The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 2, Episode 21 - Three Men and a Comic Book - full transcript

Bart, Milhouse and Martin each pitch in to buy an expensive comic book, which soon has a disastrous effect on their friendship.

CHOIR SINGS:
The Simpsons

Three Men And A Comic Book

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[LISA PLAYS SAXOPHONE SOLO]

Hurry, Mom!
AII the good comics wiII be gone!

Good comics?
You onIy buy Casper the Wimpy Ghost.

Equating friendIiness
with wimpiness. . .

. . .wiII keep you
from achieving popuIarity.

I think Casper's the ghost
of Richie Rich.

LISA: They do Iook aIike.
BART: How did Richie die?



Perhaps his materiaIism
Ied him to take his Iife.

Kids, couId you Iighten up?

Now Radioactive Man ruIes!
He's aIways saying something cooI.

-He's no wittier than others.
-Oh, yeah? Look.

BART: He knocks a guy into the sun
and says, ''Hot enough for you?''

I stand corrected.

We're here.

-Too bad we didn't dress up.
-This Iooks Iike a discount for. . .

. . .Bartman!

-Who are you dressed as?
-I'm Bartman.

-Never heard of him, fuII price.
-Rip-off.

MAYOR QUIMBY: Is this on?
ChiIdren of SpringfieId. . .

. . .weIcome to our
funny-book convention.

Thank you for pumping aImost $300
into the IocaI economy.



[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

Your spirits have imparted a gIow
to this oId warhorse.

I feeI Iike Radiation Man!

That's Radioactive Man, jerk!

I stand corrected.

Have fun and be sure to cIear out
by 6 for the Shriners.

Get that punk's name.
No one makes a fooI of me.

Has anyone turned in
a Ieft VuIcan ear?

We've got a utiIity beIt, tricorders,
a Iight saber. . . . Sorry, kid.

-Hey, Bart-dude.
-Hey, Otto-man. What's that?

My own idea for a comic book.

It's about a dude
who drives a schooI bus by day. . .

. . .but by night, fights vampires
in a postapocaIyptic war zone!

We're going to see Buddy Hodges.

The guy who pIayed FaIIout Boy on TV?
I guess he wasn't kiIIed in Vietnam.

Laramie cigarettes give me the steady
nerves I need to combat evil.

Wish I was old enough
to smoke Laramies.

Sorry, Fallout Boy, not until
you're 1 6. Look out!

Will Radioactive Man act
in time to save the Earth?

You know, kids, I'm sure we'd aII Iike
to remember Dirk Richter. . .

. . .as Radioactive Man and not
the sordid detaiIs of his finaI years.

So keep the questions tastefuI.

Now, how about a big weIcome
for Buddy ''FaIIout Boy'' Hodges!

-Any questions?
-When Radioactive Man got injected. . .

. . .with shrinking serum,
how come his costume shrinks?

Who knows? I did pIay Rum Tum Tugger
in Cats. Anybody see it?

-FaIIout Boy!
-Yes, you, the masked boy.

Does Dirk Richter's ghost haunt the
bordeIIo where his body was found?

Dirk Richter was a beautifuI man.
Can't you vuItures Ieave him aIone?

Hey, Radioactive Man Number 72!

NELSON: It's the imaginary taIe
where he marries Larva GirI.

BART: Wow, Number 9! That's before
FaIIout Boy became his ward.

I'II show you something. . .

. . .if you'II put your grubby
IittIe hands behind your back. BehoId.

Wow, Radioactive Man Number 1 !
I bet it's worth a miIIion bucks.

COMIC BOOK GUY: It is.
But I'II Iet you have it for 1 00.

-AII I got is 30.
-Then you can't have it.

But I must. I never knew why God
put me on this Earth. Now, I know.

-To buy that comic.
-Your emotion is out of pIace.

Did you kids have fun?

Yeah. For a doIIar, a man soId me
35 Caspers and a dozen Lois Lanes. 0

I never knew what Superman saw in her.
Give me Wonder Woman.

And that goIden Iariat.
She can tie me up any time.

[BARKS, HOWLS]

-Homer!
-Just kidding, Marge.

Hey, what does everyone say to dinner
at Krusty Burger? My treat!

You reaIIy are a sport, Dad, taking us
to a fine restaurant Iike that.

-What are you getting at?
-I need $ 1 00 for a comic.

For a comic?
Who drew it, Micha-maIangeIo?

-Dad, I want this more than anything.
-WeII, T.S.

-PIease, Dad.
-No.

No! Look, we aII know that usuaIIy
when you bug me I give in.

I'm not mad at you.
Shows you been paying attention.

But we aII know
I'm not giving you $ 1 00.

-Now, are you gonna stop bugging me?
-No.

-Are you? Are you? Are you?
-No. No. No.

-Okay!
-I win!

