The Ricky Gervais Show (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 12 - Noises - full transcript

For the past
few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant,
and Karl Pilkington

Have been meeting
regularly

For a series
of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

Hello and welcome
to "the Ricky Gervais Show"

With me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ...
And the little round-headed buffoon

That is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.



Um, remember we were
talking awhile back

About the questionnaire
that is often featured

At the end of the TV program
"inside the actor's studio"?

- Oh yeah. - Where the host,
James Lipton, always asks

The same questions
to every guest?

And it's just supposed to
sort of get their creative,

You know, juices flowing
and their mind working.

We did ask Karl some of them.
We never completed the questionnaire.

- Let's carry on with that then.
- I thought we'd fire a few more at him.

And that'll
also introduce people

To the way his mind works
a little bit. Okay.

What sound or noise
do you love, Karl?

Um, there isn't
really one that I love.

- Nice noises like the ones
you get-- - Stephen: Yeah.



I like going
in the park, right,

And you go
"that's nice, isn't it?"

And you get
bird noises and stuff.

But with those bird noises
comes a bit of stress, right?

'cause I was
in there the other day

And like I say,
little bird noises and that,

And a little Robin was there
and I thought "that's odd.

That's out early," 'cause it's
like sort of summertime and that.

- Sure.
- And then I thought,

"oh, that's nice,"
and I was watching it.

Then it got
a little worm,

And I was like,
"hey, put it down," right?

sorry. Whoa!
What do you mean?

Why were you interfering?
Why were you interfering...

- In nature. - ...
With a Robin taking a worm?

Just because it was
a nice sunny day and that

And I thought-- see, worms normally
come out when it's raining, don't they?

And you go, "well, I'll bet
they're happy to die in a way

And I thought-- see, 'cause it's chuckingout
when it down, it's miserable."

They come to the top of the
soil then-- don't they?

- Yeah. - --When it's miserable.
But it was a sunny day--

Plus they don't drown,
I assume.

No, it's not that, is it?
It's just that the air, the water or something

Falling on the ground and they
come up to see what's happening.

What? No no, wait.

But why do they come up
when they think it's raining?

You're a worm, okay?
It starts raining.

- Tell me your thought process.
- Well, you just--

You're down there,
you can't see anything.

- It's dark anyway.
- Ricky: Yeah.

So the rain's
coming down on the land.

The worm goes,
"what's going on?"

The worm goes,
"what's going on?"

- He wiggles up to the top.
- Ricky: So what does he do?

So it goes up
and it sees it's raining

And then it goes back down
again, doesn't it?

- But that's what I'm saying
about-- - What do you mean?

What-- what is--
sorry, what is this world

Where he goes,
"oh, it's just rain again.

That's the 400th## time I've
been caught out this year.

It's rain. I'll remember next time.
I won't come up."

What do you think

A worm is pable of in terms
of cognitive thought?

- What do you mean?
- Well, a worm can basically

Tell certain chemicals

- And certain light patterns.

That's-- that's all
it is really.

- Yeah, and--
- It's not thinking,

It's not choosing
its favorite food.

You don't know that,
though, is what I'm saying.

You don't know what things are thinking.
Everything thinks.

No, it doesn't.
No, it doesn't.

- No. Thinking-- - There's
something in this room that's not.

All right,
what about this one then?

What about--
what about flowers?

- Do you think they've
got a-- - A mind?

A-- a feeling.

Because here's--
here's something that--

Again, they--
they use phototropism.

They go towards the sun.
They-- they close--

- All right, well, here's-- - Can you
stop using long words, Rick, like "sun"?

Listen--
I was--

Do you know what happened to
my mom and dad's, all right?

- I was talking to my mom about stuff.
All right.

She was saying how,

This flower solved a crime.

What happened was
there was a murder, right,

In an office.
So they said,

"it's obvious that someone who works
in the office did this murder

Because that person's
only sort of a typist.

He has-- you know,
they've done nothing wrong."

So they said, "that's
narrowed it down, right?"

So this flower man
came in and he said,

"I can sort
this out for you."

So they said,
"what do you mean?"

He said,
"well, during the murder,

The plant was knocked
off the cabinet, right?"

- Right. - Karl: And he had some
special wires that he can...

