The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 4, Episode 12 - Galoot Wranglers/Ren Needs Help - full transcript
Wilbur Cobb tells a campfire story about Galoot Wranglers. Ren and Stimpy play the part of the galoot wranglers.Ren goes crazy and is sent to a home. Here we see the whole cast of the Ren & Stimpy show has gone nuts.
Yeah, well, gather around,
you punks.
( chuckles )
Don't be shy.
( coughs )
Old wild will hicobb
is gonna tell ya
another tale of
the early wild west
and how it was
really won.
Now long before
the automobile,
even before men's
support garments,
this here prairie was
teeming with wild galoots.
Now you two midgets are
too short to remember
them thrillin' bygone days.
But I remember 'em like it
was an hour and a half ago.
( laughing )
Those were
the good old days,
back before the government
put their noses
in everybody's businesses.
God, what I wouldn't give for
some mustard right about now.
( chuckling )
Now, now, now,
now where was I ?
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, the galoots.
Now long ago
there were no galoots.
( cackling )
And earlier settlers
had to make do
by riding woodchucks.
Hee-yaah !
But it was
gettin' 'em nowhere.
Then, a week later,
the invasion of
the Alsatian horde,
who brought with them
the very first galoots
to set hoof on our
briny shores.
At first, the harsh climate
made adaptation
almost impossible
and the galoot nearly
died out.
But the stupid
yet hearty beast
began to evolve new
means to survive.
Blah !
And soon
the resourceful galoot
carved himself out a niche
in the food chain.
Vast herds of wild galoots
spread over the entire
continent.
Now the first to
exploit the galoot
was the American Indian,
who prized them for
their fine pelts.
'Fore long,
the white trappers moved in
on the Indians' territory.
Why almost overnight
galoot pelts became
all the rage of
European fashion.
Why they made galoot
stoles out of them
and galoot hats
and fine galoot shoes.
Eventually their fine meats
were used in such
delicious products
as Vienna sausages
and potted meat.
Then, about
1653 aught 9,
midnight, October it was,
the history of the galoot
changed forever
with the arrival of the--
let's see,
where was I ?
What ?
Wasn't bad.
Let's see now,
where was I ?
Oh, yeah, with the arrival
of the galoot wranglers.
Look, Stimpy...
galoot droppings.
Ah, it's still stale.
They must be close.
Just look at them,
Stimpy.
There must be dozens
of 'em, my cracky.
Mulling and stewing in
their sacred dumping ground,
congregating around
the Tv hole.
Hey, galoots.
Huh ?
Huh ?
Huh ?
Come and get it.
After the roundup, the galoots
were stunned and hogtied.
Only then could
the galoot wrangler
determine the quality
of the breed
by inspecting his teeth.
Look, Ren,
nicotine stains
and popcorn husks.
Hmm, he's a good one,
all right.
Let's see how old he is.
Better take an
ear wax sample.
That's a nice one.
Any wrangler worth his weight
in dog leather
could tell a beast's age
by counting the rings
in an ear nugget.
One, two, five.
He's 36.
Perfect.
Well, let's brand him
and shoe him.
( sizzling )
Then the galoots were shod
with hot new wingtips.
( whistling )
Hmm ?
( sighs )
Then they were branded
with sailor tattoos
to prepare them for
the long journey to market.
Let's head 'em up
and move 'em out.
Hee-yah !
Yep, the wrangler's life
was a hard one,
with little wages and no pay.
About the only thing he had
to look forward to
on that long drive to market
was the infamous
wild west galoot rodeo.
First, and most popular event,
was "the 15-foot dash to the
refrigerator for pickled eggs."
( laughing )
( groaning and grunting )
Followed by the "retrieve
your car keys out of
a locked car" event.
Ugh !
Come on, velvet,
you can do it.
Come on, come on.
Let's go,
let's go, let's go !
Hurry, hurry,
hurry !
Open it !
Do it for me, you worthless
sack of stew meat !
And finally
the grand finale,
the mother of all events...
okay.
..."The wedgie pull and ride."
( screaming )
( cheering )
Oh, eh, oh, ah, stop...
when all the ropin' and ridin'
was done,
the galoots were
led to the show arena,
where they were judged on
purely aesthetic criteria,
such as number of
neck rolls...
depth and density
of back hair...
smoothness and shininess
of their calves,
and most important of all,
the droop in
their pants.
Sometimes an unscrupulous
wrangler would try to cheat...
uh-oh.
... By loading the pants
with rocks.
( chuckles )
You can't blame
a guy for trying.
But it all pans out
in the end.
