The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 19, Episode 15 - Smoke on the Daughter - full transcript

The Simpsons S19E15 (KABF08)
- Smoke on the Daughter -

Bart, it's me!

I'm Lord Evilton from
the Angelica Button books.

The last book in
the series goes on sale

at midnight and we're going
to go stand in line.

Wait in line for a book?!

- You tell 'em Bart says hey.
- Come on, boy.

All the nerds are doing it.

I'm not a nerd.
I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.

- It's the final book!
- I wonder what happens?

Maybe the Sandrux is the Narcolops.



I read a rumor Spider-man's in it.

Shut up! Shut up!

This is a spoiler-free zone.

Nice Angelica Button costume, Lisa.

Although...

the gryphon on your coat
of arms is facing left not right.

And FYI, Angelica wears
two tortoise shell barrs.

Nice try, though.

I based my costume on the books,
not the movies.

Okay, I'm going to hand
out colored bracelets.

The color on your bracelet
will determine....

Move or die!

It's for my kid!

Eureka!



Now read it to me!

"The Dark Lord has summoned you"
said the withered troll.

Do the character voices!

"And bring your cloak.

The torture room can be
frightfully chilly."

Angelica's first kiss, da-da-da.

Subplot about her cat, who cares?

Professor Skizzletwitch is a Were-bear,
and, uh, no, no, he's not.

Maluicious Krubb is actually
Kraluicious Mubb.

All is lost, Angelica uses the spell
she learned in chapter six.

Magic, magic, magic,
all is won.

Well, that's our book for the year.

I think we've earned some TV.

TV! TV! TV!

But kids, I want you in bed by 3:00 a.m.

Hey, somebody's got to be the bad guy.

But I don't understand,
how could he have murdered his wife

if he was making
a phone call 3,000 miles away?

Well, maybe he reached out done

and killed someone.

I saw this.
He trained his dog to do it.

Up next,
which former Friends star

is speaking out against
adult illiteracy?

It's Lisa Kudrow.

Stop saying things, Bart.

That's the TV's job.

And the First Lady
has agreed

to sit on the egg
until it hatches.

More after this.

See that?
That's talent.

You think you got it?
You don't.

'Cause only I can teach it and
I ain't taught you, so you don't

The Chazz Busby Ballet Academy
is coming to Springfield.

Auditions are Monday.

Callbacks are Tuesday.

Wednesday,
you see I'm a heartless bastard.

Thursday you realize
you love me, damn it.

Friday, we're closed.

You're fired.

You're her.

Jump, dance, love.

A ballet academy here
in Springfield?

Move over, Europe!

I didn't know you cared
about ballet.

Lisa, have I ever shown you
my Shattered Dreams Box?

No.

It's upstairs in
my Disappointment Closet.

There were so many things I wanted to

do in life that I never got
a chance to do:

doctor, safecracker,

stethoscope sales lady.

None came to pass.

But the thing I really wanted to be,

ever since I was little,

was a ballerina.

So what happened?

My bosoms came in
and ruined my balance.

Really? How?

They came in one at a time.

- Oh... do you think mine...?
- No.

I'm pretty sure you'll have
your dad's boobs.

Mom, it's not too late
to un-shatter your dream.

Martha Graham danced
well into her 70s.

You mean she danced well,
into her 70s?

Or she danced,
well into her 70s?

Well, she danced into her 70s.

I think you've got a point.

Homie, I'm gonna be a dancer!

Go-go or boring?

- Boring!
- Oh...

Okay, ladies, listen up:

Forget everything you've
ever learned about ballet...

good.

Now, from Bolshoi Fifth Position,

give me a Battement Glisse,

a Double Changement,
two Swan Lake Fouett?s,

then finish with
a Grand Pas De Chat.

Now show me what you got, uh...

Simpson, comma, Marge.

I haven't seen dancing like that since
my Broadway show Dancing Like That.

Closed in a week.

Too smart for the corndog crowd,

too dumb for the bagel bunch.

You keep it up, kid.

You got something.

Son, while your mother and
little mother are out,

I'm gonna let you in on a deep,
dark family secret.

You have a drinking problem?

I said secret.

Have you ever wondered what
I do in that locked room?

Gay out?

Well, wonder no more!

Beef jerky!

The queen of all the jerkys!

That's right.

Now, I'll cut and you soak.

Dad, marinating with you is cool.

Thanks, son.

