The Ricky Gervais Show (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 6 - Cobblers - full transcript
Announcer: For the past few
years ricky gervais,
Stephen merchant,
and karl pilkington
Have been meeting regularly
For a series of pointless
conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right?
Hello and welcome to
"the ricky gervais show"
With me, ricky gervais,
stephen merchant...
Hello. -...And the
little round-headed buffoon
That is karl pilkington.
Hi.
Karl, joe from bradford asks,
"what body parts can you live without?
" he wants to know.
He's obviously having sleepless
nights thinking about this.
What, so--
- The brain.
- He's coped this far.
I did a bit of an
experiment on this.
Brilliant.
It's my job at home to wash up.
Suzanne does-- - she gives you all
the really big responsible ones.
She pays the bills
and wires the house.
And you go, "what can I do?"
"well, you can go and play with
the worms in the garden."
Yeah. - So anyway,
it's my job to wash up and that.
And I thought to make it
interesting and stuff--
I thought, "I wonder
if I can do it
If I didn't have any thumbs."
- And so what did you do?
- So I just sort of--
You sliced off your thumbs.
I just sort of held them in,
And it's amazing how
it took me ages
Just having that one thing gone.
Well, it's part of our evolution-
the opposable thumb.
Basically, that's when we sought--
These are milestones
in human evolution:
The opposable thumb,
The forward-facing eyes,
the upright--
These are massive things
in taking us
Out of the animal kingdom.
And one day, karl,
you'll walk upright.
What do you mean about
eyes facing forward?
You mean before we got
here there was people
Whose eyes were
looking in their head?
So when you were doing this
experiment, washing up,
You say that you
found it difficult.
So you didn't just give up
Once you realized how
essential thumbs were.
You actually washed up everything.
I just think of suzanne
walking in and karl's there
Just covered in water
and fairy liquid suds,
Standing on a pile of
broken crockery.
Yeah, plunging his face into the
sink every 30 seconds
And just swishing his head around.
But we talked about the
washing up thing before
When I look out of the window.
So the sink's in front
of the window. - Yeah.
And that's why I
quite like washing up
Because I can just look out onto the street,
see people going past.
There's a local homeless
fella called franco.
You know, I look out-- that he's
all right and everything.
But I was looking across the way,
right?
And there's some-
there's some chinese people
Who live on-- in a flat,
a really small flat.
And they're up till all hours.
- I don't know what they're doing.
-
But they decide to vac up
At about half 3:00 in the morning
And it was really noisy and that.
But above them there was
some woman who--
The bedroom is on par
- To our kitchen.
- Yeah.
- So I'm washing up...
- Yeah.
...And I look across and
see this woman
With no pants on and that,
No bra on and that.
Naked. - That's the
word you're looking for.
Yeah yeah. She's just wandering
about with nothing on.
So I was like, "oh,
that's all right."
So I carried on washing
up and that
And kept looking.
And then I was looking and
she looked at me.
- So we made eye contact.
- Stephen: Sure.
So I was like, "oh god."
So what I thought the
best thing to do was--
Was sort of drop my
pants a little bit...
Just a little bit.
I had boxer shorts on.
I thought if I just
show a little bit of--
A little bit of ass cheek,
Then it's kind of like we're quits.
I don't understand the thinking.
So suzanne's watching the telly.
I think she's watching "sex
and the city" or something.
She turns around to see how I'm
getting on with the washing up.
She sees me with my pants down a
little bit with my ass out.
She said, "what are you doing?"
I said, "don't look now,
But there's a woman over the road
With no pants on and that.
She caught me looking.
I'm just giving her a bit back."
I love the fact that
he explains the rules
And suzanne's gonna go, "okay.
" - "that makes sense."
But I don't-- so hang on.
You showed a bit of your ass.
You turned presumably
to show the ass.
I had to lift it up a little bit
On the draining board.
What-- hang on though.
What did she do?
Did you register her reaction?
When she saw a bit of your ass,
what happened?
- When she saw my ass?
- Yeah.
Well, then I wasn't looking
because I thought
In a way I don't
want ito look like,
"well, I've seen a bit of your stuff.
Here's a bit of mine."
Just thought, "at the end of the
day I caught a glance of you."
- It's only fair.
- "you've had a bit back."
- You know, I'm not--
- you see, I genuinely think
James stewart missed a trick
here in "rear window." - yeah.
This would have been
a much better film
Had james stewart just
popped his pants down.
It would have given a whole new
meaning to the title "rear window."
- Yeah, exactly.
- It's tricky though.
I seem to be surrounded
by people like that.
Remember that film? That "slither"
or something. - Okay, right.
The one where they've
got video cameras.
I'm just looking onto
everybody's world
And just seeing what
people are getting up to.
- There's nothing wrong with that.
- Ricky: Brilliant.
That's why I like washing up.
We were talking
about famous mantras
- And sayings and things.
- Yeah.
"never has a manc said so much
to so many that means so little."
Brilliant. - So you can
have that on your headstone.
Stephen: Rupert-- - riy:
Your little round headstone.
Rupert's in the isle of man.
He says, "I don't know
if you knew this, karl,
But apparently octopuses' testicles
are located in their heads."
Yeah.
But then to me that
isn't that amazing
Because at the end of
the day an octopus--
Really, all it is is an head,
isn't it?
So everything it's got has to be in
the head? - It has to be in the head.
It'd look daft if it
dangled down below.
-
- karl: Right?
So all it is-- I mean, there's a lot
of facts-- - stephen: Hang on.
It'd look daft it they
dangled down below?
I'm wondering, but that could
almost be the b side to...
b side to "
I could eat a nob at night."
James round says,
"karl, if you could be
Anyone in the world,
who would it be?"
Uh...
Dead or alive?
Why would you choose
to be a dead person?
No, but sometimes there's
people who are now dead,
But everybody raves about them.
What I mean is-- - oh, just answer
the question. Who would you be and why?
It's someone you admire or
you think had a good life.
But what I mean is he's
got to be remembered--
Like winston churchill is
remembered as being a decent bloke,
But I wouldn't want the
hassle that he had.
So I don't wanna
live his life. - Right.
- But he's got to be-
- - you'd like to be winston churchill,
But you'd like to have a paper round
instead of... -
- Saving the world.
