The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 17, Episode 5 - Marge's Son Poisoning - full transcript
Marge discovers her old tandem bike and she and Bart start a pleasant ritual of cycling to a rural tea-shop every weekend - until the shop closes. Bart is being teased as a mummy's boy by the school bullies and rebels against Marge though when he sees how unhappy this has made her he agrees to join her in a karaoke. Waiting to go on stage Marge has a vision of her and Bart turning out like the Skinners and decides that the real,rebellious Bart is best after all.
(SINGING) The Simpsons
(TIRES SCREECHING)
D'oh!
(SCREAMS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GROWLS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Ripped By mstoll
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(GROANS)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(WHIMPERING)
Uh...
(BEEPING)
(SCREAMS)
(BOTTLE SHATTERS)
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
(SIGHS)
Hmm?
(SCREAMS)
I'm so glad we came
to Paradise Pier.
Ever since
I was a little girl,
I've wanted to ride
that Ferris wheel.
(ALL SCREAMING)
They're tearing down
the pier!
But what will junkies
do drugs under?
They'll bounce back, son.
They're a strong people.
(HAMMERING)
(CREAKING)
(CHUCKLING)
Ooh, ooh! I want to ride
the bumper cars.
Whoa, sir, we're dismantling this ride.
It's not safe.
I call the red one.
(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)
Homie, no!
It's not street legal!
Don't worry, ma'am.
He's not connected
to the power supply,
so he can't go far.
(CHUCKLES) Gulp.
(CHUCKLES) Whee!
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
Whoa, whoa!
(GIGGLES)
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Oh, he's got us
in a corner.
I hate this ride.
(CLATTERS)
Mom, can we buy a
magnesium vapor soak tub?
For the last time, no!
(GROANS)
But how will I increase
my vitality?
(GRUMBLING)
Uh, he’s just faking loss
of vitality, Reverend.
Mmm-hmm. I believe you.
A strong man?
Are you for sale?
Because I need someone to throw
a birdbath at my neighbor.
Robusto is not for sale. But would
you like to buy my last dumbbell?
Hmm, I suppose I could
use a little toning.
(JIGGLING)
I'll give you $5 for it.
Sold!
(GASPS)
A bicycle built for two!
And I could be
one of those two.
Homie, if I buy
a bicycle built for two,
will you ride with me?
Marge, I don't hate
your mother.
I just won't be sad
when she dies.
Forty-seven, forty-eight...
I was asking for something.
Yeah, sure.
Whatever you want.
Ninety-five, 96, 13, 64,
banana...
I'll take it.
I can't believe
I own a tandem bike.
Mmm-mmm!
You want me to ride
a what-cycle built for who?
Our tandem bicycle.
When I bought it,
you said you'd ride with me.
But I'm watching television. A lot
of people worked hard on this show.
(SIGHS) I was really
looking forward lo it.
Bart, how would you like to go on
a tandem bike ride with your mom?
Mom, please!
I'm playing a video game.
Mmm, small hill.
Pedal, pedal, pedal.
Now enjoy scenery.
Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy!
(SIGHS)
Maggie, would you like
to ride with me?
(SIGHS) on...
(SLURPING)
Bart, why is your
mom riding
a two-person bike
by herself?
Ha-ha! She's lonely.
Moms don't get lonely.
Hmm...
Three hundred and six...
(YAWNS)
Three hundred and seven...
(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)
(MUTTERING)
(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)
Hey, Mom!
Want to go for a ride?
I'd love to.
I'll be right...
Wait.
Are you sure
you're not just trying
to get me to make
pizza for breakfast?
HOMER: Woo-hoo!
Pizza for breakfast!
Mom, I mean it.
I want to ride with you.
Aww.
I'll be right down.
Hello, Dominos? What do
you mean you're not open?
No, you call me back
during business hours.
I'll show you who's
a recorded message!
Puddle!
