The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 19, Episode 4 - I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - full transcript

I am not an Fdic-insured bank.
Wow, Bart!
Lookin' good!
Well, I have to look good for tomorrow.
Right...
tomorrow.
Homer, you do know what tomorrow is.
Think. Think.
I'm not thinking. You think.
You have to think, it's your job!
You have to think, it's your job.
Why you little...
Homer!
Lisa is receiving
the Student of the Millennium
Award at school.
To be fair, the millennium
just started, so it's not
that big a deal.
But they're giving it to me.
You have to be there.
You miss way too many precious
moments in the childrens' lives.
What?! Name 12.
Well, just this week,
there's been field day,
picking me up from the airport...
And the Father-Daughter Dance.
Lisa, if you like, I'm certified
to conduct a mock father daughter conversation.
Just dance.
Homer, you cannot miss Lisa's big day.
And you have to come sober!
American sober or Irish sober?
Point zero eight sober.
Point one five.
Point zero nine.
Point one zero with a
stomach full of bread.
My final offer.
Deal.
Goodnight, sweetheart.
Can't be late for Lisa's big day.
I'm gonna make it.
I'll be on time for Lisa's thing.
Ooh, an awesome accident.
Easy, easy...
I'll just take three seconds to gawk.
Aw, everyone's okay.
Gonna make it. Gonna make it.
An hour and 54 minutes to spare.
With my free time I can finally
work on my Superman novel.
"'Make way for Superman,'
"said Superman as he punched
everyone at the Coffee Bean.
Chapter Two..."
Oh, man,
they just keep kicking off awards
season earlier and earlier.
Yeah, the whole thing is just a scam
to sell ad space in the school paper.
That's the place that did both my Grandmas.
I did both your grandmas.
Shut up!
Shall we look at the next one?
Willie.
He'll buy beer for you, but he'll make
you drink it with him.
Darn these long bank lines.
Although it does give me
a moment with my thoughts.
Ooh...
Darn these long bank lines.
That old man over there isn't even
making a transaction.
He just wants someone to talk to.
Before this was the Bank of Springfield,
this was the Midwest Savings and Loan.
And before that,
it was an abandoned theater.
And before that, it was a theater.
Where's Dr. Kevorkian when you need him?
Well, if I know doctors,
he's probably golfing.
Excuse me for a moment.
Everyone down on the floor, now!
This is a robbery!
Uh, not a separate robbery we're together.
You mean like a couple?
- No! - Yes!
Oh, great.
We're being robbed by Johnny and Clyde!
Stay away from that button!
Damn it!
Well, Marge,
who's the unfit parent now?
You know, a principal's dream
would be to have a school with
nothing but Lisa Simpsons.
Unfortunately, the rest of you exist.
From her grade-grubbing to her apple polishing...
She's got a cell phone!
We didn't plan for this, man.
We didn't plan for this.
Ol' Gil's here for his first
day as security guard.
Oh, boy...
Oh, no. Now it's murder, man.
It's murder.
Uh, Chief, looks like we gota 64-G in progress.
Armed robbery with a gun.
Come on, Chief, you know this.
Oh, a shooty-stealy.
And now the reason we're all here today...
Lisa Simpson!
Oh, hello, Marge.
I'm at the most important event
of our daughter's life,
and you're totally late.
Am I disappointed?
Yes.
Am I surprised?
No.
Homer.
I'm a hostage in a bank robbery.
What?!
Oh, my God, my sweet Margie!
Okay, listen very carefully.
Don't do anything they say,
remain panicky, and above all,
try to be a hero.
Homer, I have to go.
If I don't make it,
feel free to remarry
from anyone on the list in
the bulletin board in the closet.
Lindsat Naegle, Booberella, Blythe Danner. Also, feed cat
Good-bye, my love!
Okay,
this isn't the way I planned it,
but you can make it out alive
as long as there's no funny stuff.
Don't worry about me.
I was voted America's least funny clown.
Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo, Oopsie, Carlos Mencia,
Stinko, Blumpy.
Even worse Sergeant Serious!
