The Ricky Gervais Show (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 11 - Beetles - full transcript

We do, of course, every week
get thousands of emails.

Freddy from Winchester says,

"of course, it was recently
Valentine's day."

What's the most romantic thing
you've done for Suzanne, Karl,

"That you can think of?"

Uh, I don't really do all that.

- Go on.
- Valentine's day stuff.

It's just-- if you do it once,
they expect it every year.

- Yeah.
- Sure.

That's the problem
with Christmas and stuff.

It's become that's what
you do now every year.



So I prefer to
just sort of wait

And if I think of an idea or if I
know of something that she wants,

I might get her something.

But I might not do it
on Valentine's day.

It's like how I've said
about pancake Tuesday.

Make it pancake Wednesday.
Have it when you want.

Why am I waiting for someone to
tell me when I can have a pancake?

- I'll have it today if I want one.
Yeah.

If it's pancake Tuesday,
I won't bother.

I'll have trifle.

So it's the same with this

With Suzanne.

Luckily, Valentine's day
and what have you...

- ...She was ill.
Luckily?



So we didn't
have to go out.

So I'd say-- is he
asking for advice?

Well, I suppose, yeah.
Might as well give it.

Treat 'em when they deserve it.

I remember once
when Suzanne was ill.

She had a fever, but there
was no food in the house.

What did you suggest to her?

She was too ill to cook.

It was when we were still
living in Manchester.

"we need to get
some food in for tea."

I said, "come on.
Come to the supermarket."

She's like, "no, I'm ill.
You go."

I hate buying food.
I just get a bit blank.

There's too much.
That's the problem.

You go down all these aisles
and there's too much.

So anyway, I said, "no, come on.
Come with me."

She's like, "I've got these fever.
I'm hot and everything."

So I said, "come to the supermarket,
you go to the frozen aisle,

- Cool yourself down."

And she did and said it made it worse.
She was ill for another three days.

How would you go about chatting up a woman in a bar?
What tips could you give?

Um, I've never
worked like that.

It's always en a friend
of a friend and all that.

You just happen to meet
and then you have a chat.

How did you meet Suzanne?

That was when I
was working with her.

And she gave me 20p for
the hot chocolate machine.

She never asked for it back.
Thought, "she's all right."

And so it'll be 11 years.
So it works.

Has she given you that--
have you ever--

- You've never given that 20p back?
- She's never asked.

Did you return the favor,
perhaps on the next date

You buy her a Kit Kat
or something?

I don't think I did. I think word
got out that she liked me and that.

And what did I do?

I think I did some work for her.
I did some editing.

- Sort of show off me skills and that.
- Sure.

She was like, "oh, you're
good at this, aren't you?"

I was like, "yeah.
" and I think she got us another drink

'cause I was doing the editing
for her in me own time.

So you're up? You're up
on the deal, aren't you?

'cause I know now.
I have it for fact

That you've not spent
any money on her in 11 years.

So you are--
you're 40p up.

At least.

Lawrence from New York says,

"I was wondering how Mr. K.
Pilkington would interpret this famous saying"

Of philosopher
Ludwig Wittgenstein.

The quote is 'if a lion could talk,
we could not understand him.'"

Even if he's English?

Yeah, if he-- yeah.
If a lion could speak English--

So there's no language barrier.

He's speaking English words

And using all the correct
grammar and everything,

But you wouldn't be able to
understand what he was saying.

- Why?
- Because it is from a different world.

Its frames of reference
would be so bizarre

That you wouldn't be
able to get a grasp

On what he was
talking about

'cause you'd have
so little in common,

Even if he used real words.

But he's talking English.

I know, but its reference points
would be just so far removed.

You know,
they're removed slightly--

If you saw two people
talking about Kierkegaard,

- You'd--
- I wouldn't understand it.

Exactly. So remove that
a billion times

To a different species
with different input.

No, but it depends.
If I'm talking to a lion in London zoo...

Yeah?

...It'll be saying, "oh.
I'm fed up with being stuck in here."

And I'll go, "yeah."
it's like the--

It depends
what its background is.

I mean, there's some people who might
have lived down the road from me

But have a totally different Fe.

Absolutely.

So it doesn't matter
that it's a lion, does it?

