The Ricky Gervais Show (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Fight - full transcript
For the past few
years Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant,
and Karl Pilkington
Have been meeting regularly
For a series of pointless
conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right?
Hello and welcome to
"the Ricky Gervais show"
With me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...
Hello. -...And the
little round-headed buffoon
That is Karl Pilkington.
Hi.
Sync by honeybunny
Of course, as ever,
lots of questions for Karl as well,
Just to sort of try and
tap into his brain--
See what's going on there.
Question from Jade: "Karl,
what would you change
If you were in charge of what
kids are taught in school?"
Right, you know? 'cause, I mean,
your school experience
Was a bit iffy.
You got very bored, didn't you?
You got very disillusioned
by school?
Yeah. What I'd do, right,
Is instead of keep-
sort of teaching kids
About 2 and 2, and that-- which is 4,
right?
- Well done.
- Show off.
Um, I think they should
be asked more questions
That make them think, rather than
something that has just got an answer.
I totally agree. I totally agree.
- Right?
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- So, like-- - to teach-
- The quest for knowledge
Inflaming their imaginations.
Just freakin' 'em out
a bit as well.
See, I knew that's
where he was going.
'cause as soon as you
started talking, Rick,
I was thinking you're thinking
some of the big existential
Or philosophical questions-
"what does it mean to be human?
What does it mean to interact
with other people?
Exactly. Or teaching them sort of
like philosophy on a basic level--
Teach them the love for learning--
Get them back to roots level
So they want to learn and
then they will learn,
As opposed to just
teaching them facts.
Whereas... -...He was thinking,
"freak 'em out a bit."
- Yeah.
- No, just like--
Like I read the other day
someone sent in on email
How there's a dishwasher
that's been found on mars.
- Rubbish.
- Whoa!
- That's not true.
- So tell them that.
But it's not true! - "go home and
write about it. How did that happen?"
- But it didn't happen!
- Well, it did happen.
- It was in a science magazine.
- No, it didn't happen.
There was not a dishwasher on mars.
- Why not?
- Because--
- What do you mean?
- How did it get there?
But we're always sending
rubbish out there.
- It's like--
- Not dishwashers!
What, you think the council will take
it away and go, "where can we put it?"
"well, the tip's full. Where--"
"where's the nearest thing
we can dump this?"
"mars, I imagine."
No, but the same way that fella who--
I don't know--
Was it two Christmases ago
when he was messing about
Saying, "I can get stuff to mars,
" and all that?
Um, he did it wrong 'cause
he did it on boxing day.
And I just think
nobody's concentrating.
No one wants to work on that day.
Do you know what I mean?
They're gonna do stuff sort of
half-assed on boxing day.
So it didn't really get there,
I don't think,
But it crash-landed.
What are you talking about?
What was he trying to do?
He was sending
something up to mars.
- Who was?
- That little fellow
That wanted to get
somethin' on mars--
- A probe, you mean?
- --And it didn't open properly.
It got there, didn't it?
The thing is it got there.
It didn't open properly.
No one's been back to pick it up.
What I'm saying is we're saying about
going to mars as our next planet.
It's a tip. There's loads of stuff
that's been floated up there.
- No. No, it's not.
- What are you talking about?
'cause it's all-- that probe thing
is still there rottin' away.
Yeah. So, ipso facto,
there is a dishwasher on mars.
We've settled that. Why would
they have a dishwasher on mars?
Would they take a dishwasher
up on the space shuttle
In case they had dinner parties?
What are you talking about?
I just think they would have
a little dishwasher in there.
There's a lot of them-
tight space.
You don't want-
"who's going to do that?"
That means-- - do you know
how much fuel it takes
- To move a kilogram...
- Yeah.
...Out of the earth's atmosphere?
So they're gonna take up
a dishwasher, are they?
Sorry, but what are they
cooking up there, Karl?
How many people does it
take to fly a rocket?
I--
How many people?
Tell me how many people.
It's either one monkey
With a banana chute that feeds it,
Or probably two or three humans.
Right. Say three humans.
There's three humans because
they need one to steer it--
One to stop at the petrol
station to get more--
What I'm saying is,
if you're gonna start having a sink,
- Then whoever's washing--
- They haven't got a sink.
I know, 'cause they've
got a dishwasher.
Ha ha! He's got you there.
Anyway, I'm not gonna go into that.
But all I'm saying is,
teach kids things about--
Say to 'em,
"when you go home tonight,
There was dinosaurs knocking
about ages ago.
How would you have lived with them?
Get on with it.
- See you later."
Well, they didn't.
We've told you this before.
You've got a lot of your
information from "the Flintstones"
And "one million years, B.C.,"
with Raquel Welch.
They're weren't dinosaurs
knocking around when there were
Little fellas knocking
around in furry pants.
No no, but just sort
of saying to them--
All right, then-
here's a different question.
- Go on then.
- Would it be better
Um, to have dinosaurs
knocking about now
- Whilst we're here?
- What?
I put it in my diary the other day.
When you think about it,
there's a population problem.
- Yeah yeah.
- There's too many of us.
We're saving people all the time.
No one's allowed to get
injured anymore.
You've got to wear a helmet
when you're on a bike.
There's speed bumps to
slow people down,
Zebra crossing,
cures for illnesses.
No one's dying anymore, right?
- I think they are.
- Not as many as there should be
- 'cause the world's crowded.
- I think--
I think there's still people dying.
- Not that many, though.
- Yeah, I think there's still--
- A handful. A handful.
- There's still millions of people dying.
Loads of people are living longer.
That's a problem.
- So what I'm saying--
- You feel that you should
Introduce tyrannosaurus
Rex into, say, London?
Just
have him wandering around,
Picking people off? - Just, you know,
just sort of random and that.
'cause I don't-- I mean,
I'm not wishing
That anyone I know dies and that.
All I'm saying is, I don't know
anyone who's died for ages.
Whereas if a dinosaur
was knocking about,
- You'd go--
"Neil's gone missing."
"Lenora's had her head
bitten off by a--"
Whatever. I just think then
it is survival of the fittest,
Which is-- we've lost all that now.
You don't even have
to be fit to survive.
They just keep sticking a
new lung on you.
Or...
Do you know what I mean? They can do
too much now to keep people going.
"they just keep sticking
a new lung on you!"
