The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 5, Episode 7 - School Mates/Dinner Party - full transcript
( children singing
Frere Jacques )
Knit one, purl two.
Knit three,
pearl Bailey.
( ring )
Hello ?
Chuck ?
Why, you old dog !
I haven't seen you
in forever.
What, you're
on your way over ?
Great, catch you
in a few, ciao !
That was my old fraternity
brother, chuck.
He's coming by for a visit.
Won't that be nice ?
Coming by for a visit ?
Kee-ripes !
( honk )
Lookie, Ren, I finished
your cheerleader outfit.
Try it on.
I-- I-- I can't let chuck
see me like this !
( knock knock knock )
I'll get it, coming !
Oh, no, you don't.
Ta Da !
Start the party,
chuckie boy's here.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh !
Hoek, you old dog !
Hey, buddy,
how about that old
frat handshake ?
♪ Omega delta phi,
omega delta phi ♪
♪ heigh-ho in the Derry-o,
omega delta phi ♪
woo-hoo-hoo !
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo !
Woo hoo hoo !
Hey, uh, Hoek...
you're gettin' kind of, uh...
dandy in your old age.
Hey, it's a cat !
Let's get 'im !
( barking )
( chomp )
Aww haw haw haw haw !
Aw, geez, did you see
that cat run ?
Eh, uh, actually,
that cat is Stimpy,
my roommate and best pal
in the whole world.
Hmm, that really
makes me want to puke !
Not only are you livin'
the domesticated lifestyle,
but with a cat, no less.
And not much of a cat,
at that.
I think you've lost
your canine instinct.
It-- it's not true,
I tell you.
Why, I'm just as much
of a mangy, flea-bitten,
butt-Sniffing hound
as I ever was !
Oh, yeah ?
Prove it !
Chase the cat.
Hmm, we better fix
him up a bit first.
There.
Now that's a cat.
You wait here
for a few seconds,
then knock.
Got that, fur-butt ?
Yes, sir.
What are you ?
I-- I'm a dog.
What are you ?
I'm a dog.
What do you chase ?
Cats !
And what do you chase ?
Cats, cats, cats !
( barking & hooting )
( knock on door )
( sweet voices )
Who is it ?
It-- it's the cat.
Any vicious dogs in there ?
No, just us... mad dogs !
Aah !
( barking )
( chomp )
I'm running out
of buttocks up here.
Yeah, it's just like
old times, eh, Hoek ?
What do you say
you and me go out
and paint the town yellow ?
( barking )
Yaah !
Man, what a day.
What else could go wrong ?
( barking )
Here you go, pal,
be my guest !
Thanks, pal.
( barking )
Come on, man, hurry up,
gimme your best shot !
Whoo !
( giggling )
( ticking )
I sure hope
the boys are all right.
( door opens )
Ren, you're home !
♪ Omega delta phi,
omega delta phi ♪
♪ heigh-ho the Derry-o ♪
♪ omega delta phi ♪
oh, Ren, I was so
worried about--
hey, it's that cat.
( growling )
Yaah !
( barking )
Hey, look at this.
It's our old college yearbook.
Those were the days,
hey, Hoek ?
They sure were.
Hey, here's you, flyspeck.
"Ren is president of
the flower arranging corps,
"captain of the underwater
chess team,
and treasurer of
the spelunker-ers' club."
Wow, what a winner.
( laughter )
Boy, Ren, you were
a jenny-wine loser !
Ha ha ! Yeah,
an authentic reject.
Hey, let's play a game.
Ooh-Ooh-ooh-ooh !
What ?
It's a cat, kill it !
Ooh-Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh !
Go, go, go,
kill, kill, kill !
Kill, kill, kill,
kill, kill, kill, kill.
Aah, aah, no, let go !
No, aah, aah !
Aah !
Well, boys, I'm off to work.
See you in about eight hours.
Play nice.