- Yeah.
Well, that's what I mean.
But is he saying who uld I wanna-
whose job would I take on?
- It's not that complicated.
- The question is this:
"if he could be anyone in the world,
who would karl be?"
That's the question. That's all
the information I've got.
Whew, a lot of responsibility
on a lot of jobs, isn't there?
Some of the names flowing
through your head now?
Um, I was thinking bruce willis.
I never expected that.
I never expected that.
So what-- so his responsibility
in your mind is what?
Saving people who are trapped in a
building with terrorists?
Well, yeah, maybe.
You know, his worries
are different worries.
With people who have a lot of money
Come other worries.
- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean?
So bruce willis, he's always
going on these marches,
Saying "stop war" and all that...
...Mainly because he's got--
He's got more to lose
if there's a war.
He's got loads of houses.
One of them's gonna get damaged.
Whereas if you're poor,you'.
If there's a war, it's like, "oh,
just hand it off for me then.
I'm sick of it anyway."
- Do you know at I mean?
- Whereas bruce-- yeah.
With successful
life and happy life,
There's more for you to lose
is what I'm saying. - Right.
Like, at the moment, because
I've finished the job that's--
That I've been at for 10 years...
I've finished working there,
so suddenly I've got--
My timetable's a bit out and I
haven't got enough of a routine.
And I'm a man who likes to know what
I'm doing. - Stephen: Yeah.
So now suddenly, I-- - 5 until 7:
Washing up with no thumbs.
I like-- I've sort of
turned into an old person
Where the little jobs that you
shouldn't enjoy are now the main event.
Hold on. How old are you?
- You're 31, aren't you? - 32.
32, and you're pottering around,
Not knowing what to
do with yourself?
Well, like yesterday,
Suzanne's shoes needed to
go to the cobbler's.
I haven't heard the
word "cobbler's"--
I didn't even know
cobblers still existed.
I only ever see that in
christmas films made by disney.
Well, I had to go and do
that and that suddenly--
'cause last time you were going
to the toffee shop. - Yeah.
And w you're going
to the cobbler's.
Next week it's the
candlestick maker.
But all I mean is that suddenly
is a nice little day out.
So I put my coat on, going, "right,
I'm going to the cobbler now."
Tell me about the cobbler.
You didn't come back with
three magic beans, did you?
No, the cobbler's-
cobbler's all right.
He's-- you know, he's doing-
he's fixing shoes and that.
He's cobbling.
He's cobbling all day.
Have I told you about my
uncle alf who was a cobbler?
No. - I'm sure I
told you about him.
He's the one who...
He lived in a bedsit
and he had two tellies.
He had one that--
that the sound didn't work on
And one that the picture didn't.
But both together, it worked.
So as long as he was watching the right-
the same channel on both,
Sound came out of one tellie and
he'd watch the pictu on the other.
Brilliant. - And he
slept in a rubber dinghy.
-
- karl: But he was--
Whoa, you can't
just let that slide.
Why did he sleep
in a rubber dinghy?
Heust liked boats and
stuff and sort of--
Yeah, I like boats,
but they're better on the water.
Beds are better to sleep on.
Boats are better to sail on.
Well, he just had it in a-
it's a bedsit.
- It was really tight spacing.
- Boatsit.
- He's got this--
- he moved into a dinghysit.
He's got this dinghy
so he's thinking,
"well, rather than
it get in the way,
I might as well use it, right?"
But he was a-- he was a cobbler
And he used to repair my
shoes and that, right? - Yeah.
But he'd always
sort of overdo them.
what do you mean?
- Like, uh...
- Fancy.
- Karl: Do you know "pimp my ride" on mtv?
- Ricky: Yeah.
Because he does up shoes.
He'd go mental on them. - What do you mean?
- Ricky: There was the stereo?
- Karl: Well, no.
There was horns?
Stripes down the side.
Here comes mr. Pilkington.
He's got the fastest shoes in the land.
No, he'd just make shoes
that would last forever.
So instead of putting one sole on,
He'd put about five on.
So it looked like one
of them built-up shoes
Thatou never see.
He'd just put loads of stuff-
they'd last forever.
But they looked like
orthopedic shoes.
Yeah yeah, just like the-
suddenly I was 6'7"
Whenever he sorted my shoes out.
But he's a cobbler and it's work
That's always there for you,
isn't it?
- I suppose so.
- So you went out with--
To take suzanne's
shoes to the cobbler.
Yeah, so that's it.
So I just took them to
the cobbler's and that,
And that was a nice
little job for the day.
I got a leaflet through
the door saying,
"if you wanna a walk a dog,
You know, the-
the rates are good."
I don't know what they
pay and that
And I thought, "if I do that
And can get a paper round-
two in one."
Sorry, you just went
from a job, right,
Where you were the
head of production
At a radio station,
Dare I say it,
on-- can I discuss your--
- Well, it was all right wage.
- It was very good.
- But I wasn't happy, so it's pointless.
- No, I know that.
But to go from
The head of a department
on a lot of money
To walking dogs and doing
a paper round
Are-- I don't know--
But it's about being happy,
isn't it?
I know, but-- that's
commendable if that's true.
- But it-- okay.
- That makes you happier?
Well, I haven't-
I haven't walked the dog yet.
- Karl: But I'm just saying if I do-
- -
I mean, I'm not taking it
if it's raining.
I'm just thinking if it's a nice sunny
day and I fancy a potter,
I'll go round to her and say,
"well, how much are you paying?
I'll take the dog a walk.
" - sure.
But I can't believe some of the
words that have cropped up.
"potter," "cobblers,
" "toffee shop."
It-- it's very very strange.
Do you live in narnia?
A lot of people are emailing
in brainy stuff. - Brilliant.
I'm getting a lot of
stuff about philosophy...
- Oh, yeah.
- ...And all that.
Um, "discart"--
That's another one that's
mentioned in an email.
Descartes, the french
philosopher. - Yeah.
What was-- what's your question?
Well, he cropped up on an email.
Someone said,
"what do you think of him?"
And I was like, "oh, I don't know."
He-- famously, he pondered
his own existence.
Cogito ergo sum-- "I think,
therefore I am."
