The Ricky Gervais Show (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 5 - Glass Houses - full transcript

For the past few years
ricky gervais,

Stephen merchant,
and karl pilkington

Have been meeting regularly

For a series of pointless
conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

Hello and welcome to
"the ricky gervais show"

With me, ricky gervais,
stephen merchant...

Hello. -...And the little
round-headed buffoon

That is karl pilkington.

Hi.



We've got a little email
straightaway, karl,

From nikki in beverly hills,
california.

She says, "karl, you rock.

I hate it when ricky
and steve ridicule you.

I checked out your picture.

Although your head is not normal,

That's no reason to ridicule you.

You look gimp, but I never
judge a book by the cover."

Cheers. - That's all
you've got to say?

Well, it's only 'cause I've
got no hair though, isn't it?

That's why it gives that effect.

No, it's perfectly round,
your head.

It's a perfectly spherical head.

Your face is slightly
too big for it.



It almost goes over the sides.

Perfectly round head,
pug little nose,

Funny gimp eyes with
no expression,

Hangdog look,

Like a lite mouth-
like a little lamprey,

Not formed, not human formed,

The way your expression is like
you've had a lobotomy.

Your head goes weird at the back.

It's got a little
knot in it like a--

It's really strange, your face.

And you're stupid. - We've had
a lot of emails saying that.

I think he's just
paraphrasing, but...

Talking of emails,
you know, a couple of--

I can't remember which show it was,
but you mentioned, karl,

That you'd only recently seen
a chinese homeless person.

Oh, yeah. - And it
really surprised you

'cause you'd never seen a
chinese homeless person.

And I actually went
along with that.

I've never-- I've still never
seen a chinese homeless person.

I can just tell you now the--

There's a few responses
from los angeles,

People saying there are quite a lot

Of chinese homeless
people over there because

There's a huge homeless
community in los angeles.

So if you wanna see them, karl,
that's the place to go.

But we have one from vancouver,
canada, from a girl called amy.

And amy herself is
chinese and she says that

She realized herself that she'd never
really seen a chinese homeless person.

And although she says
that apparently vancouver

Has the first or second largest chinese
population in canada, she'd never seen them.

And she actually went for a walk

Around the chinatown in her area,

Looking for them...

And she could not find any
on that particular day.

So again, canada--

Obviously not a place to
go for chinese homeless.

It was just a point though.
I don't want people sort of--

Well, hold on there, wait.
I'll stop you there.

"hello, ricky, steve and karl.

I live in new york city and have
seen a chinese homeless person.

Not only is he chinese
but he's also a midget.

He's been living on the
streets for the last 30 years.

He used to dress in rags,
but thanks to a coat drive,

He's now wearing a
fancy adidas jacket."

Now he encloses a picture.

He says he gave him 10 bucks

To take the picture,
and I've seen it

And he's a little chinese
midget fella.

I'm just a bit worried that
people are going out there

Sort of looking for these

Because-- - well,
that's what you requested.

No no no, but all I was
saying is I saw one.

I didn't start saying, "excuse me,
can you just give us a smile?

I'm taking your picture.
" - we've had loads of pictures of people.

I know, and it worries
me a little bit.

It's not too bad about the one who
took one of the little midget one

'cause it-- if he'd kicked off,

It'd be quite easy to
hold him back.

But I'm talking about
fully grown--

So is that your warning to people?

"don't be taking pictures

Of fully grown chinese homeless"?

Well, yeah, I'm just saying

Don't be messing about,
going up to strangers and that,

And annoying them and stuff, right?

Well, I think that's a good rule
of thumb-- don't annoy them.

But that is a hell of
a sighting, isn't it?

We ask for a chinese homeless

And they gave us a
chinese midget homeless.

Many of the listeners
are aware, karl,

That you're sort of
fascinated by smaller people.

Well, he's fascinated by difference,
I think. - Yes.

