The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 5, Episode 2 - Space Dogged/Feud for Sale - full transcript
Ren and Stimpy are going to be the first dog and cat sent up to space in the Russian space program.In the spirit of the Hatfields and McCoys, Ren and Stimpy present the Nitwits and the Dimwits.
( beeping )
( Russian narrator )
It is height
of 20th century, 1954.
Space race has officially
been launched
and race to conquer
space begins, in Russia.
And there's no shortage
of brave young men
volunteering to make
soviets first in space.
Welcome, suckers--
eh, I mean,
comrades.
These men must make
great sacrifices,
leaving their
beloved potatoes behind
for the good of their country.
They must endure battery
of electronic tests
to prepare them
for rigors of space,
via electronic stimulation.
( buzzing )
( shrieking )
( buzzing )
( buzzing )
Our training facilities employ
most advanced
Russian technology.
Good luck, comrades.
This rocket sled produces
20 billion pounds of thrust
to prepare for blastoff...
( crashing )
And landing.
Your rubles are
hard at work with
the state-of-art
g-Force simulator.
This colossal,
forged-Steel fan
turns at unbelievable velocity.
Equipment is monitored
closely by crack technicians,
as not to exceed not to exceed
threshold of human tolerance.
( laughing )
This vehicle simulates
difficult task
of eating in space.
( wretching )
In this test, we simulate
life in space capsule
in high-pressure
isolation chamber.
Let's see how they fare
after 167 days
without food or water.
And again, our boys pass test
with flying colors,
proving once again
that people of great republic
have got what it takes
to be first in space !
( man on loudspeaker )
Rocket 11 ready for launch.
Cosmonauts report
to launch pad.
( squeaking )
( weeping )
12, report to launch pad.
Hey, there's some
kind of mistake.
He's number 12, I'm 13.
No, take
the fat guy !
Ah-ha-ha-ha !
( screaming )
No, no, no !
( giggling )
Well, I guess
our number's up.
Hey, renovich,
want a bite of my prune danish
and a drink of my
steamy hot coff--
( percolating )
I, I gotta
go potski.
So, go right
ahead and have at it.
These suits are specifically
designed for that.
Gosh !
Hey, wait a minute.
( farting )
Hey, hey, hey,
abort mission !
( computerized voice )
Launch.
( counting down in Russian )
Oh, my head !
I love you !
( beeping )
( grunts )
Hey !
( whimpers )
( beeping )
Alertski !
Alertski !
( screaming )
( beeping )
We need more power !
More potatoes, faster !
It's working, stimpsky.
Rensky, we're out
of potatoes !
Then break up
the furniture !
Not the Matisse !
There's no more fuel.
We made it.
Mission complete.
The soviet socialist republic
first in space !
Nyet, nyet !
U.S.A.
Say, I bet they have
plenty of fuel.
I gotta plan.
One more time.
You take the hose,
stick it in their fuel tank
and I'll suck out
the gas.
Got it ?
Duh, Da.
( seeping air )
Fine work,
comrade stimpsky.
( sniffing )
Their ship must
run on manure.
( squeals )
Russian dog.
Capitalist pig !
Back off, man.
Stinkin' Bolsheviks,
you'll never take me alive.
Remember the Alamo.
( squealing )
( computer voice )
Go.
We're running low on pig and
there's nothing left to burn.
We'll never win
the space race.
Hmm.
It ain't
over yet.
We still have these.
Aah !
No, Ren, that's
too much power !
If you wanna win,
drop 'em.
Grab hold of
your butt, comrade.
( laughing )
We win, we win !
( computerized voice )
Panic.
Aah !
Inertial
guidance system on ?
Check.
Full-boost vertical ?
Da.
Fuzzy dice ?
Roger Mildred.
Landing thrusters...
check.
( grunting )
Welcome home,
boys !
You're heroes !
Uh, john Wayne,
uh, bang, bang.
Coca-cola,
good time, bang, bang,
baseball Joe.
Aah !
( sirens )
Hmm.
( clicking cameras )
( applause )
( crowd chanting )
We're number one !
We're number one !
Better fed than red.
( crowd chanting )
We're number two !
We're number two !
( squealing )
( man )
Con man !
( man )
Swindler !
Thief !
( woman )
Give me back my money !
