The Ricky Gervais Show (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 8 - Nuts - full transcript
For the past
few years Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant,
and Karl Pilkington
have been meeting
regularly
for a series
of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right?
Hello and welcome
to "the Ricky Gervais show"
with me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...
- Hello. - ...
And the little round-headed buffoon
that is Karl Pilkington.
Hi.
we do of course, Rick, every
week get thousands of emails.
Emily from New York has asked
Karl, if you're on
a sinking ship
or you were in
a burning building
and you re with myself
and Ricky,
but you could only
save one of us...
I don't know why that's
the case,
but you can only save
one of us... who would you save?
Would it be Ricky or
would it be me?
- I think it's a two-man dinghy.
- Right, okay.
- Possibly. - And we're trapped and
he knows that if he stays there
to get both our legs out
from under this thing...
- The girder.
- Yeah... he dies.
So he's got... so he's got room...
He's got time to save one.
It's obviously me.
It's hard to say,
isn't it, at this point?
What, 'cause Steve's in
the room, you mean?
Just because we don't know
what the situation is.
Okay. Well, let's say we're
on a sinking ship, all right?
So you're gonna have to rescue
one of us... drag us into the...
It's... it's going under.
You know...
You know in 30 seconds, okay,
this ship's going to drag you
down and you're gonna die, right?
And our legs are trapped.
And you got enough time
to untangle one set of legs.
Whose legs do you untangle?
Just because
my legs are long
does not necessarily mean
it's more complicated.
No, it's exactly the same amount of time.
Just have to make a choice.
Terrible...
A terrible choice
that Steve would, would not,
you know hate you for.
Well, listen listen...
He's gonna drown in 30 seconds.
Forget him.
Bear in mind this, Karl:
You are gonna be stuck in
a dinghy with Ricky Gervais.
And who knows how long
that's gonna take?
Think of all the head squeezing
that's gonna be going on,
the comments, the...
And do you honestly think that he's gonna...
If there was any provisions, that he's
gonna split them evenly with you?
I mean, he's gonna have
drunk all the water
and it's only gonna be
about a half an hour in.
The food's gonna be gone.
Look at his gut. Look how much, you
know, the food he's gonna have to eat...
- The baked beans that you've
got on board. - Come on.
Whereas me, you know
how generous I am.
- I'm always sort of helping...
- Oh, there we go.
Karl, he's... I think he's put
the nail in his own coff there.
"You know how
generous I am, Karl."
Let's talk about that Karl.
Come on. Think about that one.
Yeah, I mean, have you forgot
about that, Steve?
What? What?
The time... the time
when we went for a coffee?
We sort of had a heated debate
about the 50 pence change.
Yeah, you owed me 50p.
And you decided
you didn't want to give it
to me 'cause it was only 50p.
And my point was it's not
a question of 50p;
it's the fact that it's not your
decision to decide not to give it to me.
If I wanted to be generous
that's my decision,
but you can't go,
"oh, it's only 50p, Steve."
It's my decision to...
But you've just given him
a free keg of beer.
- Yeah.
- No, but... yes, but that was...
That did not come to you.
You didn't pay for the free keg of beer.
It was a promotional thing
that was sent to you.
- Doesn't matter.
- It's the same thing
as the way I gave Suzanne my
leaving present from my last job.
A lot of people may not
be aware of this
if they haven't heard of
something like this before.
But, yes.
You had a gift from your work
'cause you were leaving after
how many years of service,
which you then gave straight
to your girlfriend
without telling her that it'd been
received from people at work.
Doesn't matter. She wanted the camera.
It's the same thing as you...
You wanted that lager that I got for free.
That doesn't cost you anything.
It doesn't matter where
I got it from.
So you now decide
because you've given me
a free keg of lager that you can
now say, "oh actually, I'm not... "
You know, "in the future, I'll just
take your money, Steve, on a whim"?
Listen, it's...
You're rockin' the dinghy.
Karl, have some of my cheese.
Can you imagine if he... can you
imagine he would ever say that?
Do you imagine him ever ever
offering you any of his cheese?
Who you gonna save, Karl, mate?
- I don't want to say.
- Well, think about it and...
I might do a sort of
a for-and-against something
and then sort of,
"so the conclusion is..."
Okay, all right.
Well, I've been waiting
for this for a week.
It's a regular feature now
when we read from Karl's diary.
Karl decided to keep a diary.
He's gone through with it.
I can see it there.
It's massive. It's a huge desk diary
that he has to carry around with him.
And he... the pages are
getting full up.
- You're... you're really
keeping to this. - Yeah.
Right, this is extracts from
Karl's diary.
"Did podcast and went for an
Italian with Ricky and Steve."
Italian place is good.
We've been there a few times.
I always have the same thing...
Spaghetti.
Can't remember what
everyone else had.
Last time we went there, Steve had
little octopuses with pasta.
You could see that they
were octopuses;
they hadn't been cut up
or anything.
My rule is that I only eat stuff
that looks nice when it's alive... "
"... a cow, a chicken,
some fish.
An octopus is
an odd-looking thing alive,
even worse when it's dead
and limp.
It looks like it just shouldn't
have been set in the spaghetti."
Yeah, I agree.
I agree with that.
"Ricky drew another
picture of my head."
We've given a few of them
away as prizes,
but he draws so many of them that
they won't be worth as much anymore.
Everyone will eventually
have one,
like those pictures of
the boy crying
that caused houses to burn
down in the 1980s."
- What does that mean?
- What you talking about?
It's just some kid.
My aunt lenore had one.
And it was just, like, a kid
with a blue jumper on
and his... it's like a painting,
not a photo.
- Yeah. Exactly, yeah.
- And he's just crying.
Like the chocolate box, a really
awful sort of sugary...
And what happened is
they found out
that a lot of the houses
were being set on fire
or burst into flames, whatever.
And the weird thing was...
- Oh, it's bullocks. -... every house
that burnt down had that photo.
Yeah, 'cause every
house had that picture
in the fucking '70s and '80s,
idiot.
It's like,
"we're linking it to sinks.
Every house that's ever burned
down had a sink."
You're talking shit again.
Carry on.
"Wednesday:
Saw a homeless bloke."
I'm surprised that no companies have
thought about sponsoring the homeless...
Something like
a clothing company.
Give them some clothes that
have an advert on the back.
Everyone's a winner."
- Good idea.
- Not bad is it?
"Got on the tube to camden.
Read in a free newspaper"
that hedgehogs could be
gone by 2025.
