The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 19, Episode 4 - I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - full transcript

I am not an Fdic-insured bank.

Wow, Bart!

Lookin' good!

Well, I have to look
good for tomorrow.

Right...

tomorrow.

Homer, you do know
what tomorrow is.

Think. Think.

I'm not thinking. You think.

You have to think,
it's your job!

You have to think,
it's your job.



Why you little...

Homer!

Lisa is receiving

the Student of
the Millennium

Award at school.

To be fair,
the millennium

just started,
so it's not

that big a deal.

But they're giving it to me.

You have to be there.

You miss way too
many precious

moments in
the childrens' lives.

What?! Name 12.

Well, just this week,



there's been field day,

picking me up from
the airport...

And the Father-Daughter Dance.

Lisa, if you like,
I'm certified

to conduct a mock father
daughter conversation.

Just dance.

Homer, you cannot
miss Lisa's big day.

And you have to
come sober!

American sober or Irish sober?

Point zero eight sober.

Point one five.

Point zero nine.

Point one zero with a

stomach full of bread.

My final offer.

Deal.

Goodnight, sweetheart.

Can't be late
for Lisa's big day.

I'm gonna make it.

I'll be on time
for Lisa's thing.

Ooh, an awesome accident.

Easy, easy...

I'll just take three
seconds to gawk.

Aw, everyone's okay.

Gonna make it.
Gonna make it.

An hour and 54 minutes to spare.

With my free time I can finally

work on my Superman novel.

"'Make way for Superman,'

"said Superman as he punched

everyone at the Coffee Bean.

Chapter Two..."

Oh, man,

they just keep
kicking off awards

season earlier and earlier.

Yeah, the whole thing
is just a scam

to sell ad space
in the school paper.

That's the place that
did both my Grandmas.

I did both your grandmas.

Shut up!

Shall we look
at the next one?

Willie.

He'll buy beer for you,
but he'll make

you drink it with him.

Darn these long bank lines.

Although it does give me

a moment with my thoughts.

Ooh...

Darn these long bank lines.

That old man over
there isn't even

making a transaction.

He just wants
someone to talk to.

Before this was
the Bank of Springfield,

this was the Midwest
Savings and Loan.

And before that,

it was an abandoned theater.

And before that,
it was a theater.

Where's Dr. Kevorkian
when you need him?

Well, if I know doctors,

he's probably golfing.

Excuse me for
a moment.

Everyone down
on the floor, now!

This is a robbery!

Uh, not a separate
robbery we're together.

You mean like a couple?

- No!
- Yes!

Oh, great.

We're being robbed by
Johnny and Clyde!

Stay away from
that button!

Damn it!

Well, Marge,

who's the unfit parent now?

You know, a principal's dream

would be to have a school with

nothing but Lisa Simpsons.

Unfortunately, the rest of you exist.

From her grade-grubbing
to her apple polishing...

She's got a cell phone!

We didn't plan for this, man.

We didn't plan for this.

Ol' Gil's here for his first

day as security guard.

Oh, boy...

Oh, no. Now it's murder, man.

It's murder.

Uh, Chief, looks like
we gota 64-G in progress.

Armed robbery with a gun.

Come on, Chief, you know this.

Oh, a shooty-stealy.

And now the reason
we're all here today...

Lisa Simpson!

Oh, hello, Marge.

I'm at the most important event

of our daughter's life,

and you're totally late.

Am I disappointed?

Yes.

Am I surprised?

No.

Homer.

I'm a hostage in
a bank robbery.

What?!

Oh, my God,
my sweet Margie!

Okay, listen very carefully.

Don't do anything they say,

remain panicky, and above all,

try to be a hero.

Homer, I have to go.

If I don't make it,

feel free to remarry

from anyone on the list in

the bulletin board in the closet.

Lindsat Naegle, Booberella,
Blythe Danner. Also, feed cat

Good-bye, my love!

Okay,

this isn't the way
I planned it,

but you can make it out alive

as long as there's no funny stuff.

Don't worry about me.

I was voted America's
least funny clown.

Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo,
Oopsie, Carlos Mencia,

Stinko, Blumpy.

