The Ricky Gervais Show (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Diary - full transcript

For the past few years
ricky gervais,

Stephen merchant,
and karl pilkington

Have been meeting
regularly

For a series
of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

Hello and welcome
to "the ricky gervais show"

With me, ricky gervais,
stephen merchant...

- Hello.
- ...And the little
round-headed buffoon

That is karl pilkington.

Hi.



Karl's been
on holiday again,
hasn't he?

Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, 'cause you don't
do anything.

You have weekends off.

You take at least
five or six weeks
holiday a year

Even though
you haven't got a job now--

You're meant
to be doing this--

- And you still go on holiday.
- So your whole life's
a holiday, basically.

Yeah, why did
you need a holiday?

Do you putter around?

Your big day last week was
going to the cobbler's.

So why did you need
a break so much this week?

It's just good
for your brain
and that, isn't it?

It opens it up a bit.

You're not
evidence for that.



Where did you go?

- Gran canaria.
- For a week?

- Yeah.
- Just sitting around?

Um, well, there isn't
much else to do
at gran canaria.

I don't wanna go
slagging a place off,

Because every time I seem
to talk about somewhere

I get
into trouble for it...

- Ricky: Right.
- ...But it's just
a big rock.

It's just volcanic,
ist it?

And you must've
looked like a little
barnacle on that.

Have you
been there before?

Been near it before,
to another rock,

- But it was just--
- stephen: Why'd you go back?

Because you think,
"well, they can't have
loads of these islands

That are the same--
just a big rock with
hotels on it.

- They can't get away with it."
- stephen: They obviously are
getting away with it.

Why do you keep going
to these places
that are rocks?

Why don't you
investigate first?
Ask your travel agent

- "is this a giant rock?"
- because that's what
you do, innit?

You go
and find out yourself.

When armstrong went
to the moon,

What was
he expecting up there?

That's fact
that that's a big rock

And he still went
all that way.

I don't know what
the point was.

No, so what
I'm saying is--

What did you make
of this place?

Did you enjoy gran canaria?
It was just a big rock but--

- I bet the moon
was better.
- Really?

what did you do?

It was just--
it was a big hotel--

Big, massive place where
there's loads of people

- And you go for your dinner.
- That describes a hotel.

- Yeah, sounds
like a hotel to me.
- You've nailed that.

I've been to a few.
That's sounds like it.

Do you know what I mean?
It's the nice,

Small ones where there's
just enough people,

But this is,
like, mental.

And it was all--
it was full of old people.

- Stephen: Really?
- Karl: That's probably why
it's called gran canaria,

- 'cause it's just old people.
- Stephen: Grannies everywhere?

Yeah, all right.
But what I thought
I'd start doing

Is start a diary.

Okay. Why?

Just 'cause
I had a bit of time
on my hands

And I just thought,
"write it down.

- Write stuff down."
- and do you hope that
this one day will become

One of the great
literary documents
like samuel pepys' diary?

I haven't heard of that.
Is it any good?

you never heard
of samuel pepys' diary?

- No, the--
- the most famous diary
other than anne frank's?

I've heard
of anne frank's,

And I thought,
"if she's stuck in a loft,

Knocking stuff up--
not much going on in
her life at that point,

Yet she was
still writing it down."

Yeah, whereas you've
been to gran canaria.

I'm on holiday,
so I thought, "there is
stuff going on

That I can chat about.
Start a diary."

- Sure.
- You started a diary?

- Yeah.
- And what are
you gonna do?

Did you keep it up
every day?

- Yeah, just--
- oh, can I read it, please?

Well, the diary's meant
to be something--

Please, can I read
some out on this podcast?

I-- karl.

Some of it is only
relevant to me, so--

Oh, this is--
please, give me it.

- Oh my god.
- I mean, this isn't--
I haven't--

Look how big it is!

- It's one
of those desk diaries.
- It's huge.

It's about
a foot long and it's--
oh, that is amazing.

Imagine if anne frank's
had been like that.

As she got it out...

...Everyone would've heard it
clank down on the desk.

Yeah, but my writing's
quite big, isn't it?

Oh, look. Give us that.

Do you know about
joined-up writing?
Have you heard about that?