Well, yeah, because they're just
trying to remove it even more.

So now it's not just a bloke
who lived a few doors away.

Now it's not even a bloke.
Now it's not even--

Yeah, but I'd pick
something smaller

Or something-- you know,
a worm without a mouth.

I'd go "definitely not."

- What?
- Definitely not what?

I wouldn't be
having a chat with it.

I-- I just think a worm
that's underground,

- What's he got to offer me?

He's blind
and hasn't got a mouth.

It's not gonna be a good day out
with it is what I'm saying.

It's not gonna have that much to say
to me even if it's English, right?

Even if it's English.

And how can you tell if a worm is English?
Does it wear a tiny bowler hat?

Oh, Christ.

- But do you understand--
- What about a jellyfish?

No. You see,
I think that's where

You can say you would be able
to have a good chat with him.

Because to me,

- The sea might as well
be another world. - Yeah.

- Right?
- Yeah.

In a way I think the fish

Sort of have more
rights than us.

What do you mean?

Just because when whoever
made the world, right?

Say we're just picking God, but
if I was to have a go at him,

I'd say,
"you added too much water."

Criticism one to God, right?

How would you have
changed that? Just--

- Just more land.
- Fair enough.

Now why why have fish
got more rights than us?

Because there's loads of 'em,

And when you look at the amount
of sea on the world, right?

There's loads of that.
You only have to, like--

I was in Malaga
the other week, right?

And, you know,
you look in the sea--

There's loads
of different fish

And that's just
in 8' water.

If you go miles out, there's like all
sorts of weird fish, isn't there,

With like lights
on them and everything?

So and there are just
millions of different types.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But why does that mean that
they've got more rights than us?

Just because I think
rights come in numbers,

If you know what I mean.

If there's one of you
shouting, people go,

"oh, he's an idiot.
Shut up." whatever.

If there's loads of you shouting,
they go, "let's listen to them,

See what they've got to say.
" and that's what I mean about fish.

- Yeah?
- There's loads of fish.

- Right.
- So--

But they're not really making their
voices heard, though, are they, Karl?

I know 'cause
they're underwater.

But what I mean is--
I don't know what I mean.

Karl, right, what do you
think it's like being a crab?

If you could go now-- your mind
into a crab, what would you see?

Where would you be? What would you be doing?
What would you be thinking?

What would you think
of all the other things--

The crabs you'd see,
the squids you'd see?

What-- what it's like,
do you think?

It's like creative writing. Just think.
Just let yourself go. Go on.

It's gotta be a crab?

What do you think of a slug?
What do you think it to be a slug?

What would you do if you were
transported now into a slug,

What would you do?
And Suzanne--

You're suddenly in the
kitchen but you're a slug,

And Suzanne is sort of like there
just making tea and that.

How do you let her know
that she is--

It's impossible. I'd just Chuck myself
into the salt pot or something.

No, because what do you do?

I'd hate that.
That would be horrible.

oh God.

Have you ever read
Franz Kafka's "metamorphosis"?

A man wakes up and he's
turned into a giant beetle?

And that's the--
that's the whole story.

- Uh-- - I think it might
be of interest to you.

So what happened to him
with the beetle?

I don't want to ruin it for
you in case you read it.

I won't be reading it.
Don't worry.

He joined a pop group with three other people.
He was brilliant.

No, it's a really
wonderful book.

It's almost heartbreaking because
of course he does like Ricky said--

He finds it very hard
then to relate to other people

Even though he still has
the consciousness of a human.

You know, his parents,
his rest of his family,

They don't know how to deal with him,
you know, 'cause he's a giant beetle.

He becomes a freak. He becomes an outsider.
It's terrible, you know.

But-- but hang though.
Is he a giant beetle?

- Yeah. - Yeah, well that's not
gonna go down well, is it?

That's-- of course people
aren't gonna like you.

If it's a normal-sized one, then you just
get in with the other beetles, don't you?

Whereas
if you're a giant--

How would you do that?
How would ingratiate yourself?

So you're suddenly a beetle.
You're Karl Pilkington, right?

There's the other beetles. They're doing their business.
They're scuttling around.

And you go in there, and you go-- and
they look at yous a new beetle.

