The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 4, Episode 13 - Superstitious Stimpy/Travelogue - full transcript

( Ren )
Hey !

What's with all
the consarned banging ?

I'm trying to read.

Don't you know what
today is, Ren ?

It's Tuesday, the 17th,

the unluckiest
day of the year !

You see, Ren,

when the moon enters Libra
and the house of confluence

shifts into retrograde,

Virgo erupts under
pressure from mercury.

This causes the planets to
align in a conga line



of chaos and disaster.

And what does that
have to do with nailing

a boar's head
to the wall ?

We need to De-luckify all
that unlucky unluckiness,

and a mounted boar's head
is notoriously lucky.

You should try it, Ren.

Come on.

Kiss the pig
on the mouth.

You are
a brainless spaz.

Don't you know an old husband's
tale when you hear one ?

Cooked up by
the boar's-head industry

to make money off
suckers like you.

Stop it, Ren.

Don't you know it's bad luck
to ridicule superstitions ?



Must counteract
bad juju.

Ah, that's better.

I'll show you what we do
with stupid superstitions.

What ?

So... stupid
superstition, am I ?

I'll show you what we do with
lousy boar's-head thieves.

Wow, lucky for him we
found his head, hey, Ren ?

Ren ?

Uh-oh, head embedded in
ceiling, more bad juju.

Well, time to start
the barbecue.

The coals are ready,
all we need is the meat.

Hey, Stimpy, run and fetch
me that side of beef

out of the meat locker.

But Ren, barbecuing indoors
is terrible bad luck.

Get in there
and get my meat !

Poor Ren,
he's in mortal danger.

He leaves me no choice.

Now where's that bonehead
with my carcass ?

He's been gone
for a half-hour.

My fire's dying down !

( Stimpy chanting )

Oh, great exalted
juju Mombasa,

please accept
this filthy offering,

so that old lady misfortune
will ne'er again hock phlegm

in our face again.

( thunder crashing )

Is that
my beef carcass ?

Yes, it is, Ren.

Beef carcasses are
very lucky, you know.

Once we immerse it in
common household bile.

What ?

That meat goes in my mouth,
not in your bile !

But-- but, Ren,
Tuesday, 17th.

( grunting )

No !!!

You've done it now, Ren.

It's terrible bad luck to
toss your carcass on the bed.

I wave my shiny red
keister in the face

of you and your
stuper-Stitions !

No, Ren, it's bad
juju to blaspheme !

Juju, huh ?

Ooh, I'm so scared the big
bad juju's gonna get me.

Come on, juju,
I'm calling you out !

Oww, oww...

heh, heh.

Gee, Ren, I guess you didn't
know that it was unlucky to--

get in the house !!!

Yes, sir.

Well, here I am cooking my side
of beef on a bed full of hats,

under an open umbrella,
under a ladder,

while a black cat
crosses my path.

Uh, Ren, it--
it's bad luck to--

shut your
festering cakehole.

I'm going to prove to you
that there ain't no such

thing as juju

and that you
are a moron.

( glass breaking )

Now get back to crossing
my path, blackie,

and don't forget to
step on those cracks.

( laughing maniacally )

Well, I'm waiting and
nothing's happening.

I'm perfectly fine.

There ain't no juju,
and you are still

the undisputed
king of morons.

Now what have
we learned today ?

Umm, that, uh...

all superstitions.

All superstitions.

Are fake.

Are fake.

And you are an idiot.

And I am an idiot.

I get it, Ren.

You mean that superstitions
are stupid,

and the only ones
who believe in them

are a idiot,
which is me.

Exactly.

So what are
superstitions ?

They are a bunch of crap.

That's right.

Now that that's settled,
breakfast is served.

Oh, boy !

Now where's the syrup ?

Yo, Ren, what's
that on your neck ?

What, this ?

That's my birthmark.

I can't believe you
never noticed it before.

Oh, my !

Oh, dear !

It's says here the only
thing unluckier than

a purple map on your
face is webbed toes.

Hmm...

( whistling )

Please, no, stop !

( screaming )

( gasping )

Webbed toes !

Yeah, so ?

Ren, you're, you're--

the unlucky beast !

Okay, I admit it.

I was born on
Tuesday the 17th.

I am the unluckiest
one in the world.

There, there,
old scratch.

Don't you worry
your little horn.

I know exactly what to do
to change your luck forever.

( chicken clucking )

( sheep bleating )

Quick, Ren, gargle this
and don't swallow.

It's putrefied
toad squeezings.

Now, hold still
and keep gargling.

( gargling )

A big hot mug of
baboon drool

and a big fresh
bag of owl pellets.

Okay, now onto step two.

Some people say bad-luck
spirits are all a-scared

of heights.

So jumping off this roof
should scare 'em away, okay ?

Okay.

I'll go first.

Geronimo !

Remember the Alamo !

I hate goats !

We're getting luckier
by the minute, Ren.

I can feel it
in my bones.

I think that's that.

Now let's do
a double check.

Okay, Ren ?

Okay.

Cinder-block
possum hat ?

Check.

Garlic-filled
underpants ?

Check.

Skunk shoes ?

Check.

Ample supply
of leeches ?

Check.

And you got your mouth
full of pig intestines ?

( gagging )
Check.

All righty then, you're 100%
certifiably bad-luck proof.

Just hold that
pose till the 18th,

and you'll be fine.

Stimpy, Stimpy ?

Stimpy, I gotta go !

Okay, Ren,
but be careful.

Gotta go, gotta go,
gotta go !

Ah...

safe and sound
at last.