- This is amazing.
- Sometimes you can't read it,
so it's best to--

Okay. Oh.
Oh, look. Oh my god.

It starts on the first day.
This is wonderful.

"going on holiday
to gran canaria today.

Woke up to the news
that tony banks had died.

There was a piece
on the news about

How everyone was shocked.
Got me thinking

About an invention
that would be good."

Right. "a watch that
counted down your life.

If it says you've got
three days left,

Go to the doctor's."

yeah, like that.

"told suzanne
about invention.

She said
she wouldn't buy one,

But she said that
about the ipod."

How-- and how would
this device work, this watch?

How would you know
when you're about to die?

Is that a lot for
you to worry about?
Presumably the boffins--

No, all I was thinking is
that tony banks fella--

He died and everyone
was shocked about it.

But if you had
a little watch on--

But how does it--
you can't just say

"wouldn't it be good?"
how would this work?

Yeah, I imagine you're
in the patent office going

"I've got an idea."
"well, certainly.
What's your idea?"

"a watch that
counts down your life."

"oh! How does
that work?"

Just wear it.
Just pop it on your wrist.

"no no, what do you mean,
'just pop it on your wrist'?

How does it work?
'just pop it on
your wrist.'"

- Brilliant. You're an idiot.
- It's interesting
that he goes on.

"the flight to gran canaria
was a bit bumpy.

I thought about the clock
that counts down
your life again

And I wondered if
it would know if you were
gonna die in a disaster."

now he's querying his own--

He's wondering
if it would know.

He's invented
this and now he--

"a fella on the plane was
reading 'koi' mag.

It was
a fishing magazine.

I glanced and noticed
he was reading the 'pond
of the month' article.

Don't think
they could make it
into a weekly magazine."

To be fair to you,
I remember seeing a y

On the train once
reading "carp monthly,"

A magazine dedicated
entirely to carp,

And it had
"carp of the month,"

I just thought,
"once you're three months in

The editor must be stressing.
'have we got anymore carp?

Have we got a carp that's
actually done anything?'"

I reckon if they use
the same one twice,

- There wouldn't
be many complaints.
- Stephen: No one would notice.

"well, that's the carp
they used two years ago."

"there was a really fat
bloke on the plane.

He was playing
on his p.S.P.

While I waited
to go to the toilet.

I looked at what game
he was playing--
it was darts.

He's that fat and lazy.

He can't even face playing
a more active game
on a games console.

Me and suzanne
got off the coach
with a couple of old people.

One of them was
in a wheelchair.

I don't think it was
wise of him to come

To a volcanic island
with a wheelchair."
-

"everywhere is pretty
rough pavement and slopey.

I guess
I'll keep an eye on it
as the week goes on.

Day two in gran canaria."

Brilliant.
We're only at day two.

"the hotel is
a bit odd.

I've never seen as many
cross-eyed people
in one location."

- That's enough, innit?
- Oh, that's amazing.

- Well, you may have to let me
read a little bit more.
- This is amazing.

- Come back to it later.
- This is a brilliant diary.

This might be
the best diary ever written.

"while I sat listening
to the kinks on my ipod,

I wonder if everybody
thinks in their accent.

I know I do." what's this?
What are you talking about?

Just-- just that.

You know,
when I sat there,
lying on the lounger,

And I was thinking
about stuff--

How do you know
you think in your accent?

- Tell me a typical thought.
- What I mean is

Say if it was like--
if I saw something,

You know how I say
"that's a bit weird, innit?"

No, but I don't have to--

When you think,

I don't think the sentence
like I'm saying it.

It's just a thought.
The thought appears--

It's conceptual
and it's already there.

It's not like I'll go,
"rick." "what?"

"just looking at that fella
over there, were you?"

"yeah, I was."
"I was thinking
that's a bit weird."

"oh, so was I."
I don't have to think out
whole sentences.

Whereas you have,
"karl. Karl. Karl.

Stop listening
to the kinks for a minute.

Look over there--
more cross-eyed people."

No, that's--
yeah, that's--

- Is that how
your mind works?
- In a way, yeah.

- Brilliant.
- That explains a lot.

That's great.
He has to think
about whole sentences.

'cause I thought
"that's weird, innit?"

I didn't think
"that's weird, isn't it?"