Question from Kevin.
He says, "Karl,
Other than the famous boxing match
that you've often talked about"--
I know that took up about
20 minutes of your time--
--"have you ever been in
any other kind of fight?"
I don't suppose
a slanging match.
I think they're talking have you
ever been in a physical fight.
Um, once that I can remember.
It was over a woman--
Well, a girl. I was at school.
- Yeah.
- Um, and it was because--
It's a hassle-- relationships,
when you're younger.
- How old were you?
- 'Cause you're not--
Um, about seven.
"It was over a woman."
go on, then.
Yeah, go on.
And there was this girl
knocking about who--
You know, she was quite good looking-
everybody liked.
And my mate-- he really liked her.
I didn't sort of ask her
out and that,
But she just sort of took a shine
to me and stuff, right?
And didn't really go
out with her properly.
It's at that age where
going out with someone
Is just like sort of going,
"a'right" in the morning.
Do you know what I mean?
You just sort of nod your head.
- Yeah.
- And that.
Anyway, there was some sort
of school disco.
They were playing spin the
bottle or something.
And I sort of wandered over to
see what was going on.
And I stood on this girl's dress
and put a hole in it.
And she started crying.
I was like,
"oh, I can't be dealing
with this."
Kind of, "what's up with you? Oh,
what's up with you?"
And everyone's going, "Karl,
what are you doing?
That's meant to be your
girlfriend and that.
You should be sort of saying, 'I'm sorry,
' and giving her a hug and all that.
And saying, 'it'll be all right.
We'll sort the dress out.'"
I said, "oh, I can't be
dealing with this."
She was crying her eyes out.
I said, "it's over," right?
Oh, it's over-- you saying,
"a'right" in the morning?
- Yeah.
- No more of that.
Yeah, there's no more,
"a'right" in the morning.
So I go to the toilet, right?
And this lad who fancies
her comes in and goes,
"you're out of order." you know?
And I said, "what are
you on about?"
- So there's two seven-year-olds?
- Two seven-year-olds?
"you're out of order! Keep out--"
Yeah. "cut it out.
Show her a bit of bloody respect."
Sorry, were you wearing trilbies?
He put his cigarette
out in the sink.
And he just said, "leave it."
"get out of my face."
I just sort of said, "look,
why are you getting involved?"
- And all that.
- Two seven-year-olds!
"why are you getting involved?"
And it was obviously because
he fancied her and that.
We had a bit of a fight in the--
I accidentally sort of chipped
his tooth on a sink.
Sorry. This is like something from "lock,
stock and two smoking barrels."
What are you talking about?
Two seven-year-olds in a toilet.
So you put-- you put a hole in her dress?
I don't know how that--
What were you wearing,
football boots?
How did you make a hole
in her dress?
I don't know. It was
that sort of material--
- If you were wearing winkle pickers-
- - Like crepe.
You know what I mean? It was
like a crepe dress or something.
Yeah. - And that
got a hole in it.
So you're having a-
when you say you're having a fight,
I mean, are you wrestling with it?
You got heads--
A little bit of wrestling
and shoving about and that.
It was an accident.
I didn't sort of go around,
"I'm gonna break your teeth,
" or anything.
It's just that I happened
to push his head down
And his tooth hit the sink
And it chipped and what have you.
After that, I sort of left
there and stuff.
We had to go into assembly.
There was a copper in there
doing some presentation,
Saying, "listen, kids,
don't get into trouble
Because we're out there
and we'll get you."
Right? Sort of tryin'
to teach the kids young
Not to get into any
trouble and stuff.
So I'm sat in the assembly room
Thinking, "oh, God,
there's a copper here talking
And my mate's gonna
me in in a minute,
Like, with a chipped
tooth and everything
Questions are gonna get asked.
That's what kind of happened.
I mean, the coppers
didn't get involved.
Did you turn your back on
violence after that? - Yeah.
He said, "you'll never take me alive,
copper!"
Um...
Yeah, that was the
sort of last fight.
Brilliant.
Some of the questions coming in now,
Rick, are just--
I don't know what
they're intending--
What response they're
hoping for, really.
This is one from Rob.
He just says, "I was just wondering,
What are Karl's views
on the human appendix?"
What do you think, Karl?
What do you think of the human appendix?
Never worried about it.
Well, I think Rob's point
is that it's sort of
Pretty redundant now.
So this is kind of what
we talked about before--
He always says that. He always says something
like, "we've talked about this before."
The thing is that we've talked
about is nothing like it.
What I mean is we've obviously
interfered somewhere along the way.
We have interfered, yeah.
We shouldn't have done, because--
It's the same way if we
didn't have planes and that,
Would we have wings now?
- No. - If we needed to get about,
would we have wings?
No. The answer's no. Next.
No. But you say that,
but look at the way--
He says it 'cause
he's right. - No.
All I'm saying is, you see
that picture of an ape to man?
Ricky: Yeah. - At first they
crawl about on all fours
Because you're looking for food,
so you want to be down there.
So if you're on both legs,
you're missing stuff on the floor.
What sort of time period
do you think this...
'cause, I mean, we started
dabbling with a plane
Maybe 100 years ago.
So what sort of time period
do you think this little thing
Who's scrambling around looking
for food stood up and walked?
I don't know. I sort of
don't worry about time.
We wouldn't have wings now.
If the Wright brothers had said,
"oh, forget it,"
We wouldn't have wings now.
What would happen? Right?
Here's another question.
This is one th I
chuck out to kids--
'cause we're always talking about
education-- teaching kids stuff.
What would happen, right?
We ruin this world, right?
It goes wrong and that.
They shut it down.
They go, "we're moving."
- We go to another planet.
- It's as simple as that in his world.
It's as simple as that.
"we can't go to Mars,
'cause it's full of stuff
That used to be in dixons."
- It's like a tip.
- Yeah, it's a nightmare.
So we can't go there.
We go somewhere else.
Something that I've always
wondered about-- if we do that,
Do we start new years or do we carry on-
do you know what I mean?
Do we say, "oh, it's still 2006"?
Or do we go it's world
new whatever--
New world?
That is definitely the
first priority, yeah.
It's year one. Right.
We've sorted that out.
- Right, now--
- It depends, doesn't it?
'cause the year might not
be the same on this planet.
