The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment - full transcript

-Evening, Carver of Graven Images.
-Homer the Thief. How's business?

Been a little slow.
Not much to steal in the desert.

Do not worry. We'll be wandering
out here another two weeks, tops.

Zohar the Adulterer.
My wife sends her regards.

-Yes, she's a good woman. Very good.
-Thank you, my lusty friend.

-Moses is back.
-Quick! Everybody, look busy.

The Lord has handed down to us
10 commandments by which to live.

I will read them
in no particular order.

-"Thou shalt not make graven images."
-Oh, my God!

-"Thou shalt not commit adultery."
-Well, looks like the party's over.

Hey, Moses. Keep them coming!



"Thou shalt not steal."

Sorry, Homer.

That's the most dishonest thing I've
ever heard! I should box your ears!

-You sneaky Pete!
-Easy, tiger.

You, easy. Get off my property!

Flanders, who put that bug
up your butt?

I wanted to subscribe to the
arts and crafts channel.

They sent this man to install it.
You know what he did?

He offered to hook me up illegally
to every channel for $50.

Boy, what's this world coming to?

-That's exactly--
-Gotta go.

Hey, stop, cable man!
Stop!

-What do you want?
-I want free cable!

This is okay.
Everybody does it, right?



What? If you're having second
thoughts, read this.

"So You've Decided
to Steal Cable."

"Myth: Cable piracy is wrong.

Fact: Cable companies are faceless
corporations which makes it okay."

The clown that will last
a lifetime.

Cable. It's more wonderful
than I dared hope!

Don't you hate it
when you go to the toilet...

...and there's no toilet paper?

It's funny because it's true!

Oh, hey! Family! Family, come here.

I have an announcement to make.
The Simpsons have cable!

Cable?!

Right. 68 channels.
MTV for the kids.

VH1 for us. 1600 hours
of quality programming every day.

We've talked about cable before.
You think we can afford it?

Nothing a month?
Yeah, I think we can swing that.

Is this legal?

Don't worry.
Look at this.

"Myth: It's only fair to pay for
quality first-run movies."

Fact: Most movies on cable
get two stars or less...

"...and are repeated ad nauseam."

-I don't know.
-Marge.

Hear Me Roar,
the network for women.

We'll teach you to lower your
bill by making your own Band-Aids.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Before we begin, you'll need
5 yards of sterilized cotton.

Pro wrestling from Mexico.
Down there, it's a real sport.

This is where Jaws eats the boat.

Here, Die Hard
jumps through the window.

This is where Wall Street
gets arrested.

If I could call your attention
to the Subsidy Appropriations...

...Override Bill.
I refer you to page 4500--

They think people watch that.

Live, from New Orleans. This is the
World Series of Cockfighting!

Son of a gun, we'll have big fun
on the bayou tonight.

We'd get there quicker
if I drove my dad's car.

-Aren't you ready for church, Homer?
-Huh? What? Okay.

Today's Christian doesn't think
he needs God.

He thinks he's got it made.
He's got his hi-fi. His boob tube.

And his instant pizza pie.

Oh, pizza.

Children, I don't want you to get
frightened but I must teach you this.

Today's topic will be hell.

I sat through mercy and forgiveness.
Finally, we get to the good stuff.

Hell is terrible! Maggots are
your sheet, worms your blanket.

There's a lake of fire burning
with sulfur. You'll be tormented.

If you actually saw hell, you'd be
so frightened you would die.

-Miss Albright?
-Yes.

-Won't you eventually get used to it?
-No.

-Yes.
-Are there pirates in hell?

-Thousands of them.
-Oh, baby!

So there's a downside
to the afterlife.

How does one steer
clear of this?

By obeying the 10 Commandments.

Ten simple rules
that are easy to live by.

-What did you children learn about?
-Hell.

I sure as hell can't tell you we
learned about hell...

-...unless I say "hell."
-He has a point.

Hell, yes!

Hell, hell, hell, hell....

Bart! You're no longer in
Sunday school. Don't swear.

Hey, anybody up for a little
so-called pay-TV?

-Are you sure this isn't stealing?
-Read the pamphlet.

Hello, I'm Troy McClure.

You may remember me from Cry Yuma
and Here Comes the Coast Guard!

I'd like to talk about a candy that
cleans and straightens your teeth!

A program-length advertisement!

Wait a minute. I'm confused.
Did you say "cleans and straightens"?

There's no confusion.
Just good science.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.

-Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody!
-Hi, Dr. Riviera!

Now, could I have a volunteer?
Somebody with crooked, yellow teeth.

Come on, Lisa.
Watch a little cable with us.

It won't cost you a thing.

Except your soul!

-What's gotten into Lisa?
-Beats the hell out of me!

-What are you doing?
-What do you mean?

-Remember the 8th commandment?
-Of course.

Thou shalt not....
Covet...

...graven images.
Something about covet.

Thou shalt not steal!

Anything else?

Yes. I ate two grapes.
Please charge me for them.

Two grapes? Who cares?

-Just charge me something, please.
-Okay.

I need a price check on two grapes.
You heard me, Phil.

Two measly, stinking grapes.

If you didn't catch it
in the theater or rent it...

... we've got it!
On the Blockbuster Channel!

Why is the world
a cesspool of corruption?

Oh, great. All right,
what makes you say that?

In Sunday school we learned
stealing is a sin.

But everybody does it.
We're stealing cable.

-Did you pay for your breakfast?
-No.

-Did you pay for your clothes?
-No, I didn't.

Run for the hills, Ma Barker,
before I call the feds!

-I think that's pretty spurious.
-Well, thank you, honey.

Friday night, live.
The ultimate matchup.

The bout to knock
the other guy out.

Watson-Tatum Two.
This time it's for money!

-Oh, boy!
-Only on the Blockbuster Channel.

How can one little insulated wire
bring so much happiness?

Big fight coming up.

Wanna come over and
listen to it on the radio?

Okay. After the fight, we can
watch the still photos on the news.

Not too shabby!
What do you say?

We could do that, yeah.

Or we could go over to my house
and watch it live on cable TV!

-Get off!
-You're kidding me!

Pass the pumice, please.

He's Homer from sector 7-G.

Excellent. I'm so keen on seeing
Watson vs. Tatum Two...

...I'd even go to an employee's house.
I can picture it now.

The screen door resting off
its hinges.

Mangy dog staggering about
looking vainly for a place to die.

-May I speak frankly?
-Yes.

-You are quite wealthy.
-Thank you. Your candor is refreshing.

Why don't you pay for
the fight yourself?

The big fight is one of those rare
occasions that I savor the sights...

...the sounds and the smells
of other men.

You haven't lost the common touch.

-So, Homer, I hear you got the fight.
-That's right.

-8:00, my place. Come one, come all.
-All right.

Moe, how come you never got
cable for the bar?

Well, it was either cable
or the mechanical bull.

I made my choice and I stand by it.

-Somebody's having a party.
-Friday night. Wanna come over?

No, thanks. I'm open 24 hours.
It puts great demands on my time.

Too bad.
It'll be a great fight.

The fight! I'll get my brother,
Sanjay, to cover for me.

He deplores violence.

If a man takes bread to feed his
starving family, that's stealing?

No. It is if he puts anything
on it. Jelly, for example.

I see.

You're here for a reason.
Is your father stealing bread?

I don't watch him every minute.
But we're getting cable for free.

I'm afraid that is stealing.
I think you must do something.

-Should I have him arrested?
-That seems like an ideal solution.

But remember the 5th commandment:
"Honor thy father and thy mother."

I would like to see you
set an example by not watching...

-...the offending technology yourself.
-Thank you.

You're watching Top Hat Entertainment.
Adult programming all day, every day.

Except in Florida and Utah.
Coming up next, Stardust Mammaries.

-Ay, carumba!
-Bart!

-Here's what I was looking for.
-Blue chips closed up 3 3/4.

Oil service stocks slumped....

You shouldn't watch
that other channel.

It's for mommies and daddies
who love each other.

-Promise me you won't ever watch it.
-Okay.

-Promise me.
-I promise I won't watch it.

-Good boy.
-Hi, Dad.

Stealing cable is wrong,
so I'm not watching it...

...in the hope that others will
follow my example. Thank you.

Hey, Lisa. Racing from Belmont?
Horsies!

Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.

There's something wrong
with that kid. She's so moral.

Why can't she be more like...?
Well, not like Bart.

-But there's gotta be a happy medium.
-Well, you know....

Bart was looking at that
racy movie.

And Lisa is losing
a little respect for you.

Maybe we should think about
unhooking the cable.

-Unhook it? But I love cable!
-Then you should pay for it.

I can't afford it. When I can
afford to pay for it, I will.

But I can't
so I'm not going to.

Cable has become an evil presence
in our home.