I thought,
"I actually think
in my accent."

And then I thought,
"does stephen hawking?

Does he--
when he's doing
his math and that--"

I don't know
where he's from,

So I don't know what
his accent would be like.

I think he's from kent,
cambridge or oxford.

- Right. So--
- so you think
he might think--

- In his voice.
In that voice-box thing.
- Stephen: Computerized voice.

I just wondered.

"had lunch inside
today due to shite weather.
Sat next to an old fella.

Old men's ears
and noses carry on
growing as they get older.

Suzanne noticed
his fingers were fat too.

Maybe they
continue to grow.

Suzanne didn't laugh
when I said her arse
had the same problem."

oh, god.

"day three.
Cloudy start to the day.

Had pine chips
in the cafe.

Had a bit
of an argument with suzanne

'cause I thought
it was daft that
we were paying for food

When we were on
an all-inclusive holiday.

Changed my mind when I saw
they sold pie though.

The cafe was
called 'tattoo's.'

The fella who owned it
didn't have any tattoos,

But we never saw
his wife."

- Oh, brilliant.
- "had a drink in a bar.

Everyone sat and watched
one of the local cats

Lick its bollocks."

It's the greatest holiday
in the world!

That's the entertainment
in that town!

"went back to the hotel
to have a sleep before tea."

I love the fact you're
talking about old people,

- But you're just as bad.
- You've done nothing so far.

He's done nothing.
He's having a kip.

"woke up to news about ducks
being badly treated.

There was
a really ugly one
with bent legs."

I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.

Why does
he write this down?

Oh, god. Oh.

"there is a fat bloke
from bolton

Who is in the pool
as I write this.

He's got a big tattoo
on his back, but I can't
work out what it is."

Dot dot dot,
"he just got out
of the pool and burped."

Just felt that you had
to keep us abreast of that?

Everything's
in the diary.

I just saw it
get to the point
where you're going

- "breathed in.
Breathed out again."
- stephen: Yeah.

"there was a big,
fat fella in the sea
who kept his t-shirt on.

If you're big and fat,
is there more a chance

Of you getting burnt
'cause there's more
of you on show?

I asked suzanne
and she said she didn't know

In that sort of
not-listening kind of way."

-
stephen: "I wanted
to hang about

To see if the fat bloke was
gonna get into the kayak,

But suzanne said
we had to head back."

Just left him
waiting to see...
-

...If he's gonna capsize.

"we go home today,
so we got up early to get
the last bit of cloud."

No, it's just
that it wasn't--

It's not that sunny
all the time.

I mean, I was sitting
in weather that

If it was like that here,
there's no way I'd be
sitting in the garden.

-
but because you're
on holiday,

It's like "well,
we've got to sit in it.
Put your coat on."

So are you gonna continue
to write this diary?

- Yeah, I--
- every single day?

It's amazing.
Keep this diary up.

- It's amazing.
- I will. I will keep it up,

'cause what I found out
as well is,

Earlier on
before I went away,

I think
I did learn something

And because
I wrote it down,

I remembered it
a bit, so--

What was that?

I was just thinking
that I forgot it now...

...But I remember
looking back at it

And not having
to read it all

Because I remembered
the end of it

Before I read it,
if you know what I mean.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Harry from canterbury
wants to know

Whether any of us have ever
had any cruel nicknames.

He claims
that he's quite tall

And rather hirsute,

And he says he's often
called lurch or wolfie.

He's always thought
that karl looks a bit
like mr. Potato head.

Yeah, there's
no potato that round,

But I suppose
you could fashion
a potato to be that round.

Maybe if anyone
can carve a potato

Into the roundest head ever,

Pop a couple
of eyes on it...

Make it look as much
like karl as possible.

- Ricky: Exactly.
- Stephen: Yeah. Any nicknames?

Did you ever have
a nickname, rick?

No, I was boring.
I didn't have any.

It was just around
the name, like "gerv"
or something like that.

No, I didn't have
nicknames.

I always wanted
a nickname.

I just thought
it was quite cool
for some reason,

Particularly because
gangsters always seemed
to have nicknames.

- Lefty. Yeah.
- Fingers. Lefty, yeah.

- Scarface.
- Yeah.

