The Saint (1962–1969): Season 3, Episode 23 - The Happy Suicide - full transcript

Television host Ziggy Zaglan has a jovial public image but is really a very unpleasant man who owes his success to the clever writing skills of his adopted brother, Paul. Paul is visited by James McCleary, a man who claims that Ziggy was responsible for his sister's death by drowning, and the next morning Paul is found dead by hanging. The assumption is that he killed himself but the Saint is not convinced and sets out to find the murderer.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Well, that winds up the Ziggy Zaglan Show

for this week, friends.

You've been a wonderful audience, you really have.

And in all humility, I'm hoping you'll wanna be

with me again next week.

So until then, I say, goodbye, au revior

and God bless you all.

You ever what it's like to be the cursed,

cursed idol of 75 million viewers?

Ziggy Zaglan should be able to tell you.

That wasn't a stool he was sitting on.

It's a pedestal, 1,000 foot in hight.

It's a long, long way to fall for Ziggy.

And sooner or later he probably will.

Excuse me.

Hello, I'm Ralph Damien, Ziggy's producer.

Come in.

I've just been watching the show.

Yes, isn't Ziggy sensational?


Well, you thought about it?

Yes, and the answer is no.


Nobody turns down a guest spot on the Ziggy Zaglan Show.

I just did.

I'm afraid I gave up the song and dance

routine a long time ago.

What do you mean, routine?

We want you on the show just as you are.

One and only, unique, unbeatable, famous Simon Templar.

After 200 shows, you'd think someone,

sometime would get something right.

Ah, Ziggy, the show was great, great.

The jerk who hands me the hat, you get him in here.

Darling, nobody noticed.

Get him in here, he could have ruined the act.

He didn't, nobody noticed.

Now will you calm down?

Sit down, have a drink, relax.

I've got the press outside.

Press? Look, I've just done a show.

What's the matter with you?

Texas Mother of the Year, remember?

What am I supposed to do, kiss her hand?

Ah, come on, Ziggy, it's only five minutes.

For the Texas Mother of the Year, two minutes,

you understand, that's all.

Okay, but smile.

Okay boys, you can come in now.

Well you couldn't possibly be anybody's mother.

You're to young.

Mrs. Anderson, Ziggy's just been dying to meet you.

Oh, Mr. Zaglan.

You must have very, very lucky children.

Why, thank you.

You know, the love of a mother is the most

precious thing in the world.

I know, I had a wonderful mother.

What do you mean, had?

Yes, had, she died last month.

Oh, how awful.

Um, Ziggy, could you put your arm

around Mrs. Anderson, please?


Okay, boys, that's it.

Ziggy's just done a show.

Oh, it's all so exciting.

One more.

Hold it.

But I could never stand to be

in the limelight all the time.

Well, it's a harsh life, Mrs. Anderson

and you must never blink.

There we are.

Oh, sorry, Ziggy.

No, no, no, no, come right in.

This is my agent, Ted Coblin.

How do you do?

I just don't know what I'd do without him.

My right arm.

This here's Rudy, come on, Rudy.

He's key man behind the scenes.

We generally go over the routines after the show.

I'm sorry about the hats, Mr. Zaglan,

but as I explained to Mr. Coblin.

You think nothing of it, boy.

We all make mistakes.

I do more than most people.

Alright, that's it boys.

Ah, well.

Could I have a signed photograph?

Well certainly, it's right there.

It's all here, Mrs. Anderson.

Thanks a lot for coming around here.

Thanks very much, Zig.

Fine, great!

Thank you.

Oh, how can I ever thank you enough, Ziggy?

Oh, I just loved meeting you, Mrs. Anderson.

I really did.

Oh, you're welcome.

Stupid old cow.

In and out in a minute 40 flat.

About the hat, Ziggy.

Rudy wasn't told the brim should be turned down.

You're fired.

Look, Mr. Zaglan, it wasn't my fault.

Fired, finished, end of titles, get out.

That'll teach him.

Ziggy, why don't you let Ralph do your firing for you?

Yeah, let him take the rap at the union.

He's the producer.

It's my show and I call the shots.

Who comes and who goes and that includes you too, Coblin.

Sure, Ziggy, I was just tryin' to help.