- Special wires. Yeah.
- ...Put on the flower

And it's sort of
shaking and stuff

Because even though
you can't see it,

Flowers pick up bad vibes
and what-have-you.

If you shake a plant,
it doesn't like it.

- Okay. - Right?
So what happened was

He said, "right, what we'll do

Is we'll put the plant
back on the shelf."

- Stephen: Yep. - Karl: "we'll water it.
We'll calm it down.

- Then get--" - Ricky: Get
it a nice cup of tea.

- "then get every member of staff...
" - Stephen: Right, right.

"...To come in the room
and just go near the flower."

- Right.
- "So don't tell them"--

- So like a lineup for the flower?
- Kind of.

- Kind of like a lineup.
- "Don't tell them what we're doing.

Just send them in,
say 'stand by that cabinet

Where the murder happened'
and what have you."

- Yeah.
- Anyway, it was a long day.

They were getting
through a lot of stuff.

- It was a big office block.
- Ricky: Yeah.

They were going,
"this isn't working.

You know,
the flower's not budging."

Suddenly they get into like
the last part of the day

When they were
almost giving up.

They called in a sketch artist.

The plant--
the plant gives 'em a--

- Some caretaker fella--
- Uh-huh.

- Caretaker, yeah.
- They said, "go over there."

Was it an old man? 'cause Scooby Doo
didn't like him from the beginning.

- Stephen: No. - Karl: They send
the caretaker over to the plant

And he's thinking "I've
gotten away with this."

Of course.

Plant starts shaking, what-have-you.
They did him.

Okay.
Wait a minute then.

So was there
any other evidence?

Was that the only evidence
they used in the trial?

Well, no, it's one of them things, though.
Imagine it.

If you're that caretaker and you're
thinking "I've gotten away with this,"

Then suddenly a plant grasses you
up, you weren't expecting that.

So suddenly
you're off-guard.

And you go,
"okay okay okay, come on,

Get that chrysanthemum
away from me. I did it."

You're talking absolute bollocks.

That was one of the most
nonsense pieces of shit

- I've ever heard in my life.
- Karl: But anyway, listen.

- Well, it happened. But--
- It didn't happen.

But what I was saying is--
about the worm--

This Robin that I saw
that was eating the worm,

He had hold of it. I thought,
"it's a sunny day and that,

Give the worm a break"
sort of thing.

So I went, "Oi! Hey," like that, and
it sort of dropped it in shock.

But then when it realized
I wasn't that near it,

It picked up again
and swallowed it.

And I just thought, "oh."
do you know what I mean?

I don't know what you mean, no.

I just thought "it's a
sunny day and everything.

Normally birds are
nice noises that I like,

"And yet there it is,
going about wrecking lives."

wrecking lives!?

- It was a worm! - No, it just--
no, but it just swallowed it

Really quickly and that.
And I thought--

I just thought "there's the worm.
It came out.

It was happy, didn't
know what was going on

And it had
an extra chance--

"The Robin dropped it, then
it got it again and ate it."

It just made me a bit fed up.

Well, you know why, don't you?

You couldn't outwit a Robin.

The worm was going,
"oh God, Karl Pilkington.

So that's who's
been sent to save me,

Is it, God?
You've sent Karl Pilkington?

Oh, I'm dead.
That's it. Okay. Eat me."

All I'm saying is, how birds noises
are normally quite relaxing,

- But not for the worm.
- Unbelievable.

That was one question.

"what sound
or noise do you hate?"

As me or as a--
as a worm?

I don't know what you mean.
What do you mean?

Why-- why would we
be asking a worm?

I have never heard an actor
say that to James Lipton.

When he says,
"what noise do you hate?"

"what?
As me or a worm?"

No, all I'm saying is--
because of my last question--

That's what I was saying.
A bird noise is relaxing to me.

- Right.
- Well, it's not anymore

'cause I think of all the deaths
and stuff that go around that.

So now you hate the sound of birds?

I'm just saying it's
changed my view on it.

It's like-- it's like
anything, isn't it?

Every-- every noise
can mean a disaster.

Can it? Why would the sound of
laughter-- people laughing--

Why would
that suddenly cause--

Why would that also
signify disaster?

If you wake up in the night
by the sound of,

Like, a baby laughing--

A baby laughing!

