The Ricky Gervais Show (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 13 - Freaks - full transcript

( theme music playing )

Announcer: For the past
few years Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant
and Karl Pilkington

Have been meeting
regularly

For a series
of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing.
- Is that all right?

( dings )

Hello and welcome
to The Ricky Gervais Show"

With me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...

- Hello. - ...
And the little round-headed buffoon



That is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

Questions for Karl,

Just to sort of try
and tap into his brain.

- See what's going on there.
- Yep.

The questionnaire
that is often featured

At the end of the T.V. program
"inside the actors studio"...

"if heaven exists, what would
you like to hear God say

When you arrive
at the pearly gates?"

Is that how it works?

- ( both groan ) - What do you mean?
What's the question?

Well, I don't know.
You hear so many other things

That you have to go
through at the gates.

I can't imagine him being on
the door is what I'm saying.



( Ricky laughs )

If he owns the place,
what's he doing there?

- He could put anyone on it.
- Well, it's st. Peter, isn't it,

Who's normally minding
the gates famously?

- Right, so it's him asking me.
- Let's say it's st. Peter.

Ricky: No no no, you go
in through the Gate.

Peter goes, "oh, you're expected.
He's got an appointment."

We're going through to God,
go through a few doors,

Go up, top floor,
past the executive washroom

Into his big office
that overlooks the universe.

Karl:
So what--?

So you've gone in to see God.
It's an audience with God.

You've died.
You've gone to heaven.

- Mm.
- And what would you like God

To say to you
at that point?

Um, probably just--
just say,

"oh, you've done well
and that in your life."

You never did anybody
any harm.

So welcome to the--
to heaven.

Any problems--
give us a shout.

Um, you know,
here's a little layout of--

Like, you know, like a little map.
It's kind of like--"

I love this.
This is a great answer.

My favorite one is "you never
did anybody any harm."

That's great. That's a brilliant
thing for God to say.

- Yeah. - So anyway, he's
given you a little map.

So he's given you a little
map of the area. It's big.

It'll say, "this is where
you go for this.

This is where
you go for that."

I'd probably ask him
about the ghost situation.

I'd say,
"am I now a ghost then?

Or is this just like another
planet that I've come onto?"

- Right. - I don't know
if he'd answer that.

I don't know if he'd be
sort of a bit--

- A bit cagey.
- Yeah.

A little bit like, "well, I don't
want to panic you and stuff."

I'd say, "right.

Is it right that I can see
past family and that?

'cause to be honest, I'd
probably prefer to stay away."

( laughs )

He doesn't even
want to--

- No, because the thing is--
- That's amazing.

I've done all that
in this life.

So it's about moving on
to another life

And meeting different
people, isn't it?

- Yeah, okay.
- Otherwise what's the point?

It's just like the same all over
again, but everywhere is white.

I mean, I don't know
if it is like that.

Do you think God would like
this podcast?

Um, well, I suppose

It just kills half an hour,
doesn't it?

Well yeah, but time's not
a problem for him, is it?

Yeah, it is, 'cause he lives for
ages so he needs loads of filler.

I bet he's, you know, doing
stuff that is just like,

"I'm not really into this,
but it's something to do."

Stephen:
Sudoku and stuff.

( Stephen and Ricky laughing )

But I think there will be just as many
problems up there as there is here

Because at least
people are leaving here,

Whereas up there--
that's the thing

That I'd be worried about the most,
actually-- that it's really crowded.

'cause it's years and years
of dead people, isn't it?

- ( snickering )
- London does me head in.

Up there it's gonna be

Well busier than that.

( dings )

What about teenagers?

And do you feel that life was
better in, say, the 1950s?

I don't know.
I wasn't around.

But you understand wh- um...
As like in- you've seen "Happy Days"?

I don't know.
People always say, don't they--?

Old people always say, "oh, it
was a better life in the '50s."

It's like, yeah, it was for them.
'course it was for them.

They're old now.
Being old isn't great, is it?

So you're just happy
with your lot.

I suppose I was
happiest in about 1984.

- What a specific year.
- Why? Why was that?

It's just I was free and happy.

How old--
how old were you?

I don't know.
Uh, let me see...

( muttering )

- Stephen: He's just counting
on his fingers. - I was 12.

