The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 18, Episode 14 - Yokel Chords - full transcript

In this parody of The Sound of Music (1965), Lisa becomes a tutor for Cletus' seven children, until Krusty tries to exploit them as entertainers. Meanwhile, Bart becomes emotionally attached to his school-appointed psychiatrist.

The Simpsons 18x14 (JABF09)
- Yokel Chords -

Nothing like reading a well
plotted mystery on the beach.

It's amazing
how they always solve the crime

just before they run out
of pages.

Marge.

James Patterson!

Come with me, Marge.

Help me think of new
nursery rhyme-themed titles
for my thrillers.

Ooh, how about
"Little Bo Peep"?

That's great.

A clue could
be her sheep.



Marge, the real mystery is
why we're just talking

when I could be kissing your...

I overslept!

The family can't start the day
without me.

Relax, baby.

While you were dreaming of me
and calling me James,

I took care of everything.

Oh, Homie, you woke up early?

Eh, stumbled home at dawn,
same diff.

Now, don't worry.

I packed everyone's
lunches and sent

them off into the world.

What kind of
lunch is this?

A drawing of a sandwich.



I've got Grampa's medication.

Abe, pull over!

You're not the driver!

Shut up, pizzas!

I've gotta deliver you!

Oh... no lunch for me.

Unless I "scare" one up.

Hey, guys, remember
to stick together.

Today is the anniversary

of the Dark Stanley murders.

Tell us all you know.

All right,

imagine I'm holding a flashlight

under my face.

Years ago, Stanley DeGroot

was a cook here at the school.

All the kids made fun of him

because he never graduated

from college.

Stanley, Stanley,
no degree.

Two credits short at MIT.

One day,

Stanley picked up a cleaver

and put a new entrée
on the menu.

A delectable little dish

called kids' head soup.

Needs more girl.

What happened to Dark Stanley?

They hanged him for murder and

buried him in an unmarked grave.

When they came back
the next day,

the whole cemetery was missing!

Try not to think about it.

They say Dark Stanley makes

your skull into a toilet

and wee-wees into it.

And just when you think
he's done,

Dark Stanley takes your skin

and makes footy pajamas.

Nobody pajamanates my skin.

This is the very spot

where Dark Stanley comes

to harvest heads
for his soup of sorrow.

Why aren't you a-scareded?

Oh, Dark Stanley
would never dare attack

a crowded, well-lit...

Dark Stanley's here.

Whoa!

Murther!

Well, Seymour, I certainly

appreciate you letting me

store my collection of antique

cologne bottles in your office

while they recarpet
my condo.

It's quite a collection

and, I assume, irreplaceable.

You assume correctly.

Seymour,

Gary.

Simpson, I know
you're behind this.

Well, you are going
to get some counseling

from our school
psychologist.

Dark Stanley's going
to eat my brains!

Or from a qualified
professional.

But first... Willie,
get those kids back!

I'll bring those wee ones back
dead or alive.

Not dead.

Ah, ya never let
Willie be Willie.

...Zimmerman, Zorx, and...

Zzyzwiski.

Now back to class, all of you.

All right,
you heard him.

Back to class.

But we don't go
to school.

But you do live
in the district.

That's right.

We home-school 'em.

I teach the big ones and the

big ones teach the little ones,

but no one ever taught me,

which makes the whole thing

just an exercise in futility.

Uh-huh.

Skinner, what is
going on here?

Sir, if we let these hill folk

into our school,
our test scores

would drop so low,
we'd lose all federal funding.

I see...

and we've already lost state,

county, and local funding.

Plus our last bake sale
was a disaster.

People took bites
without buying the cookies.

Yes, we're not very
good at anything.

Excuse me.

Lisa Simpson, with the school paper.

Am I to understand you're

purposely denying education

to these children?

That's a total mis...

Well, I wouldn't, uh...

I mean, that is to say, uh...

Uh, you know...

You see, the thing is...

I warn you, young lady,
we can fumfur all day.

We, um, it's not
that we, um...

You see, what, uh...

I just, we don't, um...
...you're not,

uh, grasping...

We're not really, um...

...the, the, the, the...

You haven't heard the last
of this.

Well, I think we've
heard the last of this.

No, you haven't.