Well, don't schmooze me, boy.

We are in one of our sunniest moods today.

And that goes for you too, Lois, twice.

Twice, I'm honored.

Oh, who died?

Well, that was quick.

Did you clinch the deal with Templar?


Why? He turned you down?


Well, did ya tell him what it pays?

Sure, he didn't bat an eyelid.

What, The Saint turns down $5,000 for three minutes work?

That's right.

Well, not on my show, he doesn't.

Now, you get back there, Damien.

You give him a real sales pitch.

Look, it's no use.

He's not interested.

I want him, you get him.

Don't you think Mr. Templar might find me more convincing?

He's all yours.

You just remember one thing.


You get Templar on my show next week

or don't come in tomorrow.

Now Ziggy, be reasonable.

I don't have to be reasonable.

And you know why?

I'm the star.

The Ziggy Zaglan Show is me, all alone, me.

The rest of you are a bunch of hangers on.

Replaceable as a pair of shoes, now get out.


Good evening.

It hasn't been until now.

I have a feeling you must be in the wrong room.


You're collecting for the Salvation Army?

No, I'm Texas Mother of the Year.

That's a happy thought.

Adopt me.

Thank you.

Here's to your new and happy childhood.


It should be at ten bucks a bottle.

Alright, why?

Well, to be perfectly honest.

Now let's not spoil things.

I want something.

Haymate or playmate?


A husband, perhaps?

Doesn't every single girl?

Alright, now we've established one thing.

You're unmarried.

Who are you, Miss uh-

Lois Norroy.

I work for Ziggy Zaglan.

That's your problem, I'm afraid.

I gather you don't like him.

I don't know him.

But you know his show.

Yes, I saw it tonight.

I had an hour to kill.

And I'll say he was very successful in murdering it.

Well, he wants you to be the guest on his next show.

Such hospitality.

I've been sent as a sort of emissary to change you from

a rat fink into a mouse fink, sort of lower your resistance.

I'm forced to admit, things are improving.

You're far more attractive than

the last emissary, Mr. Damien.

Any calls?

No, Mr. Zaglan.

Hey, do I hear typing?

Yes sir, Mr. Paul's typing in the study.


Thanks, Joe.

Help yourselves to a drink.

Thanks, Ziggy.

Same for me, dry.

Paul, what are you doing here?

The rewrites for next week's show.

I wanted to get it finished tonight.

Ah, the only loyal guy in the outfit, my brother.

Let's not get to fraternal, huh?

Something bugging you?

I never felt happier in my life.

I'm quitting.

You're what?

I am quitting, Ziggy.

This is my last script.

You're not serious?

Oh, I was never more serious in my life.

Paul, listen, you promised Mother you'd stick by me.

You leave Mother out of this.

You're not talking to the great American public now.

She died thinking that her boy was God's gift

to this country, okay.

Well, she's gone now and I can get you off my back.

Paul, Paul, Paul, wait.

What's the matter?

Nothing, at least not with me.

I've just written my last script for the Ziggy Zaglan Show.

I'm quitting.

You're kiddin'.

What're you talkin' about?

Well, what's the matter with you all of a sudden?

You want me to lay it on the line?

Okay, I will.

I've had you, Ziggy, right to here.

You're a big, phony, no talent, foul-mouthed lump of lard.

You can't do this, Paul.

Who's to stop me?

I'll stop ya.

You? Haven't got the guts.

You're a poor, frightened slob my brother kicks around.

He wipes his feet all over you, and what do you do?

You lick the laces.

You walk out on me and I'll fix it

you never work in this business again.

I'm sorry, brother dear, I've just signed

to write three pictures for $30,000 each.

I'm flying to the coast tomorrow.

Good night, gentlemen.

We'll sue ya.

For what?

Breach of contract.

I'd advise against it.

I'll bet you would.

Don't take my advice, ask Ziggy.

We can have you for every penny you've got.

Go ahead.

I'll put that in the book too.


What book?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

I'm going to write a book.

My Life With Ziggy, From A to Z.

I've talked it over with the publisher.

It's already been accepted.

Ah, wait a minute, Paul.

It's all there, Ralph.

And I mean all.

Well, cheer up, friends, it's not the end of the world.

