The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 19, Episode 5 - Treehouse of Horror XVIII - full transcript
In "ET: Go Home," Bart finds Kodos in the back yard and they become friends. However, Kodos has plans of killing everyone. In "Mr. and Mrs. Simpson," Homer and Marge discover that they are both expert assassins and try to kill each other. In "Heck House," Bart, Milhouse, Nelson, and Lisa pull pranks on Springfield residents while trick-or-treating, and are subjected to the wrath of Ned Flanders and his 'Heck House.'
The Simpsons S19E05 (JABF16 )
Treehouse of Horror XVIII
Hello.
Remember Halloween?
It was last week.
But here at the Simpson house,
we're still celebrating.
Tonight, we have
three terrifying tales of the....
Excuse me.
Now, our first gory story is...
Oh, for crying out loud!
No fair.
Can't anyone just watch the
show they're watching?
Dinner is served.
Mmm. Developed by.
Cr?me brul?e!
Cr?me brul?e!
Or, in English:
Burnt cream!
Burnt cream!
Hold on.
I still have to caramelize.
Bart, go out to the shed
and get some more butane!
...butane this.
What's that unearthly glow?
The only sensible thing to do
is explore it on my own.
Huh?
Oh, my God.
An alien...
in our butane storage shed.
Is that your space name?
No, you hit me in
my 700 testicles.
Why did you come
to our world?
My friends and I came in peace
to find your vulnerabilities
and, um,
shore them up
with more peace.
Yes.
Then I was accidentally
left behind...
in a spirit of peace.
Is that a ray gun?
No, it's a...
deodorant applicator.
I'll just...
Smells like a
summer breeze.
So, this is my Krusty
dolll0o, Linguo,
Iraq War Sergeant Activity
with insufficient armor,
Phonic Frog, cat skull,
Jim Halterman bobblehead doll.
He's a local car dealer.
Hmm...
do all humans
have such weak necks
or just the one you call
"Jim Halterman"?
Oh, my God, an alien.
I'm going to blow Rachel
Goodman away at show-and-tell.
No. If the government
finds out he's here,
they'll dissect him.
I only hope those scientists
leave me my mouth,
so I may spread my message
of peace through song.
Peace...
Peace, peace, peace
From space.
As this month's
rotating president
of the Springfield
Future Scientists Club,
may I say I'm sorry
and is there anything
we can do to help?
Well, I would
like to phone home
to tell my family I'm okay.
To do so, I would need
the following items.
Get them now.
Fiber-optic cable,
uranium 235,
two tickets to Avenue Q,
seven billion body bags...
Can I hammer that?
No.
Can I weld that?
No!
Can I tighten the...
I said no!
I thought we were supposed
to do this together.
Actually, I do have an
important job for you.
You can go get the
wrench I dropped.
I'm helping! I'm helping!
Way to getrid of Bart.
He can be such a pest.
You are very observant, Lisa.
That's why I have
a special job for you.
Go find out the
secret locations
of your country'smissile
defense facilities.
They were in yesterday's
New York Times.
We'll be killing every human in two days
We'll be killing every human in two days
We will cook them, we will eat them
'Cause that's the way to treat them...
Oh, Ma-arge.
Want some company?
As always, silence means yes.
How about a little
neck rub, baby?
Now, how about the
neck of my butt?
Oh-ho-ho!
Someone's taking the highway
to the danger zone.
Oh, Marge,your tentacles feel so good.
Wait a minute.
Why am I getting
words in edgewise?
We can't have a space creature
living in our house.
Go ahead. Say it.
It's because I'm Jewish.
No, no, no, some of
my best friends are...
Fine, you can stay.
Look!
They're coming to get...
what's your name?
Kodos the Destroyer.
Huh?
Don't worry, son.
I got a planto save your space doggy.
Who is it?
Ma'am, we have reason to believe
that you're harboring an alien.
Open this doorat once.
Oh, I'm not decent.
Let me throw something on.
Can I help you, gentlemen?
Uh, we know it'syou, Mr. Simpson.
Now where is the alien?
Wow, you guys are good.
The alien's right here
in the living room.
Ha! You missed 'em.
Bart and our alien friend are
hundreds of miles away by now.
What do you weigh?
Like a million pounds?
More of meto love.
After them!
The South shall rise again.
We can fly over them with
the power of love, right?
Hmm... we could, or...
You killed them.
Well done, Columbo.
That's right. We watch Columbo.
It's on during rain-outs
of gleep-glop games.
I'm just gonna take off now.
