The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 5, Episode 9 - Terminal Stimpy/Reverend Jack - full transcript
( groaning )
What a night.
I feel like I got
hit like a bus.
Funny you say that.
According to the obituaries,
you were !
You know, you oughtta
be more careful.
All this dying might
be bad for your health.
Not to worry,
Ren, I'm a cat.
I got nine lives.
Nine, huh ?
You been keeping count ?
Hmm, good question.
Let's see now.
There was that really
cold night when I...
fell asleep under
the hood of your car.
( teeth chattering )
( screeching )
Then there was that
silly little incident
down Mexico way.
Ready ?
Aim.
Señor, you drooped
your el hat-O.
I'll get it for you.
Fire !
( gunshots )
Oh, here's one.
Remember that time I
got hit by lightning ?
How 'bout that time you
took care of those
gambling debts for me ?
And don't forget our
trip to the amazon.
Oh, yeah, and that day you
went out with the wet hair
during the blizzard
of '69.
( honking )
So let's see,
that makes, umm...
hmm, uh, uh-- 6012 !
That's seven,
you fathead.
Yeah, seven !
I got news for you, pal.
You've only got
two lives left,
and if you buy the farm,
that means I gotta
do all the chores.
We don't want that,
now do we ?
Now be an imbecile
and go light the furnace,
so I can go
take my bath.
( door creaking )
Eh, valve's stuck.
This oughtta do it.
Ah, that's better.
Man, this airline food
goes right through you.
Well, that's eight.
You only got
one life left.
( Stimpy )
Only one life to live.
What have I got left,
80, 90 years ?
I gotta be careful.
Sudden instant death lurks
around every corner.
Germs, bacteria, buses,
pink chicken, ex-girlfriends !
Ren !!!
What are you
trying to do ?
You can't eat out
of the trash.
There's germs
everywhere !
I could get
a disease !
What are you
talking about ?
This sandwich is fresh.
I just made
it last week.
Get a grip, man.
Everybody has to cash in
their chips sooner or later.
You've just got to
learn to accept it.
( echoing )
Accept it... accept it...
accept it...
top of the morning,
old paint.
Hey, uh, Stimpy,
you forgot my toast.
Toast ?!
Here's your toast !
How do you like
your coffee, Ren ?
B-b-b-black ?
( Stimpy )
I am not dying.
I am not going to die.
I am not dying.
I am not going to die.
I am not dying.
I am not going die.
Hmm... mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm...
come on, man !
What do I get ?
What do I get ?
Well, Ren, you get
the armoire, ottoman,
hassock, curio cabinet,
the duvet, the divan,
the davenport,
and the Hepplewhite.
Wait a minute,
what about the chifforobe ?
Well, if you want
the chifforobe,
you have to trade me
the hassock and
the ottoman for it.
What do you mean, man ?
I called dibs on
the chifforobe.
Hmm...
tell you what, how about
you give me the armoire,
the Hepplewhite,
and $12 ?
$12 ?
How about I give you
the armoire, the Hepplewhite,
and a shot in
the mouth ?
Deal !
( slurring )
Hey, daisy, pour me
a double buttermilk
with a chocolate chaser,
and be quick about it.
Hey, milk-keep.
Haven't you had enough ?!
Moo !
C'mon, be a pal.
All right, all right,
just quit whining !
Moo.
Yeah, leave the bag.
( birds chirping )
( car crash )
( groaning )
Mister, are you okay ?
I'm dying, you idiot.
Hold on, little buddy,
you're gonna be just fine.
Somebody call a doctor !
Hey, kid.
Do me a favor.
Here's a picture
of my wife.
Tell her I love her
and I'll be late for dinner.
Do me another favor,
would you, kid ?
Pick up my prom dress
at the dry cleaner.
Listen, kid !
You gotta do me a favor.
Sure, anything.
Skip me one last time.
I'd like to go
out... bouncing.
Ah, he went
with dignity.
D-do me a f-favor,
w-Would you ?
Oh, Ren, I'm home.
And just where
have you been ?
I was up all night,
sleeping like a baby,
worrying about you !
I've just been on a perilous
journey down the treacherous
carcass-strewn
avenue of despair.
You know what, Ren ?
I looked death
right in the eye,
and it smelled like cheap
cigars and stinky fish.
You see, Ren,
life is like a bowling alley.
Oh, you make some strikes.
