The Ricky Gervais Show (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 4 - Dolphins - full transcript

For the past few years
ricky gervais,

Stephen merchant,
and karl pilkingn

Have been meeting regularly

For a series of pointless
conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

Um, I got a text from
karl yesterday, steve.

A text from karl, yeah. - Yeah.
I'll just read it to you.

Okay. "see you tomoz for
a face rub at 6:30 then.

No bum tubes though."

So I was intrigued.
I called karl and said,



"I think you just sent
me a text by mistake."

What's the explanati of that?

Me mate, right, russell,

He just said, you know,
"there's things that go on in life

That you need to experience.
" - ricky: Yeah?

He said, "just pop along."

- I didn't say yes strai.
- What's a face rub?

You mean a facial?
Where you lay down--

- You just clean your face with a-
- - yeah, so you're gonna go

Lie down with another man and
have your face fiddled with.

Well, no, this is what
I was saying to him.

There was a couple of questions-
I didn't just say yes straightaway.

I questioned it. I said,
"I'm not that happy with this.

There's nothing weird going on here,
is there?



It's not a house. It's a
proper clinic and that?"

He said, "yeah, it's proper.
You wear a dressing gown

I said, "I'm not that"-- - so he's already
got you in the dressing gown?

Yeah, well, I haven't agreed to that.
Today I've worn a little,

Round polo-neck jumper so I
don't have to take it off.

It's not gonna get in
the way of me face.

I made sure I didn't wear
a shirt with a collar.

I'm not taking this off. They can put
the dressing gown on top of this.

Right. - I don't know
if there's a woman

Who rubs me head.
I don't know if it's a bloke.

Well, the thing is you get
extra for your face rub

'cause your face goes all
the way back over

The top of your head to the
back of your neck.

You've got a big face,
haven't you?

All I was saying to him is
"I'll have the face rub,"

But I don't know if
once you're in there

They try to sell you the old--

- The old...?
- --The bum tube thing.

What's the bum tube?
Is that a euphemism?

- What are you talking about?
- The thing where they pop a tube in,

Put coffee in your belly and
it cleans you out and that.

An enema? Why would you have that?

I don't-- I'm not-- I don't want it.
I don't think--

Why no - I think I've
said to you before about

You know, you don't need
to be that clean inside.

I don't mind washing me face.

What occasion do you need
where you're cleaned out?

Do you know what I mean?

It's always a clear tube and that

And you see all this stuff whizzing past.
I don't understand why it's clear.

I don't know why you've got to see
what's coming out of you.

I guess like "the generation game,
" making notes of what's whizzing past.

Forget it.

I was watching some different tv,

Saw an amazing documentary-
it was called "tribes."

This guy, he goes and lives with
different tribes around the world--

These small,
little indigenous people.

There was one-
heen wt to papua, new guinea

In indonesia right, karl?

He lived wit the kombai tribe,
all right?

Now this papua, new guinea,
is an extraordinary place,

Because it is one of the
only places left on earth

That hasn't been fully explored.

There are parts of it-
it's just blank on the map,

'cause they've never explored that.
They don't know what's there.

They don't know what's going on.

So fstirly, that must
already fakre you out.

Image inthat. 21st century--

They have no idea what's
going on down there.

But do they edne to know if
there'sot nhing going on?

well, they--

They don't kw nowhat's going on.
There could be stuff going on

No, but there's no chance that they'll go,
"we haven't been over there,"

Someone goes and there's
an arndale centre.

Nothing's going to be there,
is it?

Well, I'll tell you atwh is there.

There's these various
small tribes--

Some of these tribes
are still cannibals,

Eating people from other tribes.

Do they know they could move on?
Have they got a telly?

Or have th seyeen a telly and gone,
"I'm not up for that"?

Or are they just- are they saying--

- It's not the amish.
- They haven't chosen this.

But what is the difference between
the amish and these people?

Well, the amish are a group of people
that choose to live in that way.

These people are essentially
untouched by civilization.