- Right, okay.
- And it was just good.

So the happiest
days of your life

Were between the age
of 12 and 13.

Yeah, it was good.
I had the world ahead of me.

Ricky: Mm.

Little did you know your
hair was gonna fall out

And you were gonna whine
every minute of the day.

Karl: I had me bike.
I liked messing about with me bike.

I had me mates.
I had a pet magpie.

So you were probably the teenager
that you'd eventually hate.

Probably.

Were you a good lad,
law abiding?

I wasn't bad.

I just sort of, you know,
just pottered about.

I mean, when people talk about
what was on the telly back then,

I don't have that much memory
of it 'cause I was always out.

- I was always playing out.
- What were you doing when you were out?

Just playing about,
just like on a bike or--

Stephen: Just riding in
a circle endlessly...

- Karl: Oh yeah.
- ...Through blizzards...

- I loved it-- loved it.
- ...Rain, sleet, hail.

I never seemed to be in.
I was always--

When everyone always goes, "where were
you when band aid was happening?"

I was always out on me bike.
And everything was like-- - Like Ewan McGregor.

I have memories of always
coming in for some orange

And looking at the telly and seeing
princess Diana's getting married.

And me mom says,
"have you seen this?"

And I'm going "oh,
I'm going out on me bike."

I was always doing that.
It's the only time I was in the house.

This is why you don't know
anything-- 'cause you never stopped.

Yeah, but this is what being
a kid's about-- being free.

But all the information
you have, Karl,

Is as though you've gleaned it
as you raced by on a bike.

It's almost like, you know, every
piece of information you have--

Your hair-- your hair
blowing in the wind.

"Karl, your hair will
blow out one day."

"oh, don't talk
stupid, m."

It was easy.

So yeah, 12 to 13 was good.

- But you see-. - And it was all
downhill from then, was it?

13-- you're a teenager
then, aren't you?

- Life got tough. - Yeah?
How did it get tough?

Just straightaway when I was 13

Me mom was like,
you know,

"oh, it's your 13th birthday.
You're a teenager now."

And she gave us a quid to go and
get a cake to celebrate it.

Went to the supermarket,
got a cake,

And I just thought, "I don't
like the look of this.

Don't like the look of the
way the future is here."

( Stephen and Ricky
laughing )

On his 13th birthday.

While you were out buying a cake,
what did you see at the supermarket?

Just it was kind of like,
I don't know.

I suddenly felt grown-up
and I didn't like it.

But I think you were always about
50, eh, really, with your outlook?

Well, yeah.
Me mom always said I was old.

She said I was an old baby.

She said I could frown
before I could walk.

Said I always had a bit of a
worried look on me face.

Didn't say much,
just always listened.

Me eyes moved about
more than I did.

Just sat there
looking around,

Looking stressed.

( laughing ) "me eyes moved
around more than I did."

Oh, dear.
Couldn't walk.

"well, I can't walk, but I try and
get a bit of movement in my face."

It's a workout--
a baby workout.

All right, babies, if you can't
walk, what about your face?

Let your face
do the walking.

It sounds like
that horror film.

It sounds like
"Pilkington's baby,"

Just you lying there
in your cot.

I didn't like all the stuff
that's set up for you.

Like me mom tried
to send me to a nursery.

I said, "no, I'm not
having this."

( Ricky laughing ) just like
that-- "I'm not having this."

I said, "when I'm older and
I've got to go, I'll go.

But let's leave out this bit."
and she said, "all right."

I love the fact that
he could reason with her.

I love him.
He's three years old with a pipe.

She's going,
"you're going to the nursery."

He goes, "I think not, mom.
" ( exhales )

I mean, kids don't
play out, do they?

Kids-- you know, parents are
scared to let the kids play out

And that's why the streets
are dangerous now,

'cause no one's playing
out on the streets.

Whereas when I was a kid
everyone was out on the streets.

The streets were safer 'cause there
was more people knocking about.

- Stephen: Right.
- Let the kids play out.

It must be like a constant--
like a lowry painting--

His front gardens.
You know what I mean?

- Just loads of people just walking around.
- There was never any problems.

I was sort of taken away
by some fella.

- What?
- Whoa whoa whoa.