I'm sure you have a lot
of calls to make.
Foolish biped.
It's not a phone.
It's a space portal.
Our shock troops will teleportin
and eat everyone's heads,
all thanks to you.
What did I miss?
Hop in, Bart.
They're gonna let us kill one!
Bart... friend?
Homer... bored!
I can't believe that
an alien who looked
so evil turned out to be bad.
Hmm. I guess you should
judge a book by its cover.
Definitely, especially if you count
the inside flap as part of the cover.
It usually gives you a great idea
of what the book's about.
Quiet.
We're missing the dissection!
Actually, I'm still alive,
so technically, it's vivisection.
No one likes a know-it-all.
You see, the problem
is we've grown apart.
The problem is
you don't share my interest
in not being with you.
Another thing:
I don't knowwhere you go at night.
Greetings, 241.
Why does he always bring up my weight?
I want you to eliminate this reporter,
Kent Brockman.
He found the gully where I dump
electricity every summer
to jack up prices.
Don't worry, sir.
I'll handle this cleanly,
quietly and... Bart!
What?
Marge, I'm gonna behome late tonight.
I'm going to, uh...
Midnight Monkey
Madness at the zoo.
Well, I won'tbe home, either.
I'm, um...
flipping overwheelbarrows in case it rains.
Have funat your crazy-sounding thing.
And you have fun at
your preposterous event.
- Love ya.
- Love ya.
And that was my drink.
Ninth floor.
Assassin's perch.
Now all I have to do is think of a
clever line before I pull the trigger.
Oh, that's a perfect one.
But I don't need to say it
out loud 'cause I'm by myself.
Out of my way, mystery skank!
Hey! Now I don't get paid!
Hey, baby, hello.
Now I'm mad!
Now I'm...
Marge is a professional assassin!
You just can't get
Russian gangster blood out.
Must be something they eat.
Hey, what's that?
A blender cozy.
How was your Midnight
Monkey Madness?
Great, great.
I turned over so many wheelbarrows...
Wait. That was your thing.
Homie,
I made you my killer lasagna.
It's poison!
Whatever you do, don't eat it.
Okay, you' already eating it,
but don't finish it.
Okay, you finished it,
but don't ask for...
Seconds, please.
You moron!
Just kill her!
I'll kill her after dessert!
You're a killer for hire!
You ruined that pie!
How could you not tell me
you were an assassin?
How could you not tell me?
I told you 20 times!
You never listen!
Well, they're not
as pretty as you, Marge.
Listen, I...
Oh!
Okay, here's the deal.
I'll do the killing for hire,
and you stay home with the kids.
I get $50,000 a hit.
How much do you make?
I just get to keep
whatever's in the guy's wallet.
All those nights I thought
you were out getting drunk,
you were out killing people?!
I was out getting drunk,
then killing people!
Stop it!
That's my favorite couch!
Why do you think I'm kicking it?
Are you guys fighting over us?
Whatever we did, we're sorry.
Sweeties...
We weren't fighting.
It sounded like you were.
Who wants ice cream in bed?
Ice cream! Ice cream!
Dad's the best!
Great! Now they're going to have
tummy aches tomorrow.
And where will
"Super Dad" be then?
At your funeral.
We got a complaint from
an anonymous "neighborino"
about an elaborately choreographed,
high-octane, ultra-fight.
I would have taken a bribe.
Oh, that was so hot!
I love watching you do other guys!
Mmm, I'd like to see you
do a guy sometime.
That can be arranged.
Oh, what a wonderful night.
...so, killing people together
has really spiced things up
in the bedroom.
That's terrific,
but I called you here to discuss
your son's misbehavior
on the school bus.
Think of me on Pizza Fridays.
Trick or treat!
Beat it, weirdoes!
I don't do Halloween!
You're supposed
to give us candy.
I got your candy right here.
Weirdoes!
She empty-bagged us!
What do we do now?
Hear me out.
It seems to me we gave her
a choice: trick or treat.
She didn't give us a treat, so...
Bart, where are
you heading with this?
"Trick or Treat" isn't
just some phrase you chant
mindlessly like The Lord's Prayer.
It's an oral contract!
You're right.
We've forgotten the old ways.
The ways of rotten eggs
and soaped-up windows.
I say we trick her!
Trick her good!
Yay!
May I remind you that I'm
your principal's mother?!
I hope the next people
don't give us anything
so we can trick them too!
Why give 'em a choice?
That trick was sweeter than any
treat we'll get tonight.
