The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 19, Episode 14 - Dial 'N' for Nerder - full transcript
One of Bart's pranks results in Martin's death, but Lisa doesn't want him to confess because she would be considered an accomplice. Marge hires a television crew to find out if Homer is cheating on his diet.
The Simpsons S19E14 (KABF07)
- Dial 'N' for Nerder -
Come and get me,
you syrupy stack of man-cakes.
It's too much work.
Why don't you come
and get me?
Jeez Louise,
are you okay?
Just give me a minute.
Uh, but feel free
to go nuts on me.
Oh, boy, dinner time!
The perfect break
between work and drunk.
Wait.
What's that smell?
It's like a stalk of broccoli
fell in a pot of boiling water.
It's your new diet!
But I have all those old diets
I still haven't finished.
Your lack of bedroom pizzazz
last night started me worrying,
so I hired this nutritionist,
Betsy Bidwell.
Homer, did you know I
used to weigh 400 pounds?
I'll bet no man
would touch you.
Well, I went from
fat to "all that"
using my simple,
foolproof diet.
It's all about little
substitutions.
Instead of French toast
for breakfast,
why not eat a bell pepper?
When you crave something sugary,
eat a bell pepper.
Want a beer?
Bell pepper!
It's tangy like a pepper,
but crunchy like a bell!
Bell pepper!
Hot dogs!
Get your hot dogs.
One, please.
Bell peppers... piping cold,
crunchy and bland.
Three, please.
Not quite.
Yeah. Get out.
You've gained seven pounds!
Well, they say muscle
weighse than fat.
Homer,
your body is all fat.
Homie, have you been
cheating on your diet?!
What?!
I'm not even gonna dignify
that with eye contact.
What you doin', Mom,
goin' crazy?
Searching for evidence.
I know your father's
cheating on his diet.
Hey, Marge, looking
for something?
I'm looking for something,
too...
a bell pepper I don't like.
Maybe it'll be this one.
Wrong again.
See that fat lady with
the moustache?
That's you.
See that hippo rolling in dung?
You're the dung.
Now, that's enough.
You each got one in.
Oh, but hers was better!
Meet Jennifer.
She's worried her
acupuncturist boyfriend
is sticking it to someone else.
He used to be so loving.
Now he says
he's always working late,
but when he comes home,
his needles aren't even bloody!
I've tried everything
except talking to him.
Help me, TV show!
We'll find out
if Jennifer's boyfriend
has been fooling around
on Sneakers.
If you suspect a loved one
of cheating on you,
call the Sneakers hotline.
Also call if you don't suspect.
Most cheating happens when
you think everything is just great.
Hmm. Could this show help
me with eating cheating?
Out of the house, kids!
I have to make an
adult phone call.
- Oh, man,not again...
- How would you....? Come on.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Springfields national park
Now smaller than ever
Hey, I didn't know
this park was here.
You wrote a report
on it last week.
The Internet wrote it.
I just handed it in.
Whoa, check that out!
Cool! The strong kicking
the weak's butt.
It's disgusting!
Now you two play nice!
This is my husband.
I think he's been
sneakering on his diet.
I didn't used to mind it
when he'd lock the bathroom
door and snack off,
but when he's getting it regular,
night after night after night...
There, there.
I'm sorry I'm so emotional.
No, I mean,
cry to the camera over there.
There.
Yeah!
Hey, Martin,
what are you doing?
Excavating for arrowheads!
Dude, it's Saturday.
- What kindof a freak wastes his...?
- May I join you?
Care to make ita trio, Bart?
You can brush,
and I can blow!
Well, I agree you blow.
Then it's a plan.
A lot of people blow,
but no one blows like you.
High praiseindeed!
When you look up blow
in the dictionary...
- Bart, he's not gonna get it!
- Fine.
The bone's the very thing,
methinks,
to prank my sister
and the dink.
Martin, I've made
a major discovery!
A bone?!
It could be one
of the major homos!
- You're one oft he major...
- Forget it.
- Martin!
- Oh, my God!
Grab on to this!
Come on, wake up!