I mean, they do have
interaction with civilization

D people do come there,
but they still live

In this very-
almost prehistoricay w.

They did buy a telly,
but there was nothing on

Because there wasn't any
broadcasters.

- Stephen: They couldn't plug it in.
- Ricky: Yeah.

stephen: It would've been
an absolute nightmare.

There was one guy,
he said his brother was dying.

This was a couple of years ago-
his brother was dying.

He said to his dying brother,
"what happened? Why are you dying?"

This guy said, "it was a bloke
in anotheril vlage."

He goes over to the other village.
He kills this other bloke.

He eats him-- or eats bits of him.

The other village gets annoyed.
They go, "what's going on?

Why'd you kill this bloke they were-
"sorry about that."

They said, "you ne to make it up to us.
" he gave them a pig.

they said, "a pig's not enough."

Then he gave them five pig so
five pigs apparently

Made up for the fact that he
killed one of them.

They said "hang on what are you gonna
do about this bloke's wife?"

Why were they bartering?
Why didn't they get

The police in and say,
"what's going on?"

The police? - Yeah.
Why didn't they call in kojak?

'cause he would've sorted it out,
wouldn't he?

What I mean is they're
miles away from anything,

But it doesn't sound like
a great place to live.

Could they not mov
could one of them go

"you know what? I'm sick of this.

I'm moving or whatever and
going to a proper city"?

How far away are
these papua people...

...To the next--

To the next-- - they're like the smurfs.
They' vreery like the smurfs.

How many miles away from a place

With a normal life going on?

Think about this, karl.
Firstly, they don't speak the language,

So they don't have
any practical skills.

They've got no experienc
of civilization.

Even if they chose to go and
live in on of these cities,

What can they do how
can they function?

I think there's some bacteria
that has better lives than that.

That's got to be offensive.

Why?

Okay, butht is is one
of the weirdest things--

This is one of the
weirdesthi tngs, right?

Sorry.

An entire people-
an entire race of people

- He said-- - I'm not-
- I'm not having a go.

I'm just saying I wouldn't fancy it,
is what I mean.

But they don't know
of another world.

Hocow uld they imagine that they could-
"I'll tell you what.

This is boring. I'm tired
of hunting for food

And eating fish from the river.

I'd like a world where
the'ers ipods

And room service. I'm gonna go
and move to new york."

But they're not thinking like that,
are they, karl?

'cause they don't know about
this other world.

But people go to these
places on holiday now,

They like a little bit of danger.

They like to see how
the others live.

All I'm saying is we know they exist-
the papua people.

Maybe people aren't going there.

It doesn't sound
like the best place.

You know, I can't imagine
having a tourist board

Or anything, right?

But would they accept me
if I popped over there

With shoes on in papua?

Well, this is one of
the things they do,

Which is a traditi
you may have to do.

These kombai, right,
they invert their penises.

So they push their penises
back up inside their bodies.

- Like a sock.
- What for?

- Well--
- keeps it out of the way.

Of what? - Stephen: If you're running
through the undergrowth,

Chasing a hog, you don't
want it flapping away.

But-- - but it's also
become a ceremonial thing,

So if you were over there,
you may have to try it yourself.

But-- you will have to
become try it yourself.

If you went there,
you'd have to try it yourself.

But even caveman had
little pants on.

- Why haven't they--
- both: Whoa!

- Slow down.
- Rewind.

What do you mean? - Okay,
you've been watching "the flintstones."

- No no no, it's just-
- is it a leopard skin pair of pants?

That's actually quite-- go on.

But it's a well-known
fact that they wore

Bear pants or whatever.

Bear pants? What do you mean?

No no no no no, listen.

You are a qualified anthropologist,

- So what--
- I mean,

Whenever you see 'em on
footage or in a museum--

Foote?Ag - yeah, whenever you see
that early documentary footage--

It's black and white,
isn't it? Caveman footage.

You always see 'em wearing
a little bit of fur--

Furry little pants and tt.
Ha so what I'm saying is

Even though-- what year is it
to these people in the woods?