(BOTH LAUGH)
I'm glad I could share
in their fun.
(SINGING) Well, I heard
Neil Young sing about her
I heard ol' Neil
put her down
In the name of the...
ALL: Hey!
Well, I hope
Neil Young will remember
(CHOKES)
This southern man
don't need him 'round anyhow
Mom, who's Neil Young?
He was a singer in the '60s, like
the Archies, and the Banana Splits.
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
(OWL HOOTING)
I'm a little worried. This part
of the county is unincorporated.
Just to be safe, I'm gonna
dial 9-1 on my cell phone.
(BEEPS)
A tea house?
Want to go inside?
I don't know.
Think they have video games?
Mmm, no.
Batting case?
No.
Rock climbing wall?
No.
Robot musical review?
No.
Zumanity by Cirque du Soleil?
No.
Bathroom?
Yes!
Well, that's really what I
need the most. Let's go.
Mmm. Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Wow, Mom! I love tea.
You haven't had any tea.
Yeah. Well, I still
love this place.
Good afternoon, madam.
Oh, and who's your
handsome gentleman friend?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, you.
(HUMMING)
(ALL STRUGGLING)
Don't do that
That hurts.
Careful, careful.
Hey, what's the big idea getting
trapped under that thing?
Uh, long story.
Uh, we were trying to
impress some girls
and things kind of got away from us.
(CHUCKLES)
Just for the record,
I regret nothing.
(GRUNTS)
Homer, how'd your
right arm get so strong?
Just lifting this dumbbell.
49,999, 50,000!
(CHUCKLES)
I'm pretty happy with this baby.
Now it's lefty's turn.
Oh, no, you don't.
I just got an idea.
Listen.
Huh?
(WHISPERS)
(CHUCKLES)
(ANGRILY)
Hey, you... Huh?
What? Hey...
Uh!
(ANGRILY) Why...
Ah.
Yeah.
Mom, all we have is carrot
sticks and fresh fruit.
Well, we could bike lo the
teashop and have some cake.
All right!
Pedal to the kettle!
Hey, Bart. They're
testing me for lazy eye.
You want to come with?
Hmm?
Oh, sorry, Milhouse.
I've got plans.
Okay. I'll bring you back
an eye care pamphlet.
Okay, here comes our victim.
Let's bash his head in.
Hey, Moe, I thought you
were just gonna hustle him?
Oh, right. I was thinking
of another thing I got going.
Give me a bottle of bourbon. I got a
new liver and I'm breaking it in.
Excuse me,
Mr. Bartender, sir.
May I have a sugar-free
ginger ale?
And, uh, make it flat,
the bubbles burn my buds.
Galdurnit, son. What the
hell kind of sissy are you?
Hey, are you calling
my life partner a sissy?
Because 100 bucks says he could
whoop you in arm wrestling.
A Texas penny it is.
Yee-haw!
Galdangit!
I've been played
like a dimwit's kazoo!
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
Yes! Homer, we make
a dynamite team. Huh?
With your arm and my head gunk,
we're going right to the top.
(GUNS COOKING)
Whoa!
This is one
Texan who don't like
when he's made
out to be a fool.
Well, uh, what do you like?
I don't know. A good book,
long walk on the beach.
So, we, uh... We kind of
even things up here?
Not yet. l want to play
some Frisbee.
You know, honey,
I've really started
to look forward to
our little bike rides.
Me, too, Mother.
Oh, such respect?
You could grow up
to be a doorman.
WOMAN; Loyal customers, we have
been forced to close forever.
It seems our cakes were
filled with rat droppings.
It's not that
we're bad people,
we just weren't
paying close attention.
Ta-ta.
What did it say?
Uh...
She died.
Hmm?
Well, Bart,
I guess that's it.
We'll have to go back
to our separate things.
Hey, we could have tea
in my tree house.
You invited me to
your tree house?
Wow!
That's like Bruce Wayne letting
his mother into the Bat Club.
