The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 2, Episode 14 - Principal Charming - full transcript

After attending a co-worker's wedding, Selma begins to fear she will die alone. However, when Homer tries to set her up with Principal Skinner, he falls for Patty instead.

Hey, Homer, did I wake you?

I'm up! I'm up!

I wanted to tell you
about a new BBQ joint.

Oh, BBQ!

It's called Greasy Joe's Bottomless
BBQ Pit.

I can still taste the sauce.
And get this:

-It's all-you-can-eat!
-This is like some beautiful dream!

And one and two and
three and reach...

...and five and six and--

Marge, I've got five words
to say to you.

Greasy Joe's Bottomless BBQ Pit.



You promised you'd only have
six servings of pork a week.

I'm only human. Now look,
here's what we're gonna do:

We'll take the kids to your sisters'
Saturday night.

Then we'll eat till they kick us out!

Saturday night?
I'm not sure they're available.

I'll take that bet.

Hello, Marge.

Saturday, we're going to
Stanley Peterson's wedding.

Although he's going at her
like they're already married.

Hey, alley cats.
Save it for the honeymoon!

Well, if you have other plans....

It's no problem.

We'll leave before they
toss the bouquet.

"F."



"L." No, I'm sorry.
That's a "C, " isn't it?

If that was a car,
you'd be dead now.

-But driving is my livelihood.
-Take it like a man.

Friends, relatives, work-related
acquaintances...

...we are gathered here to join
Stanley and Martha in holy matrimony.

Martha, my dear, I remember
the first day that I met you.

-Hello, Selma.
-Hello, Stanley.

-Is this seat taken?
-Yes!

Hey, beat it!

Had I not chosen that seat,
Martha, my love...

...who knows what woman
I might have ended up with?

Poor Brandy. Aunt Selma?

-Will you ever get married?
-I don't know.

-Why? You know somebody?
-No.

I'm sure you'd resent my pity,
so I'll hope you're...

...one of the statistically small
number of single 40-year-olds...

...who find their fair prince.

Patty! Selma! We're home!

I'll tell you one thing, Greasy Joe
is sorry he ever met me!

Marge, I need to speak with you.

Oh, and that sauce, Barney!
I could have drunk a bowl of it!

No, that's just my sister-in-law.

I'll get right to it.
I'm getting older and uglier.

Please, Marge, help me find a man
before it's too late.

Well, I'll try.

Do you remember when you made us go
to the Bowler's Hall of Fame...

...so you could see that car
shaped like a giant bowling pin?

Remember? Who could forget?

Then you'll also remember
you owe me a favor...

...to be called up whenever
and for whatever reason I desire.

-But that was just an idle promise.
-Not to me!

-I want you to find Selma a husband.
-Find a husband?!

Wait, which one's Selma?

She's the one who likes
Police Academy movies...

...and walking in
the park on autumn days.

I thought she was the one
who didn't like to be touched.

Patty chose celibacy but Selma
simply had it thrust upon her.

-But Marge--
-Homer, you will find her a man!

-Okay.
-And not just any man!

He should be honest and caring
and well-off and handsome!

Why should she have a better
husband than you?

Sodium tetrasulfate is caustic
and can remove your skin.

Say when.

-When!
-What's this for?

It's used in making rayons, film
and as a preservative in fast foods.

-It's also a potent herbicide.
-What's a herbicide?

-It kills grass.
-Excellent.

Must find man.

Must find man.

Must find man.

Boy, a good man really
is hard to find!

According to my sources,
you are simultaneously planning...

...to drop your pencils at 2: 15.
Do so and you will be suspended.

-Who squealed?
-You can't get anything past him.

He knows everything.

Vandalism fans, hold on to your hats.

-He'll never get away with it.
-He just goes too far.

One seafood burrito, Apu.

The time has come
for money to change hands.

Oh, sorry.

Say what they will
about our cafeteria...

...I still think they're the best
Tater Tots money can buy.

