The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 18, Episode 15 - Rome-old and Juli-eh - full transcript
Selma and Grampa fall in love and end up getting married, a marriage both Homer and Patty are against, and in the end the married couple realize that their life together just cannot work out.
The Simpsons 18x15 (JABF08)
- Rome-old and Juli-eh -
Okay, everyone,
straight ahead is my big surprise.
Look out for the stairs.
Whoa! Ooh.
You redid the basement!
Whoa... feel the pile
on this shag!
Whoa, baby!
Will you look
at that paneling?
I feel like I'm back
in wooden times!
Check out this pinball machine!
"Chevy Chase in Foul Play."
Pinball, eh?
I've always wanted to try this.
Wow, the graphics are amazing.
That ball almost seems real!
This basement is a wonderful
gift to the family.
But how could you afford it?
Marge, we're not going to have
to worry about money ever again,
because I've got a plan.
I'd like to declare
bankruptcy, please.
Mr. Simpson, do you understand
how bankruptcy works ?
Yes I do. Under Chapter 13
of the fiscal code,
an individual whose debts
exceed his assets may
file for bankruptcy,
thus protecting said assets.
That was the old bankruptcy law.
Huh?
Under the new law, you have to
pay your creditors everything.
What the...? But I thought
bankruptcy was the cool law!
The one that says "Dude, don't
worry about it. I got this."
Mr. Simpson,
I'm afraid this court
must appoint
a financial officer to supervise
repayment of your debts.
Hmm...
Permission to moan?
I'll allow it.
Mr. Simpson, among the expenses
the court deems frivolous,
you throw over $1,000 a month
into local wishing wells.
Of course, you idiot,
'cause I'm wishing
for more money.
Hm-hmm.
Well, you're gonna have to make
some serious cutbacks
to your expenses.
Three subscriptions
to Vanity Fair?
I've got three bathrooms,
don't I?
$500 a month
Shut up!
It's an instructional website!
Shut up!
Give it here, I'll
find some fat we can trim.
Ah, here you go...
a giant useless expense for something
that no one is interested in.
I don't want to leave!
You promised me I could die here!
No, no. This place is too expensive.
I saw you doing a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle in there.
Come on, Dad, I'm cutting back everywhere.
To save gas, I'm Flintstone-ing the car.
So... very...
Scram, you two!
This is my bedroom now!
No way, this is our rec room!
Not anymore.I already put my posters up.
Keep Cool With
Coolidge
Lilian Gish in
Broken blossoms
A.S.S.
American Shipping Services
Not affiliated with the human ass
Hey, Mr. Flanders,what'd you get?
Some kind of bible garbage?
Oh, I wish!
No, these are complimentary boxes from the shipping company.
Could a kid like me get these boxes,
then use them for whatever he wanted?
Only if he fibbed about
his name, age, and occupation on this automated 800 number.
Why don't you put this box by
your phone so you
don't call the number by accident.
Oh, I won't.
Nothing like un-tossing a leftover salad.
It'll be like new!
Whoa.What the heck are these?
Those are my medical samples!
Hands off, you big blue Buttinski!
Blood, bile, spinal fluid,
blood, other, phlegm,
miscellaneous ooze...
Grampa's driving me crazy.
Why are you telling me?He's your father-in-law.
Can we at least get out of the house for an evening?
Sure, but I think you're exaggerating the problem.
I'm scared.
Can I sleep across you?
No!
What are you doing here, Patty or Selma?
I invited Selma here
to watch Grandpa watch the kids.
For some reason,she doesn't trust him.
Maybe it's the bang-up job he did raising you.
He was a great dad.
Every year he got so mad
when Santa didn't bring me presents.
Um...
lemon candy?
No thanks.
I brought my own.
I know what you're wondering.
How come a single woman with so much to offer
is alone on a Saturday night.
I assumed you were resting up for bingo tomorrow, like me.
My numbers don't get called much these days.
You're kidding.
A sweet young thing like you?
Wow, that's the first time anyone's ever
put an adjective before calling me a thing.
You know, I was voted best kisser in my P.O.W. camp.
Hmm...
Well, if he dies in my arms,
I could meet a cute paramedic.
All right, lips, man your kissing stations.
This is not a drill.
Well, here we are home early.