(SLURPS)
Hmm.
So, is that standing water?
Yeah.
(BUZZING)
You know, that puddle started
life as a bowl of cereal.
(GROANS)
Hmm.
I think I might be able
to turn this tree house
into a teahouse.
Mom, this is great!
Makes our real house
look like a pile of crap.
And l threw out
all your old comics.
Mom!
(CHUCKLES)
Just kidding.
Today's mom knows
to seal them in Mylar
so you can never
read them again.
Never, ever again.
Where are you two going?
I'm joining a professional
arm wrestling circuit.
Uh-huh, and how will this affect
your job at the power plant?
Negatively, I assume.
Oh, well, we're off
to buy a new tea set.
Have fun.
(CAR DOORS SHUT)
Jeez, she didn't seem
angry or anything.
Maybe she doesn't care
anymore.
Forget about her, Homer.
She's dead to you now.
Okay.
Now, if we get bored
on the bus,
I got a book of
brainteasers here.
Let's see.
Oh! "Brothers and sisters
have I none,
"but this man's
father is my father's son."
Huh.
Ah, screw you,
you stupid thing!
"He is my son."
That blows.
I can't wait to use
our new Krusty the
Clown tea service.
Me neither.
Oh, my God! I took the salesman's pen.
I'll be right back.
KRUSTY: Green tea? What's that,
Mr. T's Irish brother?
(LAUGHS)
Earl Grey?
I'd rather have Linda Gray.
ls she still alive?
What's next? What the hell,
I'm not doing that one.
(CHUCKLES) Huh?
JIMBO: Hey, Simpson.
What are you gonna do with that teapot?
Gay out?
I'll answer for you. Yes.
What? Um...
Uh...
I just shoplifted
this bad boy.
Housewares never
knew what hit 'em.
Why didn't you steal
something cool?
Uh, because I'm gonna bring it back
to the store for store credit.
How are you gonna get credit
without a gift receipt, ass?
Um, well...
We've seen you hanging out
with your mom, Simpson.
Word on the street
is you're a mama's boy.
Hey! There is no way that
Bart Simpson is a mama's boy.
Oh, Bart!
Aren't they jazzy?
They match the new curtains
we hung in your tree house.
Here, try yours on.
I got you a child's
large because
your tummy's getting
kind of bloopy
from all the cakes
we've been having.
Somebody here
likes princess cakes.
Princess cake?
Bart, you just got yourself
a nickname for life.
Hey, Princess Cake,
want some princess cake?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Bart, are you having a fight
with your boyfriends?
Shut up! I don't want
your stupid sweatshirt!
(GASPS)
Or your tea set!
(GRUNTS)
KRUSTY: Smashing voids my warranty.
Have a good life.
Mom, I only hung out with you
because I felt sorry for you.
That was weird.
Will you teach us
how to smoke?
No!
(BART GRUNTING)
I can't believe she suckered
me into being a mama's boy.
I got to make this
place mine again.
(GRUNTS)
(CHIPS CRUNCHING)
(GROANS)
It's gonna take me weeks to
get the booger wall back up.
Bart?
You're not allowed in here!
Can't you read the sign?
You mean this?
BART: Ay, caramba!
(GRUNTS)
I'm worried about Mom.
She's been sitting there just
petting the dog for two hours.
(YELPS)
(WHIMPERS)
Hey, Mom.
Hello, Bart. Just so you
know, I sold our bike.
Faster! Faster!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BOTH SCREAM)
Uh-oh.
(ALL SCREAMING)
But we had so much
fun on that bike.
(SCREAMS)
Mom, I really did like
hanging out with you.
(SIGHS) Hmm.
You know, there's a karaoke
night at school tomorrow.
Some of the little kids are bringing
their parents. Do you want to go?
Really? Can we do a duet?
Sure, why not?
(CHUCKLES)
It'll be fun.
