The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 17, Episode 4 - Treehouse of Horror XVI - full transcript
In Bartificial Intelligence, Bart falls into a coma after trying to jump into a swimming pool off a window ledge. Dr. Hibbert says that this coma is permanent, so the Simpsons get a robot ...
COMMENTATOR: We're here at game six of
the World Series. The highlight so far,
a cloud shaped like a giraffe that
floated by during the rain delay.
Oh, would you look at that? The
batter just called time-out again.
Now, let's look in the stands
at the players' wives.
Ripped By mstoll
Well, what do you know? They're
talking on cell phones.
No doubt complaining
about the good life.
This is the most boring
game in all the universe.
And with all the steroids they take,
the players look like freaks.
BOTH: Freaks! Freaks!
Freaks! Freaks! Freaks!
COMMENTATOR: And next
week on Fox,
catch the new
OC spinoff, Pomona.
lt's even hotter
away from the beach.
Mmm-mmm.
If we don't
speed up this game,
The Simpsons
Halloween special
won't air until Administrative
Professionals Day.
Speaking of which,
we must remember
to get Dorothy something.
(BOTH GROWLING)
Yeah.
The boredom is excruciating.
Fire the accele-ray!
COMMENTATOR: Rodriguez
pops it to right field
as some sort of accele-ray bathes the
stadium in an eerie, green glow.
(LAUGHS)
Who would've thunk it?
It's still boring.
Faster!
But the fabric of the
universe itself may shatter!
Good. Only then could
the Cubs finally win.
KODOS: Smooth move, Space-lax. You've
destroyed the totality of existence.
KANG: It'll be fine.
I'll just leave a note.
Patty, is it you or me
who likes grape jelly?
For 35 cents off,
I love it.
Hey, Lise, I bet I could jump
in the swimming pool from here.
Bart, that would be the
stupidest thing you ever did.
No, the stupidest thing would
be doing it backwards.
(GRUNTS) Cowa...
(THUD)
(GASPS)
Uh, Mom, remember how you
wished we would never grow up?
(MONITOR BEEPING)
I'm afraid your son
is in a deep, deep coma
from which he
will never emerge.
I guess we should count our
blessings he's not dead.
Don't I know it. This way I get
to keep billing you. (LAUGHS)
Bart, wake up! I got
that bike you wanted.
(RINGS BELL)
(SOBBING)
Now, Marge, if you miss
your boy that much,
you could replace
him with one of these.
MARGE: A robot?
Wow, a robot kid
would be a blast.
We could confuse him and
make his head explode.
(IMITATING ROBOT VOICE)
"This statement is a lie."
But if it's a lie,
then it must be true.
But if it's true, then it must be...
Whoop, whoop, whoop...
Kaboom!
And a robot would take your
mind off your dead son.
I thought he was in a coma!
They're pretty
much the same thing.
Except this way I get
to keep billing you.
You already said that.
Well, you didn't laugh
the first time.
Okay, your robot
son is good to go.
You want me
to boot him up?
Okay.
(GRUNTS)
Ow! Mom, that hurt.
Uh!
He knows how to
push all my buttons.
And here's how
to push his.
Now, I'm a man who likes
to strangle his kids.
You think I could...
Sure. Let him have it.
Why, you metal...
(CHOKING)
Wow!
The windpipe is
incredibly responsive.
(CHOKING)
Yeah.
That's the 0-6s for you.
MARGE: David is So helpful.
And he's great
with the neighbors!
Hi-diddily-ho! There's
no bot like a robot!
(LAUGHS) Ooh!
Ow! My Flander-doodles!
Having a robot
brother troubles me.
The ethical implications
are really tensing me up.
(WHIRRING)
(MOANS)
Goodbye, implications.
(MONITOR BEEPING)
...bunga!
What the...
More waffles, Father?
Nice and hotto,
Mr. Roboto.
David, you're by far the best
son I've ever had. Uh-oh.
Did you replace me
with this tinker toy?
"Replace" is such an ugly word.
We upgraded.
Bart, we can befriends.
Eat my shorts!
I will comply.
(WHIRRING)
(BELL DINGS)
Mmm.
Here. Make me a kitty.
(GRUNTS)
(SINGING)
Johnny come lately
The new kid in town
(CRACKLING)
Everybody loves you
So don't let them down
You look in her eyes
The music begins to play
Hopeless romantics
Here we go again
But after a while,
you're lookin' the other way
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
(CHITTERING)
I hate going to the zoo. I
feel so sorry for the animals.
Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole
new world for the animals.
In the wild, they would
never experience
boredom, obesity,
loss of purpose...
You know,
the American dream.
(LION GROWLING)
BART: Time to get rid
of the competition.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(PEACOCKS CAWING)
Whoo!
Thank God I landed in
a bunch of fruity birds.
(HISSING)
(SCREAMS) This is where
stem-cell research led us?
David and Bart just aren't working out.
We have to do something.
Hmm...
HOMER: I'm really sorry, but our family
just can't handle both of you boys-.
I hope that somewhere
deep in your data banks,
you process fond
memories of us.
The sad part is,
there were times when I
actually had feelings for you.
I almost felt
I was your father.
What are you talking about?
David feels, and your mother
will agree when I tell her,
that it's best for our family
if you're no longer in it.
(GRUNTS)
We're still going to
the toy store, right?
And I can pick out
as many toys as I want?
HOMER: No toys!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(BART MUMBLING)
There should be a law against
abandoning your child.
(SCREAMS)
Don't fear us.
We're gentle robots who were
cast off just like you.
I'm not a robot. I'm human.
(ALL GASP)
Tell me, young man, what is
it like to have feelings?
I said I'm a human,
not a girl.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
Uh, I think it's about time we
all power down for the night.
Can I stay with you guys tonight?
Of course.
And maybe someday,
you'll teach us to love.
Yeah, maybe.
What did you used to do?
I was a lawnmower.
I could cut grass at three different
heights but I could not love.
I get it. I get it.
It sucks to be you.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
(GROANS)
What the F-prompt?
Our pans are gone.
We've been harvested.
My servos are gone.
That boy screwed us over.
He peed on me.
You are a urinalbot.
Lavatron.
(LAUGHING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, it's Bart. Super.
(ALL SCREAM)
(SINGSONG) I'm home!
You told me he was
at culinary school.
You wanted to
believe the lie.
Time to destroy the one
who did this to me.
To get me, you'll have
to go through your fa...
Oh, those were
my good pants!
Well, the important thing
is we're a family again.
This stinks!
I got stubby
little robot legs
and an ass that's not
equipped for an adult diet.
(GROANS)
LISA: Dad.
Dad, wake up.
You're not a robot.
You're just
possessed by the devil.
The power of
Christ compels thee!
(BABBLING)
I'll call work and tell
them he can't make it.
Woo-hoo!
(LAUGHS) Suckers.
(COCKING GUN)
(SCREAMING)
"Dear Homer Simpson,
"Mr. Burns invites you to a hunting
party at his private estate.
"Parentheses, 'Sinister
Laugh,' close parentheses."
Please don't accept this invitation, Dad.
Hunting is cruel.
Honey, animals don't
feel death.
That was proved by the
scientists at Black Angus.
No fair. Dad gets
to kill wild animals.
But I shoot one bird, and I
have to go to a psychiatrist.
(GROANS) He still thinks
that hobo was a bird.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
This is a pretty sweet deal,
Burns inviting us over.
What kind of motive
do you think he has?
Ulterior. Mmm.
Welcome all! Now, to explain
why I summoned you here.
Oh, God, here it comes.
Time-share pitch.
Well, I got bad credit
so the joke's on you!
You're here to
participate in a hunt
for the world's
most dangerous game.
The most dangerous game?
What could it be? Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm. Hmm.
The game I'm hunting...
ls all of you.
Now, because
I am too kind,
I will give you all
a five-minute head start.
You may commence running!
Five minutes of running? Shoot me now.
(GUNSHOT)
Well, that broke the ice.
Now any man who lives till noon
tomorrow shall win his freedom.
Excuse me.
What gives you the legal
right to do this?
You tell me.
You're my lawyer.
Well, I guess you
are zoned for hunting,
and you have
previously claimed
killing people as
part of your religion.
I think I can
draw something up.
(TYPEWRITER DINGS)
There.
This should hold up in
just about any courtroom.
Excellent.
(ALL SHOUTING)
The game is afoot.
(SNIFFS)
I smell fear.
Mixed with curry.
APU: Uh-oh.
Aah!
You got me! But I shall
be reincarnated. (GROANS)
Ha-ha!