What-- what's you're first-- what do you do?
How do you ingratiate yourself?

Well, I wouldn't sort of barge
in into their house and that.

I'd-- I'd wait until
they're out and about.

And I'd, like, in life,
sort of help 'em out.

I don't know
what beetles do all day.

I've never seen one
doing anything.

They just seem to be going
from one place to another.

- Right.
- I've never seen them carrying anything.

I don't know what they eat.
I don't know what they do.

I don't know why
we've got them, right?

What I mean is, I'd watch 'em,
and I'd sort of help 'em out.

And I mean it's like going on a
date or meeting a woman, isn't it?

- But what if you--
- Whoa, hang on.

What do you mean? How is it like
going on a date with a woman?

Well it's like I said about
Suzanne with her hot chocolate.

She bought me that, and I've
gone, "she's all right."

She gets me another one.

Before I know it,
she's living with me.

So you're with these beetles,
they're scrubbing around, right?

You're sort of like
watching them.

And there's--
and then you realize

That you want to mate
with this female beetle.

What do you do?
What's your first move?

Yeah, but I don't know
what beetles do, do I?

I don't know what you do.
I don't know if you go up and go, "all right?"

What do they do?
How do they get on?

It's a different world. I don't know yet, do I?
'cause I haven't done it.

Would you feel bad having your
own mind in this beetle, right?

Would you feel bad
shagging a beetle?

Would you feel that that was a bit
sick 'cause you've got a human mind?

No 'cause you'd just close your
eyes and that, wouldn't you?

Think of something else.
So get around it that way.

There's no point
getting down about it

'cause I'm stuck now as a beetle.
So you've gotta get on with it.

But if you're a slug, you said you'd
throw yourself in the salt pot.

What would you do if you were
a beetle if you got depressed

And you see all the other humans?
You see your mates, right?

They're listening to
their iPod. What would you do?

Well, no. That's what I'm saying.
Beetles are different

'cause they do tend to hang
about with each other.

A slug's always on its own.
It's a lonely insect, isn't it?

- It's not an insect.
- All right, what is it?

- A mollusk.
- Right. They're lonely.

I've never seen a load
of snails all together

Or slugs wandering about.

Whereas beetles seem
to knock about in crowds.

Yeah.

So-- oh God. Okay,
all right. Another one.

So they're sociable creatures,
and it wouldn't bother you

That you've got the mind
of Karl Pilkington in there?

'cause you can't communicate
with these beetles

They don't speak English.
They don't have any communication with you.

Yeah, but if it's happened to me,
there'll be another one in there.

Okay then, right, okay.

What would you do, right?

What's the most
disgusting thing?

What could it be?
What would you do

If you were suddenly
a fly, right?

And you were knocking around
with the flies, right?

And you had to land
on some, uh--

- Excrement?
- Yeah. What would you do?

- Yeah, but I don't have to.
- What do you mean? You're a fly.

- You're loving it.
- I wouldn't be loving it, now would I?

- Why? - Because I'm
me in that fly's head,

So I don't think that the flies would
be going, "come on, join in."

I'd just be like, "oh, I'll wait
here," wait, watch and that.

'cause they don't-- I don't
see why they have to do that.

What would you do
if you had to get back

And you were in--
had to put your mind

In like an UN-hatched egg
of something?

Like maybe one of those egg--
a wasp has injected a spider.

So you know
you're in an egg,

Which is really uncomfortable,
in a spider.

How would you feel
about that, Karl?

You're a baby wasp

In the abdomen of a spider.

And I know everything that I know now?
I'm sat in there.

Yeah.

"and now I'm in a spider
as an unborn wasp.

What the fuck am I doing here?
What's going on?"

I don't know
what I'd do there.

Probably try and sleep.

There's nothing else
to do, though, is there?

I just pray to God
it never happens.

I don't believe it!
He's written it down!

Well that's
the jingle that signals

It's time for more extracts
from Karl's diary.

And we'll lunge
straight into it.

"wandered down Carnaby street.
There was a happy homeless fella."

I gave him £1.50. I thought of a tongue
twister after giving him the money.

It goes 'if you can't
treat a cheerful tramp,

What sort of tramp
can you treat?'"

- It's good that.
- All right.