I think I've seen more dead
hedgehogs than alive ones anyway.
So I don't think
I'll miss 'em.
Went round to Ricky's house
and had a game of pool.
It should have been nice and relaxing,
but Jane gave me some cake
and Ricky said I can't play pool if
my hands are all sticky from cake."
It was the sugar...
And it wasn't that, either.
After he finished it,
they weren't just sticky;
he was licking his finger,
sucking his fingers off,
and then was gonna pick up pool cues
and touch things. And I was thinking,
"go and wash your hands after licking your hands.
You're not a cat."
"This turned into an argument when I
said I didn't want to wash my hands."
- Why didn't he?
- "He goes for a piss all the time
without washing his hands
and then squeezes my head.
"I know I prefer to have lemon cake
crumbs on my head than knob juice."
"Was gonna do a crossword
but I'm tired
and have learned enough today."
What have you learned?
Well, the stuff about
hedgehogs and that.
Oh God.
"Was on my way to
a mate's and I got on a train."
Got close to his station,
but realized I needed a wee.
Was about to go in a cubicle
when a blind man with a dog,
who was bumbling his way through
the walkway, came around.
I said, 'are you after
the toilet?' He said, 'yeah.'
i said, 'it's on your right.'
i shouldn't have let him go
first as he took ages
and it would be my stop soon.
The dog waited outside the cubicle.
I was gonna stroke it,
but then I remembered someone
telling me that you shouldn't."
Why not?
Because something to do with
the owner should be the only one who...
Who sort of deals with that dog.
- And you shouldn't sort of...
- Well, you shouldn't stroke it
because you're covered in
fucking lemon cake.
Well, just because,
you know, if you...
If you stroke it and that,
it... it might like,
like me and want to go off with me.
And he'll come out and be lost and stuff.
Yeah.
People who have sent this in, including
Paul "the party animal" Parker...
For some reason we've just
assumed he's in school.
I don't think there's any
actual proof of that. But I...
I reckon he left in June and he's
doing sort of bits and pieces.
But he's still a party animal.
Do you think, I mean, do you
think he can hold down a job?
- Or is he just partying so hard that
he... - He can hold down the job.
He often arrives late.
And the boss who's in over him
will go, "parker,
you're late again!
" He goes, "yeah, talk to the hand."
I think that he's
the sort of guy that he can...
That he'll just happily say, "I
can survive on four hours sleep."
- Yeah. - "Sometimes...
I've never slept at all."
But I think he comes in with
his headphones blaring, right,
on a... on a skateboard.
And the bloke goes up to him... the old bloke,
right, the old fuddy-duddy
bloke, who goes,
"you... you stupid idiot.
You call this... "
He goes, "chill out, man.
" And in two minutes, he's got him dancing.
Oh, I know what he's like.
Yeah, he is just like...
He just can't resist it.
- 'Cause he's... he's just a fun guy.
- Yeah.
Anyway, Paul and
a few other people
have sent in this piece of
information they've discovered
from one the more respected
news networks.
The headline is this:
"Female kidney turns lumberjack
on to housework."
Right.
Now a croatian lumberjack
apparently has claimed
that he started enjoying
housework and knitting
after he was given
a female kidney.
He claims he's gonna Sue
his local health authority
'cause he says he's become
a laughingstock.
He used to enjoy heavy drinking
sessions and things.
The kidney transplant saved
his life,
"...But they never warned me
about the side effects."
I've developed a strange passion
for female jobs like ironing,
sewing, washing dishes, sorting clothes
in wardrobes and even knitting."
Well, if he likes it,
what's the problem?
It's nonsense.
It's nonsense.
Hold on, though. What makes me laugh
is he's become a laughingstock,
so what do you do when you
become a laughingstock?
- Tell the newspapers.
- Well, yeah.
Tell the newspapers about it
'cause then they'll have to keep
it completely under wraps then.
It's the sort of medical nonsense that
Karl would normally come up with.
Absolutely. The, you know,
you take on the personality
of the person who
gave you their blood.
Exactly. It's like those odd
sort of horror stories,
you know... you get given a
murderer's hand
and you go around killing.
But... but there can be
certain medical things
that would change the way you think
and would change you as a person.
Say like how they can do face
transplants now.
- Yeah. - Right?
I mean, I don't quite understand
how these face
transplants work,
because do you get
a choice of who you have?
If... if you had something done
to your face and you go...
You know, it's burned or whatever
or something happens to you
and you need
a face transplant...
Well, if you change... if you
totally changed your appearance,
then you would eventually change
because of how people reacted to you.
- Well, but I'm saying...
- So if you gave yourself
the head of an elephant,
soon you wouldn't...
You wouldn't be
yourself because of the...
I wouldn't have that.
That's what I'm saying.
If they had a catalogue,
and they said,
"here's some faces you can have.
Pick which one you want..."
Yeah.
...Would you be looked upon badly
if you go, "do you know what?
I don't really like
the look of any of them.
"Can I just wait
for a better face?"
Or at this moment in time, have you
just got to take what's on offer?
Karl, there's no one looking
through catalogues at faces
they might be able to have.
No, they do now because of
the face-transplant thing.
But who are these people
putting their face up for...
They wait till someone...
Yeah, I know,
but at some point...
Well, I'll tell you what: I
would not have a face transplant
if I haven't seen the face
before I'm gonna have it.
You are so...
I want to see what I'm having because
I could end up with anything.
You mentioned elephant's head.
What... do you know what I mean?
Whose head are they gonna use?
Is it the latest thing that's died?
"Oh, well, this got
run over before.
Here, I'll stick this
on your head."
- Where did this come from?
- From his mind.
Where are these faces queuing
up to be popped on a skull?
Where do you think they have got
time to, to put all these...
Maybe this is why it won't
catch on. I don't know.
This is extraordinary.
You've created in your own head
the existence of this pamphlet.
And now you're defending it
even though we don't know
if it even exists.
And you're this skull on a... on a
hospital bed going, "I'm not having that.
I don't like the look of it.
I mean, he looks a bit shifty.
Yeah, don't like that one."
Can I ask this now?
Let's say you... we were both...
We'd passed away sadly in
something terribly tragic.
The nation mourned.
You know, it's just terrible.
It's like one of the great
national disasters.
But you... at the same time,
you survived the accident.
Okay? But your face
is hideously disfigured.
You can take either
Ricky's face or mine to have.
I'surprised you're
asking this now, Steve.