I don't think he's
having a go at people.

When you--
when you stare at someone

'cause they don't look like you--

And let's face it,
most people don't--

You're not having a go, are you?

Well, it's like I said,
the first time I saw steve

I was never having a go.

It was just, "oh,
that's different."

But you know, steve,
it was never having a go.

It's just that thing of, "oh,
all right, interesting.

- What do you mean?
- No, just, you know, with--

I've said before about
I've got used to it and--

Steve? Got used to it?
What do you--

Well, you know my
feeling with this.

I don't know where he's
coming from with it.

But steve knows I'm not
having a go. - Yeah.

Karl used to carry around
a book that was called

"the top 50 freaks of all te."

It's interesting you
should mention that

Because we actually had
an email from ritchie

Who says that he's been a
fan of ours for many years.

And he's listened to lots of the
radio shows you've done in the past.

And he says, "of all the people
you've discussed, karl, in the past,

Including some of the people
from your odd magazines,

Who would you most like
to spend the day with

Of all those people that
you've encountered?"

Um, favorite-- favorite of all...

Certainly who you would
want to spend time with,

Who you feel would be the most fascinating,
the most interesting--

I mean, just recapll--

There's pillow man,
the bloke with no arms and no legs

- That can roll a cigarette with his mouth.
- Karl: Yeah...

- Not impressed with him?
- That's not sufficient.

- What about the three-legged juggler?
- Hang on. Let's recap.

- This was a man with three legs?
- Three legs.

- And, uh, he said his job-
- he became a juggler... - Okay.

...Not using the-
the gift that he's been given.

- So what are you suggesting?
- Anything--

Running, swimmer.

- Just, you know.
- Yeah.

Uh, but what are the others?
What are the other ones?

There was a picture of a gentleman.

You were fascinated by him.
He used to play the piano.

He's got a tiny head, doesn't he?

Oh, yeah, that's that-
that's the one who--

- He sort of ages fast.
- Right.

So every other week he's
having a birthday and stuff.

And, yeah, that was weird.

He's not having a
birthday every other week.

His body's just aged,
so it has the appearance--

His biology is sort of like-
like he's 70,

But he's only 15.

He doesn't-- they don't
have a birthday every week.

You idiot.

Yeah, I don't know about knocking
about with one a long time though.

Only for a day. - Supposed
it depends on what I'm up to.

Because if we're
going out and about,

The pillow man would
just be a bit of a drag.

Whereas--

Whereas if you're going
for a walk across--

The three-legged guy-- ideal.

- So, yeah.
- Oh, brilliant.

Lots and lots of people emailing
just with questions for karl.

Just a couple of quick
ones for you, karl.

Wendy says, "if karl had to eat

The same dinner every day
for the rest of his life,

What would-- what would he eat?"

Um, you see, it depends,
doesn't it?

I mainly eat just so I keep going.

M not that bothered about--

'cause I don't really taste it anyway.
I shove it down.

You're like a-
what? You're like a horse?

I mean, to be honest,

It annoys me the way
people worry about food now

And how there's so
much to choose from.

I think it's gotten out of hand.

Any form of choice really worries you,
doesn't it?

You don't like choice.

No, choice is good,
but not too much.

It's like with anything now.

If you go into a toffee shop,

- There's like loads--
- sorry.

Where are you going
to find a toffee shop?

So you're in-
you're in a fairy tale.

Yeah yeah yeah. You're in-
you're in a dickens tale

In the 19th century.

You're in "shrek" and you--

Yeah, and you go into
a toffee shop.

What I'm saying-- you go
into a shop full of toffee--

You've just come from the
candlestick maker. -

You go in there and there's
just too much choice.

It's like what-
and I can stand there

Up to four minutes sort of going--

- Up to four minutes.
- So specific.

Four minutes. - So he's in a
toffee shop in a top hat going--

He's only got four minutes
because he's gotta get

Into the pea green boat
that he's sailing off in.

