The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 19, Episode 17 - Apocalypse Cow - full transcript
Bart tries to save the cow he raised for his 4-H club from the slaughterhouse, and in the process winds up getting accidentally engaged to one of Cletus's daughters.
The Simpsons 1917 :
"Apocalypse Cow"
Hey, hey, kids!
It's a beautiful,
sunny Saturday morning.
So get ready for six hours
of cartoons!
Today's Krusty's Korean
Kartoon Kavalcade starts
with an exciting adventure
of "The Trans-Clown-O-Morphs."
Trans-Clown-O-Morphs
Transforming clowns
that morph
Sent to Earth to defeat
the evil Dino-Robo-Bots
Trans-Clown-O-Morphs
Transforming clowns that morph
And their human friend
is you.
Back off,
Pterodactyl-bots.
You'll never conquer
Big Top City.
Oh, really?
It's time to make you
Trans-Clown-O-Morphs extinct.
Only my Saturday morning viewers
can save me!
Buy my cereal,
find the secret code inside
and text me the message
"start the day with Kellogg's"
- or I will die.
- Enough from you!
Hurry!
Guess no one's buying my cereal.
Buy or I'll die.
Mom, we need to throw out
all this Krusty cereal
and get Robot Clown cereal!
Every week we have
to buy something else
to save that transforming
clown that morphs.
I want you to watch a show
that isn't just one long commercial.
Justin Leonard lines up the putt.
This is for par and a share
of sixth place.
Mom, we need
a Callaway titanium
- perimeter-weighted driver!
- It adds yards to any swing.
You two have been bombarded
with enough commercial images.
Lisa, I've got a big bunch
of black banas.
You know what that means.
Bana bread!
And Bart, you go with your
father to Shelbyville
to get the beanbag chairs
re-beaned.
Oh, no, I hate
the beanbag store.
The clerks are always shouting
in Hebrew on their cell phones.
So Dean Martin would
show up at the last minute
and do everything
in just one take?
- That's right.
- But Wikipedia said
he was "passionate about rehearsal."
Don't you worry about Wikipedia.
We'll change it
when we get home.
We'll change a lot of things.
Hey, check it out!
I wouldn't mind driving that
over a prairie dog village.
Honk to the driver!
Martin?!
What's a tool like you
doing on something cool like that?
Yeah, what's
the deal, loser?
I'm operating
a Combine Harvester.
It's part of my duties
as a member of 4-H.
4- H Club? Is it dangerous?
Indeed, it has
the most finger loss
of any youth organization.
Can I join, Dad?
Can I? Can I? Can I?
Son, a lot of these
youth organizations
encourage parents to get
involved in the activities.
- Not this one.
- Sold!
"I pledge my head
to clearer thinking,
"my heart to greater loyalty,
my hands.."
oh, man, how many
"H's" does this thing have?
Yeah, there's a bunch.
Let's skip the oath and, uh,
get you behind the wheel
of something you can't handle.
Raise articulator,
set hydraulic brakes
and endorse farm subsidy check
for crops I didn't grow.
Okay, 4-H-ers,
here's your summer project:
pick a calf and raise him up
big, strong
and, of course, God-fearing.
And at the end of the summer,
the best calf wins a blue ribbon.
I want a tough one.
I didn't come here today
expecting to fall in love.
Hey, it's the runt.
I'll take anything
but the runt.
looks like
we're partners.
You're a scrappy little misfit,
just like me.
Anyone want to trade?
No reasonable offer refused.
I'll take a chicken.
Pullet, Bantam, Orpington,
Pullet, Flemish Giant,
Pullet, Leghorn...
Keep it down!
I'm trying to feed my runt.
Here, I'll show you what to do.
All right,
I get it, I get it.
- By the way, I'm Mary.
- I'm Bart.
- This is my calf, Lulubelle.
- Uh, you know that's a boy, right?
Oh, I thought she was
peeing out of her nipple.
- How 'bout you just call him "Lou"?
- That's great.
It rhymes "moo."
So what do you think of my calf?