I mean... I mean, it's just... it
doesn't seem like any of them
- is like a great option.
- Oh, thanks.
And this is what I'm saying
about the catalogue.
If those... if those two were on offer,
I might go, "do you know what?
Pop in again tomorrow.
Bring in another booklet."
This is from Anne Marie.
She says that she loves the podcast.
She listens with her
seven-months-old baby.
That cannot be a good idea.
"If you had children, what
is the most important lesson
- you'd want to teach them?"
- Uh...
I mean, in a way, if you sort
of look after a kid too much,
it doesn't learn that much.
But if you let it learn
by its mistakes,
it'll probably
grow up all right.
But there are some mistakes you can't
afford it to make to learn from.
Yeah. Driving a car
the wrong way down a motorway.
Testing if the
fire really is hot.
No, but say like the time...
Does broken glass really
taste horrible?
These are lessons you don't
want it to learn from mistakes.
You can tell them that.
But what I mean is...
But what I mean is there's
certain things that...
I just think that there was a kid who
grew up in our... in our Avenue, right,
on the estate,
who, when it was born, right,
we kind of thought,
"he's got no chance, this kid."
'Cause its mom was a bit
of a "wrong'un."
"Wrong'un"?
What is that?
No, just... just like,
you know, she liked going out
and having a fag and, like, having a drink.
And she's never at home.
It's the one who had the...
The horse in the house...
- Sure. - ...
Which I don't want to go over.
- It's old news, yeah.
- It's out there, isn't it?
If you want to find out about
the horse in the house...
She had a kid. And everyone
was pretty surprised
when they saw it 'cause it was
a good-looking kid.
It was a surprise 'cause, like, you know,
the mom wasn't that good looking;
the dad was a bit rough.
But it came out and she was
showing it around...
Around the Avenue going,
"look at this I've had."
And she was... she was
chuffed with it
'cause it waprobably like
one of the newest things
she'd ever had. 'Cause everything
else was always sort of...
Secondhand?
-... secondhand and what have you.
Suddenly she's got this
brand-new little baby, right?
Anyway, as it grew up,
all right,
those looks went.
And I'm not talking getting old;
I'm talking by the age
of about three.
- It looked...
... it looked rough
already, right?
And all that... that just
happened
because that's... that's the
life it was in, right?
Yeah.
So, like, he had like
a patchy head; Its hair...
What?
He had a patchy head?
A patchy head.
It's just sort of...
It wasn't
north American Indian?
What do you mean,
a patchy head?
Just... just his hair
was patchy.
He used to Chase
sort of cars and stuff.
Chase cars? Sorry?
What do you mean?
Just that's what
he did for his...
Sorry, did she let
it get raised by wolves?
No.
But all I'm saying is
that at the end of the day,
what is it that makes a person?
Do you know what I mean?
Now I don't know what state he's in now,
but maybe he learned all his
mistakes by the age of four.
I'm guessing he's not chasing cars now.
But at least he's done it.
- I'm guessing he is.
- Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
At least he can go,
"yeah, I've been there,
done that."
And you don't go back to it.
And you can get away
with doing dafter things when
you're a kid, can't you?
I nearly killed a man once.
Oh, okay, right.
No, that time when I was in...
In wales,
and I was having a walk with me
dad on the cliffs and that...
I just picked up a big rock,
right,
chucked it off the edge.
And as I chucked it off the edge,
i noticed a fellow was
walking down below.
Jeez.
And I missed his
head by, like, inches.
Now I've never chucked a rock off a
bridge or off a cliff or anything.
And it only took one man to
almost lose his life
for you to learn that lesson.
Yeah, but that's how you learn
your lessons, isn't it?
See, a lot of people just
said that maybe your dad
should have said, "hey,
Karl, what you doing?"
No, but he didn't know
I was doing it.
I didn't say, "I'm gonna
Chuck this off here."
I just picked it up
and chucked it.
And as I let go of it, I noticed
the fellow was down there.
You live and you learn.
That's a little mantra.
Right, okay.
You live and you learn. So
the woman who's had the kid,
sort of look after it...
Feed it;
make sure it's got
shoes and that.
- But let it roam about.
- That's great.
- There's the advice for you, Anne Marie.
- I love that.
Good luck. Just let your
seven-month-old baby roam about.
Karl a lot of people are
absolutely fascinated
to find out how you
met Suzanne,
- your girlfriend of how long?
- Ages.
Yeah. And they,
they can't comprehend how...
Well... I suppose that there's
any woman out there who...
There's someone for everyone,
isn't there?
- Yeah.
- That's always my... my thing.
And it's reassuring,
I think, you know?
We chatted about the face
transplants
and that, you know?
There's a face for everyone.
- It's a philosophy, isn't it?
- Yeah.
I mean, it's really
unbelievable.
No, there is someone
for everyone, no matter what...
What condition you're
in or whatever.
'Cause there's...
I read on the email...
Someone emailed in
an old chinese proverb.
It's something about everything,
no matter what it is,
has got one talent. And that's the
same way in a relationship isn't it?
That everyone... you know, there's
always someone out there.
I like the chinese.
There's another chinese proverb
- that I learned on an email.
- Go on.
"He who cuts the wood up
warms himself twice."
- Yeah. That's good. Yeah.
- That's good.
And then someone sent
in that one about,
"too many chinese cooks
spoil the broth."
Well, why is...
Would that...
I don't know who slipped
the word "chinese" in there,
but I think that it's
"too many cooks spoil... "
Well, it was all... it was just all
sort of chinese proverbs and that.
One of my favorite
on the same subject
is, "a camel is a horse
designed by committee."
What do you mean?
Well, it... - I mean,
it's having a go at the camel
and it shouldn't.
But it's just, you know,
it's just a metaphor.
If you wanted to design a horse,
and you had that vision,
but you let... you let 12 people
in the room have their say,
it wouldn't come out as
you wanted it to do.
And it wouldn't be as good.
A vision is more perfect than committee,
because everyone having their
say... it becomes anodyne.
It becomes compromised, whereas
the best thing you can do
is have an idea and have
a vision... an auteur that.
Rick, can I just say now,
I can tell from his look
that he's thinking, "which
committee designed the camel?"
Well, I just say...
I'd say, who...
Why would you request
the hump bit?
'Cause that's just gonna get
in the way, isn't it?
I mean, I've always... I've always
said that about a lot of animals.
It's like we've doubled up
on a lot of them.
We've chatted about
elephants and mammoths.
- One or the other.
