The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 21, Episode 3 - The Great Wife Hope - full transcript

"The Great Wife Hope"

Yes!

Oh, Marge, how did you ever come up
with an idea like "crazy bowling"?

I Googled

"Girls having fun," and after wading
through 97,000 pages of porn,

I found "crazy bowling."

Hmm, that's odd.

There isn't a single man in
this whole bowling alley.

The pin!

It's pretty sad when I can't pick up a guy
on super nacho Tuesday.

Where'd they all go?



Oh, you know men-- probably
at a baseball game or a bar.

Come on, you pansies!

I've seen fiercer fights
in parliament!

Yes, what is this, prime
minister's question time?

Yeah, is it that?

There's no better violence
than self-inflicted violence.

Thanks for bringing
me here, dad.

I'll remember this
day on my deathbed.

Not everyone has a deathbed, son.
You could die suddenly.

Wow. Maybe some punk kid will
shoot me to get into a gang.

Maybe.

Three hours of half-naked
guys fighting like animals.

Just like the
ancient romans.

Yeah, except their empire
was falling apart.



Stupid romans.

Ask him.

Sir, could you sign my
program with a swear word?

Uh, yes, filthy but obscure with
a subtle scatological undertone.

Sure, no problem.
$25, please.

Pay the man, boy.

Now, listen, son,

I know we saw some awesome
beat-downs tonight,

but remember:
Don't try this at home.

Do it at the schoolyard.

Someplace where, if you get
hurt, we can sue not just them

but the school, the county, the state,
and that jackass Joe Biden.

Python neck clinch
and... Out.

Maybe I was promoted to
green belt too early.

Next victim.

Here we go.

Where's your brother?

I don't know,
chasing ducks, buried alive?

He'll be missed.
Let's move, I got to collect pine cones.

Die, die, die!

Just follow
the dies, mom.

Why me?

Why me?!

Bart Simpson!

I'm glad your father
isn't here to see this.

Kill, kill, kill, kill!

Kill, kill, kill, kill!

Kill, kill, kill, kill!

Bart, let him go.

But mom, I'm winning.

Look at this--
his lunch money.

God didn't give you legs so
you could use them as scissors.

Well, I was just doing the moves
I learned from Ultimate Punching.

Ultimate Punching?!

"Ultimate" makes
everything worse.

Not frisbee.

- Otto, don't you have a sack to hacky?
- Indeed I do.

One...
Aw, I messed up.

One...
Aw, I messed up.

Okay, I'm going to put a stop
to this Ultimate Punching.

You can't stop
an entire sport.

You'd need
several other mothers,

some sympathetic school
officials and clergymen...

A place to meet...
Some snacks...

- What else?
- A phone tree is invaluable.

How you fixed for staplers?

Those fliers don't stick to phone
poles by themselves, you know.

Nelson, you really have
a knack for this.

Well, when I grow up,

I hope to go into
event planning.

Oh, maybe someday
you can do Lisa's wedding.

Oh, I'd like that.

- Oh, my god.
- Ooh, so violent.

- Bumped his nose!
- Oh, he hit him.

This goes on for a while.

Call me a killjoy,

but I think that because
this is not to my taste,

no one else should be able
to enjoy it.

I'm all over that.

Mom, don't do this.

This sport is as fun for me
as having kids is for you.

Tell her, dad.

You love Ultimate Punching
even more than I do.

Ultimate Punching is
exploitative, violent,

and a bad influence
on our young people.

Studies have shown
your mother is right.

What the...?

Chocolate,
whipped cream, cherries...

She got to you with a piece
of black forest cake.

It wasn't just a piece,
it was the whole cake!

Frosting like snow on the
eaves of a bavarian castle!

- Glad you didn't come cheap.
- I couldn't help it!

She knew my one
weakness-- that I'm weak!

One, two, we say boo!

Three, four, stop the gore!

Five, six, who's got tix?

Seven, eight,
use that gate.

We need to take this
into the belly of the beast.

Mr. Scalper,
give me a ticket.

I am not a scalper.

I am a dude whose 200 friends
did not show up.

What do we do now?

Let's talk about Marge
behind her back.

Have you ever noticed how that
baby of hers never says a thing?