Now son, I'm not here to judge.
- Actually, yes, you are.
- Eh, what?
Oh, right, I am.
Well, I don't know
much about cows,
but I think we have a winner!
You're the greatest cow
in the world!
I'm going to be
your friend forever.
Bart, you do know
what happens next?
- Something happens next?
- Son, your calf is going
to be taken to a feedlot...
- Lots of feed... that sounds good.
- .... then slaughtered.
But he won!
Why don't you kill
the loser cows?
Oh, we will,
but your cow
gets to go first.
Mom, they're going to kill Lou
and make him into food and
fringe vests for gay cowboys.
Can we buy him back? Can we?
honey, we'd love to,
but a prizewinning bull
is thousands of dollars.
Oh, man.
Son, let this be a lesson:
never work hard and don't form
emotional attachments.
Also, don't be a cow.
Lou?
Oh, man, now I feel so bad
I'm imaging I hear your voice.
Leave me alone!
It's not my fault there's nothing good to
eat on this planet except meat!
I can't help you!
I'm just a little boy!
Bart, are you all right?
I hear Lou mooing
in my head.
What you heard
was your conscience
telling you to stop
eating meat.
If I could save Lou,
I'd never eat meat again.
Not even prosciutto and melon!
"Anguished Animals III"?
That wasn't my conscience
mooing, it was...
Tress MacNeille!
All right,
so I put that there
to get you to stop
eating meat.
But your body is going
to miss the protein,
so you'll have
to take these pills.
Sorry, Lis.
I can't be a vegetarian.
I love the taste of death.
But please, help me
get my cow back.
Okay, meet me halfway.
Stop stirring your lemonade
with a sausage.
- Give me a minute.
- Come on.
It's a no-brainer.
Aw, man, I never figured
the gate would be locked.
It's like they knew
we were coming.
Don't worry; I called
some animal activists
who can help us get in.
I'll just give the signal.
Milk is murder.
Cheese is genocide.
- Good to see you, Windsong.
- Windsong?
Yeah, it's my code name. This is
Compost and this is Solar Panel.
What's my code name?
Lisa's Brother.
Forgive us for this violation,
Mother Fence.
We honor
your chain-link spirit.
Lou.
Lou.
Lou, where are you,
little buddy?
Lou, what happened to you?
You got fat.
Of course he did.
His food is laced
with growth hormones.
I don't care how much
of a pumped-up freak you are.
I still love you.
The way Barry Bonds' kids
probably still love him.
Come on. Come on.
How we going to get
him out of here?
Wow, you did learn a lot
at 4-H.
Hell, yeah.
That was a
practice cow.
What are we going
to do with him?
Well, your friend Mary
from 4-H lives on a farm.
Lou can stay with her.
a cow on a farm.
With a moo-moo here
and a moo-moo there...
Yes, it works.
All right, Lou,
to freedom!
Lou?
Howdy, what's yours
that mine's is Cletus?
He wants to know
your name.
Oh, I'm Bart Simpson.
Is Mary here?
Hang on. Hey, Mary, there's a
boy here askin' on you!
Hey, Bart.
I didn't know
Cletus was your dad.
She had a regular city birth
in a gas station.
The feedlot wants to kill Lou
and I can't keep him.
Can I give him to you?
Brandine, a young feller
just offered Mary a cow!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!
What's going on?
According to the traditions
of the hill folk,
by giving our
daughter a cow,
you've made a formal
proposal of marriage.
This calls for a hoedown.
Blow her a song of love.
I said love, not lust.
I can't get married. I'm only ten.
And I have dreams.
I got 1580 on my DQAT.
- DQAT?
- Dairy Queen Aptitude Test.
800 ice cream,
780 Brazier.
Bart, I'll find a way to
get you out of this wedding.
In the meantime, just say yes,
so Lou will be safe.
Look how happy he is.
I wished I had a tail
what did swap away flies.
Mine just hangs there.
All right, sir,
I'll marry your daughter.
We're gonna have us
the fanciest wedding in the county.