Gee, uh,
what'll we do all day ?
Well, I'm home.
I sure hope you boys--
what the--
hiya, Ren.
How's the boy ?
We've been watching
bloody sporting events,
and playing
manly punching games
designed to inflict
horrible bruises !
( throbbing )
Hey, stimp, come on, pal.
We've gotta
get out of here
before all the public
restrooms close.
Goodbye, renny,
we're going carousing.
But--
but what about me ?
Oh, yeah, we left a few
dirty dishes in the kitchen.
Take care of those, will ya ?
Boy, that chuck is always
the life of the party.
Just like back in college.
Those were the days...
I remember the first time
I met my frat brother.
There was all
that late-night cramming.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha !
And the time we spent
on the football field.
Oh, uh, spit boy.
Here, your football
hero-Ness, sir !
( hawking )
Ptooey !
And then there was the night
of the harvest
homecoming dance.
I had purchased the most
lovely sausage I could afford.
And what was to be
the best night of my life
turned out to be the worst.
Hey, flyspeck !
Don't, uh, wait up for us.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha !
Who am I kidding ?
I was a pathetic loser !
An insignificant flyspeck.
And that's all I'll ever be.
( sobbing )
( door closes )
Stimpy ?
Is that you--
( sniffing )
Buddy ?
♪ Omega delta phi,
omega delta phi ♪
♪ heigh ho, the dairy-o ♪
♪ omega delta phi ♪
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh !
Hi, Ren !
We drank toilet water,
and I liked it !
That's nice.
Yeah, and we could do
with a root beer chaser.
So hop to it.
In a flash.
Hurry back, Ren,
so you can play
the manly games with us.
Ah, forget him, Stimpy.
He is a bum.
He always was a bum,
he continues to be a bum,
and he always
will be a bum.
Come on, let's watch some
more full-contact croquet.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh !
Psst, hey, pouty face.
We're gonna watch violent acts
of sportsmanship now.
No, thanks,
I'll just wait here
'til I die.
( sobbing )
Hmm, I know !
Oh, Ren...
it's the cat.
Let's get him !
Thanks, Stimpy.
You always know just
how to cheer me up.
Oh, pshaw.
Then we're pals again ?
( grrr )
( chomp )
Friends to the end, Ren.
Friends to the end.
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo !
Hello, I'm Ren Hoek,
master of etiquette.
And welcome
to my dinner party.
Today, we will learn
the proper etiquette
one needs to know
when throwing
a successful dinner party.
But a host cannot do all
the preparation by himself.
He needs good, cheap help.
Such is my loyal and
repugnant houseboy, Stimpy.
Duh...
the most important thing
in throwing a dinner party
is to choose your guests
from the cream of society.
Duh...
duh, you are cordially
invited to a-- ouch !
Say !
Duh...
( sniff sniff )
Ah, my faithful idiot
is preparing the repast
for tonight's guests.
Duh, soup.
( snort )
Okey-dokey !
( horns honking )
( ship horn )
( crash )
Oop, better check the makeup.
A smart host
keeps a mirror nearby,
to check his appearance.
Aah !
I'll have it out in a minute.
( poink )
Allow me.
Hey,
that's cool, cat, cool.
When greeting guests, always
remember to announce them.
Announcing the honorable
professor fly,
and his lovely escort,
miss rancid meat.
Announcing general lummox.
( belch )
Ambassador salesman.
Sir duke of chicken.
Prince mudskipper
and his lovely wife
gorgo.
( grunting )
The second thing to remember
when greeting guests
is to honor them
with a sweaty handshake.
I've found Turkish
weight lifters
work perfectly
for sweaty palms.
Thank you !
Announcing
sir Scotsman of Spain.
( bagpipe music )
Ooh, that's a manly
handshake ye got there !
It's got a great,
huge stench to it, too.
Once the guests
are seated,
the soup is served
as a starter.