Bart!
You can't just run
away from this!
You're right.
I can bike away much faster,
and ring the bell
to drown out bad thoughts!
But Bart...
Bart, Martin could be
seriously hurt, or worse.
You're right.
We have to do something.
Let's watch TV!
Happy, happy safe at home
Happy, happy...
We interrupt
Kaptain Kiddy's Komfort Karnival
to report on a grisly incident
involving a small child,
who has apparently
plunged off a guardrail here
at Springfield National Park.
According to this pocket protector,
the victim's name is
Martin Prince.
Sadly, his pocket was protected,
but nothing else.
And we know exactly
who is to blame.
No one.
The boy clearly fell by accident.
Huh?
He crashed through
the tree canopy there,
and was presumably eaten
by this cougar,
who is still coughing up
parts of the boy's clothes.
Tragic, just tragic.
You think this would fit
little Ralphy?
Chief, that's evidence.
I know,
but after it's evidence,
it's a shirt again, isn't it?
So Chief, what's your final word
on the Prince boy?
Hmm? Oh, dead.
Definitely dead.
Uh, Chief, aren't
we supposed to, uh,
notify the mily first?
What do you think
I'm doing right now?
Happy, happy, safe at home.
- Oh, my God!
- We're murderers!
Hey, I was trying to help him.
At worst, I'm an accomplice.
I'm an accomplice!
Bookmobile.
Got any Joyce Carol Oates?
Nope.
It's allDanielle Steel.
I've been in trouble,
but never like this.
Guess I'll go turn myself in.
Uh, let's think about this.
Martin's gone,
but it was an accident.
Ruining our lives
won't bring him back.
Lisa!
You're saying
we shouldn't tell the truth?!
I'm saying this is worse than
a million A minuses!
So, how was your outside time?
We were never outside.
We were here all day.
That quick talking
is never a good sign.
That's usually true,
but in this case, it's not.
Hmm. The kids are
acting awfully strange.
Maybe I should sit down
with them and...
- Homer, where are you going?!
- Work.
It's 4:00 o'clock
on a Saturday.
I, uh,...
have to count the atoms
at the nuclear plant.
Conservation of mass.
It's the law.
The load is on the road.
This episode's gonna be great.
It'll finally win me
the respect of my father,
the Reverend Billy Graham, Junior.
Martin Prince was known
by many names...
Martin Priss, Martin Princess,
Fartin' Prince,
Martin the Brown-Nosed Reindeer...
That was mine.
Martin was a shy, awkward child
who will never fulfill his
promise to become
a weird, unloved adult.
The Audio-Visual Club
has prepared a video tribute
to their fallen associate.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Jimbo, stop that.
Usually when I do
something bad, I feel good.
But not this time.
Martin was like Jesus, only real.
Bart, keep it together.
People are looking.
I'm filled with rue.
You know,
something bugs me.
Martin was afraid of heights.
What's he doing on a cliff?
It don't add up.
Hey, look who's trying to add.
You wuss.
The pig is in the sty.
You know, I used to make
documentaries about
coal miners, migrant workers,
things that mattered.
Yeah yeah, we're all whores.
Just get in there.
Into your hands,
I commend this crap.
Well, enough burning ants.
Time to investigate.
I now declare you
chips and salsa.
Oh, hey, kids.
Um... what's up?
What do you mean "what's up"?
Why would something be up?
Yeah, nothing's up,
nothing's down,
except for Martin, who died.
- Idiot!
- D'oh!
Well, I certainly wasn't eating
chips and salsa
from this briefcase.
- What's up?
- Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Mmm, lamb.
Uh, I've never said this before,
but turn the camera off.
- Hey, you little murderer.
- What?!
Those shades are killing me,
they're so cute.
Act like you're shopping.
We can't be seen together.
- But we're brother and sister.
- Exactly.
- Give me an lndian burn.
- But...
Don't make me say
"Indian" again.
Afternoon.
Doing a little shopping, huh?
Shopping at the Kwik-E-Mart.
I like how "Kwik" is spelled
with a "K."