Winner and loser
alike get the same reward:
weighed, showered up
and shrink-wrapped.
Five bucks !
Aieee !
Go ahead, Stimpy,
hand him over.
But, Ren,
not velvet.
Come on, man, we go through
this every year.
You think we raised
these pigs for our health ?
No.
Look, man, it's their
purpose in life.
That's what
they're here for.
Besides, if we weren't
supposed to eat 'em,
they wouldn't
taste so good.
But I love him, Ren.
( weeping )
Come on, man,
pull yourself together.
You want that new bicycle,
don't you ?
( crying )
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
( bawling )
A galoot calf !
I'll call her
spamela.
And so ends another tale
of the wild, wild west.
And if'n what I told ya
ain't the bare-naked truth,
then may I drop dead right
here on this spot.
( grunts )
( gasping )
You know, Ren, it's amazing
how primitive life was
in olden times.
Wow, imagine riding bareback
on a big, old, stinky galoot.
( chuckles )
Giddyup, Einstein.
( blowing raspberries )
( barking dog )
Oh, Danny, Danny,
Danny, Danny.
You are the keeper
of my dreams, my little one.
And you watch over
my friends.
Ahh-hee.
My collection of
glass coffee tables.
Danny, Raymond and Desi.
( screeching tires )
Oh, Ren, I'm back.
Where are you ?
You in there ?
You okay, Ren ?
Never been better.
Just checking.
Five !
Uh-oh.
Ren's favorite chair.
Hmm.
( boing )
Hike !
( shattering )
( chuckles )
Now don't
kill me, Ren.
It was a accident.
I'll fix it,
Ren, I promise !
( chattering )
Excuse me, I have to
go end it all.
( nonsensical gibberish )
Huh ?
♪ A glass coffee table
make room for Danny ♪
I don't like this, Ren,
something's wrong.
You need help.
Don't you
even bother !
You've had this comin'
for four years !
( whirring In-Stink-Er-Ator )
Oh, mother of
bottle caps !
Mother of
bent forks !
I'm coming home !
( screaming )
Oh, it's terrible !
I must call...
a professional !
Hello, shady brain farm ?
( jingling )
Ren needs help !
Wow.
( giggles )
A new home.
Finally,
my kind of people.
( laughing )
I can have fun here.
( woman on loudspeaker )
All patients please report to
group therapy with Dr. Sloth.
Uh, let's get started,
shall we ?
Uh, Mr. Fire chief,
last week you had a problem
with the food.
Yeah, it's fake,
made outta horse hoofs
and tire chains.
The president's
fake, too.
They put him
in a fake suit
and he makes speeches
on the moon.
And-- and-- and then--
uh, thank you,
Mr. Fire chief.
That was very, uh,
stimulating.
Uh, Mr. Mudskipper.
Did you resolve your
problem with...
problem ?
What problem ?!
Why don't you ask
about his problem ?
Oh, no, you don't.
He wants me
to say it.
Uh, say what, Mr. Yak ?
I was simply trying
to discuss
his problem
with the word...
no, don't do it !
Cheese.
Aah !
He did it !
( maniacal laughter )
There he goes.
( buzzing )
Hut, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut...
hut, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut...
uh, Mr. Hoek,
would you like to share ?
Well, I have this
roommate, see,
and, uh...
he sometimes
makes me mad and, uh...
pray, continue.
And-- oh, yeah,
I smack him.
( burps )
He smacks
his roommate.
( screeching chairs )
( chuckling )
That'll be
all, Mr. Hoek.
Uh, you may go
to bed now.
Bye-bye, now.
See you
next week.
Don't come back.
( all talking at once )
( Ren )
Dear moron,
I'm having a swell time
here at the insane asylum.
( laughter in the distance )
It would be nice if you could
come and visit me sometime.
Wish you
could read.
Ren.
I'll have a t-bone steak
and fries,
filet mignon,
and a pickle.
Ah-ha-ha.
That's very funny.
Creamed corn...
and more
creamed corn !
I can't eat this slop !
There's only
one thing I hate
more than creamed corn
and that's...
cheese ?
( grunting )
( maniacal laughter )
Look at you.
You're freaks !
You guys
aren't crazy.
You're just stupid.
I got it
all figured out.
You're all pawns
on the chessboard.
Gee !
And you,
you're not mad.
You're just suffering from
post-traumatic schizoholic
brain blister.
Wow !
And you, just a mere victim
of an undissolved childhood
hemorrhoidic
offense mechanism.
Say !
Gentlemen,
start your embolisms.
Whee !
Whee !
Whee !
( chuckling )
Yeah !
( laughing )
Uh--
hut, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut...
