The Ren & Stimpy Show (1991–1996): Season 4, Episode 8 - Double Header/The Scotsman in Space - full transcript
( Ren )
Farther !
Farther !
Come on, man, don't you
have anything farther ?!
( mumbling )
Well, let's see.
First we got this here
small red dot...
( farts )
Farther !
You know, you bend over
backwards for...
that's as far as she goes.
Okay, we're all set.
Let's go !
Where are we going, Ren ?
Oh, no,
it's not we...
it's you.
But, but, Ren...
no buts,
this trip's on me.
Well, see you
around, pal.
( buzzing )
( chuckling )
But I don't wanna go
to Ursa minor.
What did I do wrong ?
Well, I just
don't like you.
But I love you !
Please, please,
take me back.
Please, pl...
let me put this
in layman's terms:
I don't ever want to
see you again !
( honking horn )
( screeching tires )
( booming crash )
Someone get
a plastic bag.
( screams )
( Ren )
Wha, what ?
( speaking in foreign language )
Well, the damage
was quite extensive
and we were in surgery
for 46 hours.
Even though there
wasn't much to work with,
we wound up with a few
extra parts.
But you won't need these.
But remember,
the important thing is
you are alive and you
have each other.
That's right, Ren,
we do have each other.
( chattering )
( Doctor )
At least you
have each other,
each other, each other...
( snoring )
( ringing alarm clock )
Oh, joy !
It's time for my
favorite show,
"stomper room."
Ready for some
stomping, Ren ?
I...
( reporter )
Meteor showers recorded late...
( man on television )
Hey, kids, it's four
in the morning
and you know what
time that is...
( kids )
It's stomping time !
Sleepy time.
Nothing like stomping
to start your Sunday.
Sunday !
I've gotta
get to work.
Hold it.
I can't go to
work like this.
Hmm.
Do you know
what time it is ?!
Stomping time ?
You're late
again, hoke.
That's Hoek ?
What was that ?
( coughing )
Hoek... Hoek.
You have very delicate
features for a man.
Don't patronize me,
hoke !
Now get to work !
( dinging )
Wow, this is
where you work ?
Yep, top-secret stuff.
So secret, I don't even
know what's going on.
You see, when this
light turns green,
I pull this lever.
Let me try.
Hey, hey, hey,
step back.
You're not authorized.
Besides, you gotta
have a degree in leverage.
I didn't go to 13 years of
night school for nothing.
( blowing whistle )
10-second break.
( ticking clock )
( blowing whistle )
Red light !
( booming explosion )
You... you...
you're...
fired !
You... you... freak.
There's only one place
for your kind.
So, what qualifications
do you have ?
Open your eyes, man.
We're connected,
you idiot !
Two heads,
two different species.
We're freak material !
That's nothing special.
Take a load
of this !
Now that's freaky.
( belching )
Hey, not bad.
Hmm.
You know, you guys look like
a couple of geeks to me !
Ah, we're geeks !
Oh, yeah ?
What does
it pay ?
Oh, we're union.
All the chicken heads
you can eat !
( oohing and aahing )
What are you
gawking at ?!
Don't you people
have lives ?!
( screaming )
I know
what you want.
I'll give you what
you wanna see.
Aiee !
There, are you
happy now ?
You wanna see it ?
Here !
( cheering )
You guys
are great !
Take a lunch break.
Chow down, Ren.
Remember, you're eating
for two now.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, you gonna
eat that Egg ?
Gee, Ren, isn't it
fun to be A... freak !
Freak, freak, freak,
freak, freak, freak...
I'm no freak !
You're the freak !
This was your idea.
I'm just your
average guy.
I don't deserve to be
in the company of
the likes of you.
Uh, Ren, you're
freaking out.
Freaking out ?
( maniacal cackle )
I'm freaking out ?!
( chuckling )
Pull yourself
together, boy.
Look at us.
Haven't we got
a tent over our heads,
a nice cold cage
to sleep in ?
You should be thankful.
( weeping )
I've tried
so hard to be kind.
There, there, Ren.
Have a chicken head.
Shh.
Thank you.
You've been
so kind.