Marge, I never put my foot down
about anything.

But I'm severely tempted
to do it.

-No.
-I'm sorry, it's coming down.

-No.
-It's coming down. That's it!

It's coming down! The cable stays.
The foot has spoken.

-Lemonade? Please.
-Seen it.

-Cleans and straightens--
-Seen it.

-Seen it.
-I was poor.

Soccer. Seen it.

-Simpson.
-How did you get in?

Your door wasn't locked well enough.

Would you be interested
in this stereo? A $500 value.

You can have it for $40.

-Get out! Criminal!
-I'll go see a neighbor.

-He's not home!
-Even better.

You sure about this?
Doesn't look friendly.

Can't be too careful.
Thieves are everywhere.

I'm not talking about
the small, forgivable stuff.

Come one, come all!
Top Hat Theater is on the air!

The most beautiful women! Just 50
cents! I'm your host, Bart Simpson!

You must be at least
8 years old.

And now The Top Hat Channel is
proud to present Broadcast Nudes.

-Gross!
-Yet strangely compelling.

-It's a raid!
-What the--?

I know you. Come back here!

You promised me you wouldn't watch
that trash. Go to your room!

I wish I was an adult
so I could break rules.

Oh, great.

-I brought some imported generic beer.
-Thank you, Barney.

-How many people are coming?
-Just a select circle.

Hello!
I brought an assortment of jerkies.

-Did you swipe those from work?
-Certainly not. What are you implying?

There is no love lost between
these two warriors.

We almost had a scuffle
today at the weigh-in.

You have a special motivation
going into this bout.

I want to dedicate this fight to
my manager, Vinnie, who got me here...

...and then...

-...passed away two weeks ago.
-Any response?

I would also like to dedicate
this fight to this manager.

-You can't!
-I can!

You dedicate the fight
to your manager!

I want to tell you
that I'm not watching this fight.

It's my form of nonviolent protest.

Hi, Homer. I brought you--

Quick! It's Moe.
I gotta hide the mugs.

Will you get--? Hey, go protest
outside, will you? Now!

-Hi. I brought you a mug.
-Thank you.

I always wanted one of these.

Oh! Mr. Burns!

-Hide the stuff I borrowed from work!
-Borrowed?

-Okay, that stuff I stole from work.
-Oh, okay.

Come on! Take all this.
Put it in the closet.

Will you quit staring at me
like that?

Hello. We were in the neighborhood
and thought we'd drop by.

Hello, Mr. Burns.
Like to watch the fight?

The fight! Don't mind if I do.

Oh, Simpson. Good news.
I brought some munchies.

Smithers, the Cheetos.

In but a few scant minutes,
the anticipation--

-Simpson?
-Yes.

-You have an illegal cable hookup.
-No. No, l--

It wasn't me.
It was my wife's idea. Yeah!

Hey, hey, hey.

Settle down, fella.

We were hoping
we could watch the fight.

Oh, sure, sure. Be my guest.

-Here's lemonade for your protest.
-Thanks, Mom.

-It isn't going very well.
-Don't give up.

When you love somebody,
you must have faith...

...that they will do the right thing.

He learned how to fight
in the projects of Capital City...

...and honed his skills while
serving time for assault...

...in Springfield Prison.

All right! A local boy!

For 5 years, I was away from
my kids and their mothers.

The conditions were irrevocable.

Assault. Manslaughter.
Stealing cable TV!

Marge! Lisa! Maggie!

Shake hands. Keep it clean.

Come on, boy!

Excuse me.
I hate to interrupt your judging me.

I've made a couple of
important decisions.

Number one: I'm cutting the cable
when the fight's over.

Number two: I'm not very fond
of any of you.

-Back to the fight.
-Get down!

We may have saved your soul.

Tatum is reeling!

Yeah, at the worst possible time.

Eight! Nine! Ten!

This fight is history!
It's done!

A stunning knockout by a thunderous
punch in the 12th round.

Tatum is the new champion
of the world!

Everyone to my place for
squishies and microwave burritos.

Best fight ever and I missed it.

We're really proud of you.

-What a donnybrook!
-Hogwash!

I once watched Jim Corbett fight an
Eskimo bare-knuckled for 113 rounds!

Back then, if it was less than 50
rounds, we demanded our nickel back!

-Cable clippers.
-Here you go.

-Go for it, Dad.
-I beg you to reconsider.

Tractor pulls. Atlanta Braves
baseball. Joe Franklin!

Third time's a charm.