"good morrow." - karl: Well,
forget the toffee shop.

"could I have some of your finest
oxfordshire toffees?"

So you'd prefer it was just
one selection of toffee?

Well, maybe two.

What I'm saying is there's
now too much choice.

Whenever you get a
menu in a restaurant,

It's not like-- you don't just go,

"oh, right, what is there? Yeah,
I'll have that."

There's too much. It's like a book
now when you look at it all.

And then you've got
to that point now

That people are even taking
a risk when they're eating.

What do you mean?

You know, in japan
or china or something

They're eating that fish that
if it's not cooked right

It can kill you.

Not worth the risk when there's
so many other fish.

Yeah, I agree.
Why do they-- - have mackerel.

Have a bit of cod or whatever.

As soon as there's a risk,
take it off.

- Take it off the menu.
- I agree. I totally agree.

- Not worth it.
- What--

"we've got a fish that might
or might not kill you."

"is there anything that definitely won't
kill you?" "chicken won't kill you."

- Stephen: "I'll have that."
- that's what I'm saying.

But anyway, we were talking
about sayings and that.

Um, a stitch in time saves nine.

Don't-- you know, I'm never gonna use that,
I don't think anyways.

It's an example of-- - you're never
gonna understand it fully, are you?

Suzanne repairs my stuff anyway,

So it doesn't really matter.

But what about the one-- um,
about the warning

In greenhouses and that, you know?

People who live in glass
houses shouldn't throw stones.

I'm intrigued to know if he's
fully got to grips with this.

Just give us your explanation again

Of what you'd take that to mean.

Well, just don't be
chucking stuff about.

Well, if that was it,
they'd just say that.

No no, but that
saying's been around

A lot longer than we think.

That's when people
probably did live

In basic glass houses and stuff.

- No, whoa whoa whoa.
- What they mean now--

Who has ever lived
in a glass house?

So cavemen went from rock

To a nice crystal structure,
did they?

When did people live
in glass houses?

Well, no. What they mean now--

When that saying is
used now they mean

Sort of plasma tellies,

- Uh, ornaments.
- No, they don't.

They're saying don't chuck stuff
about 'cause you'll break it.

It's not about damaging
your own property.

They don't mean you go
inside the glass house,

Throwing rocks inside
your own glass house.

It's a metaphor!

Karl, what is an analogy?

Uh, it's sort of like a
little story told quickly...

Isn't it?

It's a little story told quickly.

To what end?

Well, it depends what the story is.

You see, I just prefer sort of

What you say is what you mean,
so people in--

Who live in a glass house
have to answer the door.

I don't know wt that means.

I don't know what that means.
I mean, you--

You may be a geniusbecaus.

People who live in glass
houses have to answer the dr.

Okay, let's hear his explanation.

Because the people knocking at
the door will be able to see you.

stephen: But you have to
add other caveats.

If you live in a glass house,
don't walk around naked.

- Stephen: If you live in-
- - ricky: These are literal.

But just the idea that in your head

There should be sayings for
people who live in glass houses...

Who is it that's living
in a glass house?

No, well, it-
I'm not talking about me.

If everyone else is bringing up

About these people who are
living in glass houses,

Let's get to the real
problems they've got.

He still hasn't got
to grips with the idea

Of the metaphoror the simile.

Well, here's another saying

That I learned recently
from a mate, right?

Um...

There's an elephant in the room.

Okay, I haven't heard that one,
but explain it to me.

It's like how you--

Whenever we go out for something
to eat or a drink or something,

Normally after about five minutes

The sort of topic gets on
to the shape of my head.

Yeah yeah.

But what I'm saying
is it's interesting

How I'm the elephant
in the room, right?

Nobody's talking about it.
You mention it once,

Suddenly it's the talk
of the town.

Everybody starts joining in,
going,

"well, yeah, it is round,
but it does suit, yeah."