Yeah, and the great prices at that new rib joint
were the surprise of the evening.
Ah! A bear is eating my father!
I'm Selma.
Ah! A talking bear is eating my father!
You know what you were kissing?
Do you?
Do you?
Yeah, I know who
I was kissing,
and I also know why.
I'm a little shaky on when and where, but I got my theories.
Well, I never, ever want to see that again.
Ah, the hell with you.
I just might ask that Selma girl out,
and you can't tell me not to.
My roof, my rules!
Oh, why did I borrow that roof from him?
So exactly what company am I giving these free boxes to?
Uh... the name of the company is...
Uh-huh.
Are you run by dogs or for dogs?
Actually, don't answer.
I like not knowing.
Now we just have to figure out what to do with these boxes.
As always,I have some ideas.
Hmm...
"Build a fart."
I love it.
Fort.That's "build a fort."
That might work, too.
I'm glad you called.
This is really going to drive Homer crazy.
Well, actually,
the real reason I asked you out is because I'm...
well, I'm a little sweet on you.
Oh, listen, Abe,the other night was fun, but...
Ah, phooey on buts.
At my age,and with your drawbacks,
we can't afford to miss an opportunity.
Why don't we just spend some time together
and see where that takes us?
Yeah, what the hell?
Want to split a basket of garlic bread?
Slow down, you hussy.
Is she really going out with him?
Is she really gonna take him home tonight?
Is she really going out with him?
Is she really gonna take him home tonight?
Is she really going out with him?
'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me
There's something going wrong around here.
Oh, look at Grampa and Selma frolicking in the water.
It's not right.
It's like an old sea turtle dating a suitcase
that fell out of a plane.
Be nice, Homer.
Don't you see how great it is that they found each other?
Like how the parts of a pig nobody wants combine
to make a yummy hot dog.
Oh, now you're dragging hot dogs into this.
Real classy, Marge.
Real classy.
Hey, Homer, that garbage barge
is complaining about your smell.
We wrote that joke in the water.
It wasn't all frolicking.
How could my Dad go out with Selma ?
Don't those two gargoyles know that love
is for good-looking young people ?
Well, gee, Homer, you, uh,
ain't exactly open-casket
material yourself.
Words hurt, you know.
They do.
Stupid Selma and Grampa.
How dare they find happiness.
Psst! Over here.
- It's me. Patty.
- Oh, great.
Who are youin love with ?
Bart ?
Look, if you want to break up
your father and Selma,
I have a plan.
But it involves you.
Okay, but I'm notgood at details.
Or the big picture.
I also show up late.
And drunk.
I've got a goodfeeling about this.
- Lower the drawbridge !
- What's the password ?
I love my sister.
Hey, you little brats.
Get down from those battlements !
Those boxes arefor shipping,
not for creating a world
of pure imagination.
Give them back.
Not till we're bored with them.
Now, begone !
I shall go,
but I will return with
an army of my brethren
and together we shall
take back what is ours
and Hell will raindown up on you !
What if we're not here ?
We will come two more times,
and then you'll have to come
to our customer center.
It's near the airport,
where the old CrownBooks used to be.
- Hello, Homer.
- Selma !
Relax, it's just me, Patty.
Patty !
Do you have your disguise?
Hola, I am Estebande la Sexface.
That means
"Stephen of the Sexface."
Okay, now let's prepare
our mental images
so we can kiss each
other without barfing.
Whoa-oa-oa !
Mm! Yes!
Oh, baby.
What the...?
Selma, how could you ?!
Sorry, Abe, we're through.
I thought we really had something.
What the hell is going on here ?
Dos Selmas?
Ay-yi-yi!
Homer !
Why would you try to break us up ?
I guess I always dreamed that
my father would grow old alone.
Well, nerts to both of ya !
Our love is so strong
not even a thousand crazy
schemes could tear it apart !
A thousand, eh?
I love this woman
and I'm gonna make sure
she's in my life forever.
I'm Patty. Nice to meet you.
Selma, will you marry me ?
Abe... I...
uh...
yes !
Homer, say hello
to your new ma !
No!
Dad, don't throw rice,
it makes the birds swell up !
Oh, Lisa, that's one of those
rumors you get off the Internet.