And that's the same with...
With a camel.
I'd have it up there as,
"what're they doing?"
They were good years ago
in the Jesus times and that.
Don't need them now.
You know what I mean? We've moved on.
Well, not people who use
camels to cross deserts.
Whatever. I'm gonna... I'm gonna
throw some animals at you,
and you tell how you'd improve them
if you'd have been designing them.
Okay? The octopus.
So I can now go back.
I can look at them
and go,
"what are they doing?"
And where have they gone wrong?
What's up with the...
How could you improve it?
Like the camel, you'd go, "lose the hump."
I'd probably... I'd probably
give it a bit more of a body,
- cut down on the arms...
...And... and give it
some bones.
'Cause I don't understand how all
this getting in a jar is good.
When does he want to get
in a jar?
Well, it only wants
to get in a jar
according to your stories.
No, but there's something
that says it can get in a jar
'cause it hasn't got any bones.
But I don't know why it'd want
to do that in the first place.
I can't even begin
to answer that.
Once again, you've...
You've said...
You've claimed that you've read
that they like to get in jars.
I mean, how do they know that
octopus like to get in jars.
Oh God, I love it.
You can improve on an octopus!
Millions and millions of
years of evolution
making it perfect for
its surroundings.
Okay, another animal
for you then, Karl. Uh...
Giraffe?
What... what are
they adding to the world?
What are they doing?
Well, it's not about what
they add to the world, is it?
But I thought... I thought
that's what everything's about.
It's about things are here
for a reason.
The reason they're here is 'cause
they didn't die. That's it.
No, but there seem to be a lot
of animals that are like...
Do you think there's
a lot of cheating?
Is that what you're saying?
Is there lots of doubling up?
- There seems to be a lot of doubling up.
- Yeah, so you want, you want...
You... you'd get it down
to, like, eight animals
that represented
all of those...
Okay, who would get in your...
In your team?
- You can choose any animal.
- This is what I'm saying.
If I was Noah, I would have
gone like, "hang on a minute.
I've just seen something that
looks a bit like this.
Let it drown
and have a clear out."
But he didn't. He was messing
about saving everything.
He was instructed by God to save
everything, to be fair to him.
Yeah, but if he's been
given that job,
for me, he's sort of
manager of that job.
So you... so you believe
Noah as well?
You believe Noah
happened as well?
And he built a boat big enough
to carry two of every species?
You actually believe that
as fact, do you?
Well, it's out there
in book form.
- Brilliant.
- All right.
Well, you haven't answered the
question that we started with.
- How did you meet Suzanne?
- Just at work.
Thanks.
Oh, chimpanzee that,
monkey news!
There was this airline.
And it was having a lot
of problems and...
- What, pilots too tall?
- Yeah, the cabin was so tiny...
... only bananas were allowed
in the cockpit for fuel.
Anyway, there was a lot of
strikes going on,
right, because... I don't
know what it was about.
It was over money or whatever.
And the...
Well, get someone who
doesn't need money.
But... but what else could
you pay something in, Rick?
- Well, peanuts.
- Peanuts or fruit, yeah.
So anyway, the boss of
the airline,
he had, like, one pilot who
he could trust, right,
- and that was his son.
Right.
But the problem is with a lot of
these planes you need two pilots.
- 'Course you do.
- And he's like, "if only I had two sons."
But he didn't. There's no point
harking on about it, right?
- Sure.
- This is... he runs an airline?
He runs an airline, yeah?
But how many pilots are there?
'Cause there must be loads?
No, there's loads, but the
problem is a lot of them
are going on strike. And each week he
can see that, "we're struggling here.
- We haven't got... "
- Well, just close it down.
- No, you can't do that, Rick.
- No can't...
- Of course you can. - It would cost
him a fortune if he closes it down.
Yeah, but one plane's not gonna make
a difference in an airline, is it?
- No no, it's all the planes.
- It's all the planes, mate.
So the son... he's
flying the planes and that.
He's getting worried
for his dad
'cause of his business...
It's falling apart.
He's like...
Anyway, listen...
One plane won't make
any difference.
"Don't worry about it.
We found someone who you could work with."
He said, "he's staying over near
the sort of quarantine area
where all the animals
are kept."
Oh yeah, right. Okay.
"They won't be looking in there.
They won't bother." So he's like, "all right."
No animal that could be
a co-pilot, that's why.
"I'll see you... he'll meet
up with you in the cockpit.
"He'll meet up in
the cockpit?" Yeah, sure.
So anyway, he gets in there.
He meets him.
At first, a little bit of a shock
who he's gonna be working with.
- Why?
- But he's thinking,
"as long as I can keep my dad's
business alive, I can... "
- Not with one plane.
- Everyone's happy.
Then one day what happens is
a little bit of the problem.
- Oh, dear.
- Well, what happened is
one woman who was on the... on
the plane got a bit peckish...
Right.
...And said to
the air-hostess woman,
"I'm little bit peckish.
Have you got any sort of nibbles and that?"
She went, "no we've got...
Got a sandwich."
She said, "I don't really
want a sandwich.
I want some... you know,
like the usual stuff
that planes give out, just like
a bag of nuts or something."
What, have they not
given those out yet?
So... no, they don't give it... -
For some reason,
she was like, "look, we've
stopped giving out the nuts.
We can get you a sandwich.
And the woman's like,
"I don't want a sandwich.
I just want some nuts.
You know what I mean?
A sandwich is quite a big meal.
I just want some nibbles.
I want some nuts."
"Then that's not available."
Done. End of story.
So she said, "well, you're
saying there aren'any nuts.
But earlier I saw you put a tray
outside the cockpit, right?
It had a sandwich on it, two
cokes and two bags of nuts."
She said, "so you're saying there
aren't any, but the pilots getting... "
"Well, there aren't any now 'cause
that was the last two packets." Done.
- No no, so...
- Let's go home.
"Well, I'll go and have a
word with the pilot myself.
'Cause you only put them out
there a few minutes ago.
- He can't have eaten them... "
- Karl, you cannot... no no.
This is it. She was saying,
"you cannot go over."
- No. Yeah?
- Listen.
- "I'm gonna go over because... "
- "No no, you can't."
- "... I know I've been lied to."
- "No, you can't."
- So she goes.
- There's no way.
- The pilot...
- They can't get in anyway.
... chat about the nuts
and what have you.
And he's thinking,
"what's going on out there?"
He opens the door.
She gets a glance in.
Little monkey's up there
with headphones on.