Come on, smile, like me.

I'm the happiest guy in town.

Ralph, this book, what does he mean?

I'm not quite sure.

He knows about Arlene McCleery.

Yes, I know.

This could crucify ya.

Ralph, Ted, stop him.

We'll stop him.

One dead man.

Paul and Ziggy are only legally brothers.

Paul was adopted and then the parents found out

they could have a child of their own.


Yeah, Paul's always looked after him.

He promised the mother he would.

It's his way of paying her back for taking him out

of an orphanage and giving him a real home.

Paul sounds like a nice guy.

He is a real nice guy.

Lois, will Ziggy really fire you

if I don't agree to appear on the show?


Well, I can hardly see you unemployed, can I?

You mean you'll do it?

Well, let's say I'll talk to Ziggy.

Oh, you're marvelous.


Well, do you think you could meet me tomorrow

at Paul's, say, around 10:00?

He lives on Long Island.

We can discuss the script and then you could meet Ziggy.

He lives just down the road from Paul.

Lois, I left Ziggy's in rather a hurry tonight

and I forgot to ask him whether he got

The Saint for the guest spot next week.

The sketch is written anyway

so if you find any trouble with.

You're Paul Zaglan.

That's right.

Who are you, what do you want?

Can I have a drink?

Sure, help yourself.

I'm so cold.

Don't you think you'd better tell me

what this is all about?

I'm Arlene McCleery's brother.

Oh, I see.

Artist, genius,

designer of book jackets

and you don't see, at all.

It was a terrible tragedy.

She was only 18, Mr. Zaglan.

I brought her up.

She was like a, like a, well you describe her.

You're a writer.

She was lovely.

Good, and you and your rotten brother murdered her.

That's not true.

Maybe legally, but morally

that TV crowd of yours killed her.

He hypnotized her.

Your corny glamour, your money.

Mr. McCleery, I know how you feel.

You're gonna write a book about it, aren't ya?

I heard about it from a publisher friend of mine.

You're gonna drag Arlene's name through the mud, aren't you?



On my word of honor, Arlene's name won't be mentioned.

I know.

Because I'm going to kill you.

Paul, you home?


It's Paul.

What about him?

He's dead.


On the terrace.

He's hanged himself.

He's down.

I just can't believe it.

I can't understand it, why?

How long ago did you find him?

Just a few seconds before you arrived.

I work for both of them, Paul and Ziggy.

Oh, this will shatter Ziggy.

He'll collapse.

How far away is he?

Just a few minutes down the road.

Come on.

You'd better go an tell Ziggy.

I'll call the police.

Don't you think you'd better tell me

what this is all about?

I'm Arlene McCleery's brother.

Oh, I see.

Operator, police department, quickly.

Lois, I left Ziggy's in rather a hurry tonight.

I forgot to ask him whether he got The Saint.

Lois, please tell me it's not true.

I'm sorry, Ziggy.

But why?

Why did he do it?

I don't know.

He had everything to live for.

The scandal, I can just see the headlines now.

Ziggy Zaglan's brother, a suicide.

Very embarrassing.

Hanging, it's so grotesque.

If it was a gun or something, we could make it

look like an accident.

Oh, you'd better call Coblin and Damien in town.

Tell 'em to get over here right away.

We've got to think of something to tell the press.

Okay, I'll call them.

Who's over at Paul's now?

Simon Templar, he's called the police.

They'll wanna talk to you.

I don't wanna go over there.

Just can't stand the sight of death.

Captain Williams, all I did was take the body down.

You had no right to touch him.

I know you by reputation, Mr. Templar.

You love headlines.

Cheer up, Captain, you'll get your name

in the small print.

It all seems pretty straightforward.

Death was due to hanging.

Any other injuries?

I'll ask the questions, Templar.

Of course.

Were there any other injuries?

Bruise on the jaw.

You mean somebody hit 'im.

I don't think so.

More likely due to rope abrasion.

How about the time of death?

Well, I'd estimate it between midnight, 1:00 a.m.

Well, write up your report, let me have it.

Ah, doctor, is there any chance that

he was throttled first and then strung up there?

Not unless he was garotted with the same rope.

Death was definitely due to strangulation.

