The Ricky Gervais Show (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 3 - Charity - full transcript
For the past few years
ricky gervais,
Stephen merchant,
and karl pilkington
Have been meeting regularly
For a series of pointssle
conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right?
Hello and welcom e to
"the ricky gervais show"
With me, ricky gervais,
stephen mercntha...
Hello. -...And the ltlite
round-headed buffoon
That is karl pilkington.
Hi.
Do you know the other week
When I came up with
like a different idea
Of how we can sort o
make the world run?
Could we just ha a
quick recap of that?
I seem to rememb it was
a load of old arse.
It was ridiculous. It was, um--
He was saying that the
world is overpopulated.
So the system would be
Where people were living
too long and stuff.
So what happens is,
people live till 78--
I don't know how he
can enforce that--
But when they die,
They've got a little
baby in their stomach
Like a pip in an apple
That then carries on when they die.
It wasn't a theory.
It wasn't an idea.
It was the ramblings
of a mental case.
You're saying it's stupid,
but someone's email said,
"oh, yeah, that's pretty good."
- Just saying.
- Go on.
...If th's a no,
I've been thinking about--
- It is a no.
- --What about
If we do it the other way, right?
- Ah.
- Go on.
Somehow-- I don't know how yet--
A kid has an old lady?
That's what it's gonna be,
isn't it?
- A chilt gives birth to an old man?
- No.
What I'm saying is,
work the other way around.
- Come on then.
- So if somehow
We can inject something
In a body that's just died, right?
Listen to this.
Imagine that's his notes.
When he hands it to the
nobel people
D they go, "'if there's a way that
We can inject something,
'" they go "well, what?"
I don't know the chemical formula,
But something. Something-h02.
Right. So you inject
it in the temple--
He's narrowed it
down to the temple.
- So what happens?
- She wakes up, right?
Amazing. - And she
works the other way.
So she might be 77
And then she'll have
a birthday, she's 76.
And she's working that way,
if you know what I mean.
- Okay.
- Are you with me?
Because the thing is you've got--
- I have no idea.
- I'm really scared.
- Yeah.
- I'm really scared.
This is the maddest thing
you've ever said. - Yeah.
This is madder than the old lady with
a pip like an apple in her belly.
- It sort of did work.
- This is--
No, it didn't work it
worked in your head
It's like a dream that
you wake up and go,
- "I've got a great theory."
- this is what-- this is it.
Let me just tell you the ending
Because the ending
works out a bit better.
- Go on.
- What I'm saying is
- When you die at the age of-
- - 78.
- --Nine months.
- What?
At the age of nine months.
That's when you come out.
What do you mean when you die
at the age of nine months?
You're not scared of dying
'cause you're now a baby
So you don't know
what's going on anyway.
- There's no fear.
- So you missed a bit here.
So this woman literally gets
younger and younger?
I think when she's in her 20s
she's in her old age, rick.
Yeah, but it doesn't matter
Because that's the fun part
of your life, isn't it,
When you're 20 and you've got
all your energy and that?
Before you die you're
actually having a good life
Rather than it being
the other way around.
But does she do different stuff
than she did on the way up?
She's already lived 78 years,
hasn't she?
Don't forget. She was a baby once
And she gr to her years
and then someone--
Then when someone stuck a
needle in her head
And said, "right, back you go."
No. Well, forget all that bit.
Oh, forget all that bit.
How do we forget that bit?
- What I'm saying is--
- so she died
And she doesn't remember-
this is a new life, is it?
Let me just leave you
with this. - Right.
You're talking shit,
explain yourself.
But aren't the family
getting younger as well?
- What's happened
- karl: Forget it.
- Leave it as it is.
- Leave it as it is?
Shall we?Can we all
agre on that, guys?
Should we agree to leave it as it is?
Is that all right?
'cause I don't wanna hear anymore
From the diaries of charles manson.
I mean, you're a fucking maniac.
Friend of mine got a gift-
or rath gave it as a gift.
I don't know if you've
been familiar with these.
It's a charity organization.
You go on their website
or you can phone them up.
You can give someone else
the gift of say, a goat.
And it's a sort of goodwill thing,
you know what I mean?
So you buy, you buy an
african family, uh, a goat...
That will help them
for years to come.
That's like sayi "well, I would
have bought you a present..."
"but I've used that money wisel"
Yeah, so it's almost
like they've given...
- Exactly. -...The present-
- they've given the goat.
Yeah, it's a beautiful idea.
But as soon as he told me about it,
I thought to myself straight away,
Knowing karl's vie on
charity and giving,
I wondered what his views would be.
Well, are they happy with
the present over there--
The people who are getting it?
You-- you're an idiot.
What, you think an african
family wakes up
And there's a little goat with
aibbon tied around it
And they go, "oh,
look atwh santa brought us."
"look, and that mince pie is gone
and that glass of milk."
- You'reuc sh an idiot.
- No no no.
What I'm saying ,
is does that family want a goat?
- Yes.
- But why?
It's not that they want a goat.
It's that they need a goat.
Do you think-- what do you
think this organization is?
Apparently giving goats to people.
They're gonna-- they're gonna say,
"oh, I wanted nintendo"?
- What are you thinking?
- What I'm saying is,
Let me put myself in their shoes.
Well, this'll be a first.
But say I'one of them over there.
I'm sat there.
It's christmas day, right?
I open it up. I open the present.
A little goat there, right?
Now if I was one of them,
I would be going,
"not another mouth to feed."
At the end of the day,
there isn't enough food
To go arou for themselves,
never mind a goat.
Don't they say having a
dog is quite expensive?
Sometimes they say, you know,
With all the injections
you've got to give it--
Well, I'm assuming
it's all above board.
The goat's had its injections.
That's what some of the
money goes towards.
It's just a way of
redirecting cash.
But the thing is why do they want that goat?
What's the main reason?
To-- what-- who--
What's the main-
what does a go give ya?