I don't know what this
conversation is anymore.

He's just clutching at straws.

His mind--

It's like a fly, his mind,
isn't it? -

It's just buzzing around,
trying to find a window.

It's hitting against pieces
of information

- But they're just bouncing off.
- yeah.

- Stephen: Dazed and perplexed.
- Oh, forget it then.

I was shopping with
karl before christmas

And we went around
piccadilly and st. James's--

Those really beautiful
shops around there.

I went in one shop.
We had to ring a bell to enter.

ricky: It's an
iconoclastic shop.

They found things from churches--

Nearly all russian 16th-century
pieces onwards.

These beautiful carvings,
paintings and statues.

I went, "oh, it's beautiful.
" as I was looking around,

I heard karl sidle up to
the bloke and go,

"what's the newest thing
you've got here?"

yeah. Sur that's his first thought.

I mean, that I the wrong
question to ask of a man

Who's clearl in antiques... - Yes.

...Proud of the fact he's got
16th-century iconoclastic russian stuff,

To ask "what's the newest
thing you've got here?"

What sort of question is that?

"oh, I don't know.
Probably the doorbell.

I don't know.
What-- what-- my shirt."

- What were you thinking?
- What were you looking for?

I think it's an all right question,

'cause he was saying there's
loads of old stuff in there

And he kept going on
about the old stuff.

So I was just saying "what'the
newest thing you've got?"

What was the newest thing? - Do you
know the other question he asked him?

He said, "how often do
you get new stuff in?"

I said to him, "why did you ask that?"
he said, "I was thinking--

If you've got antiques and you
sell it all, what's left?"

I've never see anything like it

At any point in me life.
I don't think I'll ever go

"I need some old russian wood.
" - it was brilliant!

- No.
- Steve, it was beautiful.

It was amazing stuff.

It's-- there's these things
from the 16th century

Of saints and monks,
and they're carved--

But there's loads of it.
It's just all piled up.

No one's interested. If I was him,
I'd go, "do you know what?

I am into this,
but no one else is close shop.

Seriously, it's just piled up.
Piles upon piles

Of old bits of wood with
pictures on it and that.

But just think of a
man 400 years ago

That carved this-
that carved this--

No, but nobody wants I do they?

I've never heard of anyone say,

"look, it's me birthday coming up.
I'll tell you what I'd love."

"what?" "a bit of old
russian wood."

- - it doesn't-
- it doesn't happen.

That's what I'm saying.
I've never heard anyone say--

I've never overheard someone say,
"you don't know where

The russian shop I do you?"

And this is in london
where the rates are high.

There was this thing, steve,
with them old drawings on--

It was a panel from a church
that someone had pateind.

Yeah, right. - I think
was from 1590 or somethg.

And it was a picture of
this saint, wasn't it?

He said 1590. It could
bfre any time, really.

So there's this one there,
leaning up against the wall--

Most of them in there was
that stalin bloke, right?

But there as this-- - right,
can I stop you there lenin.

Right. All right.
St- ephen: Okay, ahye.

Hsoe was on all these bsit
of wood and stuff.

But I sathw is other little face,
right?

A little fella with a beard.

So I said, "who's this
bloke here?"

He said, "oh, the story there--

It's this little fella and he got
mugged back in russia."

this is right, isn't it?

This is what he said. He said he got mugged.
Yeah, it's just that term.

I love that term in a
16th-century russian wood--

"oh no, I'm being mugged."

- Karl: So he got mugge
- he got happy-slapped.

And he said, "
I've had enough of this."

And he went to live in the woods,
right? -

Made a little shed, stayed there.

People went to visit him.

If you've got a problem,
you knock on his door... -

...You go "I'm sick of it," he'll say,
"yeah, I know what you mean.

I've moved out of the city,
" and what have you.

He'd make 'em feel better and
then they'd go again.

Now why has that man got a plaque?

a plaque.