Well, it can't get
any worse than this.
( booming crash )
Ah, what a freak accident.
Well, this time the damage
was much more extensive
and we had even
less to work with.
Wha... what about, Ren ?
Here, you idiot !
My face is
killing me.
But the important thing is
you are alive
and you have each other.
Have some lunch.
My favorite:
barbecued Boston
baked beans !
( farts )
( Ren )
Cadet Stimpy and I
are on a 36-year mission
to the corner galaxy
for a pack of gum.
And I grow tired.
I suspect cadet Stimpy has
been plotting against me.
His mind,
take my...
space madness.
( dinging )
Bonk, bonk,
bonk on the head.
( chuckling )
And the worst thing
of all is...
I'm beginning to see
things, eerie things.
Things that
look back.
There it
is again !
Right there !
Stimpy, did you
see that ?
See what, Ren ?
The thing outside,
the outside thing !
What'll we do ?
Come, come, captain, you're
working much too hard.
What you need is a
nice, hot coffee rubdown.
The poor, poor
deluded fool.
I see it now.
He's blinded by
the space madness.
I'd better play along.
You may be
right, Stimpy.
Heh, I guess I was just
imagining-- Heh !
( screaming )
There, you must have
seen it that time !
Oh, yes,
I did see it, Ren,
uh, a pretty green
elephant--
Yeah-- singing in Chinese.
Don't you
patronize me !
It's you in league
with him !
Get away from me !
Take one step closer
and I'll, I'll...
lick this fly !
No, Ren, no !
I'll put him
in my mouth.
I'll chew him.
No, Ren, not that !
Don't chew
the fly !
You can't
chew the fly !
Hey, butt out, buddy !
Come on, pal,
be a man,
take a bite out of me !
No, no chew,
no chew--
huh ?
What the... ?
( tapping )
An alien life form.
What do you recommend
we do, cadet Stimpy ?
Hmm.
Federation primetime
directive states:
we must make physical
contact with the being.
In the name of the federation
of alien planets everywhere--
that's F.O.A.P.E.--
I am authorized
to greet you.
Shake.
What the devil
did you say ?
I don't think he can
understand us, captain.
He don't speak English
none too good.
We'll need our
universal translators.
You better let me
handle this, captain.
Check.
( speaking gibberish )
( speaks foreign language )
Enough with
your jabber-lollin'.
I've come lookin'
for me sheep.
Oh, me long-lost sheep.
Oh, I want my sheep,
I want my sheep !
What'd he say ?
Cheese ?
Yeah, he wants
to eat... cheap.
He's probably hungry
after all that time
not being
able to breath.
There, there, buana.
Donde masticado,
senorita ?
( Stimpy )
Dinner will be just a second,
Mr. Scotsman, sir.
Our food replicator
will whip up a dish
from your home planet
in mere moments.
Ah.
Dehydrated haggis.
It's from
the Shamus Cohen recipe.
Haggis.
Good man.
Oh, smell that.
That reminds me of the smells
me mother used to make.
Blah !
How dare you serve me
haggis without chutney ?
( growling )
Grab 'em.
Quick, set phasers
on "wedgie" !
( farts )
Whew.
What'll we do now,
captain ?
Well, there's only one thing
we can do, cadet Stimpy.
We must treat our visitor
with the care and respect
a new life form deserve.
Dissection !
Dissection !
Hmm, that's his
butt all right.
All ready for brain tissue
sample, nurse Stimpy.
Hmm, this is more
complex than I thought.
Grapefruit spoon.
Grapefruit spoon.
Hey !
Sorry, captain.
Hmm.
( belches )
Brain test
complete, dear.
Good.
Now the tooth enamel
extraction procedure.
But, commander Hoek,
he's Scottish.
He doesn't
have any teeth.
See ?
They're wood.
( shattering glass )
Hmm, in that case,
there's only one test left:
the wallet test.
Flat saw.
Flat saw.
Careful...
careful now.
That's it.
Easy.
Gently, gently.
You've got it !
( growling )
Don't you dare put
your hand on me booty !
You don't know who you're
messing with !
( growling )
Me sheepies.