Been a pleasure
doing business with ya.
Heh, heh.
Whoa !
Shoo... you.
Huh, what do
we got here ?
Feud zone, eh ?
Hmm, that's an
interesting specimen.
Ah, homo stupidicus.
Hmm, another fine specimen,
moronicus inbredicus.
Those poor lads,
engaged in a cheap
and tawdry feud
with no one to guide them.
I must go forth
and forcibly render aid
to these underprivileged scum
that I may relieve them
of their boredom,
their dignity,
and their money !
Howdy do, neighbor !
( buzzing flies )
Say, that's a
mighty fine stick
you got there...
uh, uh, mister...
( burps )
Uh, d-I-r-5...
oh, yeah, dimwit.
( chuckling )
Yeah, Abner dimwit.
And, uh, that must be
your friend, eh ?
That ain't no friend.
That's Ewalt nitwit.
We's having ourselves
a feud.
And as soon as I'm done
whittling this here stick,
I'm going to finish it
twiced and for all.
Well, Mr. Dimwit,
this is your lucky day.
Why feud with your neighbors
the old-fashioned way,
when you can
do it with a genuine
cobbco pointy stick ?!
They're the cutting edge
of ignorance.
( buzzing flies )
A pointy stick !
( chuckles )
There's a little
matter of
monetary
compensation to settle.
Hmm, I ain't
gots none of that.
But I got tons of money.
Hmm.
Well, I don't know.
But since you're the kind of
low-Life scum that I like,
I'll take your
filthy money !
( snorts )
I'll be right back.
( farts )
Howdy, grandpa.
I just come to borrow
a million bucks from you.
( coughing )
Used to be a day when
a man could burn up in peace.
Well, Mr. Dimwit, you'll be
the envy of your friends.
I'm gonna try 'em out
right now.
Enjoy... loser.
( snoring )
Psst.
Hey, buddy...
( squeaking )
Check out your pal.
Man, does he
look sharp !
Huh ?
Don't say it.
I know what
you're thinking.
You wanna look
sharp, too.
Well, I've got
something even sharper.
Now, for only $36,000,
how would you like to be
the first moron
to own some genuine
cobbco designer-quality
used flypaper ?!
All the stupidest men
in France wear them.
France !
I'll take
'em all !
♪ I feel stupid
oh so stupid ♪
♪ I feel stupid
and dumb and dumb ♪
psst.
Hey, bub,
check out your pal.
Mm-mm, what class !
Say that ain't fair.
Face it, abwalt, you're
behind the times.
You know,
it's time to...
catch up !
Yeah, all you
need is...
( whispering )
♪ A pretty girl
is like a melody ♪
hey, mac...
better look
next door.
( cackling )
Go on, look at
that slick cat.
Look at the joy
on his face.
You're not gonna
let him outdo ya ?
You don't wanna be made fun
of the way you look,
do ya, ugly ?
I guess I do.
Boy, let me tell ya,
that beehive girdle
sure looks super !
( grunting )
Why that dirty...
you're not gonna
stand for that, are ya ?
You better retaliate
with this...
( roaring elephant )
The cobbco
elephant tosser !
Eeh !
( chuckles )
Yank !
I gots it,
I gots it !
( shattering and clattering )
( moaning )
That's all
I can take.
Say, i's beginning to think
this is some kind of hoax.
I think you're
uh, uh, uh...
taking the bandage
off of me.
I quit !
Yep, just what I thought,
wasted my time
on a loser.
I was gonna help you win,
but I guess you're
no match for Mr. Nitwit.
Good old Mr. Nitwit.
The kindly,
repugnant Mr. Nitwit.
( wailing )
I wanna be called
the fancy word, too !
Please sell me something
so's I can win !
( Abner )
I sure hope this works,
Mr. Salesman.
Oh, I assure you...
guaranteed success.
( revving motor )
Hillbilly away !
( booming explosion )
Abner, is you
thinking what I is ?
Yep, we's nothing
but a couple of fools.
That city fella sure
cleaned us out, didn't he ?
Well, we ain't got
nothing left to be
jealous of no more,
does we ?
Gosh, Abner,
I guess we's gonna
have to be pals again.
Friends.
The feud is over.
You know, it is not enough
for me to make a lot of money,
but to bring sunshine to this
sleepy hollow
and its inhabitants
really makes my day.
