The Ricky Gervais Show (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 2 - Knob at Night - full transcript

( instrumental music playing )

Announcer: For the past
few years ricky gervais,

Stephen merchant,
and karl pilkington

Have been meeting regularly

For a series of
pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

( dings )

Hello and welcome to
"the ricky gervais show"

With me, ricky gervais,
stephen merchant...

Hello. -...And the
little round-headed buffoon



That is karl pilkington.

Hi.

Rick, you'll be pleased to know
we've already had some responses.

Simon and mark have already
emailed us in this link

To something that was
on the bbc news website.

I don't know if you're familiar with this,
but it's a remarkable story.

"lion mutilates 42 midgets
in cambodian ring fight."

- That's just the headline.
- That's ahead of a headline.

That makes me want to
know more about the story.

That's what a headline should do.

"spectators cheered as the entire
cambodian miet fighting league

Squared off against
an african lion.

Tickets had been
sold out three weeks

Before the much- anticipated fight.



The fight was organized
when an angry fan

Contested yang sihamoni,
president of the c.M.F.L.,

Claiming that one lion could defeat
his entire league of 42 fighters."

Well, the fight was ended,
rick, after only 12 minutes,

After which 28 of
the midget fighters

- Were declared dead...
- Right.

...While the other 14
suffered severe injuries

Including broken bones, lost limbs and-
they were basically unable to fight.

- But the lion wasn't hurt?
- It would seem that the lion was okay.

Oh, good. Well, that's amazing.

Karl, what are your
thoughts instantly?

I mean, you're bound
to have a take on that.

See, what's annoying me is
I've sent money to cambodia

Because apparently they're hungry
and haven't got any energy.

- ( snickering )
- so what's going on?

Well, it's much easier
to fill up a midget

Than it is a regular cambodian.

You know, they're
happy on a mars bar.

I just feel like I'm
being cheated a bit.

You were conned before with
a charity, weren't you?

- Well, a few times, yeah.
- What about the old lady?

- What was that?
- I got stopped.

And it's like, uh,
they sort of drag you in by saying,

"have you got a gran?" and I said,
"no, they died."

It's like, "oh,
did they die of the cold?"

"no, she was just ill,
what have you-- old age."

She said, "well, what happens
with a lot of people's grans

Is they die in the cold."

I was like, "oh,
that's bad, innit?"

So she's chatting and
showing me pictures

Of these old women who look cold,

Saying, "look at her. That's edna.

She's got no family.

She can't pay the
bills" and all that.

So I'm like, "oh yeah?" anyway,
it goes on for about 15 minutes.

You feel bad. You give them
your bank details, right?

And what happens is,
every couple of months

You get a letter from edna.

It's not from her.
It's typed up and what have you.

But there's a picture of edna.

It's saying, "this December,

Edna's gonna be extra cold.
It's cold outside.

She can't afford to pay the heat."

Yeah. - So you keep
paying every month,

Like £5 or whatever.

Get another letter
a few months later.

Edna's sat there-- she's got a tan.

( laughs ) what do you mean,
she's got a tan?

Well, when they said she's cold,

I thought they meant for the heat and
not to send her on holiday for a month.

She's sat there with a tan.
I'm not joking.

( guffaws ) - are you
sure it wasn't just

- A slight problem in the printing?
- No no, definitely.

- She looked well happy.
- Are you sure it wasn't liver failure?

You see, when does it become bad

To avoid people like that?

Swme people say you shouldn't--

That they're people like us
who've just had a bit of bad luck.

- Well, of course they are.
- Yeah, I know,

But I remember one on our estate.

She was a bit-- what's the
word that you can use?

I don't want to offend anyone.

Homeless person. - Yeah,
but sort of a mental homeless.

That's the official term.

- Yes, I think that-
- - that is the very official term.

"it's mental-
homeless-itis." - right.

So she lived on the
estate and what have you.

And she aged-- - how was she
homeless if she lived othe estate?

Well, she sort of decided
to stay around there...