It's still happening!
(MEN GRUNTING)
Oh, I can't believe Marge hasn't called me.
Maybe I should go home.
Oh, Marge called you.
She said, uh,
that she loves you
and she hopes you
break the guy's arm
so hard that it pokes through his skin.
(CHUCKLES)
Did she say anything else?
Yeah. She said
to shut up and stop
asking questions
and listen to Moe.
Oh, Marge.
I love her so much.
Now, Homer, you got to keep your
head in the game, all right?
Your first opponent is Leftie
"The Righty" Leftwright.
(GRUNTS)
Whoa. He looks tough.
Yeah. He only lost once, in
his fight against illiteracy.
I can relate. I fought that
foe and lost many times.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh, Marge isn't home.
Homer, focus.
Moe, I'm starting
to have grave doubts
about this thing I barely
liked in the first place.
Come on, Homer.
We can make it all the way
to the quarter-finals
for the eastern division, class
B over 35 amateur grouping!
Sorry, Moe. The place for
my arm is around my wife.
(BONE CRACKS)
(GROANS)
Homer, come back.
You've got my teeth whitening
system in your suitcase.
Let's see. What would be
a good duet? Hmm.
Just the Two of Us,
You and Me Against the World,
Ebony and Ivory...
Ebony and Ivory?
(CHUCKLES)
I'm afraid that song's
taken by me and my mother.
You know, people say when we're on
stage, it's more like "scary-oke."
Uh, scary talented,
I assume.
I'm singing a song
with Bart tonight.
Capital! My mother and I
have been performing together
since l was in fourth grade, and
it's really brought us closer.
Seymour! Where were you? A
brightly-colored car hurt my eyes.
Don't worry, Mother.
I have your eye balm
in my man-purse
right here.
Good boy. You can push your
crib into Mommy's room tonight.
It's not a crib. It's a cot.
If it has rails,
it's a crib!
(GROANS)
(SINGING)
Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prairie sun?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all
the cowboys gone?
(VOCALIZING)
(EXHALES) Whew!
You know, Mother,
I wasn't sure about tonight.
But seeing us dressed the same
really feels right. (BELLS JINGLING)
Well, now I'm not so sure about
the bells on the painters pants.
Are you kidding?
I love my tinklies!
(BELLS JINGLE)
(GROANS)
Next up on the Springfield
Elementary Karaoke Showcase is
Skinner and Mrs. Skinner!
(SCATTERED CLAPPING)
(SINGING)
Ebony and Ivory
Live together in
perfect harmony
(BOTH SINGING)
Side by side
on my piano keyboard
(GASPS)
Oh, Lord, why don't we?
No!
Stop the showcase!
Mrs. Simpson, please!
Uh, hush up, Seymour. She's just
saying what we're all thinking.
Mother,
what are you doing?
Don't call me "Mother."
My name is Mom.
And my son
is no mama's boy!
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
Bart, you're a wild
heck-raiser
and I don't want to
see you turn into that!
What? A wall?
Mom, l thought this
was what you wanted.
Your job isn't
to worry about me.
It's to give me things
to worry about.
Hmm...
Hey, losers.
I'm gonna do to you
what you did to these songs.
Interpret them artistically?
(GRUNTS)
Die, die, die!
(ALL COUGHING)
We were gonna sing
My Sharona.
(GIGGLES)
(SINGING)
Sweet Home Alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet home Alabama
(GASPS)
Lord, I'm coming home to you
Alabama!
Marge, spending time with
you is more important to me
than all the pie-eating
contests in the world.
I thought it was
arm wrestling.
I was in a pie-eating
contest on the way home.
Now let's go to bed.
(ALL SINGING) Oh, my little
pretty one, my pretty one
When you gonna give me
some time, Sharona?
Ooh, you make my motor run,
my motor run
Gun it coming off the line,
Sharona
Never gonna stop,
give it up
Such a dirty mind,
always get it up
For the touch of
the younger kind
My, my, my, my, my, whoo
ALL: Whoa!