His neck wasn't broken?


What are you getting at?

Nothing at all, just asking a few innocent questions.

Have you any reason at all to think

Paul Zaglan was murdered?


He tied a rope around his neck and jumped off a ladder.

Suicide by hanging.

You're clairvoyant.

Thanks, Dr. Kent.

Now listen here, Templar, I've heard about the way you act.

You wanna be in Ziggy Zaglan's show, fine.

Stand on your head, do tricks, whatever you like.

But don't try to build up an obvious suicide into

a murder mystery just for some cheap personal publicity.

Captain, you cut me to the quick.

Shall I introduce you, or would you care

to find out their names by clever deduction?

Who are you?

I'm Ted Coblin, this is Lois Norroy and Ralph Damien.

We worked with Paul on Ziggy's show.

Well, my name is Williams.

Captain of detectives.

I'd like to talk to you one at a time.

You first, the rest of you, out.

Oh, by the way.

Including you, out.

Certainly, Captain of detectives,

I only wanted to warn you.

Anybody ever hear of Arlene McCleery's brother?


Arlene McCleery's brother.

What are you talking about?

Maybe nothing.


How 'bout you, Coblin?

No, ah, never, why?

I just wondered.

Tell me more about Paul.

I knew he was a writer, what else?

Well, he was a do it yourself fiend.

Oh yeah, he used to build his own furniture, you know.

Paneled his study.


He was better than most professional carpenters.

He made that.

Yeah, it wasn't until it was finished, he realized

how much it looked like an old-fashioned gallows.

A careful, precise worker in other words.


Was he depressed?

No, quite the reverse.


Well, he just signed to do three films.

You knew he was quitting?

Yeah, he told me yesterday morning.

He didn't want to tell Ziggy because he didn't wanna

upset him on the day of the show.

So he was happy.

He was delighted.

Did he own a boat?

No, but he often sailed Ziggy's.

Oh, where does Ziggy keep his rope?

Just down the road in the yacht basin.

What's the name of it?

The ZigZag.

I'll go down and take a look at it.

Are you looking for something?

As a matter of fact, I am.

The other end of this?

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

All I know is I've lost a top writer.

I'm a bit short of ideas for the show.

You're looking for ideas here?

We all went out sailing a couple of weeks ago.

Paul made a lot of notes that were left on board.

How long have you produced the show?

Since it started, ahhh. You enjoy it?

No, I hate it.

Meaning you hate Ziggy.

From head to toe, every revolting inch.


Because he lacks every imaginable asset

of looks, wit, charm and talent.

He's a freak, a freak that hits the public

once in a generation like an epidemic.

The viewers don't think so.

Yeah, well the viewers don't see him off camera.

He's made my life a living hell for eight long years.

Why don't you quit?

You know, I don't really have to answer that question.

But, I pick up $3,000 every Friday.

I'm not going to speculate on Paul's reasons

for doing what he did.

I sit on the stool here.

Let the people who don't really care have a field day

with their guesses and gossip.

An artist's private life should be his own.

And after he delivers his script or walks off the stage,

the world show let him alone.

Why don't you choke up here so you can't go on.

Alright, alright, alright.

The world should let him alone.

Paul's life was his own.

If he chose to finish the script where he did,

we have no right to ask why.

Not bad.

I'm in tears myself.


Very funny, Ziggy.

Good to see ya.

Say, have a drink.

Bourbon and water.

The first one, you're a guest.

After that, it's every man for himself.

Ah, nice to have you aboard.

Thank you.

I suppose you're a bit shocked, eh, Templar?

Should I be?

No, no.

Ziggy's comment's on Paul's death have to be

rehearsed like anything else in the show.

Well, there's always room for the last minute

script revisions, I hope?

Well, what do you mean?

To put in the name of Paul's killer.

Whaddya mean?

Hey wait a minute. Shut up!

You mind explaining that remark?

Quite simply, Captain Williams says it's suicide,

I say it's murder.


Have you anyone in mind?

Yes, you three for example.

He's manic.


Paul was killed between midnight and one.

Where were you?

Well, I don't know that I should tell you, but I will.

I worked in the study till about 1:30,

typing most of the time.

Well, Joe heard me, didn't you?