Come on, I'll take you
back to the meadow.
Sheep ?
Who you
calling sheep ?
You cannot fool me.
I know a sheep
when I see one.
Come on, man,
take a look at me.
My skin is pink !
I got no hair !
Enough of your
back talk.
You've got
grazin' to do.
Next stop, the meadow.
( computerized voice )
Houseware.
Sporting goods.
Meadow level.
Watch your step.
Now get down on all fours
and eat grass.
Ah, you must
feel good now.
And what fine coats
you've got, too.
There you go.
Now you're
looking sharp.
Now off you go.
Time for breakfast.
Ah, it will be good to get my
hands on some hot eggs again.
Hmm, this will be...
now you've
gone and done it !
You've overcooked
me eggs !
( gagging )
Where's my lawnmower ?
( laughing )
( making nonsensical noises )
Golly.
I guess your eggs
were too much for him.
Huh.
What is it,
captain ?
It's his wallet.
Wow, it's really
dusty.
It looks like it
hasn't been opened in years.
I'll just clean
it up a bit.
That's better.
Greetings, a-friends.
I am-a the dead
spicy Scott genie.
This is your lucky day.
( speaks Italian )
'Cause I'm-a gonna grant you
three magical wishes.
That's-a
pretty good, eh ?
( speaks Italian )
And special, today only,
buy it free, get one free.
I want beautiful women
to bring me
all the money in the world.
Good-a choice.
I... I can't believe it.
I'm happy for
the first time ever.
What more could I
possibly need ?
Please, Ren,
can I have a wish ?
No, don't be stupid.
Ren, please let me
have a wish.
Oh, gosh, I, I've got
all the money in the world...
and beautiful women.
I suppose...
oh, okay, you can
have your stupid wishes.
Joy !
Oh, great sir, first,
I wish that no one
would ever have need of
material possessions again.
Okely-dokely.
( speaking Italian )
And that there be
equality for everyone,
regardless of race
or creed.
And I want to be
where it's always sunny
and no one ever
grows old.
And lo, on the third day,
he did wear of a goat
and it was good.
Wear not the hat
of unleavened bread,
for it is disease-ed.
What are ya ?
Farther !
Farther !
Come on, man, don't you
have anything farther ?!
( mumbling )
Well, let's see.
First we got this here
small red dot...
( farts )
Farther !
You know, you bend over
backwards for...
that's as far as she goes.
Okay, we're all set.
Let's go !
Where are we going, Ren ?
Oh, no,
it's not we...
it's you.
But, but, Ren...
no buts,
this trip's on me.
Well, see you
around, pal.
( buzzing )
( chuckling )
But I don't wanna go
to Ursa minor.
What did I do wrong ?
Well, I just
don't like you.
But I love you !
Please, please,
take me back.
Please, pl...
let me put this
in layman's terms:
I don't ever want to
see you again !
( honking horn )
( screeching tires )
( booming crash )
Someone get
a plastic bag.
( screams )
( Ren )
Wha, what ?
( speaking in foreign language )
Well, the damage
was quite extensive
and we were in surgery
for 46 hours.
Even though there
wasn't much to work with,
we wound up with a few
extra parts.
But you won't need these.
But remember,
the important thing is
you are alive and you
have each other.
That's right, Ren,
we do have each other.
( chattering )
( Doctor )
At least you
have each other,
each other, each other...
( snoring )
( ringing alarm clock )
Oh, joy !
It's time for my
favorite show,
"stomper room."
Ready for some
stomping, Ren ?
I...
( reporter )
Meteor showers recorded late...
( man on television )
Hey, kids, it's four
in the morning
and you know what
time that is...
( kids )
It's stomping time !
Sleepy time.
Nothing like stomping
to start your Sunday.
Sunday !
I've gotta
get to work.
Hold it.
I can't go to
work like this.
Hmm.
Do you know
what time it is ?!
Stomping time ?
You're late
again, hoke.
That's Hoek ?
What was that ?
( coughing )
Hoek... Hoek.
You have very delicate
features for a man.
Don't patronize me,
hoke !
Now get to work !
( dinging )
Wow, this is
where you work ?