Even worse Sergeant Serious!

How could I do worse than him?!

I stole all his jokes!

Chief, you gotta do something

my current wife is in there!

Maybe you should take over,

cause I got no stake in this.

This isn't even my bank.

I'm over at First Federal.

Oh! Dye pack!

Man, that stings.

Oh. Damn it!

What are you looking at, huh?

Oh! Is anyone else a dye pack?

Tell me now,
and I won't shoot you.

I... Ooh!

You said diabetic, right?

Finally, the help we need

a DVD of The Negotiator.

Which chapter should we skip to?

"Meet Danny Ron",
"rouble Brewing,"

"Off the Case",
"My Baby's in There,"

"Enter Niebaum,""Take the Shot,"

"Sabian's Choice,""Check and Mate,"

"Friends At Last,""Closing Credits"?

Oh, man, oh, man.

What the hell's taking them so long?

They must be getting ready to kill me!

It's no fair.

I shouldn't die.

I just came here to check the date!

Dwight, use your noodle.

If you surrender now,

you're only lookingat a few years in jail.

I'll tell them you're a good guy.

Marge, I can't go back to prison.

I've got no wife,
I've got no family.

I've got nothing!

If I give my self up,

will you come visit
me in the joint?

Hey, if I can say yes

to Chinese toys that kill kids,

you can say yes to him.

Okay, I'll visit you, Dwight.

Oh, Marge,

I was afraid I was going to lose you!

Now let me help you make your

slow transition back to society.

I just want to go home.

You have a new home now with us.

See ya soon, Marge.
Real soon!

Just like you promised!

Sweetheart,what's wrong?

I promised that bank robber

that I'd visit him in jail,

but I just can't do it.

You don't owe him anything.

Moe was in the hospital for three weeks,

and I didn't visit him once.

You said you visited
him every night.

Moe the tavern,not Moe the person.

Well, promises mean more to me.

Okay, you gave your word.

You're going to visit him,

no excuses.

Ooh! Shlomo's Judaica is having

a blowout on dreidels.

All right, this time I'm going.

I'm really going to visit a bank robber.

A man who held a gun on me.

Going to see him in prison,

where guards will frisk me,

paw through my purse, and...

Ooh, there's apple picking just up the road!

I'm getting a visitor today.

I'm so nervous it feels like

I keistered a bunch of butterflies.

Dude, I highly doubt
you're getting a visitor.

People don't like you.

You come off needy and bug-eyed.

You're wrong.

Marge is coming.

She is.

Easy, bro. It's not like she's your mother.

I wish she was.

My real mother abandoned
me in an amusement park.

All I have left is a caricature
from that day.

Ooh. That is harsh.

Hey, baby.

Listen carefully.

Someone's been editing
my biography on Wikipedia.

I want you to kill him.

No problem, sweetie.

I'll dump his body in
the same lake

as your lousy lawyer.

Then when you get out,

we can have a picnic there!

Aw, that's so sweet.

Anyone for me?

I really shouldn't show up without

an apple pie for Dwight.

In fact, I really shouldn't show up

without an apple pie
for everyone at the prison.

Oh, my, it's 5:00.

I missed visiting hours.

Perfect!

Look, Lisa.

I put new filaments in all

our burned-out light bulbs.

Your father, the millionaire,

thought we should throw these away.

Mom, I think there's something

you're trying to avoid.

Or someone.

Don't be silly, Lisa.

In fact...

Damn these sturdy, foreign-built phones.

Hello.

Hello?

Hello?

Marge?

Hello, this is Ted Nugent,
the Motor City Madman,

urging you to vote no
on Proposition 87.

If we outlaw crossbows
in our public schools,

who's gonna protect our children

from charging elk?

Thank you for your time,
and as always...

I say Wango!

I say Tango!

We now return to

A Kiss Before Frying.

It's almost midnight.

They'll be coming soon, Johnny.

Coming to take you to the electric chair.

I ain't afraid of old sparky,

the hot seat, the kilowatt couch,

the death davenport, the electric lap,

the crook cooker, the scorch stool!

I ain't afraid, see?

No, Johnny, I don't see.

You're going straight to hell, you know.

