The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 19, Episode 20 - All About Lisa - full transcript

The Simpsons S19E20 (KABF13)
--- Season Finale ---
All About Lisa

Welcome to the 38th annual
Springfield Showbiz Awards.

There are more stars here tonight
than you can see in the sky,

thanks to light pollution.

Here comes
the magnificently-mammaried,

mistress of midnight movie
mayhem, Booberella.

The twins look happy tonight.

And what have we here?

It's ventriloquist Arthur Crandall
and his walnut wingman, Gabbo.

- Gabbo!
- Gabbo, over here!

Get a job, parasites.



We now come to our final award,
"Entertainer of the Year."

An award so prestigious,
that it recently won

the "Award of the Year" award
at the 2007 Awardy Awards.

This year's nominees are
an eclectic group.

This distinguished-looking
gentleman

is a highly-respected actor.

It's not important what he says,

or who he's a parody of.

Only one person
here really matters....

the recipient of this award.

No, it is not me.

I am but your humble narrator
in this tale of fame,

betrayal and coin collecting.

But more about that later.



Nor is it him.

Nor him.

Nor ham.

No, tonight is about her.

This year's award goes to...

Lisa Simpson.

Surprised?

Let me start at the beginning,

and tell you a little bit
about Lisa.

In fact, All About Lisa.

And now, in honor
of Krusty's 4,000th episode,

put your hands together
for Drew Carey.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Wow, 4,000 episodes.

It seems like just yesterday
Krusty stole his first joke from me.

Seriously, though, I remember watching

him as a kid, and I thought,

"I could do that, and I'm a kid."

What I love about Krusty is,
he's always on...

but to find out what,
you've gotta test his pee.

Pee!

Seriously,
test his pee.

He's a danger
to the community.

And now I give you a man
whose act will never grow old,

because it started out that way:

Krusty the Clown.

Thank you.

I never thought I'd make
it past 400 episodes,

what with the drinking and the smoking

and the fact that I'm
just not that good.

It seems like just yesterday
that we started the show,

with the original Krusketeers.

Who's our favorite TV clown
who likes to clown around?

K-R-U...

S-T-Y...

Hey! Quit steppin' on my solo,
ya creepy little show monkeys!

And here they are today.

Come on out, Krusketeers.

I'm Jesse.

C.J.

You owe me money, Krusty.

I did time for you, clown.

Hard time.

Isn't that great.
They all came back to see me.

That's right.
All except the successful ones.

Now guess what, kids?

The Krusty Show is searching
for a new Krusketeer.

It could be any of you.

As long you're willing to sign

a 20 year personal services contract

where I get 99%
of all your earnings.

I am so gonna try out for that.

Me, too.
But I hope you get it.

No, I hope you get it.

Well, I really
hope you get it.

Yeah, I hope I get it, too.
Later.

For a second there,
he hoped I got it.

A great man once observed:

"90% of success is
showing up on time."

Sorry I'm four hours late.

Now let's pick a Krusketeer!

For my first impression...

I'm a lantern fish.

Now I'm a jack-o'-lantern.

E.T.

B.E.T.

Yay, Bart!

My son's a good-for-somethin'!

Uh, yeah, okay.

You kids were all terrific.

I wish I could make each
of you a Krusketeer,

but we only have enough
money for one.

Plus, I don't really want to.

So after much consideration
of all your talents,

my new Krusketeer is...

What's your kid's name again?

Nelson Muntz.

Wilbur Mudd.

That's me.

- Here's Mudd in your eye.
- Ow!

I can't believe I lost.

That's not fair
Bart was great.

Hey, Krusty,...

you're making a huge mistake
not hiring my brother.

Why don't you hire them both?

It won't cost you anything
you could call Bart an intern.

In fact, the intern thing could open up

a whole new world of free labor for you.

Did you know the Discovery Channel

doesn't have a single paid employee?

Hm. Okay, kid,
you've convinced me.

To make Bart a Krusketeer?

Hell, no.
To make you my new intern.

You're a real go-getter.

Now go get me
my dry-cleaning,

which is my code word
for scotch.

And get me a scotch,

which is my code word
for my bookie.

Also, go get
my dry-cleaning.

- Wha... but...
- Wha, but, wha, wha, wha, but.

What are you standing
around for?

I wish I was paying you,
so I could dock your salary.

Lisa didn't know it then,

but she had just dipped her
toe into the business of show.

And it is a business, as you shall
find out in about three seconds.

Two... one...

Over the years, show business

has been home to scoundrels and saints,

thespians and harlequins,
Abbots and Costelli.

And they all had one thing
in common...

an underpaid assistant.

Cancel my 1:00. Move my 2:00
to 1:00 and cancel that.

Oh, and go to my joke file
and make all the"Sophia Lorens"

into "Lindsay Lohans."

So do a global change?

What am I, Al Gore?
Just do it.

What are you lookin' at?

I'm just trying
to hit my marks.

And I don't?
Is that what you're saying?

No, no. I think you're
a consummate pro.

Oh, so now you're judging me.

Well, what do ya think of this:

you're fired.

