The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 4, Episode 11 - Cheese Rush Days/Weiner Barons - full transcript
( narrator )
Many a tale has been told
of those hearty pioneers
who struck it rich out in
the wild western frontier,
a land wrought
with beauty...
( wolf whistle )
Danger...
( thud )
And cheese.
Yep, blue cheese.
Big, fat lumps of milky
processed cheese food
just a-bursting
with shiny blue nuggets
clogging up the arteries of
the blue cheese mountains.
Why only
the bravest of the brave
would risk the perilous journey
to plumb the riches of
this "father lode."
These daring souls
will stop at nothing
to reach the high country
and the riches
that await them.
( grunting )
( whistles )
Hey, Ren,
lookee over yonder.
Somebody--
why, it's a crusty,
old prospector
returning from his claim.
( laughing )
There's cheese
in them there hills !
( cackling )
Yeah, yeah.
So where's all
your cheese, buddy ?
Well, sonny,
just take a gander at
my 24-carat solid cheese
pinky ring.
Wow !
Shoot, that ain't
nothin'.
Feast your eyes, pilgrim.
( dings )
Wow.
( chuckling )
Oh, and look at
my blue cheese tooth.
Gloriovski.
Yep, and there's plenty more
where that come from, sonny.
( laughing )
Did you hear that
old codger ?
Just think, Stimpy,
we're gonna be filthy,
stinking, moldy rich.
Well, here we are,
a thousand miles from
civilization,
surrounded by vicious animals,
poisonous snakes
and bloodthirsty savages.
Looks like a great
campsite to me.
Great, I've got
just the thing.
Hey-- no.
There it is-- no.
Yeah !
What are you gonna
do with that ?
You see, Ren, pioneers
in the old west
depended on the buffalo
for all their survival needs,
such as clothing, fuel,
even housing.
Watch this.
( Stimpy )
Go to it, Gracie.
( rumbling )
Five... a-four...
a-Three...
two... one !
Ta-dah !
A buffalo
chip igloo.
Well, I'm impressed.
What's for dinner ?
I'm starved.
More good things from
nature's bounty:
cream chipped
buffalo chips on toast.
( sizzling )
And you expect me
to eat this ?
Well, sure, Ren.
They're an excellent
source of fiber.
They'll keep you regular.
I'm not eatin'
no cow--
not so loud, Ren.
We don't dare complain about
the food in these parts.
They might hear us.
Who'll hear us ?
Don't you realize ?
We're in
the land of...
savage French chefs.
( thumping )
Savage French chefs !
You really believe
those old wives' tales !
You gullible,
witless gasbag !
( laughing chefs )
Ay, we're surrounded !
Quick, Stimpy,
circle the wagons.
( chefs speaking French )
This is great.
I really needed
a bath.
I was gettin'
kinda stinky.
You bonehead.
This isn't
a bathtub.
They're gonna make
soup out of us !
Oh, soup, eh ?
( slurping )
Chunky cat
with vegetable.
Oh, boy.
Shut up,
I'm thinking.
I've got it !
All we gotta
do is...
( whispering )
( sniffing )
Hey, buddy, what kinda cheap
joint are you running here ?
There's a dead cat
in my soup !
( sizzling )
I'll get
the maitre d' at once.
Oui, monsieur.
Hey, fancy pants,
I'm afraid the soup's
a bit too rich for me.
How about the to-go
special instead ?
Ah, but of course,
monsieur.
Yeah, yeah,
I get it.
Here.
Our worries are over.
Oh, Ren,
you're so worldly.
( slurping )
Mmm, teriyaki.
Shut up.
( squawking vultures )
( buzzing mosquitoes )
( groaning )
( sniffing )
Hey, man...
watch it with those
trouser cuffs.
I'm downwind.
It's not me, Ren.
I'm too pooped
to poot.
Well, if it isn't you,
it must be...
( gasps )
Stimpy, get up !
We made it !
Joy !
At last, the blue cheese
mountains !
Oh, man, I got blisters
on my blisters.
Wha...
nope... no nuggets.
( sniffing )
Yipes !
That smell !
It might be
deadly cheese gas !
But there's only one way
to know for sure.
A canary.
For centuries,
miners have depended on
the canaries to detect
deadly gas.