- Both: Milk.
- Right.
Wouldn't it be easier to just
send them a bottle of milk...
...Without all the hassle and
headaches that come with it?
That's all I'm saying. And the other
thing is, think about the goat--
That was happy over here.
Suddenly it's on barren land-
no grass.
I'm gonna burst.
What do you mean?
He didn't send a goat from here.
I'm saying who's happy at
the end of this, right?
You've got a fella who hasn't
got a present over here
Because the mate bought him a goat,
right?
So yea let's do this properly.
So there's a tick.
He's not happy, all right?
Then you've got the person
who's opened it who,
Like you said, wanted summat else,
right?
It's a goat. They go,
"who's gonna look after this?"
So, tick, they're not happy.
And then you've got the goat going,
"what am I doing here?"
Definitely love this, surely.
Have you started seeing
this now? Virgin?
They've started plugging
virgin galactic.
I think it's somethi
nglike 200,000 quid
And like you will get a chance to
go ina space shuttle into space.
Karl. Thoughts?
Go into space?
Wouldn't it be a
fascinating experience
To go into space and look
back at the earth?
I mean, well, at what point
are you meant to be happy?
Do you know what I mean?
You're floating about out there.
And don't get out, do y?Ou
Uh, you mean,
to do so duty-free shopping?
I'm just talking. You don't go
floating about. You stay in your seat.
Mm. They probably let you
move around on the shuttle.
Yeah, I know, but I'm
talking about getting out.
- When you go on over there--
- but you wanna go into acspe?
Yes, but that's what I'm saying.
When you go on holiday,
the flight bit
Isn't the best bit of the holiday,
is it?
That's the bit you've got to do.
So what I'm saying is
You've got to stay on this and
then you go back home?
You don't take luggage, right?
I don't see the point.
So you're there. You're sat in
your own clothes the whole time.
Same clothes the whole time.
But I don't deunrstand.
What iths e point?
I think it's the view-
I think it's two things.
I think it's the view
And being able to be part
of an exclusive club--
"I went into space."
Uh, it's that thing about
man conquering nature.
And you're one of the elite few
That managed to pop up,
see the world from a distance
That no one else can see
it omfr and then pop down.
All that way just for the view?
Yeah.
Is it worth it?
There's a lot of other
places I haven't seen anyway
Before I think about that.
I think if you've gone everywhere--
I haven't been to
scotland yet, right?
If we gave it to you
free of charge--
If we said, "karl,
go up in space"--
I know the answer to this, steve.
He's thinking "I'd like
to meet some aliens
- That can talk like I do"...
- Yeah.
..."and I can understand them and
they can tell me summat."
" like what?" "oh, that they met god-
he was all right."
That's the sort of thing.
That's what he's gonna say.
He'd like them to look like
monkeys in spacesuits.
That'd be his ideal thing. He'd like
to go to the planet of the apes.
That's what I was gonna say.
He would love to go there.
Lookhe, 's nodding. He's nodding.
Thoughts, karl? - Yeah,
that'd be brilliant.
What would bbre illian t?-
Seeing a little alien
And having a chat with him,
finding out what's been going on.
"what's been going on."
No no. Don't you think that--
I mean, if you bought me that
as a present, either of ya...
Yeah. -...I wouldn't be that happy.
For me, that's a little bit like--
Well, this is annoying
Because we got you a trip
to space and a goat. - Yeah.
Do you know how I'm interested
In sort of going on anheotr planet?
Karl, you are on
another planet, mate.
No no, but you know what I mean?
It'd be quite sort of interesting.
Hodow you think u'yod get there?
Well, yeah, you'd go
on a rocket and stuff,
But what I'm saying, at least you
know when you get there,
You're getting out,
you're having a t of a wander.
I wouldn't be happy in
just the journey bit oft.
- That's all I'm saying.
- That's great, isn't it?
But the thing is, right?
I was looking into it a bit
'cause I was reading about
the virgin thing, right?
And I was reading
something that in 1971,
Three of them went up there.
There was one bloke in the rocket,
right?
The other two wandered off,
had a walkabout,
Seeing what rocks they
could find and that.
That bloke who was in the rocket,
He was the loneliest man ever...
In the world.
- I don't know what to do.
- I don't know what that was.
I don't know if that's some
sort of profound poetry or--
Do you know I think
he's trying to say?
He's trying to say he was,
by definition,
Human furthest away from
all other human contact.
- Yeah yeah, that's what I said.
- Yeah, okay.
No, you said "loneliest.
" loneliest evokes emotion.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's like he started
crying and writing poetry
And listening to
morrissey records.
But what I was thinking is,
Do you think when he
got up in the morning,
He still bothered to
put his clothes on?
That's the first thing
that came into yr mind
When you pictured him in there.
At the end of the day,
even if me girlfriend is at work and tt,
I'm not happy walking about
with everything out
'cause you never know what's
going to happen.
I just mean, you never know
if someone's gonna turn up.
No, I don't like-
I always pop some pants on
- Or a towel even if I'm alone.
- Not always.
'cause I've knocked on
your door when you've--
No no, he's taking you've been
his trousers off.Od there with--
I did it especially knowing
that you were there.
I did it especially to annoy you.
Yeah, so--
But do you know what I mean?
Do you think he, do you think
he was walking about the rocket
With his tackle out-- if they go,
"well, no one's watching here."
Do you reckon it floats up or down?
Well, um, if you are the man
who was up in the space rocket
And was for a short period the loneliest
man in the world, we'd love to hear from
you.
We'd love to hear what you did
with your time, how lonely you felt
And also, did you-
did you float around
With your cock and bal?
Karl, if you could have a
superpower like superman,
What would you superpower be?
Can I sugges consciousness? - Yeah.
Can I have the power of thought?
Remember, you've already
got opposable thumbs.
- So cross that one off the list.
- Go on, karl.