Yeah, well, my mom says
you're a selfish lover.

I know what I want
and I get it.

I'll trash you in my memoirs!

Pay attention you'll be writing
my memoirs.

I'll never last here.

Chin up, little gofer.

You can succeed with Krusty.

A few hints: Always carry a cigar
in case he asks.

Never meet his gaze.

And if he mentions
Mitzi Gaynor, and he will,

for God's sake act like
you know who she is.

I got pastrami stuck in my teeth,

and that's everybody's problem.

Who's got floss?

Here you go, Krusty.

Nicely done, kid.

You're the best thing that's happened
to this business since...

Mitzi Gaynor?

I was gonna say
"cheap Korean animation," but sure.

I can't believe you're working
for Krusty and I'm not.

I know everything
about that clown.

Favorite blintz: blueberry.

Favorite horse in the 2004
Belmont: Smarty Jones.

Krusty lost a bundle and had to

endorse baby wipes in Norway.

Which I have a case of.

Krusty klovnen
baby visker!

Stupid Krusty...I hate this...

Bart's having girl trouble.
You better go talk to him.

It's clown trouble.

That's your responsibility.

I thought I was in charge of
bedtime stories and pets dying.

Yeah, well,
we're adding clowns.

Oh! Fine.

But you just bought yourself "ear piercing"
and "strange new feelings."

Fine.

Lisa's got school,
career, posture.

Why did she have to
steal Krusty from me?

Son, the healthy
thing is to get rid of

everything that reminds
you of Krusty...

which appears to be everything.

Hey, maybe we should
give Lisa this room.

You know she works
for Krusty now.

Okay, here's my offer:

All this prim
Krusty merchandise

for that copy of "Radioactive
Man vs. Muhammad Ali."

My counter offer:

"Radioactive Man Meets
the Kansas City Royals."

How about "Radioactive Man vs.

Restless Leg Syndrome"?

Let us try a different tack.

Are you interested
in coin collecting?

- Am I?! No.
- Hmm.

Wait, wait, wait.

I will start you off with
this bicentennial quarter

and I will throw in
my man scrunchie.

Uh, we'll stick with the coins.

Whoa, nice.

Everything in its place,

nothin' festering
inside of nothin'.

You've alphabetized
my book collection.

I've never had such
a great assistant.

I'm gonna call you
"The Goy Wonder."

Because I don't
remember your name.

All right, time to fill
these slots with coins.

Specific coins?

This hobby sucks.

Son, all hobbies suck.

But if you keep at it,
you might find at the end

that you've managed to
kill some precious time.

Wow, I never thought
of it like that.

Do you want to collect coins
with your old man?

You bet I do!

To your mother's purse.

Take A penny
Leave a penny

Toll Booth

Luck O' The Irish
Wishing well

What's you're doin' here ?
That's just my well !

You don't like swearing
prayers around my well!

Oh, yeah?

Well, what do you think
of them apples?

I'll take all of ya.

No, don't put that...
Oh, no, I'll never gets out !

Slide in the 1863
Confederate half dime

and every slot is full.

This is the first book I've ever finished
reading or pushing things into.

What the...?
We missed one!

"The Inverted Double-struck
Penny" or "Kissing Lincolns'

was mistakenly minted
in December of 1917,

when a brief glimpse of a woman's
ankle caused three days

of rioting at the Philadelphia Mint."

The one on the left
looks into it,

but the one on the right is
just experimenting.

Son, we are getting
that coin.

Here I am,
walking the plank.

I wish this mean pirate wasn't
poking me with his sword!

- Where's the chimp?
- Mr. Teeny's not here.

- He's stuck in traffic.
- Oh, what do I do?

I can't ad lib
to save my life.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of fun.

- What are you doing, kid?
- My job: making you look good.

Oh, yeah, right.
So, what be your name, matey?

Long John Seltzer!

The laughter swept
over her like a wave,

enveloping her in its
intoxicating embrace.

The next week, Krusty went
to his Lake Tahoe retreat

** for some R and R.

But he was about
to get an unexpected visit

from a third and fourth R,

Ron Rabinowitz.

Krusty, I've been your
agent for 45 years.

I am telling you, watch out
for this Lisa Simpson character.

She has got a taste
for Lady Laughter,

and she will step right over
a certain clown to get it.

Which clown?
Chuckles?

Professor Nitwit?

No, you!

No Yu,
the Chinese Clown?

Oh, great one, Krusty.

But seriously,
you're in real trouble here.

Yeah?

What do you mean?

If there was a rehearsal
for the network,

I would've been told by my...

...assistant!

Well, where is he?

I don't know,
I guess he forgot.

But people seemed
to like me last week.

You stood in
for Mr. Teeny.

How'd you like to stand in
for Krusty?

Oh, well, it's one thing
to fill in for a monkey.

But a comedy legend?

I wouldn't dream of it.

I respect that.
Cancel the run-through.

Okay, I'll do the monologue.

Evening, Mr. Krusty.

- Great show last...
- Sorry, I can't act like you matter!

Have no fear,
the star is here!