It's a quicker way
of spelling "quick. "
Well, you're busy people.
I'll let you get on
with your day.
Oh, there is
one other thing.
I was up in
Springfield National Park.
You know,
where Martin bit the big one?
Found this bone tied
to a string.
Almost like someone
was playing a prank on him.
You like pranks,
don't you, dingus?
I... like pranks.
Everyone likes pranks,
e- even Dr. Hibbert.
I hate pranks.
Well, better get going.
The missus is cooking
meat loaf tonight.
My mom... Mrs. Muntz.
Bart, I have a plan.
We go to the morgue and
come back with a hand,
put its fingerprints
all over the railing...
Why are you being
so quiet, Bart?
Are you judging me?
Please don't judge me.
"I can't live with the guilt.
I'm going to Martin's house
to end it all"?!
Come on, pick up, pick up,
I know you're there.
Listen, baby,
the other night was great,
but it can never happen again.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I have to see you right now.
Bart, no, don't do...
whatever the heck
you're doing.
I'm tending to Martin's
butterfly enclosure.
His butterflies are emerging
from their chrysalises tonight.
You said you wanted
to end it all.
By which I meant bring Martin's
butterfly project to completion.
I can't take it anymore.
The stress is killing me.
I'm on a freight train
to Crazy Town.
- ?alm down.
- You calm down!
What was that?
The butterflies are hatching.
Aren't they beautiful?
Greetings, my friends.
This beguiling lute solo
will ease your metamorphoses.
Oh, it's a tape.
Martin must have set it to go off
when the chrysalises hatched.
Now, if I may mimic
your mother's feeding call...
Clawdy-claw,
clickety-cloo, clawdy-claw...
Thank you.
I thought I turned
that tape off.
Maybe you just put
it on auto-reverse.
"Congratulations on purchasing
the Sanyo DL30,
the finest non-reversing
tape player"...
Here you go, hon-
one Butterscotch Stallion.
Homer Jay Simpson!
Pudding power, activate!
Oh, no, you don't.
Let him have it, Marge.
Sweetheart, I didn't want
to deceive you.
I just couldn't stand to see
the disappointment
in your beautiful eyes.
That's it, Marge.
Slap him good.
Zack, you're not trying
to help our marriage.
You're trying to split us up.
I'd rather have a chubby
hubby than a sexy exy.
Aw, Marge, if there was
a reality show
called Fat Guys Who Really
Love Their Wives,
that not only would it be an
enormous ratings success,
but I'd be the first one on it.
Marge, you've given me a lot
to think about today.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to the editing room
to make you look insane.
To the post-production trailer!
Where is this music coming from?
Get off me!
His foot is caught
in my button hole.
I almost flicked
an innocent butterfly.
Bart, we're turning
into monsters.
- Cool.
- No, not cool.
We have to do the right thing
and come clean.
Listen, world,
we killed Martin Prince!
That's all I needed to hear.
You almost got away with it,
but here's where you got sloppy:
shouting out that you did it.
Oh, man, I'm too pretty
to go to jail.
You don't know
how lucky you are.
I'm just glad it was you
who brought us in, Nelson.
Remember when
we used to date?
If you let me go,
we can get back together.
I never let you cherry-bomb
my Malibu Stacy.
I'll let you do it now.
Save it for the warden.
Please, keep it down
around the newborns.
To quote Mark Twain,
"rumors of my death
have been greatly exaggerated. "
Yeah, and rumors
of your wussiness
are a hundred percent true.
Now tell us how
you survived the fall.
For years I've worn underwear
with a wedgie-accommodating
waistband.
On that fateful day,
these mighty whiteys
saved my life.
Malheureusement, I landed
right next to a cougar's lair.
He saw me as easy prey.
I feared death was a certainty
until I was saved
by simple physics.
I landed on a small isle
in the middle of a murky lake.
I spent an hour fashioning
an escape raft
and three days crafting
this modesty skirt.
Well, it's good to have
you alive, Dorkburger,
and as for you two,
I hope you learned your lesson.