You can't kill a Hindu!
Aah! Help me, Jesus!
(WHIMPERING)
ANNOUNCER: You're watching The
World Series of Manslaughter.
The most violent TV spectacle
since the Hip Hop Image Awards.
Mom, Mr. Burns
is gonna kill Dad!
I should've known
something was wrong
when we got this
week's TV guide.
(LISA GASPS)
Now for his take on tonight's
bloodthirsty action,
here's guest analyst
Terry Bradshaw. Terry?
Well, conventional wisdom says good
fleeing will always beat good chasing.
But the stats say put your
money on the guy with the gun.
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
Dying is just like golfing,
except in golf... (GUNSHOTS)
Aww! You hate to see that.
That's the kind of showboating that'll
turn people off this sport.
Hey, hey, Homer. Burns is coming.
Climb up.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, you fat ass!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Na-na! You missed me!
(GROANS)
Well, before I die,
I'll just scratch that lottery
ticket I got in my pocket.
"Instant jackpot,
one million dollars!"
If I make it out alive,
I could...
(YELLS)
Homer, Burns has only been
chasing us for six hours,
and you've already
resorted to cannibalism.
And there's bananas
in that tree up there.
Uh, they look a little green.
Carl, I see heaven.
What does it look like?
ALL: Hurry up, Lenny. We'll be
late for work at the plant.
(SIGHS AND GROANS)
You can't escape me, Simpson.
You are not smart enough.
HOMER: Yes, l am! I mean...
(MAKING ANIMAL NOISES)
Oh, no! I've been killed!
Outfoxed him with the
corpse of my best friend.
Hee-hee!
(GRUNTS)
(MR. BURNS COCKING GUN)
Ahh!
Is there room in
the head bag, Smithers?
I can make room.
Excellent.
(LOUD THUD)
Done, and done!
Marge, you saved me!
D'oh! What was that for?
Staying out 18 hours
and not calling home once!
Oh, I can't stay mad at you
when that pan smells like
sausage and onions. Mmm...
And I am glad
you're okay.
(MOANING)
All right.
And there you have it.
Terry Bradshaw, your thoughts
on what just transpired.
Well, it's a disgrace,
Roger.
This network will show
a dozen gruesome murders
but I bet they
cut to commercial
before these two begin
the tender act of love.
(BOTH MOANING)
I spoke too soon, huh?
There they go!
Whoa!
That's going in my playbook.
Oh. Everyone's wearing
such an interesting costume.
Look, Grampa's a gorilla,
Sideshow Mel is Spider-Man,
and Nelson's a raccoon.
I'm not a raccoon!
I'm the Lone Ranger!
I'm too poor to
afford the hat.
That's not even a mask.
It's axle grease.
Don't listen
to him, Silver.
(IMITATES HORSE NEIGHING)
And now the finalists
for Best Costume.
First, we have Blacula.
Oh, because I'm black and I'm
Dracula, that makes me Blacula?
(SCOFFS) My wife said,
"Don't go as Dracula,"
but I said, "Bernice, we
live in the 21 st century."
Send him the standard
racist remark apology.
They're in
the middle drawer.
Our other finalist
is this hideous witch.
(CACKLING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Congratulations, you have won
this $25 Kwik-E-Mart certificate.
Sucker.
Twenty-five bucks won't buy
you half a Balance Bar.
I exaggerate, but really,
my prices are very high.
Thank you!
Wait!
Before you leave,
we'd all like to know
which of our beloved regulars
you are under that costume.
Lindsay Naegle? Helen Lovejoy?
Old Jewish Man?
No. I'm right here, dressed
as my brother Irving.
(SIGHS) Every day I miss him.
(LAUGHS)
This is a little awkward because
I'm not wearing a costume.
I'm a real witch.
(ALL GASP) Wait a minute.
That's cheating!
Burn her...
Gift certificate!
Since you are not
technically in costume,
you cannot
win this award!
Rescind my award, will you?
You're all gonna pay!
Taint of mute
and scum of pond,
thou shalt become
the guise thou donned!
(ALL MURMURING)
Speak English, moron.
I'm turning you
into your costumes.
Well, are you gonna talk about
it or are you gonna do it?
(EXCLAIMS)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
Whoa!
I'm not a raccoon!
I'm the Lone Ranger!
Ooh!
Disco Stu wishes he'd
gone as Marilyn McCoo!