How could I do worse than him?!
I stole all his jokes!
Chief, you gotta do something
my current wife is in there!
Maybe you should take over,
cause I got no stake in this.
This isn't even my bank.
I'm over at First Federal.
Oh! Dye pack!
Man, that stings.
Oh. Damn it!
What are you looking at, huh?
Oh! Is anyone else a dye pack?
Tell me now, and I won't shoot you.
I... Ooh!
You said diabetic, right?
Finally, the help we need
a DVD of The Negotiator.
Which chapter should we skip to?
"Meet Danny Ron", "rouble Brewing,"
"Off the Case", "My Baby's in There,"
"Enter Niebaum,""Take the Shot,"
"Sabian's Choice,""Check and Mate,"
"Friends At Last,""Closing Credits"?
Oh, man, oh, man.
What the hell's taking them so long?
They must be getting ready to kill me!
It's no fair.
I shouldn't die.
I just came here to check the date!
Dwight, use your noodle.
If you surrender now,
you're only lookingat a few years in jail.
I'll tell them you're a good guy.
Marge, I can't go back to prison.
I've got no wife, I've got no family.
I've got nothing!
If I give my self up,
will you come visit me in the joint?
Hey, if I can say yes
to Chinese toys that kill kids,
you can say yes to him.
Okay, I'll visit you, Dwight.
Oh, Marge,
I was afraid I was going to lose you!
Now let me help you make your
slow transition back to society.
I just want to go home.
You have a new home now with us.
See ya soon, Marge. Real soon!
Just like you promised!
Sweetheart,what's wrong?
I promised that bank robber
that I'd visit him in jail,
but I just can't do it.
You don't owe him anything.
Moe was in the hospital for three weeks,
and I didn't visit him once.
You said you visited him every night.
Moe the tavern,not Moe the person.
Well, promises mean more to me.
Okay, you gave your word.
You're going to visit him,
no excuses.
Ooh! Shlomo's Judaica is having
a blowout on dreidels.
All right, this time I'm going.
I'm really going to visit a bank robber.
A man who held a gun on me.
Going to see him in prison,
where guards will frisk me,
paw through my purse, and...
Ooh, there's apple picking just up the road!
I'm getting a visitor today.
I'm so nervous it feels like
I keistered a bunch of butterflies.
Dude, I highly doubt you're getting a visitor.
People don't like you.
You come off needy and bug-eyed.
You're wrong.
Marge is coming.
She is.
Easy, bro. It's not like she's your mother.
I wish she was.
My real mother abandoned me in an amusement park.
All I have left is a caricature from that day.
Ooh. That is harsh.
Hey, baby.
Listen carefully.
Someone's been editing my biography on Wikipedia.
I want you to kill him.
No problem, sweetie.
I'll dump his body in the same lake
as your lousy lawyer.
Then when you get out,
we can have a picnic there!
Aw, that's so sweet.
Anyone for me?
I really shouldn't show up without
an apple pie for Dwight.
In fact, I really shouldn't show up
without an apple pie for everyone at the prison.
Oh, my, it's 5:00.
I missed visiting hours.
Perfect!
Look, Lisa.
I put new filaments in all
our burned-out light bulbs.
Your father, the millionaire,
thought we should throw these away.
Mom, I think there's something
you're trying to avoid.
Or someone.
Don't be silly, Lisa.
In fact...
Damn these sturdy, foreign-built phones.
Hello.
Hello?
Hello?
Marge?
Hello, this is Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman,
urging you to vote no on Proposition 87.
If we outlaw crossbows in our public schools,
who's gonna protect our children
from charging elk?
Thank you for your time, and as always...
I say Wango!
I say Tango!
We now return to
A Kiss Before Frying.
It's almost midnight.
They'll be coming soon, Johnny.
Coming to take you to the electric chair.
I ain't afraid of old sparky,
the hot seat, the kilowatt couch,
the death davenport, the electric lap,
the crook cooker, the scorch stool!
I ain't afraid, see?
No, Johnny, I don't see.
You're going straight to hell, you know.