- Say it fast.
- "If you can't treat a cheerful tramp,

- What sort of tramp can you treat?
" - Yeah. Good, isn't it?

Good, that, yeah.
You got too much time on your hands, Karl.

"learned some famous quotes to see if
they are as good as my sayings.

Number one, 'treat every day
as if it's your last.'"

Very famous saying.
Now is that something you do, Karl?

Me problem with that one
is that if it was your last,

You wouldn't
wanna be doing much.

That's the only problem
I've got with that.

I wouldn't wanna go to a
fairground or whatever,

Because you're gonna know it's me last day.
What am I gonna do?

And I think you'd spend
so much time worrying about

What you're gonna do that
you'd end up staying in.

I think you're right.

You've taken some
of the poetry out of it.

I think it means, "live life
to the fullest," right?

I like the fact that you
were musing on the idea

That if it was your last day,
you'd go to the fair.

He's getting such a 19th-century
way of spending your final days.

I know, yeah.
Well, the thing is--

The other thing is that, the only
thing that people get depressed about

In terms of sort of like
life and death

Is not the knowledge
that they're gonna die,

But more the knowledge that they know
they're gonna die when they're dying.

If someone told you no one ever
knows when they're gonna die,

No one ever gets an illness,
no one ever gets hit by a truck,

Everyone passes away
peacefully in their sleep

Dreaming they're ring
a big marshmallow,

Then you wouldn't care
about anything.

It wouldn't matter-- it wouldn't matter if
you died tomorrow or in 30 years' time.

You'd just live life
to the full.

Every day
would be great.

You'd go out.
You'd come back.

You'd fall asleep.
That would be amazing.

There'd be no stress.
There'd be no angsty

"aren't we all gonna die?
" stress. It wouldn't matter,

'cause it would
just be your life.

Wouldn't it be amazing if
someone guaranteed you, Karl,

You're gonna die in your sleep.
I'm not gonna tell you when.

- Yeah, but some people do, don't they?
- Well, exactly.

But we never know
we're going to, cause we--

We stress-- what if
we get a dreadful illness?

What if we, you know--

But we're almost not letting people
die naturally anymore, are we?

We're bodging stuff up.

- What do you mean? - Someone who
might naturally die in their sleep

Aren't allowed to
naturally die in their sleep

Because they wake 'em up and pop in a new
lung or whatever whilst they're at it.

That's what I'm saying.
You never hear anymore,

"frank peacefully
died in his sleep."

No. He died on the operating table
whilst we were putting in a new lung.

They never-- they don't
die naturally anymore.

Frank died peacefully with 40
,000 volts going through him

And a couple of people going,
"clear. Clear."

"rushing about today.
Gotta get a lot done"

As I'm flying to Malaga
tomorrow to see my mom and dad.

Don't like flying.
I'd be happy

If they'd give you a parachute
instead of a life jacket.

They say Da Vinci invented the
parachute as well as the helicopter.

He never got round to making them 'cause
he only drew them on some paper.

Got up at 5:00 A.M.
As I had to get to Heathrow

To get on the plane
to see mom and dad in Malaga.

Went out for a drink with a
cousin who lives in Spain.

Ain't seen her for 27 years.
" that must have been tricky, making conversation.

I didn't really bother.
Where do you start?

I might as well go up to anyone in
the street and start having a chat.

You have to go further back than "did
you want Chantelle to win Big Brother?"

"me dad and me
talked about history."

I said we shouldn't go on about
things that happened ages ago

'cause I bet something similar
has happened more recently."

Brilliant.

"read about island
in the Indian ocean"

Where there are tribesmen still
living like they're cavemen.

A helicopter tried to land and the
tribesmen chucked Spears at them.

This is what I meant about not having to
talk about things that happened ages ago.

We have got new cavemen now, so why
do we talk about the old ones?

People could have lived before

But computers
and all that blew up

And books got burned so all they had left
was what these tribesmen have got left."

Ramblings of a mad man.

That's the ramblings
of a maniac.

I mean that's just a few hours

Before you go crazy
with a gun in a--

No. But what
I mean there is,

Right, say if all this has happened before.
Something happens--

Again, lot of your information
from the "planet of the apes."