If you're lucky,
a couple of spares,
and nobody knows how
to keep score.
But in the end,
you gotta rent ill-fitting
smelly shoes that squeak.
In other words,
say you're on a southbound
train outta Chicago,
heading to rapid city,
traveling at 50 miles an hour.
Stop !
( crying )
You're tearing
my heart out.
I see it all now.
You've shown
me the light.
We don't have to
fear death because...
( both )
Death is life's
great reward.
Wait here.
Let's celebrate the first
day of our eventual demise.
I'll light the candle.
( lighter clicking )
Welcome,
Mr. Hoek and Mr. Cat.
Hmm, tsk, tsk, tsk.
These records don't
look very good.
Gosh, y'know, I'd really
like to help you out.
( whispering )
Ah, perhaps we
could persuade you ?
Money's no good here.
I'll tell you what we
could use, though.
A divan, an ottoman,
a chifforobe, an armoire,
a Hepplewhite, a footstool,
a Hummel hutch, a cossack,
a bidet, brass
hand irons...
Wow, Stimpy, driving this
meat truck is the best job
we've ever had.
We get to bring lots of swell
meat to the boys and girls,
like my personal favorite,
the double-dipped
pig's head on a stick.
Mmm...
yeah, but best of all,
we get to work with
the great genius,
reverend jack cheese,
famed creator of
the cheese dog.
And the first man to
put his meat on the moon.
Hey, Stimpy, it's time
to put on the record.
Duh, okay, Ren.
The meat man !
The meat man !
The blessed reverend
is here, mom.
We want meat !
( Ren )
Well, that
sets the hook.
Time to reel them in.
( kids shouting )
Pushing meat-fume
button, Ren.
Look at them
gasp for air.
How cute !
Hey, we better check
on the reverend.
Checking.
Uh, jack, Mr. Cheese,
sir, your meatiness ?
The children are
assembled for the show.
( grunts )
Hey, where's
my screw-on thumb ?
( panting )
Here it is,
your genius-ness.
Gather round, children,
for I preach the gospel of meat.
That's our cue,
get the meat puppets.
Now, back before time began,
man lived in harmony
with his meat.
They were one
big happy family.
Hello, there, Mr. Cow.
How are you today ?
Duh, moo, Ren.
But this blissful
coexistence wouldn't last,
for soon the cow would
show its true udders.
In reality, this once-trusted,
behooved friend to man,
turned out to
be a bloodthirsty,
two-horned devil !
What ? Moo.
And soon roving packs of angry
cows terrorized the countryside.
And then the murderous
heifer turned on... man !
It was them or us !
The evil cow would
stop at nothing !
Go back to Chicago,
you ugly, hooknosed swede !
Moo.
And behold, there stands
the fallen Angus now.
Be gone, bovine Judas, and
never cross my hibachi again !
Who wants meat treats ?
I do, I do, I do !
Me first !
One squirrel
swirl, please.
Aye-aye, chipper.
One squirrel swirl,
enjoy !
Yay !
I got a soft-serve
meat cone.
I got push-up meat.
Yes, children, yes.
Celebrate man's
victory over meat.
And don't forget, visit
your local steak house.
( Stimpy )
48, 49, 50 !
12 shekels, four bottle caps,
three paperclips, and a comb.
The children gave
generously today, Ren.
The reverend will
be pleased.
Hey, he should almost
be done by now.
Better go check.
Are you scorched
enough, sir ?
I need more sauce,
baste me.
That's not how you
do it, gimme that !
Well, what are you
standing around for ?
It's time to start
the ceremony.
Get my horniest-
rimmed glasses !
Tease my tricolored
meat wig !
Iron my shirts !
Dye my eyebrows.
Now shave my big,
bulbous toe.
And what's
with my butt ?
It's not flat and
square enough !
( crowd cheering )
( announcer )
And it's the top of the ninth,
we got a tie ball game.
And stepping up to the plate
is left fielder johnny paulsky.
Here's the windup and the--
wait, wait a second.
There's a crazed
fan on the field.
Whoa, he's stealing
third base !
Boy, the popes could
really use that kind of speed
at the top of their lineup.
Somebody oughtta
sign this guy.
Shove.
Your butt worries
are over, reverend.
Ah !
Now that's what
a butt should look like !
Now I'm ready for my
skin hat and my meat robe.
Bringeth the ice !