I think it saw
something awful.

- Me, too.
- That's exactly what it is.

Oh, what else
could it be?

That woman has
natural breasts.

This can't be good.

I'm Marge Simpson,
and I will not rest

Until you tear down
this septagon.

What?! Boo!

Crazy dame.

Nobody tears down
the septagon.

Except for the arena crew
because hufflesnuffs on ice

needs the space
tomorrow.

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute,
I have a better idea.

Marge, I'm Chett Englebrecht,

UPKCC founder, commissioner,
and public face of the sport.

Pleased to meet you, Chett.

Guys, please.

When you yell like that,
no one can hear me.

Chett, I'm here to ask
you one simple thing:

please go out of business
and donate all your profits.

At least in other sports,

they're trying to put a
ball in a net or a zone,

But in this sport they don't
put anything in anything,

And if they did,
I wouldn't want to see it.

Okay, you win.

What?!

Annoying lady,
you make a great point.

I am going to shut down
this sport.

Really?

If you meet me in the Septagon,
fight me, and beat me.

What?!
That's crazy.

What's wrong, Marge?
Do you have to ask your husband?

Good one!
Zing!

That flattens my soda pop.
You're on.

- What'd I miss?
- Mmm, nothin'.

Mom, you can't fight that guy.

Yeah, Marge, he'll
knock your block off--

Thank you, Homie.

Listen, of all the crazy
things I've ever done,

this is the craziest,
and you're doing it.

I can't back out.

This is for a cause
that's bigger than I am.

If Gandhi could go without eating
for a whole three-hour movie,

I can do this.

Besides, I'm a woman.
He'll probably go easy on me.

Or kick the crap out of you.

Watch your
language, moron.

If I'm going to open a can
of whup-tushy,

I'd better get in shape with
some rhythmic gymnastics.

Someone's got to stop her from
going through with this fight.

This goes against every
feminist bone in my body,

but dad, can't you control
your woman?

How can I control her?
I have nothing to withhold!

Oh, man, now she's writing
cutesy things with the ribbon.

Homer, this is bad.

One unlucky punch and Marge
could be bedridden for life.

Unable to move anything
but her left toe.

Oh, Marge, if only I knew
what these paintings meant.

I know the woman I loved is
still in there somewhere,

Behind all this nonsense.

We've gotta get Marge some
professional training.

Carl, do you know heavyweight
champ Drederick Tatum?

What? You think just 'cause I'm
black I know all other black people?

Actually, Drederick and I
are very good friends.

We met through Dr. Hibbert at a party
at Bleeding Gums Murphy's house.

Well, Marge, you have definitely come
to the right crib. I'm always happy

to impart my pugilistic
prowess to a punching parvenu.

Now, the first lesson will
be to work the tattoos.

Flaming skull.
Obama.

Scooby-Doo. Scooby-Doo.
Scooby-Doo.

Now, work
"The Lord's Prayer."

I'm gonna order some lion food.
Hello? Yeah, how you doin'?

I'd like to order
two gazelles, an impala,

and throw in a couple
of wildebeests.

Oh, and a two-liter bottle
of diet cherry cola.

You just have one-liter bottles?
Okay, cancel the whole order.

The second element of mixed
martial arts is jujitsu,

in which we use an opponent's
strength against himself.

But I sneak some of my
strength in there, too.

Now, attack me
with great anger!

Surprising move!

Next: Homer, hajime!

Now, we stick foot in mouth,
Tie arms like pretzel,

And pop discs in spine
like bubble wrap.

- Is he okay?
- Oh, he feels no pain.

Sorry, my English is not so good.
I mean, he feels only pain.

Back when I wrestled at Yale,
I was in the lightest weight category--

"Ether weight."

Now, get ready to face the wrath
Of the "new haven nuisance!"

Side-mount!
Takedown! Advantage!

Reversal! Reversal!
Clinch! Clinch, I say!

Listen, I'm late
for a PTA meeting.

In order to save money, the following
presidents will no longer be taught:

Buchanan, Fillmore,
Pierce, Bush, Bush--

Could you please stop that?

Saratoga slam!
Aristotle's dilemma!