No, if I had a-- if I had a baby,
right, and Suzanne was out,

- She worked nights or something...
- Ricky: Yeah.

...And I had nodded off.
I had put the baby to sleep...

Yeah. - ...
And then it's 3:00 in the morning...

And I'm woken up
by the sound of a baby laughing,

- That would terrify me.

How is--
I mean, just think,

The baby's sitting up in a
chair like Chucky, going...

Well, no, the--

I think the baby's
reading his diary...

Thinking "oh, Christ, this is my father.

I just hope
I'm adopted."

Oh God, a baby laughing.

"what profession other than your
own would you like to attempt?"

This is you as you,
not as you as a worm.

- But I would have the training?
- Oh, for--

- Oh!
- No, well I've said before,

I don't know, about maybe
having a go at an operation.

I don't know why
it leaps from where--

It leaps from no ambition, where
if he could have a job it would--

His best job he's ever had
is a paper round

And if he could have a job,
he'd go to the cobbler

Once a week
and then walk a dog,

To "I'd like to have a go
at thoracic surgery."

No, I'm just saying I bet
it's a-- like we do this

And some people like listening
to it and what-have-you

And you go "fair enough."
but I never feel like

I'm doing anything
of any worth.

No, you're absolutely
right there.

But if you're going
into a hospital,

Which are places that are
pretty miserable anyway

As a--
as an office space,

Not only have you got
to go in that building

And work in it, but you've
then got the pressure

Of changing
a lung or whatever

- As I've said before.
- Stephen: Changing a lung, yeah.

But I'd like to have
go at it so I can say--

- You've done it.
- I've done that.

So under what circumstances
in what world

Do you think anyone's gonna let you
have a go at changing a lung and that?

- Um--
- "Jim'll fix it"?

- No, I'm just saying the way--
"comic relief"?

But the way the world is, and the way
that there's more and more people,

More and more doctors
are needed.

I mean it's already
happening now with that--

People are doing jobs that
they're not really qualified for

Because they get-- they get
sort of a-- what's the word?

- Sort of uppered too early.
- Uppered.

"Uppered"?
Uppered.

I love the fact--
it's basic language.

It's like--
it's unbelievable.

- "Uppered."
- Do you know what I mean?

- Promoted.
- Yeah, promoted.

- Yeah. I prefer "uppered."
- They get-- they get promoted.

- "Uppered" is great.
- "Why was I not uppered?"

- Unbelievable.
- So do you know what I mean?

I think because more and more
people are knocking about,

We need more and more doctors.

- Yeah.
- You get a job in a doctor's,

- You're gonna be promoted
sooner now, I think. - Yeah.

But what I'd do is I-- I--
I'd probably upper you

And then-- what's the word?
You "go away" them.

- I think it is, you "go away" them.
- You-- you leave the door--

You leave the door--
you "fire" them.

That's it.
That's the word I'm looking for.

Sorry, I'd upper you and "go
away" the doctor, if anything.

But I've been to, uh--

You know how I don't like going
to the doctor's and stuff?

- Yeah.
- Right?

'cause you're always scared
that they might

Investigate
"below the bridge."

Yeah, but I checked on that
before I signed up to it,

And then they said, "right, before
we can take you on as a patient,

You've gotta have
a health check."

Right? Which I thought was odd,
'cause it's almost like saying

"if you're ill, we can't have
you come in here," right?

But I said, "right.
Okay, fair enough.

What-- what is
this health check?"

And they said, "oh, you know,
we just check your body out

And make sure
you're fit and healthy."

And I thought, "that is
not enough information.

- I want to know if it's the old finger
trick or"--

I said,
"what do you mean?

When you said, 'health
check, ' what do you do?"

And she said,
"oh, it's just"--

I think she knew
what I was getting at.

And she said, "oh, it's
just the blood pressure,

Uh, your heart,
your height, your weight.

That's about it.
" so I went-- I went and had it and stuff.

But you had to--
before you sort of said,

"right, I want this doctor,"

They give you loads
of forms to fill out, right?

And one of the things
they did was

"if you die, what do
you wanna give away?"

- Right? Like a donor...
- Mmm.

...And what-have-you,
and I thought--

I really thought about it
for 40 minutes or so.