( sniffing )
I don't
smell anything.
( booming explosion )
( gnawing and chomping )
Eureka !
The "father lode" !
Look, Ren,
we struck a vein.
( thumping heartbeat )
Hmm.
Ahh.
Look, Ren,
we're rich.
Halfsies, 50-50 split,
just like
we said, huh, huh ?
Well, not exactly.
Well, buddy, this
is where we part ways.
You know, survival
of the greediest.
It's the way
the west was won.
But don't feel
too bad, pal.
You've got all
the cheese you could eat.
( laughing )
But I...
look at all my lovely,
stinking, moldy nuggets.
I'm rich !
( maniacal cackle )
Eeh !
♪ Ya-Da-Da-Da-Da
ha-Ha-ha-ha ♪
♪ oh-De-do-Da-day ♪
( flickering lighter )
He took all our loot.
He trapped us
here to die.
But worst of all,
he took my
cool miner's hat.
( bawling )
Well tear my
old grandmother.
If you two ain't a pair
of dumb specimens.
My, my, my, what a
fine pair of prospectors,
a couple of elegant bedfellows
that kick at
the first sign of rain.
Shut up !
Shut up, I tell ya,
or I'll flatten your head
with this cigar !
Ah, don't listen
to him, he's nuts.
Nuts ?
Nuts, am I ?
Why, you're so dumb,
you can't even see the fortune
that's right underneath
your keisters.
( laughing )
Oh !
( dinging cash registers )
I got a bag of
the blue stuff for ya.
Ooh, splendid !
Let's just have a little
look-See, shall we ?
Huh ?
Just give me
what I got coming.
A lump sum will do.
Are you trying
to hornswoggle me ?
What ?
Why this here ain't nothing
but fool's cheese.
Get out of here, you bum.
( chirping )
Aah !
( singing in foreign language )
Stimpson, old friend,
it's time we found ourselves
some gainful employment.
What kinda jobs we
gonna get, huh, Ren ?
Well, shut up, stupid,
and we'll see.
Hmm, chicken
straightener wanted.
Cheese squeezer needed.
Dah !
Those are all
crappy jobs.
Okay, corn poner,
mackerel taster,
bologna skinner !
Crappy, crappy, crappy.
( groans )
Cookie tossers.
Crappy.
Wool winders.
Crappy.
Crappy fishermen.
Crap-py.
( thumping )
( grunting )
All right, Stimpy,
you find us a job !
Huh ?
Hey, Ren,
what about this one ?
Hmm.
"Strike it
rich in Canada !
Fortunes to be made in
the wiener industry !"
Wieners, huh ?
Wieners, yeah.
Come along, Stimpson,
we have a date with a wiener.
Duh, oh, joy.
I wish I had
a wiener right now.
All right, you nit,
all right.
( narrator )
And so our mighty heroes
head north.
And so our
mighty heroes head north !
Stupid, north, to the promised
land: Canada.
By rail...
( blowing train whistle )
( thumping )
By foot...
by rail again...
until finally...
( Ren )
At last, Canada !
Isn't it beautiful ?
♪ We're in
the wieners ♪
♪ we're in the wieners ♪
hold it right
there, eh.
We don't cut into
your kind around here, eh.
Head back where
you come from.
But we want wieners.
But we want wieners.
( rumbling )
Oh, is that
so, eh ?
Well, while you're
waiting for your wieners,
allow me to send
you packin'.
And don't
come back, eh !
Hmm, we have to find
a way across that moat.
It's 12,000 miles around,
358 yards wide,
and it's filled
with baked beans.
Now, what floats
on beans ?
Pork fat, Ren !
Pork fat floats
on beans.
That's it !
We'll hollow out
a pig !
Steady as she goes,
Mr. Stimpy.
36 more hours
of steady rowing
and we should almost be
halfway there.
Stimpy, we're taking
on beans !
Bail, man !
Bail for all
you're worth !
It's no use !
Abandon pig !
Help !
Stimpy !
I can't swim !
( Stimpy )
Ren, Ren !
I'll save you !
Poor Ren.
Out with the bad beans,
in with the good beans.
Out with
the bad beans,
in with the good beans.
Ahh.
Did, did we
make it ?
( sighs )
No, Ren, we're still
in the U.S. Of A.