We are gathered here today
to pay homage to meat.
I'm talking
about knockwurst !
This is perfectly
good ♪ lunchmeat ♪
( Ren )
♪ I'm sure you want
to waste it like that ♪
daddy, I love you.
Ah !
Wake up,
I've had a vision !
My father said they're
out to get me !
He said it's time for
me to learn to drive !
Here he comes !
Here comes the meat wagon.
Yay !
Oh, shoot, you rat.
Uh, reverend, I think you
drove right past those kids.
Keep driving
and don't stop.
Criminy,
we'll all be killed.
Stimpy, I've been
driving forever.
The meat's going bad,
and we haven't put on
a single show in months.
Go back there and see
what he's doing.
Okey dokey, Ren.
( clearing throat )
Excuse me, reverend.
( screaming )
Did you bring
the toast ?
Uh, we were wondering--
why don't you have
a seat in my office ?
Go ahead,
put on a record.
♪ I gave my love
a chicken... ♪
oh, listen to that.
Uh, your holiness ?
The thing is,
it's been months now,
and we were sort of thinking
that we could put on a show
with the children,
and that you--
( sobbing )
Beautiful !
It brings tears
to my eyes.
I think it's time we
put on another show.
The children need
their meat puppets.
Children ?
This isn't about
the children.
This is about the meat !
Mortadella, prosciutto,
little hot smoked wings
with extra sauce !
( siren )
Cripes, it's
the highway meat patrol !
What seems to be
the trouble, ociffer ?
Trouble ?
Well, for starters, you got
midgets stuck to your grill,
and hauling this gas pump
around isn't a pretty sight.
Now step aside.
Let me see what's going on
in the back of this truck.
( gasping )
Oh, the humanity !
( babbling )
You'll never serve meat
in this town again !
You're washed up,
the show's over !
Hand over your meat
confectioner's license !
You'll never
take me alive !
I'll be back !
You'll beg me !
( laughing )
Hello there, Mr. Cow.
Duh, moo, Ren.
Heh, heh, little tykes
are cuter than ever.
Go back to Chicago,
you ugly, hooknosed swedes !
So how are you doing
today, Mr. Cow ?
Oww !
Duh, moo,
I am fine, Ren.
Oww !
What a night.
I feel like I got
hit like a bus.
Funny you say that.
According to the obituaries,
you were !
You know, you oughtta
be more careful.
All this dying might
be bad for your health.
Not to worry,
Ren, I'm a cat.
I got nine lives.
Nine, huh ?
You been keeping count ?
Hmm, good question.
Let's see now.
There was that really
cold night when I...
fell asleep under
the hood of your car.
( teeth chattering )
( screeching )
Then there was that
silly little incident
down Mexico way.
Ready ?
Aim.
Señor, you drooped
your el hat-O.
I'll get it for you.
Fire !
( gunshots )
Oh, here's one.
Remember that time I
got hit by lightning ?
How 'bout that time you
took care of those
gambling debts for me ?
And don't forget our
trip to the amazon.
Oh, yeah, and that day you
went out with the wet hair
during the blizzard
of '69.
( honking )
So let's see,
that makes, umm...
hmm, uh, uh-- 6012 !
That's seven,
you fathead.
Yeah, seven !
I got news for you, pal.
You've only got
two lives left,
and if you buy the farm,
that means I gotta
do all the chores.
We don't want that,
now do we ?
Now be an imbecile
and go light the furnace,
so I can go
take my bath.
( door creaking )
Eh, valve's stuck.
This oughtta do it.
Ah, that's better.
Man, this airline food
goes right through you.
Well, that's eight.
You only got
one life left.
( Stimpy )
Only one life to live.
What have I got left,
80, 90 years ?
I gotta be careful.
Sudden instant death lurks
around every corner.
Germs, bacteria, buses,
pink chicken, ex-girlfriends !
Ren !!!
What are you
trying to do ?
You can't eat out
of the trash.
There's germs
everywhere !
I could get
a disease !
What are you
talking about ?
This sandwich is fresh.
I just made
it last week.
Get a grip, man.
Everybody has to cash in
their chips sooner or later.
You've just got to
learn to accept it.
( echoing )
Accept it... accept it...
accept it...
top of the morning,
old paint.
Hey, uh, Stimpy,
you forgot my toast.
Toast ?!
Here's your toast !