Dear lord, let us not swim
30 minutes after dinner.
And please,
bless our intestines.
Amen.
It is up to the host
to keep the conversation
at the table
lively and interesting.
Flattery works well
to loosen up
even the most reluctant
conversationalist.
( roaring )
Why, emperor baboon,
your butt looks
awfully inflamed today.
Huh ?
Huh ?
( girlish giggle )
And finally,
the main course is served:
highly glazed sheep liver,
with dusty wig stuffing.
Ooh !
Ooh !
Ah !
Bon apppetit !
( clatter )
( belch )
Ah, there's nothing more
gratifying to a host
than the beautiful call
of a satisfied belly.
( retching )
Our friend powdered
toast man, here,
doesn't remember
that it's better
to burp and bear the shame,
than to hold it in
and bear the pain.
It's okay,
go ahead and cut loose.
It's perfectly acceptable
etiquette.
No, mustn't.
It's bad... manners.
Oh, well.
When will they learn
to listen to the master
of etiquette ?
And now, shall we
help our guests
cleanse their palettes ?
Oh, Stimpson.
And now we engage in the old
Scandinavian tradition,
where the men retreat
for cigars and parlor games.
( vomiting )
While the lady folks
venture to the tea parlor
so they can have
their shins shined...
and have their bunions
shellacked.
Clean !
After several hours,
even good friends can wear
awfully thin on your nerves.
When ending a party,
one should drop subtle
but direct hints.
All right, bongo,
that's enough.
( groaning )
♪ When a body rolls a body
goin' out the door ♪
hey, what are you people
doing in my house ?
What'll we do ?
The owners of the house
are here.
Whatever shall we do ?
It's the fly !
He made us do it !
Oh, no, back off, I tell you,
or the steak gets it !
When confronted
with lingering party guests,
remember, the old
"we're throwing a party
in a house that doesn't belong
to us" trick always works.
And be sure to have
plenty of cash on hand
to pay off accomplices.
Shut up and pay up,
Hoek.
( laughing )
Frere Jacques )
Knit one, purl two.
Knit three,
pearl Bailey.
( ring )
Hello ?
Chuck ?
Why, you old dog !
I haven't seen you
in forever.
What, you're
on your way over ?
Great, catch you
in a few, ciao !
That was my old fraternity
brother, chuck.
He's coming by for a visit.
Won't that be nice ?
Coming by for a visit ?
Kee-ripes !
( honk )
Lookie, Ren, I finished
your cheerleader outfit.
Try it on.
I-- I-- I can't let chuck
see me like this !
( knock knock knock )
I'll get it, coming !
Oh, no, you don't.
Ta Da !
Start the party,
chuckie boy's here.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh !
Hoek, you old dog !
Hey, buddy,
how about that old
frat handshake ?
♪ Omega delta phi,
omega delta phi ♪
♪ heigh-ho in the Derry-o,
omega delta phi ♪
woo-hoo-hoo !
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo !
Woo hoo hoo !
Hey, uh, Hoek...
you're gettin' kind of, uh...
dandy in your old age.
Hey, it's a cat !
Let's get 'im !
( barking )
( chomp )
Aww haw haw haw haw !
Aw, geez, did you see
that cat run ?
Eh, uh, actually,
that cat is Stimpy,
my roommate and best pal
in the whole world.
Hmm, that really
makes me want to puke !
Not only are you livin'
the domesticated lifestyle,
but with a cat, no less.
And not much of a cat,
at that.
I think you've lost
your canine instinct.
It-- it's not true,
I tell you.
Why, I'm just as much
of a mangy, flea-bitten,
butt-Sniffing hound
as I ever was !
Oh, yeah ?
Prove it !
Chase the cat.
Hmm, we better fix
him up a bit first.
There.
Now that's a cat.
You wait here
for a few seconds,
then knock.
Got that, fur-butt ?
Yes, sir.
What are you ?