I ain't afraid, 'cause my sainted Ma
is comin' to visit before I go.
And when I sit down on the jolt throne,
I'll be lookin' into Ma's sweet face
as my tongue explodes in my mouth
and the goo boils in my eyes.
Oh, poor Johnny Stabbo.
Prison waste
Pure mountain spring water
Damn it!
Ma! Ma! Where are you, Ma?
Don't give up hope, Johnny!
Give up hope, Johnny.
Your Ma ain't coming.
Now, if I may do the honors.
Ma. Ma. Ma...!
Ma.a.a.!!!!
Ma...!
Hostage returns home to 742 Evergreen terrace
Alarm code 3457
Itchy and Scratchy Show.
You're out.
Psst, psst!
Steroids cause health problems
Sluggers make millions.
South pole
Greatest hero ever
You're disgracing America's pastime.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
What the...?
Hall of shame
We interrupt this Annie Award-winning cartoon
for an important bulletin.
Convicted bank robber Dwight David Diddle Hopper
has escaped from Springfield Penitentiary.
The escapee left a note saying he will turn himself
in after he takes care of one unfinished piece of business.
The police have issue da statement saying,
"That seems more than fair."
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?
Who can it be now?
Who can it be knocking at my door?
Make no sound
Tiptoe across the floor
If he hears, he'll knock all...
Oh, hey, oh.
Oh, wait, this ain't where I go to vote.
Hello, Marge.
Man, these cars look all a like.
Now drive !
Dwight!
I-I was just on my way to see you in prison.
Really, Marge?
Look me in the eyes and say that.
Okay.
They're so buggy, I can't.
Dwight, please, don't do anything crazy.
- Just pull over there. - Huh?
Um, what are we doing here?
This is where my mom abandoned me.
Oh, that's so sad.
Ya think?
Marge, can you please
give me the day my mother didn't?
Ride some rides, eat some cotton candy.
I'll let you go home.
Okay, but I'd feel better about it
if you got rid of the gun.
I'd like to, but then you'll leave like she did.
Can you at least put it in your jacket ?
Fine, but I'm still gonna make that pointy shape.
Krusty.
I haven't see you since that terrifying day.
Uh, you'll have to be way more specific.
We were hostages at the bank.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry I offered your life for my safety.
Look, it's Marge!
With Dwight !
I said there was a spark between them,
and you said, "No way."
I saw it, I just didn't feel like talking to you.
Wait, something's screwy here.
I'm calling the cops.
Don't bother, they're right over here.
Easy, easy.
Line up your shot,
then squeeze it off.
Uh, Chief, I think we got a hostage situation over there.
Can't a man spend one minute with his stuffed monkey?
One minute ?
A monkey would make a better chief.
What did you say?
I said monkey would make a better chief!
He's a good monkey, all right.
The Viking boats!
This is where I lost my first mom.
Well, this mom is not gonna say bug-eye.
I mean, good-bye.
Damn it!
Boy, I really feel like a Viking in this thing.
I'll show them which monkey would make the best chief!
Stop the boats!
Sorry, Mister !
Are you kidding me?!
Dwight do something!
Okay !
For you Ma.
Great.
Dwight!
Are you okay ?
Dwight!
He will be fine.
Not you and me fine, but fine.
Hey, leave that comedy to me.
Okay, funny man, make me laugh.
Instead of a carnival ride, what if he was run over
by a Zamboni with a moustache?
- I don't see how. - Then I got nothing.
Dwight, that was the most
unselfish thing I've ever seen.
I'm sorry I didn't visit you before.
Hey, Marge.
Look at us, the four amigos.
They're gonna let me do some oddjobs
for them on the outside.
Listen, outside my cell,
I saw one dandelion growing.
I picked it for you.
Then I pressed it in my Bible to dry.
I carved a frame for it out of a bar of soap.
Read the inscription on the back.
"You chat up the guard at the gate,
while I knife the guard behind me."
I can't do that, Dwight.
I figured you'd say that.
But you can keep it though.
Aw, thank you.