Cletus, open up a wall
so Dia-Betty can come.
Oh, just bring 'em to a window,
so I can pinch 'em.
We always figured
someday Mary would marry.
That's why we called her Mary.
We name all our kids after what
we think's gonna happen to 'em.
Ain't that right,
Stabbed-in-jail?
We'll see who stabs who.
Strained spinach?
I'm not going to eat that.
It's yucky.
Yo, I'm the coolest puppet
in Sockville,
and I love
strained spinach.
Really? I guess I'll
try it then.
I wonder
if Maggie would like it.
Mom, Dad! Bart's marrying
one of Cletus' daughters.
We're putting a stop
to this right now.
Wait. If you stop the wedding,
Bart's cow will die,
and he really cares
about that cow
and Bart doesn't usually care
about stuff, so help.
all right,
I've got an idea,
- but it'll take a lot of sewing.
- I'll get your fabrics.
And I'll make sure
Flanders doesn't bother us.
What was that for?
Bart's in trouble and we don't
need your stupid comments.
Zippin' it up.
Okay, let's set up the
chitlin bar over here.
Uh, start drizzling the crawdad
reduction on the possum pouches.
And excuse me, why are the spittoons
so far from the chaw station?
This is a wedding, people,
not a funeral.
Here you go,
sweetheart.
Something old...
... something new,
something burrowed,
and something stew.
Mama, you know I love
your somethin' stew,
but I got no appetite
for any of this.
you just got cold feet...
'cause you're barefoot
and our floor's made of mud.
Have you seen my sister?
No, and she's cutting
it pretty close.
We're about ten minutes away
from "You may kiss the bride."
Kiss?! I thought we were
just getting married.
Do you, Bart Simpson,
take Mary Wrestlemania Spuckler
to be your lawful
wedded wife
for as long as you
both shall reckon?
I do.
And since we don't need
to hear from women folk
what they think,
I now pronounce you...
Stop the wedding!
Bart is a ten-year-old boy.
He still sits in the driveway
and pretends to drive the car.
Mom, I have to do this.
- I love that big ol' cow.
- How could you say that?
I starved myself to
get into this dress.
No, no, no, no, no,
you look great, honey.
Mom, if I don't get married,
they'll take Lou.
I'm sorry, Bart,
but sometimes
your mom knows best.
Son, I'm afraid
hillbilly law is clear.
If this marriage is off,
then that cow is going
back to the feedlot,
and Mary must taste
the bitter agony
of being an old maid of 11.
Don't feel
bad, sweetie.
I was 13 when I
married your father.
Yeah, and you'd already
been divorced four times.
Good-bye, Lou.
I'll never forget you.
Mom, how could
you do this to me?
Sweetie, don't you think your mom
might have a trick up her sleeve?
No.
- Trust me.
- D'oh! I mean, moo!
Okay, they bought it.
- Have you got Lou in your car?
- Roger that.
You guys come and get me as soon
as they dump me in the feedlot.
Ooh, "Laughter House."
With the world
in the shape it's in,
we could all use some comedy.
Okay, have fun at
the Laughter House.
Now I'll just turn off my
phone to save the battery.
Great plan, Mom.
But where is Lou
going to go?
Don't worry, Bart.
In India, your cow
will be treated like a god
and receive the food
and medical care
that in America would go
to human beings.
Lou,
if that plane leaves the ground
and you're not on it,
you'll regret it.
Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow, but soon,
and definitely
after they kill you
and make you into sloppy joes.
Here's looking at you, cud.
Okay, Lisa, I'm turning
my phone back on
to see if your father
is ready to be picked up.
I have over 400 text messages.
Ready... for... pickup.
Ready... for... pickup.
I'm a human being! Let me go!
You are now entering the killing floor.
that sounds
like Tress MacNeille.
Marge, kids,
the things I saw.
It makes me never want
to eat meat again.
Just fish, chicken, burgers, veal on
Fridays, deer, but only in season
and if necessary, the
sweetest meat of all: human.