Hey, Selma, want some rice ?
Pick a lane, freaks!
Nothing solves everything
for ever like a wedding.
Now to do something
- Rome-old and Juli-eh -
Okay, everyone,
straight ahead is my big surprise.
Look out for the stairs.
Whoa! Ooh.
You redid the basement!
Whoa... feel the pile
on this shag!
Whoa, baby!
Will you look
at that paneling?
I feel like I'm back
in wooden times!
Check out this pinball machine!
"Chevy Chase in Foul Play."
Pinball, eh?
I've always wanted to try this.
Wow, the graphics are amazing.
That ball almost seems real!
This basement is a wonderful
gift to the family.
But how could you afford it?
Marge, we're not going to have
to worry about money ever again,
because I've got a plan.
I'd like to declare
bankruptcy, please.
Mr. Simpson, do you understand
how bankruptcy works ?
Yes I do. Under Chapter 13
of the fiscal code,
an individual whose debts
exceed his assets may
file for bankruptcy,
thus protecting said assets.
That was the old bankruptcy law.
Huh?
Under the new law, you have to
pay your creditors everything.
What the...? But I thought
bankruptcy was the cool law!
The one that says "Dude, don't
worry about it. I got this."
Mr. Simpson,
I'm afraid this court
must appoint
a financial officer to supervise
repayment of your debts.
Hmm...
Permission to moan?
I'll allow it.
Mr. Simpson, among the expenses
the court deems frivolous,
you throw over $1,000 a month
into local wishing wells.
Of course, you idiot,
'cause I'm wishing
for more money.
Hm-hmm.
Well, you're gonna have to make
some serious cutbacks
to your expenses.
Three subscriptions
to Vanity Fair?
I've got three bathrooms,
don't I?
$500 a month
Shut up!
It's an instructional website!
Shut up!
Give it here, I'll
find some fat we can trim.
Ah, here you go...
a giant useless expense for something
that no one is interested in.
I don't want to leave!
You promised me I could die here!
No, no. This place is too expensive.
I saw you doing a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle in there.
Come on, Dad, I'm cutting back everywhere.
To save gas, I'm Flintstone-ing the car.
So... very...
Scram, you two!
This is my bedroom now!
No way, this is our rec room!
Not anymore.I already put my posters up.
Keep Cool With
Coolidge
Lilian Gish in
Broken blossoms
A.S.S.
American Shipping Services
Not affiliated with the human ass
Hey, Mr. Flanders,what'd you get?
Some kind of bible garbage?
Oh, I wish!
No, these are complimentary boxes from the shipping company.
Could a kid like me get these boxes,
then use them for whatever he wanted?
Only if he fibbed about
his name, age, and occupation on this automated 800 number.
Why don't you put this box by
your phone so you
don't call the number by accident.
Oh, I won't.
Nothing like un-tossing a leftover salad.
It'll be like new!
Whoa.What the heck are these?
Those are my medical samples!
Hands off, you big blue Buttinski!
Blood, bile, spinal fluid,
blood, other, phlegm,
miscellaneous ooze...
Grampa's driving me crazy.
Why are you telling me?He's your father-in-law.
Can we at least get out of the house for an evening?
Sure, but I think you're exaggerating the problem.
I'm scared.
Can I sleep across you?
No!
What are you doing here, Patty or Selma?
I invited Selma here
to watch Grandpa watch the kids.
For some reason,she doesn't trust him.
Maybe it's the bang-up job he did raising you.
He was a great dad.
Every year he got so mad
when Santa didn't bring me presents.
Um...
lemon candy?
No thanks.
I brought my own.
I know what you're wondering.
How come a single woman with so much to offer
is alone on a Saturday night.
I assumed you were resting up for bingo tomorrow, like me.
My numbers don't get called much these days.
You're kidding.
A sweet young thing like you?
Wow, that's the first time anyone's ever
put an adjective before calling me a thing.
You know, I was voted best kisser in my P.O.W. camp.
Hmm...
Well, if he dies in my arms,
I could meet a cute paramedic.
All right, lips, man your kissing stations.
This is not a drill.
Well, here we are home early.
Yeah, and the great prices at that new rib joint
were the surprise of the evening.
Ah! A bear is eating my father!
I'm Selma.