How do you like
your coffee, Ren ?
B-b-b-black ?
( Stimpy )
I am not dying.
I am not going to die.
I am not dying.
I am not going to die.
I am not dying.
I am not going die.
Hmm... mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm...
come on, man !
What do I get ?
What do I get ?
Well, Ren, you get
the armoire, ottoman,
hassock, curio cabinet,
the duvet, the divan,
the davenport,
and the Hepplewhite.
Wait a minute,
what about the chifforobe ?
Well, if you want
the chifforobe,
you have to trade me
the hassock and
the ottoman for it.
What do you mean, man ?
I called dibs on
the chifforobe.
Hmm...
tell you what, how about
you give me the armoire,
the Hepplewhite,
and $12 ?
$12 ?
How about I give you
the armoire, the Hepplewhite,
and a shot in
the mouth ?
Deal !
( slurring )
Hey, daisy, pour me
a double buttermilk
with a chocolate chaser,
and be quick about it.
Hey, milk-keep.
Haven't you had enough ?!
Moo !
C'mon, be a pal.
All right, all right,
just quit whining !
Moo.
Yeah, leave the bag.
( birds chirping )
( car crash )
( groaning )
Mister, are you okay ?
I'm dying, you idiot.
Hold on, little buddy,
you're gonna be just fine.
Somebody call a doctor !
Hey, kid.
Do me a favor.
Here's a picture
of my wife.
Tell her I love her
and I'll be late for dinner.
Do me another favor,
would you, kid ?
Pick up my prom dress
at the dry cleaner.
Listen, kid !
You gotta do me a favor.
Sure, anything.
Skip me one last time.
I'd like to go
out... bouncing.
Ah, he went
with dignity.
D-do me a f-favor,
w-Would you ?
Oh, Ren, I'm home.
And just where
have you been ?
I was up all night,
sleeping like a baby,
worrying about you !
I've just been on a perilous
journey down the treacherous
carcass-strewn
avenue of despair.
You know what, Ren ?
I looked death
right in the eye,
and it smelled like cheap
cigars and stinky fish.
You see, Ren,
life is like a bowling alley.
Oh, you make some strikes.
If you're lucky,
a couple of spares,
and nobody knows how
to keep score.
But in the end,
you gotta rent ill-fitting
smelly shoes that squeak.
In other words,
say you're on a southbound
train outta Chicago,
heading to rapid city,
traveling at 50 miles an hour.
Stop !
( crying )
You're tearing
my heart out.
I see it all now.
You've shown
me the light.
We don't have to
fear death because...
( both )
Death is life's
great reward.
Wait here.
Let's celebrate the first
day of our eventual demise.
I'll light the candle.
( lighter clicking )
Welcome,
Mr. Hoek and Mr. Cat.
Hmm, tsk, tsk, tsk.
These records don't
look very good.
Gosh, y'know, I'd really
like to help you out.
( whispering )
Ah, perhaps we
could persuade you ?
Money's no good here.
I'll tell you what we
could use, though.
A divan, an ottoman,
a chifforobe, an armoire,
a Hepplewhite, a footstool,
a Hummel hutch, a cossack,
a bidet, brass
hand irons...
Wow, Stimpy, driving this
meat truck is the best job
we've ever had.
We get to bring lots of swell
meat to the boys and girls,
like my personal favorite,
the double-dipped
pig's head on a stick.
Mmm...
yeah, but best of all,
we get to work with
the great genius,
reverend jack cheese,
famed creator of
the cheese dog.
And the first man to
put his meat on the moon.
Hey, Stimpy, it's time
to put on the record.
Duh, okay, Ren.
The meat man !
The meat man !
The blessed reverend
is here, mom.
We want meat !
( Ren )
Well, that
sets the hook.
Time to reel them in.
( kids shouting )
Pushing meat-fume
button, Ren.
Look at them
gasp for air.
How cute !
Hey, we better check
on the reverend.
Checking.
Uh, jack, Mr. Cheese,
sir, your meatiness ?
The children are
assembled for the show.
( grunts )
Hey, where's
my screw-on thumb ?
( panting )
Here it is,
your genius-ness.
Gather round, children,
for I preach the gospel of meat.
That's our cue,
get the meat puppets.
Now, back before time began,
man lived in harmony
with his meat.
They were one
big happy family.
Hello, there, Mr. Cow.
How are you today ?