For you, Dad,
I consider that a victory.
You're in a better place now, Lou,
and I'll always be proud
that for once in my life,
I had a cow, man.
"Apocalypse Cow"
Hey, hey, kids!
It's a beautiful,
sunny Saturday morning.
So get ready for six hours
of cartoons!
Today's Krusty's Korean
Kartoon Kavalcade starts
with an exciting adventure
of "The Trans-Clown-O-Morphs."
Trans-Clown-O-Morphs
Transforming clowns
that morph
Sent to Earth to defeat
the evil Dino-Robo-Bots
Trans-Clown-O-Morphs
Transforming clowns that morph
And their human friend
is you.
Back off,
Pterodactyl-bots.
You'll never conquer
Big Top City.
Oh, really?
It's time to make you
Trans-Clown-O-Morphs extinct.
Only my Saturday morning viewers
can save me!
Buy my cereal,
find the secret code inside
and text me the message
"start the day with Kellogg's"
- or I will die.
- Enough from you!
Hurry!
Guess no one's buying my cereal.
Buy or I'll die.
Mom, we need to throw out
all this Krusty cereal
and get Robot Clown cereal!
Every week we have
to buy something else
to save that transforming
clown that morphs.
I want you to watch a show
that isn't just one long commercial.
Justin Leonard lines up the putt.
This is for par and a share
of sixth place.
Mom, we need
a Callaway titanium
- perimeter-weighted driver!
- It adds yards to any swing.
You two have been bombarded
with enough commercial images.
Lisa, I've got a big bunch
of black banas.
You know what that means.
Bana bread!
And Bart, you go with your
father to Shelbyville
to get the beanbag chairs
re-beaned.
Oh, no, I hate
the beanbag store.
The clerks are always shouting
in Hebrew on their cell phones.
So Dean Martin would
show up at the last minute
and do everything
in just one take?
- That's right.
- But Wikipedia said
he was "passionate about rehearsal."
Don't you worry about Wikipedia.
We'll change it
when we get home.
We'll change a lot of things.
Hey, check it out!
I wouldn't mind driving that
over a prairie dog village.
Honk to the driver!
Martin?!
What's a tool like you
doing on something cool like that?
Yeah, what's
the deal, loser?
I'm operating
a Combine Harvester.
It's part of my duties
as a member of 4-H.
4- H Club? Is it dangerous?
Indeed, it has
the most finger loss
of any youth organization.
Can I join, Dad?
Can I? Can I? Can I?
Son, a lot of these
youth organizations
encourage parents to get
involved in the activities.
- Not this one.
- Sold!
"I pledge my head
to clearer thinking,
"my heart to greater loyalty,
my hands.."
oh, man, how many
"H's" does this thing have?
Yeah, there's a bunch.
Let's skip the oath and, uh,
get you behind the wheel
of something you can't handle.
Raise articulator,
set hydraulic brakes
and endorse farm subsidy check
for crops I didn't grow.
Okay, 4-H-ers,
here's your summer project:
pick a calf and raise him up
big, strong
and, of course, God-fearing.
And at the end of the summer,
the best calf wins a blue ribbon.
I want a tough one.
I didn't come here today
expecting to fall in love.
Hey, it's the runt.
I'll take anything
but the runt.
looks like
we're partners.
You're a scrappy little misfit,
just like me.
Anyone want to trade?
No reasonable offer refused.
I'll take a chicken.
Pullet, Bantam, Orpington,
Pullet, Flemish Giant,
Pullet, Leghorn...
Keep it down!
I'm trying to feed my runt.
Here, I'll show you what to do.
All right,
I get it, I get it.
- By the way, I'm Mary.
- I'm Bart.
- This is my calf, Lulubelle.
- Uh, you know that's a boy, right?
Oh, I thought she was
peeing out of her nipple.
- How 'bout you just call him "Lou"?
- That's great.
It rhymes "moo."
So what do you think of my calf?
Now son, I'm not here to judge.
- Actually, yes, you are.
- Eh, what?
Oh, right, I am.