He was thinking about-
he was thinking,
"how do I know all this is true,
everything around me?"
And he thought, "well,
I can see it
And I can smell it and
I can hear it."
And he went, "oh, yeah, my senses can
be fooled. I could be dreaming.
But if I'm dreaming,
then at least I'm alive.
At least I have some sort
of consciousness.
So if I'm even thinking about anything,
you know, I am.
I exist. I think, therefore I am.
Cogito ergo sum."
But we don't need to
know the latin bit.
Why is everyone always going
back to latin? It was ages ago.
Why is that language always being--
And were latin people
always in a rush?
'cause there seems to be
words for four sentences.
Why couldn't they
just set up the time
And say what they wanna say?
- And it's just like what-
- - I'd love you to teach that in--
What about plato?
- Ricky: Right, greek.
- Karl: Right?
Now would you say he's a
bright bloke? - Yes, I would.
I'd say he's a very very
bright bloke.
Right, let me tell you this.
- If he's that bright-
- you know how he got killed? - No.
Got hit on the head by an egg.
fuckin' hell!
Well, he's not so
clever then, is he?
- That's what I'm saying.
- Boo!
What's the story with the egg?
He was on holiday
or something and...
- he was on holiday.
- Ricky: In greece probably.
He was having a walk about
And a bird was flying over the--
This bird was what? A great ork?
What sized bird killed
him with his egg?
- It was a big one, yeah.
- Was it?
- And the way they used to--
- an ostrich on a hang-glider?
The way they used to crack the
eggs open to let the kids out--
They used to drop them on rocks.
what bird is this?
Dropping its egg to
let the kids out.
You're a maniac! You are a maniac!
And plato had a little bald head.
- Right.
- So from the top,
The bird's there looking
down and it goes,
"oh, there's a little rock.
I'll drop the egg."
Hits him on the head. Killed him.
Now this is what I was
saying before about--
Well, I'm letting too much go now
'cause I'm so desensitized
to his nonsense.
I let him go, "the bird saw plato
And said there's a
rock down there."
If these birds are killing people
With bald heads,
you've gotta be terrified.
But listen, this is
what I'm saying though.
Before, about knowledge and that--
How knowledge is hassle
or success is hassle--
That's-- now I think
That was newton-
"knowledge is hassle."
Now why-- but why has
plato's intelligence
Got anything to do with the
fact that this bird dropped--
Because he was intelligent
And he's probably
earning a nice few quid
By giving out whatever
messages he gave out,
He could afford to go on
holiday to exotic places.
If he was working at a factory,
He wouldn't have been
on this beach
With big birds dropping eggs
is what I'm saying.
So in a way it backfired.
His knowledge killed him.
And that, I think,
was kierkegaard--
"his knowledge killed him."
He shouldn't have
been on the beach.
He was only there having a break or
whatever from doing what he does.
It wouldn't have happened
if he wasn't on holiday.
This is an email we've had saying,
"karl, what do you take
by the orwellian saying
'a stitch in time saves nine'?"
Oh, a stitch in time
saves nine. Yeah.
See, it's another one that--
I don't think I've picked
up on a lot of these sayings
That are being thrown about "
willy-nillily."
- Willy-nillily.
- Willy-nillilily.
okay.
Willy-nillily.
No, but I-- again, it's one
of them like-- like last week.
I've heard of it, but--
But what does "willy-nilly" mean?
It just sort of means,
you know, "carefree."
That's right, yeah.
Okay, but what does
"a stitch in time"--
So you understood "willy-nilly."
I mean, you used it-
you said it "willy-nillily."
But you've sort of
got the gist of it.
So what does "a stitch in time
saves nine" mean? - I-- I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know?
Think about it.
A stitch in time saves nine.
- Is it to do with sewing?
- Well, yeah, sort of.
Uh, it's not that clear.
So if you've got
a jacket... - Yeah.
...And the seam starts
coming undone--
"oh, there's a little bit of seam.
I'll leave it."
It's getting worse and worse.
Soon your sleeve falls off.
So you just need one stitch there.
That'd do it.
If you do it now-
later you'll need nine stitches.
And that of course
Is an analogy to other things.
But it depends if you're
busy at that point
Becae if you've got-- if you've got
something else that needs doing,
That means that isn't being done
'cause you're messing about putting--
Sorting out a hole in
your coat is what I mean.
You can't always do
stuff straightaway.
So maybe-- I don't know.
I don't know if there's
a middle ground
Where you don't have
to do it straightaway.
- But stitching--
- a stitch sometime today--
Say in 15 or whatever,
Meaning you don't have
to do it straightaway.
But just do it befe it
gets really bad. - Brilliant.
Do you think yours is less poetic
Than "a stitch in time saves nine"?
So yours is-- this what you
wanted to be a quote, right?
"well, you could do it now.
But if you're doing something else,
then, uh...
You know, look, well-- well,
don't do it immediately,
But do it soon so it doesn't
get really bad."
- Karl pilkington.
- No, but it's the same--
That's the same way I
treat most things in life.
It's like I never go to the
doctor's unless it's really--
That is sensible.
That is very good advice. No--
That's brilliant advice
for anyone listening.
- Never go to the doctor's.
- Unless it's really bad.
But that's why a lot of people die,
Because they don't
wanna bother the doctor
Or they're mildly embarrassed
or they don't know symptoms.
Go to the doctor. If you're
not sure what something--
Like you were terrified to
go and have your prostate--
Still not been.
Not doing it. - Why not?
I wish you wouldn't talk abouit
'cause now suzanne will
listen to this and she'll go,
"yeah, you haven't been,
" and start dragging it up again.
But why are you worried
about a little--
A qualified doct-- - I don't
know what they're doing up there.
- Well, they just put the--
- what year are we in?
They--
What are you talking about?
They put their finger up--
That's what I mean,
though. - Why?
Why are they still using the
index finger? -
What, you'd prefer the
forefinger or the thumb,
- Would you?
- Karl: No.
No, what I mean is we've got--
Or a thumb on a stick?
Some kind of thumb on a stick?
Yeah, would you prefer it to be--
A mechanical thumb? A robot thumb?
Why isn't it just a little camera?
They put the camera up if they
initially discover something.
But just put the camera
up straightaway--
No, they don't need to.