And these are people who I don't
even know sometimes,

And they're all dipping in.

And that is an elephant
in the room.

So you don't want people to discuss

The shape of your head
or the lack of hair.

You would feel happier if
they didn't mention it.

Sometimes I think it's
better that it's out there.

It's made me a stronger person now.

It's the same way--

We were talking about
religion and that,

- Samson and delilah.
- Ricky: Yeah.

He got weaker without hair.

Whereas with me, I think
it's made me stronger.

But would you ever wear a wig?

Um, not really.

What if it was a long wig,
like samson?

Well, the only time I wanted a wig

Was when I did jury duty once.

And it was annoying that
I was sat on the jury

Right in front of these
criminals, right?

Everybody else has got disguises.

The judges have
them wigs on, right?

- That's not disguises!
- That's a disguise.

That's why judges wear them,
right? - No!

Then why would they print their name
in the paper and have a picture?

What do you mean it's a disguise?

- It's a disguise, isn't it?
- No. If it was a disguise

They'd go in with
one of those glasses

With the nose and the beard
attached if it was a disguise.

All judges would look
like groucho marx

If it was a disguise.

Well, that-- I'm just saying
that's what annoyed me

When I was sat there
on the front row.

I couldn't have been any closer
to the criminals and that.

I was sat there and I thought,

"why didn't I just pop a little wig
on or a pair of glasses?"

I would have loved to have seen you

- In the front row at crown court.
- No because--

I'd love to see it
because in this country

You're not allowed to show p.

You can't take photos
in a courtroom,

So there's always
these sketch artists

That draw drawings
and it's on the news.

The idea that we'd have
seen 11 people

And a sort of krusty the clown figure
would have been amazing.

Yeah, I would love to see
their artist's doing of you

'cause it would be like
complicated people.

"oh, hair." he looks at it.
It's characterful.

- And then just a little round-
- - stephen: Charlie brown.

charlie brown sitting on the end.

Karl, you said that your
new year's resolution

Was that you were gonna
learn something every day.

- Yeah, if I can.
- Have you learned anything today?

Uh, today... I don't know

The full facts of it, but--

Could I just say that
when someone says

They learn something new every day,

That doesn't count if they
forget it the next day.

'cse that would be
groundhog day learning.

Well, the thing I learned
today was about an octopus.

- Oh, yeah.
- On.

What they can do is--

You know how they've got
eight legs and that?

- Yeah.
- Tentacles.

They can use-- they can use

Six of them legs to
cover their heads

So they look like a little stone

And use the other two to run off.

Right? But that's--

He's thinking of squiddly diddly.

Yeah, it's a disney image in his head,
isn't it?

- Yeah, he's thinking of--
- but anyway--

But anyway, that's--

So he's pink, singing a song in
your mind and running off, yeah.

No, but anyway,
but something else I learned--

Um, it's mainly about
animals and that

'cause that's normally
quite interesting.

- There's a chicken somewhere.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Specific.

And the owner of it
is getting fed up

Because he had to feed
it and that--

Embellishment embellishment,
guesswork.

- No, come on, let's hear it.
- It wasn't giving anything back.

- Stephen: No eggs?
- Karl: No eggs.

So he was like, "I'm sick of this."

Anyway, someone told
him pop a little axe

Next to its little house.

So when it comes out in the morning,
thinking,

"oh, I'm gonna have another lazy
day doing nothing"...

...He saw this axe

And suddenly it was like, "aw."

The next day it
laid about six eggs.

It's rubbish. It's rubbish.

The chicken wouldn't
recognize an axe as a threat.

It wouldn't be able to reason that,

"oh, I'd better start working
or I'll be-- I'll be meat.

I'd better start-
-" it's absolute rubbish.

Once again, it's this
ridiculous thing you've got--

That one of personifying animals

To reasoning powers
better than yours.

I mean, I think--

You make chickens and
monkeys cleverer than you

In your stories, which is weird.