Well, I don't know
much about cows,
but I think we have a winner!
You're the greatest cow
in the world!
I'm going to be
your friend forever.
Bart, you do know
what happens next?
- Something happens next?
- Son, your calf is going
to be taken to a feedlot...
- Lots of feed... that sounds good.
- .... then slaughtered.
But he won!
Why don't you kill
the loser cows?
Oh, we will,
but your cow
gets to go first.
Mom, they're going to kill Lou
and make him into food and
fringe vests for gay cowboys.
Can we buy him back? Can we?
honey, we'd love to,
but a prizewinning bull
is thousands of dollars.
Oh, man.
Son, let this be a lesson:
never work hard and don't form
emotional attachments.
Also, don't be a cow.
Lou?
Oh, man, now I feel so bad
I'm imaging I hear your voice.
Leave me alone!
It's not my fault there's nothing good to
eat on this planet except meat!
I can't help you!
I'm just a little boy!
Bart, are you all right?
I hear Lou mooing
in my head.
What you heard
was your conscience
telling you to stop
eating meat.
If I could save Lou,
I'd never eat meat again.
Not even prosciutto and melon!
"Anguished Animals III"?
That wasn't my conscience
mooing, it was...
Tress MacNeille!
All right,
so I put that there
to get you to stop
eating meat.
But your body is going
to miss the protein,
so you'll have
to take these pills.
Sorry, Lis.
I can't be a vegetarian.
I love the taste of death.
But please, help me
get my cow back.
Okay, meet me halfway.
Stop stirring your lemonade
with a sausage.
- Give me a minute.
- Come on.
It's a no-brainer.
Aw, man, I never figured
the gate would be locked.
It's like they knew
we were coming.
Don't worry; I called
some animal activists
who can help us get in.
I'll just give the signal.
Milk is murder.
Cheese is genocide.
- Good to see you, Windsong.
- Windsong?
Yeah, it's my code name. This is
Compost and this is Solar Panel.
What's my code name?
Lisa's Brother.
Forgive us for this violation,
Mother Fence.
We honor
your chain-link spirit.
Lou.
Lou.
Lou, where are you,
little buddy?
Lou, what happened to you?
You got fat.
Of course he did.
His food is laced
with growth hormones.
I don't care how much
of a pumped-up freak you are.
I still love you.
The way Barry Bonds' kids
probably still love him.
Come on. Come on.
How we going to get
him out of here?
Wow, you did learn a lot
at 4-H.
Hell, yeah.
That was a
practice cow.
What are we going
to do with him?
Well, your friend Mary
from 4-H lives on a farm.
Lou can stay with her.
a cow on a farm.
With a moo-moo here
and a moo-moo there...
Yes, it works.
All right, Lou,
to freedom!
Lou?
Howdy, what's yours
that mine's is Cletus?
He wants to know
your name.
Oh, I'm Bart Simpson.
Is Mary here?
Hang on. Hey, Mary, there's a
boy here askin' on you!
Hey, Bart.
I didn't know
Cletus was your dad.
She had a regular city birth
in a gas station.
The feedlot wants to kill Lou
and I can't keep him.
Can I give him to you?
Brandine, a young feller
just offered Mary a cow!
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!
What's going on?
According to the traditions
of the hill folk,
by giving our
daughter a cow,
you've made a formal
proposal of marriage.
This calls for a hoedown.
Blow her a song of love.
I said love, not lust.
I can't get married. I'm only ten.
And I have dreams.
I got 1580 on my DQAT.
- DQAT?
- Dairy Queen Aptitude Test.
800 ice cream,
780 Brazier.
Bart, I'll find a way to
get you out of this wedding.
In the meantime, just say yes,
so Lou will be safe.
Look how happy he is.
I wished I had a tail
what did swap away flies.
Mine just hangs there.
All right, sir,
I'll marry your daughter.
We're gonna have us
the fanciest wedding in the county.
Cletus, open up a wall
so Dia-Betty can come.
Oh, just bring 'em to a window,
so I can pinch 'em.