All right. -...
'cause people on the estate

Spoke to her more than
people who had money.

So this mental illness
woman on the estate--

And what she used to do--

She acted quite normal.

And she used to always push
a pram around with her.

I was like, "she can't
have a kid, can she?"

And she was dead happy every day
walking up and down the road.

Anyway, one day she
had a walk past.

I turned around and
looked in the pram.

- It was a bucket with a face on it.
- ( ricky, stephen laughing )

( glugs )

Rick, we've had an email
here from a bloke.

I think you're gonna respect him,

Because I think you can tell
straight away from his name

That he's the kind of guy
you'd want to hang out with.

Go on. - I know how
much you love fun people.

- Yeah. - Well, paul-
- and he's calling himself this--

Paul "the party animal" parker,
he's emailed in.

He's given himself that moniker.

Right. I assume they're
in quote marks, are they?

They're in speech marks.
Paul "the party animal" parker.

And he's called
himself that? - Yeah.

I can't-- - when you picture him,
what are you thinking?

- Milhouse.
- Right, okay.

I think he looks like
milhouse from "the simpsons."

( stammers ) - he's working
in sort of an I.T. Department?

Ricky: Yeah, probably.

I think he might
still be at school.

And this is the final question:

Do you believe him
to be a party animal?

I believe him to be a party animal

Inasmuch that a man with a long
scarf that his mom knitted him

To look like dr.
Who can be a party animal.

Do you think that when people are
organizing parties at his school,

They're thinking the first person
they've got to get on the list--

To make sure-- - "you've got
to take paul 'the party animal.'"

I bet he's got millions
of affectations.

I bet he's the one
who wants to be known

As the one who carries
around a biscuit tin.

He's the guy who only
ever wears bowling shoes.

- It's his thing. It's his thing.
- ( ricky cackling )

He's a little bit kooky.
It's his thing.

And it is fairly interesting
what he's sent in.

He's found this on the web--

A serbian man who has invented

A sex machine for women.

He's appealing to western
women to test his device.

It runs on a 390-volt
electric engine,

Simulates sex and has a
7 1/2" artificial penis.

As soon as I read this,
I was thinking--

Just imagine in there going,
"oh, thanks for coming in.

So what's gonna happen is there's a
penis that's gonna pop out from here

And it's gonna have sex with you.

I'm gonna stand behind the machine.
" - ( ricky laughing )

"I'm gonna stand behind here.
There's a lot of dials

And stuff that I don't
want to bore you with."

Ricky: "why do you stand behind it?
" - "it's technical.

I've got to be behind the machine."

"there's no penis at the moment.
Just a hole."

"don't worry. What'll happen is

I'll switch the machine on,
I'll go behind

And then a penis will appear."

"will it be a metal-looking penis?"

"it will be a robotic penis,
but it will seem

Like it's a regular
fleshy human penis."

"so you've made this robot
penis look really realistic."

"it's really realistic.
You will not be able

To tell the difference between
the robot one and mine."

"well, I don't want to see yours.
" - "no, absolutely not."

"I've not come here to
have sex with a person."

"you've come to have sex with a machine.
That's what you're gonna get

- With the use of mechanical"-
- - ( both laugh )

To a lot of people,
sex is important.

Not to you? - Well,
it serves a purpose.

( laughs ) what purpose?

You don't want to have kids,
so what purpose?

- Just, you know.
- Something to do in the evening?

- Summat to do, innit?
- When the telly's broke.

But for years,
they've found machines

- From, like, roman times.
- No.

No machines in roman times.

Like that, though-- the old,
sort of knob- on-a-stick machine.

( both laugh )

The old roman knob on a stick?

I'm sorry, but I've watched
"time team" every week

And tony robinson has
never done that--

An knob-on-a-stick machine.

I just think of julius
caesar sitting down

And going, "okay, aqueduct,
we love that. Thanks for that.

Straight roads? Good idea.
We can see the enemy coming."

"well, I've"-- - "glonkticus,
what have you got there?