Well then,
it's time for plan "b".
( Ren clears throat )
Hello, we are the U.N.
Wiener inspectors.
Wiener inspectors, eh ?
Uh, that's right.
Uh, I'm inspector,
uh, jimmy dean,
and this is my assistant,
uh, deputy farmer john.
Uh, yes, we are
here to make sure
that your waste
and byproducts
are being properly recycled
into the wiener refineries.
Yes, sirs !
( giggling )
We're in.
( gasping )
Look, Stimpy, the Canadian
wiener mountains,
thick with rich
veins of raw wiener ore,
vast wiener plains just
waiting to be harvested,
wild wiener tree orchards
ripe for the picking,
and majestic lake wiener
teaming with wiener trout.
Look at it all...
there for
the taking.
With my brains and your
stupidity,
we'll soon conquer this
wiener land and all in it
and I'll be king of
the wiener barons !
( laughing )
( sighs )
Golly.
( chirping birds )
( sniffs )
Mm-wah.
C'est magnifique.
Whew.
Whee !
Yippee !
Whee !
Whee !
Whee, I tell you !
Whee !
( whistling )
( clunking )
( rumbling )
( booming explosion )
Yah-hee !
We did it !
We did it !
We struck weenies !
( thudding )
( Ren sighs )
This is the life,
eh, Stimpy ?
You said it, buddy.
Quaa !
Hey, how about
some Tv, Ren ?
Eh, sure thing, pal.
And now it's time for
the Wall Street report.
Ah, my favorite show.
Uh, light me.
In the stock market today,
amalgamated split,
the Dow Jones ruptured,
crappy futures are on the rise,
and stocks plunged
as the bottom fell
out of the wiener market.
What ?!
What's that about
my wieners ?
That's right.
Due to the development
of a new synthetic sausage,
all wiener stock is now
null and void.
Stimpy, do you know
what this means ?
We're broke again.
Nothing but a couple
of worthless bums.
Worthless !
( sirens in the distance )
Stimpy, I've had a vision.
I was visited in the night
by an angel
who told me that
it's going to rain beans
for 40 days and 40 nights.
And he told me
to build an ark
out of wieners
and to get myself
"oot" of Canada !
( panting )
Many a tale has been told
of those hearty pioneers
who struck it rich out in
the wild western frontier,
a land wrought
with beauty...
( wolf whistle )
Danger...
( thud )
And cheese.
Yep, blue cheese.
Big, fat lumps of milky
processed cheese food
just a-bursting
with shiny blue nuggets
clogging up the arteries of
the blue cheese mountains.
Why only
the bravest of the brave
would risk the perilous journey
to plumb the riches of
this "father lode."
These daring souls
will stop at nothing
to reach the high country
and the riches
that await them.
( grunting )
( whistles )
Hey, Ren,
lookee over yonder.
Somebody--
why, it's a crusty,
old prospector
returning from his claim.
( laughing )
There's cheese
in them there hills !
( cackling )
Yeah, yeah.
So where's all
your cheese, buddy ?
Well, sonny,
just take a gander at
my 24-carat solid cheese
pinky ring.
Wow !
Shoot, that ain't
nothin'.
Feast your eyes, pilgrim.
( dings )
Wow.
( chuckling )
Oh, and look at
my blue cheese tooth.
Gloriovski.
Yep, and there's plenty more
where that come from, sonny.
( laughing )
Did you hear that
old codger ?
Just think, Stimpy,
we're gonna be filthy,
stinking, moldy rich.
Well, here we are,
a thousand miles from
civilization,
surrounded by vicious animals,
poisonous snakes
and bloodthirsty savages.
Looks like a great
campsite to me.
Great, I've got
just the thing.
Hey-- no.
There it is-- no.
Yeah !
What are you gonna
do with that ?
You see, Ren, pioneers
in the old west
depended on the buffalo
for all their survival needs,
such as clothing, fuel,
even housing.
Watch this.
( Stimpy )
Go to it, Gracie.
( rumbling )
Five... a-four...
a-Three...
two... one !
Ta-dah !
A buffalo
chip igloo.
Well, I'm impressed.
What's for dinner ?
I'm starved.
More good things from
nature's bounty:
cream chipped
buffalo chips on toast.
( sizzling )
And you expect me
to eat this ?