HOMER: That song
is a pop music footnote.
I didn't say stop.
(ALL SINGING)
My, my, my, my Sharona
Ripped By mstoll
(TIRES SCREECHING)
D'oh!
(SCREAMS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GROWLS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Ripped By mstoll
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(GROANS)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(WHIMPERING)
Uh...
(BEEPING)
(SCREAMS)
(BOTTLE SHATTERS)
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
(SIGHS)
Hmm?
(SCREAMS)
I'm so glad we came
to Paradise Pier.
Ever since
I was a little girl,
I've wanted to ride
that Ferris wheel.
(ALL SCREAMING)
They're tearing down
the pier!
But what will junkies
do drugs under?
They'll bounce back, son.
They're a strong people.
(HAMMERING)
(CREAKING)
(CHUCKLING)
Ooh, ooh! I want to ride
the bumper cars.
Whoa, sir, we're dismantling this ride.
It's not safe.
I call the red one.
(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)
Homie, no!
It's not street legal!
Don't worry, ma'am.
He's not connected
to the power supply,
so he can't go far.
(CHUCKLES) Gulp.
(CHUCKLES) Whee!
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
Whoa, whoa!
(GIGGLES)
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Oh, he's got us
in a corner.
I hate this ride.
(CLATTERS)
Mom, can we buy a
magnesium vapor soak tub?
For the last time, no!
(GROANS)
But how will I increase
my vitality?
(GRUMBLING)
Uh, he’s just faking loss
of vitality, Reverend.
Mmm-hmm. I believe you.
A strong man?
Are you for sale?
Because I need someone to throw
a birdbath at my neighbor.
Robusto is not for sale. But would
you like to buy my last dumbbell?
Hmm, I suppose I could
use a little toning.
(JIGGLING)
I'll give you $5 for it.
Sold!
(GASPS)
A bicycle built for two!
And I could be
one of those two.
Homie, if I buy
a bicycle built for two,
will you ride with me?
Marge, I don't hate
your mother.
I just won't be sad
when she dies.
Forty-seven, forty-eight...
I was asking for something.
Yeah, sure.
Whatever you want.
Ninety-five, 96, 13, 64,
banana...
I'll take it.
I can't believe
I own a tandem bike.
Mmm-mmm!
You want me to ride
a what-cycle built for who?
Our tandem bicycle.
When I bought it,
you said you'd ride with me.
But I'm watching television. A lot
of people worked hard on this show.
(SIGHS) I was really
looking forward lo it.
Bart, how would you like to go on
a tandem bike ride with your mom?
Mom, please!
I'm playing a video game.
Mmm, small hill.
Pedal, pedal, pedal.
Now enjoy scenery.
Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy!
(SIGHS)
Maggie, would you like
to ride with me?
(SIGHS) on...
(SLURPING)
Bart, why is your
mom riding
a two-person bike
by herself?
Ha-ha! She's lonely.
Moms don't get lonely.
Hmm...
Three hundred and six...
(YAWNS)
Three hundred and seven...
(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)
(MUTTERING)
(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)
Hey, Mom!
Want to go for a ride?
I'd love to.
I'll be right...
Wait.
Are you sure
you're not just trying
to get me to make
pizza for breakfast?
HOMER: Woo-hoo!
Pizza for breakfast!
Mom, I mean it.
I want to ride with you.
Aww.
I'll be right down.
Hello, Dominos? What do
you mean you're not open?
No, you call me back
during business hours.
I'll show you who's
a recorded message!
Puddle!
(BOTH LAUGH)
I'm glad I could share
in their fun.
(SINGING) Well, I heard
Neil Young sing about her
I heard ol' Neil
put her down
In the name of the...
ALL: Hey!
Well, I hope
Neil Young will remember
(CHOKES)
This southern man
don't need him 'round anyhow
Mom, who's Neil Young?
