The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 5, Episode 5 - Bellhops/Dog Tags - full transcript
Ren and Stimpy get jobs as bellhops and must make sure that no one finds out who is living in the top two floors of the hotel, but their curiosity gets the best of them. Mark Hamill voices ...
Hoek, cadoogan !
( ding ding ding ding )
Front !
Aye-aye !
Sir !
Good morning, boys.
Let me hear
that bellhop oath.
Uh-1 and uh-2:
neither crusty sheets
nor stinky guests,
nor wakeup calls
that disturb our rest,
nor measly tip
nor baggage pounds
will keep us
from our appointed rounds.
And ?
We always respect
the privacy of our guests.
♪ Shave and a haircut
two bits ♪
very good, boys.
Now to the matter at hand.
There have been sightings
of reporters lurking about,
which leads me to a very
important story point.
Mr. Noggin, in the penthouse,
is a very private man,
and is not to be photographed
or disturbed in any way.
Got that, stupids ?
Ah, Mrs. Buttloaves.
How nice
to see you again !
Show her to her room,
boys.
I'll get the bag.
You get the hag.
Hey, Stimpy, hurry up.
My finger's
starting to blister.
( grunting )
( squeezing )
( giggling )
( crash )
( panting )
I've got a little
something for you, boys.
It's in here somewhere.
( belch )
Thanks,
Mrs. Buttloaves.
My breath was
beginning to offend.
( ding ding ding ding )
Boys, take this mysterious
package to Mr. Noggin.
And I want you
to avoid all temptation
to open this very strange,
eerie, awe-inspiring package.
( rattling )
What do you know
about this guy, anyway ?
He was the genius who
saved the rainforests,
found cures
for all diseases,
and built this hotel
on sacred Indian
burial grounds.
No one's seen him
for years.
Sounds like a loser.
Room soy-vice !
Whaddya want ?
Here's your hat--
I mean,
your mysterious package.
Hey, here's your tip.
Now get lost !
Fortune smiles upon us !
( whistling )
Hey, buddy-- I'll give you
5 bucks for a photograph
of the mysterious man
in the penthouse suite.
Duh...
okay, okay.
A million dollars.
But that's as high as I go.
What do you say ?
No !
I have taken
the bellhop oath.
I must protect
the pre-versity of my guests.
Take this, Satan's minion !
♪ Onward, bellhop soldiers,
la la la la duh duh ♪
excuse me.
Oil me, big boy.
Hoek !
Garbage detail, Hoek.
Taking in some sun,
eh ?
Hey, buddy, get me
a photo of the rich guy,
and I'll give you
5 bucks !
Well, I suppose I could
go as high as, oh...
5 bucks ?
Here you go,
Mr. Recluse, sir.
Stimpy, there's a guy
who'll give me 5 bucks
for a picture
of the rich weirdo !
Have you been talking
to strange
garbage cans again ?
How would you like
your privacy invaded ?
Ah, see you on the other side.
Stop, Ren !
( heroic voice )
I will not let him
disgrace himself.
( gasp )
Ai !
Huh ?
( gasp )
He's just a head.
Hey, hey--
hey, stop !
Don't go down the evil path.
Out of the way,
bat boy !
I've got 5 bucks
that's got his head on it !
You don't understand.
No one understands.
And so
I became a recluse,
forever hidden,
and lonely.
Spare the world
my grotesque-ness !
Oh, lord !
I put my pants on
one leg at a time, too !
Oh, have you no heart ?
You're right.
I will mend my evil ways.
Starting tomorrow !
Oh, no, you're not !
You can't stop--
me.
Say cheese !
There's nowhere to--
run.
Show us
your pearly whites.
Smile for the birdie.
Aah !
Give it up.
It's futile !
No, wait !
Stimpy.
Don't do it !
Aah !
Stim-pee !
Aah !
Aah !
Oh, little mosquito,
it's time for my
spleen flensing !
Aah !
Eh heh,
smile for the camera.
Well, boy, I met
the girl of my dreams,
all 'cause of your insatiable
greed and inhumanity.
Here's a million bucks
for you !
( chuckles )
There go some
satisfied customers.
Excellent work...
bellboy !
There, there, Ren.
I always cry
at weddings, too.
Hey, Stimpy, hurry up
with those shoes.
I'm gonna be late
for my meeting.
Shoes !
Here you go, Ren.
I polished 'em for you.
Now go get my hat.
Hat !
Thank you.
Wow, Ren.
You look so regal !
