The Shivering Truth (2017): Season 1, Episode 4 - Constadeath - full transcript
Dying once every three seconds brings shame on everyone.
Announcer:
Announcer:
Of
Announcer:
Of course,
Announcer:
Of course, dreams
Announcer:
Of course, dreams can
Announcer:
Of course, dreams can come
Announcer:
Of course, dreams can come true.
[ Ominous music plays ]
♪♪
[ Thunder crashing ]
♪♪
And there's nothing
more desperately chipper
than the escapist daydreams
of a man in bondage
fantasizing he is another person
in another place.
[ Harp plays ]
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
It is imperative
he divert his mind
from the unthinkable
suffering...
[ Ding! ]
agony...
[ Ding! ]
...anguish.
[ Ding! ]
♪ La, la, la, la-la ♪
But the bibles teach that dreams
are lies and lies are sins...
[ Ding! ]
...that, thus, all imagined boys
must collect penance
for their existence.
[ Thinking ] Please don't
make me do this to me.
[ Ding! ]
Announcer: And that for those
who have been dreamed
into being,
the only escape
is to premember a happy moment
that will happen
many lifetimes from now.
[ Harp plays ]
[ Up-tempo music plays,
whip cracking ]
Sorry for the wait,
Mr. Lawson.
We got your results,
and I'd better be quick
because you only have
about 34 seconds to live.
So I was --
Excuse me?
Did you say --
34 seconds.
Starting...now!
Are you saying
I'm gonna die?
Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, what you have is
much worse than death.
It's sorta like...
death squared.
It's called "Consta-Death."
Consta-Death?
Oh, you've heard of it.
Not really.
Oh. Well, with Consta-Death,
you'll be dying once
every few seconds
for the rest of your life.
So I will be alive?
Not exactly.
The only treatment is
to pledge eternal devotion
to my proprietary genetic hybrid
of Hinduism and cheese.
It's medicinal
reincarnation therapy.
I'm lactose intolerant.
It doesn't matter. Just pledge
eternal devotion to it -- quick!
Okay, okay! How?
Sign here. Hurry!
Chim, chim!
Chop-chop! Now!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays ]
[ Ding! ]
Uh...wow.
Uh, uh...
[ Buzzer, harp plays ]
[ Ding! ]
Well, your new faith
is up and running.
How do you feel?
It feels a little weird, but --
[ Buzzer, harp plays ]
[ Ding! ]
It beats being white.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sproing! ]
[ Applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Ting! ]
Hey, hon.
Hey. How was your day?
The van needs oil.
Oh, and the doc says I have
this thing called Consta-Death.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Uh-huh. What are you
thinking for dinner?
You know what sounds good,
is just a plate of birdseed.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Actually, scratch that.
I think I'll just have
some eucalyptus leaves.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Or you know what?
I'm really craving
a deer carcass tonight.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Whoa, bear!
Hold your horses now.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Hey, leave me out of this.
You know
what I'm talking about?
[ Tink! ]
Bears don't eat deers, liar!
What's going on here?
I want to speak
to my real husband -- now!
Where is he?!
[ Sobs ]
[ Voice breaking ] I don't
think I can bring him back.
[ Crying ]
[ Audience groans ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Ding! ]
[ Audience "awws" ]
But I'll try.
Hnnnnnnnnn!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Ding! Ding! Ding! ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Honey!
Oh, I missed you.
How have you been?
I'm good, I'm good.
How have...
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Hnnnnnn!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Ding! Ding! Ding! ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
[ Choir vocalizing ]
...you been lately?
Oh, I'm pretty good.
And you?
[ Sighs ]
You know me -- same ol'...
[ Buzzer ]
Hnnn!
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
[ Buzzer, ding! ding! ding! ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
...same ol'.
Oh,
and how about yourself?
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Hnnn!
Though only together
3 seconds per year,
the Lawsons were like
any other couple.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Listen, we need
to have a difficult...
[ Buzzer ]
Hnnn!
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
...talk.
I think that we should
start seeing other...
[ Buzzer ]
Hnnn!
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
...people.
Y-You're breaking up
with me?
[ Buzzer ]
Hnnn!
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Yes.
I met someone.
How? Who is it?