We always figured
someday Mary would marry.
That's why we called her Mary.
We name all our kids after what
we think's gonna happen to 'em.
Ain't that right,
Stabbed-in-jail?
We'll see who stabs who.
Strained spinach?
I'm not going to eat that.
It's yucky.
Yo, I'm the coolest puppet
in Sockville,
and I love
strained spinach.
Really? I guess I'll
try it then.
I wonder
if Maggie would like it.
Mom, Dad! Bart's marrying
one of Cletus' daughters.
We're putting a stop
to this right now.
Wait. If you stop the wedding,
Bart's cow will die,
and he really cares
about that cow
and Bart doesn't usually care
about stuff, so help.
all right,
I've got an idea,
- but it'll take a lot of sewing.
- I'll get your fabrics.
And I'll make sure
Flanders doesn't bother us.
What was that for?
Bart's in trouble and we don't
need your stupid comments.
Zippin' it up.
Okay, let's set up the
chitlin bar over here.
Uh, start drizzling the crawdad
reduction on the possum pouches.
And excuse me, why are the spittoons
so far from the chaw station?
This is a wedding, people,
not a funeral.
Here you go,
sweetheart.
Something old...
... something new,
something burrowed,
and something stew.
Mama, you know I love
your somethin' stew,
but I got no appetite
for any of this.
you just got cold feet...
'cause you're barefoot
and our floor's made of mud.
Have you seen my sister?
No, and she's cutting
it pretty close.
We're about ten minutes away
from "You may kiss the bride."
Kiss?! I thought we were
just getting married.
Do you, Bart Simpson,
take Mary Wrestlemania Spuckler
to be your lawful
wedded wife
for as long as you
both shall reckon?
I do.
And since we don't need
to hear from women folk
what they think,
I now pronounce you...
Stop the wedding!
Bart is a ten-year-old boy.
He still sits in the driveway
and pretends to drive the car.
Mom, I have to do this.
- I love that big ol' cow.
- How could you say that?
I starved myself to
get into this dress.
No, no, no, no, no,
you look great, honey.
Mom, if I don't get married,
they'll take Lou.
I'm sorry, Bart,
but sometimes
your mom knows best.
Son, I'm afraid
hillbilly law is clear.
If this marriage is off,
then that cow is going
back to the feedlot,
and Mary must taste
the bitter agony
of being an old maid of 11.
Don't feel
bad, sweetie.
I was 13 when I
married your father.
Yeah, and you'd already
been divorced four times.
Good-bye, Lou.
I'll never forget you.
Mom, how could
you do this to me?
Sweetie, don't you think your mom
might have a trick up her sleeve?
No.
- Trust me.
- D'oh! I mean, moo!
Okay, they bought it.
- Have you got Lou in your car?
- Roger that.
You guys come and get me as soon
as they dump me in the feedlot.
Ooh, "Laughter House."
With the world
in the shape it's in,
we could all use some comedy.
Okay, have fun at
the Laughter House.
Now I'll just turn off my
phone to save the battery.
Great plan, Mom.
But where is Lou
going to go?
Don't worry, Bart.
In India, your cow
will be treated like a god
and receive the food
and medical care
that in America would go
to human beings.
Lou,
if that plane leaves the ground
and you're not on it,
you'll regret it.
Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow, but soon,
and definitely
after they kill you
and make you into sloppy joes.
Here's looking at you, cud.
Okay, Lisa, I'm turning
my phone back on
to see if your father
is ready to be picked up.
I have over 400 text messages.
Ready... for... pickup.
Ready... for... pickup.
I'm a human being! Let me go!
You are now entering the killing floor.
that sounds
like Tress MacNeille.
Marge, kids,
the things I saw.
It makes me never want
to eat meat again.
Just fish, chicken, burgers, veal on
Fridays, deer, but only in season
and if necessary, the
sweetest meat of all: human.
For you, Dad,
I consider that a victory.
You're in a better place now, Lou,
and I'll always be proud
that for once in my life,
I had a cow, man.