They pop the finger up,
feel that the prostate isn't swollen,
Wiggle it around a little bit up-
up your back passage.
What are you worried about?
I don't think they need to do that.
Are you embarrassed
about being in a room
With your trousers around your ankles,
and a little fellow--
- A little bit.
- Why?
And the other thing is
it's not just that, it?
So you go in there.
They check your heart out,
Which to me is the
most important thing
'cause that's what keeps
you going, isn't it?
- yeah.
- You've gotta go there.
You're sat on the bus
stressing out, thinking,
"o in less than half an hour
I'm gonna have a finger
up my ass."
what is the
problem though?
And you go in,
they check your heart.
They probably check your
testicles and that.
What's up with that?
They check testicles, yeah.
Yeah, but it's all building
and you've sat there going,
"oh, soon that will be happening."
Yeah. - And that's
what puts me off.
So if they just came
round when you're asleep,
Suzanne just let them in and goes,
"he's over there."
And they crept up and went...
... Bang.
You go, "what are you doing?"
I don't understand why they don't
teach you how to do it yourself.
how can they-
how can they teach--
Imagine you squatting in a corner
With one hand on your bullocks
And the other finger up
the ass going,
"it seems to be all right."
Karl, you don't
understand the phrase
"a stitch in time saves nine."
I don't think you
should be doing any kind
Of invasive medical research
in your own human body.
But-- but then-- - who knows
what trouble you're gonna cause?
- No, but then--
- you would get stuck.
Suzanne would come out and your
fist would be up your own ass.
Okay, I think it's probably time--
Let me just check my watch.
Yeah, it's monkey news time.
Oh, chimpanzee that
monkey news, you--
-
-
So this week, anyway, it's about--
It's more about tall buildings
and stuff. - Oh, yeah.
There was this bloke who
was a builder. - Oh, yeah.
And you know what
builders are like.
They sort of move about,
don't they, from--
From building to building,
just building.
Well, yeah, once they built it,
the building's done
- And they move on to build some more.
- Just building, yeah.
So he goes to his next job
and that. - The builder?
- The builder.
- Yep.
He goes to like the--
The boss of this building
who's building it.
- stephen: All right.
Okay, yeah.
And he says what unto him?
"do you need anything building?"
-
- stephen: Okay.
So anyway, so he says, "yeah yeah,
There's plenty of work and
that going about."
He says, "we're working
on this one here."
He said, "get going on it.
Like, there's your bricks and your
cement and stuff. Get on with it."
Karl: So the-- - ricky:
"any plans?" "eh... Just build."
- Stephen: Just start building, yeah.
- Ricky: "go up."
They're getting on with it and stuff.
It's all going well.
But he notices that there's
someone working
High up on the top bit.
So anyway, he's saying the
other workers--
He's going, "what's-
who's that up there?
He's working on his own."
"a little fellow, was he?"
"the little hairy
fellow up there?"
E's the little fellow up there
with the hard hat."
And the other fellows are going, "look,
you know, don't ask questions.
The boss decides who he takes on.
We're happy to be getting
paid here."
"don't ask questions." "well,
I'll see him when he comes down."
So he said, "it's pretty impressive,
the work rate he's doing,
The way he's getting from one
girder to the other."
He's swinging, is he?
"he doesn't seem to be scared
of the heights."
He said, "no, just let him
get on with it.
We work well as a team."
- Karl: So anyway--
- ricky: What nonsense is this?
He believes all this?
So he sees the boss and he goes,
"who's the fellow up there?
He's pretty good."
And he's like, "look,
just get on with the job, yeah?
I'll pay you. Let's just all
get on with our jobs."
Lunchtime comes. They're all sat there,
having their sandwiches.
He's thinking, "
he'll come down in a bit."
- He's just carrying on.
- Stephen: Is he?
Still going and that, right?
So the fellow says to the boss man,
he says,
"isn't that fellow up there
Gonna come down and join
us for lunch?"
He said, "like I said, mate,
Don't worry about him, right?"
He's very secretive.
I'm suspicious about this fellow.
I don't know why he's
working through his lunch,
Why he's swinging
from girder to girder.
It's weird. Go on.
So he said, "oh, anyway,
you've reminded me that he's up there."
He said, "he's doing a lot of
riveting and stuff up there.
He probably needs some
more nuts to--"
Right, sure. And what
kind of nutss that?
Is that nuts to food or--
So he said-- well, nuts.
He said, "yeah, there's a
bagful of them there.
Just put them on the hook,
send them up,
And he can get on with his job."
So anyway, he picks these nuts up,
right?
Just hooks them on. They're not that heavy,
considering--
Normally they're pretty heavy,
aren't they?
The big bolts and stuff.
So anyway, he has a
little glance in.
- Oh, now what's in there?
- Nuts.
What, you mean nuts
that you can eat?
Nuts that you can eat.
So they send the bag up
and he's thinking,
"what's all that about?"
He checks him out,
starts to stare.
It works out he can see that it's a
little chimp running about.
So he goes, "I'm not happy
with this." - why isn't he?
Because he's working for
an organization that's--
There's unions for
this sort of stuff.
yeah, he's not going,
"that's amazing.
They've got a chimp riveting
this building together."
Yeah, that's not scary.
He's worrying if they're
breaking union rules.
So he goes-- - you have
talked some shit now.
He goes to the boss and he goes,
"I've worked out what
you're playing right here."
Is the boss sitting in a tire?
So he goes, "look, we're just all
trying to earn a living here."
He said, "don't get
involved in it.
I'm happy to pay you,
but I'm paying him.
- Don't interfere."
- ricky: He's paying him?
And he's saying, "I'm just not happy
with this. It's not allowed."
So the boss was saying-- - ricky:
"we pay peanuts, we get monkeys."
He said, "to be honest, mate,
You know, he's a great worker.
He's known for doing what he does.
He's a good grafter.
If one of you is gonna go...
" "right."
"I'm afraid I'll have to let
you go 'cause..."
- Stephen: Blimey.
- Karl: "...He's been here longer."
- He was made--
- none of that happened.
- He was laid off.
- None of that happened.
He was laid off and that.
And that's where that saying about
There's a lot of tower
blocks and that in america.