I didn't just
rush into it.

I was sat there thinking, "if I'm
dead, does it matter and stuff?"

But I was really
concerned

- When it said about the eyes.

- Right.
- Right.

Why? What do you mean?
Can they have your eyes after you die?

It was-- it was-- I think
it was fourth on the list.

Why do you care about giving
your eyes away when you're dead?

Just because of that thing of-- you
know, we don't know for sure yet.

I know that you pooh-pooh it,
but the afterlife thing.

So why in an afterlife

Would you want your eyes more

Than your liver, your kidneys,
your lungs and your heart?

Because ghosts
don't eat, do they?

So you don't need your liver,
your kidneys and stuff,

'cause they're only there
to sort your food out.

But your eyes--
if you're a ghost,

I don't wanna be a blind ghost.

Because you're around
forever then, aren't you?

Once you're a ghost, that's it.

So the idea of being blind
when you're alive--

You go, "well, all right,
then maybe in the afterlife

I might be treated
to a pair of eyes."

But the fact of wandering about dead
for years, bumping into stuff--

Oh God!
Oh, it's amazing.

That's an amazing image.

So I didn't tick that box.

But why?
I don't understand.

In your theory of the afterlife,
why is it that you--

You ghost--
this ghostly Karl,

Why can he survive
without a heart

But he can't
survive without eyes?

What-- why--
do you see what I mean?

Surely if you're
this ghostly apparition,

You can just see everything
and you can do everything.

- You don't need the body, because you're a ghost.
No, because--

Yeah, I know but I think
when you're a ghost--

Say like how they've
seen ghosts in, uh--

Right, can I just say now,
for any listeners,

This is not the thoughts
and beliefs of the management.

There is no such thing as ghosts.
I do not believe in ghosts.

I do not believe in e.S.P.
Or any mumbo-jumbo.

Cay on, Karl.
"so when there's a ghost," yeah?

When they see ghosts
in old castles and stuff,

They've had their head cut off

Because they've been up to
no good, right, years ago.

But they're carrying it around,
normally, under their arm.

That's what I'm saying.
It hasn't reattached itself,

So if you took
the eyes out--

But, Karl, how is this ghostly
creature able to function?

It-- it doesn't have
its head on, anyway.

It's carrying it under its arm,

So the suspicion is
it doesn't need its head.

It just happens
to be carrying it around

Because it, you know,
wants to keep it with it.

No, the ghost is always
in the last condition

- That it was in when it was
in-- - Who makes these rules?

The way you are
in your last bit of life

Is how you are as a ghost
forever, even in the fashion.

Like, I say, the ghosts that you
see never wear modern clothes.

It's always
the Victorian stuff.

Now if they could change it, they would,

But they can't cause they're
stuck with it, so that's--

Why don't you see cavemen ghosts?
When did ghosts start?

They didn't kick in till
about 1830, did they?

What if you die when you're
having a rectal examination?

Are you always bent forward WI
your trousers around your ankles

And someone's finger
up your ass?

But why would you die when
you're having that done?

That's why I'm not having
it done if that's--

- No no. No, no no. - But you might
have both been suddenly killed

- In a terrible disaster.
- Yeah, a meteorite hit you.

Well, that's when you get
the moaning ghosts, isn't it?

That's the other ones
that aren't happy.

So you're going round
bent forward,

You've got a doctor's
finger up your ass

- And what are you doing?
Sort of going, "oh,"

And that's when you have
to get the vicar around.

what do you mean?

They have to put you to rest
and what-have-you, don't they?

And what does a vicar do
when he's going--

So I-- so I get the vicar
around, it's years later--

It's 100 years later--

You're around
this doctor surgery

And there's people coming in.
And the new doctor there--

And it's 2073

And they go, "vicar--

Vicar, there's a-- there's a
strange, ghostly apparition.

It looks like an old doctor, right,
and he's got his fingers up

This sort of little-- it's like a
chimpanzee but with a shaved head."

No no, but the doctor
wouldn't be--

- Are you saying the doctor dies as well?
- Yeah yeah.

- You both-- you both die. - You die at the
same time with his finger up your ass,

And so you're forever having
a little rectal examination

With your little trousers
around your ankles.

Well, that's when it'd be
best not to have your eyes.