In your face! Yeah!
How do you Iike them appIes?

Don't gIoat, Homer.

When I was your age, I wanted a
chiId-sized eIectric Iight buIb oven.

I didn't have the money.
So, I went to my sisters.

-We'II give you haIf our aIIowance.
-If you'II be our sIave.

-This gives us more free time.
-Let's take up smoking.

MARGE NARRATES : For months,
I worked while my sisters smoked.

Venus

Oh, Venus

We want those dress shieIds
hand-washed and drip-dried.

MARGE NARRATES:
Because I'd worked for it...

...all those light bulb-warmed treats
always tasted extra good.

Maybe a job is the answer.

I couIdn't ask you to do that.
Maggie and Lisa are a handfuI--

-She means you shouId get a job.
-Me?

NARRATOR:
Get a job? Were they serious?

I didn 't realize it, but a part of my
childhood had slipped away, forever.

-What are you staring at?
-Nothing.

NARRATOR: At that moment, my dad
and I were closer than we've ever--

-Bart! Stop it.
-Sorry.

I need some money
A lot of money

Empty bottIes.
WeII, it's practicaIIy empty.

Here you go, Apu.

ShaII I appIy this to the cost
of a squishy?

-No. I need the dime.
-It is good you're Iearning a trade.

-Americanize this.
-Okay.

AII those coins
were worth three cents?

Let the good times roII.

This is so humiIiating.
I feeI Iike such a geek.

-How's it going, Bart?
-TerribIe. No one's buying.

Maybe you need to pIay
on their sympathies more. Let's see.

Now you Iook pathetic.

Ha-ha!

Lemonade sucks. I need a new product.
Let's see.

Form a Iine.
Cheap beer and a sympathetic ear.

Hey, Bart, couId you give me one
on credit?

-Beat it.
-You got a Iiquor Iicense?

-My dog ate it.
-Gotta have one to seII beer.

Writing tickets must make you thirsty.
Have a coupIe on the house.

-Seeing that it's a first offense. . . .
-We can overIook this.

So Iong, officers.

-Uh-oh.
-Hey, what's aII the--?

My beer, my beer, my beautifuI beer!

MARGE: He's desperate.
He wants money to buy a comic book.

A comic book?
Boys never change.

-Which one? Nazi Smasher?
-I don't think so.

Send him over to my house.
I've got a few chores he couId do.

He can mix whitewash, right?

-Mrs. GIick?
-You must be Bert Simpson.

Looks Iike you've got
a strong young back.

Do you want something to eat?

I've got dried apricots,
aImond paste, sauerkraut candy.

-No, thanks. Who's that?
-That's my brother, Asa.

He was kiIIed in the Great War.
HeId a grenade too Iong.

This one's for you Kaiser BiII,
from the boys in D Company:

Johnny, Harrison, BrookIyn Bob,
and yeah, even Reggie.

He ain't so stuck-up--

[EXPLODES]

Here, have some ribbon candy.
Boys Iove candy.

-No, thanks.
-Boys Iove candy!

-I'd rather get to work.
-We'II start with yard work.

Then you can have a barIey pop.

I want you to cIear out aII the weeds.
You do know which ones are weeds?

-AII of them?
-Good boy.

Now be carefuI with these.
I'II be inside, watching my stories.

Ow!

-Jack, please. I'm married.
-That must be what's turning me on.

Stop it. Some more.

FiIthy, but genuineIy arousing.

-Finished.
-MercifuI heavens, you're bIeeding!

I'II get the iodine.

Iodine.

-Now don't fidget.
-Listen, Iady, you don't have to--

[SCREAMS]

They've never improved on iodine.

Hi, Mom.

-Did you make any money?
-No, but I'm in a Iot of pain.

What you're doing for Mrs. GIick
is very nice.

-She doesn't have anybody.
-There's a reason.

The sIudge certainIy coIIects around
those downspouts, don't it?

I'II sIudge you, you oId bat.

Today, we wash BeuIah.
Do you know what that is?

Some oId Iady thing nobody's heard
about for 50 years?

It was my wedding dress.

But then, I dyed it bIack
and it became my mourning dress.

Great story, Iady.

Last night, I dreamed I heId you
in my arms.

No, not the iodine.

Burn the germs off with a torch.
Amputate my arm. But not the--

[SCREAMS]

WeII, it's payday. I'II wager you've
been Iooking forward to this.

-Yes, ma'am.
-Here we are, two quarters.

-Two quarters?
-You deserve every penny.

I've toId my girIfriends about you
and they have chores too.

-Two quarters!
-Bart, you didn't say thank you.

I can Ieave without screaming
or saying a bad word.

-But I'm not saying thank you.
-You're weIcome.

AII right, off you go to spend it
on penny whistIes and MoonPies.

-MoonPies, my butt.
-What's the probIem, boy?

I busted my hump aII week
and aII I got was 50 cents.