There's so many to choose
from telepathy, x-ray vision.
Flight, invisibility.
Choose it wisely.
Strength, intelligence.
But why have I been picked? - Oh,
for god's sake.
- I'm just saying--
- it's rob's question for you.
But I justay-
does anyone else want this?
Do you know what I mean?
No, "what do you wish you could do
That's impossible?
" is the question.
Or-- what? What do you mean?
Because with that comes
a responsibility--
With enormous power does
come great responsibility.
So would you like spidey senses?
Is that what you're saying?
- Uh...
- Stephen: Come on, karl.
You know what these superheroes can do.
They can freeze things--
I know, but it always-
they're never happy, are they?
You know what I mean?
Spiderman wanted to tell that girl
That he can climb walls and that
and he's like, "I can't."
Superman never told louis and that.
It's lois. Who's louis?
- Louis.
- Who's louis?
It's just a penpal of superman's.
Louis-- his little secret chum!
Yeah.
"hello, supean. " - "hello, louis,
wha are you doing?"
"hey, superman, hey, um,
who are ya?"
"I can't tell you, louis.
" brilliant.
You know-- hulk, he wasn't happy.
"hulk. He wasn't happy."
It's true. He's got a theme.
He has got a theme.
There's not many hap
superheroes, are there?
But leaving aside the superheroes
you're already aware of,
What superpower would you want?
You don't have to fight
crime with it, karl.
Let me just remind you of some
of the things-- invisibility.
All the time, though?
Or can I sort of turn that on and off?
Let's say you could turn that on
and off would that interest you?
Yeah. I'll have that.
Right.
Okay, and what would you do
with this power of invisibility?
Just sort of wander about
and just not get seen.
It's a brilliant power.
It's so brilliant and he's put--
And he's put it to
such brilliant use.
It's really well done.
And why would you wanna walk
around and not be seen and that?
Uh... - What would you
gain from that?
...Don't know.
You could sort of go in
shops when they're shut.
So you don't have to
go with the crowds.
- How would you get in?
- Get in just before they lock up.
Oh, yeah? How would you get out?
- Wait till the mornin
- brilliant.
So hang on. So that's
your use of invisibility?
You found the power of
invisibility,
You want to sneak into never mind.
Hang on, you want to
sneak into hmv,
Wait for 12 hours and then
buy something...
Oh, I love it.
...Just so that you don't have
to be there with other people.
Do you know what? I don't want it.
- I don't want a power
- why not?
'cause I just don't think
it would do me any good.
I think it's more of a hindrance.
I love this.
He'd like-- just think
of his presents.
We've given you a goat,
a trip into space
And the chance to be invisible.
Not happy with any of them.
Yeah, what he wants
is a voucher for hmv.
Yeah yeah yeah. He just wants
some tokens for a record shop.
Just going though a few
more of these emails.
This one's from ke from
nova scotia, canada.
He says, karl-
he's wondering if you've got
Y personal mantras that
you could pass along.
For instance he reminds us
Of ben franklin's famous mantra--
"waste not, want not."
- Who said that?
- Ben franklin.
What was he-- what did he do?
What was his job?
Benjamin franklin was a well-respect
american politician
From the 1800s he was a
thinker a philosopher--
- Ricky: He did experiments.
- --A scientist, deeply respected--
- Ricky: He's on money.
- --Also a big political figure.
He's featured on the $1 bill or
$10 bill or something.
He's one of th great sort of american
enlightenment thinkers.
And he came up éwith the mantra,
"waste not, want not."
You must know "waste not, want not.
" I mean, that's just--
Do you understand the phrase
"waste not, want not"?
No, not really, no.
What does it mean?
- I've never used it.
- It's like,
"don't throw stuff away
'cause you might
need it and therefore
You won't be wanting anything
Because you didn't throw it away."
So he was a bit of a hoarder.
- If you don't waste food--
- "he was a bit of a hoarder."
for god's sake.
No no, but I'm just saying,
he's a man in power.
Is that the best
thing he ever said?
No, I'm sure he me up
with many profound things.
So why is that one remembered?
He did experimen in electricity
and conducting electricity.
But that impresses me more--
Inventin' electricity-
than someone--
- He didn't invent electricity.
- Wait a minute.
Impress you more than what?
Just saying "waste not, want not."
I don't think it's that good.
It's not even catchy.
Uh, how would you word it?
I'd just say, "whoa whoa,
don't be chucking that out.
- You might need that later."
- "don't be chucking that out.
You might need that later." karl
pilkington-- 2005.
"waste not, want not" is perhaps
a little bit more pithy--
We should go through
great sayings and phrases
And see-- - well, first,
does he know what they mean?
- And then, secondly, can he improve them?
- That would be brilliant.
uh, let's see.
Okay, uh, winston churchill--
"never have so few done so
much for so many."
I.E. Means these few good men,
their actions freed the world.
They freed the world. They had an
impact on every person in the world
And they were a few brave men.
That's what he's saying.
Yeah, but what I'm saying is if I was
one of them men who gave up his life,
I'd want a name check.
I don't wanna be bungled in
With everyone else who
he's saying,
"hello, the blokes gave
you their lives.
Well done and that.
See you later."
- That's brilliant.
- Did you just say bungled in?
- He did, he did.
- Bungled in, yeah.
Bungled-- he made up a word.
- He doesn't wanna be bungled in.
- You made up a word.
See? That's it, you see?
We've been looking for it.
That's original.
That's karl pilkington.
"I don't want to be bungled in."
You know how we've chatted
about charities before--
Done a lot of stuff on that, right?
I was coming back from manchester,
Got off the train at euston,
right?
Got off the train, walking through
the busy bit and stuff.
There's this fella stood ther-
a charity worker, right?
Nice looking fella he's got his suit on,
a tie and everything--
Quite respectable in that, right?
I look down at his bucket.
All the money's been put in the bucket.
On the front of the bucket,
It says "collecting for the
homeless at christmas."