Ah! A talking bear is eating my father!
You know what you were kissing?
Do you?
Do you?
Yeah, I know who
I was kissing,
and I also know why.
I'm a little shaky on when and where, but I got my theories.
Well, I never, ever want to see that again.
Ah, the hell with you.
I just might ask that Selma girl out,
and you can't tell me not to.
My roof, my rules!
Oh, why did I borrow that roof from him?
So exactly what company am I giving these free boxes to?
Uh... the name of the company is...
Uh-huh.
Are you run by dogs or for dogs?
Actually, don't answer.
I like not knowing.
Now we just have to figure out what to do with these boxes.
As always,I have some ideas.
Hmm...
"Build a fart."
I love it.
Fort.That's "build a fort."
That might work, too.
I'm glad you called.
This is really going to drive Homer crazy.
Well, actually,
the real reason I asked you out is because I'm...
well, I'm a little sweet on you.
Oh, listen, Abe,the other night was fun, but...
Ah, phooey on buts.
At my age,and with your drawbacks,
we can't afford to miss an opportunity.
Why don't we just spend some time together
and see where that takes us?
Yeah, what the hell?
Want to split a basket of garlic bread?
Slow down, you hussy.
Is she really going out with him?
Is she really gonna take him home tonight?
Is she really going out with him?
Is she really gonna take him home tonight?
Is she really going out with him?
'Cause if my eyes don't deceive me
There's something going wrong around here.
Oh, look at Grampa and Selma frolicking in the water.
It's not right.
It's like an old sea turtle dating a suitcase
that fell out of a plane.
Be nice, Homer.
Don't you see how great it is that they found each other?
Like how the parts of a pig nobody wants combine
to make a yummy hot dog.
Oh, now you're dragging hot dogs into this.
Real classy, Marge.
Real classy.
Hey, Homer, that garbage barge
is complaining about your smell.
We wrote that joke in the water.
It wasn't all frolicking.
How could my Dad go out with Selma ?
Don't those two gargoyles know that love
is for good-looking young people ?
Well, gee, Homer, you, uh,
ain't exactly open-casket
material yourself.
Words hurt, you know.
They do.
Stupid Selma and Grampa.
How dare they find happiness.
Psst! Over here.
- It's me. Patty.
- Oh, great.
Who are youin love with ?
Bart ?
Look, if you want to break up
your father and Selma,
I have a plan.
But it involves you.
Okay, but I'm notgood at details.
Or the big picture.
I also show up late.
And drunk.
I've got a goodfeeling about this.
- Lower the drawbridge !
- What's the password ?
I love my sister.
Hey, you little brats.
Get down from those battlements !
Those boxes arefor shipping,
not for creating a world
of pure imagination.
Give them back.
Not till we're bored with them.
Now, begone !
I shall go,
but I will return with
an army of my brethren
and together we shall
take back what is ours
and Hell will raindown up on you !
What if we're not here ?
We will come two more times,
and then you'll have to come
to our customer center.
It's near the airport,
where the old CrownBooks used to be.
- Hello, Homer.
- Selma !
Relax, it's just me, Patty.
Patty !
Do you have your disguise?
Hola, I am Estebande la Sexface.
That means
"Stephen of the Sexface."
Okay, now let's prepare
our mental images
so we can kiss each
other without barfing.
Whoa-oa-oa !
Mm! Yes!
Oh, baby.
What the...?
Selma, how could you ?!
Sorry, Abe, we're through.
I thought we really had something.
What the hell is going on here ?
Dos Selmas?
Ay-yi-yi!
Homer !
Why would you try to break us up ?
I guess I always dreamed that
my father would grow old alone.
Well, nerts to both of ya !
Our love is so strong
not even a thousand crazy
schemes could tear it apart !
A thousand, eh?
I love this woman
and I'm gonna make sure
she's in my life forever.
I'm Patty. Nice to meet you.
Selma, will you marry me ?
Abe... I...
uh...
yes !
Homer, say hello
to your new ma !
No!
Dad, don't throw rice,
it makes the birds swell up !
Oh, Lisa, that's one of those
rumors you get off the Internet.
Hey, Selma, want some rice ?
Pick a lane, freaks!
Nothing solves everything
for ever like a wedding.
Now to do something