We'd sort that out, right?
We'd sort out what
year it is and that.
No no, what I'm saying is,
We'd have to start again
anyway because the planet
Might not take one year as we
know it to go around the sun.
It might not take a day to turn.
A day is a day because that's
how long it takes for--
Yeah, but we'd have to
carry on as we know,
Because we don't want to start
doing longer days and that.
Otherwise it'll just kick off and say,
"this is rubbish,
This new world.
What are you doing?"
- No, we wouldn't have a choice.
- I'm taking a 28-hour day.
We wouldn't have a choice.
A day is how long it
takes the planet to turn.
- A day is--
- A year is how long
It takes that planet to
go around the sun once.
But a day is man-made, really.
There's places in the world where
they're working in the dark,
In Iceland and that.
But they don't go,
"well, it's dark all the time
so I'll stay in bed."
Well, no, but there's still a day. There's
still 24 hours in a day in Iceland.
Yeah, but that's-
we only work by that clock
Because that what people
use at the moment.
When they go, "what time is it?
" you go, "it's 20 past--"
No no no. We use that because
that's how long it takes
The planet we're on to turn--
I've never worried about that.
I've just--
- Well, I'm telling you-
- - 'Cause you weren't asked to get involved
When they came up with the idea.
That's what a day is. It's how
long it takes your planet to--
What do you mean?
No, I'm just saying,
that's fine and everything.
But if when I was born people said,
"there's 26 hours in a day,"
I'd go, "fair enough."
I'm not gonna argue-- - yeah,
we could have made longer hours.
You could have made hours
shorter and get 26 in.
Well, they're saying they're
gonna do that. - No, they're not.
No, they are because there's
so many people in the world.
This is what I was
talking about before.
They've got to create more jobs.
The only way to have more jobs,
Keep shops open, take on more people-
everyone's happy.
- That makes no sense at all.
- Say there's 28 hours in a day.
Yeah, it'd still be 24 hours
long as we used to know it.
No. You'd have, like,
"what time is it?"
"oh, it's like 20 past 25,
" or whatever.
- You're not making any sense at all.
- I'm just saying--
The earth would still take
24 hours as we know it now--
Forget it.
Hang on a minute.
There's more interesting
territory here.
Don't forget our sleep
patterns have evolved on a day.
The reason we sort of like
go to sleep at night
And have about eight to 10 hours sleep,
is because that's our evolution.
No, but that's only-
that's just what we've got used to.
Yeah. - You look at a sloth.
That's asleep all the time.
But it evolved differently,
didn't it?
"you can't get away. You're not
getting away with this anymore.
If you want to live now,
join in with us."
Well, it's that time again.
Uh, it's the feature that the world
Is saying could rival
monkey news one day.
Ready? Oh,
what's he written today?
Well, Karl's diary.
You didn't explain what it was.
"Sunday: Got up. Sunny day,
so went for a walk in the park."
There was a bloke walking down the
street who was whistling,
Uh, some kind of annoying tune.
He seemed quite happy
with himself.
Do people only whistle
when they're happy?
- I don't whistle very much."
- It's a good point.
Uh, whistling is so inane to me.
But yeah, but...
It's sort of like going,
"I'm so-- I'm content.
I'm, uh--" it really is
that thing that they go,
"well, um, Mr. Mathers, I'm afraid
We've got some bad news.
Not only has your wife died,
But you've lost the house.
" "thanks, doctor."
Wouldn't happen. - No.
You don't whistle when you're sad.
The other place you hear it
of course is changing rooms.
And that's men going...
"I'm whistling so I'm not
looking at your cock.
How could I be? I'm concentrating
on whistling."
"the Lake was frozen
over where I was walking.
- The ducks look worried."
"they were sat on the edge of the
Lake waiting for it to melt."
Were they, Karl?
Yeah, they were just sat looking,
sort of going, "what's going on?"
I don't know.
How long is a duck's memory?
'cause I wondered
whether they're going,
"this doesn't seem right,
but I don't know why."
"I asked Suzanne why ducks
don't use their wings much."
They seem to walk and swim more and
don't bother using their wings.
"Suzanne said she had to call her mom
and dad, so I never got an answer."
The old excuse!
"Suzanne?" "oh, I can't talk now, Karl.
I'm..."
"gonna phone my mom."
"there was a marathon type
run going on in the park."
It reminded me of the time
when we were moving flat.
It was a day of the
London marathon.
Me and Suzanne were walking down
the middle of the road
Taking some stuff to our new flat.
I was carrying a lamp and
a kitchen bin.
People were clapping me thinking I was
doing some kind of fun run."
Why were y walking
on the same route?
Because that was when we
lived on the docklands.
- Oh, brilliant.
- There was no other route.
The flat was just about
100 yards down the road.
They're going, "look at the
bloke with the bald wig!
He's carrying a lamp and bin."
"took a bag of old
clothes to oxfam."
It was just old t-shirts and a couple
of jumpers with holes in it.
I don't think anyone will buy 'em.
But the oxfam is closer to the
flat than the wheelie bin."
"on the tube on the way back home,"
Saw an advert for a book about a
woman who works in a funeral home.
She went into work one day.
Uh, she goes to work on a body.
She takes the sheet off of
one of the bodies
And it looks exactly like her.
This is called a doppelganger."
What's a doppelganger to you?
It's the thing I read
about ages ago where
Someone was walking
down the street.
And he's sees somebody who
looked a bit like him.
And-- no. This was
weirder than that. - Go on.
He remembers like
going down that street
As a kid on his bike, whistling.
And then he sort of-
he's walking down the street,
Going to get some milk or
whatever from the shop.
Little bike comes whizzing past.
He hears the whistling and goes,
"that's weird."
Looks a bit. It was him
when he was a kid.
Don't talk shit. What do you
mean it was him as a kid?
This is like a different
form of doppelganger.
It's just, uh-- - well,
it's impossible. It's rubbish.
- --Some sort of time thing.
- No, no. That's impossible.
- So don't worry about it.
- It's just some kind of time thing, Rick.
Yeah, it's what you read
again on the Internet
Or it was a short story or
something someone told you.
"on my walk back from the tube,"
I saw a jogger who was pushing
a pram at the same time.
- The kid looked terrified."
"got my science book out.