- Wanklicus."
- ( stephen laughs )

"what I've got here
is a ye olde knob

And I've put that on
the end of a stick."

"oh, a stickus phallus?
Well done, wanklicus.

Well done. You are my new right-hand man,
as they say. Excellent."

But they do do stuff like that.

You've been in the london
museum and they've got

Sort of sex stuff from years ago.

They've got these metal pants
that they used to wear.

- I don't know what that is!
- Metal pants?

- Yeah, a sort of metal--
- a chastity belt, you mean?

They used to make women wear them.

No, but they have them for
blokes as well, though.

Metal pants for blokes? Why?

No, I just think they liked
sort of sexy metal pants.

I don't know what you
mean by sexy metal pants.

Well, we'll have to look,
'cause I haven't got it in front of me.

It's just something I remember seeing-
sexy metal pants.

But what are you saying?
Sexy metal pants?

Karl, that was no british museum-
that was soho.

That was old compton street.
You were looking in a shop window.

They always had to be
ready for battle and that,

But these were a little bit sexy,

But protective at the same time.

( cackles ) I love that!

Sir lancelot, are you ready
to face the black knight?

What do you think of these, huh?

I want to look good
on the battlefield.

Will there be women watching,
cheering us on?

Well, you're not gonna
fight like that, are you?

I'm gonna wear nothing except
these sexy metal pants.

What about-- your chest is exposed.

Well, it's a good chest.
I've been working out.

No, but what I mean is
you want metal all over.

I've actually been lifting
up the round table.

I just work out,
do that about four times a day.

But that machine, right, why--

Did it have to be a woman

Or could they have got
a little gay fellow in?

I-- I--

- Let me just check. Um...
- ( both laugh )

It doesn't actually specify
in the small print.

I love that. Why do you want
to see a little gay fellow be--

No, I don't want to see it.
I'm just saying--

- Karl, why do you want--
- I don't want to see it.

Why do you want to watch a gay
man get buggered by a robot?

I wasn't the one typing in
"gay machines" on the internet.

- Steve was.
- It's not a gay machine!

You just made it into
a gay machine. - Yeah.

He wanted to pleasure
women with this machine.

You're saying,
"can I see a little gay fellow

Get a robotic cock up his ass?"

You're the one requesting that,
karl pilkington.

I don't want that.
I'm just saying--

You're the one that
wants to see gay men

With metal stuff up their anus.

All I'm saying is

They're up for a bit more
experimentation than--

- What are you saying? Why is that the case?
- Why? Why'd you say that?

No, just-- just, you know--

Butt plugs and that.
What I'm saying is--

You can't just say "
butt plugs and that."

I'm just saying that I
reckon they'd be up for it.

- What do you know about butt plugs?
- I don't know anything.

I just remember seeing an advert
for some ones in a sex shop.

What are you doing-
what are you doing--

No, I wasn't.
I was just walking past.

I was walking past the
sex shop and that.

Mm-hmm.

Why were you walking
past a sex shop?

It was on the way to work.
I passed one.

There was a little, sort of--

One: It was open early,
which I never understood.

Right? It was about 8:
00 in the morning.

Who's rushing out for butt plugs
that early in the morning?

Yeah. Who needs them now, right?

"I must get a bagel and some
poppers on the way to work."

I walked past and it had
like a little st-it note--

A postcard type thing
and it was like,

"pop in now, buy an item,
chuck in some free butt plugs."

I didn't know what they were for.
I'd never heard of them.

All I'm saying is I've since found
out what they do do with them.

- What do they do with them?
- And if they do do that with them,

Give 'em a go on that.

( laughs )

I've another email here. It's an
interesting fact. I'm hoping it's true.

America's first nudist organization

Apparently was founded in 1929

By three men.

Now what intrigued
me when I read that

Is the fact that it's
clearly three blokes

Just trying to meet
some nude women.

They're all 52 and balding...

Exactly.

-...With little-sized
gold-rimmed glasses. - Yeah.