Fucking bullocks.
few years Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant,
and Karl Pilkington
have been meeting
regularly
for a series
of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right?
Hello and welcome
to "the Ricky Gervais show"
with me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...
- Hello. - ...
And the little round-headed buffoon
that is Karl Pilkington.
Hi.
we do of course, Rick, every
week get thousands of emails.
Emily from New York has asked
Karl, if you're on
a sinking ship
or you were in
a burning building
and you re with myself
and Ricky,
but you could only
save one of us...
I don't know why that's
the case,
but you can only save
one of us... who would you save?
Would it be Ricky or
would it be me?
- I think it's a two-man dinghy.
- Right, okay.
- Possibly. - And we're trapped and
he knows that if he stays there
to get both our legs out
from under this thing...
- The girder.
- Yeah... he dies.
So he's got... so he's got room...
He's got time to save one.
It's obviously me.
It's hard to say,
isn't it, at this point?
What, 'cause Steve's in
the room, you mean?
Just because we don't know
what the situation is.
Okay. Well, let's say we're
on a sinking ship, all right?
So you're gonna have to rescue
one of us... drag us into the...
It's... it's going under.
You know...
You know in 30 seconds, okay,
this ship's going to drag you
down and you're gonna die, right?
And our legs are trapped.
And you got enough time
to untangle one set of legs.
Whose legs do you untangle?
Just because
my legs are long
does not necessarily mean
it's more complicated.
No, it's exactly the same amount of time.
Just have to make a choice.
Terrible...
A terrible choice
that Steve would, would not,
you know hate you for.
Well, listen listen...
He's gonna drown in 30 seconds.
Forget him.
Bear in mind this, Karl:
You are gonna be stuck in
a dinghy with Ricky Gervais.
And who knows how long
that's gonna take?
Think of all the head squeezing
that's gonna be going on,
the comments, the...
And do you honestly think that he's gonna...
If there was any provisions, that he's
gonna split them evenly with you?
I mean, he's gonna have
drunk all the water
and it's only gonna be
about a half an hour in.
The food's gonna be gone.
Look at his gut. Look how much, you
know, the food he's gonna have to eat...
- The baked beans that you've
got on board. - Come on.
Whereas me, you know
how generous I am.
- I'm always sort of helping...
- Oh, there we go.
Karl, he's... I think he's put
the nail in his own coff there.
"You know how
generous I am, Karl."
Let's talk about that Karl.
Come on. Think about that one.
Yeah, I mean, have you forgot
about that, Steve?
What? What?
The time... the time
when we went for a coffee?
We sort of had a heated debate
about the 50 pence change.
Yeah, you owed me 50p.
And you decided
you didn't want to give it
to me 'cause it was only 50p.
And my point was it's not
a question of 50p;
it's the fact that it's not your
decision to decide not to give it to me.
If I wanted to be generous
that's my decision,
but you can't go,
"oh, it's only 50p, Steve."
It's my decision to...
But you've just given him
a free keg of beer.
- Yeah.
- No, but... yes, but that was...
That did not come to you.
You didn't pay for the free keg of beer.
It was a promotional thing
that was sent to you.
- Doesn't matter.
- It's the same thing
as the way I gave Suzanne my
leaving present from my last job.
A lot of people may not
be aware of this
if they haven't heard of
something like this before.
But, yes.
You had a gift from your work
'cause you were leaving after
how many years of service,
which you then gave straight
to your girlfriend
without telling her that it'd been
received from people at work.
Doesn't matter. She wanted the camera.
It's the same thing as you...
You wanted that lager that I got for free.
That doesn't cost you anything.
It doesn't matter where
I got it from.
So you now decide
because you've given me
a free keg of lager that you can
now say, "oh actually, I'm not... "
You know, "in the future, I'll just
take your money, Steve, on a whim"?
Listen, it's...
You're rockin' the dinghy.
Karl, have some of my cheese.
Can you imagine if he... can you
imagine he would ever say that?
Do you imagine him ever ever
offering you any of his cheese?
Who you gonna save, Karl, mate?
- I don't want to say.
- Well, think about it and...
I might do a sort of
a for-and-against something
and then sort of,
"so the conclusion is..."
Okay, all right.
Well, I've been waiting
for this for a week.
It's a regular feature now
when we read from Karl's diary.
Karl decided to keep a diary.
He's gone through with it.
I can see it there.
It's massive. It's a huge desk diary
that he has to carry around with him.
And he... the pages are
getting full up.
- You're... you're really
keeping to this. - Yeah.
Right, this is extracts from
Karl's diary.
"Did podcast and went for an
Italian with Ricky and Steve."
Italian place is good.
We've been there a few times.
I always have the same thing...
Spaghetti.
Can't remember what
everyone else had.
Last time we went there, Steve had
little octopuses with pasta.
You could see that they
were octopuses;
they hadn't been cut up
or anything.
My rule is that I only eat stuff
that looks nice when it's alive... "
"... a cow, a chicken,
some fish.
An octopus is
an odd-looking thing alive,
even worse when it's dead
and limp.
It looks like it just shouldn't
have been set in the spaghetti."
Yeah, I agree.
I agree with that.
"Ricky drew another
picture of my head."
We've given a few of them
away as prizes,
but he draws so many of them that
they won't be worth as much anymore.
Everyone will eventually
have one,
like those pictures of
the boy crying
that caused houses to burn
down in the 1980s."
- What does that mean?
- What you talking about?
It's just some kid.
My aunt lenore had one.
And it was just, like, a kid
with a blue jumper on
and his... it's like a painting,
not a photo.
- Yeah. Exactly, yeah.
- And he's just crying.
Like the chocolate box, a really
awful sort of sugary...
And what happened is
they found out
that a lot of the houses
were being set on fire
or burst into flames, whatever.
And the weird thing was...
- Oh, it's bullocks. -... every house
that burnt down had that photo.
Yeah, 'cause every
house had that picture
in the fucking '70s and '80s,
idiot.
It's like,
"we're linking it to sinks.
Every house that's ever burned
down had a sink."
You're talking shit again.
Carry on.
"Wednesday:
Saw a homeless bloke."
I'm surprised that no companies have
thought about sponsoring the homeless...
Something like
a clothing company.
Give them some clothes that
have an advert on the back.
Everyone's a winner."
- Good idea.
- Not bad is it?
"Got on the tube to camden.
Read in a free newspaper"
that hedgehogs could be
gone by 2025.