It's like-- a chimp off
the old block is where--
So that's monkey news.
years ricky gervais,
Stephen merchant,
and karl pilkington
Have been meeting regularly
For a series of pointless
conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right?
Hello and welcome to
"the ricky gervais show"
With me, ricky gervais,
stephen merchant...
Hello. -...And the
little round-headed buffoon
That is karl pilkington.
Hi.
Karl, joe from bradford asks,
"what body parts can you live without?
" he wants to know.
He's obviously having sleepless
nights thinking about this.
What, so--
- The brain.
- He's coped this far.
I did a bit of an
experiment on this.
Brilliant.
It's my job at home to wash up.
Suzanne does-- - she gives you all
the really big responsible ones.
She pays the bills
and wires the house.
And you go, "what can I do?"
"well, you can go and play with
the worms in the garden."
Yeah. - So anyway,
it's my job to wash up and that.
And I thought to make it
interesting and stuff--
I thought, "I wonder
if I can do it
If I didn't have any thumbs."
- And so what did you do?
- So I just sort of--
You sliced off your thumbs.
I just sort of held them in,
And it's amazing how
it took me ages
Just having that one thing gone.
Well, it's part of our evolution-
the opposable thumb.
Basically, that's when we sought--
These are milestones
in human evolution:
The opposable thumb,
The forward-facing eyes,
the upright--
These are massive things
in taking us
Out of the animal kingdom.
And one day, karl,
you'll walk upright.
What do you mean about
eyes facing forward?
You mean before we got
here there was people
Whose eyes were
looking in their head?
So when you were doing this
experiment, washing up,
You say that you
found it difficult.
So you didn't just give up
Once you realized how
essential thumbs were.
You actually washed up everything.
I just think of suzanne
walking in and karl's there
Just covered in water
and fairy liquid suds,
Standing on a pile of
broken crockery.
Yeah, plunging his face into the
sink every 30 seconds
And just swishing his head around.
But we talked about the
washing up thing before
When I look out of the window.
So the sink's in front
of the window. - Yeah.
And that's why I
quite like washing up
Because I can just look out onto the street,
see people going past.
There's a local homeless
fella called franco.
You know, I look out-- that he's
all right and everything.
But I was looking across the way,
right?
And there's some-
there's some chinese people
Who live on-- in a flat,
a really small flat.
And they're up till all hours.
- I don't know what they're doing.
-
But they decide to vac up
At about half 3:00 in the morning
And it was really noisy and that.
But above them there was
some woman who--
The bedroom is on par
- To our kitchen.
- Yeah.
- So I'm washing up...
- Yeah.
...And I look across and
see this woman
With no pants on and that,
No bra on and that.
Naked. - That's the
word you're looking for.
Yeah yeah. She's just wandering
about with nothing on.
So I was like, "oh,
that's all right."
So I carried on washing
up and that
And kept looking.
And then I was looking and
she looked at me.
- So we made eye contact.
- Stephen: Sure.
So I was like, "oh god."
So what I thought the
best thing to do was--
Was sort of drop my
pants a little bit...
Just a little bit.
I had boxer shorts on.
I thought if I just
show a little bit of--
A little bit of ass cheek,
Then it's kind of like we're quits.
I don't understand the thinking.
So suzanne's watching the telly.
I think she's watching "sex
and the city" or something.
She turns around to see how I'm
getting on with the washing up.
She sees me with my pants down a
little bit with my ass out.
She said, "what are you doing?"
I said, "don't look now,
But there's a woman over the road
With no pants on and that.
She caught me looking.
I'm just giving her a bit back."
I love the fact that
he explains the rules
And suzanne's gonna go, "okay.
" - "that makes sense."
But I don't-- so hang on.
You showed a bit of your ass.
You turned presumably
to show the ass.
I had to lift it up a little bit
On the draining board.
What-- hang on though.
What did she do?
Did you register her reaction?
When she saw a bit of your ass,
what happened?
- When she saw my ass?
- Yeah.
Well, then I wasn't looking
because I thought
In a way I don't
want ito look like,
"well, I've seen a bit of your stuff.
Here's a bit of mine."
Just thought, "at the end of the
day I caught a glance of you."
- It's only fair.
- "you've had a bit back."
- You know, I'm not--
- you see, I genuinely think
James stewart missed a trick
here in "rear window." - yeah.
This would have been
a much better film
Had james stewart just
popped his pants down.
It would have given a whole new
meaning to the title "rear window."
- Yeah, exactly.
- It's tricky though.
I seem to be surrounded
by people like that.
Remember that film? That "slither"
or something. - Okay, right.
The one where they've
got video cameras.
I'm just looking onto
everybody's world
And just seeing what
people are getting up to.
- There's nothing wrong with that.
- Ricky: Brilliant.
That's why I like washing up.
We were talking
about famous mantras
- And sayings and things.
- Yeah.
"never has a manc said so much
to so many that means so little."
Brilliant. - So you can
have that on your headstone.
Stephen: Rupert-- - riy:
Your little round headstone.
Rupert's in the isle of man.
He says, "I don't know
if you knew this, karl,
But apparently octopuses' testicles
are located in their heads."
Yeah.
But then to me that
isn't that amazing
Because at the end of
the day an octopus--
Really, all it is is an head,
isn't it?
So everything it's got has to be in
the head? - It has to be in the head.
It'd look daft if it
dangled down below.
-
- karl: Right?
So all it is-- I mean, there's a lot
of facts-- - stephen: Hang on.
It'd look daft it they
dangled down below?
I'm wondering, but that could
almost be the b side to...
b side to "
I could eat a nob at night."
James round says,
"karl, if you could be
Anyone in the world,
who would it be?"
Uh...
Dead or alive?
Why would you choose
to be a dead person?
No, but sometimes there's
people who are now dead,
But everybody raves about them.
What I mean is-- - oh, just answer
the question. Who would you be and why?
It's someone you admire or
you think had a good life.
But what I mean is he's
got to be remembered--
Like winston churchill is
remembered as being a decent bloke,
But I wouldn't want the
hassle that he had.
So I don't wanna
live his life. - Right.
- But he's got to be-
- - you'd like to be winston churchill,
But you'd like to have a paper round
instead of... -
- Saving the world.
- Yeah.