Yes, sir.

And I went to bed.

How 'bout you, Damien?

Oh, Coblin and I left here at 11:10 sharp.

You're very specific.

I wanted to catch Annie Ross

at the Caribbean on 53rd street.

She's on at 12:15.

Oh, so you were both in New York around midnight.

That's right. Yep.

How was she?

Annie? Fabulous.

We want her on the show.

And now if you're through with this nonsense,

Mr. Templar, I have some work to do.



You to, Lois.

I'll be at Paul's house if you want me.

Get lost, Joe.

Joe, I think what he means is,

would you be kind enough to excuse us.

Oh, I know what he means, Mr. Templar.

You're stirring up a lot of trouble for us.

It's my nature.

Have you really got anything to go on?

Quite a lot.

Such as?

I gather that Paul was as happy as a lark last night.

He was through with a job he hated.

After years with Ziggy, he was finally beginning to live.

Oh, you mean, no motive.

Or, not for suicide.

Unfortunately for Paul, he was writing a book.

Who told you that?

An expose on Ziggy.

The whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Now, of course, he won't be finishing the book.

Much to everybody's relief.

That was a motive for murder.

That holds for you, for Ziggy, Damien, even for Lois.

And, of course, Arlene McCleery's brother.

You have heard of him?

Yeah, I've heard of him.

You know where he lives?

I think he's in, ah, Europe.

You think.

Listen Templar, Ziggy's a big investment for me.

As his agent I get 10% of his gross income.

Last year he made over $1,000,000.

Don't you people think of anything else but money?

We've had everything else.

Now look, we're paying you $5,000

for the guest spot next weekend.

Oh, I haven't agreed to do it yet.

Suppose I made it, ah, $20,000?

Provided you leave well enough alone.

Please don't stand to close to me, Coblin,

I have a delicate stomach.

I wouldn't do that.

Mr. Templar.

897 East 86th Street?

Arlene McCreey's brother.

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's no good.

Yeah, if Paul were here he'd think of something.

Look, Ziggy, all I'm saying is I don't like a sketch

that burlesques a minister.

Okay, you think of something.

You're supposed to be the producer.

Hey, what if we-


No, we couldn't do that either.

Thank you.

Ziggy, why don't we take a break?

Because we've got a show to do.

Because I'm the one that has to stand up

in front of all the cameras and, all right.

Yeah, come on.

Let's go down to Cranmore and have a drink.

Yeah, the air'll do us good.

Not you, baby.

While we're gone you transcribe this.

We'll be back in an hour.

God, what I do to amuse the American public.

The sacrifices, the strain.

You're a strong man, Ziggy, as well as a genius.

I know, but it's a terribly lonely life.

It's a lovely life and Templar's not going to spoil it.

Simon, I've found something.

Yeah, and I may have too.

This could strangle a man very easily.

But I thought it was a rope?

Paul was hanged by a rope.

Whether it killed him or not, we don't know.

Now what have you found?

Play it and see.

I know Ziggy's ruthless and cruel.

He'd do anything to stay on top, but I just can't believe

he'd do anything to hurt Paul ever.

Where'd you get this?

On Ziggy's desk.

A typewriter recorded.

So to all intents and purposes, he could have been

sitting in his study typing, nipped over here,

killed Paul, nipped back again, say in 15 minutes,

and Joe would swear he never left the house.

Yeah, but why?

Paul was writing a book about Ziggy.

A biography?

No, an expose.

The seamy side of Ziggy's life.

I don't believe it.

Why not?

Paul never had much use for Ziggy

but he'd never deliberately hurt him.

You still haven't heard of Arlene McCleery?

No, you keep on mentioning her name

but I've never heard of her.

Who is she?

She's dead.

Yeah, but how does she tie up with Ziggy?

We're going to drive to New York and find out.

I'm gonna drop you off at the Caribbean Club.

I want you to find out what time Annie Ross did her show

last night and whether Damien and Coblin were really there.

Then meet me at my hotel at 6:00.

Okay, what are you gonna do?

Check up on the illusive Arlene McCleery's brother.

Who are you?

Simon Templar.

How'd you get in?

The door was open.

Now it's closed.

What do you want?

The truth.