I think I've seen more dead
hedgehogs than alive ones anyway.
So I don't think
I'll miss 'em.
Went round to Ricky's house
and had a game of pool.
It should have been nice and relaxing,
but Jane gave me some cake
and Ricky said I can't play pool if
my hands are all sticky from cake."
It was the sugar...
And it wasn't that, either.
After he finished it,
they weren't just sticky;
he was licking his finger,
sucking his fingers off,
and then was gonna pick up pool cues
and touch things. And I was thinking,
"go and wash your hands after licking your hands.
You're not a cat."
"This turned into an argument when I
said I didn't want to wash my hands."
- Why didn't he?
- "He goes for a piss all the time
without washing his hands
and then squeezes my head.
"I know I prefer to have lemon cake
crumbs on my head than knob juice."
"Was gonna do a crossword
but I'm tired
and have learned enough today."
What have you learned?
Well, the stuff about
hedgehogs and that.
Oh God.
"Was on my way to
a mate's and I got on a train."
Got close to his station,
but realized I needed a wee.
Was about to go in a cubicle
when a blind man with a dog,
who was bumbling his way through
the walkway, came around.
I said, 'are you after
the toilet?' He said, 'yeah.'
i said, 'it's on your right.'
i shouldn't have let him go
first as he took ages
and it would be my stop soon.
The dog waited outside the cubicle.
I was gonna stroke it,
but then I remembered someone
telling me that you shouldn't."
Why not?
Because something to do with
the owner should be the only one who...
Who sort of deals with that dog.
- And you shouldn't sort of...
- Well, you shouldn't stroke it
because you're covered in
fucking lemon cake.
Well, just because,
you know, if you...
If you stroke it and that,
it... it might like,
like me and want to go off with me.
And he'll come out and be lost and stuff.
Yeah.
People who have sent this in, including
Paul "the party animal" Parker...
For some reason we've just
assumed he's in school.
I don't think there's any
actual proof of that. But I...
I reckon he left in June and he's
doing sort of bits and pieces.
But he's still a party animal.
Do you think, I mean, do you
think he can hold down a job?
- Or is he just partying so hard that
he... - He can hold down the job.
He often arrives late.
And the boss who's in over him
will go, "parker,
you're late again!
" He goes, "yeah, talk to the hand."
I think that he's
the sort of guy that he can...
That he'll just happily say, "I
can survive on four hours sleep."
- Yeah. - "Sometimes...
I've never slept at all."
But I think he comes in with
his headphones blaring, right,
on a... on a skateboard.
And the bloke goes up to him... the old bloke,
right, the old fuddy-duddy
bloke, who goes,
"you... you stupid idiot.
You call this... "
He goes, "chill out, man.
" And in two minutes, he's got him dancing.
Oh, I know what he's like.
Yeah, he is just like...
He just can't resist it.
- 'Cause he's... he's just a fun guy.
- Yeah.
Anyway, Paul and
a few other people
have sent in this piece of
information they've discovered
from one the more respected
news networks.
The headline is this:
"Female kidney turns lumberjack
on to housework."
Right.
Now a croatian lumberjack
apparently has claimed
that he started enjoying
housework and knitting
after he was given
a female kidney.
He claims he's gonna Sue
his local health authority
'cause he says he's become
a laughingstock.
He used to enjoy heavy drinking
sessions and things.
The kidney transplant saved
his life,
"...But they never warned me
about the side effects."
I've developed a strange passion
for female jobs like ironing,
sewing, washing dishes, sorting clothes
in wardrobes and even knitting."
Well, if he likes it,
what's the problem?
It's nonsense.
It's nonsense.
Hold on, though. What makes me laugh
is he's become a laughingstock,
so what do you do when you
become a laughingstock?
- Tell the newspapers.
- Well, yeah.
Tell the newspapers about it
'cause then they'll have to keep
it completely under wraps then.
It's the sort of medical nonsense that
Karl would normally come up with.
Absolutely. The, you know,
you take on the personality
of the person who
gave you their blood.
Exactly. It's like those odd
sort of horror stories,
you know... you get given a
murderer's hand
and you go around killing.
But... but there can be
certain medical things
that would change the way you think
and would change you as a person.
Say like how they can do face
transplants now.
- Yeah. - Right?
I mean, I don't quite understand
how these face
transplants work,
because do you get
a choice of who you have?
If... if you had something done
to your face and you go...
You know, it's burned or whatever
or something happens to you
and you need
a face transplant...
Well, if you change... if you
totally changed your appearance,
then you would eventually change
because of how people reacted to you.
- Well, but I'm saying...
- So if you gave yourself
the head of an elephant,
soon you wouldn't...
You wouldn't be
yourself because of the...
I wouldn't have that.
That's what I'm saying.
If they had a catalogue,
and they said,
"here's some faces you can have.
Pick which one you want..."
Yeah.
...Would you be looked upon badly
if you go, "do you know what?
I don't really like
the look of any of them.
"Can I just wait
for a better face?"
Or at this moment in time, have you
just got to take what's on offer?
Karl, there's no one looking
through catalogues at faces
they might be able to have.
No, they do now because of
the face-transplant thing.
But who are these people
putting their face up for...
They wait till someone...
Yeah, I know,
but at some point...
Well, I'll tell you what: I
would not have a face transplant
if I haven't seen the face
before I'm gonna have it.
You are so...
I want to see what I'm having because
I could end up with anything.
You mentioned elephant's head.
What... do you know what I mean?
Whose head are they gonna use?
Is it the latest thing that's died?
"Oh, well, this got
run over before.
Here, I'll stick this
on your head."
- Where did this come from?
- From his mind.
Where are these faces queuing
up to be popped on a skull?
Where do you think they have got
time to, to put all these...
Maybe this is why it won't
catch on. I don't know.
This is extraordinary.
You've created in your own head
the existence of this pamphlet.
And now you're defending it
even though we don't know
if it even exists.
And you're this skull on a... on a
hospital bed going, "I'm not having that.
I don't like the look of it.
I mean, he looks a bit shifty.
Yeah, don't like that one."
Can I ask this now?
Let's say you... we were both...
We'd passed away sadly in
something terribly tragic.
The nation mourned.
You know, it's just terrible.
It's like one of the great
national disasters.
But you... at the same time,
you survived the accident.
Okay? But your face
is hideously disfigured.
You can take either
Ricky's face or mine to have.
I'surprised you're
asking this now, Steve.
I mean... I mean, it's just... it
doesn't seem like any of them
- is like a great option.