Well, that's what I mean.
But is he saying who uld I wanna-
whose job would I take on?
- It's not that complicated.
- The question is this:
"if he could be anyone in the world,
who would karl be?"
That's the question. That's all
the information I've got.
Whew, a lot of responsibility
on a lot of jobs, isn't there?
Some of the names flowing
through your head now?
Um, I was thinking bruce willis.
I never expected that.
I never expected that.
So what-- so his responsibility
in your mind is what?
Saving people who are trapped in a
building with terrorists?
Well, yeah, maybe.
You know, his worries
are different worries.
With people who have a lot of money
Come other worries.
- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean?
So bruce willis, he's always
going on these marches,
Saying "stop war" and all that...
...Mainly because he's got--
He's got more to lose
if there's a war.
He's got loads of houses.
One of them's gonna get damaged.
Whereas if you're poor,you'.
If there's a war, it's like, "oh,
just hand it off for me then.
I'm sick of it anyway."
- Do you know at I mean?
- Whereas bruce-- yeah.
With successful
life and happy life,
There's more for you to lose
is what I'm saying. - Right.
Like, at the moment, because
I've finished the job that's--
That I've been at for 10 years...
I've finished working there,
so suddenly I've got--
My timetable's a bit out and I
haven't got enough of a routine.
And I'm a man who likes to know what
I'm doing. - Stephen: Yeah.
So now suddenly, I-- - 5 until 7:
Washing up with no thumbs.
I like-- I've sort of
turned into an old person
Where the little jobs that you
shouldn't enjoy are now the main event.
Hold on. How old are you?
- You're 31, aren't you? - 32.
32, and you're pottering around,
Not knowing what to
do with yourself?
Well, like yesterday,
Suzanne's shoes needed to
go to the cobbler's.
I haven't heard the
word "cobbler's"--
I didn't even know
cobblers still existed.
I only ever see that in
christmas films made by disney.
Well, I had to go and do
that and that suddenly--
'cause last time you were going
to the toffee shop. - Yeah.
And w you're going
to the cobbler's.
Next week it's the
candlestick maker.
But all I mean is that suddenly
is a nice little day out.
So I put my coat on, going, "right,
I'm going to the cobbler now."
Tell me about the cobbler.
You didn't come back with
three magic beans, did you?
No, the cobbler's-
cobbler's all right.
He's-- you know, he's doing-
he's fixing shoes and that.
He's cobbling.
He's cobbling all day.
Have I told you about my
uncle alf who was a cobbler?
No. - I'm sure I
told you about him.
He's the one who...
He lived in a bedsit
and he had two tellies.
He had one that--
that the sound didn't work on
And one that the picture didn't.
But both together, it worked.
So as long as he was watching the right-
the same channel on both,
Sound came out of one tellie and
he'd watch the pictu on the other.
Brilliant. - And he
slept in a rubber dinghy.
-
- karl: But he was--
Whoa, you can't
just let that slide.
Why did he sleep
in a rubber dinghy?
Heust liked boats and
stuff and sort of--
Yeah, I like boats,
but they're better on the water.
Beds are better to sleep on.
Boats are better to sail on.
Well, he just had it in a-
it's a bedsit.
- It was really tight spacing.
- Boatsit.
- He's got this--
- he moved into a dinghysit.
He's got this dinghy
so he's thinking,
"well, rather than
it get in the way,
I might as well use it, right?"
But he was a-- he was a cobbler
And he used to repair my
shoes and that, right? - Yeah.
But he'd always
sort of overdo them.
what do you mean?
- Like, uh...
- Fancy.
- Karl: Do you know "pimp my ride" on mtv?
- Ricky: Yeah.
Because he does up shoes.
He'd go mental on them. - What do you mean?
- Ricky: There was the stereo?
- Karl: Well, no.
There was horns?
Stripes down the side.
Here comes mr. Pilkington.
He's got the fastest shoes in the land.
No, he'd just make shoes
that would last forever.
So instead of putting one sole on,
He'd put about five on.
So it looked like one
of them built-up shoes
Thatou never see.
He'd just put loads of stuff-
they'd last forever.
But they looked like
orthopedic shoes.
Yeah yeah, just like the-
suddenly I was 6'7"
Whenever he sorted my shoes out.
But he's a cobbler and it's work
That's always there for you,
isn't it?
- I suppose so.
- So you went out with--
To take suzanne's
shoes to the cobbler.
Yeah, so that's it.
So I just took them to
the cobbler's and that,
And that was a nice
little job for the day.
I got a leaflet through
the door saying,
"if you wanna a walk a dog,
You know, the-
the rates are good."
I don't know what they
pay and that
And I thought, "if I do that
And can get a paper round-
two in one."
Sorry, you just went
from a job, right,
Where you were the
head of production
At a radio station,
Dare I say it,
on-- can I discuss your--
- Well, it was all right wage.
- It was very good.
- But I wasn't happy, so it's pointless.
- No, I know that.
But to go from
The head of a department
on a lot of money
To walking dogs and doing
a paper round
Are-- I don't know--
But it's about being happy,
isn't it?
I know, but-- that's
commendable if that's true.
- But it-- okay.
- That makes you happier?
Well, I haven't-
I haven't walked the dog yet.
- Karl: But I'm just saying if I do-
- -
I mean, I'm not taking it
if it's raining.
I'm just thinking if it's a nice sunny
day and I fancy a potter,
I'll go round to her and say,
"well, how much are you paying?
I'll take the dog a walk.
" - sure.
But I can't believe some of the
words that have cropped up.
"potter," "cobblers,
" "toffee shop."
It-- it's very very strange.
Do you live in narnia?
A lot of people are emailing
in brainy stuff. - Brilliant.
I'm getting a lot of
stuff about philosophy...
- Oh, yeah.
- ...And all that.
Um, "discart"--
That's another one that's
mentioned in an email.
Descartes, the french
philosopher. - Yeah.
What was-- what's your question?
Well, he cropped up on an email.
Someone said,
"what do you think of him?"
And I was like, "oh, I don't know."
He-- famously, he pondered
his own existence.
Cogito ergo sum-- "I think,
therefore I am."
He was thinking about-
he was thinking,
"how do I know all this is true,
everything around me?"