Yeah. - And they're
just wandering around

And it's all quite
saggy down there.

They're knocking on doors saying,
"we've just set up an organization.

It's above-board, completely legitimate.
It's a nudist organization.

Um, you got any women in there
that want to come and join us?

We don't have any female
members at the moment.

Got any women in there, you know,
interested in volleyball or"--

I can't be dealing with that, me.

You hate nudists,
don't you? - Nudists.

I don't understand what it's all
about at the end of the day.

And here's something:

Do you know--
when you're a bloke nudist,

Do you ever get any

Who just have, like, a small knob?

I don't understand the question.

What's your point?

Well, you know,
are there any blokes

Who just have a normal-sized knob
or maybe a bit smaller than normal

Who are happy wandering
about showing off

What they haven't got,
if you know what I mean?

I don't think nudists are doing it

'cause they're so proud
of their knob. - ( laughs )

No, but there's got to be a
little bit of that, isn't there?

I'm just saying most
blokes who are nudists,

They must be pretty
confident in themselves.

I looked once.

- Where are you hanging out?
- What is this?

- It's natural, that's what I'm saying.
- What do you mean?

Where was this happening?

So you were in a gym and a lot
of guys are getting changed

And you're just checking
out their knobs?

You're at your bedroom window
with a pair of binoculars

And there was a little fellow
across the road getting changed.

I was at some night out once--

So you were at heaven and
you were in the toilets.

--At some night out

And some people come
running on the stage.

Some music started coming on
and these four people run out--

Two women-- - so you're
at a gay strip club.

It wasn't gay.
It was just a normal night--

Well, some sort of party night out.

These-- these people
come running on, right?

You got two women.
You got two blokes.

They whip their knickers off,
the fellows whip their undies off.

- At the same time?
- Yeah, all at the same time.

Was it like a choreographed thing?

- Go on.
- So that happened

And all I'm saying is

Before I had a look at
the woman's bits, right,

I just had a little cheeky
glance at the fellas.

- Both: Why?
- Just checking it out.

Just seeing is everything
normal down there.

Why weren't your eyes drawn
instantly to the ladies' bits?

I-- no, believe me,
I had a look at that.

- All I'm saying-
- - but you went to the guys first.

Just-- just-- I didn't know how long
pants were gonna be left off for.

So you didn't wanna miss your
opportunity is what you're saying.

You saw window of opportunity
to see some men's bits

And you thought "I'd
better take it." - no no.

- 'cause this may never happen again.
- So what happened?

So you-- there's two women,
two men, right?

Um, I don't know what
sort of event this is

Where you're looking at anyone
get their knickers and pants off.

I don't know why
you're looking at all.

So you go-- you go, "right.

There's knickers and
pants off, right.

Let's check out the knob
and testicles first."

You're telling meyo-

When you've been in
a gym or anything,

You've not just sort
of turned your head,

Had a look and gone, "yep,
that's all right."

So let's just get
this question right.

Have we ever been in a gym

And just taken a sneaky
glance at a man's genitals?

- Is that your question?
- Right.

For me, it's the same
as when you see someone

Who's a bit odd-
two heads or whatever.

Well, I'll be honest.

If I was in a gym and a bloke
came in with two heads, I'd look.

I'd try-- I'd get a sneaky
glance in the mirror. I'd go--

Sorry, but you'd look at his
genitals or his two heads?

- His two heads.
- Or would you sneak--

You'd look at the heads and then think,
"I wonder if he's got two cocks."

I don't-- have a look there.

I tell you what-- now I admit it.

If I'm ever in a
gym and a naked man

With two heads walks in, I probably
will check out the genitals as well,

Just to make sure that
he's got two of everything.

Can I tell you the thing
that always freaks me out?

I do sometimes go to the gym
and I live in north london.

And the thing that
always freaks me out

Is if there's an elderly man-
often quite short--

Uh, I'm always freaked out

'cause there's at
least two I'm aware of

Who've got very very large penises.