Now why can't they do that?
- What, the homeless?
- The homeless people.
Why is some fella
taking his time out--
His own time where
he could be at home?
Some of us have got
homes to go to.
- You know what I mean?
- You think just give them the buckets?
What are the homeless people
doing whilst he's doing that?
What have they got
on the timetable?
Cut out the middle man.
Cut out the middle man.
What would preve a homeless perso-
An entrepreneurial homeless person
Just getting a bucket and
writing it on there themselves?
Could I suest something?
Um, hunger.
Uh, some drug addiction.
Uh, traumas. Often mental illness.
Um, just possibly too
depressed to get up,
Put a suit on and
go to euston station
With a nice bucket
with some writing on I
And then I was thinking
about that, right?
I was walking down the street
in london with suzanne.
Saw a little homeless-- well,
I didn't see the homeless bloke, right?
I saw a g sticking out
of a doorway.
I thought, "here we go."
Walked past it, right?
You're not gonna believe this--
- Go on.
- Homeless...
- Yeah?
- ...Chinese fella.
I've never seen one of them.
No, I'm not having a go, right?
But have you ever-- do you know what I mean?
That was a shock to me.
I really don't think I have.
I think he's got me there.
I hate to say it,
But I must say I can't remember
Ever seeing a homeless
chinese person.
Weird, isn't it?
I walked past and I said to sunne,
"did you see that?"
She goes, "what?" I said,
"just look back there."
She's like, "what?" I said, "that
homeless fellow, look back at him."
She said, "what?" I said,
"he's chinese."
And she says, "yeah, good point."
"good point." 'course she did.
She said that to shut you up.
She didn't want to get into
a conversation with ya.
Rick, it's that time again. It's what
the whole world is waiting for now.
- Is it monkey news?
- It is monkey news.
Please perform live the jingle.
* oh, chimpanzee,
that monkey news. *
There we go.
All right then.
Well, got an email from john.
Um, if you've got any monkey
news going on in your area...
- Let us know.
- God, amazing.
There's a tv channel in moscow.
And I think they had a bit of
bad luck or something--
A lot of redundancies and that,
right?
And whoever was in charge of
it got a bit mental
And got rid of loads of people,
right?
They come in the next day
and they were like,
"are we ready to go live?"
And someone comes running in
with a clipboard saying,
"we haven't got any people
left to present."
- That's such nonsense.
- Right.
But I tell you what-
carry on, carry on.
So he goes, "what?"
If it's just one employee
turns out to be simian
And he's doing a good job,
I'm never doing this
radio show again.
So this tv channel it's
having a lot ofs pr.
They've got to go live, right?
He's like, "what am I gonna do?"
For some reason, there's a
chimp knocking about.
"for some reason"--
that's the key piece of information.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
"it doesn't matter. It d"
Imagine if that was in a film.
They're going, "I can't see where
this plot will go. He's just there."
So he sort of says,
"get it in a suit."
Why? - Because they'r
running out of ideas,
The clock's ticking, they've
got to go live with something.
What do you mean? He's presenting?
- What, it's a news program?
- He's presenting.
Listen, it's a chat show.
They can't talk.
Don't have a go at me.
Have a go at john who sent this in.
Be quiet. Let's hear it.
Let's hear the end.
So like I said,
they're going live--
Five, four, three, two, on e thchimp's
sat there on the chair.
He was like, "look, let's just get through
tonight's show and worry about this
tomorrow."
What are you talking about?
So they've put a chimp in a suit.
Was that hand made or were the
sleeves a bit short on him?
You idio tt,hink.
It's uthp ere and they're going,
"right, here we go.
Good luck, everyone."
- The chimp's there.
- What program is this?
- It's a chat show.
- But whose chat show is it?
Well, it's-- it's the monkey's now.
It's the monkey's now, is it?
I like the fact that they
put the chimp in a suit.
It's like no one's gonna
take ts hichat show seriously
If he's not dressed up,
if he's not smart.
"slovenly. Look at
that slovenly ape."
So anyway, let's get to the
point of it and that, right?
So anyway, they go on,
right? It's all going, going--
Didn't happen.
There's no way this happened.
Fundamental question:
How is the chimp asking questions?
Um, not sure about that bit,
But all I've got is the stuff that
was on the news site for this.
- Like I say--
- but it's rubbish!
- But I've given you some facts-
- - no, they're not--
Vei' told ya there's a tv channel in
moscow that's having problems, right?
- I've explained that bit.
- No, it's just rubbish.
They got rid of the presenters,
The monkey's sat there.
Don't worry about it.
Anyway, I'm telling you,
it goes all right.
It goes all right.
It's sat there, right?
- Absolute shit.
- They get to the first brea
They're like, "can't believe it."
The viewing figures-
they're loving it, right?
What? No! What? How do they know
the viewing figures in the break?
And atwh does the- what did the
chimp do in the first half?!
They had a big guest on tt haweek.
And what does he do?! Just talk to himself?
So cher comes on.
I'm not sure, but say
if it is cher, right?
The main gaffer is like,
"cher's gonna go mental
After this for putting her on with a monkey.
" - so now it is cher.
In his mind, it's cher sitting
there talkgin to a chimp in a suit
And they're filming
it for moscow tv
And the ratings are
going through the roof.
Presumably, there's a translator
'cause cher doesn't speak
either russian or chimp.
So she comes off,
right? The bloke who's in charge
Is like, "she's gonngoa mad.
She's nngoa go mad here."
She walks up, she goes,
"I love that," right?
She says that's one of the
best intervie, wsright?
So anyway, they decided, right?
It went so well, kept him on.
He's still there.
I love the fact cher was
an idea that steve threw up
And now she's going,
"I love that, I love that,
I love that chimp. Get me back there.
I wanna go to moscow."
Never mind. Unbelievable.
Don't have a go ate.
M have a go at john.