About your sister and Paul Zaglan's murder.

I had nothin' to do with it.

You saw Paul last night.



To beg.

For what?


For your sister?

You know about the book.


No thanks.

She was just a kid, not even 18.

I brought her up.

She was very beautiful.

She was an innocent, you know what I mean?

She was studying singin', opera.

We needed cash and she did a commercial

on the Ziggy Zaglan Show.

Ziggy spotted her and that was it.

What happened?

Total corruption.

Moral, physical, mental.

The money, the high living, the phony glamour,

the constant drinking.

Ziggy dazzled her and she became his mistress.

One night he threw a party on a beach and the next morning

Arlene was found lying in the sand, face down.


Oh, sure she was drowned.

I mean, that was the official verdict.

What's yours?

Arlene could swim like a dolphin.

It was her one sport.

She won cups.

But I accepted it.

Put the rotten part out of my mind,

till I heard about Paul's book.

You were afraid of a scandal?

I was afraid that Paul would tell the world

what she was really like.

Cheap, degraded, promiscuous.

What happened last night?

I asked him to leave her out of the book.


He promised me her name wouldn't be mentioned.

He did?

Yeah, I didn't believe him.

I had a bit to drink, I hit 'im, he fell down.

There was a car in the driveway, I panicked, I guess.

Ran out, came back here.

I didn't kill 'im.

I didn't kill him, I swear it.

I'm a police officer.

Are you James Randall McCleery?


I'd like to ask you a few questions.

My, Mr. Templar, but you get around, don't you.

I try.

What are you doing here?

I'm visiting a friend.

I'm surprised you have any.

Well, life's full of surprises, isn't it?

Mr. McCleery, were you out on Long Island last night?


Did you visit Paul Zaglan between midnight and 1:00 a.m.?

You don't have to answer those questions.

Keep quiet.

Or hand him his case on a platter.

It's pretty obvious, isn't it?

It's a setup.

They were listening outside.

You tipped them off.

Mr Templar had nothing to do with my being here.

As a matter of interest, Captain Williams, who did?

That's my business.

And you intend to mind it.

You do the same with yours, Templar,

or you'll be put someplace where you can't interfere.

Mr. McCleery, you're under arrest.

I didn't kill him, I swear it.

I know you didn't.

And I'm gonna prove it.

Shame about Paul, Lois.

What made him do it?

We don't know.

That's life I guess.

Jack, were Ralph Damien and Ted Coblin here last night?

Why sure, baby.

I had a drink with them.

What time?

Oh, from 12:15 to well after 2:00.

Excuse me, yes.

He's still crying about using these tinned anchovies.

Can you come down and sort it out?

All right, I'll come down.

Sorry baby, chef trouble.

No worse than opera singers.

I'll be right back.

Take your time.


Hello, Annie.

Oh darling, how are you?

It's been ages.

Listen, I understand that uh, Ted Coblin

and Ralph Damien were in last night.

Well, didn't you see them?

No, darling, I didn't go on.

What do you mean?

Oh, I felt vile last night.

You know, oysters.

You mean you weren't on, no show?

Darling, without me, how could there be a show?

You mean she just walked out without saying anything?

Ah, yes sir.

Well, did you see her leave?

Ah, no sir, I was in the kitchen.

Well where the devil would she go?

It's not like Lois to just walk out.

Well, she's not a Paul's.


But the study's been searched.

Oh no.

Oh yes.

Drawers are out of the desk,

tapes strewn all over the place.

What're we gonna do?

What do you think?


It's Lois.

I'm sorry if you've been worried, but something came up.

I'm on my way back now.

Tell him I know who killed Paul.

Simon Templar says he knows who killed Paul.

Yeah, he's with me now.

We're both leaving right away.

But who, Lois, who?

Alright, but hurry.

She says that Templar knows who killed Paul.


He won't tell her.

Where are they now?

They're leaving New York right now.

I don't want to know.

I don't want to know any unpleasantness.

Yeah, except when you make it.

Well, it's your job to protect me, both of you.

I've got to be sheltered otherwise I can't work.

We'll protect you Ziggy.

If we don't, what've we got left?

You all right?

Yeah, what happened?

A reception committee.

Lois, do you recognize the car?