( Ren groaning and gagging )

Ren, is that you ?

( screams )

( mumbling )

S-s-safe...

safe...

that tears it.

There's only one
thing left to do.

Hurry, Stimpy, I'm liable
to be killed at any second.

Here you go, Ren.

What is it ?

This is the luckiest charm
in the entire world.

It's been handed down in
my family for generations,

and I want you
to have it,

my lucky leper's foot.

Wow, are-- are you
sure I can have it ?

Ren, the best fortune I could
have is seeing you be happy.

Wow, thanks, pal.

Hey, I feel
luckier already.

From this day forward,
my luck's gonna change.

( door opening )

There he is !

That's the guy who
stole your foot !

Oh, stop, hey, no, oww,
ooh, stop, please...

golly, smited by a leper,
Ren is so lucky.

Hello, folks.

This week we're gonna visit
one of America's colonies,

deep in the wilds of
the lost continent of...

acromeglia.

Of course, all professional
travelogue hosts know that

you need the proper gear

for a hazardous
journey such as this.

And with that in mind,
we now go to the most

important outlet
for such gear,

the vacation wig store.

Not just any
wig will do.

Right you are, Ren.

It's so important to have
the right hair when traveling.

Now, fully prepared with
the proper headgear,

we return to the studio.

The final step for us
is to pack our bags

with only the most
useless of necessities.

Things that are hard to
come by in foreign countries,

such as various forms
of processed meats.

And you will
also need...

wieners !

You gotta get your
vitamin "w," you know.

And last, but not least,

the most valued item
to bring overseas,

even more valuable
than gold...

chewing gum !

And now, with our
belongings neatly packed,

it's time to load
them up on...

the wildebeest !

Oh, my back, my back.

Oh...

well, here we are
at the airport.

And there's our plane.

Ain't she a beaut ?

Our brains swell
with anticipation

as we board
our aircraft.

( woman on P.A. )
Welcome to Acromegli-air,
Flight 0-13.

Please fasten your seat belts
as we prepare for departure.

Remember, Stimpy,
as envoys of our country,

we must happily accept customs
which may seem hideous to us.

( gasping )

Look, Ren, the townspeople
have come out to greet us.

Hee, hee !

Looks like the locals
are greeting us with

a traditional display
of their fireworks.

( giggling )

( all shouting )

Greetings, o gentle
folk of acromeglia.

Hello, old el friend-Os.

Uh, la cucaracha tiene
grandes huevos, n'est-Ce pas ?

( foreign language )

Thank you, thank you.

We feel very
honored indeed.

In fact, I was--

( foreign language )

Oh, well, I--

we now partake of
the traditional

welcoming ceremonies.

First, the hot
head plunge.

( Ren )
It's truly a privilege to
indulge in the ancient

customs of this
fascinating land.

Uh, thanks.

And now the greatest honor
of all, bestowed only upon

the most revered of
foreign dignitaries:

the back-shaving ceremony.

The bath master shows us to
the ancient shaving bench.

♪ I likes to go swimming
with bowlegged women ♪

ooh...

kinda luxurious,
huh, Ren ?

Next, we move onto
the feast of 1,000 purges.

We're in luck, Stimpy.

They're honoring us with
their national dishes,

chicken-head bread
and monkey-brain soup.

Monkey-brain soup ?

( gulping )

I can't eat that.

It may seem repulsive,
but it's our duty

as guests in a foreign land to
taste of their cultural fare.

Ooh, it's icky
and stinky and--

now Stimpy participates
in the tasting ritual.

( vomiting )

Ah, just the reaction
the locals had hoped for.

Good work, Stimpy.

And now, it's my turn.

Ah, that strangely
sweet gray fruit.

It looks as though
I've somehow offended them.

I better think fast.

Mm-hmm !

I don't know what is worse,
the smell or the taste.

There's a hair
in my soup !

( vomiting )

Yet another proof
that politeness is

the universal language.

No trip to acromeglia
would be complete without--

taxi !

A tour of the local
points of interest.

First on the tour,

we visit one of the country's
major industries.

Acromeglia's prosperous
economy is led mainly

( Stimpy )
By the cultivation

and export of the country's
most abundant commodity,

new Americans.

Grown in the black fertile soils
of the country's bottom land,

new Americans
are harvested,

sorted...

smoked...

and aged.

The next leg of our journey
take's us to acromeglia's

12th wonder of the world,
disgraceland.

( cab driver )
This palatial estate

was built by our
nation's founder,

the great Jehoshaphat,
as a monument to bad taste.

And the grounds
are guarded

by the country's
most sacred animal,

the baboon.

Look, Ren,
there's one now.

( growling )

Oh... you're so lucky.

Not everyone gets
this privilege.

Oh, he must
truly be blessed.

( Ren )
Stimpy, quick.

Take a picture.

We're lucky to be here at
this time of year because...

it's revolution day.

Each year, the locals celebrate
their famous revolution

by holding
another revolution.

And now we are about to
witness the tearful exchange

of the king's crown.

Traditionally,
once a year,

the king of acromeglia
is dethroned.

Here we are honored to
witness an ancient ritual,

where every movement

has a meaning and every
participant has a movement.

And here comes the new
dictator, zazu kugat.

And, yes, he acknowledges
the deposed king.

And now the perfunctory
hand wave to the angry mob,

and that will make
it official.

Zazu is looking
good today.

Zazu at the top
of his form.

And that about
wraps it up.

We hope you enjoyed this
entertaining and educational

trip that we've
taken today.

Join us again next week,
won't you, when we visit

another interesting
and exotic faraway land.

Until then...

cheerio !