(MUTTERING)
Good luck getting your deposits
back on those costumes!
(ALL PROTESTING)
Seymour, I told you
not to go as G.I. Joe!
Mother, I'm fine. I...
Uh-oh.
Oh, this isn't fair.
I wasn't wearing a costume.
Look at me! I'm a young,
strappin' gorilla!
Ow! My hip, it's shattered.
Somebody help me.
Off we go to
the gorilla hospital.
ABE: That's it,
suck out the poison.
Wait a minute.
(ABE SCREAMS)
(HOWLING)
I am not a happy
meal right now.
I'm telling you, I'm Oberon,
king of the fairies!
You're a big fat bug!
And you're going down!
(CAT WHINING)
(GROANS) My spine is not a
scratching post! (MEOWS)
(IN GERMAN ACCENT) Oh! There must be
some way out of this verdammten spell.
Lisa, you think you could
check on your father?
Oh! That's an excellent use of a genius
brain, to look after an idiot head.
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)
Uh!
Uh!
Dammit!
(GASPS) That's the answer!
Maggie's a real witch now.
She can reverse the spell!
(GROWLS) I don't want
to reverse the spell.
I can howl at the moon and eat rats.
(SQUEAKS)
(HOWLING)
(CRASHING)
I don't want
to change, either.
Now I can pull
horses out of the mud.
Then girls will like me.
And I'm Jared
from the Subway ads.
I'm only a little overweight
and sexually ambiguous.
Don't listen to them, Maggie.
Maggie?
Please change me back.
This bumblebee has developed an
unhealthy obsession with me.
I don't want flowers!
I am a flower!
As for Apu-D2,
I could go either way.
(IMITATES WHIRRING)
Click, click, oink.
HOMER: Please change...
(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)
Oh, well. This still
beats being Moe.
Okay, this concludes
this year's Halloween show.
We hope you had as much
fun watching our show
as the Koreans
did animating it.
But there's one group for
whom every day is Halloween.
I'm talking about
adult illiterates.
For them, trying to read
the morning newspaper
is more terrifying than any
goblin, ghoul, spook, or spirit.
So won't you please donate a
children's book or something?
Together we can make
reading a slam dunk.
Dennis Rodman?
What are you doing here?
Working off
a speeding ticket.
Happy Halloween, everybody!
Ripped By mstoll
the World Series. The highlight so far,
a cloud shaped like a giraffe that
floated by during the rain delay.
Oh, would you look at that? The
batter just called time-out again.
Now, let's look in the stands
at the players' wives.
Ripped By mstoll
Well, what do you know? They're
talking on cell phones.
No doubt complaining
about the good life.
This is the most boring
game in all the universe.
And with all the steroids they take,
the players look like freaks.
BOTH: Freaks! Freaks!
Freaks! Freaks! Freaks!
COMMENTATOR: And next
week on Fox,
catch the new
OC spinoff, Pomona.
lt's even hotter
away from the beach.
Mmm-mmm.
If we don't
speed up this game,
The Simpsons
Halloween special
won't air until Administrative
Professionals Day.
Speaking of which,
we must remember
to get Dorothy something.
(BOTH GROWLING)
Yeah.
The boredom is excruciating.
Fire the accele-ray!
COMMENTATOR: Rodriguez
pops it to right field
as some sort of accele-ray bathes the
stadium in an eerie, green glow.
(LAUGHS)
Who would've thunk it?
It's still boring.
Faster!
But the fabric of the
universe itself may shatter!
Good. Only then could
the Cubs finally win.
KODOS: Smooth move, Space-lax. You've
destroyed the totality of existence.
KANG: It'll be fine.
I'll just leave a note.
Patty, is it you or me
who likes grape jelly?
For 35 cents off,
I love it.
Hey, Lise, I bet I could jump
in the swimming pool from here.
Bart, that would be the
stupidest thing you ever did.
No, the stupidest thing would
be doing it backwards.
(GRUNTS) Cowa...
(THUD)
(GASPS)
Uh, Mom, remember how you
wished we would never grow up?
(MONITOR BEEPING)
I'm afraid your son
is in a deep, deep coma
from which he
will never emerge.
I guess we should count our
blessings he's not dead.
Don't I know it. This way I get
to keep billing you. (LAUGHS)
Bart, wake up! I got
that bike you wanted.