Wait here.
I'll get the last item.
Here it is, Ren.
Your official gavel,
for the benevolent order
of dog bone eaters !
That's it, then, I'm off
to my dog lodge meeting.
Hey, hey, Ren,
please, can I go with you
to your dog lodge meeting ?
Please, can I, can I, huh ?
I want to do secret
dog things with you !
Oh, please, Ren !
Please, please, please, please
please, pleeease !
No !
You've been asking me
that same question
every week
for 53 years.
They don't allow cats.
You'd never make it past
the security at the door.
I can pretend to be a dog.
I know
how to be dog-like.
I'll fool 'em.
Oh, please,
let me go.
Oh, please.
Oh, all right.
Go on, make a fool
out of yourself.
Yaah !
But don't say
I didn't warn you.
( moo )
Hurry it up in there.
Almost ready !
Okay, how do I look ?
( barking )
Now cut that out !
Now remember:
we're not together.
You'll never get in.
And when you don't get in,
don't come crying to me,
because
I don't know you.
Weatherwax.
Uh, hold it.
Well,
what have we here ?
A saber-tooth dog ?
Get lost !
We don't need your
kind around here.
Duh, bark, bark !
Woof, woof !
Meow.
Hmm.
Okay, you're cool.
Go right on in.
Yaah !
How's it goin', guys ?
And just what are you
supposed to be ?
A mosquito ?
Nah,
that's no mosquito.
That's a rat-faced
rodent.
Hey, I'm a dog !
Hey,
I know the password.
Weatherwax, man.
Weatherwax.
Can't you read ?
( laugh track )
Come on, you guys
just let a cat in here.
Are you sayin' I don't
know a cat when I see one ?
I know a cat when I see one.
I know one thing for sure:
you ain't no dog.
What do you mean,
I'm not a dog ?
I've got tags
to prove it, see ?
That don't look
anything like you.
Duh, yeah.
It's expired, anyway.
All right.
I can prove I'm a dog.
Chihuahuas are
natural-Born elk hunters.
Just watch !
( liquid hitting ground )
( zip )
A rat !
Kill it !
Kill it !
Hunting does not
prove nothing.
You have to perform
a few tests
if you want to get
into the lodge.
Okay, just hurry it up.
I've got to get
back to Stimpy
before they tear him
to shreds.
There you go, little buddy.
Go for it !
Ruff !
( applause )
I just love dog games !
( crash )
There,
how's that ?
Can I get in now ?
Haw, anybody
can chase a car.
A real dog could
hotwire one.
Ehh...
hotwire a car.
Stupid dog club.
( motor starts )
Ah, there you go.
She's purring
like a--
cop.
I wonder whatever happened
to that rat-faced rodent.
Isn't that him ?
All right, what's next ?
I know !
( whispering )
( laughing )
Yeah, that's good.
Okay, okay, I got it.
If you were a real dog,
you could...
marry a millionaire !
I think I'll go
powder my nose, dear.
Daddy'll be here
waiting for you,
snookums, honeybunch.
Heh heh-- whoa !
( scuffling, glass breaking )
Ow, ow, aah !
( applause )
All right, boys, clamp on !
( Conga music )
You hear that ?
It's the ceremonial conga
heinie sniffing dance !
Yeah, they must have
crowned
a new high
exalted bone head.
Okay, you've
watered a fireplug,
been shampooed
like a dog,
worn the beard of fleas...
built a pyramid,
bit the president.
Grrr.
Performed the ceremonial
bungee piercing.
Borrowed a cup
of argyle socks.
There's only
one test left
to prove
once and for all
that you are a dog.
To get into the lodge,
you must clean yourself
in public,
like any other
self-Respecting dog.
( crickets,
scattered coughing )
I can't go through with it !
I'm not a dog.
I'm a mosquito.
This is the answer.
That's right,
the only answer.
I've been abandoned...
by my own...
idiot.
Rejected by my own kind.
My very doghood
is denied me.
There's nothing left for me
to do but end it all.
( brakes screech )
Hey, is that--
eee gads,
Ren !
No !
Don't ever scare me
like that again !
Let me go.
Everybody,
get away from me.
I have nothing left
to live for.
Go on,
go with your new friends.
Don't let me
hold you back.
Gosh, Ren,
don't you know ?
I only wanted
to join the lodge
so I could
be with you.
But, Stimpy,
what'll we do for
fraternal camaraderie ?
Idea !