But if you'vgoe t any
monkey news, send it in.
ricky gervais,
Stephen merchant,
and karl pilkington
Have been meeting regularly
For a series of pointssle
conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right?
Hello and welcom e to
"the ricky gervais show"
With me, ricky gervais,
stephen mercntha...
Hello. -...And the ltlite
round-headed buffoon
That is karl pilkington.
Hi.
Do you know the other week
When I came up with
like a different idea
Of how we can sort o
make the world run?
Could we just ha a
quick recap of that?
I seem to rememb it was
a load of old arse.
It was ridiculous. It was, um--
He was saying that the
world is overpopulated.
So the system would be
Where people were living
too long and stuff.
So what happens is,
people live till 78--
I don't know how he
can enforce that--
But when they die,
They've got a little
baby in their stomach
Like a pip in an apple
That then carries on when they die.
It wasn't a theory.
It wasn't an idea.
It was the ramblings
of a mental case.
You're saying it's stupid,
but someone's email said,
"oh, yeah, that's pretty good."
- Just saying.
- Go on.
...If th's a no,
I've been thinking about--
- It is a no.
- --What about
If we do it the other way, right?
- Ah.
- Go on.
Somehow-- I don't know how yet--
A kid has an old lady?
That's what it's gonna be,
isn't it?
- A chilt gives birth to an old man?
- No.
What I'm saying is,
work the other way around.
- Come on then.
- So if somehow
We can inject something
In a body that's just died, right?
Listen to this.
Imagine that's his notes.
When he hands it to the
nobel people
D they go, "'if there's a way that
We can inject something,
'" they go "well, what?"
I don't know the chemical formula,
But something. Something-h02.
Right. So you inject
it in the temple--
He's narrowed it
down to the temple.
- So what happens?
- She wakes up, right?
Amazing. - And she
works the other way.
So she might be 77
And then she'll have
a birthday, she's 76.
And she's working that way,
if you know what I mean.
- Okay.
- Are you with me?
Because the thing is you've got--
- I have no idea.
- I'm really scared.
- Yeah.
- I'm really scared.
This is the maddest thing
you've ever said. - Yeah.
This is madder than the old lady with
a pip like an apple in her belly.
- It sort of did work.
- This is--
No, it didn't work it
worked in your head
It's like a dream that
you wake up and go,
- "I've got a great theory."
- this is what-- this is it.
Let me just tell you the ending
Because the ending
works out a bit better.
- Go on.
- What I'm saying is
- When you die at the age of-
- - 78.
- --Nine months.
- What?
At the age of nine months.
That's when you come out.
What do you mean when you die
at the age of nine months?
You're not scared of dying
'cause you're now a baby
So you don't know
what's going on anyway.
- There's no fear.
- So you missed a bit here.
So this woman literally gets
younger and younger?
I think when she's in her 20s
she's in her old age, rick.
Yeah, but it doesn't matter
Because that's the fun part
of your life, isn't it,
When you're 20 and you've got
all your energy and that?
Before you die you're
actually having a good life
Rather than it being
the other way around.
But does she do different stuff
than she did on the way up?
She's already lived 78 years,
hasn't she?
Don't forget. She was a baby once
And she gr to her years
and then someone--
Then when someone stuck a
needle in her head
And said, "right, back you go."
No. Well, forget all that bit.
Oh, forget all that bit.
How do we forget that bit?
- What I'm saying is--
- so she died
And she doesn't remember-
this is a new life, is it?
Let me just leave you
with this. - Right.
You're talking shit,
explain yourself.
But aren't the family
getting younger as well?
- What's happened
- karl: Forget it.
- Leave it as it is.
- Leave it as it is?
Shall we?Can we all
agre on that, guys?
Should we agree to leave it as it is?
Is that all right?
'cause I don't wanna hear anymore
From the diaries of charles manson.
I mean, you're a fucking maniac.
Friend of mine got a gift-
or rath gave it as a gift.
I don't know if you've
been familiar with these.
It's a charity organization.
You go on their website
or you can phone them up.
You can give someone else
the gift of say, a goat.
And it's a sort of goodwill thing,
you know what I mean?
So you buy, you buy an
african family, uh, a goat...
That will help them
for years to come.
That's like sayi "well, I would
have bought you a present..."
"but I've used that money wisel"
Yeah, so it's almost
like they've given...
- Exactly. -...The present-
- they've given the goat.
Yeah, it's a beautiful idea.
But as soon as he told me about it,
I thought to myself straight away,
Knowing karl's vie on
charity and giving,
I wondered what his views would be.
Well, are they happy with
the present over there--
The people who are getting it?
You-- you're an idiot.
What, you think an african
family wakes up
And there's a little goat with
aibbon tied around it
And they go, "oh,
look atwh santa brought us."
"look, and that mince pie is gone
and that glass of milk."
- You'reuc sh an idiot.
- No no no.
What I'm saying ,
is does that family want a goat?
- Yes.
- But why?
It's not that they want a goat.
It's that they need a goat.
Do you think-- what do you
think this organization is?
Apparently giving goats to people.
They're gonna-- they're gonna say,
"oh, I wanted nintendo"?
- What are you thinking?
- What I'm saying is,
Let me put myself in their shoes.
Well, this'll be a first.
But say I'one of them over there.
I'm sat there.
It's christmas day, right?
I open it up. I open the present.
A little goat there, right?
Now if I was one of them,
I would be going,
"not another mouth to feed."
At the end of the day,
there isn't enough food
To go arou for themselves,
never mind a goat.
Don't they say having a
dog is quite expensive?
Sometimes they say, you know,
With all the injections
you've got to give it--
Well, I'm assuming
it's all above board.
The goat's had its injections.
That's what some of the
money goes towards.
It's just a way of
redirecting cash.
But the thing is why do they want that goat?
What's the main reason?
To-- what-- who--
What's the main-
what does a go give ya?
- Both: Milk.