We're going to have
to give this some thought.

Let's sing
while we think.

It'll make it more
fun for everyone.

How do we gag
a blabbermouth like Lisa?

How do we crush her
First Amendment rights?

How do we stop her
writing up what she saw?

Would she
shut her trap

For a gift card
from the Gap?

She might

Oh, how do we stop
a royal pain like Lisa?

How do we make
Miss Righteous

Less uptight?

You have a lovely voice,
sir.

Why do you have to make
everything weird?

MANQUE QUELQUE CHOSE
asked to see me?

Lisa, would you consider
tutoring Cletus' children?

You'll be happy,

they'll be happy,

and I can go home and

enjoy some delicious fondue.

Made with the fondue set

I bought you for Christmas?

No. So what do you say, Lisa?

Me? A tutor?

The hillbilly tykes

Will become by tutees.

Whoa! Ah! Oh!

Hey, kids!

The plow done birthed
a girl-critter!

Young'uns, this here girl

is come from fairyland
to school y'all.

Now, if you need me,

I'll be on the porch

drinkin' Thomsen's Water Seal.

My name's Lisa.

What are your names?

Witney!

Jitney!

Dubya!

Incest!

Crystal Meth!

International Harvester!

Birthday!

Are we gonna do
this much work every day?

Why do I have to go
to a stupid psychiatrist?

I told a scary story.

Big deal.

Look, boy,

nobody knows better than me
that you're a lost cause.

But the school's paying for

five sessions
and there's a Chinese

restaurant next door
where I can get drunk.

Get ready, Sheila.

This guy likes the act.

Mr. Simpson! You good man!

We happy see you!

You not come long time!

Come sit, drinky-drinky.

Where's Margie?

She super lady!

Bart, my name
is Dr. Swanson.

Stop right there, Doc.

This school has sent me

to more therapists
than you've had bad dates.

I've looked at the ink blots.

I've played with the puppets.

The whole racket's
a hatful of crap.

I see.

Well... I get paid whether

you make progress or not.

Why don't we just kill the time
playing videogames?

Yeah, right. I bet you've got
a bunch of "learning" games.

Why don't you go online

and look for a boyfriend
while I take a nap?

Actually, I just got
"Death Kill City II:

Death Kill Stories."

Whoa! You've got "DKC2: DKS"?

That one's rated

"Bad for Everyone."

You have destroyed
all human life on earth.

Level 1 complete.

Yes!

And that's how a presidential

veto gets overridden.

Any questions?

How is any of this gonna

put dog meat on my plate?

Hmm. Maybe the best way

to begin your education

is to get you some exposure
to the wider world.

So, I'm gonna take you
to downtown Springfield!

We gotta get permission
from Daddy.

It's all right with me.

And, lastly...

I need a noun.

Booger.

Read it back!

Read it back!

"The county fair is

always sucky to visit

on a hot summer fart."

"You can eat
delicious cotton hate,

and ride the Ferris burp

and the Merry-go- booger."

You can't make
that stuff up.

What does this tell you, Bart?

That this is one terrible
county fair.

And...?

And...

My dad never takes me

on the merry-go-booger.

He's always passed out

in the parking snot.

He's lying!

You drink too many
scorpion bowl.

You go sleepy-sleepy now!

Did, uh, did you get his wallet?

Every president has a
word balloon that says

"I am gay."

These colorful bums is funny!

And guess what?

Ben and Ken,

the Street Magic Men,

are only the beginning!

The city is a treasure trove
of culture,

and multiculture!

Mistos and lattes
and grandes and ventis

Browsing at bookstores
with fat cognoscentis

Books about Dali,

Degas and Miro

Those are the folks
that you yokels should know

Pretentious laughs
at Bunuel retrospectives

Outsider art made
by mental defectives

Enjoying opry
that ain't grand or ole

Comparing Jim Carrey
to Dario Fo!

Your minds are opening!

Take it home!

Eating tapas

Freestyle rap artists

Mrs. Skinner is Mame

We finally experienced
cultural things

And now they don't seem...

...so lame.

What a number!

You kids got talent!

And I should know.
I used to have it.

Hey! You're one of those funny
people with a big crazy nose.

- A clown?
- No, a...