♪ Oh, when all the cats
are smilin' ♪
♪ all the dogs
are in the pound ♪
♪ oh, a litter box
beguiling ♪
♪ cough a hairball
all around ♪
( ding ding ding ding )
Front !
Aye-aye !
Sir !
Good morning, boys.
Let me hear
that bellhop oath.
Uh-1 and uh-2:
neither crusty sheets
nor stinky guests,
nor wakeup calls
that disturb our rest,
nor measly tip
nor baggage pounds
will keep us
from our appointed rounds.
And ?
We always respect
the privacy of our guests.
♪ Shave and a haircut
two bits ♪
very good, boys.
Now to the matter at hand.
There have been sightings
of reporters lurking about,
which leads me to a very
important story point.
Mr. Noggin, in the penthouse,
is a very private man,
and is not to be photographed
or disturbed in any way.
Got that, stupids ?
Ah, Mrs. Buttloaves.
How nice
to see you again !
Show her to her room,
boys.
I'll get the bag.
You get the hag.
Hey, Stimpy, hurry up.
My finger's
starting to blister.
( grunting )
( squeezing )
( giggling )
( crash )
( panting )
I've got a little
something for you, boys.
It's in here somewhere.
( belch )
Thanks,
Mrs. Buttloaves.
My breath was
beginning to offend.
( ding ding ding ding )
Boys, take this mysterious
package to Mr. Noggin.
And I want you
to avoid all temptation
to open this very strange,
eerie, awe-inspiring package.
( rattling )
What do you know
about this guy, anyway ?
He was the genius who
saved the rainforests,
found cures
for all diseases,
and built this hotel
on sacred Indian
burial grounds.
No one's seen him
for years.
Sounds like a loser.
Room soy-vice !
Whaddya want ?
Here's your hat--
I mean,
your mysterious package.
Hey, here's your tip.
Now get lost !
Fortune smiles upon us !
( whistling )
Hey, buddy-- I'll give you
5 bucks for a photograph
of the mysterious man
in the penthouse suite.
Duh...
okay, okay.
A million dollars.
But that's as high as I go.
What do you say ?
No !
I have taken
the bellhop oath.
I must protect
the pre-versity of my guests.
Take this, Satan's minion !
♪ Onward, bellhop soldiers,
la la la la duh duh ♪
excuse me.
Oil me, big boy.
Hoek !
Garbage detail, Hoek.
Taking in some sun,
eh ?
Hey, buddy, get me
a photo of the rich guy,
and I'll give you
5 bucks !
Well, I suppose I could
go as high as, oh...
5 bucks ?
Here you go,
Mr. Recluse, sir.
Stimpy, there's a guy
who'll give me 5 bucks
for a picture
of the rich weirdo !
Have you been talking
to strange
garbage cans again ?
How would you like
your privacy invaded ?
Ah, see you on the other side.
Stop, Ren !
( heroic voice )
I will not let him
disgrace himself.
( gasp )
Ai !
Huh ?
( gasp )
He's just a head.
Hey, hey--
hey, stop !
Don't go down the evil path.
Out of the way,
bat boy !
I've got 5 bucks
that's got his head on it !
You don't understand.
No one understands.
And so
I became a recluse,
forever hidden,
and lonely.
Spare the world
my grotesque-ness !
Oh, lord !
I put my pants on
one leg at a time, too !
Oh, have you no heart ?
You're right.
I will mend my evil ways.
Starting tomorrow !
Oh, no, you're not !
You can't stop--
me.
Say cheese !
There's nowhere to--
run.
Show us
your pearly whites.
Smile for the birdie.
Aah !
Give it up.
It's futile !
No, wait !
Stimpy.
Don't do it !
Aah !
Stim-pee !
Aah !
Aah !
Oh, little mosquito,
it's time for my
spleen flensing !
Aah !
Eh heh,
smile for the camera.
Well, boy, I met
the girl of my dreams,
all 'cause of your insatiable
greed and inhumanity.
Here's a million bucks
for you !
( chuckles )
There go some
satisfied customers.
Excellent work...
bellboy !
There, there, Ren.
I always cry
at weddings, too.
Hey, Stimpy, hurry up
with those shoes.
I'm gonna be late
for my meeting.
Shoes !
Here you go, Ren.
I polished 'em for you.
Now go get my hat.
Hat !
Thank you.
Wow, Ren.
You look so regal !
Wait here.
I'll get the last item.
Here it is, Ren.
Your official gavel,
for the benevolent order
of dog bone eaters !