( maniacal laughter )
( slamming door )
Five seconds until your
national address,
Mr. President.
My fellow Americans,
the bombing
begins in five minutes.
you punks.
( chuckles )
Don't be shy.
( coughs )
Old wild will hicobb
is gonna tell ya
another tale of
the early wild west
and how it was
really won.
Now long before
the automobile,
even before men's
support garments,
this here prairie was
teeming with wild galoots.
Now you two midgets are
too short to remember
them thrillin' bygone days.
But I remember 'em like it
was an hour and a half ago.
( laughing )
Those were
the good old days,
back before the government
put their noses
in everybody's businesses.
God, what I wouldn't give for
some mustard right about now.
( chuckling )
Now, now, now,
now where was I ?
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, the galoots.
Now long ago
there were no galoots.
( cackling )
And earlier settlers
had to make do
by riding woodchucks.
Hee-yaah !
But it was
gettin' 'em nowhere.
Then, a week later,
the invasion of
the Alsatian horde,
who brought with them
the very first galoots
to set hoof on our
briny shores.
At first, the harsh climate
made adaptation
almost impossible
and the galoot nearly
died out.
But the stupid
yet hearty beast
began to evolve new
means to survive.
Blah !
And soon
the resourceful galoot
carved himself out a niche
in the food chain.
Vast herds of wild galoots
spread over the entire
continent.
Now the first to
exploit the galoot
was the American Indian,
who prized them for
their fine pelts.
'Fore long,
the white trappers moved in
on the Indians' territory.
Why almost overnight
galoot pelts became
all the rage of
European fashion.
Why they made galoot
stoles out of them
and galoot hats
and fine galoot shoes.
Eventually their fine meats
were used in such
delicious products
as Vienna sausages
and potted meat.
Then, about
1653 aught 9,
midnight, October it was,
the history of the galoot
changed forever
with the arrival of the--
let's see,
where was I ?
What ?
Wasn't bad.
Let's see now,
where was I ?
Oh, yeah, with the arrival
of the galoot wranglers.
Look, Stimpy...
galoot droppings.
Ah, it's still stale.
They must be close.
Just look at them,
Stimpy.
There must be dozens
of 'em, my cracky.
Mulling and stewing in
their sacred dumping ground,
congregating around
the Tv hole.
Hey, galoots.
Huh ?
Huh ?
Huh ?
Come and get it.
After the roundup, the galoots
were stunned and hogtied.
Only then could
the galoot wrangler
determine the quality
of the breed
by inspecting his teeth.
Look, Ren,
nicotine stains
and popcorn husks.
Hmm, he's a good one,
all right.
Let's see how old he is.
Better take an
ear wax sample.
That's a nice one.
Any wrangler worth his weight
in dog leather
could tell a beast's age
by counting the rings
in an ear nugget.
One, two, five.
He's 36.
Perfect.
Well, let's brand him
and shoe him.
( sizzling )
Then the galoots were shod
with hot new wingtips.
( whistling )
Hmm ?
( sighs )
Then they were branded
with sailor tattoos
to prepare them for
the long journey to market.
Let's head 'em up
and move 'em out.
Hee-yah !
Yep, the wrangler's life
was a hard one,
with little wages and no pay.
About the only thing he had
to look forward to
on that long drive to market
was the infamous
wild west galoot rodeo.
First, and most popular event,
was "the 15-foot dash to the
refrigerator for pickled eggs."
( laughing )
( groaning and grunting )
Followed by the "retrieve
your car keys out of
a locked car" event.
Ugh !
Come on, velvet,
you can do it.
Come on, come on.
Let's go,
let's go, let's go !
Hurry, hurry,
hurry !
Open it !
Do it for me, you worthless
sack of stew meat !
And finally
the grand finale,
the mother of all events...
okay.
..."The wedgie pull and ride."
( screaming )
( cheering )
Oh, eh, oh, ah, stop...
when all the ropin' and ridin'
was done,
the galoots were
led to the show arena,
where they were judged on
purely aesthetic criteria,
such as number of
neck rolls...
depth and density
of back hair...
smoothness and shininess
of their calves,
and most important of all,
the droop in
their pants.
Sometimes an unscrupulous
wrangler would try to cheat...
uh-oh.
... By loading the pants
with rocks.
( chuckles )
You can't blame
a guy for trying.
But it all pans out
in the end.
Winner and loser
alike get the same reward:
weighed, showered up
and shrink-wrapped.
Five bucks !
Aieee !
Go ahead, Stimpy,
hand him over.
But, Ren,
not velvet.
Come on, man, we go through
this every year.