Some of that is cow blood.

Look, Lise!
I'm as supple as ever!

It won't go down.

Marge, Marge, Marge...

you know what they say,
those who cannot do...

- Teach?
- No, they go home.

How can they teach if they can't do?

Get out!

You can't talk to my mom like that.

Who the hell...

taught you to stand like that?

This is how I always stand

when I tell adults what
they should be doing.

You have naturally perfect posture.

I rarely say this, but,
how would you like to become

to a paying student at my dance academy?

Uh, I don't know, I...

We accept!

I'm sorry, I got confused.

You don't get to be "confused."

Not till you've won six Tonys,
gone into rehab,

married your plastic surgeon, retired,

and then un-retired in a special little
show called Woman of the Year...

you can't, uh...

Hey, I forget where I'm going with this.

Take a break, people.

Eh, eh, eh, en pointe!

This is so hard.

Get used to it.

We balerinas are under constant
pressure to stay focused,

skinny, graceful and skinny.

How do you cope with it?

You find out what works you.

For some people it might be yoga,

for others, meditation.

But for every ballerina in the world,
it's cigarettes.

Cigarettes?!

They can kill you.

They did a whole episode about it on

The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.

Zack tried to impress a girl by smoking,

but she went for Cody instead.

Zack's life wasn't so sweet then.

If God didn't want ballerinas to smoke,

how come I can do this?

No!

All I need to stay focused

is good old-fashioned fresh air.

Nothing like fresh air.

Fresh air.

Horrible, horrible, horrible...

no longer describes
your dancing, Lisa.

You're good, kid!

I've gotten better since this morning.

How could that have happened?

Maybe it's all the secondhand
"focus" and "pep" you are inhaling.

They don't call these
"dancer sticks" for nothin'.

I thought they were cancer sticks.

I dan't dear dou!

My Hindu friend,
this is a chance for your Kwik-E-Mart to

get in on the ground floor of
a delicious new taste sensation.

You talk a good game,

but do you have
the product to back it up?

Step into our Jerkatorium.

What the...!

Where's our jerky?

You have wasted my time!

You have made
a very powerless enemy.

Good day and be well!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

You haven't seen our
PowerPoint presentation...

Bart?

"J," just the product you need.

"E," excellent value.

"R," retailer's dream.

"K..."

You can skip the "K" and the "Y."

I do not thank you
and I will not come again.

Who could have done this?

Well, something chewed
through the cellar door

and the floor is covered
with paw prints...

is can only mean one thing:

Flanders, you ate my jerky!

As the oak said to the beagle,
you're barkin' up the wrong tree.

I spent the whole morning
blacking out the "goshes"

and "darns" in these Hardy Boys books.

I know you ate my jerky

just like I ate
your earthquake supplies.

Dad, look!
Raccoons!

You stay right here.

Okily dokily!

Ah! "heck, darn."

I don't think so.

Lisa...

Lisa Simpson...

Time for a smoke.

Look, everyone knows that
cigarettes are where flavor lives

and a cool choice for a hot night.

But they're for losers!

Losers?

You mean losers like...

Simone de Beauvoir, Margaret Mead,

Queen Elizabeth I, Lauren Bacall...

My feminist heroes!

Don't forget me
Lillian Hellman!

Smoking gave me the energy I needed
to write plays and inventiveness!

Bring out the Hellman's,
and bring out the best.

Puff with us!

Puff with us!

Puff with us!

Yeah, that's it,
don't be shy.

Enjoy your jerky laced
with sleeping pills.

Nobody outwits Homer Simpson.

Hey, they're not sleepy.

Just turning fuzzy.

Homer, you ate their jerky.

I thought this might happen,

so I brought the best weapon
to operate while drugged:

a crossbow.

No!

Chazz Busby says
you're really making progress!

Do you need more leg warmers?

No, stop buying me leg warmers!

I'm already wearing six pairs!

Well, the important thing is,
someday,

I'll be watching my little Marge

dancing at Lincoln Center.

Lisa, Mom. I'm Lisa.

Of course, you're Lisa.

Lisa the dancing Marge girl.

Dad, you never win a

fight with animals.

Remember when you lost
that war with the worms?

That wasn't a defeat,

it was a phased withdrawal.

Oh, yeah?
They made you build this statue.

When you cut 'em, they multiply.

I can't fight that!

Now, let's take care
of those raccoons.

Aw, they're using the jerky
to feed their family.