Would you like to meet her?
I'll get her right now.
Hnnn!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]
You stay away from my man!
Wait.
It's not what you think.
I was just using your husband
to get to you.
I need you to sign this --
quick!
What?
-What is this?
-No time to think.
Sign now or die!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Oh, Mary, my dearest.
There you are.
Why do you toy with me
like this?
Announcer: Maintaining
long-term relationships
can be difficult work.
One way to keep the romance
alive in marriage
is to unite against
a common enemy.
Sam and Iris Beekoh found
that a shared disappointment
in their son, Benny,
brought them closer together.
So they vowed to stay ashamed
of the kid
for the sake of the marriage.
They struggled valiantly
to degrade
and remain let down by him.
Their love fed on his misery.
And for every atom of agony
they caused the boy,
they were rewarded
with 10 pounds of passion.
The very face of his home
seemed to stare
with a chilling indifference
to Benny.
Or was it hitting on him?
[ Tink! ]
For their fifth anniversary,
Sam gave his wife
a special gift.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, Sam!
You shouldn't have.
In that moment,
Benny realized his pain
had something important
to say.
Something vital to our nation.
Mama?
Our sores
are sources of wisdom.
Mama!
Which won't be silenced
by any man.
Mama! Mama!
Benny told the wound he was
not technically its mother.
But maternal instincts
kick hard,
and he found himself
breastfeeding the little fellow.
Pain's palate matures quickly.
Baba wan chili.
Gimmee chili.
Chili!
It is often
the neglected children
who are most willing to go the
extra mile for their own young.
[ Burps ] Aah.
[ Panting ] Aah!
Waaaah!
[ Siren wailing ]
Chili too hot!
Wow!
Baba need wawa!
[ Gulping ]
[ Pounding on door ]
Officer:
Chili police! Open up!
You have 30 seconds,
or we'll do this!
[ Gun cocks ]
[ Machine-gun fire ]
♪♪
Mmm.
[ Snorts, grunts ]
Mmm.
Yummy cop in my tum-tum.
Mmm!
Announcer: Some claim
that cop meat is brain food.
Ahh!
[ British accent ] Blimey,
that quite hit the spot, Eric.
But my name is Benny.
You can't fool me, Eric.
You see,
I am no ordinary wound.
For I am British.
I think I'm going crazy.
Nonsense. I would contend
that you are...
going sane.
Rawr!
[ Glass shatters, guitar plays ]
And now that you have
raised me proper,
I hereby agree to be
your Spirit Guide.
But I don't want
a spirit guide.
Excellent! That is the first
step in your soul journey.
Step 2 -- magic trick.
Now, choose a number
between 1 and 13,
but not 2 or 4.
Now double it, add 16,
multiply by 3,
and subtract half.
Now, what was
your original number?
I never chose a number.
And this is just
as I have foreseen.
So. Do you
feel maturated now?
I guess.
Announcer:
When their healing work is done,
our wounds begin
to heal themselves.
[ Straining ]
[ Weakly ]
You've got to help me!
I'm dying!
No,
it's just you're healing.
What do you think happens
to me when I'm all healed?
I'm dead, gone!
You've got to cut me.
[ Thinking ] Please don't
make me do this to me.
You want me to die?
Are you a murderer?
Cut me, murderer!
Okay, okay.
Aah!
What the bloody hell
are you doing?!
You told me to cut you.
I did no such thing!
[ Crying ]
This means
you're the one dying.
You better sign
the contract quick.
[ Clock ticking ]
Free me.
Announcer: At that moment,
Benny became a man in his pants.
He knew what to do.
[ Screeches ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Tink! ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
He passed the test
and found the love
his home had long withheld.
Free me.
Push. Push.
Push! Push!
Push! Push! Push!!
"You are the father
I never had"...
Benny thought to himself
about himself.
♪♪
And that is how one boy
discovered where wounds go
when they heal.
♪ "Oh, Father, oh, Father ♪
♪ Don't lay the blame on me ♪
♪ 'Twas the false nurse
and Lankin ♪
♪ That killed your lady" ♪
♪ So Lankin was hung ♪
♪ On the gibbet so high ♪
♪ And the false nurse was burned
in a fire close by ♪
♪♪
Announcer:
Of
Announcer:
Of course,
Announcer:
Of course, dreams
Announcer:
Of course, dreams can
Announcer:
Of course, dreams can come
Announcer:
Of course, dreams can come true.