- Oh, thanks.
And this is what I'm saying
about the catalogue.
If those... if those two were on offer,
I might go, "do you know what?
Pop in again tomorrow.
Bring in another booklet."
This is from Anne Marie.
She says that she loves the podcast.
She listens with her
seven-months-old baby.
That cannot be a good idea.
"If you had children, what
is the most important lesson
- you'd want to teach them?"
- Uh...
I mean, in a way, if you sort
of look after a kid too much,
it doesn't learn that much.
But if you let it learn
by its mistakes,
it'll probably
grow up all right.
But there are some mistakes you can't
afford it to make to learn from.
Yeah. Driving a car
the wrong way down a motorway.
Testing if the
fire really is hot.
No, but say like the time...
Does broken glass really
taste horrible?
These are lessons you don't
want it to learn from mistakes.
You can tell them that.
But what I mean is...
But what I mean is there's
certain things that...
I just think that there was a kid who
grew up in our... in our Avenue, right,
on the estate,
who, when it was born, right,
we kind of thought,
"he's got no chance, this kid."
'Cause its mom was a bit
of a "wrong'un."
"Wrong'un"?
What is that?
No, just... just like,
you know, she liked going out
and having a fag and, like, having a drink.
And she's never at home.
It's the one who had the...
The horse in the house...
- Sure. - ...
Which I don't want to go over.
- It's old news, yeah.
- It's out there, isn't it?
If you want to find out about
the horse in the house...
She had a kid. And everyone
was pretty surprised
when they saw it 'cause it was
a good-looking kid.
It was a surprise 'cause, like, you know,
the mom wasn't that good looking;
the dad was a bit rough.
But it came out and she was
showing it around...
Around the Avenue going,
"look at this I've had."
And she was... she was
chuffed with it
'cause it waprobably like
one of the newest things
she'd ever had. 'Cause everything
else was always sort of...
Secondhand?
-... secondhand and what have you.
Suddenly she's got this
brand-new little baby, right?
Anyway, as it grew up,
all right,
those looks went.
And I'm not talking getting old;
I'm talking by the age
of about three.
- It looked...
... it looked rough
already, right?
And all that... that just
happened
because that's... that's the
life it was in, right?
Yeah.
So, like, he had like
a patchy head; Its hair...
What?
He had a patchy head?
A patchy head.
It's just sort of...
It wasn't
north American Indian?
What do you mean,
a patchy head?
Just... just his hair
was patchy.
He used to Chase
sort of cars and stuff.
Chase cars? Sorry?
What do you mean?
Just that's what
he did for his...
Sorry, did she let
it get raised by wolves?
No.
But all I'm saying is
that at the end of the day,
what is it that makes a person?
Do you know what I mean?
Now I don't know what state he's in now,
but maybe he learned all his
mistakes by the age of four.
I'm guessing he's not chasing cars now.
But at least he's done it.
- I'm guessing he is.
- Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
At least he can go,
"yeah, I've been there,
done that."
And you don't go back to it.
And you can get away
with doing dafter things when
you're a kid, can't you?
I nearly killed a man once.
Oh, okay, right.
No, that time when I was in...
In wales,
and I was having a walk with me
dad on the cliffs and that...
I just picked up a big rock,
right,
chucked it off the edge.
And as I chucked it off the edge,
i noticed a fellow was
walking down below.
Jeez.
And I missed his
head by, like, inches.
Now I've never chucked a rock off a
bridge or off a cliff or anything.
And it only took one man to
almost lose his life
for you to learn that lesson.
Yeah, but that's how you learn
your lessons, isn't it?
See, a lot of people just
said that maybe your dad
should have said, "hey,
Karl, what you doing?"
No, but he didn't know
I was doing it.
I didn't say, "I'm gonna
Chuck this off here."
I just picked it up
and chucked it.
And as I let go of it, I noticed
the fellow was down there.
You live and you learn.
That's a little mantra.
Right, okay.
You live and you learn. So
the woman who's had the kid,
sort of look after it...
Feed it;
make sure it's got
shoes and that.
- But let it roam about.
- That's great.
- There's the advice for you, Anne Marie.
- I love that.
Good luck. Just let your
seven-month-old baby roam about.
Karl a lot of people are
absolutely fascinated
to find out how you
met Suzanne,
- your girlfriend of how long?
- Ages.
Yeah. And they,
they can't comprehend how...
Well... I suppose that there's
any woman out there who...
There's someone for everyone,
isn't there?
- Yeah.
- That's always my... my thing.
And it's reassuring,
I think, you know?
We chatted about the face
transplants
and that, you know?
There's a face for everyone.
- It's a philosophy, isn't it?
- Yeah.
I mean, it's really
unbelievable.
No, there is someone
for everyone, no matter what...
What condition you're
in or whatever.
'Cause there's...
I read on the email...
Someone emailed in
an old chinese proverb.
It's something about everything,
no matter what it is,
has got one talent. And that's the
same way in a relationship isn't it?
That everyone... you know, there's
always someone out there.
I like the chinese.
There's another chinese proverb
- that I learned on an email.
- Go on.
"He who cuts the wood up
warms himself twice."
- Yeah. That's good. Yeah.
- That's good.
And then someone sent
in that one about,
"too many chinese cooks
spoil the broth."
Well, why is...
Would that...
I don't know who slipped
the word "chinese" in there,
but I think that it's
"too many cooks spoil... "
Well, it was all... it was just all
sort of chinese proverbs and that.
One of my favorite
on the same subject
is, "a camel is a horse
designed by committee."
What do you mean?
Well, it... - I mean,
it's having a go at the camel
and it shouldn't.
But it's just, you know,
it's just a metaphor.
If you wanted to design a horse,
and you had that vision,
but you let... you let 12 people
in the room have their say,
it wouldn't come out as
you wanted it to do.
And it wouldn't be as good.
A vision is more perfect than committee,
because everyone having their
say... it becomes anodyne.
It becomes compromised, whereas
the best thing you can do
is have an idea and have
a vision... an auteur that.
Rick, can I just say now,
I can tell from his look
that he's thinking, "which
committee designed the camel?"
Well, I just say...
I'd say, who...
Why would you request
the hump bit?
'Cause that's just gonna get
in the way, isn't it?
I mean, I've always... I've always
said that about a lot of animals.
It's like we've doubled up
on a lot of them.
We've chatted about
elephants and mammoths.
- One or the other.
And that's the same with...
With a camel.