Shh!
We're working!

Huh?

So the centipede says:
"I'm goin'! I'm goin'!

I'm just putting on my shoes!"

Now, that's well-performed comedy!

Oh, my God.

Everything you said
came true, Ron.

Uh, Ron?

So you'll come to the agency tomorrow and
I'll introduce you to the whole team, okay?

You like egg white omelets?

I'll be waiting.
You're a good girl.

I've been replaced by
an eight-year-old.

I can be eight!

La, la, la, la.

I'm eight years old.

Krusty, you've learned that fame,
that fickle beauty,

can leave you when
you need it most.

And Lisa had a lesson
to learn as well.

A lesson about...
You, there!

- Cut that out!
- Sorry, sorry.

Thank you, folks.
You've been a great audience.

I'm gonna keep this forever!

All of Springfield fell head
over heels for Lisa.

Here she comes.

Quick, switch from internal
monologue to external dialogue!

Shall we visit the commissary
to toast your success?

Yeah, sure, Mel.

Let me just wave one more
good-bye to my fans.

While applause rained down on Lisa,
poor Krusty found himself parched.

It's 3:32 a.m.,
which means it's time for

Last Gasp with Krusty the Clown!

Brought to you by Nappien,

Nok-em-Out and
Nok-em-Out Jr. for kids.

Tonight's guest is local bully,
Jimbo Jones?

This is the lowest
I've ever sunk

and I once made out
with a blow-up doll

Sorry you broke up
with me now Cindy?

One of these has got to be that
smooching Lincoln penny.

Nope. Nope.
Dime. Button.

- Pepperoni slice.
- Wait!

This is a classic
1978 Pizza Hut!

Mmm... terrible.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Son, coin collecting's
a lot like life.

It stopped being fun
a long time ago.

But unlike life, I have
a solution for this.

Gavelby's
Auction house.

Going once, going twice...

sold to Mr. Burns!

I've won every coin.

But I feel strangely empty.

Ooh, there's another coin.
That should do it.

Our last item up for bid is a mint
condition 1917 "Kissing Lincoln" penny.

Okay, boy, this is it.
Five dollars!

- $500.
- Five dollars cash!

Sir, the promise of cash
is not an enticement.

The current bid is $500.

Do I hear a counter bid?
Going once, going twice...Dad?

- $501!
- $10 million.

- Objection, your honor.
- Sir, I am not a judge.

But, um, overruled.
Sold to Mr. Burns for $10 million!

I paid a pretty penny for this
pretty penny, but it was worth it.

Mr. Burns, my son and
I have been collecting coins.

It's really brought
us closer together.

That penny you bought tonight
would mean the world to him.

Yes, but the problem is,
if you had it, I wouldn't.

You see difficulty.

Mmm. Yeah.

I'll tell you what, at least help
me buy the boy a gumball.

- Do you have change for a nickel?
- Oh, of course.

Smithers, step on it!

I only gave him four cents
for that nickel.

Monty Burns wins a...

And... done.

Now, let's put it on a shelf
and never look at it again.

You got it, boy.

And so, bonded by love
and larceny,

father and son got dressed,

had a minor disagreement...

You little...

...patched things up...

Sorry, Dad.

...and went downtown,

where they watched proudly,

as Lisa accepted her award.

Lisa, before you walk away
from this venerable hall and

into the arms of your adoring fans,
may I have a moment?

Well, I do owe you everything.
Make it quick.

Behold your fellow winners
of the Entertainer of the Year Award.

Hmm.
I don't recognize any of them.

And why should you?

He appears nightly
on Broadway,

selling combs and mints
in the men's room.

She was fired after
a bad rehearsal

from Homeboys In Outer Space.

And perhaps
the saddest one of all,

he graced stages from
London to Los Angeles.

When he played
Biff in Death Of A Salesman,

every woman in the audience
wished they were Hap.

But that was before he...
"took the bone."

Melvin Van Horne.

Sideshow Mel?!

It's you!

How could this happen to you,
to all these wonderful performers?

Applause is an addiction,

like heroin or checking your e-mail.

Once you have a taste,
you'll do anything to get more.

Don't end up like these people.

Don't end up like...

me.

I need to get out
while I still can.

Thank you, Mel.

Everyone, wait!

Um, there's someone
I forgot to thank,

and he's here tonight.

Krusty, will you come up
on stage, please?

What do you want?

You've already taken
everything I care about.

Really?

So what else is in the news?

This just in:
I don't give a crap.

I'm trying to set you up
for laughs.

Trying to set me up
with a giraffe?

Oh, right.

You guys know about giraffes...
long legs, big neck.

Here comes the zinger.

Speaking of necks,

my girlfriend is
a real pain in mine.

She crashed her car in
to mine and said,

"Look, honey, we have a hybrid."

Timely.

By giving everything away,

she was able to keep the only
thing that mattered:

her dignity.

God, how I envy her.

Ooh, I think I'm in love!

Krusty, please.

My wife is giving birth
as we speak!

Just four more takes.
Come on.

No!

Oh, Krusty, have a heart.