He was a singer in the '60s, like
the Archies, and the Banana Splits.
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
(OWL HOOTING)
I'm a little worried. This part
of the county is unincorporated.
Just to be safe, I'm gonna
dial 9-1 on my cell phone.
(BEEPS)
A tea house?
Want to go inside?
I don't know.
Think they have video games?
Mmm, no.
Batting case?
No.
Rock climbing wall?
No.
Robot musical review?
No.
Zumanity by Cirque du Soleil?
No.
Bathroom?
Yes!
Well, that's really what I
need the most. Let's go.
Mmm. Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Wow, Mom! I love tea.
You haven't had any tea.
Yeah. Well, I still
love this place.
Good afternoon, madam.
Oh, and who's your
handsome gentleman friend?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, you.
(HUMMING)
(ALL STRUGGLING)
Don't do that
That hurts.
Careful, careful.
Hey, what's the big idea getting
trapped under that thing?
Uh, long story.
Uh, we were trying to
impress some girls
and things kind of got away from us.
(CHUCKLES)
Just for the record,
I regret nothing.
(GRUNTS)
Homer, how'd your
right arm get so strong?
Just lifting this dumbbell.
49,999, 50,000!
(CHUCKLES)
I'm pretty happy with this baby.
Now it's lefty's turn.
Oh, no, you don't.
I just got an idea.
Listen.
Huh?
(WHISPERS)
(CHUCKLES)
(ANGRILY)
Hey, you... Huh?
What? Hey...
Uh!
(ANGRILY) Why...
Ah.
Yeah.
Mom, all we have is carrot
sticks and fresh fruit.
Well, we could bike lo the
teashop and have some cake.
All right!
Pedal to the kettle!
Hey, Bart. They're
testing me for lazy eye.
You want to come with?
Hmm?
Oh, sorry, Milhouse.
I've got plans.
Okay. I'll bring you back
an eye care pamphlet.
Okay, here comes our victim.
Let's bash his head in.
Hey, Moe, I thought you
were just gonna hustle him?
Oh, right. I was thinking
of another thing I got going.
Give me a bottle of bourbon. I got a
new liver and I'm breaking it in.
Excuse me,
Mr. Bartender, sir.
May I have a sugar-free
ginger ale?
And, uh, make it flat,
the bubbles burn my buds.
Galdurnit, son. What the
hell kind of sissy are you?
Hey, are you calling
my life partner a sissy?
Because 100 bucks says he could
whoop you in arm wrestling.
A Texas penny it is.
Yee-haw!
Galdangit!
I've been played
like a dimwit's kazoo!
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
Yes! Homer, we make
a dynamite team. Huh?
With your arm and my head gunk,
we're going right to the top.
(GUNS COOKING)
Whoa!
This is one
Texan who don't like
when he's made
out to be a fool.
Well, uh, what do you like?
I don't know. A good book,
long walk on the beach.
So, we, uh... We kind of
even things up here?
Not yet. l want to play
some Frisbee.
You know, honey,
I've really started
to look forward to
our little bike rides.
Me, too, Mother.
Oh, such respect?
You could grow up
to be a doorman.
WOMAN; Loyal customers, we have
been forced to close forever.
It seems our cakes were
filled with rat droppings.
It's not that
we're bad people,
we just weren't
paying close attention.
Ta-ta.
What did it say?
Uh...
She died.
Hmm?
Well, Bart,
I guess that's it.
We'll have to go back
to our separate things.
Hey, we could have tea
in my tree house.
You invited me to
your tree house?
Wow!
That's like Bruce Wayne letting
his mother into the Bat Club.
(SLURPS)
Hmm.
So, is that standing water?
Yeah.
(BUZZING)
You know, that puddle started
life as a bowl of cereal.
(GROANS)
Hmm.
I think I might be able
to turn this tree house
into a teahouse.