No, I was in-- I was playing
about in the garden.

- Yeah.
- But me dad's mate Tony--

He did tiling with him--
he drove past.

And he saw me looking
a bit fed up,

So he just leaned over, picked
me up, took me to the pub.

Now the thing is,
there wasn't panic.

People weren't going,
"oh God, where's Karl gone?"

- He's out. How old were you?
- He's down at the pub.

- ( Ricky laughing ) - He's four years old, yeah.
Well, he's only having half.

He's down at the pub with
Tony probably playing darts.

Yeah, I was about
three or four.

Sorry, so some bloke drives by who happens
to be a friend of your dad's, thinks,

"that baby looks grumpy.
I'm taking him down to the pub"?

But that--
that's what it was like.

"Tony, you bringing
a baby to the pub?"

"yeah, I might do."
"yeah, we'll bring in ours.

All right,
see you later, mate."

But that's what I'm saying.
Whereas now they go,

"the baby's gone!
" there's a big full-on panic going on.

But I think it says more about your
parents that they didn't do that.

They looked out in the back
garden and you were gone.

Some bloke's
driving off in a van.

They're just going, "oh, he
drove down to the pub."

"doesn't princess Dian
look lovely?"

- ( Ricky laughing )
- This is absurd.

So what happened
when you got in the pub?

I just was there
for a bit, and then--

"there for a bit"?
Just had a game of pool?

Then me dad came in.
He was like, "oh, there you are."

( laughing ) "oh, there you are.
" I love that.

Oh, where's my baby?
I'm just gonna have a quick pint.

Oh, there you are.
All right, mate.

So, uh, yeah. Well, I think
things are better again.

It's Karl's diary.

Oh, what's he written today?

"Told Suzanne that I had read"

That we will have spoken
to aliens by the year 2025.

Ricky once told me that if a
lion could speak English,

It still couldn't have
a good chat with us

'cause its life
is different to ours.

If that's true, we've got
no chance with an alien.

I'd be worried that an alien
could read my mind.

I had that problem
once years ago

When I worked in a studio
making cassettes.

Some mind-reading woman was
having some cassettes made.

She waited
while I did th.

She had a small dog.

I knew she was trying
to read my mind,

So I just thought
about the dog.

I thought that would
confuse her

'cause she wouldn't understand why
I was thinking about her dog."

That's amazing.

So, firstly, how'd you know
she was a mind-reading woman?

Everybody who came in
having cassettes done--

You'd find out about
what the job is.

So, you know, if it's a band,

Or whatever
it might be--

A police station needing blank
cassettes to interview people.

- Yeah.
- And she had them

To sort of use
during a thing

Where they do
mind-reading and stuff.

- So you'd get a recording of it.
- A recording of the--

And she was just there
and she was staring at me,

Just looking over.

And her dog was
sort of looking worried.

- And they pick up vibes, don't they?
- No.

- They do. Were they looking--
I'm not being funny--

Were they looking at the
roundness of your head?

, they were just looking at me.

And I was sort of
panicking a bit.

And the more I was thinking
she's reading me mind,

I was thinking, she knows that I
know that she's reading me mind,

So I just stopped thinking
about her reading me mind.

- Thought about the dog.
- Ricky: What were you thinking about the dog?

Just running about
on a beach.

( laughing ) he remembers
what he was thinking.

No, just so she thought,
"hang on a minute,

It's not his mind.
It's the dog's mind I'm picking up."

( laughing )

Oh, so you thought she'd go,
"oh no, hang on.

I'm getting all tangled up.
I've got a crossed line here."

( buzzes )

"I'm out with my mate Laurie."

He said he was in a pub
at the weekend and saw a bloke

Whose hands were
on the wrong arms."

( laughs ) no!

No.
What do you mean?

Well, "he had his left hand on his right arm
and the right hand on the left arm."

I don't think
this would be a problem

If he's been like that
from an early age.

When I was in Ripley's
in L.A.,

I saw a bloke whose head
was on back to front."

That's more annoying,
isn't it, than your hands?

- ( laughing )
- Isn't it?

Now then, would you walk--
how would you walk?

Would you be walking backwards,
Karl, so that you could walk--

So you're basically
walking forwards?