Well, my work here
is done.
I must move on to
greener pastures.
Well, old salt,
we're hittin' the road.
( Russian narrator )
It is height
of 20th century, 1954.
Space race has officially
been launched
and race to conquer
space begins, in Russia.
And there's no shortage
of brave young men
volunteering to make
soviets first in space.
Welcome, suckers--
eh, I mean,
comrades.
These men must make
great sacrifices,
leaving their
beloved potatoes behind
for the good of their country.
They must endure battery
of electronic tests
to prepare them
for rigors of space,
via electronic stimulation.
( buzzing )
( shrieking )
( buzzing )
( buzzing )
Our training facilities employ
most advanced
Russian technology.
Good luck, comrades.
This rocket sled produces
20 billion pounds of thrust
to prepare for blastoff...
( crashing )
And landing.
Your rubles are
hard at work with
the state-of-art
g-Force simulator.
This colossal,
forged-Steel fan
turns at unbelievable velocity.
Equipment is monitored
closely by crack technicians,
as not to exceed not to exceed
threshold of human tolerance.
( laughing )
This vehicle simulates
difficult task
of eating in space.
( wretching )
In this test, we simulate
life in space capsule
in high-pressure
isolation chamber.
Let's see how they fare
after 167 days
without food or water.
And again, our boys pass test
with flying colors,
proving once again
that people of great republic
have got what it takes
to be first in space !
( man on loudspeaker )
Rocket 11 ready for launch.
Cosmonauts report
to launch pad.
( squeaking )
( weeping )
12, report to launch pad.
Hey, there's some
kind of mistake.
He's number 12, I'm 13.
No, take
the fat guy !
Ah-ha-ha-ha !
( screaming )
No, no, no !
( giggling )
Well, I guess
our number's up.
Hey, renovich,
want a bite of my prune danish
and a drink of my
steamy hot coff--
( percolating )
I, I gotta
go potski.
So, go right
ahead and have at it.
These suits are specifically
designed for that.
Gosh !
Hey, wait a minute.
( farting )
Hey, hey, hey,
abort mission !
( computerized voice )
Launch.
( counting down in Russian )
Oh, my head !
I love you !
( beeping )
( grunts )
Hey !
( whimpers )
( beeping )
Alertski !
Alertski !
( screaming )
( beeping )
We need more power !
More potatoes, faster !
It's working, stimpsky.
Rensky, we're out
of potatoes !
Then break up
the furniture !
Not the Matisse !
There's no more fuel.
We made it.
Mission complete.
The soviet socialist republic
first in space !
Nyet, nyet !
U.S.A.
Say, I bet they have
plenty of fuel.
I gotta plan.
One more time.
You take the hose,
stick it in their fuel tank
and I'll suck out
the gas.
Got it ?
Duh, Da.
( seeping air )
Fine work,
comrade stimpsky.
( sniffing )
Their ship must
run on manure.
( squeals )
Russian dog.
Capitalist pig !
Back off, man.
Stinkin' Bolsheviks,
you'll never take me alive.
Remember the Alamo.
( squealing )
( computer voice )
Go.
We're running low on pig and
there's nothing left to burn.
We'll never win
the space race.
Hmm.
It ain't
over yet.
We still have these.
Aah !
No, Ren, that's
too much power !
If you wanna win,
drop 'em.
Grab hold of
your butt, comrade.
( laughing )
We win, we win !
( computerized voice )
Panic.
Aah !
Inertial
guidance system on ?
Check.
Full-boost vertical ?
Da.
Fuzzy dice ?
Roger Mildred.
Landing thrusters...
check.
( grunting )
Welcome home,
boys !
You're heroes !
Uh, john Wayne,
uh, bang, bang.
Coca-cola,
good time, bang, bang,
baseball Joe.
Aah !
( sirens )
Hmm.
( clicking cameras )
( applause )
( crowd chanting )
We're number one !
We're number one !
Better fed than red.
( crowd chanting )
We're number two !
We're number two !
( squealing )
( man )
Con man !
( man )
Swindler !
Thief !
( woman )
Give me back my money !
Been a pleasure
doing business with ya.
Heh, heh.
Whoa !
Shoo... you.
Huh, what do
we got here ?
Feud zone, eh ?