- Right.
Wouldn't it be easier to just
send them a bottle of milk...
...Without all the hassle and
headaches that come with it?
That's all I'm saying. And the other
thing is, think about the goat--
That was happy over here.
Suddenly it's on barren land-
no grass.
I'm gonna burst.
What do you mean?
He didn't send a goat from here.
I'm saying who's happy at
the end of this, right?
You've got a fella who hasn't
got a present over here
Because the mate bought him a goat,
right?
So yea let's do this properly.
So there's a tick.
He's not happy, all right?
Then you've got the person
who's opened it who,
Like you said, wanted summat else,
right?
It's a goat. They go,
"who's gonna look after this?"
So, tick, they're not happy.
And then you've got the goat going,
"what am I doing here?"
Definitely love this, surely.
Have you started seeing
this now? Virgin?
They've started plugging
virgin galactic.
I think it's somethi
nglike 200,000 quid
And like you will get a chance to
go ina space shuttle into space.
Karl. Thoughts?
Go into space?
Wouldn't it be a
fascinating experience
To go into space and look
back at the earth?
I mean, well, at what point
are you meant to be happy?
Do you know what I mean?
You're floating about out there.
And don't get out, do y?Ou
Uh, you mean,
to do so duty-free shopping?
I'm just talking. You don't go
floating about. You stay in your seat.
Mm. They probably let you
move around on the shuttle.
Yeah, I know, but I'm
talking about getting out.
- When you go on over there--
- but you wanna go into acspe?
Yes, but that's what I'm saying.
When you go on holiday,
the flight bit
Isn't the best bit of the holiday,
is it?
That's the bit you've got to do.
So what I'm saying is
You've got to stay on this and
then you go back home?
You don't take luggage, right?
I don't see the point.
So you're there. You're sat in
your own clothes the whole time.
Same clothes the whole time.
But I don't deunrstand.
What iths e point?
I think it's the view-
I think it's two things.
I think it's the view
And being able to be part
of an exclusive club--
"I went into space."
Uh, it's that thing about
man conquering nature.
And you're one of the elite few
That managed to pop up,
see the world from a distance
That no one else can see
it omfr and then pop down.
All that way just for the view?
Yeah.
Is it worth it?
There's a lot of other
places I haven't seen anyway
Before I think about that.
I think if you've gone everywhere--
I haven't been to
scotland yet, right?
If we gave it to you
free of charge--
If we said, "karl,
go up in space"--
I know the answer to this, steve.
He's thinking "I'd like
to meet some aliens
- That can talk like I do"...
- Yeah.
..."and I can understand them and
they can tell me summat."
" like what?" "oh, that they met god-
he was all right."
That's the sort of thing.
That's what he's gonna say.
He'd like them to look like
monkeys in spacesuits.
That'd be his ideal thing. He'd like
to go to the planet of the apes.
That's what I was gonna say.
He would love to go there.
Lookhe, 's nodding. He's nodding.
Thoughts, karl? - Yeah,
that'd be brilliant.
What would bbre illian t?-
Seeing a little alien
And having a chat with him,
finding out what's been going on.
"what's been going on."
No no. Don't you think that--
I mean, if you bought me that
as a present, either of ya...
Yeah. -...I wouldn't be that happy.
For me, that's a little bit like--
Well, this is annoying
Because we got you a trip
to space and a goat. - Yeah.
Do you know how I'm interested
In sort of going on anheotr planet?
Karl, you are on
another planet, mate.
No no, but you know what I mean?
It'd be quite sort of interesting.
Hodow you think u'yod get there?
Well, yeah, you'd go
on a rocket and stuff,
But what I'm saying, at least you
know when you get there,
You're getting out,
you're having a t of a wander.
I wouldn't be happy in
just the journey bit oft.
- That's all I'm saying.
- That's great, isn't it?
But the thing is, right?
I was looking into it a bit
'cause I was reading about
the virgin thing, right?
And I was reading
something that in 1971,
Three of them went up there.
There was one bloke in the rocket,
right?
The other two wandered off,
had a walkabout,
Seeing what rocks they
could find and that.
That bloke who was in the rocket,
He was the loneliest man ever...
In the world.
- I don't know what to do.
- I don't know what that was.
I don't know if that's some
sort of profound poetry or--
Do you know I think
he's trying to say?
He's trying to say he was,
by definition,
Human furthest away from
all other human contact.
- Yeah yeah, that's what I said.
- Yeah, okay.
No, you said "loneliest.
" loneliest evokes emotion.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
It's like he started
crying and writing poetry
And listening to
morrissey records.
But what I was thinking is,
Do you think when he
got up in the morning,
He still bothered to
put his clothes on?
That's the first thing
that came into yr mind
When you pictured him in there.
At the end of the day,
even if me girlfriend is at work and tt,
I'm not happy walking about
with everything out
'cause you never know what's
going to happen.
I just mean, you never know
if someone's gonna turn up.
No, I don't like-
I always pop some pants on
- Or a towel even if I'm alone.
- Not always.
'cause I've knocked on
your door when you've--
No no, he's taking you've been
his trousers off.Od there with--
I did it especially knowing
that you were there.
I did it especially to annoy you.
Yeah, so--
But do you know what I mean?
Do you think he, do you think
he was walking about the rocket
With his tackle out-- if they go,
"well, no one's watching here."
Do you reckon it floats up or down?
Well, um, if you are the man
who was up in the space rocket
And was for a short period the loneliest
man in the world, we'd love to hear from
you.
We'd love to hear what you did
with your time, how lonely you felt
And also, did you-
did you float around
With your cock and bal?
Karl, if you could have a
superpower like superman,
What would you superpower be?
Can I sugges consciousness? - Yeah.
Can I have the power of thought?
Remember, you've already
got opposable thumbs.
- So cross that one off the list.
- Go on, karl.
There's so many to choose
from telepathy, x-ray vision.