Look, there's a Homer and a Bart

and a Marge and a Lisa.

Aw, they even share
my views on parenting!

Enjoy your jerky,
little critters,

and, one day, you'll
grow up to be people.

Bart, get some more jerky

for man's new best friend.

When's our next break?

When the big cigarette hits 9.

All right, that was pretty good

for uncoordinated hippopotamuses.

Hit the river, ladies.

Go ahead, have a wallow.

What am I doing?

I don't need second hand
smoke to do ballet...

I need firsthand smoke!

Lisa!

Give me that!

I can't believe how easy it is

in this country
to get cigarettes.

I can't believe you
were smoking.

Did you know the "sturgeon" general

said you're not supposed to?

A "sturgeon" is a fish.

And a very wise fish he is!

Marge, I'm taking Lisa out
of that stupid...

What the...?

Oh, Homie,

I've been so happy lately.

I'm completely fulfilled,

both as a mother and
a fan of youth ballet!

Now what did you want
to say to me?

Are you sure you want
Lisa to keep dancing?

There's nothing that makes
a mother's heart

soar more than seeing
child take wing.

Look at me, I'm glowing!

Maybe you're drunk.

Homie, Lisa's dancing has made

me really, really, happy.

Okay.

Oh, fatherhood hurts my brain.

Dad!

Dad, a little help?

You're on your own.

Because it means so much
to your mother,

you can keep doing ballet.

But you have to stop smoking,

including secondhand!

That's easy for you to say.

You've never had
to be thin and focused.

What'd you say?

I'm just saying it's gonna be hard
for me to quit,

especially before the recital.

I thought you might have
trouble with this.

That's why I'm assigning someone
to keep watch over you.

Someone you'd never expect.

- Is it Bart?
- D'oh!

Come on out, boy.

For the next three days,

I'm gonna stick to you like
waffle syrup on a shag rug.

I'm gonna be on you like fish stink

on a Gloucester dog.

I'm gonna be all over you like...

where'd she go?

Okay, everybody!
Dress rehearsal!

Hey, I'm still paying
for that nose!

Lisa, the last time I checked,

this was not Worldwide Wrestling.

And I checked five minutes ago.

Hey Lisa, come on over.

I can't... I promised I wouldn't.

If you don't breathe it,

that smoke might go
into a baby.

Well, since you cared enough

to apply peer pressure...

There you go. Awesome.
You go, girl.

Much better.
That's it, yeah.

Yello.

She what?!

Oh, my God!

Well, I'm going to settle
this once and for all!

Meet me at
the place we discussed.

- Who was that?
- Wrong number.

Five min ladies.

Okay, Bart, it's time
for Operation:

Crazy-Plan.

Step one: we chuck
the raccoon in there.

What if someone catches him?

Don't worry.

I have a perfect way
to conceal his identity.

Okay, now go, boy!

Not keys, cigarettes!

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Okay, now we get rid
of the cigarettes.

Lord, I could use a smoke.

Thank god.

Cigarette?

Can't. I'm pregnant.

Uh, one more favor?

Wow, what a great first act.

I hope Sleeping Beauty

never wakes up.

Good, that's so hot.
Good job. Great.

My cigarettes!

What happened
to my cigarettes?!

Found one!

That's your finger!

I don't care!

Watch your hoof,
you blue-ribbon sow.

I'll spit on your grave,
grandma!

Oh, no!
My appetite's coming back!

I haven't seen crap like this

since my Broadway show:

Crap Like This.

Ran for five years.

We can smoke the programs!

I can smoke my hair!

Maybe there's gum
under the seats!

All right, that's enough!

I want to talk about
a horrible practice

afflicting millions of Americans.

For years we've known
how dangerous it is.

It stunts your growth.

And it's marketed
to children.

I'm talking about ballet.

I'll smoke to that!

Ballet is unnatural and
unfair to women.

I shall now cast off the shoes

of oppression!

You'll never take down
big ballet!

Never!
Now good day!

This is my favorite family tradition...

ice cream after
a botched recital.

And I'm happy
to be smoke-free,

thanks to these children's
nicotine patches.

And I realize it's wrong to
try to live your career dreams

through your children.

Does that mean I can stop training

to be a Mexican wrestler?

No!

Now practice preening
to the crowd, El Guapo.

Come on, preen harder!

Make them hate you!

You feed on their hatred and
you are so hungry!

No me gusta.