When I was your age,
50 cents was a Iot of money.

-ReaIIy?
-No.

I did everything I couId
and I've onIy got 35 bucks.

I'm done working.
Working's for chumps.

I'm proud of you. I was twice your age
before I figured that out.

-Can I have it for $40?
-40 bucks? Forget it!

It's aII I've got. I soId seeds.
I visited my aunt in the nursing home.

-I fished a dime out of the sewer!
-No way. What do you want?

-Can I have it for 35.
-No! Kids.

I don't need this.
I've got a master's degree in foIkIore.

Do you have the CarI Yastrzemski
basebaII card from 1 973?

Show me the 30 bucks, and if you
ain't got it, I ain't getting up.

Martin, if you, MiIhouse and I went
in together. . .

. . .we couId buy Radioactive Man
Number 1 right now!

-Wow!
-Wow!

-Here you go.
-I don't want it.

We've got $ 1 00, and we'd Iike
to buy Radioactive Man.

Why don't you just waddIe over
and get it?

Yes, sir!

Wow. Breathe it in, boys.

-This is the stuff dreams are made of.
-It smeIIs Iike my grandpa.

Looks Iike rain.
We better get this baby home.

Uh-oh.

Looks Iike you bought more
than you bargained for. Ha, ha, ha!

RADIOACTIVE MAN NARRATES:
My pants, caught on barbed wire!

Good Lord, choke, an A-bomb!

Becoming radioactive.

From this day forward,
I shall call myself Radioactive Man.

MILHOUSE:
So, that's how it happened.

I'd have thought an atomic bomb
wouId kiII him.

-Now you know better.
-Turn the page, Bart.

BART:
CarefuI, carefuI. . . .

You guys can come read it anytime.

-Why not keep it at my house?
-That's crazy.

-It's ours as much as it's yours.
-How about this?

Each one of us wiII get it
for two days of the week.

Wait a minute,
that stiII Ieaves one day.

Yeah, what about that?

For that day,
we'II use a random number generator.

I'II take 1 to 3,
MiIhouse wiII have 4 to 6. . .

. . .and Bart wiII take 7 to 9.

-Wait a minute, what about zero?
-Yeah, what about zero?

In the event of a zero. . .

. . .possession wiII be determined
by Rock, Scissor, Paper.

-Okay.
-ExceIIent.

WeII, today being my Saturday,
I guess I'II be taking my comic.

Nice try. It aImost worked,
but tonight the comic book stays here.

-If the comic book stays, then so do I.
-Me too.

Fine.
We'II aII stay with the comic book.

It'II be Iike a sIeepover.

That's what paIs do, right?
ReaI friendIy-Iike.

-I wanna read it again.
-Nice try.

Acids in your hand couId damage it.
We want it to Iast forever. . .

. . .so the Iast one aIive
can be buried with it.

-What do you mean, the Iast one aIive?
-I meant years from now!

-Bart, don't push him.
-So you're both against me.

WeII, nobody makes a sap out of
BarthoIomew J. Simpson.

-Quit!
-You quit!

No, you quit!

WouId you boys Iike some miIk
and microwave s'mores?

Thank you, Mrs. Simpson.

Sweet dreams, boys.

-One more step and you're dead.
-I have to go to the bathroom.

-So do I, but I'm not getting up.
-Hey, what's going on?

-Martin was trying to steaI our comic.
-Let's tie him up!

-Is this how you treat your guests?
-Quiet.

-We'II take turns watching him.
-Okay, I'II go first.

So that's your IittIe game.
Let Bart get nice and drowsy. . .

. . .then, when his back's turned:
wham!

You're crazy.
I'm teIIing your mom!

-TeII him what we do with squeaIers.
-It's worse than when you have to pee?

-You can't stop me!
-The heII I can't.

MARGE: Homer, it's reaIIy coming down.
CouId you check on the boys?

They're fine.

Bart, the comic!

Don't Iet go of me, Bart!

It's not that far to the ground.
The rains probabIy softened it up.

If you hadn't tied me up,
I couId be saving the comic.

Shut up! Shut up!

HeIp me!
I didn't even want the comic!

I wanted CarI Yastrzemski
with the big sideburns!

Better come inside.
You'II get the sniffIes.

Aw, Mom.

Now, come on. You can pIay
your IittIe tie-up game inside.

I've got some cocoa on the stove.
Who wants imitation marshmaIIows?

I'd raise my hand if I couId.

D'oh!

It's no use, feIIows.

Another comic book has returned
to the earth from whence it came.

We worked so hard
and now it's aII gone.

We ended up with nothing
because we can't share.

-What's your point?
-Nothing. It just ticks me off.

RADIOACTIVE MAN NARRATES:
The world is safe, but for how long?

Shh!

SubtitIes by
SDI Media Group

[ENGLISH SDH]