I'd walk sideways so nobody
would tell the difference.

( laughing )

Oh God.
He's solved it again.

- He's thought it through.
- ( Sighs )

"got home and read
the magazine.

There was a story about a baby that
was born that looked like a frog."

( laughs )
what magazine's this?

Uh, that made the news.

That was in a proper
newspaper in the end.

"it didn't really have a neck
or top half of its head.

It would look all right if it
always wore a scarf and a hat.

The world would be
a more interesting place

If there were loads of different types
of humans like there are creatures.

Then some people would be
good at certain jobs.

Spider people,
ant people-- builders.

Cockroach people--
dustbin men."

( Ricky laughing )

- Good idea, isn't it?
- I mean--

Cockroach men, spider men?
What are you talking about?

Look at some insects, right?
They don't have machinery.

Yet they're getting by,
aren't they?

They-- they have
their lives like we do.

They get up.
They wander about.

They collect food.
They tidy up.

They fix stuff.
They me their own house.

We can't do any of that.
So what I'm saying is

Why aren't we using them?

Why are these cockroaches with
all these powers and stuff...

- Powers.
- ...Keep going about?

- "all these powers." - But how could we use them?
How could we harness them?

I just told you--
dustbin men or whatever--

Stephen: But no, you've said
if they were also men.

If they were cockroach men,
we could use them.

Where's the-- where's--?
You've left a big bit out

About when that
1" cockroach

Becomes a 6' bloke
wearing a jacket.

It's just that we always use
insects for a bit of fun.

You see flea circuses and all
that, which is all very well,

But I don't think it's getting
the most out of them.

"woke up at 9:55 A.M."

Soon as I woke up,

I looked at Suzanne
and she looked at me.

I said, 'did I tell you
about the immune system?'"

( laughing )

"Suzanne started laughing.
I said, 'it's amazing.'

She said, 'not now.'"

( both laughing )

Oh God.
I'm just thinking that.

He's springing into action.
He zips up.

"did tell you about
the immune system?"

"oh, shut up, Karl.
Put the kettle on."

Oh God.
Oh, fucking hell.

Karl, let's give 'em
a list--

Top five something.
What are you interested in?

Are you interested in news, sport, t.
V., cars, movies, style?

I mean, I'm into weird stuff,

But it seems a bit tight
to stick 'em in a list.

What? Like what?

Like, you know, sort of
freaky people and that.

I've got that--
I've got that freak book.

But I don't know
if they'd be happy

If I call one of them up
and said, "good news.

You're at number one 'cause you
got four legs," or whatever.

I don't know--
do you know what I mean?

Okay then, this is

"the Karl Pilkington
top 5 freaks."

In at number five...

Um...

Probably, uh...

Something not too good
at number five,

But it's still
interesting--

Lighthouse man.

Ricky: Who's that?
What's lighthouse man?

Karl: It's a fellow with
a hole in his head.

( Ricky laughing )

And he--
what he does,

Rather than moan about it--
sticks a candle in it.

Shut up.
What you talking about?

What are you talking about?
Where is the hole?

I bet he didn't call himself
lighthouse man, did he?

Well, I don't know.
It's just what--

What he got nicknamed
'cause he had this hole.

Doctors were like,
"there's nothing we can do.

Can't fill it.
So what can we do with it?"

And it was of the days when there
was no electric and that.

You had to walk about
with a candle.

"so hang on a minute.
That's a candle holder here."

Stuck a candle in it.
And he just got nicknamed the lighthouse man.

So again, not--
it's not that amazing,

But I like the way he was
sort of energy efficient.

So was it in his forehead?

No, on the very top
of his head.

That's perfect.
You don't want it in the forehead.

You'd have to walk about
with your neck cricked.

So he was like a kind of
human Jack o' lantern?

- Yeah.
- He was a lighthouse man.

What better description do you
need than "The Lighthouse Man"?

So yeah, he's probably
at number five.

Wow, that's at
number five, Steve.

Stephen:
Number four.

What about the pig-faced
woman of Manchester Square?

Again, you're getting
what he says, don't you?

On the tin there,
aren't you?

It's just this woman
who had a face like a pig.

- And the rumor was...
- Yeah.