Duh, moo, Ren.
But this blissful
coexistence wouldn't last,
for soon the cow would
show its true udders.
In reality, this once-trusted,
behooved friend to man,
turned out to
be a bloodthirsty,
two-horned devil !
What ? Moo.
And soon roving packs of angry
cows terrorized the countryside.
And then the murderous
heifer turned on... man !
It was them or us !
The evil cow would
stop at nothing !
Go back to Chicago,
you ugly, hooknosed swede !
Moo.
And behold, there stands
the fallen Angus now.
Be gone, bovine Judas, and
never cross my hibachi again !
Who wants meat treats ?
I do, I do, I do !
Me first !
One squirrel
swirl, please.
Aye-aye, chipper.
One squirrel swirl,
enjoy !
Yay !
I got a soft-serve
meat cone.
I got push-up meat.
Yes, children, yes.
Celebrate man's
victory over meat.
And don't forget, visit
your local steak house.
( Stimpy )
48, 49, 50 !
12 shekels, four bottle caps,
three paperclips, and a comb.
The children gave
generously today, Ren.
The reverend will
be pleased.
Hey, he should almost
be done by now.
Better go check.
Are you scorched
enough, sir ?
I need more sauce,
baste me.
That's not how you
do it, gimme that !
Well, what are you
standing around for ?
It's time to start
the ceremony.
Get my horniest-
rimmed glasses !
Tease my tricolored
meat wig !
Iron my shirts !
Dye my eyebrows.
Now shave my big,
bulbous toe.
And what's
with my butt ?
It's not flat and
square enough !
( crowd cheering )
( announcer )
And it's the top of the ninth,
we got a tie ball game.
And stepping up to the plate
is left fielder johnny paulsky.
Here's the windup and the--
wait, wait a second.
There's a crazed
fan on the field.
Whoa, he's stealing
third base !
Boy, the popes could
really use that kind of speed
at the top of their lineup.
Somebody oughtta
sign this guy.
Shove.
Your butt worries
are over, reverend.
Ah !
Now that's what
a butt should look like !
Now I'm ready for my
skin hat and my meat robe.
Bringeth the ice !
We are gathered here today
to pay homage to meat.
I'm talking
about knockwurst !
This is perfectly
good ♪ lunchmeat ♪
( Ren )
♪ I'm sure you want
to waste it like that ♪
daddy, I love you.
Ah !
Wake up,
I've had a vision !
My father said they're
out to get me !
He said it's time for
me to learn to drive !
Here he comes !
Here comes the meat wagon.
Yay !
Oh, shoot, you rat.
Uh, reverend, I think you
drove right past those kids.
Keep driving
and don't stop.
Criminy,
we'll all be killed.
Stimpy, I've been
driving forever.
The meat's going bad,
and we haven't put on
a single show in months.
Go back there and see
what he's doing.
Okey dokey, Ren.
( clearing throat )
Excuse me, reverend.
( screaming )
Did you bring
the toast ?
Uh, we were wondering--
why don't you have
a seat in my office ?
Go ahead,
put on a record.
♪ I gave my love
a chicken... ♪
oh, listen to that.
Uh, your holiness ?
The thing is,
it's been months now,
and we were sort of thinking
that we could put on a show
with the children,
and that you--
( sobbing )
Beautiful !
It brings tears
to my eyes.
I think it's time we
put on another show.
The children need
their meat puppets.
Children ?
This isn't about
the children.
This is about the meat !
Mortadella, prosciutto,
little hot smoked wings
with extra sauce !
( siren )
Cripes, it's
the highway meat patrol !
What seems to be
the trouble, ociffer ?
Trouble ?
Well, for starters, you got
midgets stuck to your grill,
and hauling this gas pump
around isn't a pretty sight.
Now step aside.
Let me see what's going on
in the back of this truck.
( gasping )
Oh, the humanity !
( babbling )
You'll never serve meat
in this town again !
You're washed up,
the show's over !
Hand over your meat
confectioner's license !
You'll never
take me alive !
I'll be back !
You'll beg me !
( laughing )
Hello there, Mr. Cow.
Duh, moo, Ren.
Heh, heh, little tykes
are cuter than ever.
Go back to Chicago,
you ugly, hooknosed swedes !
So how are you doing
today, Mr. Cow ?
Oww !
Duh, moo,
I am fine, Ren.
Oww !