I-- I'm a dog.
What are you ?
I'm a dog.
What do you chase ?
Cats !
And what do you chase ?
Cats, cats, cats !
( barking & hooting )
( knock on door )
( sweet voices )
Who is it ?
It-- it's the cat.
Any vicious dogs in there ?
No, just us... mad dogs !
Aah !
( barking )
( chomp )
I'm running out
of buttocks up here.
Yeah, it's just like
old times, eh, Hoek ?
What do you say
you and me go out
and paint the town yellow ?
( barking )
Yaah !
Man, what a day.
What else could go wrong ?
( barking )
Here you go, pal,
be my guest !
Thanks, pal.
( barking )
Come on, man, hurry up,
gimme your best shot !
Whoo !
( giggling )
( ticking )
I sure hope
the boys are all right.
( door opens )
Ren, you're home !
♪ Omega delta phi,
omega delta phi ♪
♪ heigh-ho the Derry-o ♪
♪ omega delta phi ♪
oh, Ren, I was so
worried about--
hey, it's that cat.
( growling )
Yaah !
( barking )
Hey, look at this.
It's our old college yearbook.
Those were the days,
hey, Hoek ?
They sure were.
Hey, here's you, flyspeck.
"Ren is president of
the flower arranging corps,
"captain of the underwater
chess team,
and treasurer of
the spelunker-ers' club."
Wow, what a winner.
( laughter )
Boy, Ren, you were
a jenny-wine loser !
Ha ha ! Yeah,
an authentic reject.
Hey, let's play a game.
Ooh-Ooh-ooh-ooh !
What ?
It's a cat, kill it !
Ooh-Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh !
Go, go, go,
kill, kill, kill !
Kill, kill, kill,
kill, kill, kill, kill.
Aah, aah, no, let go !
No, aah, aah !
Aah !
Well, boys, I'm off to work.
See you in about eight hours.
Play nice.
Gee, uh,
what'll we do all day ?
Well, I'm home.
I sure hope you boys--
what the--
hiya, Ren.
How's the boy ?
We've been watching
bloody sporting events,
and playing
manly punching games
designed to inflict
horrible bruises !
( throbbing )
Hey, stimp, come on, pal.
We've gotta
get out of here
before all the public
restrooms close.
Goodbye, renny,
we're going carousing.
But--
but what about me ?
Oh, yeah, we left a few
dirty dishes in the kitchen.
Take care of those, will ya ?
Boy, that chuck is always
the life of the party.
Just like back in college.
Those were the days...
I remember the first time
I met my frat brother.
There was all
that late-night cramming.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha !
And the time we spent
on the football field.
Oh, uh, spit boy.
Here, your football
hero-Ness, sir !
( hawking )
Ptooey !
And then there was the night
of the harvest
homecoming dance.
I had purchased the most
lovely sausage I could afford.
And what was to be
the best night of my life
turned out to be the worst.
Hey, flyspeck !
Don't, uh, wait up for us.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha !
Who am I kidding ?
I was a pathetic loser !
An insignificant flyspeck.
And that's all I'll ever be.
( sobbing )
( door closes )
Stimpy ?
Is that you--
( sniffing )
Buddy ?
♪ Omega delta phi,
omega delta phi ♪
♪ heigh ho, the dairy-o ♪
♪ omega delta phi ♪
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh !
Hi, Ren !
We drank toilet water,
and I liked it !
That's nice.
Yeah, and we could do
with a root beer chaser.
So hop to it.
In a flash.
Hurry back, Ren,
so you can play
the manly games with us.
Ah, forget him, Stimpy.
He is a bum.
He always was a bum,
he continues to be a bum,
and he always
will be a bum.
Come on, let's watch some
more full-contact croquet.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh !
Psst, hey, pouty face.
We're gonna watch violent acts
of sportsmanship now.
No, thanks,
I'll just wait here
'til I die.