- ...That it wasn't a woman.
- ( Laughs )

Someone said it was a pet
bear and they'd shaved it.

( laughing ) oh God.

Was this someone-- was this someone
you saw or you just read about?

No no, this is going back.
This is years and years ago

When there was loads
of weird-looking people.

I mean, the fact that it's the
pig-faced woman of Manchester square

Says there might
have been one in...

- Stephen: Piccadilly circus?
- Yeah, whatever.

So there was a lot more of them
knocking about back then.

Let's assume
that it was a woman,

And the first one, you know, the
lighthouse fellow, he's a human--

Do you think
people would object

Because of their
disfigurement, deformity,

Um, to like being
called freaks?

Do you think--?

Well, it gave 'em
a purpose back then.

See, if you were
a freak years ago,

There was work for you.

You'd have these
circus things.

Now if you've got a funny
head, you're on the dole.

Number three?

What about
elephant man?

Stick him
at number three.

- He's number three.
- He's surely the most famous freak

Ever to have lived,
isn't he?

He's the one
who got me into it.

Right, yeah, Se.

He's a sort of entry-level
freak, a gateway k.

Everyone-- everyone
is aware of him.

If the elephant man
still existed, right,

And you got the
opportunity to meet him

And he walked --
a couple of questions.

One-- what would your
first reaction be?

And two-- what you say-- what
would your first question be?

How would I react?

Well, I've sort of seen him enough
now that it wouldn't shock me.

- So I don't even think I'd flinch.
- Stephen: Okay.

I mean, like I said,
when I first saw you,

That-- that was--
that was a bit weird.

But now look,
I can look at you.

I don't double-take
or anything.

Uh, what would I say
to him though? What--?

I'd probably say, "where did
you get that hat to fit you?

You always have
a hat on.

Where did you
get that from?"

( both laughing )

That sort of flat cap
that he's got?

Yeah yeah, that one.

So yeah, I'd have him--
so he's at number three.

Right, the elephant man
at number three.

I can't wait for two and one.
Right, okay, number two.

Well, I know what me number one is.
It's just number two now.

I don't know his name, but there's
a fellow knocking about--

I don't think he's around anymore.
But he had a normal body.

Looking at him, you'd go, "what's up with him?
He's not a freak."

Takes his undies off--
got two knobs.

Ricky: Has he?
Stephen: Right.

- ( Ricky laughing )
- Stephen: Wow, okay.

I mean, there's nowhere
to start.

Do you think he uses them
alternately,

Like, "I'll have a wee out of
this one, a wee out of that one"?

Or does he just like
spread the load

- So he's weeing out of both?
- I don't think he knows.

- What do you mean, he doesn't know?
- Like a lucky dip.

When he goes to a urinal, he can
have a little bet with himself.

He's just like, "I don't know
what's gonna happen here."

- Do you reckon he holds them both out?
- Definitely.

So he takes his trousers down
'cause I mean, you know--

- Yeah, he can't use a y-front.
- Right.

Need more like
a w-front.

Yeah, so he pops
his kecks down there.

I don't think it's
that much of a problem.

- It's not like--
- Well...

- ( Stephen laughs )
- I don't know.

I'd prefer that than
elephant man's head.

- Well, of course you would.
- Well, At's what I'm saying.

What if you had
elephant man's knob?

Yeah, but it didn't work
like that, did it?

That's the thing.
They said he had the body of an elephant,

But that's the only thing

That wasn't
of an elephant's standard.

- ( guffaws )
- His knob was normal.

Whereas with this fella,
it's the other way round.

Everything normal,
took the pants off,

"oh wow,
what's going on here?"

But why would you ever
take his pants off?

Well, I wouldn't.
I'm just saying if--

I don't know why
you'd be in a situation

With this man with two knobs
standing there with his pants on

And you go, "pop your pants off.
" you're not a doctor.

No, say if I'm waiting in
a cubicle and he's there.

- For what? - So you're in
a cubicle and he comes in?

I'm waiting to have a wee
in that cubicle.

- Ricky: Oh, in the toilet.
- He's taking two urinals up.

I'm going, "you don't
need them both, do you?"

He goes, "well, actually,
have a look at this."

- Ricky: Right.
- He's got two knobs.

See, I didn't see him
at two urinals.