(RINGS BELL)
(SOBBING)
Now, Marge, if you miss
your boy that much,
you could replace
him with one of these.
MARGE: A robot?
Wow, a robot kid
would be a blast.
We could confuse him and
make his head explode.
(IMITATING ROBOT VOICE)
"This statement is a lie."
But if it's a lie,
then it must be true.
But if it's true, then it must be...
Whoop, whoop, whoop...
Kaboom!
And a robot would take your
mind off your dead son.
I thought he was in a coma!
They're pretty
much the same thing.
Except this way I get
to keep billing you.
You already said that.
Well, you didn't laugh
the first time.
Okay, your robot
son is good to go.
You want me
to boot him up?
Okay.
(GRUNTS)
Ow! Mom, that hurt.
Uh!
He knows how to
push all my buttons.
And here's how
to push his.
Now, I'm a man who likes
to strangle his kids.
You think I could...
Sure. Let him have it.
Why, you metal...
(CHOKING)
Wow!
The windpipe is
incredibly responsive.
(CHOKING)
Yeah.
That's the 0-6s for you.
MARGE: David is So helpful.
And he's great
with the neighbors!
Hi-diddily-ho! There's
no bot like a robot!
(LAUGHS) Ooh!
Ow! My Flander-doodles!
Having a robot
brother troubles me.
The ethical implications
are really tensing me up.
(WHIRRING)
(MOANS)
Goodbye, implications.
(MONITOR BEEPING)
...bunga!
What the...
More waffles, Father?
Nice and hotto,
Mr. Roboto.
David, you're by far the best
son I've ever had. Uh-oh.
Did you replace me
with this tinker toy?
"Replace" is such an ugly word.
We upgraded.
Bart, we can befriends.
Eat my shorts!
I will comply.
(WHIRRING)
(BELL DINGS)
Mmm.
Here. Make me a kitty.
(GRUNTS)
(SINGING)
Johnny come lately
The new kid in town
(CRACKLING)
Everybody loves you
So don't let them down
You look in her eyes
The music begins to play
Hopeless romantics
Here we go again
But after a while,
you're lookin' the other way
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
(CHITTERING)
I hate going to the zoo. I
feel so sorry for the animals.
Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole
new world for the animals.
In the wild, they would
never experience
boredom, obesity,
loss of purpose...
You know,
the American dream.
(LION GROWLING)
BART: Time to get rid
of the competition.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(PEACOCKS CAWING)
Whoo!
Thank God I landed in
a bunch of fruity birds.
(HISSING)
(SCREAMS) This is where
stem-cell research led us?
David and Bart just aren't working out.
We have to do something.
Hmm...
HOMER: I'm really sorry, but our family
just can't handle both of you boys-.
I hope that somewhere
deep in your data banks,
you process fond
memories of us.
The sad part is,
there were times when I
actually had feelings for you.
I almost felt
I was your father.
What are you talking about?
David feels, and your mother
will agree when I tell her,
that it's best for our family
if you're no longer in it.
(GRUNTS)
We're still going to
the toy store, right?
And I can pick out
as many toys as I want?
HOMER: No toys!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(BART MUMBLING)
There should be a law against
abandoning your child.
(SCREAMS)
Don't fear us.
We're gentle robots who were
cast off just like you.
I'm not a robot. I'm human.
(ALL GASP)
Tell me, young man, what is
it like to have feelings?
I said I'm a human,
not a girl.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
Uh, I think it's about time we
all power down for the night.
Can I stay with you guys tonight?
Of course.
And maybe someday,
you'll teach us to love.
Yeah, maybe.
What did you used to do?
I was a lawnmower.
I could cut grass at three different
heights but I could not love.
I get it. I get it.
It sucks to be you.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
(GROANS)
What the F-prompt?
Our pans are gone.
We've been harvested.
My servos are gone.
That boy screwed us over.
He peed on me.
You are a urinalbot.
Lavatron.
(LAUGHING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, it's Bart. Super.
(ALL SCREAM)
(SINGSONG) I'm home!
You told me he was
at culinary school.
You wanted to
believe the lie.
Time to destroy the one
who did this to me.
To get me, you'll have
to go through your fa...
Oh, those were
my good pants!
Well, the important thing
is we're a family again.
This stinks!
I got stubby
little robot legs
and an ass that's not
equipped for an adult diet.
(GROANS)
LISA: Dad.