Flight, invisibility.
Choose it wisely.
Strength, intelligence.
But why have I been picked? - Oh,
for god's sake.
- I'm just saying--
- it's rob's question for you.
But I justay-
does anyone else want this?
Do you know what I mean?
No, "what do you wish you could do
That's impossible?
" is the question.
Or-- what? What do you mean?
Because with that comes
a responsibility--
With enormous power does
come great responsibility.
So would you like spidey senses?
Is that what you're saying?
- Uh...
- Stephen: Come on, karl.
You know what these superheroes can do.
They can freeze things--
I know, but it always-
they're never happy, are they?
You know what I mean?
Spiderman wanted to tell that girl
That he can climb walls and that
and he's like, "I can't."
Superman never told louis and that.
It's lois. Who's louis?
- Louis.
- Who's louis?
It's just a penpal of superman's.
Louis-- his little secret chum!
Yeah.
"hello, supean. " - "hello, louis,
wha are you doing?"
"hey, superman, hey, um,
who are ya?"
"I can't tell you, louis.
" brilliant.
You know-- hulk, he wasn't happy.
"hulk. He wasn't happy."
It's true. He's got a theme.
He has got a theme.
There's not many hap
superheroes, are there?
But leaving aside the superheroes
you're already aware of,
What superpower would you want?
You don't have to fight
crime with it, karl.
Let me just remind you of some
of the things-- invisibility.
All the time, though?
Or can I sort of turn that on and off?
Let's say you could turn that on
and off would that interest you?
Yeah. I'll have that.
Right.
Okay, and what would you do
with this power of invisibility?
Just sort of wander about
and just not get seen.
It's a brilliant power.
It's so brilliant and he's put--
And he's put it to
such brilliant use.
It's really well done.
And why would you wanna walk
around and not be seen and that?
Uh... - What would you
gain from that?
...Don't know.
You could sort of go in
shops when they're shut.
So you don't have to
go with the crowds.
- How would you get in?
- Get in just before they lock up.
Oh, yeah? How would you get out?
- Wait till the mornin
- brilliant.
So hang on. So that's
your use of invisibility?
You found the power of
invisibility,
You want to sneak into never mind.
Hang on, you want to
sneak into hmv,
Wait for 12 hours and then
buy something...
Oh, I love it.
...Just so that you don't have
to be there with other people.
Do you know what? I don't want it.
- I don't want a power
- why not?
'cause I just don't think
it would do me any good.
I think it's more of a hindrance.
I love this.
He'd like-- just think
of his presents.
We've given you a goat,
a trip into space
And the chance to be invisible.
Not happy with any of them.
Yeah, what he wants
is a voucher for hmv.
Yeah yeah yeah. He just wants
some tokens for a record shop.
Just going though a few
more of these emails.
This one's from ke from
nova scotia, canada.
He says, karl-
he's wondering if you've got
Y personal mantras that
you could pass along.
For instance he reminds us
Of ben franklin's famous mantra--
"waste not, want not."
- Who said that?
- Ben franklin.
What was he-- what did he do?
What was his job?
Benjamin franklin was a well-respect
american politician
From the 1800s he was a
thinker a philosopher--
- Ricky: He did experiments.
- --A scientist, deeply respected--
- Ricky: He's on money.
- --Also a big political figure.
He's featured on the $1 bill or
$10 bill or something.
He's one of th great sort of american
enlightenment thinkers.
And he came up éwith the mantra,
"waste not, want not."
You must know "waste not, want not.
" I mean, that's just--
Do you understand the phrase
"waste not, want not"?
No, not really, no.
What does it mean?
- I've never used it.
- It's like,
"don't throw stuff away
'cause you might
need it and therefore
You won't be wanting anything
Because you didn't throw it away."
So he was a bit of a hoarder.
- If you don't waste food--
- "he was a bit of a hoarder."
for god's sake.
No no, but I'm just saying,
he's a man in power.
Is that the best
thing he ever said?
No, I'm sure he me up
with many profound things.
So why is that one remembered?
He did experimen in electricity
and conducting electricity.
But that impresses me more--
Inventin' electricity-
than someone--
- He didn't invent electricity.
- Wait a minute.
Impress you more than what?
Just saying "waste not, want not."
I don't think it's that good.
It's not even catchy.
Uh, how would you word it?
I'd just say, "whoa whoa,
don't be chucking that out.
- You might need that later."
- "don't be chucking that out.
You might need that later." karl
pilkington-- 2005.
"waste not, want not" is perhaps
a little bit more pithy--
We should go through
great sayings and phrases
And see-- - well, first,
does he know what they mean?
- And then, secondly, can he improve them?
- That would be brilliant.
uh, let's see.
Okay, uh, winston churchill--
"never have so few done so
much for so many."
I.E. Means these few good men,
their actions freed the world.
They freed the world. They had an
impact on every person in the world
And they were a few brave men.
That's what he's saying.
Yeah, but what I'm saying is if I was
one of them men who gave up his life,
I'd want a name check.
I don't wanna be bungled in
With everyone else who
he's saying,
"hello, the blokes gave
you their lives.
Well done and that.
See you later."
- That's brilliant.
- Did you just say bungled in?
- He did, he did.
- Bungled in, yeah.
Bungled-- he made up a word.
- He doesn't wanna be bungled in.
- You made up a word.
See? That's it, you see?
We've been looking for it.
That's original.
That's karl pilkington.
"I don't want to be bungled in."
You know how we've chatted
about charities before--
Done a lot of stuff on that, right?
I was coming back from manchester,
Got off the train at euston,
right?
Got off the train, walking through
the busy bit and stuff.
There's this fella stood ther-
a charity worker, right?
Nice looking fella he's got his suit on,
a tie and everything--
Quite respectable in that, right?
I look down at his bucket.
All the money's been put in the bucket.
On the front of the bucket,
It says "collecting for the
homeless at christmas."