I'm concerned we might be
heading down a slippery slope.
What do you think, Nelson?
Can't talk.
Lighting poo.
Hey ho, let's go!
Hey ho, let's go!
Hey ho, let's go!
Hey ho, let's go!
They're forming in straight line
They're going through a tight wind
The kids are losing their minds
The blitzkrieg bop
Hey ho, let's go!
Excuse me, but this is not good!
Oh, lighten up.
It's Halloween.
A night for mischief and merriment.
Trick-or-treat!
Lick my feet!
! taem ttub-gip ekilsllems daeh ruoY
Those monsters must be stopped!
Perhaps, I can be
of some assistance.
I've got something that will scare the
H-E-double sippy straws out of them.
Hold still!
How is this a prank?
Give me back my TV!
I fed your fish.
You overfed them!
You're the worst one of all!
Whoa! They turned the church
into a haunted house!
"Scaredy cats not wanted"?
Then I am wanted!
Welcome to Heck House!
You're about to discover
what a life of sin will get you!
Sin gets us something?
Awesome!
I was just in it for the sin.
Just get in there!
Welcome to eternal darnation!
May I have a clean American
newspaper, please,
no "Doonesbury"?
Wouldn't you rather have
a bikini magazine?
I guess a little peek won't hurt me.
No!
He died as he lived--like a dork.
No! The lesson here is
he's being punished
for thinking women are beautiful!
Please, Lord, grant me the power
to psychologically torture them
into loving you.
Behold, the
las-diddily-ast room
of Ned Flanders's Hell House!
I warned ya.
And yet my punishment
is no less severe.
That's odd.
Springfield is rife
with the seven deadly sins!
Starting with... gluttony!
More bread, please.
Anger!
Why won't you work,
you stupid piece of junk?!
I said, why won't you work?!
Pride!
Oh, why did I take pride
in my child's accomplishments?
Sloth!
I thought I was killed
by that magic spaghetti!
And the rest!
Lust!
Greed!
And envy!
Oh, how I envy the crotchless.
And this is where sinners spend
all of eternity!
This is what you get
for stealing jokes?!
I keep telling you: I'm Hindu!
I regret... nothing.
- Stop licking my junk!
- It's my junk, too!
We'll never do any of those sins...
I promise!
All we'll do from now on
is pray and fight in wars.
Well, then, my work is done.
That concludes our Halloween
show for this year.
I just want to say
that for watching this network,
you're all going to hell!
And that includes FX, Fox Sports,
and our newest Devil's portal,
The Wall Street Journal.
Welcome to the club!
Treehouse of Horror XVIII
Hello.
Remember Halloween?
It was last week.
But here at the Simpson house,
we're still celebrating.
Tonight, we have
three terrifying tales of the....
Excuse me.
Now, our first gory story is...
Oh, for crying out loud!
No fair.
Can't anyone just watch the
show they're watching?
Dinner is served.
Mmm. Developed by.
Cr?me brul?e!
Cr?me brul?e!
Or, in English:
Burnt cream!
Burnt cream!
Hold on.
I still have to caramelize.
Bart, go out to the shed
and get some more butane!
...butane this.
What's that unearthly glow?
The only sensible thing to do
is explore it on my own.
Huh?
Oh, my God.
An alien...
in our butane storage shed.
Is that your space name?
No, you hit me in
my 700 testicles.
Why did you come
to our world?
My friends and I came in peace
to find your vulnerabilities
and, um,
shore them up
with more peace.
Yes.
Then I was accidentally
left behind...
in a spirit of peace.
Is that a ray gun?
No, it's a...
deodorant applicator.
I'll just...
Smells like a
summer breeze.
So, this is my Krusty
dolll0o, Linguo,
Iraq War Sergeant Activity
with insufficient armor,
Phonic Frog, cat skull,
Jim Halterman bobblehead doll.
He's a local car dealer.
Hmm...
do all humans
have such weak necks
or just the one you call
"Jim Halterman"?
Oh, my God, an alien.
I'm going to blow Rachel
Goodman away at show-and-tell.
No. If the government
finds out he's here,
they'll dissect him.
I only hope those scientists
leave me my mouth,
so I may spread my message
of peace through song.
Peace...
Peace, peace, peace
From space.
As this month's
rotating president
of the Springfield
Future Scientists Club,
may I say I'm sorry
and is there anything
we can do to help?
Well, I would
like to phone home
to tell my family I'm okay.
To do so, I would need
the following items.
Get them now.
Fiber-optic cable,
uranium 235,
two tickets to Avenue Q,
seven billion body bags...