Well, sure, Ren.
They're an excellent
source of fiber.
They'll keep you regular.
I'm not eatin'
no cow--
not so loud, Ren.
We don't dare complain about
the food in these parts.
They might hear us.
Who'll hear us ?
Don't you realize ?
We're in
the land of...
savage French chefs.
( thumping )
Savage French chefs !
You really believe
those old wives' tales !
You gullible,
witless gasbag !
( laughing chefs )
Ay, we're surrounded !
Quick, Stimpy,
circle the wagons.
( chefs speaking French )
This is great.
I really needed
a bath.
I was gettin'
kinda stinky.
You bonehead.
This isn't
a bathtub.
They're gonna make
soup out of us !
Oh, soup, eh ?
( slurping )
Chunky cat
with vegetable.
Oh, boy.
Shut up,
I'm thinking.
I've got it !
All we gotta
do is...
( whispering )
( sniffing )
Hey, buddy, what kinda cheap
joint are you running here ?
There's a dead cat
in my soup !
( sizzling )
I'll get
the maitre d' at once.
Oui, monsieur.
Hey, fancy pants,
I'm afraid the soup's
a bit too rich for me.
How about the to-go
special instead ?
Ah, but of course,
monsieur.
Yeah, yeah,
I get it.
Here.
Our worries are over.
Oh, Ren,
you're so worldly.
( slurping )
Mmm, teriyaki.
Shut up.
( squawking vultures )
( buzzing mosquitoes )
( groaning )
( sniffing )
Hey, man...
watch it with those
trouser cuffs.
I'm downwind.
It's not me, Ren.
I'm too pooped
to poot.
Well, if it isn't you,
it must be...
( gasps )
Stimpy, get up !
We made it !
Joy !
At last, the blue cheese
mountains !
Oh, man, I got blisters
on my blisters.
Wha...
nope... no nuggets.
( sniffing )
Yipes !
That smell !
It might be
deadly cheese gas !
But there's only one way
to know for sure.
A canary.
For centuries,
miners have depended on
the canaries to detect
deadly gas.
( sniffing )
I don't
smell anything.
( booming explosion )
( gnawing and chomping )
Eureka !
The "father lode" !
Look, Ren,
we struck a vein.
( thumping heartbeat )
Hmm.
Ahh.
Look, Ren,
we're rich.
Halfsies, 50-50 split,
just like
we said, huh, huh ?
Well, not exactly.
Well, buddy, this
is where we part ways.
You know, survival
of the greediest.
It's the way
the west was won.
But don't feel
too bad, pal.
You've got all
the cheese you could eat.
( laughing )
But I...
look at all my lovely,
stinking, moldy nuggets.
I'm rich !
( maniacal cackle )
Eeh !
♪ Ya-Da-Da-Da-Da
ha-Ha-ha-ha ♪
♪ oh-De-do-Da-day ♪
( flickering lighter )
He took all our loot.
He trapped us
here to die.
But worst of all,
he took my
cool miner's hat.
( bawling )
Well tear my
old grandmother.
If you two ain't a pair
of dumb specimens.
My, my, my, what a
fine pair of prospectors,
a couple of elegant bedfellows
that kick at
the first sign of rain.
Shut up !
Shut up, I tell ya,
or I'll flatten your head
with this cigar !
Ah, don't listen
to him, he's nuts.
Nuts ?
Nuts, am I ?
Why, you're so dumb,
you can't even see the fortune
that's right underneath
your keisters.
( laughing )
Oh !
( dinging cash registers )
I got a bag of
the blue stuff for ya.
Ooh, splendid !
Let's just have a little
look-See, shall we ?
Huh ?
Just give me
what I got coming.
A lump sum will do.
Are you trying
to hornswoggle me ?
What ?
Why this here ain't nothing
but fool's cheese.
Get out of here, you bum.
( chirping )
Aah !
( singing in foreign language )
Stimpson, old friend,
it's time we found ourselves
some gainful employment.
What kinda jobs we
gonna get, huh, Ren ?
Well, shut up, stupid,
and we'll see.
Hmm, chicken
straightener wanted.
Cheese squeezer needed.
Dah !
Those are all
crappy jobs.
Okay, corn poner,
mackerel taster,
bologna skinner !