Yep, top-secret stuff.
So secret, I don't even
know what's going on.
You see, when this
light turns green,
I pull this lever.
Let me try.
Hey, hey, hey,
step back.
You're not authorized.
Besides, you gotta
have a degree in leverage.
I didn't go to 13 years of
night school for nothing.
( blowing whistle )
10-second break.
( ticking clock )
( blowing whistle )
Red light !
( booming explosion )
You... you...
you're...
fired !
You... you... freak.
There's only one place
for your kind.
So, what qualifications
do you have ?
Open your eyes, man.
We're connected,
you idiot !
Two heads,
two different species.
We're freak material !
That's nothing special.
Take a load
of this !
Now that's freaky.
( belching )
Hey, not bad.
Hmm.
You know, you guys look like
a couple of geeks to me !
Ah, we're geeks !
Oh, yeah ?
What does
it pay ?
Oh, we're union.
All the chicken heads
you can eat !
( oohing and aahing )
What are you
gawking at ?!
Don't you people
have lives ?!
( screaming )
I know
what you want.
I'll give you what
you wanna see.
Aiee !
There, are you
happy now ?
You wanna see it ?
Here !
( cheering )
You guys
are great !
Take a lunch break.
Chow down, Ren.
Remember, you're eating
for two now.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, you gonna
eat that Egg ?
Gee, Ren, isn't it
fun to be A... freak !
Freak, freak, freak,
freak, freak, freak...
I'm no freak !
You're the freak !
This was your idea.
I'm just your
average guy.
I don't deserve to be
in the company of
the likes of you.
Uh, Ren, you're
freaking out.
Freaking out ?
( maniacal cackle )
I'm freaking out ?!
( chuckling )
Pull yourself
together, boy.
Look at us.
Haven't we got
a tent over our heads,
a nice cold cage
to sleep in ?
You should be thankful.
( weeping )
I've tried
so hard to be kind.
There, there, Ren.
Have a chicken head.
Shh.
Thank you.
You've been
so kind.
Well, it can't get
any worse than this.
( booming crash )
Ah, what a freak accident.
Well, this time the damage
was much more extensive
and we had even
less to work with.
Wha... what about, Ren ?
Here, you idiot !
My face is
killing me.
But the important thing is
you are alive
and you have each other.
Have some lunch.
My favorite:
barbecued Boston
baked beans !
( farts )
( Ren )
Cadet Stimpy and I
are on a 36-year mission
to the corner galaxy
for a pack of gum.
And I grow tired.
I suspect cadet Stimpy has
been plotting against me.
His mind,
take my...
space madness.
( dinging )
Bonk, bonk,
bonk on the head.
( chuckling )
And the worst thing
of all is...
I'm beginning to see
things, eerie things.
Things that
look back.
There it
is again !
Right there !
Stimpy, did you
see that ?
See what, Ren ?
The thing outside,
the outside thing !
What'll we do ?
Come, come, captain, you're
working much too hard.
What you need is a
nice, hot coffee rubdown.
The poor, poor
deluded fool.
I see it now.
He's blinded by
the space madness.
I'd better play along.
You may be
right, Stimpy.
Heh, I guess I was just
imagining-- Heh !
( screaming )
There, you must have
seen it that time !
Oh, yes,
I did see it, Ren,
uh, a pretty green
elephant--
Yeah-- singing in Chinese.
Don't you
patronize me !
It's you in league
with him !
Get away from me !
Take one step closer
and I'll, I'll...
lick this fly !
No, Ren, no !
I'll put him
in my mouth.
I'll chew him.
No, Ren, not that !
Don't chew
the fly !
You can't
chew the fly !
Hey, butt out, buddy !
Come on, pal,
be a man,
take a bite out of me !
No, no chew,
no chew--
huh ?
What the... ?
( tapping )
An alien life form.
What do you recommend
we do, cadet Stimpy ?
Hmm.
Federation primetime
directive states:
we must make physical
contact with the being.
In the name of the federation
of alien planets everywhere--
that's F.O.A.P.E.--
I am authorized
to greet you.
Shake.
What the devil
did you say ?
I don't think he can
understand us, captain.
