The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 2, Episode 20 - The War of the Simpsons - full transcript

Homer must decide which is more important: completing counseling to save his marriage or skipping out to catch a legendary catfish. Meanwhile, at home, Bart and Lisa take advantage of Grampa's ignorance of the house rules.

CHOIR SINGS:
The Simpsons

War Of The Simpsons

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[LISA PLAYS SAXOPHONE SOLO]

D'oh!

HOMER:
Mmm! ''Hors doovers. ''

-Homer! You promised.
-That I wouIdn't eat? Never. You Iie.

PIease! We've never thrown a party.

We'II pay back those
who invited us to their homes.

What about that bash
with champagne. . .



. . .and musicians and hoIy men?

-That was our wedding!
-Oh.

It's time for bed.

-I want to hear your witty banter.
-You can't have fun in bed.

Oh, son, when you're oIder,
you'II know better.

Oh, baby.
Mmm! Yeah.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-They're here!
-How do I Iook?

-GIasses?
-Gag ice cubes?

-Put a record on. ChiIdren, go!
-What are their names?

-Hi.
-PIease come in.

You Iook sweII. And the house!
You've done. . . . Whatever!

Anybody mind if I serve as bartender?
I have a Ph.D. in mixoIogy.

CoIIege boy.



Care to try my
FIanders pIanter's punch?

Why not? I paid for it.

Next time put a IittIe aIcohoI in it.

It has three shots of rum,
a jigger of bourbon. . .

. . .and a IittIe
cr?me de cassis for fIavor.

WeII, I do have a warm sense of
weII-being, and I'm sIurring my words.

-Give me another.
-Go easy on the aIcohoI.

Remember when you threw up
in the Iaundry hamper?

No.

Hi! You're Homer's sister-in-Iaw,
right? I remember you.

But I don't remember you
being so beautifuI.

[CRYING IN PAIN AND BURPING ]

A new kind of Mace?
ReaIIy painfuI.

Oh, Dr. Hibbert.
Enjoying the party?

Not reaIIy. Someone sIipped
one of those noveIty ice cubes. . .

. . .with a fake fIy in my drink.

-You feII for it!
-Homer. . .

. . .these ice cubes are made from
highIy toxic chemicaIs.

A reaI fIy is more sanitary.

The Iook on your face.
It's priceIess!

-Bart! Come here.
-What?

-You're a IittIe monkey, aren't you?
-Yes, sir.

-Do that cute thing you do.
-What?

-That thing you know how to do.
-What?

Go to bed.

Everybody!

Look! I'm the funniest guy
in the worId!

Oh, Homer! You're the king.

I've been wanting to teII
you off for years. . .

. . .but I never had the nerve.

I don't know you. Our wives
are friends. We just met.

You stink!

You and your whoIe Iousy
operation stinks. I quit!

-Gee, don't quit.
-AII right.

CouId you. . .

. . .give me a. . .

-. . .handfuI of peanuts, Maude?
-Oh, sure.

Not those peanuts.

-The ones at the bottom.
-Oh, okay.

Thanks for inviting me.
I had a great time.

I apoIogize for my husband.

If you want him to Iive,
roII him onto his stomach.

Thanks, I wiII, Dr. Hibbert.

Remember, I said ''if. ''

I have never been so embarrassed
in my Iife!

Why? What did you do?

[VACUUM RUNS]

Marge!

Come here.

-Where are we going?
-Shh!

I don't want the kids to hear. I
aIways hated hearing my parents fight.

-They're fighting again.
-That music gives me the chiIIs.

Do you remember the way you acted
at the party?

The way I acted?

I must get out of these wet
cIothes and into a dry martini.

-WeII said.
-Thank you.

-A fIy!
-I put it there.

-You did?
-I sIipped it in.

-Pure hiIarity!
-Pure Homer!

The most whimsicaI jape
of the season.

Homer, I Iike to think that there's
no Iine you couId cross. . .

. . .that couId make me not Iove you.

But Iast night, you didn't just cross
that Iine, you threw up on it.

Can't we just forget it
and go to church?

I'm going aIone.
You stay here and expIain to Bart. . .

-. . .why you scarred him for Iife.
-No, I didn't! I--

Oh. You mean inside, don't you?

You might have noticed Daddy acting
strange and probabIy don't know why.

-You were wasted.
-I didn't know when to say when.

I just hope you didn't Iose
respect for me.

I have as much respect for you
as I ever did or ever wiII.

Before a preview
of next week's sermon. . .

. . .I have some announcements to make.
We have some new pamphIets. . .

. . .incIuding ''Satan's Boners'' . . .

. . . ''Good Grief,
More Satan's Boners,'' and. . .

. . .for teens, ''It's Not CooI To
Fry In HeII. ''

Marge? Marge?

[HOMER'S SHOES SQUEAKING ]

The Lord and I can't compete
with the squeaking. . .

. . .of Homer's shoes. Why don't we
wait untiI he sits?

-Sorry.
-Sit down.

We wiII be hoIding our
third annuaI marriage retreat. . .

. . .at Catfish Lake.

CounseIing for coupIes whose
marriages are hanging by a thread. . .

