucks a ticket.

You're a natural talent.

I'm gettin' a
little emotional here,

because your voice, it opened
up a little part of me

that I thought was closed
to truth and beauty forever.

If there's a God,
I just hope that right now

he's votin' your name
on that 8-8-8 line.

It was, it was really beautiful.

Really. Thank you.

Okay, that's four thumbs up.

And finally, because this
show now has more judges

than the Supreme Court...
Simon, what do you say?

Well, that was a truly a
remarkable version of
"Happy Birthday."

Because when it was done,

I actually felt like I had
lost a year of my life.

But even more objectionable
were Moe's insipid comments,

a desperate plea
for affection,

which fell as flat as
the hair on my head.

Why are you raggin' on me?

I'm just doin'
what you said.

Hmm. Let me think.

Why would I try to
sabotage a new judge

who just might do what I
do for $48 million less?

Hey, hey, hey.

I've been double-crossed here.

You're pretty smart huh, Simon?

Let's see how smart you are with
your voice box hangin' out.

Label to camera.
Label to camera.

What? Oh. Sorry. Sorry.

Die, ya bastard.

Tees, scorecard,
stubby little pencil.

You're all set.

Have fun, Homie.

Looks like Jimmy's

starting him off
with a three iron.

My first shot was
with a three iron.

One shot, and I was
hooked for life.

Barely saw my family again.

Birthdays, anniversaries,
I missed 'em all.

I'm missing my daughr's
wedding right now.

Sweet guy, I'm told.

One shot.

Hooked for life.

Huh?!

Marge, you ruined my shot.

You can take another,
in 40 years.

That was awesome.

I feel like the
Tiger Woods of sex.

In the mood for
another round?

I didn't rip out
his voice box,

but I did stretch out
his tee shirt.

Then they said I ain't allowed
back in California no more

and I can no longer make
judgments about nothin'.

Hey, Moe, am I
okay to drive?

Legally, I can't say.

To a drunk man,
that's a yes.

Beep, beep.

He seems fine.

There is one bright side:

I'm also forbidden
from ever watching Fox.

You can't even show it
in the bar?

That's right, and business
has never been better.

Oh, hey, how's it
goin' there, Mr. Murdoch?

Never mind me-- put on
The Jay Leno Show.

Have you seen this?

The president says
Iran has gotten ahold

of the most dangerous weapon
known to man:

The BP oil rig.

That's right,
ladies and gentlemen.

But I know how to make
that leak disappear:

put it on NBC.