And so I decided

'cause no one was giving me
a nickname at school--

It was kind of annoying--
or certainly not to my face--

I decided to just
come up with one.

I remember
I was at lunch once

And I just said
to my mate phil--

- How old were you?
- 12, 13.

- Brilliant.
- I just said to him,

"phil, I don't know
if you know me,

But people aren't
calling me steve anymore.

Everyone's
calling me spud now."
-

Now I don't know
why I thought "spud."

It's weird we should talk
about mr. Potato head.

I don't know why I thought
"spud" was a cool nickname.

- I just sort of--
- it's a grown-up name, innit?

It's also
'cause I think
it sounded like--

It was probably
something that you'd find
in one of those kids' books,

Like "the famous five"
or "the back street kids."

There'd be spud.
I'd always imagined spud--

He's not the leader
of the gang, but he's
a reliable member.

I think spud is
the biggest lorry driver

In one particular sort
of car park.

- "here comes spud."
- stephen: Yeah.

And he gets out.
"all right, boys."
he's big and massive.

"spud can eat
two breakfasts."

Exactly, yeah.
But in my mind

It was that I would be,
one day, part of a gang.

"I'm pinkie, this is jo-jo
and the tall guy is spud."

That's be really cool.

And he just went,
"oh, yeah, right."

And no one started--
well, I was hoping he'd go,

"you know, everyone's
calling steve 'spud.'"

Yeah. "hey, spud."
the first time someone
said "spud," you go "what?"

- Yeah, exactly.
- You'd be really proud,
wouldn't you?

- No.
- Did you have
a nickname?

Um, not-- not rea--

There was a lot
of people on the estate
that I grew up on.

Nicknames are big things
on estates and that.

A lot of my dad's mates--

What their nicknames did
was tell you about them.

Do you know I always said
the elephant man's a good name?

- Ricky: Yeah.
- 'cause you know
what you're gonna get.

If someone said,
"elephant man's popping
around in a bit,

It wouldn't be a shock
when he walked in."
-

- Yeah.
- So it worked
in that sort of thing.

There was
john the screw,
all right?

- John the screw.
- Yeah.

Did he have sex
a lot or he worked
in a prison?

Karl: No,
he had a d.I.Y. Shop.
-

- So you had him.
- Right.

There was
fred the veg.

Yeah?
I see what you mean.

It's cause he had
the same I.Q. As you.

- Stephen:
Or he was in a coma.
- Ricky: Yeah.

- Right?
- There was my uncle,
tattoo stan.

- Oh. Right.
- He had loads of tattoos

- That he'd just done himself.
- Oh my god.

The problem was,
because he did his
tattoos himself,

The ones
on his left arm
were really good...

-
...Because he was
right-handed.

On his right arm,
rubbish.

So that was him.

- Oh, great.
- Then there was
jimmy the hat.

- Jimmy the hat?
- Yeah.

- Did he always wear a hat?
- Karl: No, he didn't.

That was the point there--
he never wore a hat.

- That's amazing.
- Brilliant.

How can you pick up
on someone

Never wearing a hat?
How would you ever notice?

"I've noticed something
about jimmy." "go on."

"he doesn't wear a hat."

Why was he not called
jimmy the parrot?

'cause he never
carries a parrot.

That's the way--
that's how they work.

"here comes
jimmy three-legs."
"why'd you call him that?"

- "he hasn't got three legs."
- I didn't really have one,

Apart from--
I had a c.B.

You know, like when you'd
go on a c.B. Radio
and have a chat--

Oh, this was
a craze in the--

Was it late '70s,
early '80s?

- Early '80s.
- And it was just

Short-band radio.
Everyone had these
little handsets

And they'd
speak to each other
in the local area.

Yeah, it was mainly--
I think it started off

- With truck drivers.
- Lorry drivers, yeah.
Truckers, yeah.

There was that thing
from the 1970s--

- "convoy."
- "convoy." yeah. Yeah.

Karl: Yeah,
so I had one of them...
-

...And my handle--
I had two of them--

- Handle is
your nickname, your name?
- Yeah, there's loads of code,

- Code stuff.
- Ricky: Yeah.