It didn't happen and
wouldn't work. Next.

What else haven't
you learned today?

Do you think then that it's worth

Looking after animals then
if there isn't any memory,

If they don't know
what's happening anyway?

You're always going on about
don't be cruel to things.

Why would you ever want to be cruel to
an animal, whether it can reason or not?

No no no, I don't mean really cruel,
but I mean like--

Like there's an advert on--

That's on in britain
advertising some supermarket

And it's saying, we look at--

Before we kill our
chickens and what have you,

They have a great life.

This is a voiceover and you
see a happy chicken

And it's going, we give it a good
little house to live in.

- Karl: It's got straw.
- Ricky: Yeah.

- Karl: It eats good.
- Ricky: Yeah.

And then we kill it. - Yes,
but that's better, isn't it?

Well, no, I don't think
it is though, is it?

Because at the end of the day,
if I was that chicken,

- Right?
- Uh-huh.

I'm that chicken loving my life,

I can't believe my luck.

It's got its nice little field
that it's working on.

It's got its nice food
and everything.

- Karl: But it's gonna die.
- Yeah, we're all gonna die.

But then if you were
a rubbish chicken

That had a rubbish life,

You'd be going, "oh, kill me."

Karl, they're not thinking,
"what's gonna happen tomorrow?"

They don't know that they're
gonna get for the chop, are they?

A chicken's not going,
"I'm fed up with this.

I can't wait for that axe to
be used on my neck."

Ye. Well, that's another--

Now you've mentioned the
cutting off of an head, right?

- Yeah.
- On a chicken.

That's something else I've learned.

- It's like a pinball-
- his mind. - Amazing.

Isn't it?

But this was in a proper
science magazine as well.

So you can't have a go.

This wasn't something
on the internet;

This was printed in a magazine.

- So? You read it.
- Okay, and what was it?

And here comes the filter.

It's gonna come out nonsense.

- Right--
- ricky: You could have

Professor stephen hawking
sitting there

Whispering stuff in your ear and
it could all be true.

But when you said it-
gobbledygook.

Well, let's see then. Let's see.

What they've done-- they've
done another experiment, right?

Yeah. - They've cut
somebody's head off,

And they've worked out that once--

When the head comes off the body,

It stays alive and
that for 30 seconds.

Well, no, they don't know that.
They could never know that.

No, they did it.
They did this experiment.

What's alive? What's alive?

But the way-- there's
loads of issues here.

No one's experimenting with human
beings cutting their head off, karl.

- Karl: Well--
- two-- no no no no.

So you read this in what,
"executioner's monthly"?

Two, karl-- it's what your
definition of "alive" is,

Because you can be alive
and have no conscience.

No no, but this is where
it gets weird, right?

Yeah, this is where it gets weird:

- You talking about it.
- So the head's off, right?

And what they did was they chucked
a load of questions at it.

- All sanctioned by the government.
- This is all fine.

So the head lands
perfectly on the neck

And goes, "what do you
wanna know?"

- It said--
- so they're asking questions

And it's going, "do you know what?

I don't want to answer
your question.

I'm annoyed about the
execution still."

Well, that was the interesting
thing. They said--

- No, it didn't happen, karl.
- Let me hear it.

Oh, don't talk shit.
What are you talking about?

Who are these people around
in white coats going,

"quick, ask it a question;
it's bleeding"?

So they said for about
25 to 30 seconds--

The last five seconds

It was sort of like, "I can't be
bothered answering them."

Right, but prior to that...
Oh god.

But apart from that, they were
chucking stuff. I don't think it spoke.

I don't think it was like, "yeah,
two and two is four," and stuff.

It was more--
it was to do with blinking.

- So blink once if you say yes.
- Oh, yeah.

- Blink twice--
- so they told it--

They said, "when you die,
you're probably

Not gonna be able to talk.