Joker! That's right!

And I'm not a practicing joker,
so I'm not that offended.

Well it's nice to see
you again, Krusty,

but these kids have
field trip journals to write.

Yeah, yeah, right.
Who's your agent?

What's an agent?

Ka-ching!

Finally, I get a chance
to use these gag contact lenses.

And then I had this dream that my whole
family was just cartoon characters,

and that our success had
led to some crazy

propaganda network called "Fox News."

Bart, I think you're making
a lot of progress,

but our time is up.

- See ya next Wednesday.
- Actually, this was our last session.

Huh?

But we were doing
such good work.

Oh, Bart, I truly
enjoyed our time together,

but the school only
paid for five sessions.

I think I just got dumped.

He used to rob me
two, three times a week.

Now, I'm lucky
if I get it once a month.

He never initiates it.
I have to do all the work.

He just stands there.

Now, now, don't talk
through him; talk to him.

Apu, sometimes when I rob you,
it's like you're not even there.

That is because you're
robbing my brother Sanjay.

- Dude, I didn't know.
- Oh, just shut up!

That's right.

I want to hire your entire
Appalachian dumpling gang,

and I'll pay them the most anyone
on TV is entitled to get: scale!

Now I don't sign nothin' without
pretendin' to read it first.

Hamburger, hamburger,

hamburger, hamburger.

Looks good!

Mr. Spuckler, wait!
Is this really good for your kids?

Teeny, get her out of here!

Okay kids, let's cut some
promos for the affiliates.

You're watching Krusty the Clown
on WPPZ in Vero Beach, Florida,

home of the AccuCurl Surf Report!

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Hey, hey, kids.
Have I got a treat for you.

Put your hands together for the
Sharecropper Showstoppers,

The Smashing Bumpkins,
The Spuckler Family Singers!

I have eight teeth
Going on seven teeth

I have a curvy spine

- We live on landfill
- And feast on roadkill

While we all drink Moonshine.

You're better than us!

Look at those dumb hillbillies!

I'll bet they don't even know what...

something is.

Dad, those kids aren't dumb.

This show just perpetuates the
stereotype that all yokels are hicks.

Look at those morons.

They sing because they're stupid.

Kids, it's finally happening.
Your own prime-time special.

The songs will be written
by Broadway's greatest composer:

this guy. What's your
name again, fuzz-face?

Stephen Sondheim.

I know you hear this all the time,
but I think you're great.

And I'm sure you
hear this all the time:

you cost an arm and a leg,
so let's get to work.

Here's the opening number.

Hmm, complex harmonies,

intricate lyrics,

pithy observations on modern life.

What is this junk?!
Where's the zazz?

- Just do what you did in Cats!
- I didn't write Cats.

You didn't?!

Oh, no!

All right, I'll try and save this.

Tell you what.
Just give me a peppy vamp.

Okay. And I can
counterpoint it with...

No counterpoint!

Vamp! Peppy!

Hey! This peppy stuff isn't bad.

Maybe I will right that
jingle for Buzz Cola.

President or ayatollah
Everyone loves new Buzz Cola

With lemon.

Krusty, the Spuckler kids missed
their reading class today.

Yeah? Well, take it up
with their manager.

Cletus, I think you're spending too
much of the kids' earnings on yourself.

That's a lie!

I ain't spent their money
on naught but necessities.

Sir, your solid gold
hound dog is here.

Uh... how do we get
the real dog out?

Do you think I'm telling
people not to have a cow

because deep down
I want them to have a cow?

I saw you yesterday
in the dining room,

and I didn't know if I
should say "hi" or not.

How can I help you?

Dr. Swanson, I'm Bart's mother.

I've been saving this money for my
husband's breast reduction surgery,

but I think this is more important.

Would you please see Bart again?

Of course. Send him in.

Bart, honey,

this is all we can
afford for now.

If it doesn't work,

maybe when you're an adult,
you can pay some lady

to make you happy for an hour.

You know, I'm pretty sure I will.

And I wasn't planned,
so when I came,

my parents had to get married.

And they were too young, and not ready
for a kid to screw up their lives.

Maybe I act out because...

if my parents are mad at me,

they can't fight with each other.

And maybe that's why you do things like
scare your c