I had a couple.There wa-

'cause there's
a lot of pilkingtons
in manchester,

So if someone
wants pilky02
in manchester, it's open.

You know what I mean?
They can have it.

There is people
scrambling for--
" I want pilky01."

And then because
I did boxing and that...

- Ricky: Well,
you did it once.
- Stephen: Yeah.

...I had boxerboy,

'cause I thought that's quite
a good image as well.

That's kind
of like people going,
"oh, don't mess with him."

If he asks
what your handle is--

"tell him."
"it's boxerboy."

So I just had them two,
and I used to go on there.

Pointless.
What is the point of this?

- You just meet people.
- You don't meet people.

You say, "what's your handle?"
"boxerboy. What's yours?"

"uh, rubber duck "all ri"

No, but then
you'll say-- you'll go,

- "what's your 20?"
- what's that mean?

- That's "where are you?"
- why didn't you say,
"where are you?"

Just in case
there's someone
who's listening in--

You hear about this
all the time--

People listening,
jotting stuff down.

Oh, right.
So just in case someone
in the world doesn't know

What "handle" means,
they're out of the loop.

- They're out of the loop.
- It's not a difficult
code to crack

If you're trying
to track someone.

It's hardly
the head of the mafia

Talking to each other
because the fbi are
on the wire.

It's ridiculous.
"he keeps saying
'what's your handle?'

And they come back
with something else.

I can't work out
what's going on."

It's like anything.
That's what codes--

That's what codes
are all about, innit?

- You set them up and that.
- Go on. Tell me
the codes then.

Reveal, at long last,
to the world what
these codes are.

- Yeah.
- All right,
so "what's your 20?"

- "where are you?"
- this is better than
the enigma.

- Right now here we go.
- What?

"how many candles
are you burning?"

Uh, does that mean
"how big is your car?"
or something like that?

- Horsepower
or something like that?
- See? No that's not--

- All right,
"what time is it?"
- no, "how old are you?"

- What? "how old
are you?" okay.
- Right.

"how many candles are
you burning?" of course.

So what--
what's the answer come back?

- You go, uh--
- "I'm 15."

- 14.
- Brilliant.

That code--
that code is--

There's-- no one's
gonna work that out.

I wish you had kept
a diary of this,

- 'cause this has
been fascinating.
- Now and again,

Someone will come in
and go, "side on," right?

- What's that mean?
- Karl: That means there's

Someone out there
listening in to this chat

- And going
"this sounds interesting."
- yeah. No, it doesn't.

- Unlikely.
- Yeah.

They want to join in,
so they go "side on."

You go "side on.
Bring it in." right?

And they go, "all right."

How many candles
are you burning?

Yeah.
What's your 20?

- Yeah.
- See you later.
What's your 20?

How many candles
are you burning?

- Oh.
- I mean, it seems to me

That what you should
have done is made a note

The first time
so that when you
then speak to them again,

You don't need to ask
them those questions.

Can I just confirm
that you're burning 15?

It's that time again.
Do the jingle.

Oh! Monkey news!

sorry. Sorry.

Okay. I'm gonna do
a really good one.

- Stephen: Okay, go.
- Oh! Chimpanzee that!

Monkey news, you...

You know it's nearly time
for the winter olympics again.

- Is it?
- They sort of come around
every four years.

- Is it this year is it?
- Yeah and the last one
that happened...

- Four years ago yeah.
- ...There was a bit
of an incident.

Oh no. Do you
remember any winners
that were monkeys

- In any of the tournaments?
- Ricky: No. Course not.

It's not going to be that
'cause it wouldn't be true.

- Yeah.
- Anyway, one--

One of the popular events--
bobsleigh.

Okay, right.

You know--
you know how it works.

- It's like a sled.
- Well, you need four men--
is it four men or five men?

- Four men.
- It's definitely four men

- That you need on--
- is it-- and two.

And there's
two-team bobsleighs.

But they're always men,
isn't that right, rick?

Let me just clarify:
With the olympics you can't
have animals taking part?

No, and also--
well, no, 'cause they
wouldn't be allowed;

And two, there's no way
they could disguise it,

Because not only
would they see it
straightaway, right?

- But they have blood tests...
- okay.

- ...Which would show up--
- so they'd definitely know
if it was a non-human.