Now why can't they do that?
- What, the homeless?
- The homeless people.
Why is some fella
taking his time out--
His own time where
he could be at home?
Some of us have got
homes to go to.
- You know what I mean?
- You think just give them the buckets?
What are the homeless people
doing whilst he's doing that?
What have they got
on the timetable?
Cut out the middle man.
Cut out the middle man.
What would preve a homeless perso-
An entrepreneurial homeless person
Just getting a bucket and
writing it on there themselves?
Could I suest something?
Um, hunger.
Uh, some drug addiction.
Uh, traumas. Often mental illness.
Um, just possibly too
depressed to get up,
Put a suit on and
go to euston station
With a nice bucket
with some writing on I
And then I was thinking
about that, right?
I was walking down the street
in london with suzanne.
Saw a little homeless-- well,
I didn't see the homeless bloke, right?
I saw a g sticking out
of a doorway.
I thought, "here we go."
Walked past it, right?
You're not gonna believe this--
- Go on.
- Homeless...
- Yeah?
- ...Chinese fella.
I've never seen one of them.
No, I'm not having a go, right?
But have you ever-- do you know what I mean?
That was a shock to me.
I really don't think I have.
I think he's got me there.
I hate to say it,
But I must say I can't remember
Ever seeing a homeless
chinese person.
Weird, isn't it?
I walked past and I said to sunne,
"did you see that?"
She goes, "what?" I said,
"just look back there."
She's like, "what?" I said, "that
homeless fellow, look back at him."
She said, "what?" I said,
"he's chinese."
And she says, "yeah, good point."
"good point." 'course she did.
She said that to shut you up.
She didn't want to get into
a conversation with ya.
Rick, it's that time again. It's what
the whole world is waiting for now.
- Is it monkey news?
- It is monkey news.
Please perform live the jingle.
* oh, chimpanzee,
that monkey news. *
There we go.
All right then.
Well, got an email from john.
Um, if you've got any monkey
news going on in your area...
- Let us know.
- God, amazing.
There's a tv channel in moscow.
And I think they had a bit of
bad luck or something--
A lot of redundancies and that,
right?
And whoever was in charge of
it got a bit mental
And got rid of loads of people,
right?
They come in the next day
and they were like,
"are we ready to go live?"
And someone comes running in
with a clipboard saying,
"we haven't got any people
left to present."
- That's such nonsense.
- Right.
But I tell you what-
carry on, carry on.
So he goes, "what?"
If it's just one employee
turns out to be simian
And he's doing a good job,
I'm never doing this
radio show again.
So this tv channel it's
having a lot ofs pr.
They've got to go live, right?
He's like, "what am I gonna do?"
For some reason, there's a
chimp knocking about.
"for some reason"--
that's the key piece of information.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
"it doesn't matter. It d"
Imagine if that was in a film.
They're going, "I can't see where
this plot will go. He's just there."
So he sort of says,
"get it in a suit."
Why? - Because they'r
running out of ideas,
The clock's ticking, they've
got to go live with something.
What do you mean? He's presenting?
- What, it's a news program?
- He's presenting.
Listen, it's a chat show.
They can't talk.
Don't have a go at me.
Have a go at john who sent this in.
Be quiet. Let's hear it.
Let's hear the end.
So like I said,
they're going live--
Five, four, three, two, on e thchimp's
sat there on the chair.
He was like, "look, let's just get through
tonight's show and worry about this
tomorrow."
What are you talking about?
So they've put a chimp in a suit.
Was that hand made or were the
sleeves a bit short on him?
You idio tt,hink.
It's uthp ere and they're going,
"right, here we go.
Good luck, everyone."
- The chimp's there.
- What program is this?
- It's a chat show.
- But whose chat show is it?
Well, it's-- it's the monkey's now.
It's the monkey's now, is it?
I like the fact that they
put the chimp in a suit.
It's like no one's gonna
take ts hichat show seriously
If he's not dressed up,
if he's not smart.
"slovenly. Look at
that slovenly ape."
So anyway, let's get to the
point of it and that, right?
So anyway, they go on,
right? It's all going, going--
Didn't happen.
There's no way this happened.
Fundamental question:
How is the chimp asking questions?
Um, not sure about that bit,
But all I've got is the stuff that
was on the news site for this.
- Like I say--
- but it's rubbish!
- But I've given you some facts-
- - no, they're not--
Vei' told ya there's a tv channel in
moscow that's having problems, right?
- I've explained that bit.
- No, it's just rubbish.
They got rid of the presenters,
The monkey's sat there.
Don't worry about it.
Anyway, I'm telling you,
it goes all right.
It goes all right.
It's sat there, right?
- Absolute shit.
- They get to the first brea
They're like, "can't believe it."
The viewing figures-
they're loving it, right?
What? No! What? How do they know
the viewing figures in the break?
And atwh does the- what did the
chimp do in the first half?!
They had a big guest on tt haweek.
And what does he do?! Just talk to himself?
So cher comes on.
I'm not sure, but say
if it is cher, right?
The main gaffer is like,
"cher's gonna go mental
After this for putting her on with a monkey.
" - so now it is cher.
In his mind, it's cher sitting
there talkgin to a chimp in a suit
And they're filming
it for moscow tv
And the ratings are
going through the roof.
Presumably, there's a translator
'cause cher doesn't speak
either russian or chimp.
So she comes off,
right? The bloke who's in charge
Is like, "she's gonngoa mad.
She's nngoa go mad here."
She walks up, she goes,
"I love that," right?
She says that's one of the
best intervie, wsright?
So anyway, they decided, right?
It went so well, kept him on.
He's still there.
I love the fact cher was
an idea that steve threw up
And now she's going,
"I love that, I love that,
I love that chimp. Get me back there.
I wanna go to moscow."
Never mind. Unbelievable.
Don't have a go ate.
M have a go at john.
But if you'vgoe t any
monkey news, send it in.