Mom, this is great!
Makes our real house
look like a pile of crap.
And l threw out
all your old comics.
Mom!
(CHUCKLES)
Just kidding.
Today's mom knows
to seal them in Mylar
so you can never
read them again.
Never, ever again.
Where are you two going?
I'm joining a professional
arm wrestling circuit.
Uh-huh, and how will this affect
your job at the power plant?
Negatively, I assume.
Oh, well, we're off
to buy a new tea set.
Have fun.
(CAR DOORS SHUT)
Jeez, she didn't seem
angry or anything.
Maybe she doesn't care
anymore.
Forget about her, Homer.
She's dead to you now.
Okay.
Now, if we get bored
on the bus,
I got a book of
brainteasers here.
Let's see.
Oh! "Brothers and sisters
have I none,
"but this man's
father is my father's son."
Huh.
Ah, screw you,
you stupid thing!
"He is my son."
That blows.
I can't wait to use
our new Krusty the
Clown tea service.
Me neither.
Oh, my God! I took the salesman's pen.
I'll be right back.
KRUSTY: Green tea? What's that,
Mr. T's Irish brother?
(LAUGHS)
Earl Grey?
I'd rather have Linda Gray.
ls she still alive?
What's next? What the hell,
I'm not doing that one.
(CHUCKLES) Huh?
JIMBO: Hey, Simpson.
What are you gonna do with that teapot?
Gay out?
I'll answer for you. Yes.
What? Um...
Uh...
I just shoplifted
this bad boy.
Housewares never
knew what hit 'em.
Why didn't you steal
something cool?
Uh, because I'm gonna bring it back
to the store for store credit.
How are you gonna get credit
without a gift receipt, ass?
Um, well...
We've seen you hanging out
with your mom, Simpson.
Word on the street
is you're a mama's boy.
Hey! There is no way that
Bart Simpson is a mama's boy.
Oh, Bart!
Aren't they jazzy?
They match the new curtains
we hung in your tree house.
Here, try yours on.
I got you a child's
large because
your tummy's getting
kind of bloopy
from all the cakes
we've been having.
Somebody here
likes princess cakes.
Princess cake?
Bart, you just got yourself
a nickname for life.
Hey, Princess Cake,
want some princess cake?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Bart, are you having a fight
with your boyfriends?
Shut up! I don't want
your stupid sweatshirt!
(GASPS)
Or your tea set!
(GRUNTS)
KRUSTY: Smashing voids my warranty.
Have a good life.
Mom, I only hung out with you
because I felt sorry for you.
That was weird.
Will you teach us
how to smoke?
No!
(BART GRUNTING)
I can't believe she suckered
me into being a mama's boy.
I got to make this
place mine again.
(GRUNTS)
(CHIPS CRUNCHING)
(GROANS)
It's gonna take me weeks to
get the booger wall back up.
Bart?
You're not allowed in here!
Can't you read the sign?
You mean this?
BART: Ay, caramba!
(GRUNTS)
I'm worried about Mom.
She's been sitting there just
petting the dog for two hours.
(YELPS)
(WHIMPERS)
Hey, Mom.
Hello, Bart. Just so you
know, I sold our bike.
Faster! Faster!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BOTH SCREAM)
Uh-oh.
(ALL SCREAMING)
But we had so much
fun on that bike.
(SCREAMS)
Mom, I really did like
hanging out with you.
(SIGHS) Hmm.
You know, there's a karaoke
night at school tomorrow.
Some of the little kids are bringing
their parents. Do you want to go?
Really? Can we do a duet?
Sure, why not?
(CHUCKLES)
It'll be fun.
It's still happening!
(MEN GRUNTING)
Oh, I can't believe Marge hasn't called me.
Maybe I should go home.
Oh, Marge called you.
She said, uh,
that she loves you
and she hopes you
break the guy's arm
so hard that it pokes through his skin.