Rick, I know this is something
you always get excited about.

It's Karl's diary.
Can we have a jingle?

I don't believe it!
He's gone and written it down!

Thank you very much.

"woke up to the news
about an elephant in India"

That had sore feet, so the locals
have made it a big pair of slippers.

Tried to look online
for a picture

But I couldn't
find anything."

So they've made it
two pairs of slippers?

Well, I'm only going by the
facts in the diary, Rick,

And I would have thought that they were
absolutely bona fide and fact-checked.

Completely accurate.

I'd be very surprised if
there's any mistakes in here.

"I'm sure they've done this
for an elephant before.

I thought elephants
have bad memories."

- No, they--
- But fair enough.

"I thought elephants
have bad memories.

If they have, I'm guessing it's gonna
keep forgetting where it's left 'em."

I mean,
just to get--

If it's a myth--
the myth's completely wrong.

- Yeah.
- "Elephants never forget."

That's the saying.
Not "they always forget,"

So you can buy
them slippers every year.

Karl says, "I haven't had
a pair of slippers for years."

- He thinks they're dying out.
- No, I love slippers.

- I love a pair of slippers.
- I love a pair of slippers.

Just wear socks.
- Slidey on the cold--

- Slidey on a piece of lino.
- I know. What about if you,

You know, maybe open a
brand-new box of thumbtacks?

You drop them all over the floor,
you're trying to pick them up--

Rick, I've gotta pop across
the road to get some milk

But it's right opposite.
I'm surely not gonna go in my socks, though.

I don't wanna put on my shoes.
It's madness.

- No no no. Pop some slippers on.
- Perfect, yeah.

- Ricky: Yeah. - You shouldn't
go out in your slippers.

- Why not? - Just across the
street, mate, to get some milk.

'cause they're inside shoes.

You don't go roaming about
on tarmac in slippers.

- That's basic.
- But you don't have any slippers,

So you're just tiptoeing
across the street.

- I put my shoes on.
- But you can-- you can-- you can pop out

And get the paper and, you know,
the bottle of milk-- can't you?

--In the slippers
without any harm done.

No.

Oh.

Apparently not.

That will make it
into the diary.

"tried to have a shower,
but there was no water."

I love it when he calls about

- Things going wrong with the flat.
- But I love the fact

That he tried to have a
shower, but there's no water.

How long did it take you before you realized?
He was there for 20 minutes.

After 20 minutes, he said,
"Suzanne, should I be dry?"

"yeah,
I'm freezing cold."

Yeah. "no no, you should
be sort of wet and warm."

"right, there's
no water then." brilliant.

"I called the service charge
people but no one was about."

Looked outside but couldn't
see any work going on.

Great, isn't it? In India, they can
sort out elephants with shoes.

In London,
we have no water.

Hung about for a bit.
But still no sign of any water.

Brushed my teeth
just using the paste

And used the little bit that was
in the kettle to have a wash.

I was pretty chuffed
by the thought of using that.

Suzanne was a bit annoyed
'cause she wanted a cup of tea.

She said, 'go across the road and
buy a big bottle of water.'"

Not in your socks.
Pop some slippers on.

"'go across the road and buy a
big bottle of water, ' she said.

I never
thought of that."

- Oh. - You had a
wash using the water

- In the kettle?
- Yeah, that's clean, isn't it?

- How much? There's only a little drop in there.
- Noit's big kettle.

So what-- did you
just wash your face?

- Yeah. - So you didn't
wash your body or anything?

- Your genitals were filthy.
- You couldn't, could you?

You gotta look out what you can
do with the water available.

People in Africa that are short
on water aren't wasting it,

Saying "oh, my feet
are a bit dirty."

They drink it.
What do you mean?

"had a look online to see
what's been going on.

Scientists say
that Everest"--

Brackets--
"the mountain"--

Just in case you confuse that
with any other everests.

Maybe the double-
glazing people.

Yeah. "scientists say that
Everest has grown a bit.

The way they were
talking about it,

You'd have thought
it's grown loads.

- It's only inches."
- No, isn't that...

They found out
that it's actually

A couple inches taller
than they first thought,

Because their methods
of measuring

Are more accurate than
they were 20 years ago?