Can I hammer that?
No.
Can I weld that?
No!
Can I tighten the...
I said no!
I thought we were supposed
to do this together.
Actually, I do have an
important job for you.
You can go get the
wrench I dropped.
I'm helping! I'm helping!
Way to getrid of Bart.
He can be such a pest.
You are very observant, Lisa.
That's why I have
a special job for you.
Go find out the
secret locations
of your country'smissile
defense facilities.
They were in yesterday's
New York Times.
We'll be killing every human in two days
We'll be killing every human in two days
We will cook them, we will eat them
'Cause that's the way to treat them...
Oh, Ma-arge.
Want some company?
As always, silence means yes.
How about a little
neck rub, baby?
Now, how about the
neck of my butt?
Oh-ho-ho!
Someone's taking the highway
to the danger zone.
Oh, Marge,your tentacles feel so good.
Wait a minute.
Why am I getting
words in edgewise?
We can't have a space creature
living in our house.
Go ahead. Say it.
It's because I'm Jewish.
No, no, no, some of
my best friends are...
Fine, you can stay.
Look!
They're coming to get...
what's your name?
Kodos the Destroyer.
Huh?
Don't worry, son.
I got a planto save your space doggy.
Who is it?
Ma'am, we have reason to believe
that you're harboring an alien.
Open this doorat once.
Oh, I'm not decent.
Let me throw something on.
Can I help you, gentlemen?
Uh, we know it'syou, Mr. Simpson.
Now where is the alien?
Wow, you guys are good.
The alien's right here
in the living room.
Ha! You missed 'em.
Bart and our alien friend are
hundreds of miles away by now.
What do you weigh?
Like a million pounds?
More of meto love.
After them!
The South shall rise again.
We can fly over them with
the power of love, right?
Hmm... we could, or...
You killed them.
Well done, Columbo.
That's right. We watch Columbo.
It's on during rain-outs
of gleep-glop games.
I'm just gonna take off now.
I'm sure you have a lot
of calls to make.
Foolish biped.
It's not a phone.
It's a space portal.
Our shock troops will teleportin
and eat everyone's heads,
all thanks to you.
What did I miss?
Hop in, Bart.
They're gonna let us kill one!
Bart... friend?
Homer... bored!
I can't believe that
an alien who looked
so evil turned out to be bad.
Hmm. I guess you should
judge a book by its cover.
Definitely, especially if you count
the inside flap as part of the cover.
It usually gives you a great idea
of what the book's about.
Quiet.
We're missing the dissection!
Actually, I'm still alive,
so technically, it's vivisection.
No one likes a know-it-all.
You see, the problem
is we've grown apart.
The problem is
you don't share my interest
in not being with you.
Another thing:
I don't knowwhere you go at night.
Greetings, 241.
Why does he always bring up my weight?
I want you to eliminate this reporter,
Kent Brockman.
He found the gully where I dump
electricity every summer
to jack up prices.
Don't worry, sir.
I'll handle this cleanly,
quietly and... Bart!
What?
Marge, I'm gonna behome late tonight.
I'm going to, uh...
Midnight Monkey
Madness at the zoo.
Well, I won'tbe home, either.
I'm, um...
flipping overwheelbarrows in case it rains.
Have funat your crazy-sounding thing.
And you have fun at
your preposterous event.
- Love ya.
- Love ya.
And that was my drink.
Ninth floor.
Assassin's perch.
Now all I have to do is think of a
clever line before I pull the trigger.
Oh, that's a perfect one.
But I don't need to say it
out loud 'cause I'm by myself.
Out of my way, mystery skank!
Hey! Now I don't get paid!
Hey, baby, hello.
Now I'm mad!
Now I'm...
Marge is a professional assassin!
You just can't get
Russian gangster blood out.
Must be something they eat.
Hey, what's that?
A blender cozy.
How was your Midnight
Monkey Madness?
Great, great.
I turned over so many wheelbarrows...
Wait. That was your thing.
Homie,
I made you my killer lasagna.
It's poison!
Whatever you do, don't eat it.
Okay, you' already eating it,
but don't finish it.
Okay, you finished it,
but don't ask for...
Seconds, please.
You moron!
Just kill her!
I'll kill her after dessert!
You're a killer for hire!
You ruined that pie!
How could you not tell me
you were an assassin?
How could you not tell me?
I told you 20 times!
You never listen!
Well, they're not
as pretty as you, Marge.
Listen, I...
Oh!
Okay, here's the deal.