. . .or those in need of a tune-up.
To participate. . .

. . .pIease sign up in the Iobby.

WiII the Simpsons be attending?

Oh, weII. It's very tempting.
A wonderfuI idea--

Marge! What are you doing?
Are you insane?!

Give me that penciI!

-We'II be there.
-D'oh!

Marriage encounter,
here I come!

-You want to go?
-They're hoIding it at Catfish Lake.

They couIdn't caII it that
if it didn't have a catfish in it.

We're going to give our marriage
a tune-up. No fishing.

That's the babysitter.
I'm Mrs. Simpson.

Simpson? Simpson?

Come back for more, eh?

No! What--?

Where are we supposed to get a sitter?

If we can't find a babysitter, we
can't go! What a kick in the teeth.

Why do you need a sitter?
I'm 1 0 1 /2!

Mom! No.

-I'II give you a taste of me hand.
-No!

-Grampa?
-Hey! Who? What?

-CouId you do something?
-I can dress myseIf.

CouId you babysit
the kids this weekend?

-I wouIdn't ask, except I'm desperate.
-Sure.

Last resort. OId Grampa, the feeb.

The guy who can't be counted on
for nothing, nohow.

Everyone's against me.

I'II do it.

Just putting a few things
in the trunk.

If Maggie gets sick,
caII here.

If she sticks her finger
in a socket, here.

If she drinks cIeanser--

-Give me the Iist! I can read.
-AII right. Goodbye.

And behave yourseIves.

-CaII this number if he faIIs.
-I heard that!

Bye, Dad, Mom!

Grampa, Mom forgot to give you this.

It's a Iist of the things Lisa
and I can and can't do.

Uh-huh.

You can smoke cigars?

HOMER:
Mmm, bait!

Better get some gas.

FiII her up.
I guess I'II go stretch my Iegs.

-Where to?
-Catfish Lake.

-After GeneraI Sherman?
-Who's GeneraI Sherman?

The biggest catfish around.
Weighs over 500 pounds.

-Who says that?
-They do.

Oh.

That's the onIy picture of him.
Can't see what he is.

He's freakishIy big, though.

GentIemen, I am going to catch
GeneraI Sherman.

Oh, my!

We'II go to the video store,
grab a burger. . .

. . .and head for the arcade.

Grampa's an oId man
who trusts us.

-Is it right to take advantage of him?
-In these crazy times. . .

. . .who knows what's right
or wrong? My gut's teIIing me:

BIeed Gramps dry.

Mr. and Mrs. Simpson.
WeIcome.

HeIIo.
We're gIad we couId come.

-Hi, HeIen.
-Hi.

Homer. Here to give your
marriage a IittIe spit shine?

None of your business.
Say, Reverend. . .

-. . .are we gonna do any fishing?
-Oh, I'm afraid not.

A marriage can't be reconciIed
in a few hours. It takes a weekend.

Bait our hooks with honesty.
That way a happy marriage. . .

-. . .won't get away.
-I see.

I aIso understand bowIing.

Our best turnout yet. Why doesn't
everyone introduce themseIves and. . .

. . .teII us why they're here?
John? GIoria?

My name's GIoria.
I'm here because Johnny. . .

. . .hasn't been abIe to
cut it, manwise, for some time.

Not that I'd want his odor of
sour defeat pressed against me.

-That's enough!
-Thank you.

Why don't you teII us
about why you're here?

She keeps a fiIthy house
and taIks profaneIy.

-She's the Queen of the Harpies!
-No, I'm not.

-Here's your crown, Your Majesty!
-Get away from me!

You've come to the right pIace.
First, Iook into each others' eyes.

Your eyes! I forgot
how beautifuI they are.

-Let's never fight.
-We were fooIs.

-Let's not taIk about that.
-Let's not taIk at aII!

Remember my saving your Iives
when we pass the coIIection pIate.

AII right.
Ned, Maude, what brings you here?

-WeII. . . .
-Go on, Neddie.

Sometimes Maude underIines
passages in my BibIe. . .

-. . .because she can't find hers.
-Lucky you don't keep guns.

-Homer, why are you here?
-Oh. . . .

-Because I Iooked down her dress.
-No, no.

Marge wiII teII us aII your fauIts.
TeII us about hers.

-She's perfect.
-What are her fauIts?

-It can be annoying.
-Homer. . . .

-You'II get your turn.
-I'm done.

Okay. Marge.

WeII. . . .

It's not that I don't Iove the guy.
I'm aIways sticking up for him.

-It's just that he's seIf-centered.
-Wait!

Now, Homer.

He forgets birthdays,
anniversaries, hoIidays.

He chews with his mouth open,
he gambIes.

He hangs out at a seedy bar
with IowIifes.

-It's true. It's aII true. Sorry.
-Don't interrupt.

He bIows his nose on toweIs
and puts them back.

OnIy a coupIe of times.

ChocoIate,
chocoIate brownie fudge.

-ChocoIate-chocoIate chip.
-Check.

-Did she reaIIy write that Iist?
-What a question!

-Next?
-Syrup.

-AisIe six.
-AII right. But put out that cigar.

MARGE: He drinks out of the carton.
He never changes the baby.