[ Ominous music plays ]
♪♪
[ Thunder crashing ]
♪♪
And there's nothing
more desperately chipper
than the escapist daydreams
of a man in bondage
fantasizing he is another person
in another place.
[ Harp plays ]
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
It is imperative
he divert his mind
from the unthinkable
suffering...
[ Ding! ]
agony...
[ Ding! ]
...anguish.
[ Ding! ]
♪ La, la, la, la-la ♪
But the bibles teach that dreams
are lies and lies are sins...
[ Ding! ]
...that, thus, all imagined boys
must collect penance
for their existence.
[ Thinking ] Please don't
make me do this to me.
[ Ding! ]
Announcer: And that for those
who have been dreamed
into being,
the only escape
is to premember a happy moment
that will happen
many lifetimes from now.
[ Harp plays ]
[ Up-tempo music plays,
whip cracking ]
Sorry for the wait,
Mr. Lawson.
We got your results,
and I'd better be quick
because you only have
about 34 seconds to live.
So I was --
Excuse me?
Did you say --
34 seconds.
Starting...now!
Are you saying
I'm gonna die?
Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, what you have is
much worse than death.
It's sorta like...
death squared.
It's called "Consta-Death."
Consta-Death?
Oh, you've heard of it.
Not really.
Oh. Well, with Consta-Death,
you'll be dying once
every few seconds
for the rest of your life.
So I will be alive?
Not exactly.
The only treatment is
to pledge eternal devotion
to my proprietary genetic hybrid
of Hinduism and cheese.
It's medicinal
reincarnation therapy.
I'm lactose intolerant.
It doesn't matter. Just pledge
eternal devotion to it -- quick!
Okay, okay! How?
Sign here. Hurry!
Chim, chim!
Chop-chop! Now!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays ]
[ Ding! ]
Uh...wow.
Uh, uh...
[ Buzzer, harp plays ]
[ Ding! ]
Well, your new faith
is up and running.
How do you feel?
It feels a little weird, but --
[ Buzzer, harp plays ]
[ Ding! ]
It beats being white.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sproing! ]
[ Applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Ting! ]
Hey, hon.
Hey. How was your day?
The van needs oil.
Oh, and the doc says I have
this thing called Consta-Death.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Uh-huh. What are you
thinking for dinner?
You know what sounds good,
is just a plate of birdseed.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Actually, scratch that.
I think I'll just have
some eucalyptus leaves.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Or you know what?
I'm really craving
a deer carcass tonight.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Whoa, bear!
Hold your horses now.
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Hey, leave me out of this.
You know
what I'm talking about?
[ Tink! ]
Bears don't eat deers, liar!
What's going on here?
I want to speak
to my real husband -- now!
Where is he?!
[ Sobs ]
[ Voice breaking ] I don't
think I can bring him back.
[ Crying ]
[ Audience groans ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Ding! ]
[ Audience "awws" ]
But I'll try.
Hnnnnnnnnn!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Ding! Ding! Ding! ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Honey!
Oh, I missed you.
How have you been?
I'm good, I'm good.
How have...
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Hnnnnnn!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Ding! Ding! Ding! ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
[ Choir vocalizing ]
...you been lately?
Oh, I'm pretty good.
And you?
[ Sighs ]
You know me -- same ol'...
[ Buzzer ]
Hnnn!
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
[ Buzzer, ding! ding! ding! ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
...same ol'.
Oh,
and how about yourself?
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Hnnn!
Though only together
3 seconds per year,
the Lawsons were like
any other couple.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Listen, we need
to have a difficult...
[ Buzzer ]
Hnnn!
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
...talk.
I think that we should
start seeing other...
[ Buzzer ]
Hnnn!
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
...people.
Y-You're breaking up
with me?
[ Buzzer ]
Hnnn!
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Yes.
I met someone.
How? Who is it?
Would you like to meet her?
I'll get her right now.
Hnnn!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
[ Buzzer, ding! Ding! Ding! ]
You stay away from my man!