Knickerbocker
knucklebreaker! And so on.

Marge, I bet we got ten
minutes Till the kids wake up.

Marge! Marge!

Tomorrow night, your bedroom
will be the Septagon.

Your sleeping pill
will be my punches.

By the way, what's that book
you're reading?

Eat, Pray, Love.

More like "beat, slay, shove!"

The fireworks begin tomorrow!

I said tomorrow!

No can do.
We're out of fireworks.

Why'd you shoot 'em off now?

I have trouble concentrating.

I should be on antidepressants.

Ugh. Where was I?

"Beat, slay, shove."

Right-- "beat, slay, shove!"

The fireworks start tomorrow!

I found some more,
but that was it!

A lot of people think
bullies are born awesome,

but the fact is,
we have to train.

You don't get garlic knots like
these unless you work the bag.

Is there someone
in there?

It's my own fault.
I looked them in the eye

when I gave them my lunch money.

Someone should tell
your principal!

I'm well aware
of the situation.

Mom, I came here to tell you
It's not too late to back out.

I can't back out,
because if I fight him tomorrow,

it'll be a less violent world
for you kids in the future.

There must be
a better way.

There certainly is!

Marge Simpson reporting
for duty!

Dad, I keep telling you,
that won't work.

Let's go, Marge.
My class reunion starts in an hour.

Uh, Moe, I have a confession to make.
I'm just Homer dressed as Marge.

Yeah, but last year, I took
Barney dressed as Marge.

Think how much better
they'll think you look.

Well, you'd better not leave me and
talk to your old friends all night.

Keep talkin' like that and
I'll leave you here right now!

Krusty, I'm honored
you invited me tonight.

Yeah, I thought a noisy public place
would be the best spot to tell you

that I've been
dating your wife.

What?!

Also, could you tell her
I'm dumping her?

After 11 years,
the thrill is gone.

Marge, I tried my best to
talk you out of this.

But since you're going through
with it, I beg you,

just stay out of his way
and don't get hurt.

And, mom, if you punch him in the junk,
You'll get no disrespect from me.

Hey, Bart, did you know
that's a haiku?

Time to square off in the ring--
That is, the Septagon!

- In this corner, weighing in at...
- Nobody needs to know that!

Stands the "mom
I'd like to fight"--

Marge Simpson!

And four obtuse angles over,
weighing in at 115 pounds,

Chett Englebrecht!

And, now... Let's begin
to rumba!

We've been ready for hours!

I had car trouble!

Don't worry, Marge.
Don't want to hurt you.

I knew it!

That's the first time I ever hit
a woman I didn't love. Wow.

Come on! Come on! Get back on your feet!
I believe in you!

I'm doin' it, Moe!
Not you.

Oh, thank God.
The pressure's off.

I'll save you,
Marge!

Hit my mom, will ya?

Well, I'm gonna knock you out
and moon your corpse.

Heck, I'll fight anyone.

Except a man
my own size.

That's... my... son.

Tap out!

Don't make me
break your arm!

Lady, why don't you break out
the lipstick and kiss my ass?

There sure is a lot o' talkin'
for a professional fight.

Eh, that's what you get
when you fight a woman.

And they spend all day eating bonbons
and watching General Hospital.

Which, by the way,
has never been better.

Okay, I give! I give! I give!
You're better than me!

Really?
Ooh, thank you.

- Now, let me go...
- Turn your back and take a bow.

Okeydoke.

Thank you!

I'd just like to say one thing.

I only agreed to this fight because
I wanted to stop the violence.

And sure I got into great
shape And met some fun people,

but I ended up discovering
my own dark side.

So from now on,
the only thing I'm fighting

is this cold I'm coming down with.

Mom, that's
a beautiful thought.

I wish somebody would've
stuck around to hear it.

Where did they all go?

Two drunk guys were fighting
outside and everyone went to watch.

Ooh, ooh, can I go, Marge?
Can I? Can I?

No. Let's go home.

We can enjoy some mixed
"marital" arts.

Oh, no holds barred.

- Hey, Lise....
- Yeah?

I don't know when we'll
be in a septagon again.

When we'll want to settle this bad blood
that's been going on between us since you were born?

You're on.