Dad, wake up.
You're not a robot.
You're just
possessed by the devil.
The power of
Christ compels thee!
(BABBLING)
I'll call work and tell
them he can't make it.
Woo-hoo!
(LAUGHS) Suckers.
(COCKING GUN)
(SCREAMING)
"Dear Homer Simpson,
"Mr. Burns invites you to a hunting
party at his private estate.
"Parentheses, 'Sinister
Laugh,' close parentheses."
Please don't accept this invitation, Dad.
Hunting is cruel.
Honey, animals don't
feel death.
That was proved by the
scientists at Black Angus.
No fair. Dad gets
to kill wild animals.
But I shoot one bird, and I
have to go to a psychiatrist.
(GROANS) He still thinks
that hobo was a bird.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
This is a pretty sweet deal,
Burns inviting us over.
What kind of motive
do you think he has?
Ulterior. Mmm.
Welcome all! Now, to explain
why I summoned you here.
Oh, God, here it comes.
Time-share pitch.
Well, I got bad credit
so the joke's on you!
You're here to
participate in a hunt
for the world's
most dangerous game.
The most dangerous game?
What could it be? Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm. Hmm.
The game I'm hunting...
ls all of you.
Now, because
I am too kind,
I will give you all
a five-minute head start.
You may commence running!
Five minutes of running? Shoot me now.
(GUNSHOT)
Well, that broke the ice.
Now any man who lives till noon
tomorrow shall win his freedom.
Excuse me.
What gives you the legal
right to do this?
You tell me.
You're my lawyer.
Well, I guess you
are zoned for hunting,
and you have
previously claimed
killing people as
part of your religion.
I think I can
draw something up.
(TYPEWRITER DINGS)
There.
This should hold up in
just about any courtroom.
Excellent.
(ALL SHOUTING)
The game is afoot.
(SNIFFS)
I smell fear.
Mixed with curry.
APU: Uh-oh.
Aah!
You got me! But I shall
be reincarnated. (GROANS)
Ha-ha!
You can't kill a Hindu!
Aah! Help me, Jesus!
(WHIMPERING)
ANNOUNCER: You're watching The
World Series of Manslaughter.
The most violent TV spectacle
since the Hip Hop Image Awards.
Mom, Mr. Burns
is gonna kill Dad!
I should've known
something was wrong
when we got this
week's TV guide.
(LISA GASPS)
Now for his take on tonight's
bloodthirsty action,
here's guest analyst
Terry Bradshaw. Terry?
Well, conventional wisdom says good
fleeing will always beat good chasing.
But the stats say put your
money on the guy with the gun.
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
Dying is just like golfing,
except in golf... (GUNSHOTS)
Aww! You hate to see that.
That's the kind of showboating that'll
turn people off this sport.
Hey, hey, Homer. Burns is coming.
Climb up.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, you fat ass!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Na-na! You missed me!
(GROANS)
Well, before I die,
I'll just scratch that lottery
ticket I got in my pocket.
"Instant jackpot,
one million dollars!"
If I make it out alive,
I could...
(YELLS)
Homer, Burns has only been
chasing us for six hours,
and you've already
resorted to cannibalism.
And there's bananas
in that tree up there.
Uh, they look a little green.
Carl, I see heaven.
What does it look like?
ALL: Hurry up, Lenny. We'll be
late for work at the plant.
(SIGHS AND GROANS)
You can't escape me, Simpson.
You are not smart enough.
HOMER: Yes, l am! I mean...
(MAKING ANIMAL NOISES)
Oh, no! I've been killed!
Outfoxed him with the
corpse of my best friend.
Hee-hee!
(GRUNTS)
(MR. BURNS COCKING GUN)
Ahh!
Is there room in
the head bag, Smithers?
I can make room.
Excellent.
(LOUD THUD)
Done, and done!
Marge, you saved me!
D'oh! What was that for?
Staying out 18 hours
and not calling home once!
Oh, I can't stay mad at you
when that pan smells like
sausage and onions. Mmm...
And I am glad
you're okay.
(MOANING)
All right.
And there you have it.
Terry Bradshaw, your thoughts
on what just transpired.
Well, it's a disgrace,
Roger.
This network will show
a dozen gruesome murders
but I bet they
cut to commercial
before these two begin
the tender act of love.
(BOTH MOANING)
I spoke too soon, huh?