Wait.
It's not what you think.
I was just using your husband
to get to you.
I need you to sign this --
quick!
What?
-What is this?
-No time to think.
Sign now or die!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
Oh, Mary, my dearest.
There you are.
Why do you toy with me
like this?
Announcer: Maintaining
long-term relationships
can be difficult work.
One way to keep the romance
alive in marriage
is to unite against
a common enemy.
Sam and Iris Beekoh found
that a shared disappointment
in their son, Benny,
brought them closer together.
So they vowed to stay ashamed
of the kid
for the sake of the marriage.
They struggled valiantly
to degrade
and remain let down by him.
Their love fed on his misery.
And for every atom of agony
they caused the boy,
they were rewarded
with 10 pounds of passion.
The very face of his home
seemed to stare
with a chilling indifference
to Benny.
Or was it hitting on him?
[ Tink! ]
For their fifth anniversary,
Sam gave his wife
a special gift.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, Sam!
You shouldn't have.
In that moment,
Benny realized his pain
had something important
to say.
Something vital to our nation.
Mama?
Our sores
are sources of wisdom.
Mama!
Which won't be silenced
by any man.
Mama! Mama!
Benny told the wound he was
not technically its mother.
But maternal instincts
kick hard,
and he found himself
breastfeeding the little fellow.
Pain's palate matures quickly.
Baba wan chili.
Gimmee chili.
Chili!
It is often
the neglected children
who are most willing to go the
extra mile for their own young.
[ Burps ] Aah.
[ Panting ] Aah!
Waaaah!
[ Siren wailing ]
Chili too hot!
Wow!
Baba need wawa!
[ Gulping ]
[ Pounding on door ]
Officer:
Chili police! Open up!
You have 30 seconds,
or we'll do this!
[ Gun cocks ]
[ Machine-gun fire ]
♪♪
Mmm.
[ Snorts, grunts ]
Mmm.
Yummy cop in my tum-tum.
Mmm!
Announcer: Some claim
that cop meat is brain food.
Ahh!
[ British accent ] Blimey,
that quite hit the spot, Eric.
But my name is Benny.
You can't fool me, Eric.
You see,
I am no ordinary wound.
For I am British.
I think I'm going crazy.
Nonsense. I would contend
that you are...
going sane.
Rawr!
[ Glass shatters, guitar plays ]
And now that you have
raised me proper,
I hereby agree to be
your Spirit Guide.
But I don't want
a spirit guide.
Excellent! That is the first
step in your soul journey.
Step 2 -- magic trick.
Now, choose a number
between 1 and 13,
but not 2 or 4.
Now double it, add 16,
multiply by 3,
and subtract half.
Now, what was
your original number?
I never chose a number.
And this is just
as I have foreseen.
So. Do you
feel maturated now?
I guess.
Announcer:
When their healing work is done,
our wounds begin
to heal themselves.
[ Straining ]
[ Weakly ]
You've got to help me!
I'm dying!
No,
it's just you're healing.
What do you think happens
to me when I'm all healed?
I'm dead, gone!
You've got to cut me.
[ Thinking ] Please don't
make me do this to me.
You want me to die?
Are you a murderer?
Cut me, murderer!
Okay, okay.
Aah!
What the bloody hell
are you doing?!
You told me to cut you.
I did no such thing!
[ Crying ]
This means
you're the one dying.
You better sign
the contract quick.
[ Clock ticking ]
Free me.
Announcer: At that moment,
Benny became a man in his pants.
He knew what to do.
[ Screeches ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Tink! ]
[ Harp plays, ding! ]
He passed the test
and found the love
his home had long withheld.
Free me.
Push. Push.
Push! Push!
Push! Push! Push!!
"You are the father
I never had"...
Benny thought to himself
about himself.
♪♪
And that is how one boy
discovered where wounds go
when they heal.
♪ "Oh, Father, oh, Father ♪
♪ Don't lay the blame on me ♪
♪ 'Twas the false nurse
and Lankin ♪
♪ That killed your lady" ♪
♪ So Lankin was hung ♪
♪ On the gibbet so high ♪
♪ And the false nurse was burned
in a fire close by ♪
♪♪