Wait a minute...

...that smells like
sodium tetrasulfate...

...bonding with chlorophyll.

Sweet Lord, it is!

Simpson!

Surely you knew that by writing
"Bart" in 40-foot letters...

...you would be caught.

-Maybe it was another Bart.
-There are none!

The sheer contempt makes me wish
I could use the board of education.

Call your father.

-Is Homer there?
-Homer who?

Homer Sexual.

Wait one second, let me check.

Homer Sexual!

Come on, one of you guys
has got to be Homer Sexual!

Don't look at me!

You little punk!
If I get ahold of you...

-...I'll rip your face off!
-You'll do what, young man?

What? Wait. Who is this?

The question is, who's this
and where is Homer?

Sorry, Principal Skinner.
It's a bad connection, I think.

For you. I think Bart's
in trouble again.

What now?

The victim is the grass...

...on groundskeeper Willie's
award-winning play field.

If it's okay with you...

...I'd like to punish Bart through
backbreaking physical labor.

Re-sodding the field manually,
seed by seed.

But enough about Bart.
Tell me, are you married?

Only to my job.

But if you weren't,
you'd tend to go for a girl?

These pants come off
at night just like everybody else's.

Why all the questions?

Oh, no reason.

I was just wondering if...

...you'd like to come over
to my house for dinner.

A payback for all the things
Bart has done!

Well, a home-cooked meal would be
a nice change of pace.

-I'd be delighted!
-Excellent.

Good evening
and welcome to our home.

I only hope we can put our differences
aside for the next few hours.

Just get inside already.

He's here.

What are you waiting for?
Go shake your moneymaker.

I'm too nervous. You do it.

-No, you do it.
-No, you do it.

I had a discomforting
thought on the way here.

This dinner wouldn't be a plan
to set me up with some...

...unmarried relation, would it?
Because I can--

Be still, my foolish heart.

Here we go. Boy meets beast.

Allow me to introduce you to
my wife's lovely...

-...and available sister, Selma.
-Hey, tubs, I'm Patty!

-What?
-Patty.

D'oh! Wrong one.

So, Patty, tell me, tell me more
about your trip to Egypt.

Nothing more to tell, really.

The Nile smells and
the horseflies are huge.

Marvelous. Just marvelous.

Well, Selma hated Egypt too.
A camel spit on her.

They can be difficult. Patty...

...the Parents Advisory Board asked
that I see Space Mutants Part V.

Would you be interested in joining me?

-I don't--
-She'd be delighted!

-I'll cancel.
-No.

We already had plans.

Your first date in 25 years
is more important than playing cards.

I tried to repel him, really.

Pack of Lady Laramies.

It could easily have been me.
Very easily.

Laramie Hi-Tars, hard pack.

Here you go. Smoke them in good
health. Any lottery tickets with that?

No. All right, five.

Stupid Principal Skinner.
You gotta be kidding me.

Save your strength, lad. There's a
whole field for you to re-sod yet.

Bart, you wouldn't know what sort of
candy your aunt likes, would you?

-Cherry cordials, sir.
-Oh, very good.

Now then, regarding your punishment,
have you learned your lesson?

Have I ever. The thought of doing
wrong makes my stomach turn.

Well, you're free to go.

Willie, you can take it from here.
Adi?s.

You haven't seen the last of Willie!

I don't see why this is necessary.

You don't want to show up for your big
date looking like Yosemite Sam.

How do I look?

Achingly beautiful.

Cherry cordials. I hope you like them.

They're okay.
Let's get this over with.

Let's start with the
Springfield Revolving Restaurant.

Food tastes better when
you're revolving.

-This evening has been disappointing.
-Indeed. Terrible.

Hey! Can we get some service
over here?

I keep asking for water.

-Is everything all right?
-Little Jimmy Pearson.

-Class of '71, right?
-Principal Skinner.

Get this woman a glass of water!
And tuck in your shirt.