I learned that beneath
my goody two-shoes
lie some very dark socks.
And I learned that killing a nerd
is not as fun as it sounds.
There is just one more thing.
You folks have
a good night now.
- Dial 'N' for Nerder -
Come and get me,
you syrupy stack of man-cakes.
It's too much work.
Why don't you come
and get me?
Jeez Louise,
are you okay?
Just give me a minute.
Uh, but feel free
to go nuts on me.
Oh, boy, dinner time!
The perfect break
between work and drunk.
Wait.
What's that smell?
It's like a stalk of broccoli
fell in a pot of boiling water.
It's your new diet!
But I have all those old diets
I still haven't finished.
Your lack of bedroom pizzazz
last night started me worrying,
so I hired this nutritionist,
Betsy Bidwell.
Homer, did you know I
used to weigh 400 pounds?
I'll bet no man
would touch you.
Well, I went from
fat to "all that"
using my simple,
foolproof diet.
It's all about little
substitutions.
Instead of French toast
for breakfast,
why not eat a bell pepper?
When you crave something sugary,
eat a bell pepper.
Want a beer?
Bell pepper!
It's tangy like a pepper,
but crunchy like a bell!
Bell pepper!
Hot dogs!
Get your hot dogs.
One, please.
Bell peppers... piping cold,
crunchy and bland.
Three, please.
Not quite.
Yeah. Get out.
You've gained seven pounds!
Well, they say muscle
weighse than fat.
Homer,
your body is all fat.
Homie, have you been
cheating on your diet?!
What?!
I'm not even gonna dignify
that with eye contact.
What you doin', Mom,
goin' crazy?
Searching for evidence.
I know your father's
cheating on his diet.
Hey, Marge, looking
for something?
I'm looking for something,
too...
a bell pepper I don't like.
Maybe it'll be this one.
Wrong again.
See that fat lady with
the moustache?
That's you.
See that hippo rolling in dung?
You're the dung.
Now, that's enough.
You each got one in.
Oh, but hers was better!
Meet Jennifer.
She's worried her
acupuncturist boyfriend
is sticking it to someone else.
He used to be so loving.
Now he says
he's always working late,
but when he comes home,
his needles aren't even bloody!
I've tried everything
except talking to him.
Help me, TV show!
We'll find out
if Jennifer's boyfriend
has been fooling around
on Sneakers.
If you suspect a loved one
of cheating on you,
call the Sneakers hotline.
Also call if you don't suspect.
Most cheating happens when
you think everything is just great.
Hmm. Could this show help
me with eating cheating?
Out of the house, kids!
I have to make an
adult phone call.
- Oh, man,not again...
- How would you....? Come on.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Springfields national park
Now smaller than ever
Hey, I didn't know
this park was here.
You wrote a report
on it last week.
The Internet wrote it.
I just handed it in.
Whoa, check that out!
Cool! The strong kicking
the weak's butt.
It's disgusting!
Now you two play nice!
This is my husband.
I think he's been
sneakering on his diet.
I didn't used to mind it
when he'd lock the bathroom
door and snack off,
but when he's getting it regular,
night after night after night...
There, there.
I'm sorry I'm so emotional.
No, I mean,
cry to the camera over there.
There.
Yeah!
Hey, Martin,
what are you doing?
Excavating for arrowheads!
Dude, it's Saturday.
- What kindof a freak wastes his...?
- May I join you?
Care to make ita trio, Bart?
You can brush,
and I can blow!
Well, I agree you blow.
Then it's a plan.
A lot of people blow,
but no one blows like you.
High praiseindeed!
When you look up blow
in the dictionary...
- Bart, he's not gonna get it!
- Fine.
The bone's the very thing,
methinks,
to prank my sister
and the dink.
Martin, I've made
a major discovery!
A bone?!
It could be one
of the major homos!
- You're one oft he major...
- Forget it.
- Martin!
- Oh, my God!
Grab on to this!
Come on, wake up!
Bart!
You can't just run
away from this!
You're right.
I can bike away much faster,
and ring the bell
to drown out bad thoughts!
But Bart...