It said that the static"
You get on the telly when a channel
isn't tuned in properly
Is radiation that is still
knocking about
From when the big bang happened.
I thought about the big bang
And wondered if it was
really a big bang,
Or did it just sound louder as there was
no other noise to drown it out?"
Good point though, isn't it?
Karl's diary, Rick,
never ceases to amaze.
Oh, well, it's that time now, yeah?
It's the big one.
Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.
- Right. There was this, uh--
- Monkey?
--This fella who had a
problem with his eyes.
Right?
So, uh, he goes to the doctor's.
And he goes, "I've got a
problem with my eyes."
And he goes, "yeah,
they're bad then."
He goes, uh-- he was in America.
You know how you have to
pay for medical stuff?
And the doctor said,
"if I fix them,
It's gonna be like 10 grand,
" right?
He's like, "but I haven't got
the money, doctor."
And he goes, "well,
I can't help you then.
There's a lot of people
with bad eyes.
Can't do anything for you.
" he says, "oh, it's getting worse.
I can't do anything.
" so he goes home.
Is that the price of
human eyes, is it?
So he goes home.
He's looking in the paper.
And he sort of sees in the
adverts at the back
There's a little advert there saying
"cheap doctors," right?
- No, bollocks. No.
- Oh no!
So he's thinking,
oh, maybe that's--
Maybe that's what I-
maybe that's what I need, right?
So he calls them up.
Woman is there.
She's like, "what can I do?" he goes,
"I've got bad eyes."
She says, "oh, come in tomorrow.
We'll sort 'em out."
He's like, "brilliant. I'll see you then,
" right? So he goes down there.
And he says, "right,
I can hardly see.
My eyes have got in a really bad
state and what have you.
I need to have them sorted out.
I don't know what you do.
Whatever you do, I need doing."
Now his eyes are so bad,
can he see the doctors?
Um, not really. He's sort
of squinting and that.
But, you know, so he's like,
"do I need to see the doctor
To, you know, have a word and tell
me what the problem is?"
She's like, "no, don't worry about that.
Just, uh--"
I'd be comfortable if it's a--
"just, you know,
just let me inject you.
And we'll knock you out and
we'll get on with it."
Can I just tell you something about
chimps just before you continue?
You know they don't have
opposable thumbs which is why--
Now why are opposable
thumbs useful, really?
Well, to grip something,
to do anything like,
Even simple stuff like write and stuff,
let alone surgery.
- So without an opposable thumb-
- - But can I just check now?
So if I was a doctor and I was doing
any form of difficult surgery,
- Would I need opposable thumbs?
- You'd need opposable thumbs.
To be a doctor-- - without,
you couldn't do anything.
- Thanks for clearing that up.
- The opposable thumb allowed something
In our evolution called "
the precision grip."
So without that,
you couldn't do anything.
I'm just glad they've got
that cleared up, thanks.
So he's had the injection.
He's nodding off and what have you,
right?
His eyes are sort of closing and that.
He hears the door open.
He sort of just sees this little fella
coming in. He's like, "hello, doctor."
He's trying to make a
chat with it.
- But like he's just nodding off.
- "It?"
Uh, no. - Oh,
he's never called a doctor.
These people have done seven
years' medical training.
- These are respected people.
- How could you call it "it"?
So anyway, he thought, "oh,
it's weird he didn't answer.
But, you know, doctors can
be quite Moody.
They're highly intelligent.
They don't need that."
- Especially little hairy ones.
- Or just idle chitchat.
There's no room for that, you know.
It's just-- if I'm going
in to have my eyes done,
I want a little bit of idle "
chimp chat."
So anyway, time passes, right?
He sort of wakes up.
And he opens his eyes, right?
And it's brilliant.
He can't believe it.
- Eyes are perfect?
- He's d the op.
He can't believe the sight. He's like,
"nurse!" right? The nurse comes in.
He goes, "I can't believe it.
This is brilliant.
I've never had such good sight.
You know, even when I was a baby
"And my eyes were new,
I didn't see this good."
Great. - So she's like,
"well, that's--"
He realized the nurse was a panda?
"--that's what we do, right?" so,
uh, he said, "right.
So can I just see the doctor and
just say thanks and that?"
She's like, "well, to be honest,
He's specialized in what he does.
There's a lot--"
What a load of bollocks
this is getting. - Please.
Where did you get this from? - No,
come on, let's hear the end of the news.
"there's a lot of-- there's a lot of,
like, operations he's gotta do.
Um, so you know, leave him to it.
He's just having a kip, you know?
I'll let him know that
you were grateful.
Uh, you know, pay us a check,
off you go.
Go and enjoy looking at stuff."
So he says, uh, he says, "no.
I just-- what's wrong with that?
I just want to see the doctor.
" "no, just leave it."
Yeah exactly, leave it. - And he's like,
"yeah, but I can't, you know--
I want to thank him. He's done
such a good thing for me."
So they're getting into a bit of
an argument and what have you.
The voices are raising,
right? A door opens.
Gonna wake the doctor up. - Well, that's
what they did. They woke it up, right?
- They we "it" up?
- "It"?
So the door opens, right?
Little monkey comes out.
And he's like, "what's-
what's going on in this hospital?
Why does he have a monkey
knocking about?"
So the woman said, "what do you mean?
He's the doctor."
So he's like, "you are having a laugh,
aren't you?"
She goes, "don't complain.
Your eyes are sorted.
The doctor's done it.
What's the problem?"
He said, "if I had known that,
I wouldn't have come here."
She said, "what do you mean
you didn't know that?"
She said, "the advert in the paper you read,
it said, 'chimp doctors.'"
That is the biggest load
of shit I have ever heard.
That really is the worst.
What? And he--
so 'cause his eyes were so bad,
He thought it said "cheap doctors"?
He saw the advert,
and it said, "chimp doctors."
But because his eyes were bad, he just
saw it as-- - what journal is this in?
It was-- it was years
ago 'cause it of says
How the monkey sort of carried
on working for a few years.
- Uh, it couldn't do anything-
- - Then he just retires to play golf.
It's absolute bollocks.
There's no way-- that's the worst.
I mean, it's not even
worth talking about.
It's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
It's the most ridiculous monkey news we've
ever heard, and that's saying something.
Chimp-- chimp doctors; cheap.
Easy mistake.