Nearly 30
and still working as a busboy!

Standardized testing never lies.

I'm not surprised.
She's always the lucky one.

Two minutes younger. Skin like a
china doll. Bosoms till Tuesday.

Don't worry. There are plenty
of fish in the sea. Right, Homer?

Oh, yes. Plenty of fish.
We just don't have any bait.

Don't be stupid!

Sorry.

Oh, come on, love, loosen up.

I can't forget what happened to that
poor dingo. What could've done it?

It was probably just a wallaby.
Now come on.

Well, okay.

Hello, Dolly.

Oh, that was the worst movie
I've ever seen.

Not as bad as the service
at the revolving restaurant.

Isn't it nice we hate the same things?

-So, see me again tomorrow?
-That's my microwave cookery class.

-Then the day after that.
-Oh, gee, tae kwon do.

-The day after that?
-You're touching me.

Kiss me, Patty.
I don't have cooties.

Thursday, I'm going food shopping.
You can come if you like.

Until then.

I want every detail.
Or is your tongue too tired?

The movie was awful
and he didn't get anything.

Now good night.

One kiss. But I don't want
you bragging to your friends.

Oh, I wish I could make a P.A.
announcement to the whole world.

Attention! Seymour Skinner is in love!

-That's cool.
-Skinner's gonna kill you!

-Skinner? He works for me now.
-Simpson?

What is that there?

Patty.

I hate to pull you away from
your exercise...

...but I wanted you
to be first to know.

-I plan to ask your aunt to marry me.
-Your funeral.

Homer, lighten up. You're making
happy hour bitterly ironic.

I gotta find a date for my big, fat,
snotty sister-in-law, Selma.

I'm intrigued.
What does she look like?

-Like my wife's ugly sister.
-Wheel her in, Homer. I'm not picky.

-The rule of thumb is 2 years' salary.
-I can't afford that!

I'll take it.

My sister's not going out
with Barney Gumble!

She's no prize pig herself, you know!

-Bart, come cheer up your Aunt Selma.
-Okay.

What did you learn in school?

Principal Skinner's gonna ask
Patty to marry him.

Thanks, kid. You made my day.

But nothing! She's a heifer,
plain and simple--

There's the little prom queen now.

Can the sweet talk! You're right.
It's time to end my girlish dreams...

...and grab hold of the next train
out of the station.

Is that Selma? Ring-a-ding-ding!

-Oh, shut up.
-Why are you all dolled up?

It takes a ripe piece of cheese
to catch the mouse.

It's time to give away my love
like cheap wine.

Take it to the hoop, Selma.

Hey! Look what I brought!

-Schnapps?
-I'll take that.

You seem preoccupied,
my little pudding cup.

My sister's on a date
with a big, fat rummy.

There's something up here that will
pick up your spirits.

"Marry me, Patty"?

Jeezum Crow!
Look at the size of that rock!

The second most precious jewel here.

Patty, will you marry me?

-I don't know. I mean--
-Just say whatever's in your heart.

It's not that I don't love you.

You love me!

-Yes. Yes, but--
-But?

But I'm a twin, and as such I have a--

Special tie to your sister!

Any man I could marry
would have to--

Understand that you couldn't
leave Selma.

Yes. So I know you appreciate
why you can never....

-See you again?
-Exactly.

It's kind of a Catch-22.

Farewell, my Patty-cake.

Good night, sweet principal.

Oh, Springfield Elementary,
I will have you back again!

After all, tomorrow
is another school day!

And then when I got
out of the service....

Well, the next few years are a blur.

Where's Skinner?

We decided we loved each other
enough never to see each other again.

I hope I can find a man like that.

Are you throwing away
happiness for me?

-Yes.
-Thanks.

-Now let's go get some pancakes.
-Listen, Barney....

She broke my heart, Moe.

Don't worry, Barney.
Time heals all wounds.

What do you know? You're right.

And look, a whole pitcher to myself.

I told you you'd be back!