The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 5, Episode 1 - Ol' Blue Nose/Stupid Sidekick Union - full transcript

( horn honking )

( man on P.A. )
Bus 67 leaving on
platform 12 for Pawtucket.

( announcer )
It's the Louis
Lungbubble Show !

Ladies and gents,

right here
tonight on our stage,

we have the comb-throwing
daredevils,

El Como Borrachio
and Aquanetta.

Wow !

( audience )
Oooh...

Ahh...

Oooh...



Ahh...

wow again !

Ren ?

Can I have some
more change ?

You spent all our
money, didn't you ?

Because of you,

we're gonna starve to
death in a bus station !

All because of you and
that stupid Tv show !

( deep lounge-singer voice )
♪ When I eat too much ♪

♪ I regurgitate ♪

♪ some hits the table ♪

♪ but most hits
the plate ♪

♪ I like to eat ♪

♪ then re-eat what I ate ♪



♪ that's why
my stomach ♪

♪ that's why
my stomach, jack ♪

♪ that's why my stomach
gets a cramp ♪

( Ren )
That was when it all began.

Stimpy had become "snotra,"
the greatest singer of all time.

We started out at the bottom,
entertaining the common monkey

on the street.

♪ Phlegm-encrusted
hanky ♪

♪ deep inside my pocket ♪

( screeching )

♪ Stuck inside my pocket ♪

♪ and it won't come out ♪

clear !

♪ And sometimes
you'll know ♪

♪ when you have to blow ♪

♪ that you use your
shirtsleeves ♪

♪ again and again ♪

then we hit Vegas and
the money came pouring in.

Finally, Stimpy was
a headliner.

He played to
a really big house.

The audience was captivated.

A one, a two,
a one, two, three.

♪ Come fry with me ♪

♪ come fry
let's fry an Egg ♪

♪ if your eggs you lose
we could use my shoes ♪

♪ and bake a shoe SOUFFLé ♪

♪ come fry with me
come fry ♪

♪ let's fry an Egg ♪

♪ come fry with me
we'll fry some bacon too ♪

♪ we'll slice some rind
from the pig's behind ♪

♪ and set a place for two ♪

♪ come fry with me
come fry ♪

♪ let's fry an Egg ♪

( cheers and applause )

Soon all of Hollywood
flocked to our door.

( all talking )

Well... ha, ha, ha.

Ren !

Ren !!!

Now what's
the matter ?

My pasta is not
Al dente enough !

And while you're at it,
go pick up my underwear.

( opera music )

P.U., Man !

Here's your pasta,
big shot !

"Pick up my panties,
paint my toenails.

Pat my head."

Not anymore, fat boy !

I'm outta here !

Telegram for
Stimpson J. Cat.

"Dear Mr. Snotra,
we want you to be on our show.

Signed, Louis lungbubble."

Stimpy, don't you know
what this means ?

We've reached
the big time !

Louis lungbubble ?

Oh, joy !

( monkey screeching )

Hmm, let's see if Ren
got all my stuff here.

Tortoiseshell comb,
check.

Cuban bubblegum
cigar, check.

Titanium dinner fork,
check.

"Crush me lovely"
lipstick, check.

Pete rose autographed
kazoo, check.

Ren !

I'm missing my diamond-encrusted
ivory shoehorn !

... 1,002, 1,003, 1,004,
1,005, 1,006, 1,007, 1,008,

1,009, 1,010,
1,011, 1,012.

Most of that money's
mine, you know.

Oh, no you don't !

It was me !

I made you
what you are !

It's my money !

Hey, hey, hey !

That's it.

That's the last time
you hit me, pal joey.

Uh, look, Clyde,
I am the real talent here.

I'm the one with the golden
nasal passages,

and I'm the one
doing all the singing

while he gets all
the credit.

I'm kissing this cuckoo
daddio pad goodbye.

Eh, who needs him.

All right, you deadbeats,
you got two minutes.

Ren, I can't go on
looking like this.

There, good as new.

Now go out there and
give 'em all you got.

Break an arm.

Ladies and gents,
tonight right here on our stage,

the one, the only,

snotra.

( cheers and applause )

( normal voice )
♪ Come fry with me ♪

♪ let's fry
let's fry away ♪

( gulping )

Boo !

♪ Snot-encrusted hanky ♪

♪ deep inside
my pocket ♪

where do you
think you're going ?

You know, schnozzy,
ol' kid,

you'll be bigger
than Sid sneezer.

Nosy !

♪ Stimpy ♪

♪ I'm back
you crazy cuckoo cat ♪

nosy, nosy, nosy,
we saw you on Tv !

So we burned it.

All right,
so I bombed.

They hated me.

Look, what do you
want me to do ?

Get down on my
nostrils and beg ?

♪ Please take me back ♪

it's you and me, pal.

We're a team,
like mayonnaise and clams.

( singer's voice )
♪ Come fry with me
we'll fry some bacon too ♪

♪ we'll slice some rind
from the pig's behind ♪

♪ and set a place for two ♪

♪ come fry with me
come fry let's fry an Egg ♪

( Ren )
Stimpy !