Sync by honeybunny
years Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant,
and Karl Pilkington
Have been meeting regularly
For a series of pointless
conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right?
Hello and welcome to
"the Ricky Gervais show"
With me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...
Hello. -...And the
little round-headed buffoon
That is Karl Pilkington.
Hi.
Sync by honeybunny
Of course, as ever,
lots of questions for Karl as well,
Just to sort of try and
tap into his brain--
See what's going on there.
Question from Jade: "Karl,
what would you change
If you were in charge of what
kids are taught in school?"
Right, you know? 'cause, I mean,
your school experience
Was a bit iffy.
You got very bored, didn't you?
You got very disillusioned
by school?
Yeah. What I'd do, right,
Is instead of keep-
sort of teaching kids
About 2 and 2, and that-- which is 4,
right?
- Well done.
- Show off.
Um, I think they should
be asked more questions
That make them think, rather than
something that has just got an answer.
I totally agree. I totally agree.
- Right?
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- So, like-- - to teach-
- The quest for knowledge
Inflaming their imaginations.
Just freakin' 'em out
a bit as well.
See, I knew that's
where he was going.
'cause as soon as you
started talking, Rick,
I was thinking you're thinking
some of the big existential
Or philosophical questions-
"what does it mean to be human?
What does it mean to interact
with other people?
Exactly. Or teaching them sort of
like philosophy on a basic level--
Teach them the love for learning--
Get them back to roots level
So they want to learn and
then they will learn,
As opposed to just
teaching them facts.
Whereas... -...He was thinking,
"freak 'em out a bit."
- Yeah.
- No, just like--
Like I read the other day
someone sent in on email
How there's a dishwasher
that's been found on mars.
- Rubbish.
- Whoa!
- That's not true.
- So tell them that.
But it's not true! - "go home and
write about it. How did that happen?"
- But it didn't happen!
- Well, it did happen.
- It was in a science magazine.
- No, it didn't happen.
There was not a dishwasher on mars.
- Why not?
- Because--
- What do you mean?
- How did it get there?
But we're always sending
rubbish out there.
- It's like--
- Not dishwashers!
What, you think the council will take
it away and go, "where can we put it?"
"well, the tip's full. Where--"
"where's the nearest thing
we can dump this?"
"mars, I imagine."
No, but the same way that fella who--
I don't know--
Was it two Christmases ago
when he was messing about
Saying, "I can get stuff to mars,
" and all that?
Um, he did it wrong 'cause
he did it on boxing day.
And I just think
nobody's concentrating.
No one wants to work on that day.
Do you know what I mean?
They're gonna do stuff sort of
half-assed on boxing day.
So it didn't really get there,
I don't think,
But it crash-landed.
What are you talking about?
What was he trying to do?
He was sending
something up to mars.
- Who was?
- That little fellow
That wanted to get
somethin' on mars--
- A probe, you mean?
- --And it didn't open properly.
It got there, didn't it?
The thing is it got there.
It didn't open properly.
No one's been back to pick it up.
What I'm saying is we're saying about
going to mars as our next planet.
It's a tip. There's loads of stuff
that's been floated up there.
- No. No, it's not.
- What are you talking about?
'cause it's all-- that probe thing
is still there rottin' away.
Yeah. So, ipso facto,
there is a dishwasher on mars.
We've settled that. Why would
they have a dishwasher on mars?
Would they take a dishwasher
up on the space shuttle
In case they had dinner parties?
What are you talking about?
I just think they would have
a little dishwasher in there.
There's a lot of them-
tight space.
You don't want-
"who's going to do that?"
That means-- - do you know
how much fuel it takes
- To move a kilogram...
- Yeah.
...Out of the earth's atmosphere?
So they're gonna take up
a dishwasher, are they?
Sorry, but what are they
cooking up there, Karl?
How many people does it
take to fly a rocket?
I--
How many people?
Tell me how many people.
It's either one monkey
With a banana chute that feeds it,
Or probably two or three humans.
Right. Say three humans.
There's three humans because
they need one to steer it--
One to stop at the petrol
station to get more--
What I'm saying is,
if you're gonna start having a sink,
- Then whoever's washing--
- They haven't got a sink.
I know, 'cause they've
got a dishwasher.
Ha ha! He's got you there.
Anyway, I'm not gonna go into that.
But all I'm saying is,
teach kids things about--
Say to 'em,
"when you go home tonight,
There was dinosaurs knocking
about ages ago.
How would you have lived with them?
Get on with it.
- See you later."
Well, they didn't.
We've told you this before.
You've got a lot of your
information from "the Flintstones"
And "one million years, B.C.,"
with Raquel Welch.
They're weren't dinosaurs
knocking around when there were
Little fellas knocking
around in furry pants.
No no, but just sort
of saying to them--
All right, then-
here's a different question.
- Go on then.
- Would it be better
Um, to have dinosaurs
knocking about now
- Whilst we're here?
- What?
I put it in my diary the other day.
When you think about it,
there's a population problem.
- Yeah yeah.
- There's too many of us.
We're saving people all the time.
No one's allowed to get
injured anymore.
You've got to wear a helmet
when you're on a bike.
There's speed bumps to
slow people down,
Zebra crossing,
cures for illnesses.
No one's dying anymore, right?
- I think they are.
- Not as many as there should be
- 'cause the world's crowded.
- I think--
I think there's still people dying.
- Not that many, though.
- Yeah, I think there's still--
- A handful. A handful.
- There's still millions of people dying.
Loads of people are living longer.
That's a problem.
- So what I'm saying--
- You feel that you should
Introduce tyrannosaurus
Rex into, say, London?
Just
have him wandering around,
Picking people off? - Just, you know,
just sort of random and that.
'cause I don't-- I mean,
I'm not wishing
That anyone I know dies and that.
All I'm saying is, I don't know
anyone who's died for ages.
Whereas if a dinosaur
was knocking about,
- You'd go--
"Neil's gone missing."
"Lenora's had her head
bitten off by a--"
Whatever. I just think then
it is survival of the fittest,
Which is-- we've lost all that now.
You don't even have
to be fit to survive.
They just keep sticking a
new lung on you.
Or...
Do you know what I mean? They can do
too much now to keep people going.
"they just keep sticking
a new lung on you!"
Question from Kevin.