Hmm, that's an
interesting specimen.
Ah, homo stupidicus.
Hmm, another fine specimen,
moronicus inbredicus.
Those poor lads,
engaged in a cheap
and tawdry feud
with no one to guide them.
I must go forth
and forcibly render aid
to these underprivileged scum
that I may relieve them
of their boredom,
their dignity,
and their money !
Howdy do, neighbor !
( buzzing flies )
Say, that's a
mighty fine stick
you got there...
uh, uh, mister...
( burps )
Uh, d-I-r-5...
oh, yeah, dimwit.
( chuckling )
Yeah, Abner dimwit.
And, uh, that must be
your friend, eh ?
That ain't no friend.
That's Ewalt nitwit.
We's having ourselves
a feud.
And as soon as I'm done
whittling this here stick,
I'm going to finish it
twiced and for all.
Well, Mr. Dimwit,
this is your lucky day.
Why feud with your neighbors
the old-fashioned way,
when you can
do it with a genuine
cobbco pointy stick ?!
They're the cutting edge
of ignorance.
( buzzing flies )
A pointy stick !
( chuckles )
There's a little
matter of
monetary
compensation to settle.
Hmm, I ain't
gots none of that.
But I got tons of money.
Hmm.
Well, I don't know.
But since you're the kind of
low-Life scum that I like,
I'll take your
filthy money !
( snorts )
I'll be right back.
( farts )
Howdy, grandpa.
I just come to borrow
a million bucks from you.
( coughing )
Used to be a day when
a man could burn up in peace.
Well, Mr. Dimwit, you'll be
the envy of your friends.
I'm gonna try 'em out
right now.
Enjoy... loser.
( snoring )
Psst.
Hey, buddy...
( squeaking )
Check out your pal.
Man, does he
look sharp !
Huh ?
Don't say it.
I know what
you're thinking.
You wanna look
sharp, too.
Well, I've got
something even sharper.
Now, for only $36,000,
how would you like to be
the first moron
to own some genuine
cobbco designer-quality
used flypaper ?!
All the stupidest men
in France wear them.
France !
I'll take
'em all !
♪ I feel stupid
oh so stupid ♪
♪ I feel stupid
and dumb and dumb ♪
psst.
Hey, bub,
check out your pal.
Mm-mm, what class !
Say that ain't fair.
Face it, abwalt, you're
behind the times.
You know,
it's time to...
catch up !
Yeah, all you
need is...
( whispering )
♪ A pretty girl
is like a melody ♪
hey, mac...
better look
next door.
( cackling )
Go on, look at
that slick cat.
Look at the joy
on his face.
You're not gonna
let him outdo ya ?
You don't wanna be made fun
of the way you look,
do ya, ugly ?
I guess I do.
Boy, let me tell ya,
that beehive girdle
sure looks super !
( grunting )
Why that dirty...
you're not gonna
stand for that, are ya ?
You better retaliate
with this...
( roaring elephant )
The cobbco
elephant tosser !
Eeh !
( chuckles )
Yank !
I gots it,
I gots it !
( shattering and clattering )
( moaning )
That's all
I can take.
Say, i's beginning to think
this is some kind of hoax.
I think you're
uh, uh, uh...
taking the bandage
off of me.
I quit !
Yep, just what I thought,
wasted my time
on a loser.
I was gonna help you win,
but I guess you're
no match for Mr. Nitwit.
Good old Mr. Nitwit.
The kindly,
repugnant Mr. Nitwit.
( wailing )
I wanna be called
the fancy word, too !
Please sell me something
so's I can win !
( Abner )
I sure hope this works,
Mr. Salesman.
Oh, I assure you...
guaranteed success.
( revving motor )
Hillbilly away !
( booming explosion )
Abner, is you
thinking what I is ?
Yep, we's nothing
but a couple of fools.
That city fella sure
cleaned us out, didn't he ?
Well, we ain't got
nothing left to be
jealous of no more,
does we ?
Gosh, Abner,
I guess we's gonna
have to be pals again.
Friends.
The feud is over.
You know, it is not enough
for me to make a lot of money,
but to bring sunshine to this
sleepy hollow
and its inhabitants
really makes my day.
Well, my work here
is done.
I must move on to
greener pastures.
Well, old salt,
we're hittin' the road.