There they go!
Whoa!
That's going in my playbook.
Oh. Everyone's wearing
such an interesting costume.
Look, Grampa's a gorilla,
Sideshow Mel is Spider-Man,
and Nelson's a raccoon.
I'm not a raccoon!
I'm the Lone Ranger!
I'm too poor to
afford the hat.
That's not even a mask.
It's axle grease.
Don't listen
to him, Silver.
(IMITATES HORSE NEIGHING)
And now the finalists
for Best Costume.
First, we have Blacula.
Oh, because I'm black and I'm
Dracula, that makes me Blacula?
(SCOFFS) My wife said,
"Don't go as Dracula,"
but I said, "Bernice, we
live in the 21 st century."
Send him the standard
racist remark apology.
They're in
the middle drawer.
Our other finalist
is this hideous witch.
(CACKLING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Congratulations, you have won
this $25 Kwik-E-Mart certificate.
Sucker.
Twenty-five bucks won't buy
you half a Balance Bar.
I exaggerate, but really,
my prices are very high.
Thank you!
Wait!
Before you leave,
we'd all like to know
which of our beloved regulars
you are under that costume.
Lindsay Naegle? Helen Lovejoy?
Old Jewish Man?
No. I'm right here, dressed
as my brother Irving.
(SIGHS) Every day I miss him.
(LAUGHS)
This is a little awkward because
I'm not wearing a costume.
I'm a real witch.
(ALL GASP) Wait a minute.
That's cheating!
Burn her...
Gift certificate!
Since you are not
technically in costume,
you cannot
win this award!
Rescind my award, will you?
You're all gonna pay!
Taint of mute
and scum of pond,
thou shalt become
the guise thou donned!
(ALL MURMURING)
Speak English, moron.
I'm turning you
into your costumes.
Well, are you gonna talk about
it or are you gonna do it?
(EXCLAIMS)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
Whoa!
I'm not a raccoon!
I'm the Lone Ranger!
Ooh!
Disco Stu wishes he'd
gone as Marilyn McCoo!
(MUTTERING)
Good luck getting your deposits
back on those costumes!
(ALL PROTESTING)
Seymour, I told you
not to go as G.I. Joe!
Mother, I'm fine. I...
Uh-oh.
Oh, this isn't fair.
I wasn't wearing a costume.
Look at me! I'm a young,
strappin' gorilla!
Ow! My hip, it's shattered.
Somebody help me.
Off we go to
the gorilla hospital.
ABE: That's it,
suck out the poison.
Wait a minute.
(ABE SCREAMS)
(HOWLING)
I am not a happy
meal right now.
I'm telling you, I'm Oberon,
king of the fairies!
You're a big fat bug!
And you're going down!
(CAT WHINING)
(GROANS) My spine is not a
scratching post! (MEOWS)
(IN GERMAN ACCENT) Oh! There must be
some way out of this verdammten spell.
Lisa, you think you could
check on your father?
Oh! That's an excellent use of a genius
brain, to look after an idiot head.
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)
Uh!
Uh!
Dammit!
(GASPS) That's the answer!
Maggie's a real witch now.
She can reverse the spell!
(GROWLS) I don't want
to reverse the spell.
I can howl at the moon and eat rats.
(SQUEAKS)
(HOWLING)
(CRASHING)
I don't want
to change, either.
Now I can pull
horses out of the mud.
Then girls will like me.
And I'm Jared
from the Subway ads.
I'm only a little overweight
and sexually ambiguous.
Don't listen to them, Maggie.
Maggie?
Please change me back.
This bumblebee has developed an
unhealthy obsession with me.
I don't want flowers!
I am a flower!
As for Apu-D2,
I could go either way.
(IMITATES WHIRRING)
Click, click, oink.
HOMER: Please change...
(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)
Oh, well. This still
beats being Moe.
Okay, this concludes
this year's Halloween show.
We hope you had as much
fun watching our show
as the Koreans
did animating it.
But there's one group for
whom every day is Halloween.
I'm talking about
adult illiterates.
For them, trying to read
the morning newspaper
is more terrifying than any
goblin, ghoul, spook, or spirit.
So won't you please donate a
children's book or something?
Together we can make
reading a slam dunk.
Dennis Rodman?
What are you doing here?
Working off
a speeding ticket.
Happy Halloween, everybody!
Ripped By mstoll