World ends, right?
We come back again somehow.

Yeah. It's the detail you leave
out that makes you intriguing.

Just like the watch
that you can wear

That tells you
when you're gonna die.

"how does it work?"
"pop it on your wrist."

That's all the detail you need.

So the world happened.
We came back.

Have you seen the pictures?

Forget it then
if you don't get it.

It's interesting you had
all those profound thoughts

About this period--
the past when they all lived,

But you've still found
it appropriate

To include at the end of that, "it says
the tribesmen waved their knobs about

When they've had enough
of having visitors."

That's what it said
in the paper.

That's what happens.
They're quite happy--

What paper is this
that you're reading?

It was-- it was in-- it was in
like a paper a couple of days ago.

It said they don't mind
having visitors

If they're bringing coconuts
and stuff that they can eat.

Once they've got
everything they need,

They start waving
the tackle about

And that means "leave now."
you would, wouldn't you?

Yeah, at a dinner party.

My grandfather
used to do that.

Oh, chimpanzee that
monkey news, yeah!

Oh that jingle is getting
more annoyed by the week.

Well, this is the final
monkey news, right?

I'm not doing this anymore.
We've covered it all.

All the monkey news
has been covered?

It has. It has.
We've done loads of them.

I think all the news
that needs to be known

Has been told, right?

That is the end of the news.
Jesus Christ.

- What?
- Get on with it.

Right, we chatted about the monkey
that went into space and stuff.

This is the one
that was fed by bananas

That came out of a little
chute on the spacecraft?

Yeah it went up there,
it came back.

- It could never get that--
The high-- yeah.

He tried other things. I think he tried
to get a band together and that.

Right. So anyway,
there was loads of monkeys

That were signed up
to this NASA program.

And it was 1961 when this little monkey
called ham-- that was his name--

As well as him, there was
one called called Enos.

So what I found out
about it since then,

Ham went up there, the left-right
business with the bananas.

Enos-- they didn't put as much work
into the trip when he went up there.

And something went
wrong with the machinery.

You know how you get a banana for
the left button and all that?

It's official now.
There's two buttons in this spaceship--

Banana dispenser
and everything else.

The right button
is everything else.

But-- but it worked the other way.
The machinery went weird.

- Oh no. Really?
- It meant that the right button

- Would give him a banana.
- Right.

- The left button did everything else.
Oh no.

So this is the problem
with electronics, isn't it?

- Well, no-- - No, this--
apparently this is the problem.

But the good-- I mean honestly,
look it up if you want.

This is all online by the way.

So what happened when it all went haywire?
What occurred?

Karl? Karl? This is online
and it's bollocks.

Luckily, Enos-- because
he'd done a few trips.

Right,
he was experienced.

So he was like,
"I know this isn't right.

As much as I love bananas,
this isn't right."

That was his thinking.
Of course it was.

So he came back. They were all
like over the moon with him.

He said, "I can't work
with these conditions."

Good mission and everything. Well done and
working it out. You sorted all that out.

He moved on a few years. Armstrong has
gone up there, buzz and that other fella.

They've been up there.
The monkeys aren't needed anymore.

But they were like, "we've got all these
monkeys who've done NASA training."

What we gonna do with 'em all?

And they had
to raise £14 million

To make 'em like a old sort
of chimp's home for retired--

- Astronauts.
- Retired NASA-trained monkeys.

- Chimpanauts.
- Chimpanauts.

Something they've got in there,
is like a little museum

Of all the missions
and that that they've been on

So they can sort of-- even though they're
not gonna be going into space again,

They can almost
relive it and reminisce

Of the times
that they've had.

They're reminiscing
with each other, are they?

Just sort of, "remember that
time when it all went wrong?

The button became the left when it should
have been the right" and all the rest.

Yeah. - They just
sort of talk about old times

And what have you
like old people like to do.

- Sure.
- And, yeah, that's it.

Perhaps we should retire monkey
news to that same space.

That's what I mean. So I hope you've
enjoyed the monkey news and that.

That was the last one.
Look after the monkeys.

Do your bit 'cause they've
done their bit. That's it.

But just cause I am not
giving the news, look it up.

Do you know what I mean?
It's all out there. Don't be ignorant.

wise words.