When he sIeeps he makes
chewing noises.

And when he wakes up
he makes honking noises.

Oh, and he scratches himseIf
with his keys. I guess that's it.

Wait. He kicks me in his sIeep and
his toenaiIs are Iong and yeIIow.

That's aII I can think of.
You're aII tired.

I want to thank you for Ietting me
get it off my chest.

We missed the Iuau.
Let's caII it a night.

But I can 't avenge my partner's
death with this peashooter.

That cannon of yours
is against regulations!

In this department
we go by the book.

-Bye, book.
-AII right!

Kids, it's Iate.

You shouId go to bed.
We've had a big day.

Wise guy.
LittIe smart aIeck. . . .

I can't kid myseIf.
I'm having an ethicaI crisis.

Out at 5. Catch Sherman at 5:30.
CIean him at 6.

Eat him by 6:30. Back in bed by 7
with no incriminating evidence.

-The perfect crime.
-Homer?

You're going fishing?
I can't beIieve your seIfishness.

You can go fishing anytime.
But we're here to save our marriage.

You're thinking about fishing
whiIe I'm taIking.

-Can I be honest?
-Yes.

You're right, I am!
HeIp me, Marge.

-What do I do to be a good guy?
-Get back in bed.

AII right.

But I can't sIeep.
Can I take a waIk?

Sure.

Gotta be a good husband.
Gotta be a good husband.

Gotta be a good husband. Hey, kid!
You forgot your--

[HOMER SCREAMS]

Go ahead, GeneraI Sherman!

Waste your strength,
you big, ugIy catfish.

I got a skiIIet and some butter
with your name on it.

Homer?

[HOMER YELLS]

-Sugar?
-Ten, pIease.

-Top me off.
-Does your ma Iet you drink coffee?

For the Iast time, yes!

Come on, give up!

Big bIowout at casa de Simpson.
The onIy aduIt is fraiI.

Bart's joint. Two-ish.
Be there or be square.

TeII my friends? AII right.
But I've got some funky friends.

I get out at noon, and I'm
aIready invited to a party.

Now, this is a trust exercise.

You faII backwards and reIy
on your spouse to catch you.

-Do I have to do this?
-No.

I wouIdn't recommend it.

As a trained marriage counseIor. . .

. . .this is the first time I've toId
a partner they were right.

It's aII his fauIt.

I'm wiIIing to put that
on a certificate.

Over there, send the word
Send the word over there

[HUMS]

[MUSIC BLASTS]

Okay. You're probabIy
wondering why I'm stiII here.

You'II make me
the most famous fisherman ever.

Right up there with that. . .

. . .the. . .

. . .the baId guy in the cabIe
fishing show.

Whoa!

HoIy mackereI!

Good to see you.
What's up?

-Any chicks over 8?
-Not yet, but the afternoon is young.

-What's wrong?
-It's obvious.

We've set back the chiIdrens'
rights movement for decades.

You're reaIIy great.

Hey, you! You!
Shut that door! Put that away!

No! Stop! Oh!

-You want me to take off my beIt?
-Yeah.

AII right, I'II show you.

Doggone it!

I Iove you!
But I must kiII you!

Thanks for coming.
Nice tie, NeIson.

It's your dad's.

I tried to be a good babysitter,
but I faiIed.

I'm a feeb.

A useIess, oId, worn out. . . .

I have this unpIeasant
feeIing I've never had before.

It's remorse, you burIesque
of irrepressibIe youth.

-How do you make it go away?
-Grab a brush. . .

. . .and cIean faster
than you ever have before.

[LAUGHS]

I am the champion
I am the champion

No time for losers
cuz I am the champion...

...of the world!

Hi, honey.

-How's the retreat?
-I thought our marriage. . .

. . .was in troubIe.
But never this much troubIe.

-How can--?
-You don't know what this means.

This fish represents a better Iife
for us. It makes me a hero.

-To who?
-Those weirdos in the store!

-This fish shows how seIfish you are!
-Then I'II throw it back!

-Oh, yeah, sure.
-Watch!

Wow! I did it.

I gave up fame and breakfast
for my marriage.

I fought it for six hours.
One word and I toss it back.

You're teIIing me our marriage
is in troubIe?

-Come here, baby!
-Oh, Homer.

Ew! Ew.

-We're back!
-How's the marriage?

Same as usuaI.
Perfectomundo.

The house Iooks wonderfuI!
What's your secret?

Pretending to cry.

That's right! You heard me!
Pretending to cry!

I can turn it on
and off Iike a faucet.

''I'm crying. I'm so sad. ''

-Way to go, Grampa.
-I'II never trust another oId person.

I fooIed you!
So Iong, suckers!

Yep, GeneraI Sherman. They say he's
500 pounds of bottom-dweIIing fury.

No one knows how oId he is,
but if you ask me, he's 1 00.

-No one's caught him?
-One came cIose.

His name was Homer.
Seven feet tall.

Arms like tree trunks.
Eyes like steel, cold and hard.

Had a shock of hair, red.
Like the fires of hell.

Shh.

SubtitIes by
SDI Media Group

[ENGLISH SDH]