And he thought, "well,
I can see it
And I can smell it and
I can hear it."
And he went, "oh, yeah, my senses can
be fooled. I could be dreaming.
But if I'm dreaming,
then at least I'm alive.
At least I have some sort
of consciousness.
So if I'm even thinking about anything,
you know, I am.
I exist. I think, therefore I am.
Cogito ergo sum."
But we don't need to
know the latin bit.
Why is everyone always going
back to latin? It was ages ago.
Why is that language always being--
And were latin people
always in a rush?
'cause there seems to be
words for four sentences.
Why couldn't they
just set up the time
And say what they wanna say?
- And it's just like what-
- - I'd love you to teach that in--
What about plato?
- Ricky: Right, greek.
- Karl: Right?
Now would you say he's a
bright bloke? - Yes, I would.
I'd say he's a very very
bright bloke.
Right, let me tell you this.
- If he's that bright-
- you know how he got killed? - No.
Got hit on the head by an egg.
fuckin' hell!
Well, he's not so
clever then, is he?
- That's what I'm saying.
- Boo!
What's the story with the egg?
He was on holiday
or something and...
- he was on holiday.
- Ricky: In greece probably.
He was having a walk about
And a bird was flying over the--
This bird was what? A great ork?
What sized bird killed
him with his egg?
- It was a big one, yeah.
- Was it?
- And the way they used to--
- an ostrich on a hang-glider?
The way they used to crack the
eggs open to let the kids out--
They used to drop them on rocks.
what bird is this?
Dropping its egg to
let the kids out.
You're a maniac! You are a maniac!
And plato had a little bald head.
- Right.
- So from the top,
The bird's there looking
down and it goes,
"oh, there's a little rock.
I'll drop the egg."
Hits him on the head. Killed him.
Now this is what I was
saying before about--
Well, I'm letting too much go now
'cause I'm so desensitized
to his nonsense.
I let him go, "the bird saw plato
And said there's a
rock down there."
If these birds are killing people
With bald heads,
you've gotta be terrified.
But listen, this is
what I'm saying though.
Before, about knowledge and that--
How knowledge is hassle
or success is hassle--
That's-- now I think
That was newton-
"knowledge is hassle."
Now why-- but why has
plato's intelligence
Got anything to do with the
fact that this bird dropped--
Because he was intelligent
And he's probably
earning a nice few quid
By giving out whatever
messages he gave out,
He could afford to go on
holiday to exotic places.
If he was working at a factory,
He wouldn't have been
on this beach
With big birds dropping eggs
is what I'm saying.
So in a way it backfired.
His knowledge killed him.
And that, I think,
was kierkegaard--
"his knowledge killed him."
He shouldn't have
been on the beach.
He was only there having a break or
whatever from doing what he does.
It wouldn't have happened
if he wasn't on holiday.
This is an email we've had saying,
"karl, what do you take
by the orwellian saying
'a stitch in time saves nine'?"
Oh, a stitch in time
saves nine. Yeah.
See, it's another one that--
I don't think I've picked
up on a lot of these sayings
That are being thrown about "
willy-nillily."
- Willy-nillily.
- Willy-nillilily.
okay.
Willy-nillily.
No, but I-- again, it's one
of them like-- like last week.
I've heard of it, but--
But what does "willy-nilly" mean?
It just sort of means,
you know, "carefree."
That's right, yeah.
Okay, but what does
"a stitch in time"--
So you understood "willy-nilly."
I mean, you used it-
you said it "willy-nillily."
But you've sort of
got the gist of it.
So what does "a stitch in time
saves nine" mean? - I-- I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know?
Think about it.
A stitch in time saves nine.
- Is it to do with sewing?
- Well, yeah, sort of.
Uh, it's not that clear.
So if you've got
a jacket... - Yeah.
...And the seam starts
coming undone--
"oh, there's a little bit of seam.
I'll leave it."
It's getting worse and worse.
Soon your sleeve falls off.
So you just need one stitch there.
That'd do it.
If you do it now-
later you'll need nine stitches.
And that of course
Is an analogy to other things.
But it depends if you're
busy at that point
Becae if you've got-- if you've got
something else that needs doing,
That means that isn't being done
'cause you're messing about putting--
Sorting out a hole in
your coat is what I mean.
You can't always do
stuff straightaway.
So maybe-- I don't know.
I don't know if there's
a middle ground
Where you don't have
to do it straightaway.
- But stitching--
- a stitch sometime today--
Say in 15 or whatever,
Meaning you don't have
to do it straightaway.
But just do it befe it
gets really bad. - Brilliant.
Do you think yours is less poetic
Than "a stitch in time saves nine"?
So yours is-- this what you
wanted to be a quote, right?
"well, you could do it now.
But if you're doing something else,
then, uh...
You know, look, well-- well,
don't do it immediately,
But do it soon so it doesn't
get really bad."
- Karl pilkington.
- No, but it's the same--
That's the same way I
treat most things in life.
It's like I never go to the
doctor's unless it's really--
That is sensible.
That is very good advice. No--
That's brilliant advice
for anyone listening.
- Never go to the doctor's.
- Unless it's really bad.
But that's why a lot of people die,
Because they don't
wanna bother the doctor
Or they're mildly embarrassed
or they don't know symptoms.
Go to the doctor. If you're
not sure what something--
Like you were terrified to
go and have your prostate--
Still not been.
Not doing it. - Why not?
I wish you wouldn't talk abouit
'cause now suzanne will
listen to this and she'll go,
"yeah, you haven't been,
" and start dragging it up again.
But why are you worried
about a little--
A qualified doct-- - I don't
know what they're doing up there.
- Well, they just put the--
- what year are we in?
They--
What are you talking about?
They put their finger up--
That's what I mean,
though. - Why?
Why are they still using the
index finger? -
What, you'd prefer the
forefinger or the thumb,
- Would you?
- Karl: No.
No, what I mean is we've got--
Or a thumb on a stick?
Some kind of thumb on a stick?
Yeah, would you prefer it to be--
A mechanical thumb? A robot thumb?
Why isn't it just a little camera?
They put the camera up if they
initially discover something.
But just put the camera
up straightaway--
No, they don't need to.