I'll do the killing for hire,
and you stay home with the kids.
I get $50,000 a hit.
How much do you make?
I just get to keep
whatever's in the guy's wallet.
All those nights I thought
you were out getting drunk,
you were out killing people?!
I was out getting drunk,
then killing people!
Stop it!
That's my favorite couch!
Why do you think I'm kicking it?
Are you guys fighting over us?
Whatever we did, we're sorry.
Sweeties...
We weren't fighting.
It sounded like you were.
Who wants ice cream in bed?
Ice cream! Ice cream!
Dad's the best!
Great! Now they're going to have
tummy aches tomorrow.
And where will
"Super Dad" be then?
At your funeral.
We got a complaint from
an anonymous "neighborino"
about an elaborately choreographed,
high-octane, ultra-fight.
I would have taken a bribe.
Oh, that was so hot!
I love watching you do other guys!
Mmm, I'd like to see you
do a guy sometime.
That can be arranged.
Oh, what a wonderful night.
...so, killing people together
has really spiced things up
in the bedroom.
That's terrific,
but I called you here to discuss
your son's misbehavior
on the school bus.
Think of me on Pizza Fridays.
Trick or treat!
Beat it, weirdoes!
I don't do Halloween!
You're supposed
to give us candy.
I got your candy right here.
Weirdoes!
She empty-bagged us!
What do we do now?
Hear me out.
It seems to me we gave her
a choice: trick or treat.
She didn't give us a treat, so...
Bart, where are
you heading with this?
"Trick or Treat" isn't
just some phrase you chant
mindlessly like The Lord's Prayer.
It's an oral contract!
You're right.
We've forgotten the old ways.
The ways of rotten eggs
and soaped-up windows.
I say we trick her!
Trick her good!
Yay!
May I remind you that I'm
your principal's mother?!
I hope the next people
don't give us anything
so we can trick them too!
Why give 'em a choice?
That trick was sweeter than any
treat we'll get tonight.
I'm concerned we might be
heading down a slippery slope.
What do you think, Nelson?
Can't talk.
Lighting poo.
Hey ho, let's go!
Hey ho, let's go!
Hey ho, let's go!
Hey ho, let's go!
They're forming in straight line
They're going through a tight wind
The kids are losing their minds
The blitzkrieg bop
Hey ho, let's go!
Excuse me, but this is not good!
Oh, lighten up.
It's Halloween.
A night for mischief and merriment.
Trick-or-treat!
Lick my feet!
! taem ttub-gip ekilsllems daeh ruoY
Those monsters must be stopped!
Perhaps, I can be
of some assistance.
I've got something that will scare the
H-E-double sippy straws out of them.
Hold still!
How is this a prank?
Give me back my TV!
I fed your fish.
You overfed them!
You're the worst one of all!
Whoa! They turned the church
into a haunted house!
"Scaredy cats not wanted"?
Then I am wanted!
Welcome to Heck House!
You're about to discover
what a life of sin will get you!
Sin gets us something?
Awesome!
I was just in it for the sin.
Just get in there!
Welcome to eternal darnation!
May I have a clean American
newspaper, please,
no "Doonesbury"?
Wouldn't you rather have
a bikini magazine?
I guess a little peek won't hurt me.
No!
He died as he lived--like a dork.
No! The lesson here is
he's being punished
for thinking women are beautiful!
Please, Lord, grant me the power
to psychologically torture them
into loving you.
Behold, the
las-diddily-ast room
of Ned Flanders's Hell House!
I warned ya.
And yet my punishment
is no less severe.
That's odd.
Springfield is rife
with the seven deadly sins!
Starting with... gluttony!
More bread, please.
Anger!
Why won't you work,
you stupid piece of junk?!
I said, why won't you work?!
Pride!
Oh, why did I take pride
in my child's accomplishments?
Sloth!
I thought I was killed
by that magic spaghetti!
And the rest!
Lust!
Greed!
And envy!
Oh, how I envy the crotchless.
And this is where sinners spend
all of eternity!
This is what you get
for stealing jokes?!
I keep telling you: I'm Hindu!
I regret... nothing.
- Stop licking my junk!
- It's my junk, too!
We'll never do any of those sins...
I promise!
All we'll do from now on
is pray and fight in wars.
Well, then, my work is done.
That concludes our Halloween
show for this year.
I just want to say
that for watching this network,
you're all going to hell!
And that includes FX, Fox Sports,
and our newest Devil's portal,
The Wall Street Journal.
Welcome to the club!