If he was around now,
there's no way he would have

A bit of wood with his face on it,
is what I'm saying.

If someone got fed up with living in london,
new york or whatever,

And they go, "I'm gonna go
live in the woods,"

People wouldn't visit
him and he wouldn't get

A piece of wood with his
facone it is what I'm saying.

but this man was
selling it for about--

I think it was about 750 quid
for this bloke's head.

But the chances are that this is

Either a well-know russian folktale

Or it may even b a piece of
classic russian literature.

He's a saint. He was a saint.
He was canonized.

Yeah, but everybody
wa a saint years ago.

That seems to be thrown about,
doesn't it?

Who is a saint now?
Name me one now.

You have this fella who
lived in the woods in a hut.

Oh, yeah, that's saint
john or whatever.

he's not a saint.
He's done nothing.

If anything, he's said
"I can't be bothered

With living in the city
with everyone else.

I can't put up with it.
I'm gonna live in the woods."

Well, if you can't put up with it,
you're not good enough, are you?

You've got no stamina.

And yet he gets a plague,
is what I'm saying.

- It's annoying.
- Who would you like to see

Get a plag in the modern world?

Who deserves a plague
in your opinion?

Probably nurses and that,
who do a lot of bad things

That I think I couldn't do,
like carrying lungs about and all that.

No, but I couldn't do-
do you know what I mean?

That's one job that--

Me mum wanted me to be a doctor.

wow.

- What was she thinking?
- Wow.

Oh, what's her
expectations like now?

Oh, this apple didn't
fa far from the tree.

Oh, when did she sta
giving up that dream?

At what age did she start going

"karl, you don't need to study
your books anymore.

Go and play with the worms
in the garden."

When did she let you
off of that dream?

Was that the day she caught you
with a spoon up your nose?

Anyway, talking about
emails and that, right?

Nick, who's emailed from
australia-- melbourne--

He's been going on

About dolphins and that-
problems with dolphins.

- What problems?
- He's just saying

That when that wind happened--

It was a bad wind thing going on.

Hold on, wait a minute.
What bad wind?

- Um, in america. They had that-
- - hurricane katrina?

Yeah, and there was a little
bay with dolphins in it

With guns on them and stuff.

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa.
- They use dolphins, don't they?

They say they're intelligent
animals and stuff.

- Yeah.
- They've t them all--

They've all had the training.
They're all adrey for battle.

- Ricky: Righ t.
- They've got rifles on 'em.

- What do you mean, rifles?
- Karl: They've got weapons.

- How can they hold the rifle?
- No, it's sort of on a strap

- What do you mean it's aon strap?
- I don't know what

They kit 'em out with,
but they're just ready for war.

wh aatre you talki about?!

That isn't the point. Don't worry about it.
Oh, we'll leave that one.

- That's not the point.
- Karl: So they're swimming about--

Rick yeah, with rifles and berets.

Whatever they've got on-
ready for battle and stuff.

- Ricky: Ready for battle.
- Karl: The ndwi comes in...

- Ricky: Hurricane katrina.
- ...Makes a wave and that.

- They get out of the little bay...
- Ricky: Yeah.

...Still all kitted out
with all the weapons.

You're talking bollocks.

- Steve, do you want to look at the email?
- Well, there is no way

There's loads of dolphins
now swimming around

Kitted out with guns
and that with a strap.

How could a dolphin hold a--

Again, youe 'vbeen watching "
planet of the apes."

"oh, he's trying to talk to us.
" -

"what's he saying?" "he's saying,
'go ahead, punk. Make my day.'

- You're talking shit.
- It's just news to say

If you see a dolphin, don't go

"oh, it's friendly," 'cause
there's some with weapons now.

I'm just reading out an email.

That's-- that'll cover it and that,
so-- - bollocks.

Karl, can we have some
monkey news before I die?

- All right.
- Oh, chimpanzee that.

Monkey news, you...

This monkey thatas w
knocking about called ollie,

It was in this zoo...

...And it was the only monke
in there, right?