You think we raised
these pigs for our health ?
No.
Look, man, it's their
purpose in life.
That's what
they're here for.
Besides, if we weren't
supposed to eat 'em,
they wouldn't
taste so good.
But I love him, Ren.
( weeping )
Come on, man,
pull yourself together.
You want that new bicycle,
don't you ?
( crying )
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
( bawling )
A galoot calf !
I'll call her
spamela.
And so ends another tale
of the wild, wild west.
And if'n what I told ya
ain't the bare-naked truth,
then may I drop dead right
here on this spot.
( grunts )
( gasping )
You know, Ren, it's amazing
how primitive life was
in olden times.
Wow, imagine riding bareback
on a big, old, stinky galoot.
( chuckles )
Giddyup, Einstein.
( blowing raspberries )
( barking dog )
Oh, Danny, Danny,
Danny, Danny.
You are the keeper
of my dreams, my little one.
And you watch over
my friends.
Ahh-hee.
My collection of
glass coffee tables.
Danny, Raymond and Desi.
( screeching tires )
Oh, Ren, I'm back.
Where are you ?
You in there ?
You okay, Ren ?
Never been better.
Just checking.
Five !
Uh-oh.
Ren's favorite chair.
Hmm.
( boing )
Hike !
( shattering )
( chuckles )
Now don't
kill me, Ren.
It was a accident.
I'll fix it,
Ren, I promise !
( chattering )
Excuse me, I have to
go end it all.
( nonsensical gibberish )
Huh ?
♪ A glass coffee table
make room for Danny ♪
I don't like this, Ren,
something's wrong.
You need help.
Don't you
even bother !
You've had this comin'
for four years !
( whirring In-Stink-Er-Ator )
Oh, mother of
bottle caps !
Mother of
bent forks !
I'm coming home !
( screaming )
Oh, it's terrible !
I must call...
a professional !
Hello, shady brain farm ?
( jingling )
Ren needs help !
Wow.
( giggles )
A new home.
Finally,
my kind of people.
( laughing )
I can have fun here.
( woman on loudspeaker )
All patients please report to
group therapy with Dr. Sloth.
Uh, let's get started,
shall we ?
Uh, Mr. Fire chief,
last week you had a problem
with the food.
Yeah, it's fake,
made outta horse hoofs
and tire chains.
The president's
fake, too.
They put him
in a fake suit
and he makes speeches
on the moon.
And-- and-- and then--
uh, thank you,
Mr. Fire chief.
That was very, uh,
stimulating.
Uh, Mr. Mudskipper.
Did you resolve your
problem with...
problem ?
What problem ?!
Why don't you ask
about his problem ?
Oh, no, you don't.
He wants me
to say it.
Uh, say what, Mr. Yak ?
I was simply trying
to discuss
his problem
with the word...
no, don't do it !
Cheese.
Aah !
He did it !
( maniacal laughter )
There he goes.
( buzzing )
Hut, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut...
hut, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut...
uh, Mr. Hoek,
would you like to share ?
Well, I have this
roommate, see,
and, uh...
he sometimes
makes me mad and, uh...
pray, continue.
And-- oh, yeah,
I smack him.
( burps )
He smacks
his roommate.
( screeching chairs )
( chuckling )
That'll be
all, Mr. Hoek.
Uh, you may go
to bed now.
Bye-bye, now.
See you
next week.
Don't come back.
( all talking at once )
( Ren )
Dear moron,
I'm having a swell time
here at the insane asylum.
( laughter in the distance )
It would be nice if you could
come and visit me sometime.
Wish you
could read.
Ren.
I'll have a t-bone steak
and fries,
filet mignon,
and a pickle.
Ah-ha-ha.
That's very funny.
Creamed corn...
and more
creamed corn !
I can't eat this slop !
There's only
one thing I hate
more than creamed corn
and that's...
cheese ?
( grunting )
( maniacal laughter )
Look at you.
You're freaks !
You guys
aren't crazy.
You're just stupid.
I got it
all figured out.
You're all pawns
on the chessboard.
Gee !
And you,
you're not mad.
You're just suffering from
post-traumatic schizoholic
brain blister.
Wow !
And you, just a mere victim
of an undissolved childhood
hemorrhoidic
offense mechanism.
Say !
Gentlemen,
start your embolisms.
Whee !
Whee !
Whee !
( chuckling )
Yeah !
( laughing )
Uh--
hut, hut, hut,
hut, hut, hut...
( maniacal laughter )
( slamming door )
Five seconds until your
national address,
Mr. President.
My fellow Americans,
the bombing
begins in five minutes.