Bart, Martin could be
seriously hurt, or worse.
You're right.
We have to do something.
Let's watch TV!
Happy, happy safe at home
Happy, happy...
We interrupt
Kaptain Kiddy's Komfort Karnival
to report on a grisly incident
involving a small child,
who has apparently
plunged off a guardrail here
at Springfield National Park.
According to this pocket protector,
the victim's name is
Martin Prince.
Sadly, his pocket was protected,
but nothing else.
And we know exactly
who is to blame.
No one.
The boy clearly fell by accident.
Huh?
He crashed through
the tree canopy there,
and was presumably eaten
by this cougar,
who is still coughing up
parts of the boy's clothes.
Tragic, just tragic.
You think this would fit
little Ralphy?
Chief, that's evidence.
I know,
but after it's evidence,
it's a shirt again, isn't it?
So Chief, what's your final word
on the Prince boy?
Hmm? Oh, dead.
Definitely dead.
Uh, Chief, aren't
we supposed to, uh,
notify the mily first?
What do you think
I'm doing right now?
Happy, happy, safe at home.
- Oh, my God!
- We're murderers!
Hey, I was trying to help him.
At worst, I'm an accomplice.
I'm an accomplice!
Bookmobile.
Got any Joyce Carol Oates?
Nope.
It's allDanielle Steel.
I've been in trouble,
but never like this.
Guess I'll go turn myself in.
Uh, let's think about this.
Martin's gone,
but it was an accident.
Ruining our lives
won't bring him back.
Lisa!
You're saying
we shouldn't tell the truth?!
I'm saying this is worse than
a million A minuses!
So, how was your outside time?
We were never outside.
We were here all day.
That quick talking
is never a good sign.
That's usually true,
but in this case, it's not.
Hmm. The kids are
acting awfully strange.
Maybe I should sit down
with them and...
- Homer, where are you going?!
- Work.
It's 4:00 o'clock
on a Saturday.
I, uh,...
have to count the atoms
at the nuclear plant.
Conservation of mass.
It's the law.
The load is on the road.
This episode's gonna be great.
It'll finally win me
the respect of my father,
the Reverend Billy Graham, Junior.
Martin Prince was known
by many names...
Martin Priss, Martin Princess,
Fartin' Prince,
Martin the Brown-Nosed Reindeer...
That was mine.
Martin was a shy, awkward child
who will never fulfill his
promise to become
a weird, unloved adult.
The Audio-Visual Club
has prepared a video tribute
to their fallen associate.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Jimbo, stop that.
Usually when I do
something bad, I feel good.
But not this time.
Martin was like Jesus, only real.
Bart, keep it together.
People are looking.
I'm filled with rue.
You know,
something bugs me.
Martin was afraid of heights.
What's he doing on a cliff?
It don't add up.
Hey, look who's trying to add.
You wuss.
The pig is in the sty.
You know, I used to make
documentaries about
coal miners, migrant workers,
things that mattered.
Yeah yeah, we're all whores.
Just get in there.
Into your hands,
I commend this crap.
Well, enough burning ants.
Time to investigate.
I now declare you
chips and salsa.
Oh, hey, kids.
Um... what's up?
What do you mean "what's up"?
Why would something be up?
Yeah, nothing's up,
nothing's down,
except for Martin, who died.
- Idiot!
- D'oh!
Well, I certainly wasn't eating
chips and salsa
from this briefcase.
- What's up?
- Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Mmm, lamb.
Uh, I've never said this before,
but turn the camera off.
- Hey, you little murderer.
- What?!
Those shades are killing me,
they're so cute.
Act like you're shopping.
We can't be seen together.
- But we're brother and sister.
- Exactly.
- Give me an lndian burn.
- But...
Don't make me say
"Indian" again.
Afternoon.
Doing a little shopping, huh?
Shopping at the Kwik-E-Mart.
I like how "Kwik" is spelled
with a "K."
It's a quicker way
of spelling "quick. "
Well, you're busy people.
I'll let you get on
with your day.
Oh, there is
one other thing.