They pop the finger up,
feel that the prostate isn't swollen,
Wiggle it around a little bit up-
up your back passage.
What are you worried about?
I don't think they need to do that.
Are you embarrassed
about being in a room
With your trousers around your ankles,
and a little fellow--
- A little bit.
- Why?
And the other thing is
it's not just that, it?
So you go in there.
They check your heart out,
Which to me is the
most important thing
'cause that's what keeps
you going, isn't it?
- yeah.
- You've gotta go there.
You're sat on the bus
stressing out, thinking,
"o in less than half an hour
I'm gonna have a finger
up my ass."
what is the
problem though?
And you go in,
they check your heart.
They probably check your
testicles and that.
What's up with that?
They check testicles, yeah.
Yeah, but it's all building
and you've sat there going,
"oh, soon that will be happening."
Yeah. - And that's
what puts me off.
So if they just came
round when you're asleep,
Suzanne just let them in and goes,
"he's over there."
And they crept up and went...
... Bang.
You go, "what are you doing?"
I don't understand why they don't
teach you how to do it yourself.
how can they-
how can they teach--
Imagine you squatting in a corner
With one hand on your bullocks
And the other finger up
the ass going,
"it seems to be all right."
Karl, you don't
understand the phrase
"a stitch in time saves nine."
I don't think you
should be doing any kind
Of invasive medical research
in your own human body.
But-- but then-- - who knows
what trouble you're gonna cause?
- No, but then--
- you would get stuck.
Suzanne would come out and your
fist would be up your own ass.
Okay, I think it's probably time--
Let me just check my watch.
Yeah, it's monkey news time.
Oh, chimpanzee that
monkey news, you--
-
-
So this week, anyway, it's about--
It's more about tall buildings
and stuff. - Oh, yeah.
There was this bloke who
was a builder. - Oh, yeah.
And you know what
builders are like.
They sort of move about,
don't they, from--
From building to building,
just building.
Well, yeah, once they built it,
the building's done
- And they move on to build some more.
- Just building, yeah.
So he goes to his next job
and that. - The builder?
- The builder.
- Yep.
He goes to like the--
The boss of this building
who's building it.
- stephen: All right.
Okay, yeah.
And he says what unto him?
"do you need anything building?"
-
- stephen: Okay.
So anyway, so he says, "yeah yeah,
There's plenty of work and
that going about."
He says, "we're working
on this one here."
He said, "get going on it.
Like, there's your bricks and your
cement and stuff. Get on with it."
Karl: So the-- - ricky:
"any plans?" "eh... Just build."
- Stephen: Just start building, yeah.
- Ricky: "go up."
They're getting on with it and stuff.
It's all going well.
But he notices that there's
someone working
High up on the top bit.
So anyway, he's saying the
other workers--
He's going, "what's-
who's that up there?
He's working on his own."
"a little fellow, was he?"
"the little hairy
fellow up there?"
E's the little fellow up there
with the hard hat."
And the other fellows are going, "look,
you know, don't ask questions.
The boss decides who he takes on.
We're happy to be getting
paid here."
"don't ask questions." "well,
I'll see him when he comes down."
So he said, "it's pretty impressive,
the work rate he's doing,
The way he's getting from one
girder to the other."
He's swinging, is he?
"he doesn't seem to be scared
of the heights."
He said, "no, just let him
get on with it.
We work well as a team."
- Karl: So anyway--
- ricky: What nonsense is this?
He believes all this?
So he sees the boss and he goes,
"who's the fellow up there?
He's pretty good."
And he's like, "look,
just get on with the job, yeah?
I'll pay you. Let's just all
get on with our jobs."
Lunchtime comes. They're all sat there,
having their sandwiches.
He's thinking, "
he'll come down in a bit."
- He's just carrying on.
- Stephen: Is he?
Still going and that, right?
So the fellow says to the boss man,
he says,
"isn't that fellow up there
Gonna come down and join
us for lunch?"
He said, "like I said, mate,
Don't worry about him, right?"
He's very secretive.
I'm suspicious about this fellow.
I don't know why he's
working through his lunch,
Why he's swinging
from girder to girder.
It's weird. Go on.
So he said, "oh, anyway,
you've reminded me that he's up there."
He said, "he's doing a lot of
riveting and stuff up there.
He probably needs some
more nuts to--"
Right, sure. And what
kind of nutss that?
Is that nuts to food or--
So he said-- well, nuts.
He said, "yeah, there's a
bagful of them there.
Just put them on the hook,
send them up,
And he can get on with his job."
So anyway, he picks these nuts up,
right?
Just hooks them on. They're not that heavy,
considering--
Normally they're pretty heavy,
aren't they?
The big bolts and stuff.
So anyway, he has a
little glance in.
- Oh, now what's in there?
- Nuts.
What, you mean nuts
that you can eat?
Nuts that you can eat.
So they send the bag up
and he's thinking,
"what's all that about?"
He checks him out,
starts to stare.
It works out he can see that it's a
little chimp running about.
So he goes, "I'm not happy
with this." - why isn't he?
Because he's working for
an organization that's--
There's unions for
this sort of stuff.
yeah, he's not going,
"that's amazing.
They've got a chimp riveting
this building together."
Yeah, that's not scary.
He's worrying if they're
breaking union rules.
So he goes-- - you have
talked some shit now.
He goes to the boss and he goes,
"I've worked out what
you're playing right here."
Is the boss sitting in a tire?
So he goes, "look, we're just all
trying to earn a living here."
He said, "don't get
involved in it.
I'm happy to pay you,
but I'm paying him.
- Don't interfere."
- ricky: He's paying him?
And he's saying, "I'm just not happy
with this. It's not allowed."
So the boss was saying-- - ricky:
"we pay peanuts, we get monkeys."
He said, "to be honest, mate,
You know, he's a great worker.
He's known for doing what he does.
He's a good grafter.
If one of you is gonna go...
" "right."
"I'm afraid I'll have to let
you go 'cause..."
- Stephen: Blimey.
- Karl: "...He's been here longer."
- He was made--
- none of that happened.
- He was laid off.
- None of that happened.
He was laid off and that.
And that's where that saying about
There's a lot of tower
blocks and that in america.
It's like-- a chimp off
the old block is where--
So that's monkey news.