So it's bigger
than they thought it was.

- It hasn't grown. - No, I just think
what's happened is at the bottom,

Because people are
always climbing up it,

- Aren't they? Right?
- Yeah.

So that's wearing away
the soil at the bottom.

Don't talk rubbish.
It's also measured against sea level.

It's not measured
about when you--

Otherwise they'd
just pick a big hole

And go, "right,
it's down to here."

The peak is measured
against sea level.

No, but does it matter
at the end of the day?

No, but it's just nice
to know, isn't it?

Yeah, but what I'm saying is
we don't need to know that.

It's not gonna put anyone off.

Like Brian blessed, who's always
climbing up there for fun.

He is not gonna go
"I could handle it last year,

But, oh, two more inches?
Forget that."

- Gonna be shattered. So don't worry about it.

It doesn't matter
how big it is.

Something else, though,
At's happened since, right?

They were climbing up there,

Someone got near the top

And they were sort of
climbing up like that,

Holding the cliff edge
and that--

And they'd forgotten
the flag and had to go back?

No, their hand
hit the bit of rock

And it went like...
Dong!

"oh, what's that?"
dong-dong!

Put another hand up...
Ding-ding!

Piano under there.
They don't know how it got there.

Right, you're talking
shit again.

- Someone's been tipping.
- Well-- oh, right.

- Up mount Everest? - Okay.
The council won't even take away

Your washing machine
unless you pay 'em.

They're not gonna
sneak up Everest--

No, this is the problem, 'cause
the council won't take anything.

- People are going, "what can we do with this?
"oh yeah,

Why not just--
I'll tell you what.

Just sneak up Everest.
It'll take you nine days

And you may die,

But just pop it
up on Everest."

Well, I know for a fact
that you've confused--

You've confused
a few things there,

Because I think
the piano being found

Was actually
somewhere in Scotland--

Some kind of moor in Scotland--
and they found a piano up there.

And everyone said, "how's
a piano doing up here?"

And it turned out
that some guy--

One of these people who tries
to break world records--

Had dragged a piano up there as
some kind of feat of endurance

But thought, "I'll be damned if
I'm gonna take it back again,"

And just
left it up there.

It wasn't anybody tipping
or aliens or anything.

"some scientists have come up
with a cure for bird flu."

It's something to do
with some stuff in horses.

They gave
the flu to a mouse,

Then injected it
and it's well again.

I think we should stop coming
up with cures for things

As the germs are just getting
stronger and stronger.

I reckon by 2020
germs will be so big

That we will be able
to see them in the air.

They will no longer be
little particles.

You wouldn't swallow one. If you did, it
won't be the germ that will kill you.

- You'll just choke to death."
- I think that's--

That's how we'll die
in the future.

- Choking on enormous giant germs?
- On germs.

And then they'll be rampaging
around the cities, will they?

I'll tell you what,
though, right?

I'm getting worried now

Because this stuff
he believes and thinks of,

It-- it-- it-- I mean,
it could be mental.

Do you know what I mean, though?
Like a proper paranoid sort of--

One of those people that's soon gonna
live in a loft covered in tin foil?

- Yeah.
- Right?

And pages of the bible
all the way around the--

And Suzanne's gonna have to
put on some sort of spacesuit

- To come in and give him his beans on toast.
Yeah.

And he's gonna have
to polish each Bean.

That's-- that's what
scientists do, isn't it?

They just think ahead
of everyone else.

That's what I'm doing.

And the weird thing
is, right, Steve,

Sometime last week
there was a science piece

Which was close
to what I'd already said.

- Yeah. Sure.
- They've got some germs

That like eating sugar, right?

They stick 'em in a lunch
box with a chocolate bar.

Within an hour,
it was gone, right?

And they say now these
germs love chocolate and--

Did this scientist
leave it near

This fat scientist that works
in the same laboratory?

"anyway,
it's unbelievable."

He said, "Ted."
he went, "what?"

"right, I put the chocolate
bar in here with the germ.

I can't believe it's gone."
"that's amazing.

Well, it's brilliant, that.
Do it again."

"what?" "do it again.
Leave another one.

- See if it happens again."

So in the future,
you're running around

- And germs are...
- Eating chocolate.

Right.

That's not science.
That's PAC-man.