I was up in
Springfield National Park.
You know,
where Martin bit the big one?
Found this bone tied
to a string.
Almost like someone
was playing a prank on him.
You like pranks,
don't you, dingus?
I... like pranks.
Everyone likes pranks,
e- even Dr. Hibbert.
I hate pranks.
Well, better get going.
The missus is cooking
meat loaf tonight.
My mom... Mrs. Muntz.
Bart, I have a plan.
We go to the morgue and
come back with a hand,
put its fingerprints
all over the railing...
Why are you being
so quiet, Bart?
Are you judging me?
Please don't judge me.
"I can't live with the guilt.
I'm going to Martin's house
to end it all"?!
Come on, pick up, pick up,
I know you're there.
Listen, baby,
the other night was great,
but it can never happen again.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I have to see you right now.
Bart, no, don't do...
whatever the heck
you're doing.
I'm tending to Martin's
butterfly enclosure.
His butterflies are emerging
from their chrysalises tonight.
You said you wanted
to end it all.
By which I meant bring Martin's
butterfly project to completion.
I can't take it anymore.
The stress is killing me.
I'm on a freight train
to Crazy Town.
- ?alm down.
- You calm down!
What was that?
The butterflies are hatching.
Aren't they beautiful?
Greetings, my friends.
This beguiling lute solo
will ease your metamorphoses.
Oh, it's a tape.
Martin must have set it to go off
when the chrysalises hatched.
Now, if I may mimic
your mother's feeding call...
Clawdy-claw,
clickety-cloo, clawdy-claw...
Thank you.
I thought I turned
that tape off.
Maybe you just put
it on auto-reverse.
"Congratulations on purchasing
the Sanyo DL30,
the finest non-reversing
tape player"...
Here you go, hon-
one Butterscotch Stallion.
Homer Jay Simpson!
Pudding power, activate!
Oh, no, you don't.
Let him have it, Marge.
Sweetheart, I didn't want
to deceive you.
I just couldn't stand to see
the disappointment
in your beautiful eyes.
That's it, Marge.
Slap him good.
Zack, you're not trying
to help our marriage.
You're trying to split us up.
I'd rather have a chubby
hubby than a sexy exy.
Aw, Marge, if there was
a reality show
called Fat Guys Who Really
Love Their Wives,
that not only would it be an
enormous ratings success,
but I'd be the first one on it.
Marge, you've given me a lot
to think about today.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to the editing room
to make you look insane.
To the post-production trailer!
Where is this music coming from?
Get off me!
His foot is caught
in my button hole.
I almost flicked
an innocent butterfly.
Bart, we're turning
into monsters.
- Cool.
- No, not cool.
We have to do the right thing
and come clean.
Listen, world,
we killed Martin Prince!
That's all I needed to hear.
You almost got away with it,
but here's where you got sloppy:
shouting out that you did it.
Oh, man, I'm too pretty
to go to jail.
You don't know
how lucky you are.
I'm just glad it was you
who brought us in, Nelson.
Remember when
we used to date?
If you let me go,
we can get back together.
I never let you cherry-bomb
my Malibu Stacy.
I'll let you do it now.
Save it for the warden.
Please, keep it down
around the newborns.
To quote Mark Twain,
"rumors of my death
have been greatly exaggerated. "
Yeah, and rumors
of your wussiness
are a hundred percent true.
Now tell us how
you survived the fall.
For years I've worn underwear
with a wedgie-accommodating
waistband.
On that fateful day,
these mighty whiteys
saved my life.
Malheureusement, I landed
right next to a cougar's lair.
He saw me as easy prey.
I feared death was a certainty
until I was saved
by simple physics.
I landed on a small isle
in the middle of a murky lake.
I spent an hour fashioning
an escape raft
and three days crafting
this modesty skirt.
Well, it's good to have
you alive, Dorkburger,
and as for you two,
I hope you learned your lesson.
I learned that beneath
my goody two-shoes
lie some very dark socks.
And I learned that killing a nerd
is not as fun as it sounds.
There is just one more thing.
You folks have
a good night now.