I saw him at one,
maybe them pointing inwards.

If you had that and, say, the
first time that you met Suzanne,

Would you mention that
straight up?

Would you say, "right,
before this goes any further,

I've got something
to show you"?

Tell me exactly
what you would say.

...

You had a normal head then,
didn't you?

I had-- I had
the same head, yeah.

Yeah, but it had hair
coming out of it, didn't it?

Yeah, but she also had a
smaller ass back then as well.

So I think we've both
been dumb.

Anyway, we need to get
to number one.

Yeah, number one.
It's pillow man.

- Ricky: Oh yeah.
- Stephen: Pillow man, okay.

Now explain for those
that don't know who he was.

He's-- he's a fella

With no arms and legs.

Just a head and a little body,
nicknamed "pillow man."

Well, why is he your favorite?

Just because he's amazing,

Just the way he just
got on with his life.

He used to light a cig
just using his lips

- And his tongue and that.
- Ricky: I've seen this.

And not fully lit.
He'd buy roll-your-own.

Yeah, it's in the film
"Freaks," isn't it?

- Yeah.
- And he would roll--

- He had to shave as well.
- Yeah, that's right, yeah.

- How did he have a shave?
- He used to do it--

He used to get it in his
mouth and-- I don't know.

- Jesus.
- It's amazing.

Did he have--
did he have a knob?

I think he did,
'cause he had some kids.

- What?
- Yeah, he had kids.

He was
an all-right-looking fella.

- He wasn't odd-looking.
- Ricky: Sorry?

He looked like
Samuel l. Jackson.

Imagine him
with no arms and legs.

Right, that's odd though,
isn't it?

Um, it's weird, but you've
gotta give it to him.

You know, I mean, he's there rolling
his own-- he's pretty cool-looking.

I just wanna say to people--
you say it looks cool,

You know, with no arms
and no legs to smoke.

But don't forget that smoking
can stunt your growth.

Yeah.
But, uh...

Yeah, remember he was
on like this--

This circus freak show thing

With a bearded woman,
right?

She isn't really a freak, 'cause
she could have had a shave.

Have a shave-- you're not a freak anymore.
A bearded woman--

Compared to a fellow who's got no
arms and legs, a bearded woman--

- Get out.
- ( Laughing )

But there was--
there was a fellow

With no bottom half to his body

Called-- Johnny Eck
was his name.

( sighing )

So, you know, when you're
knocking about with that crowd...

"get out."

...You're gonna
get a bit.

So yeah, he had kids

And they were all normal kids.
They had all their limbs.

And did his wife
have arms and legs?

- Never saw his wife.
- Never saw his wife?

He was probably ashamed of her.
She was a bit of a freak.

For someone like him, you'd think
he'd just give up, wouldn't you?

You'd think, "forget it.
What sort of life is it?"

- Yeah. - I'm like a
Mexican jumping Bean.

- ( laughing )
- It's not worth living.

But he just got on
with it.

I mean, to have a shave-- I don't
even bother having a shave some days.

No no, nor did the bearded lady.
Lazy fucking bitch.

So that's why I've put him
at me number-one position.

It's just amazing,
isn't it, the human--

You know, how whatever
you're dealt,

- Some people just get on with it.
- Yeah.

So yeah, the pillow man.

Or draft excluder,
as I prefer to call him.

( laughs ) there you go.

Oh.

Now me and Steve are
a couple of big shots.

We do this for a laugh. But this is Karl
Pilkington's only source of income.

This is what you do now,
isn't it?

This is
me full-time job, yeah.

What do you think of that?

- It depresses me.
- Why?

- This isn't what I ever wanted.
- ( Laughing )

'cause I haven't got
a purpose, have I?

I'm sat here talking
about the pillow man.

If it weren't for him,
I'd have nothing to say.

It just depresses me
I just wish I had a job

Where I felt
like I was needed.

And I don't
feel needed.

- It's not a proper job.
- Need you.

- We need you.
- We need you for money for old rope.

I know, but this isn't--
I wanted something that,

You know, when you get--
when you die and that,

You know, you get up
to the gates, whatever,

And they say,
"what have you done?"

And then
I'm looking worried,

Thinking,
"is the pillow man about?"