( sobbing )
Hmm, I know !
Oh, Ren...
it's the cat.
Let's get him !
Thanks, Stimpy.
You always know just
how to cheer me up.
Oh, pshaw.
Then we're pals again ?
( grrr )
( chomp )
Friends to the end, Ren.
Friends to the end.
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo !
Hello, I'm Ren Hoek,
master of etiquette.
And welcome
to my dinner party.
Today, we will learn
the proper etiquette
one needs to know
when throwing
a successful dinner party.
But a host cannot do all
the preparation by himself.
He needs good, cheap help.
Such is my loyal and
repugnant houseboy, Stimpy.
Duh...
the most important thing
in throwing a dinner party
is to choose your guests
from the cream of society.
Duh...
duh, you are cordially
invited to a-- ouch !
Say !
Duh...
( sniff sniff )
Ah, my faithful idiot
is preparing the repast
for tonight's guests.
Duh, soup.
( snort )
Okey-dokey !
( horns honking )
( ship horn )
( crash )
Oop, better check the makeup.
A smart host
keeps a mirror nearby,
to check his appearance.
Aah !
I'll have it out in a minute.
( poink )
Allow me.
Hey,
that's cool, cat, cool.
When greeting guests, always
remember to announce them.
Announcing the honorable
professor fly,
and his lovely escort,
miss rancid meat.
Announcing general lummox.
( belch )
Ambassador salesman.
Sir duke of chicken.
Prince mudskipper
and his lovely wife
gorgo.
( grunting )
The second thing to remember
when greeting guests
is to honor them
with a sweaty handshake.
I've found Turkish
weight lifters
work perfectly
for sweaty palms.
Thank you !
Announcing
sir Scotsman of Spain.
( bagpipe music )
Ooh, that's a manly
handshake ye got there !
It's got a great,
huge stench to it, too.
Once the guests
are seated,
the soup is served
as a starter.
Dear lord, let us not swim
30 minutes after dinner.
And please,
bless our intestines.
Amen.
It is up to the host
to keep the conversation
at the table
lively and interesting.
Flattery works well
to loosen up
even the most reluctant
conversationalist.
( roaring )
Why, emperor baboon,
your butt looks
awfully inflamed today.
Huh ?
Huh ?
( girlish giggle )
And finally,
the main course is served:
highly glazed sheep liver,
with dusty wig stuffing.
Ooh !
Ooh !
Ah !
Bon apppetit !
( clatter )
( belch )
Ah, there's nothing more
gratifying to a host
than the beautiful call
of a satisfied belly.
( retching )
Our friend powdered
toast man, here,
doesn't remember
that it's better
to burp and bear the shame,
than to hold it in
and bear the pain.
It's okay,
go ahead and cut loose.
It's perfectly acceptable
etiquette.
No, mustn't.
It's bad... manners.
Oh, well.
When will they learn
to listen to the master
of etiquette ?
And now, shall we
help our guests
cleanse their palettes ?
Oh, Stimpson.
And now we engage in the old
Scandinavian tradition,
where the men retreat
for cigars and parlor games.
( vomiting )
While the lady folks
venture to the tea parlor
so they can have
their shins shined...
and have their bunions
shellacked.
Clean !
After several hours,
even good friends can wear
awfully thin on your nerves.
When ending a party,
one should drop subtle
but direct hints.
All right, bongo,
that's enough.
( groaning )
♪ When a body rolls a body
goin' out the door ♪
hey, what are you people
doing in my house ?
What'll we do ?
The owners of the house
are here.
Whatever shall we do ?
It's the fly !
He made us do it !
Oh, no, back off, I tell you,
or the steak gets it !
When confronted
with lingering party guests,
remember, the old
"we're throwing a party
in a house that doesn't belong
to us" trick always works.
And be sure to have
plenty of cash on hand
to pay off accomplices.
Shut up and pay up,
Hoek.
( laughing )