He says, "Karl,
Other than the famous boxing match
that you've often talked about"--
I know that took up about
20 minutes of your time--
--"have you ever been in
any other kind of fight?"
I don't suppose
a slanging match.
I think they're talking have you
ever been in a physical fight.
Um, once that I can remember.
It was over a woman--
Well, a girl. I was at school.
- Yeah.
- Um, and it was because--
It's a hassle-- relationships,
when you're younger.
- How old were you?
- 'Cause you're not--
Um, about seven.
"It was over a woman."
go on, then.
Yeah, go on.
And there was this girl
knocking about who--
You know, she was quite good looking-
everybody liked.
And my mate-- he really liked her.
I didn't sort of ask her
out and that,
But she just sort of took a shine
to me and stuff, right?
And didn't really go
out with her properly.
It's at that age where
going out with someone
Is just like sort of going,
"a'right" in the morning.
Do you know what I mean?
You just sort of nod your head.
- Yeah.
- And that.
Anyway, there was some sort
of school disco.
They were playing spin the
bottle or something.
And I sort of wandered over to
see what was going on.
And I stood on this girl's dress
and put a hole in it.
And she started crying.
I was like,
"oh, I can't be dealing
with this."
Kind of, "what's up with you? Oh,
what's up with you?"
And everyone's going, "Karl,
what are you doing?
That's meant to be your
girlfriend and that.
You should be sort of saying, 'I'm sorry,
' and giving her a hug and all that.
And saying, 'it'll be all right.
We'll sort the dress out.'"
I said, "oh, I can't be
dealing with this."
She was crying her eyes out.
I said, "it's over," right?
Oh, it's over-- you saying,
"a'right" in the morning?
- Yeah.
- No more of that.
Yeah, there's no more,
"a'right" in the morning.
So I go to the toilet, right?
And this lad who fancies
her comes in and goes,
"you're out of order." you know?
And I said, "what are
you on about?"
- So there's two seven-year-olds?
- Two seven-year-olds?
"you're out of order! Keep out--"
Yeah. "cut it out.
Show her a bit of bloody respect."
Sorry, were you wearing trilbies?
He put his cigarette
out in the sink.
And he just said, "leave it."
"get out of my face."
I just sort of said, "look,
why are you getting involved?"
- And all that.
- Two seven-year-olds!
"why are you getting involved?"
And it was obviously because
he fancied her and that.
We had a bit of a fight in the--
I accidentally sort of chipped
his tooth on a sink.
Sorry. This is like something from "lock,
stock and two smoking barrels."
What are you talking about?
Two seven-year-olds in a toilet.
So you put-- you put a hole in her dress?
I don't know how that--
What were you wearing,
football boots?
How did you make a hole
in her dress?
I don't know. It was
that sort of material--
- If you were wearing winkle pickers-
- - Like crepe.
You know what I mean? It was
like a crepe dress or something.
Yeah. - And that
got a hole in it.
So you're having a-
when you say you're having a fight,
I mean, are you wrestling with it?
You got heads--
A little bit of wrestling
and shoving about and that.
It was an accident.
I didn't sort of go around,
"I'm gonna break your teeth,
" or anything.
It's just that I happened
to push his head down
And his tooth hit the sink
And it chipped and what have you.
After that, I sort of left
there and stuff.
We had to go into assembly.
There was a copper in there
doing some presentation,
Saying, "listen, kids,
don't get into trouble
Because we're out there
and we'll get you."
Right? Sort of tryin'
to teach the kids young
Not to get into any
trouble and stuff.
So I'm sat in the assembly room
Thinking, "oh, God,
there's a copper here talking
And my mate's gonna
me in in a minute,
Like, with a chipped
tooth and everything
Questions are gonna get asked.
That's what kind of happened.
I mean, the coppers
didn't get involved.
Did you turn your back on
violence after that? - Yeah.
He said, "you'll never take me alive,
copper!"
Um...
Yeah, that was the
sort of last fight.
Brilliant.
Some of the questions coming in now,
Rick, are just--
I don't know what
they're intending--
What response they're
hoping for, really.
This is one from Rob.
He just says, "I was just wondering,
What are Karl's views
on the human appendix?"
What do you think, Karl?
What do you think of the human appendix?
Never worried about it.
Well, I think Rob's point
is that it's sort of
Pretty redundant now.
So this is kind of what
we talked about before--
He always says that. He always says something
like, "we've talked about this before."
The thing is that we've talked
about is nothing like it.
What I mean is we've obviously
interfered somewhere along the way.
We have interfered, yeah.
We shouldn't have done, because--
It's the same way if we
didn't have planes and that,
Would we have wings now?
- No. - If we needed to get about,
would we have wings?
No. The answer's no. Next.
No. But you say that,
but look at the way--
He says it 'cause
he's right. - No.
All I'm saying is, you see
that picture of an ape to man?
Ricky: Yeah. - At first they
crawl about on all fours
Because you're looking for food,
so you want to be down there.
So if you're on both legs,
you're missing stuff on the floor.
What sort of time period
do you think this...
'cause, I mean, we started
dabbling with a plane
Maybe 100 years ago.
So what sort of time period
do you think this little thing
Who's scrambling around looking
for food stood up and walked?
I don't know. I sort of
don't worry about time.
We wouldn't have wings now.
If the Wright brothers had said,
"oh, forget it,"
We wouldn't have wings now.
What would happen? Right?
Here's another question.
This is one th I
chuck out to kids--
'cause we're always talking about
education-- teaching kids stuff.
What would happen, right?
We ruin this world, right?
It goes wrong and that.
They shut it down.
They go, "we're moving."
- We go to another planet.
- It's as simple as that in his world.
It's as simple as that.
"we can't go to Mars,
'cause it's full of stuff
That used to be in dixons."
- It's like a tip.
- Yeah, it's a nightmare.
So we can't go there.
We go somewhere else.
Something that I've always
wondered about-- if we do that,
Do we start new years or do we carry on-
do you know what I mean?
Do we say, "oh, it's still 2006"?
Or do we go it's world
new whatever--
New world?
That is definitely the
first priority, yeah.
It's year one. Right.
We've sorted that out.
- Right, now--
- It depends, doesn't it?
'cause the year might not
be the same on this planet.
We'd sort that out, right?