That's it, then, I'm off
to my dog lodge meeting.
Hey, hey, Ren,
please, can I go with you
to your dog lodge meeting ?
Please, can I, can I, huh ?
I want to do secret
dog things with you !
Oh, please, Ren !
Please, please, please, please
please, pleeease !
No !
You've been asking me
that same question
every week
for 53 years.
They don't allow cats.
You'd never make it past
the security at the door.
I can pretend to be a dog.
I know
how to be dog-like.
I'll fool 'em.
Oh, please,
let me go.
Oh, please.
Oh, all right.
Go on, make a fool
out of yourself.
Yaah !
But don't say
I didn't warn you.
( moo )
Hurry it up in there.
Almost ready !
Okay, how do I look ?
( barking )
Now cut that out !
Now remember:
we're not together.
You'll never get in.
And when you don't get in,
don't come crying to me,
because
I don't know you.
Weatherwax.
Uh, hold it.
Well,
what have we here ?
A saber-tooth dog ?
Get lost !
We don't need your
kind around here.
Duh, bark, bark !
Woof, woof !
Meow.
Hmm.
Okay, you're cool.
Go right on in.
Yaah !
How's it goin', guys ?
And just what are you
supposed to be ?
A mosquito ?
Nah,
that's no mosquito.
That's a rat-faced
rodent.
Hey, I'm a dog !
Hey,
I know the password.
Weatherwax, man.
Weatherwax.
Can't you read ?
( laugh track )
Come on, you guys
just let a cat in here.
Are you sayin' I don't
know a cat when I see one ?
I know a cat when I see one.
I know one thing for sure:
you ain't no dog.
What do you mean,
I'm not a dog ?
I've got tags
to prove it, see ?
That don't look
anything like you.
Duh, yeah.
It's expired, anyway.
All right.
I can prove I'm a dog.
Chihuahuas are
natural-Born elk hunters.
Just watch !
( liquid hitting ground )
( zip )
A rat !
Kill it !
Kill it !
Hunting does not
prove nothing.
You have to perform
a few tests
if you want to get
into the lodge.
Okay, just hurry it up.
I've got to get
back to Stimpy
before they tear him
to shreds.
There you go, little buddy.
Go for it !
Ruff !
( applause )
I just love dog games !
( crash )
There,
how's that ?
Can I get in now ?
Haw, anybody
can chase a car.
A real dog could
hotwire one.
Ehh...
hotwire a car.
Stupid dog club.
( motor starts )
Ah, there you go.
She's purring
like a--
cop.
I wonder whatever happened
to that rat-faced rodent.
Isn't that him ?
All right, what's next ?
I know !
( whispering )
( laughing )
Yeah, that's good.
Okay, okay, I got it.
If you were a real dog,
you could...
marry a millionaire !
I think I'll go
powder my nose, dear.
Daddy'll be here
waiting for you,
snookums, honeybunch.
Heh heh-- whoa !
( scuffling, glass breaking )
Ow, ow, aah !
( applause )
All right, boys, clamp on !
( Conga music )
You hear that ?
It's the ceremonial conga
heinie sniffing dance !
Yeah, they must have
crowned
a new high
exalted bone head.
Okay, you've
watered a fireplug,
been shampooed
like a dog,
worn the beard of fleas...
built a pyramid,
bit the president.
Grrr.
Performed the ceremonial
bungee piercing.
Borrowed a cup
of argyle socks.
There's only
one test left
to prove
once and for all
that you are a dog.
To get into the lodge,
you must clean yourself
in public,
like any other
self-Respecting dog.
( crickets,
scattered coughing )
I can't go through with it !
I'm not a dog.
I'm a mosquito.
This is the answer.
That's right,
the only answer.
I've been abandoned...
by my own...
idiot.
Rejected by my own kind.
My very doghood
is denied me.
There's nothing left for me
to do but end it all.
( brakes screech )
Hey, is that--
eee gads,
Ren !
No !
Don't ever scare me
like that again !
Let me go.
Everybody,
get away from me.
I have nothing left
to live for.
Go on,
go with your new friends.
Don't let me
hold you back.
Gosh, Ren,
don't you know ?
I only wanted
to join the lodge
so I could
be with you.
But, Stimpy,
what'll we do for
fraternal camaraderie ?
Idea !
♪ Oh, when all the cats
are smilin' ♪
♪ all the dogs
are in the pound ♪
♪ oh, a litter box
beguiling ♪
♪ cough a hairball
all around ♪