I'd have it up there as,
"what're they doing?"
They were good years ago
in the Jesus times and that.
Don't need them now.
You know what I mean? We've moved on.
Well, not people who use
camels to cross deserts.
Whatever. I'm gonna... I'm gonna
throw some animals at you,
and you tell how you'd improve them
if you'd have been designing them.
Okay? The octopus.
So I can now go back.
I can look at them
and go,
"what are they doing?"
And where have they gone wrong?
What's up with the...
How could you improve it?
Like the camel, you'd go, "lose the hump."
I'd probably... I'd probably
give it a bit more of a body,
- cut down on the arms...
...And... and give it
some bones.
'Cause I don't understand how all
this getting in a jar is good.
When does he want to get
in a jar?
Well, it only wants
to get in a jar
according to your stories.
No, but there's something
that says it can get in a jar
'cause it hasn't got any bones.
But I don't know why it'd want
to do that in the first place.
I can't even begin
to answer that.
Once again, you've...
You've said...
You've claimed that you've read
that they like to get in jars.
I mean, how do they know that
octopus like to get in jars.
Oh God, I love it.
You can improve on an octopus!
Millions and millions of
years of evolution
making it perfect for
its surroundings.
Okay, another animal
for you then, Karl. Uh...
Giraffe?
What... what are
they adding to the world?
What are they doing?
Well, it's not about what
they add to the world, is it?
But I thought... I thought
that's what everything's about.
It's about things are here
for a reason.
The reason they're here is 'cause
they didn't die. That's it.
No, but there seem to be a lot
of animals that are like...
Do you think there's
a lot of cheating?
Is that what you're saying?
Is there lots of doubling up?
- There seems to be a lot of doubling up.
- Yeah, so you want, you want...
You... you'd get it down
to, like, eight animals
that represented
all of those...
Okay, who would get in your...
In your team?
- You can choose any animal.
- This is what I'm saying.
If I was Noah, I would have
gone like, "hang on a minute.
I've just seen something that
looks a bit like this.
Let it drown
and have a clear out."
But he didn't. He was messing
about saving everything.
He was instructed by God to save
everything, to be fair to him.
Yeah, but if he's been
given that job,
for me, he's sort of
manager of that job.
So you... so you believe
Noah as well?
You believe Noah
happened as well?
And he built a boat big enough
to carry two of every species?
You actually believe that
as fact, do you?
Well, it's out there
in book form.
- Brilliant.
- All right.
Well, you haven't answered the
question that we started with.
- How did you meet Suzanne?
- Just at work.
Thanks.
Oh, chimpanzee that,
monkey news!
There was this airline.
And it was having a lot
of problems and...
- What, pilots too tall?
- Yeah, the cabin was so tiny...
... only bananas were allowed
in the cockpit for fuel.
Anyway, there was a lot of
strikes going on,
right, because... I don't
know what it was about.
It was over money or whatever.
And the...
Well, get someone who
doesn't need money.
But... but what else could
you pay something in, Rick?
- Well, peanuts.
- Peanuts or fruit, yeah.
So anyway, the boss of
the airline,
he had, like, one pilot who
he could trust, right,
- and that was his son.
Right.
But the problem is with a lot of
these planes you need two pilots.
- 'Course you do.
- And he's like, "if only I had two sons."
But he didn't. There's no point
harking on about it, right?
- Sure.
- This is... he runs an airline?
He runs an airline, yeah?
But how many pilots are there?
'Cause there must be loads?
No, there's loads, but the
problem is a lot of them
are going on strike. And each week he
can see that, "we're struggling here.
- We haven't got... "
- Well, just close it down.
- No, you can't do that, Rick.
- No can't...
- Of course you can. - It would cost
him a fortune if he closes it down.
Yeah, but one plane's not gonna make
a difference in an airline, is it?
- No no, it's all the planes.
- It's all the planes, mate.
So the son... he's
flying the planes and that.
He's getting worried
for his dad
'cause of his business...
It's falling apart.
He's like...
Anyway, listen...
One plane won't make
any difference.
"Don't worry about it.
We found someone who you could work with."
He said, "he's staying over near
the sort of quarantine area
where all the animals
are kept."
Oh yeah, right. Okay.
"They won't be looking in there.
They won't bother." So he's like, "all right."
No animal that could be
a co-pilot, that's why.
"I'll see you... he'll meet
up with you in the cockpit.
"He'll meet up in
the cockpit?" Yeah, sure.
So anyway, he gets in there.
He meets him.
At first, a little bit of a shock
who he's gonna be working with.
- Why?
- But he's thinking,
"as long as I can keep my dad's
business alive, I can... "
- Not with one plane.
- Everyone's happy.
Then one day what happens is
a little bit of the problem.
- Oh, dear.
- Well, what happened is
one woman who was on the... on
the plane got a bit peckish...
Right.
...And said to
the air-hostess woman,
"I'm little bit peckish.
Have you got any sort of nibbles and that?"
She went, "no we've got...
Got a sandwich."
She said, "I don't really
want a sandwich.
I want some... you know,
like the usual stuff
that planes give out, just like
a bag of nuts or something."
What, have they not
given those out yet?
So... no, they don't give it... -
For some reason,
she was like, "look, we've
stopped giving out the nuts.
We can get you a sandwich.
And the woman's like,
"I don't want a sandwich.
I just want some nuts.
You know what I mean?
A sandwich is quite a big meal.
I just want some nibbles.
I want some nuts."
"Then that's not available."
Done. End of story.
So she said, "well, you're
saying there aren'any nuts.
But earlier I saw you put a tray
outside the cockpit, right?
It had a sandwich on it, two
cokes and two bags of nuts."
She said, "so you're saying there
aren't any, but the pilots getting... "
"Well, there aren't any now 'cause
that was the last two packets." Done.
- No no, so...
- Let's go home.
"Well, I'll go and have a
word with the pilot myself.
'Cause you only put them out
there a few minutes ago.
- He can't have eaten them... "
- Karl, you cannot... no no.
This is it. She was saying,
"you cannot go over."
- No. Yeah?
- Listen.
- "I'm gonna go over because... "
- "No no, you can't."
- "... I know I've been lied to."
- "No, you can't."
- So she goes.
- There's no way.
- The pilot...
- They can't get in anyway.
... chat about the nuts
and what have you.
And he's thinking,
"what's going on out there?"
He opens the door.
She gets a glance in.
Little monkey's up there
with headphones on.
Fucking bullocks.