We'd sort out what
year it is and that.
No no, what I'm saying is,
We'd have to start again
anyway because the planet
Might not take one year as we
know it to go around the sun.
It might not take a day to turn.
A day is a day because that's
how long it takes for--
Yeah, but we'd have to
carry on as we know,
Because we don't want to start
doing longer days and that.
Otherwise it'll just kick off and say,
"this is rubbish,
This new world.
What are you doing?"
- No, we wouldn't have a choice.
- I'm taking a 28-hour day.
We wouldn't have a choice.
A day is how long it
takes the planet to turn.
- A day is--
- A year is how long
It takes that planet to
go around the sun once.
But a day is man-made, really.
There's places in the world where
they're working in the dark,
In Iceland and that.
But they don't go,
"well, it's dark all the time
so I'll stay in bed."
Well, no, but there's still a day. There's
still 24 hours in a day in Iceland.
Yeah, but that's-
we only work by that clock
Because that what people
use at the moment.
When they go, "what time is it?
" you go, "it's 20 past--"
No no no. We use that because
that's how long it takes
The planet we're on to turn--
I've never worried about that.
I've just--
- Well, I'm telling you-
- - 'Cause you weren't asked to get involved
When they came up with the idea.
That's what a day is. It's how
long it takes your planet to--
What do you mean?
No, I'm just saying,
that's fine and everything.
But if when I was born people said,
"there's 26 hours in a day,"
I'd go, "fair enough."
I'm not gonna argue-- - yeah,
we could have made longer hours.
You could have made hours
shorter and get 26 in.
Well, they're saying they're
gonna do that. - No, they're not.
No, they are because there's
so many people in the world.
This is what I was
talking about before.
They've got to create more jobs.
The only way to have more jobs,
Keep shops open, take on more people-
everyone's happy.
- That makes no sense at all.
- Say there's 28 hours in a day.
Yeah, it'd still be 24 hours
long as we used to know it.
No. You'd have, like,
"what time is it?"
"oh, it's like 20 past 25,
" or whatever.
- You're not making any sense at all.
- I'm just saying--
The earth would still take
24 hours as we know it now--
Forget it.
Hang on a minute.
There's more interesting
territory here.
Don't forget our sleep
patterns have evolved on a day.
The reason we sort of like
go to sleep at night
And have about eight to 10 hours sleep,
is because that's our evolution.
No, but that's only-
that's just what we've got used to.
Yeah. - You look at a sloth.
That's asleep all the time.
But it evolved differently,
didn't it?
"you can't get away. You're not
getting away with this anymore.
If you want to live now,
join in with us."
Well, it's that time again.
Uh, it's the feature that the world
Is saying could rival
monkey news one day.
Ready? Oh,
what's he written today?
Well, Karl's diary.
You didn't explain what it was.
"Sunday: Got up. Sunny day,
so went for a walk in the park."
There was a bloke walking down the
street who was whistling,
Uh, some kind of annoying tune.
He seemed quite happy
with himself.
Do people only whistle
when they're happy?
- I don't whistle very much."
- It's a good point.
Uh, whistling is so inane to me.
But yeah, but...
It's sort of like going,
"I'm so-- I'm content.
I'm, uh--" it really is
that thing that they go,
"well, um, Mr. Mathers, I'm afraid
We've got some bad news.
Not only has your wife died,
But you've lost the house.
" "thanks, doctor."
Wouldn't happen. - No.
You don't whistle when you're sad.
The other place you hear it
of course is changing rooms.
And that's men going...
"I'm whistling so I'm not
looking at your cock.
How could I be? I'm concentrating
on whistling."
"the Lake was frozen
over where I was walking.
- The ducks look worried."
"they were sat on the edge of the
Lake waiting for it to melt."
Were they, Karl?
Yeah, they were just sat looking,
sort of going, "what's going on?"
I don't know.
How long is a duck's memory?
'cause I wondered
whether they're going,
"this doesn't seem right,
but I don't know why."
"I asked Suzanne why ducks
don't use their wings much."
They seem to walk and swim more and
don't bother using their wings.
"Suzanne said she had to call her mom
and dad, so I never got an answer."
The old excuse!
"Suzanne?" "oh, I can't talk now, Karl.
I'm..."
"gonna phone my mom."
"there was a marathon type
run going on in the park."
It reminded me of the time
when we were moving flat.
It was a day of the
London marathon.
Me and Suzanne were walking down
the middle of the road
Taking some stuff to our new flat.
I was carrying a lamp and
a kitchen bin.
People were clapping me thinking I was
doing some kind of fun run."
Why were y walking
on the same route?
Because that was when we
lived on the docklands.
- Oh, brilliant.
- There was no other route.
The flat was just about
100 yards down the road.
They're going, "look at the
bloke with the bald wig!
He's carrying a lamp and bin."
"took a bag of old
clothes to oxfam."
It was just old t-shirts and a couple
of jumpers with holes in it.
I don't think anyone will buy 'em.
But the oxfam is closer to the
flat than the wheelie bin."
"on the tube on the way back home,"
Saw an advert for a book about a
woman who works in a funeral home.
She went into work one day.
Uh, she goes to work on a body.
She takes the sheet off of
one of the bodies
And it looks exactly like her.
This is called a doppelganger."
What's a doppelganger to you?
It's the thing I read
about ages ago where
Someone was walking
down the street.
And he's sees somebody who
looked a bit like him.
And-- no. This was
weirder than that. - Go on.
He remembers like
going down that street
As a kid on his bike, whistling.
And then he sort of-
he's walking down the street,
Going to get some milk or
whatever from the shop.
Little bike comes whizzing past.
He hears the whistling and goes,
"that's weird."
Looks a bit. It was him
when he was a kid.
Don't talk shit. What do you
mean it was him as a kid?
This is like a different
form of doppelganger.
It's just, uh-- - well,
it's impossible. It's rubbish.
- --Some sort of time thing.
- No, no. That's impossible.
- So don't worry about it.
- It's just some kind of time thing, Rick.
Yeah, it's what you read
again on the Internet
Or it was a short story or
something someone told you.
"on my walk back from the tube,"
I saw a jogger who was pushing
a pram at the same time.
- The kid looked terrified."
"got my science book out.