It was getting a bit lonely,

'cause it was sharing its ti

With an elephant and a giraffe.

- No, that's doesn't happen.
- They didn't really get on--

No no, whoa whoa whoa.
No, wait wait wait wait.

- They do not--
- let me just tell you--

- They do not put chimpanzees in with-
- - but let me tell you--

But it's not true.

Gervais,it was some
kind of flat shar

They put out for I in the
student union--

You know, "we've got two
rooms to let."

"african mammal wanted,
non-specific."

- A mammoth and a--
- what I'm saying is

There were other elephants for
elephants to knock about with,

And not the monkey.
It was the only one there.

So what happened is the
zookeeper...

Right. -... Felt a bit
sorry for him.

He started to get pally with him.

So at lunchtime when the
zookeeper sat on the wall,

Having his ham butty or whatever,

He started going,
"are you all right? Yeah?"

And it used to come over
closer and closer.

- Ricky: Yeah.
- Karl: Anyway, within a month

He was sitting on the wa having
his lunch with him.

Untrue. Go on. - So he sat
there and as time goes on,

He sort of sat with
hi most of the y.

The monkey's walking around with him,
helping him feed the other animals.

- Ricky: No.
- Karl: But then the zookeeper,

At the end of the night when
he's locking up and stuff,

He'd feel bad because he'd
be leaving the zoo

And ollie sat ther he's like,
"I'll see you tomorrow."

The monkey's like, "yeah, all right.
See you later."

He's looking all fed up,
because he got a home to go to

And he's still stuck in his ways,
working every day.

He's never going home, right?

No, he's sleeping at work,
the monkey. - So anyway,

The zookeeper goes home and
says to his wife,

"look. Ollie's having a bit of
a time at the moment."

She said, "oh yeah?
What's going on?"

"well, he's looking a bit fed up.

He's sick of it. " she said,
"bring him home."

It didn't happen.
This is in your head.

So she said, "yeah,
bring him home tonight."

So he's looking forward
to going into work.

He sees ollie, he doesn't
tell him straightaway.

( laughs like it's a surprise! - It's a
surprise for him later. - ( laughs like
it's a surprise! - It's a surprise for him
later.

- Karl: He gets to the end of the day...
- Ricky: Yeah.

...And he's like, "get your coat.
" he's like, "what?"

Coat? What do you mean,
"get your coat"?

No no, whatever the
equivalent is, all right?

Whatever you say to a monkey.
It was kind of like

A you're-coming-with-me
sort of thing.

Right. - Karl: So he's going,
"oh, brilliant."

No he's not!What do you mean,
"he's going 'brilliant'"?

He takes it home - stephen:
So he gets his hat and coat--

He goes back to the
zookeeper's house.

Everything's going well for about
a week and a half, ght?

Treating him really well. He sat there.
He's having a brandy at night

Before he goes to bed.

So he said to his wife,
"you're at home all day."

Oh, jesus. - "I'll go to work.
I'll leave it with you."

All right? So ollie stays at home.

- Ricky: Yeah.
- Anyway, as time goes on,

A little bit of trouble while
the fella's busy... -

...At work, he starts getting
a little bit cheeky.

- He tries it on with the missus.
- Whoa!

Right. - How does the monkey
try it on with the missus?

- You're talking shit.
- This is classic monkey news.

How does he try it
on with the missus?

So he's a bit drunk.
He stinks of smoke.

The monkey did play. Did the zookeeper's
wife reciprocate these affections?

She probably went along
with it at first.

She's cooking at home,
getting the tea ready

And he walks past,
pinching her ass or whatever.

do you know what I mean?

Just like with humans,
it starts off as a bit of fun.

Before you know it,
split up in the end,

The zookeeper and the what's-it,

And the monkey stayed
with the woman.

It's all there. - Honestly,
the fa-- your imagination.

- Well, look it up.
- You should write stories.

- You should write.
- Get people to look it up.

Just put in "monkey chimp ollie."

And it's all there.