Blood sts--
it's impossible.

It'd be literally impossible
to have anything

Other than a human involved
in a bobsleigh team.

Fine. Okay.
So carry on.

Anyway, the country was
doing really well

- In the qualifying stages.
- Stephen: Oh yes.

But the problem was
there was two members

Who were getting
all the press and stuff.

- Ricky: Oh right, yeah.
- Karl: So this one member
was getting fed up

Because the other two
were getting all the press
and what have you,

- So he said,
"I'm not happy with this."
- stephen: Yeah.

- Karl: "I'm jacking it in."
- stephen: Oh.

So they were
like "you're joking.
We've qualified.

We're getting into
the main race."

He said, "you can't
leave us now."

And he said,
"well, you?can do it
all on your own before,

The way you were acting
like you didn't need me.

So I'm going."
so the clock's ticking.

It's getting close
to the big race
and everything.

- Of course it is, yeah.
- They're like, "what are
we gonna do here?"

- The substitute
they took with them.
- What they gonna do?

- They would take
their substitute.
- No, they didn't

Have any other--
there'd been a lot
of injuries and stuff.

We'll just get
our mate to do it.

Just get a mate, a friend
or the coach to do it.

There's a lot
of responsibility
on these people

And you don't want
to let your country
down and that.

- And they're like,
"what are we gonna do?"
- get a waiter or anyone.

Anyway, the time comes
for the race.

There seems to be
three people on it.

There appears
to be three.
Okay, yeah.

They start off.

They're whizzing
around the track,
faster than normal.

- They're beating
their old record...
- Stephen: Right amazing.

...Because the new
fellow they've got
is a little bit smaller.

- Stephen: Oh.
- Is he in the bobsleigh
or was he pushing?

- He's-- he's in it.
- Oh, okay.

He's wearing the uniform
and a helmet though.
He's got something--

He's got all of it on.
He's got the kit on.

- Nobody knows who he is
but the country's loving it.
- Stephen: Course they are.

They're like,
"it looks like we gonna
break all our records.

- It's good that
they found someone new."
- stephen:"yeah."

"I bet the other
fella who left is
kicking himself,

Thinking,
'oh, I could have
been part of this.'"

- Anyway--
- this wasn't that bloke

That had very short legs
and long arms, was it?

Anyway what happened is
they're whizzing around
the track and what have you...

- Faster than ever, yeah.
- ...Faster than ever,

And the press are like
"beating our records there."

They started
taking photographs.

- Oh.
- Lot of flashes from
the cameras and stuff.

- Stephen: Right, of course.
- Karl: Suddenly the bobsleigh
goes a bit mental...

-
...And whizzes
off the track.

Ambulance comes
rushing over

And the other two members
are looking pretty nervous
for some reason.

They're saying, "look,
don't take the helmet off,

Because you can do
more damage to the"--

Well, don't tell
the paramedics how to do it.

They know their job.
They know their job, please.

They're like, "you know,
plus you know he doesn't--

He came in
at the last minute,
to help us out.

He doesn't want everyone
to know who he is.

- He's not after
the limelight..."
- ricky: Yeah.

"...Like some other members
we used to have.

He's just was
helping his country out.
Leave the helmet on."

Anyway, they get him
in the ambulance,

The other two are
looking a bit worried
and what have you.

- They're gutted that
they lost theace.
- The little bloke--

- Is the bloke not
saying anything?
- He's in the ambulance now.

- Is he not saying
anything, though?
- It was reported that

One of the ambulance
drivers said that on
that dreadful night,

When the country
lost out on a medal
in the bobsleigh,

He reported that there was
a monkey in the back
of the ambulance.

People were like going
"oh, you're joking."

- I don't remember this.
I don't remember this.
- This is it, you see,

Because they swept it under
the carpet a little bit.

- They were like
"this is crazy talk."
- bullshit.

- "this is crazy talk."
- it's bullshit.
Absolute shit.

- Where did you get this from?
- This is crazy talk, right?

It is crazy talk,
and it's from the mouth
of karl pilkington.

But the weird thing is
that backed it up,

The following week
there was a story
of some people

Who visited the zoo
and saw a chimp
in a neck brace.

And that's this week's
monkey news.