It said that the static"
You get on the telly when a channel
isn't tuned in properly
Is radiation that is still
knocking about
From when the big bang happened.
I thought about the big bang
And wondered if it was
really a big bang,
Or did it just sound louder as there was
no other noise to drown it out?"
Good point though, isn't it?
Karl's diary, Rick,
never ceases to amaze.
Oh, well, it's that time now, yeah?
It's the big one.
Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news.
- Right. There was this, uh--
- Monkey?
--This fella who had a
problem with his eyes.
Right?
So, uh, he goes to the doctor's.
And he goes, "I've got a
problem with my eyes."
And he goes, "yeah,
they're bad then."
He goes, uh-- he was in America.
You know how you have to
pay for medical stuff?
And the doctor said,
"if I fix them,
It's gonna be like 10 grand,
" right?
He's like, "but I haven't got
the money, doctor."
And he goes, "well,
I can't help you then.
There's a lot of people
with bad eyes.
Can't do anything for you.
" he says, "oh, it's getting worse.
I can't do anything.
" so he goes home.
Is that the price of
human eyes, is it?
So he goes home.
He's looking in the paper.
And he sort of sees in the
adverts at the back
There's a little advert there saying
"cheap doctors," right?
- No, bollocks. No.
- Oh no!
So he's thinking,
oh, maybe that's--
Maybe that's what I-
maybe that's what I need, right?
So he calls them up.
Woman is there.
She's like, "what can I do?" he goes,
"I've got bad eyes."
She says, "oh, come in tomorrow.
We'll sort 'em out."
He's like, "brilliant. I'll see you then,
" right? So he goes down there.
And he says, "right,
I can hardly see.
My eyes have got in a really bad
state and what have you.
I need to have them sorted out.
I don't know what you do.
Whatever you do, I need doing."
Now his eyes are so bad,
can he see the doctors?
Um, not really. He's sort
of squinting and that.
But, you know, so he's like,
"do I need to see the doctor
To, you know, have a word and tell
me what the problem is?"
She's like, "no, don't worry about that.
Just, uh--"
I'd be comfortable if it's a--
"just, you know,
just let me inject you.
And we'll knock you out and
we'll get on with it."
Can I just tell you something about
chimps just before you continue?
You know they don't have
opposable thumbs which is why--
Now why are opposable
thumbs useful, really?
Well, to grip something,
to do anything like,
Even simple stuff like write and stuff,
let alone surgery.
- So without an opposable thumb-
- - But can I just check now?
So if I was a doctor and I was doing
any form of difficult surgery,
- Would I need opposable thumbs?
- You'd need opposable thumbs.
To be a doctor-- - without,
you couldn't do anything.
- Thanks for clearing that up.
- The opposable thumb allowed something
In our evolution called "
the precision grip."
So without that,
you couldn't do anything.
I'm just glad they've got
that cleared up, thanks.
So he's had the injection.
He's nodding off and what have you,
right?
His eyes are sort of closing and that.
He hears the door open.
He sort of just sees this little fella
coming in. He's like, "hello, doctor."
He's trying to make a
chat with it.
- But like he's just nodding off.
- "It?"
Uh, no. - Oh,
he's never called a doctor.
These people have done seven
years' medical training.
- These are respected people.
- How could you call it "it"?
So anyway, he thought, "oh,
it's weird he didn't answer.
But, you know, doctors can
be quite Moody.
They're highly intelligent.
They don't need that."
- Especially little hairy ones.
- Or just idle chitchat.
There's no room for that, you know.
It's just-- if I'm going
in to have my eyes done,
I want a little bit of idle "
chimp chat."
So anyway, time passes, right?
He sort of wakes up.
And he opens his eyes, right?
And it's brilliant.
He can't believe it.
- Eyes are perfect?
- He's d the op.
He can't believe the sight. He's like,
"nurse!" right? The nurse comes in.
He goes, "I can't believe it.
This is brilliant.
I've never had such good sight.
You know, even when I was a baby
"And my eyes were new,
I didn't see this good."
Great. - So she's like,
"well, that's--"
He realized the nurse was a panda?
"--that's what we do, right?" so,
uh, he said, "right.
So can I just see the doctor and
just say thanks and that?"
She's like, "well, to be honest,
He's specialized in what he does.
There's a lot--"
What a load of bollocks
this is getting. - Please.
Where did you get this from? - No,
come on, let's hear the end of the news.
"there's a lot of-- there's a lot of,
like, operations he's gotta do.
Um, so you know, leave him to it.
He's just having a kip, you know?
I'll let him know that
you were grateful.
Uh, you know, pay us a check,
off you go.
Go and enjoy looking at stuff."
So he says, uh, he says, "no.
I just-- what's wrong with that?
I just want to see the doctor.
" "no, just leave it."
Yeah exactly, leave it. - And he's like,
"yeah, but I can't, you know--
I want to thank him. He's done
such a good thing for me."
So they're getting into a bit of
an argument and what have you.
The voices are raising,
right? A door opens.
Gonna wake the doctor up. - Well, that's
what they did. They woke it up, right?
- They we "it" up?
- "It"?
So the door opens, right?
Little monkey comes out.
And he's like, "what's-
what's going on in this hospital?
Why does he have a monkey
knocking about?"
So the woman said, "what do you mean?
He's the doctor."
So he's like, "you are having a laugh,
aren't you?"
She goes, "don't complain.
Your eyes are sorted.
The doctor's done it.
What's the problem?"
He said, "if I had known that,
I wouldn't have come here."
She said, "what do you mean
you didn't know that?"
She said, "the advert in the paper you read,
it said, 'chimp doctors.'"
That is the biggest load
of shit I have ever heard.
That really is the worst.
What? And he--
so 'cause his eyes were so bad,
He thought it said "cheap doctors"?
He saw the advert,
and it said, "chimp doctors."
But because his eyes were bad, he just
saw it as-- - what journal is this in?
It was-- it was years
ago 'cause it of says
How the monkey sort of carried
on working for a few years.
- Uh, it couldn't do anything-
- - Then he just retires to play golf.
It's absolute bollocks.
There's no way-- that's the worst.
I mean, it's not even
worth talking about.
It's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
It's the most ridiculous monkey news we've
ever heard, and that's saying something.
Chimp-- chimp doctors; cheap.
Easy mistake.
Sync by honeybunny