Stimpy, you've been using
my Robert goulet party wig

as a coffee
filter again !

Haven't you ?

Duh, sure thing, Ren.

( phone ringing )

Hello !

It's for you, stupid.

Oh, joy !

Ah, ah, ah.

Who pays the phone
bill around here ?

I do.

That's right and
don't you forget it.

Duh, hello ?

Come again ?

Uh-huh, yeah.

Right.

Abs-a-tively.

Uh, time's up.

Let's see,
where were we ?

Oh, yeah !

Not today, buddy !

I'll be doing the only
striking around here.

That was the union,
local 6 7/8,

and we're on a walkout.

Organized ignorance, eh ?

Where you going ?

I ain't done
hitting you.

Quitting again, are you ?

What are you gonna do ?

Go work for
handle barbarian ?

That's okay, buddy,
I forgive you.

You can come
back to work now.

You can stick it !

I'm on strike !

And I'm not coming back, see,
until you sign this contract.

"Mr. Hoek, heretofore
known as the smacker,

"must have permission
from Mr. Cat,

smackee, before
the act of smacking commences."

What ?

Biweekly bathroom
privileges ?

That's right.

And stop crying,
you'll smear the crayon.

The next thing you know,
you'll wanna be paid !

You want me
to sign it ?

There, all signed !

Oh, and before you go,
that's studio property.

Don't let the door
hit you in the butt !

You'll be back !

You're not irreplaceable,
you know !

Hello ?

Is this the scab
sidekick union ?

Yeah, send somebody
right over,

someone with experience.

Well, that's that.

( doorbell )

Howdy, sheriff !

Pretty boy, eh ?

( Stimpy )
Scab !

Got a wooden head !

Hey, you're not in
the union, are you ?

Heck, no, boy,
I ain't no Yankee !

Did I tell you I got
a wooden head ?

Well, you're
stupid enough.

Enough hollering, let's get
commencing to sidekicking !

I'll go up in them
rocks and cover you.

( whistling )

Hey, what's the big idea
of starting a fire

in my living room ?

Fire !

It must be the James boys
burning down the schoolmarm

again, sheriff !

Back off !

Now listen,
I don't think that--

shh !

Stampede !

Look, festus, this ain't no
western, I ain't no sheriff,

and there ain't
no stampede--

what luck !

This heifer ain't
got no brand !

Oww !

Awaken, brothers
of stupidity.

Join the struggle
of the ignorant.

Got a wooden head.

Well, then, grab a sign
and some bricks, brother.

Scab union ?

I need another
replacement.

No, send them all over.

I'll pick my own scabs
from now on.

Divided we stand,
united we sit !

Hey, hey, ho, ho,
old Ren Hoek has got to go.

Hey, hey, ho, ho...

( Ren )
Scab !

Can't you read ?

All right, next !

I'm Polly the polyp
and I'm benign.

Yeah, yeah, great, kid.

Next !

( laughing )

Been done, next !

But I really
wanna direct.

Next !

( panting )

You, uh, have any
show-Biz experience ?

I'm sorry, I'd love
to give you the job,

but you have to fit
into this costume.

( panting )

Perfect fit,
you got the job.

Who left this wildebeest
carcass on my good sofa ?

This really makes me mad.

You baboon...

you really make me
angry this time.

( growling )

I'm gonna have
to hit you.

You stupid...

( growling )

Next.

What's your story ?

I am a world-class
thespian.

Oh, for a muse of fire that
would ascend the brightest

heaven of invention.

So, can you do Stimpy ?

I have performed
Stimpy for the queen !

Well, you're
the last applicant,

so you're hired, tea bag.

And then if he
doesn't sign it,

we'll ask him really
super nicely.

Talking's too
good for him !

Boy, I sure am thirsty.

Duh, here is your spoiled,
curdled milk, master Hoek.

No, you idiot !

You don't tell
me what it is !

I'm supposed to drink
it and wharf.

You blew the gag, moron !

I am an actor.

Well, there's no place
for actors in television,

so beat it,
Shakespeare.

Philistine dog.

All right,
everybody out !

I don't need any
sidekicks !

I'll do
the show myself !

I am the star !

( female voice )
Oh, Mr. Hoek,
I'm your biggest fan.

Oh, yeah ?

( Stimpy )
They all said you were--

( female voice )
They all said you
were a has-been,

but I said no,
he's a never-was-been

and always will be.

So how about
an autograph ?

Well, since you
put it that way.

Sure, I'll sign
your book.

Here you go,
little girl.

Duh, thank you,
Mr. Hoek !

( laughing )

Heh, loser.

( Ren )
Stimpy !

Stimpy !

You've been shining shoes with
my Dinah shore-autographed

toupee again,
haven't you ?

Yeah, so, what are
you gonna do about it ?

( clearing throat )

Ren.

May I please smack you,
Mr. Stimpy, sir ?

Yes, you may.

May I slap you silly,
Mr. Stimpy ?

That's overtime, baby.

Triple time.

Double triple overtime.

( slurring )
Double triple
golden overtime.