I ain't afraid, 'cause my sainted Ma

is comin' to visit before I go.

And when I sit down
on the jolt throne,

I'll be lookin' into Ma's sweet face

as my tongue explodes in my mouth

and the goo boils in my eyes.

Oh, poor Johnny Stabbo.

Prison waste

Pure mountain spring water

Damn it!

Ma! Ma! Where are you, Ma?

Don't give up hope, Johnny!

Give up hope, Johnny.

Your Ma ain't coming.

Now, if I may do the honors.

Ma. Ma. Ma...!

Ma.a.a.!!!!

Ma...!

Hostage returns home to
742 Evergreen terrace

Alarm code 3457

Itchy and Scratchy Show.

You're out.

Psst, psst!

Steroids cause health problems

Sluggers make millions.

South pole

Greatest hero ever

You're disgracing America's pastime.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

What the...?

Hall of shame

We interrupt this Annie
Award-winning cartoon

for an important bulletin.

Convicted bank robber
Dwight David Diddle Hopper

has escaped from
Springfield Penitentiary.

The escapee left a note
saying he will turn himself

in after he takes care of one
unfinished piece of business.

The police have issue da statement saying,

"That seems more than fair."

Who can it be now?

Who can it be now?

Who can it be now?

Who can it be now?

Who can it be knocking at my door?

Make no sound

Tiptoe across the floor

If he hears, he'll knock all...

Oh, hey, oh.

Oh, wait, this ain't
where I go to vote.

Hello, Marge.

Man, these cars look all a like.

Now drive !

Dwight!

I-I was just on my way
to see you in prison.

Really, Marge?

Look me in the eyes and say that.

Okay.

They're so buggy, I can't.

Dwight, please,
don't do anything crazy.

- Just pull over there.
- Huh?

Um, what are we doing here?

This is where my mom
abandoned me.

Oh, that's so sad.

Ya think?

Marge, can you please

give me the day my mother didn't?

Ride some rides, eat some cotton candy.

I'll let you go home.

Okay, but I'd feel better about it

if you got rid of the gun.

I'd like to, but then
you'll leave like she did.

Can you at least put it in your jacket ?

Fine, but I'm still gonna
make that pointy shape.

Krusty.

I haven't see you since
that terrifying day.

Uh, you'll have to be way more specific.

We were hostages at the bank.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry I offered your life for my safety.

Look, it's Marge!

With Dwight !

I said there was a spark
between them,

and you said, "No way."

I saw it, I just didn't feel like talking to you.

Wait, something's screwy here.

I'm calling the cops.

Don't bother, they're right over here.

Easy, easy.

Line up your shot,

then squeeze it off.

Uh, Chief, I think we got
a hostage situation over there.

Can't a man spend one minute
with his stuffed monkey?

One minute ?

A monkey would make a better chief.

What did you say?

I said monkey would
make a better chief!

He's a good monkey, all right.

The Viking boats!

This is where I lost
my first mom.

Well, this mom is not
gonna say bug-eye.

I mean, good-bye.

Damn it!

Boy, I really feel like
a Viking in this thing.

I'll show them which monkey
would make the best chief!

Stop the boats!

Sorry, Mister !

Are you kidding me?!

Dwight do something!

Okay !

For you Ma.

Great.

Dwight!

Are you okay ?

Dwight!

He will be fine.

Not you and me fine, but fine.

Hey, leave that comedy to me.

Okay, funny man, make me laugh.

Instead of a carnival ride, what if he was run over

by a Zamboni with a moustache?

- I don't see how.
- Then I got nothing.

Dwight, that was the most

unselfish thing I've ever seen.

I'm sorry I didn't visit you before.

Hey, Marge.

Look at us, the four amigos.

They're gonna let me do some oddjobs

for them on the outside.

Listen, outside my cell,

I saw one dandelion growing.

I picked it for you.

Then I pressed it in my Bible to dry.

I carved a frame for it
out of a bar of soap.

Read the inscription
on the back.

"You chat up the guard at the gate,

while I knife the guard behind me."

I can't do that, Dwight.

I figured you'd say that.

But you can keep it though.

Aw, thank you.