He don't speak English
none too good.
We'll need our
universal translators.
You better let me
handle this, captain.
Check.
( speaking gibberish )
( speaks foreign language )
Enough with
your jabber-lollin'.
I've come lookin'
for me sheep.
Oh, me long-lost sheep.
Oh, I want my sheep,
I want my sheep !
What'd he say ?
Cheese ?
Yeah, he wants
to eat... cheap.
He's probably hungry
after all that time
not being
able to breath.
There, there, buana.
Donde masticado,
senorita ?
( Stimpy )
Dinner will be just a second,
Mr. Scotsman, sir.
Our food replicator
will whip up a dish
from your home planet
in mere moments.
Ah.
Dehydrated haggis.
It's from
the Shamus Cohen recipe.
Haggis.
Good man.
Oh, smell that.
That reminds me of the smells
me mother used to make.
Blah !
How dare you serve me
haggis without chutney ?
( growling )
Grab 'em.
Quick, set phasers
on "wedgie" !
( farts )
Whew.
What'll we do now,
captain ?
Well, there's only one thing
we can do, cadet Stimpy.
We must treat our visitor
with the care and respect
a new life form deserve.
Dissection !
Dissection !
Hmm, that's his
butt all right.
All ready for brain tissue
sample, nurse Stimpy.
Hmm, this is more
complex than I thought.
Grapefruit spoon.
Grapefruit spoon.
Hey !
Sorry, captain.
Hmm.
( belches )
Brain test
complete, dear.
Good.
Now the tooth enamel
extraction procedure.
But, commander Hoek,
he's Scottish.
He doesn't
have any teeth.
See ?
They're wood.
( shattering glass )
Hmm, in that case,
there's only one test left:
the wallet test.
Flat saw.
Flat saw.
Careful...
careful now.
That's it.
Easy.
Gently, gently.
You've got it !
( growling )
Don't you dare put
your hand on me booty !
You don't know who you're
messing with !
( growling )
Me sheepies.
Come on, I'll take you
back to the meadow.
Sheep ?
Who you
calling sheep ?
You cannot fool me.
I know a sheep
when I see one.
Come on, man,
take a look at me.
My skin is pink !
I got no hair !
Enough of your
back talk.
You've got
grazin' to do.
Next stop, the meadow.
( computerized voice )
Houseware.
Sporting goods.
Meadow level.
Watch your step.
Now get down on all fours
and eat grass.
Ah, you must
feel good now.
And what fine coats
you've got, too.
There you go.
Now you're
looking sharp.
Now off you go.
Time for breakfast.
Ah, it will be good to get my
hands on some hot eggs again.
Hmm, this will be...
now you've
gone and done it !
You've overcooked
me eggs !
( gagging )
Where's my lawnmower ?
( laughing )
( making nonsensical noises )
Golly.
I guess your eggs
were too much for him.
Huh.
What is it,
captain ?
It's his wallet.
Wow, it's really
dusty.
It looks like it
hasn't been opened in years.
I'll just clean
it up a bit.
That's better.
Greetings, a-friends.
I am-a the dead
spicy Scott genie.
This is your lucky day.
( speaks Italian )
'Cause I'm-a gonna grant you
three magical wishes.
That's-a
pretty good, eh ?
( speaks Italian )
And special, today only,
buy it free, get one free.
I want beautiful women
to bring me
all the money in the world.
Good-a choice.
I... I can't believe it.
I'm happy for
the first time ever.
What more could I
possibly need ?
Please, Ren,
can I have a wish ?
No, don't be stupid.
Ren, please let me
have a wish.
Oh, gosh, I, I've got
all the money in the world...
and beautiful women.
I suppose...
oh, okay, you can
have your stupid wishes.
Joy !
Oh, great sir, first,
I wish that no one
would ever have need of
material possessions again.
Okely-dokely.
( speaking Italian )
And that there be
equality for everyone,
regardless of race
or creed.
And I want to be
where it's always sunny
and no one ever
grows old.
And lo, on the third day,
he did wear of a goat
and it was good.
Wear not the hat
of unleavened bread,
for it is disease-ed.
What are ya ?