And I always find
that really disturbing

'cause I--
you can't help but notice

'cause it's like godzilla coming
through the changing room.

Do you know what I mean?
So that I do admit.

That's the only instance where my
eyes'd be naturally drawn to it.

Do you know what annoys me in gyms?

Where people walk around happily
naked all the time whistling.

They get weighed naked.

Pop a towel on and
take off three ounces.

How exact have those
measurements gotta be?

Yeah. - Do you know what I mean?
Pop a towel on.

I mean unless you're going
on the space shuttle,

I reckon you could give or take a couple
of-- couple of stone yeah.

Exactly. Yeah yeah.
Absolutely right.

Well, we've-
we've put that to bed.

Karl, can I ask you
a question? - Go on.

I know this is what a lot of
the fans are already wondering.

Is there gonna be some
monkey news today?

- There's gotta be.
- Of course there is.

- Both: Yeah?
- No question.

Well, I don't-- I'm worried

Because maybe this will
steal your thunder.

Sarah has emailed this in--

A chimp mauling
under investigation.

I know you were concerned
'cause this actually fuses

Two of our greatest features-
monkey news and knob news.

It's just one-
into one seamless whole.

Investigators said they
are trying to figure out

How two chimpanzees that
viciously attacked a visitor

At an animal sanctuary
escaped from their cage.

This is the grim bit.

The chimps chewed off a man's nose

And severely mauled his
genitals and limbs.

Why did they go for his genitals?

Both of 'em did as well.

- Eh?
- Both of 'em.

Did you say two chimps?

Uh, no, you're right. Yeah.
It was chimpanzees, two.

They just saw that they were
dangling away and they--

"you go for the nose.
I'll go for his bollocks."

- What accent have they got there?
- I don't know.

Were they kind of new
york gangster chimps?

- "soprano" chimps?
- ( laughing )

What-- what happened
to 'em, anyway?

Uh, well unfortunately,
they were shot dead by the authorities.

You see, that annoys me a bit.

I know. Again-- - what are y?

They were attacking
people's gonads.

I know, but they were
happy a african jungle

- A couple of years ago.
- That was what they do, isn't it?

That is what they do.

But why aren't they just
sort of tranquilized?

Where was this?

Why am I being accused
like it was my fault?

Just 'cause I happen to be-
sarah who emailed in,

That's the one who should
be getting a bollocking.

It just annoys me how one way,
it's kind of like

We're trying to save the pandas

And then the next day someone's
shooting 'em or whatever.

I've talked about this before--

About st. George
killed the last dragon.

- Right?
- No, it didn't exist.

- ( laughs )
- karl: It's the same thing.

No no, there-- there's
never been any dragons.

It's a mythical creature.

By "mythical,
" it means we made this up--

- Like the unicorn.
- Well, I--

I don't even-- what was
your point about the dragon?

- What's that got to with this?
- Because I'm saying

How-- why is it all
right to be going around

Going mental with a gun,
shooting all the monkeys and killing 'em?

One day we're gonna run out.

This is an animal sanctuary though.

So presumably they had
quite a cushy time there.

The ones I've visited,
they've got it easy.

They're hanging around on tires.
They got comfy chairs.

They're wanking.

They going berserk.
They're loving it.

But hang on a minute. You've just
answered your own question there.

You said they're in a sanctuary.

So they haven't had
a good upbringing.

So they're gonna be a bit madder
than other monkeys, aren't they?

That's where the ill ones go,
isn't it?

So what do you understand
by "sanctuary"?

- Well, I've been to one for seals.
- It's not like a borstal

Yeah, exactly-
he thinks it's a borstal!

- It's like scum.
- Yeah yeah, like they did

Some bad stuff in the jungle

And they had a little monkey court,

And they went,
"send him to borstal."

Well, what is it then?

No, it's a monkey sanctuary,

Where like-- like a haven.

It's not a haven, is it?
They got a bullet in the head.

Talking of, uh, eating knobs,

Carol thatcher--
a daughter of one of our leaders.