Yeah, it looks like Ziggy's car.

I wonder if Ziggy's driving it.

How far is the house?

About a quarter of a mile from here.

Come on, let's start walking.

Still hot.

That's luck, the keys are in there.

You drive and tell Captain Williams to get here

as fast as he can.


This dance routine is to long.

It's to long!

I don't like it anyway.

We'll have to cut it.

What the devil are you doing here?

Where's Lois?

Oh, she's resigned.


Don't worry, Ziggy, where you're going

you won't need a Girl Friday.

You know what this is?

It's one hour of typewriter music.

Your alibi blown wide open.

Damien, Coblin.

Theirs too.

What's the matter with him?

He's nuts.

Name one song that Annie Ross sang last night, just one.

Ah, I can't remember.

We were a bit high.

They weren't there.

Call the manager up and ask him.

Oh, they've already set that up.

But Annie Ross didn't go on last night.

She was ill.

Is this true?

Why don't you call up Annie and ask her?

Why are you lying?

Because one of them killed Paul.

This is getting delightfully libelous.

Then sue me.

What's he talking about?

Were you at the Caribbean last night or not?

Look, he's makin' this up outa nothin'.

I'll tell you one more thing about your brother, Ziggy.

He was a very neat person, he liked everything just right.

Now he must have become awfully clumsy at the last moment

if he couldn't think of a better way of killing himself

than to step off the bottom rung of a ladder

and choke slowly and miserably to death.

Now if he had lept from the top, he'd have done it fast.

A quick, clean broken neck.

Ziggy, this is crazy.

Paul's larynx was ruptured.

I spoke to the medical examiner.

They've performed an autopsy this morning.

Paul died of strangulation, choked by hand.

Which one of you was it?

Don't be crazy, Ziggy.

Paul had to be silenced.

He was gonna write the truth about Arlene McCleery.

I've been against that right from the beginning was I.

You're to private.

Shut up.

That's just what he wants.

You did it.

But it was your party.

And your boat.

But you did it, you threw her overboard.


She was drunk.

She fell down the stairs.

When we got to her she was dead.

Oh, it was a pretty wild party.

To avoid a scandal, they took the body out

in a boat to make it look like drowning.

Say, you are discertified.

Look, you're in this as much as we are.

Well, you two killed Paul.


McCleery was with Paul last night,

begging him not to write the book.

Paul said no, so McCleery hit him.

Knocked him out.

And someone else came over, strangled Paul

and strung him up on his own gallows.

This is idiocy, McCleery's been arrested.

How did you know?

It only happened an hour ago.

Answer him, how did you know?

Because you tipped off the police.

Next question, how did you know McCleery

was there at all last night?

I don't have to answer your stupid questions.

Of course you don't.

So I'll answer them for you.

You were there, you saw McCleery,

you saw him hit Paul and then leave.

You went in, found Paul unconscious

so you strangled him with curtain cord.

Then you went down to Ziggy's boat to get some rope.

You did it.

Yes, for you.

To protect the goose that lays the golden eggs.

We were making a fortune, all of us.

You two had to spoil it, you stupid gutless little jerks.

Alright, Coblin, get him up on his feet.

Captain Williams wants a word with the pair of you.

I shut my eyes to things.

I didn't want details.

Just to be protected like a butterfly in a cocoon.

I'm gonna change.

From now on, sweetness to everybody.

Ah, ah, ah.

Five minutes, Mr. Zaglan.

Now you listen here, Junior.

You hand me those hats on cue or I'll cut your head off

and send it home to your mother, you understand?

Yes sir.

Get going.

Now ladies and gentlemen,


The man you've all been waiting for, Ziggy Zaglan.

Where is that thing, anyway?

Ah, it's better that way.

Ironic, isn't it?

Paul wasn't even gonna mention Arlene McCleery in his book.

What about that typewriter tape on Ziggy's desk?

Oh, Damien planted that to cast suspicion on Ziggy,

should the occasion arise.

Simon, you were convinced that Paul was

murdered from the start.

What made you so sure?

Oh, he was walking on cloud nine.

He was thrilled and happy.

There's one thing I know about human nature, Lois.

It's that there is no such thing as a happy suicide.