Crappy, crappy, crappy.
( groans )
Cookie tossers.
Crappy.
Wool winders.
Crappy.
Crappy fishermen.
Crap-py.
( thumping )
( grunting )
All right, Stimpy,
you find us a job !
Huh ?
Hey, Ren,
what about this one ?
Hmm.
"Strike it
rich in Canada !
Fortunes to be made in
the wiener industry !"
Wieners, huh ?
Wieners, yeah.
Come along, Stimpson,
we have a date with a wiener.
Duh, oh, joy.
I wish I had
a wiener right now.
All right, you nit,
all right.
( narrator )
And so our mighty heroes
head north.
And so our
mighty heroes head north !
Stupid, north, to the promised
land: Canada.
By rail...
( blowing train whistle )
( thumping )
By foot...
by rail again...
until finally...
( Ren )
At last, Canada !
Isn't it beautiful ?
♪ We're in
the wieners ♪
♪ we're in the wieners ♪
hold it right
there, eh.
We don't cut into
your kind around here, eh.
Head back where
you come from.
But we want wieners.
But we want wieners.
( rumbling )
Oh, is that
so, eh ?
Well, while you're
waiting for your wieners,
allow me to send
you packin'.
And don't
come back, eh !
Hmm, we have to find
a way across that moat.
It's 12,000 miles around,
358 yards wide,
and it's filled
with baked beans.
Now, what floats
on beans ?
Pork fat, Ren !
Pork fat floats
on beans.
That's it !
We'll hollow out
a pig !
Steady as she goes,
Mr. Stimpy.
36 more hours
of steady rowing
and we should almost be
halfway there.
Stimpy, we're taking
on beans !
Bail, man !
Bail for all
you're worth !
It's no use !
Abandon pig !
Help !
Stimpy !
I can't swim !
( Stimpy )
Ren, Ren !
I'll save you !
Poor Ren.
Out with the bad beans,
in with the good beans.
Out with
the bad beans,
in with the good beans.
Ahh.
Did, did we
make it ?
( sighs )
No, Ren, we're still
in the U.S. Of A.
Well then,
it's time for plan "b".
( Ren clears throat )
Hello, we are the U.N.
Wiener inspectors.
Wiener inspectors, eh ?
Uh, that's right.
Uh, I'm inspector,
uh, jimmy dean,
and this is my assistant,
uh, deputy farmer john.
Uh, yes, we are
here to make sure
that your waste
and byproducts
are being properly recycled
into the wiener refineries.
Yes, sirs !
( giggling )
We're in.
( gasping )
Look, Stimpy, the Canadian
wiener mountains,
thick with rich
veins of raw wiener ore,
vast wiener plains just
waiting to be harvested,
wild wiener tree orchards
ripe for the picking,
and majestic lake wiener
teaming with wiener trout.
Look at it all...
there for
the taking.
With my brains and your
stupidity,
we'll soon conquer this
wiener land and all in it
and I'll be king of
the wiener barons !
( laughing )
( sighs )
Golly.
( chirping birds )
( sniffs )
Mm-wah.
C'est magnifique.
Whew.
Whee !
Yippee !
Whee !
Whee !
Whee, I tell you !
Whee !
( whistling )
( clunking )
( rumbling )
( booming explosion )
Yah-hee !
We did it !
We did it !
We struck weenies !
( thudding )
( Ren sighs )
This is the life,
eh, Stimpy ?
You said it, buddy.
Quaa !
Hey, how about
some Tv, Ren ?
Eh, sure thing, pal.
And now it's time for
the Wall Street report.
Ah, my favorite show.
Uh, light me.
In the stock market today,
amalgamated split,
the Dow Jones ruptured,
crappy futures are on the rise,
and stocks plunged
as the bottom fell
out of the wiener market.
What ?!
What's that about
my wieners ?
That's right.
Due to the development
of a new synthetic sausage,
all wiener stock is now
null and void.
Stimpy, do you know
what this means ?
We're broke again.
Nothing but a couple
of worthless bums.
Worthless !
( sirens in the distance )
Stimpy, I've had a vision.
I was visited in the night
by an angel
who told me that
it's going to rain beans
for 40 days and 40 nights.
And he told me
to build an ark
out of wieners
and to get myself
"oot" of Canada !
( panting )