You're not gonna be able
to open your mouth.

If you do, you'll fall
over backwards.

Now, listen, blink one for
yes and two for no."

"yeah, all right. Yeah, not too bad.
The axe is nice and sharp.

You're talking shit again.

"you promise to do it?" - ricky: "yeah,
I will."

They wouldn't be able
to do it with you,

'cause if they cut your head off,
it would just roll.

It would roll away 'cause it's perfectly
spherical. They'd go, "oh, no!"

It takes about 20 seconds whenever you ask
karl anything for the question to process

And for him to start
to formulate an answer.

Karl, it's what we've
all been waiting for.

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.

Well, this one-
sent in from sam in new york

And it's about a fire that happened

In a really-
do you know in new york

They have loads of big buildings,
don't they?

- Yeah.
- Like really really tall--

- Skyscrapers.
- Yeah.

And there was a
fire in one of them.

So they did as expected.

They called up the
fire brigade and that.

They turned up.

Fire engine parks up. It's like,
"right, where's the fire?"

And they said, "it's on floor 100,
" or whatever.

And they said, "oh, no,
we've brought

The fire engine with the
short ladders."

- Stupid mistake, but go on.
- Right?

So they said, "well,
how are we gonna get up there?"

Yeah. "we can't." - stephen: But they've
only brought the short ladders.

"no, we can't. Let's go home."

Okay, that was monkey news.

So they said, "there's
a lot of 'grippage.'"

'cause they made up words--

The fireman-- yeah, the n.
Y.P.D. Firemen.

"there's a lot of grippage."

On the side of the
building and stuff.

So anyway, they said, "why don't
we just go and get a monkey?"

- Karl: So they got a monkey.
- Whoa, that's a bit of a jump.

Is that policy now in the
new york fire department?

You've gotta think quick,
haven't you, at the end of the day?

If people are up there, you don't
start querying if it'll work or not;

You try everything that you can
to help someone out, right?

That's the first
thing I thought of--

So it was quicker for them
to go and get a monkey

Than to go back and
get the long ladders?

- Okay, fair enough.
- "why didn't they get spider-man?"

"yeah, call spider-man. " -

So anyway, so they got a monkey
down there and they said, "right--"

- Where'd they get it from?
- We don't know.

From the local zoo or something.

So they said, "look, let's--

We've got to remember there's--

There could be someone up there

And it'll shock them a bit

If a monkey comes in, right?"

- Yeah.
- So they said--

I don't think they'd care.

Their building's on fire.

They're not gonna go,
"that's weird.

There's a monkey at the window."

They'd be screaming, "save me! Oh,
there's a monkey."

So they said, "right, we'll just
get it a little small uniform."

Whoa whoa. Hold on, though.

"actually, where are
you going to get that?"

"I'm going back to the-
going back to the station."

"get the long ladders while you're there.
" - stephen: "no time.

I brought the small uniform.

I just didn't bring the
long ladders."

you're an idiot!

So anyway, it goes up there.

It's got all the kit on,
its little hard hat on and all that.

It grabs-- there was a little
person up there,

Manages to grab that.

- Who was up there then?
- It was just--

Someone that was
just the right size

For a monkey to be able to rescue,
which is handy.

If had been any one else,
like a larger person

Or a family, we'd all be screwed.

No, I don't know
about the size of it.

But it's just the stories say

It was quite a big big monkey

And that it was good at
breaking down doors. - Oh, yeah.

It was good at climbing into
small spaces and stuff like that.

Anyway-- - so it's
big enough to carry

A fully grown man,
but small enough to climb

Through a cat flap,
which is handy.

So anyway, it managed to--

Did it have the boots on as well?

It got the person and everything.

And now it says it-- it's sort of--

It's on call if they
ever need it again.

And if they ever get anywhere
again and forgot the long ladders

But there's plenty of grippage,
they just call for coco.

So that's this week's
monkey news. - Bollocks.