(CHUCKLES)
Did she say anything else?
Yeah. She said
to shut up and stop
asking questions
and listen to Moe.
Oh, Marge.
I love her so much.
Now, Homer, you got to keep your
head in the game, all right?
Your first opponent is Leftie
"The Righty" Leftwright.
(GRUNTS)
Whoa. He looks tough.
Yeah. He only lost once, in
his fight against illiteracy.
I can relate. I fought that
foe and lost many times.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh, Marge isn't home.
Homer, focus.
Moe, I'm starting
to have grave doubts
about this thing I barely
liked in the first place.
Come on, Homer.
We can make it all the way
to the quarter-finals
for the eastern division, class
B over 35 amateur grouping!
Sorry, Moe. The place for
my arm is around my wife.
(BONE CRACKS)
(GROANS)
Homer, come back.
You've got my teeth whitening
system in your suitcase.
Let's see. What would be
a good duet? Hmm.
Just the Two of Us,
You and Me Against the World,
Ebony and Ivory...
Ebony and Ivory?
(CHUCKLES)
I'm afraid that song's
taken by me and my mother.
You know, people say when we're on
stage, it's more like "scary-oke."
Uh, scary talented,
I assume.
I'm singing a song
with Bart tonight.
Capital! My mother and I
have been performing together
since l was in fourth grade, and
it's really brought us closer.
Seymour! Where were you? A
brightly-colored car hurt my eyes.
Don't worry, Mother.
I have your eye balm
in my man-purse
right here.
Good boy. You can push your
crib into Mommy's room tonight.
It's not a crib. It's a cot.
If it has rails,
it's a crib!
(GROANS)
(SINGING)
Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prairie sun?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all
the cowboys gone?
(VOCALIZING)
(EXHALES) Whew!
You know, Mother,
I wasn't sure about tonight.
But seeing us dressed the same
really feels right. (BELLS JINGLING)
Well, now I'm not so sure about
the bells on the painters pants.
Are you kidding?
I love my tinklies!
(BELLS JINGLE)
(GROANS)
Next up on the Springfield
Elementary Karaoke Showcase is
Skinner and Mrs. Skinner!
(SCATTERED CLAPPING)
(SINGING)
Ebony and Ivory
Live together in
perfect harmony
(BOTH SINGING)
Side by side
on my piano keyboard
(GASPS)
Oh, Lord, why don't we?
No!
Stop the showcase!
Mrs. Simpson, please!
Uh, hush up, Seymour. She's just
saying what we're all thinking.
Mother,
what are you doing?
Don't call me "Mother."
My name is Mom.
And my son
is no mama's boy!
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
Bart, you're a wild
heck-raiser
and I don't want to
see you turn into that!
What? A wall?
Mom, l thought this
was what you wanted.
Your job isn't
to worry about me.
It's to give me things
to worry about.
Hmm...
Hey, losers.
I'm gonna do to you
what you did to these songs.
Interpret them artistically?
(GRUNTS)
Die, die, die!
(ALL COUGHING)
We were gonna sing
My Sharona.
(GIGGLES)
(SINGING)
Sweet Home Alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet home Alabama
(GASPS)
Lord, I'm coming home to you
Alabama!
Marge, spending time with
you is more important to me
than all the pie-eating
contests in the world.
I thought it was
arm wrestling.
I was in a pie-eating
contest on the way home.
Now let's go to bed.
(ALL SINGING) Oh, my little
pretty one, my pretty one
When you gonna give me
some time, Sharona?
Ooh, you make my motor run,
my motor run
Gun it coming off the line,
Sharona
Never gonna stop,
give it up
Such a dirty mind,
always get it up
For the touch of
the younger kind
My, my, my, my, my, whoo
ALL: Whoa!
HOMER: That song
is a pop music footnote.
I didn't say stop.
(ALL SINGING)
My, my, my, my Sharona
Ripped By mstoll