Well, you saw her in "I'm a celebrity...
Get me out of here."

She popped a couple of
bollocks in the mouth,

Chewed them up, swallowed 'em.

Kangaroo, uh, penis there, dried.

It was so tough,
she couldn't even get through it.

- Eventually, she eats it.
- Was it like a pepperoni?

Yeah and she-- what do
you think of that, karl?

What, eating that
sort of stuff? - Yeah.

I just-- I mean, I-- I-- I watch.

I like those little
trial bits, right?

- Yeah.
- But what--

What I don't think
people realize is, right,

It is hard eating a
little kangaroo knob.

Really? How do you know?

No, it's just, you know,
you think about it.

You go, "oh,
couldn't do that," right?

But what they never
mention on the tv program,

Which I think takes
it to the next level--

They're eating that like
half past 7:00in the.

Sure. -...Which is worse,
isn't it?

- Ricky: Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean?

If-- if-- if I was there,
and-- and dec said,

"right, karl, eat the knob,"

I'd go, "hang on a minute.
Give us a few hours.

Let me get some rice
and that on my belly

And just sort of fill
me up a little bit more,

I'll pop back about half 6:
00 this evening.

Have it ready."

And I'd be happier then.

It's just-- it's just
that thing of, you know--

You don't wanna-- you don't wanna eat
animal genitals on an empty stomach.

- So what are you saying?
- I'm saying, like,

I could eat-- I could eat
a knob at night, but--

Just cut that there.
We'll loop that.

If any djs are listening,

Uh, just take that quote,
"I could eat a knob at night"

By karl pilkington,
maybe do a dance remix?

Maybe sort of a house producer

Could maybe get some kind
of high-energy beat going

And then we could just send that
out to some of the gay clubs.

I'm sure it'd be really popular.

Please please, anyone,
send us that looped

With a nice little
funky house beat--

Karl pilkington saying "
I could eat a knob at night."

It's that time again.
It's what everyone's waiting for.

Can you do the jingle for us?

* oh, chimpanzee,
that monkey news. *

All right, this week,
the monkey news is about--

We all know these
monkeys knocking about

- That aren't happy...
- Right, yeah.

- ...In this country.
- Surely.

It is a big problem.
It's an epidemic.

So they've set up this--

This place where they all go--

The ones that aren't happy
in a zoo and what have you,

It's getting 'em down.

They can phone a number and
they'll come and pick 'em up.

Pop 'em in this-
this house place, right?

And basically they can
run riot in there.

They get freedom to sort
of cheer themselves up.

There's three people
running this place, right?

So these monkeys-
big house and that--

Playstation. Anything.

- Karl: Gym, all that.
- Gym.

One of them wanted to mess
about with the woman's breasts.

- Stephen: Which woman's breasts?
- The woman who works there.

- Stephen: Right.
- Right?

And she was like,
"right, pack it in.

We've all had a bit of fun."

Uh, he'd been in the
gym and everything,

Obviously, you know,
got a bit excited,

Was fired up, ready for
more action and that.

He's trying to have a go on
this woman's breasts, right?

- She was like--
- have a go.

She was like, "no,
you're not doing that."

Pack it in and all that.

The boss who's running
the place was like,

"uh, come on. Let him have a go."

Wait, you're talking shit.

So anyway, right,
so he's there and--

So the boss says, "yeah,
you can have a grope"?

The boss is saying,
"let him have a go."

"come on, rita,

If monkey wants to play
with nipples, let him."

Soshe's li "
I'm not happy with this."

And he's going,
"you know the rules here.

We've gotta cheer
these monkeys up."

- This is absolute bollocks.
- Actually, no.

And in the end, because she
didn't allow it to happen,

The bloke sacked her,
got someone else in.

I want to see the advert

He put in "the guardian" media page.
I'd love that.

"woman wanted to let chimp
feel tits whenever it wants."

Well, it's all up there.

You're talking absolute shit again.

- Well, we'll see.
- There is no way that happened.